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in  appreciation 


iJott)(?am  Qiumni  (Jbv>ettising  Cfub 


5otb(?am  College  Qiumni  (Tssociation 


Cfmeticanci  0ote( 
View  V)otA  Citf) 


(?pti(  30,  1968 


FINNEGANS  WAKE 


by  the  same  writer 

A  Portrait  of  the  Artist  as  a  Young  Man 
Collected  Poems 
Duhliners 
Ulysses 
Exiles 

The  Portable  James  Joyce 

EDITED  BY  HARRY  LEVIN 

Letters  of  James  Joyce 

EDITED  BY  STUART  GILBERT 


FINNEGANS 
WAKE 


James  Joyce 


New  ^rk:  The  Viking  Press 


COPYRIGHT  1939  BY  JAMES  JOYCE 

FIRST  PUBLISHED  IN  1939  BY 
THE  VIKING  PRESS,  INC, 

FOURTH  PRINTING  1945 
INCLUDING  AS  AN  APPENDIX  A  LIST  OF  CORRECTIONS  PREPARED 
BY  THE  AUTHOR  AFTER  PUBLICATION  OF  THE  FIRST  EDITION 

EIGHTH  PRINTING  1958 
WITH  THE  author's  CORRECTIONS  INCORPORATED  IN  THE  TEXT 

TWELFTH  PRINTING  OCTOBER  1966 


LITHOGRAPHED  IN  THE  UNITED  STATES  OF  AMERICA  BY  THE  MURRAY  PRINTING  CO, 

DISTRIBUTED  IN  CANADA  BY 
THE  MACMILLAN  COMPANY  OF  CANADA  LIMITED 


FINNEGANS  WAKE 


I 


5  i.^'^' 


7 


riverrun,  past  Eve  and  Adam's,  from  swerve  of  shore  to  bend 
of  bay,  brings  us  by  a  commodius  vicus  of  recirculation  back  to 
Howth  Castle  and  Environs. 

Sir  Tristram,  violer  d'amores,  fr'over  the  short  sea,  had  passen- 
core  rearrived  from  North  Armorica  on  this  side  the  scraggy 
isthmus  of  Europe  Minor  to  wielderfight  his  penisolate  war:  nor 
had  topsawyer's  rocks  by  the  stream  Oconee  exaggerated  themselse 
to  Laurens  County's  gorgios  while  they  went  doublin  their  mumper 
all  the  time:  nor  avoice  from  afire  bellowsed  mishe  mishe  to 
tauftauf  thuartpeatrick:  not  yet,  though  venissoon  after,  had  a 
kidscad  buttended  a  bland  old  isaac:  not  yet,  though  all's  fair  in 
vanessy,  were  sosie  sesthers  wroth  with  twone  nathandjoe.  Rot  a 
peck  of  pa's  malt  had  Jhem  or  Shen  brewed  by  arclight  and  rory 
end  to  the  regginbrow  was  to  be  seen  ringsome  on  the  aquaface. 

The  fall  (bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntqnner- 
ronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthur- 
nuk!)  of  a  once  wallstrait  oldparr  is  retaled  early  in  bed  and  later 
on  life  down  through  all  christian  minstrelsy.  The  great  fall  of  the 
offwall  entailed  at  such  short  notice  the  pftjschute  of  Finnegan, 
erse  solid  man,  that  the  humptyhillhead  of  humself  prumptly  sends 
an  unquiring  one  well  to  the  west  in  quest  of  his  tumptytumtoes: 
and  their  upturapikepointandplace  is  at  the  knock  out  in  the  park 
where  oranges  have  been  laid  to  rust  upon  the  green  since  dev- 
linsfirst  loved  livvy. 


What  clashes  here  of  wills  gen  wonts,  oystrygods  gaggin  fishy- 
gods!  Brekkek  Kekkek  Kekkek  Kekkek!  Koax  Koax  Koax!  Ualu 
Ualu  Ualu!  Quaouauh!  Where  the  Baddelaries  partisans  are  still 
out  to  mathmaster  Malachus  Micgranes  and  the  Verdons  cata- 
pelting  the  camibalistics  out  of  the  Whoyteboyce  of  Hoodie 
Head.  Assiegates  and  boomeringstroms.  Sod's  brood,  be  me  fear! 
Sanglorians,  save!  Arms  apeal  with  larms,  appalling.  Killykill- 
killy:  a  toll,  a  toll.  What  chance  cuddleys,  what  cashels  aired 
and  ventilated!  What  bidimetoloves  sinduced  by  what  tegotetab- 
solvers!  What  true  feeling  for  their's  hayair  with  what  strawng 
voice  of  false  jiccup!  O  here  here  how  both  sprowled  met  the 
duskt  the  father  of  fornicationists  but,  (O  my  shining  stars  and 
body!)  how  hath  fanespanned  most  high  heaven  the  skysign  of 
soft  advertisement!  But  was  iz?  Iseut?  Ere  were  sewers.^  The  oaks 
of  aid  now  they  lie  in  peat  yet  elms  leap  where  askes  lay.  Phall  if 
you  but  will,  rise  you  must:  and  none  so  soon  either  shall  the 
pharce  for  the  nunce  come  to  a  setdown  secular  phoenish. 

Bygmester  Finnegan,  of  the  Stuttering  Hand,  freemen's  mau- 
rer,  lived  in  the  broadest  way  immarginable  in  his  rushlit  toofar- 
back  for  messuages  before  joshuan  judges  had  given  us  numbers 
or  Helviticus  committed  deuteronomy  (one  yeastyday  he  sternely 
struxk  his  tete  in  a  tub  for  to  watsch  the  future  of  his  fates  but  ere 
he  swiftly  stook  it  out  again,  by  the  might  of  moses,  the  very  wat- 
er was  eviparated  and  all  the  guenneses  had  met  their  exodus  so 
that  ought  to  show  you  what  a  pentschanjeuchy  chap  he  was!) 
and  during  mighty  odd  years  this  man  of  hod,  cement  and  edi- 
fices in  Toper's  Thorp  piled  buildung  supra  buildung  pon  the 
banks  for  the  livers  by  the  Soangso.  He  addle  liddle  phifie  Annie 
ugged  the  little  craythur.  Wither  hayre  in  bonds  tuck  up  your  part 
inher.  Oftwhile  balbulous,  mithre  ahead,  with  goodly  trowel  in 
grasp  and  ivoroiled  overalls  which  he  habitacularly  fondseed,  like 
Haroun  Childeric  Eggeberth  he  would  caligulate  by  multiplicab- 
les  the  alltitude  and  malltitude  until  he  seesaw  by  neatlight  of  the 
liquor  wheretwin  'twas  born,  his  roundhead  staple  of  other  days 
to  rise  in  undress  maisonry  upstanded  (joygrantit!),  a  waalworth  7^*14 
of  a  skyerscape  of  most  eyeful  hoyth  entowerly,  erigenating  from 

4 


I 


next  to  nothing  and  celescalating  the  himals  and  all,  hierarchite(>      o  UJtlk^ 
titiptitoploftical,  with  a  burning  bush  abob  off  its  baubletop  and 
with  larrons  o'toolers  clittering  up  and  tombles  a'buckets  clotter- 
ing  down. 

Of  the  first  was  he  to  bare  arms  and  a  name:  Wassaily  Boos- 
laeugh  of  Riesengeborg.  His  crest  of  huroldry,  in  vert  with 
ancillars,  troublant,  argent,  a  hegoak,  poursuivant,  horrid,  horned. 
His  scutschum  fessed,  with  archers  strung,  helio,  of  the  second. 
Hootch  is  for  husbandman  handling  his  hoe.  Hohohoho,  Mister 
Finn,  you're  going  to  be  Mister  Finnagain!  Comeday  morm  and, 
O,  you're  vine!  Sendday's  eve  and,  ah,  you're  vinegar!  Hahahaha, 
Mister  Funn,  you're  going  to  be  fined  again! 

What  then  agentlike  brought  about  that  tragoady  thundersday 
this  municipal  sin  business.'^  Our  cubehonse  still  rocks  as  earwitness 
to  the  thunder  of  his  arafatas  but  we  hear  also  through  successive 
agesjthat  shebby  choruysh  of  unkalified  muzzlenimiissilebims  that 
would  blackguardise  the  whitestone  ever  hurtleturtled  out  of 
heaven.  Stay  us  wherefore  in  our  search  for  tighteousness,  O  Sus- 
tainer,  what  time  we  rise  and  when  we  take  up  to  toothmick  and 
before  we  lump  down  upown  our  leatherbed  and  in  the  night  and 
at  the  fading  of  the  stars !  For  a  nod  to  the  nabir  is  better  than  wink 
to  the  wabsanti.  Otherways  wesways  like  that  provost  scoffing 
bedoueen  the  jebel  and  the  jpysian  sea.  Cropherb  the  crunch- 
bracken  shall  decide.  Then  we'll  know  if  the  feast  is  a  flyday.  She 
has  a  gift  of  seek  on  site  and  she  allcasually  ansars  helpers,  the 
dreamydeary.  Heed !  Heed !  It  may  half  been  a  missfired  brick,  as 
some  say,  or  it  mought  have  been  due  to  a  collupsus  of  his  back 
promises,  as  others  looked  at  it.  (There  extand  by  now  one  thou- 
sand and  one  stories,  all  told,  of  the  same).  But  so  sore  did  abe 
ite  ivvy's  holired  abbles,  (what  with  the  wallhall's  horrors  of  rolls- 
rights,  carhacks,  stonengens,  kisstvanes,  tramtrees,  fargobawlers, 
autokinotons,  hippohobbilies,  streetfleets,  tournintaxes,  mega- 
phoggs,  circuses  and  wardsmoats  and  basilikerks  and  aeropagods 
and  the  hoyse  and  the  jollybrool  and  the  peeler  in  the  coat  and 
the  mecklenburk  bitch  bite  at  his  ear  and  the  merlinburrow  bur- 
rocks and  his  fore  old  porecourts,  the  bore  the  more,  and  his 

5 


blightblack  workingstacks  at  twelvepins  a  dozen  and  the  noobi- 
busses  sleighding  along  Safetyfirst  Street  and  the  derryjellybies 
snooping  around  Tell-No-Tailors'  Corner  and  the  fumes  and  the 
hopes  and  the  strupithump  of  his  ville's  indigenous  romekeepers, 
homesweepers,  domecreepers,  thurum  and  thurum  in  fancymud 
murumd  and  all  the  uproor  from  all  the  aufroofs,  a  roof  for  may 
and  a  reef  for  hugh  butt  under  his  bridge  suits  tony)  wan  warn- 
ing Phill  filt  tippling  full.  His  howd  feeled  heavy,  his  hoddit  did 
shake.  (There  was  a  wall  of  course  in  erection)  Dimb!  He  stot- 
tered  from  the  latter.  Damb!  he  was  dud.  Dumb!  Mastabatoom, 
mastabadtomm,  when  a  mon  merries  his  lute  is  all  long.  For 
whole  the  world  to  see. 

Shize.^  I  should  shee!  Macool,  Macool,  orra  whyi  deed  ye  diie.^ 
of  a  trying  thirstay  mournin.^  Sobs  they  sighdid  at  Fillagain's 
chrissormiss  wake,  all  the  hoolivans  of  the  nation,  prostrated  in 
their  consternation  and  their  duodisimally  profusive  plethora  of 
ululation.  There  was  plumbs  and  grumes  and  cherifFs  and  citherers 
and  raiders  and  cinemen  too.  And  the  all  gianed  in  with  the  shout- 
most  shoviality.  Agog  and  magog  and  the  round  of  them  agrog. 
To  the  continuation  of  that  celebration  until  Hanandhunigan's 
extermination!  Some  in  kinkin  corass,  more,  kankan  keening. 
Belling  him  up  and  filling  him  down.  He's  stiff  but  he's  steady  is 
Priam  Olim !  'Twas  he  was  the  dacent  gaylabouring  youth.  Sharpen 
his  pillowscone,  tap  up  his  bier!  E'erawhere  in  this  whorl  would  ye 
hear  sich  a  din  again.'*  With  their  deepbrow  fundigs  and  the  dusty 
fidelios.  They  laid  him  brawdawn  alanglast  bed.  With  a  bockalips 
of  finisky  fore  his  feet.  And  a  barrowload  of  guenesis  hoer  his  head. 
Tee  the  tootal  of  the  fluid  hang  the  twoddle  of  the  fuddled,  O ! 

Hurrah,  there  is  but  young  gleve  for  the  owl  globe  wheels  in 
view  which  is  tautaulogically  the  same  thing.  Well,  Him  a  being 
so  on  the  flounder  of  his  bulk  like  an  overgrown  babeling,  let  wee 
peep,  see,  at  Hom,  well,  see  peegee  ought  he  ought,  platterplate.  w 
Hum!  From  Shopalist  to  Bailywick  or  from  ashtun  to  baronoath 
or  from  Buythebanks  to  Roundthehead  or  from  the  foot  of  the 
bill  to  ireglint's  eye  he  calmly  extensolies.  And  all  the  way  (a 
horn!)  from  fjord  to  fjell  his  baywinds'  oboboes  shall  wail  him 

6 


rockbound  (hoahoahoah !)  in  swimswamswum  and  all  the  livvy- 
long  night,  the  delldale  dalppling  night,  the  night  of  bluerybells, 
her  flittaflute  in  tricky  trochees  (O  carina!  O  carina!)  wake  him. 
With  her  issavan  essavans  and  her  patter jackmar tins  about  all 
them  inns  and  ouses.  Tilling  a  teel  of  a  tum,  telling  a  toll  of  a  tea- 
ry  turty  Taubling.  Grace  before  Glutton.  For  what  we  are,  gifs 
a  gross  if  we  are,  about  to  believe.  So  pool  the  begg  and  pass  the 
kish  for  crawsake.  Omen.  So  sigh  us.  Grampupus  is  fallen  down 
but  grinny  sprids  the  boord.  Whase  on  the  joint  of  a  desh.^  Fin- 
foefom  the  Fush.  Whase  be  his  baken  head.^  A  loaf  of  Singpan- 
try's  Kennedy  bread.  And  whase  hitched  to  the  hop  in  his  tayle.^ 
A  glass  of  Danu  U'Dunnell's  foamous  olde  Dobbelin  ayle.  But, 
lo,  as  you  would  quaffoff  his  fraudstuff  and  sink  teeth  through 
that  pyth  of  a  flowerwhite  bodey  behold  of  him  as  behemoth  for 
he  is  noewhemoe.  Finiche !  Only  a  fadograph  of  a  yestern  scene. 
Almost  rubicund  Salmosalar,  ancient  fromout  the  ages  of  the  Ag- 
apemonides,  he  is  smolten  in  our  mist,  woebecanned  and  packt 
away.  So  that  meal's  dead  off  for  summan,  schlook,  schlice  and 
goodridhirring. 

Yet  may  we  not  see  still  the  brontoichthyan  form^outlined  a- 
slumbered,  even  in  our  own  nighttime  by  the  sedge  of  the  trout- 
ling  stream  that  Bronto  loved  and  Brunto  has  a  lean  on.  Hie  cuhat 
edilis.  Apud  libertinam  parvulam,  Whatif  she  be  in  flags  or  flitters, 
reekierags  or  sundyechosies,  with  a  mint  of  mines  or  beggar  a 
pinnyweight.  Arrah,  sure,  we  all  love  little  Anny  Ruiny,  or,  we 
mean  to  say,  lovelittle  Anna  Rayiny,  when  unda  her  brella,  mid 
piddle  med  puddle,  she  ninnygoes  nannygoes  nancing  by.  Yoh! 
Brontolone  slaaps,  yoh  snoores.  Upon  Benn  Heather,  in  Seeple 
Isout  too.  The  cranic  head  on  him,  caster  of  his  reasons,  peer  yu- 
thner  in  yondmist.  Whooth.'^  His  clay  feet,  swarded  in  verdigrass, 
stick  up  starck  where  he  last  fellonem,  by  the  mund  of  the  maga- 
zine wall,  where  our  maggy  seen  all,  with  her  sisterin  shawl. 
While  over  against  this  belles'  alliance  beyind  111  Sixty,  ollol- 
lowed  ill!  bagsides  of  the  fort,  bom,  tarabom,  tarabom,  lurk  the 
ombushes,  the  site  of  the  lyffing-in-wait  of  the  upjock  and  hock- 
ums.  Hence  when  the  clouds  roll  by,  jamey,  a  proudseye  view  is 

7 


enjoyable  of  our  mounding's  mass,  now  Wallinstone  national 
museum,  with,  in  some  greenish  distance,  the  charmful  water- 
loose  country  and  the  two  quitewhite  villagettes  who  hear  show 
of  themselves  so  gigglesomes  minxt  the  follyages,  the  prettilees! 
Penetrators  are  permitted  into  the  museomound  free.  Welsh  and 
the  Paddy  Patkinses,  one  shelenk!  Redismembers  invalids  of  old 
guard  find  poussepousse  pousseypram  to  sate  the  sort  of  their  butt. 
For  her  passkey  supply  to  the  janitrix,  the  mistress  Kathe.  Tip. 

This  the  way  to  the  museyroom.  Mind  your  hats  goan  in! 
Now  yiz  are  in  the  Willingdone  Museyroom.  This  is  a  Prooshi- 
ous  gunn.  This  is  a  ffrinch.  Tip.  This  is  the  flag  of  the  Prooshi- 
ous,  the  Cap  and  Soracer.  This  is  the  bullet  that  byng  the  flag  of 
the  Prooshious.  This  is  the  ffrinch  that  fire  on  the  Bull  that  bang 
the  flag  of  the  Prooshious.  Saloos  the  Crossgunn!  Up  with  your 
pike  and  fork!  Tip.  (Bullsfoot!  Fine!)  This  is  the  triplewon  hat  of 
Lipoleum.  Tip.  Lipoleumhat.  This  is  the  Willingdone  on  his 
same  white  harse,  the  Cokenhape.  This  is  the  big  Sraughter  Wil- 
lingdone, grand  and  magentic  in  his  goldtin  spurs  and  his  ironed 
dux  and  his  quarterbrass  woodyshoes  and  his  magnate's  gharters 
and  his  bangkok's  best  and  goliar's  goloshes  and  his  pullupon- 
easyan  wartrews.  This  is  his  big  wide  harse.  Tip.  This  is  the  three 
lipoleum  boyne  grouching  down  in  the  living  detch.  This  is  an 
inimyskilling  inglis,  this  is  a  scotcher  grey,  this  is  a  davy,  stoop- 
ing. This  is  the  bog  lipoleum  mordering  the  lipoleum  beg.  A 
Gallawghurs  argaumunt.  This  is  the  petty  lipoleum  boy  that 
was  nayther  bag  nor  bug.  Assaye,  assaye!  Touchole  Fitz  Tuo- 
mush.  Dirty  MacDyke.  And  Hairy  O'Hurry.  All  of  them 
arminus-varminus.  This  is  Delian  alps.  This  is  Mont  Tivel, 
this  is  Mont  Tipsey,  this  is  the  Grand  Mons  Injun.  This  is  the 
crimealine  of  the  alps  hooping  to  sheltershock  the  three  lipoleums. 
This  is  the  jinnies  with  their  legahorns  feinting  to  read  in  their 
handmade's  book  of  stralegy  while  making  their  war  undisides 
the  Willingdone.  The  jinnies  is  a  cooin  her  hand  and  the  jinnies  is 
a  ravin  her  hair  and  the  Willingdone  git  the  band  up.  This  is  big 
Willingdone  mormorial  tallowscoop  Wounderworker  obscides 
on  the  flanks  of  the  jinnies.  Sexcaliber  hrosspower.  Tip.  This 

8 


is  me  Belchum  sneaking  his  phillippy  out  of  his  most  Awful 
Grimmest  Sunshat  Cromwelly.  Looted.  This  is  the  jinnies'  hast- 
ings  dispatch  for  to  irrigate  the  Willingdone.  Dispatch  in  thin 
red  lines  cross  the  shortfront  of  me  Belchum.  Yaw,  yaw,  yaw! 
Leaper  Orthor.  Fear  siecken!  Fieldgaze  thy  tiny  frow.  Hugact- 
ing.  Nap.  That  was  the  tictacs  of  the  jinnies  for  to  fontannoy  the 
Willingdone.  Shee,  shee,  shee!  The  jinnies  is  jillous  agincourting 
all  the  lipoleums.  And  the  lipoleums  is  gonn  boycottoncrezy  onto 
the  one  Willingdone.  And  the  Willingdone  git  the  band  up.  This 
is  bode  Belchum,  bonnet  to  busby,  breaking  his  secred  word  with  a 
ball  up  his  ear  to  the  Willingdone.  This  is  the  Willingdone's  hur- 
old  dispitchback.  Dispitch  desployed  on  the  regions  rare  of  me 
Belchum.  Salamangra!  Ayi,  ayi,  ayi!  Cherry  jinnies.  Figtreeyou! 
Damn  fairy  ann,  Voutre.  Willingdone.  That  was  the  first  joke  of 
Willingdone,  tic  for  tac.  Hee,  hee,  hee!  This  is  me  Belchum  in 
his  twelvemile  cowchooks,  weet,  tweet  and  stampforth  foremost, 
footing  the  camp  for  the  jinnies.  Drink  a  sip,  drankasup,  for  he's 
as  sooner  buy  a  guinness  than  he'd  stale  store  stout.  This  is  Roo- 
shious  balls.  This  is  a  ttrinch.  This  is  mistletropes.  This  is  Canon 
Futter  with  the  popynose.  After  his  hundred  days'  indulgence. 
This  is  the  blessed.  Tarra's  widdars !  This  is  jinnies  in  the  bonny 
bawn  blooches.  This  is  lipoleums  in  the  rowdy  howses.  This  is  the 
Willingdone,  by  the  splinters  of  Cork,  order  fire.  Tonnerre! 
(Bullsear!  Play!)  This  is  camelry,  this  is  floodens,  this  is  the 
solphereens  in  action,  this  is  their  mobbily,  this  is  panickburns. 
Almeidagad!  Arthiz  too  loose!  This  is  Willingdone  cry.  Brum! 
Brum!  Cumbrum!  This  is  jinnies  cry.  Underwetter!  Goat 
strip  Finnlambs!  This  is  jinnies  rinning  away  to  their  ouster- 
lists  dowan  a  bunkersheels.  With  a  nip  nippy  nip  and  a  trip  trip- 
py  trip  so  airy.  For  their  heart's  right  there.  Tip.  This  is  me  Bel- 
chum's  tinkyou  tankyou  silvoor  plate  for  citchin  the  crapes  in 
the  cool  of  his  canister.  Poor  the  pay!  This  is  the  bissmark  of  the 
marathon  merry  of  the  jinnies  they  left  behind  them.  This  is  the 
Willingdone  branlish  his  same  marmorial  tallowscoop  Sophy- 
Key-Po  for  his  royal  divorsion  on  the  rinnaway  jinnies.  Gam- 
bariste  della  porca!  Dalaveras  fimmieras!  This  is  the  pettiest 

9 


of  the  lipoleums,  Toffeethief,  that  spy  on  the  Willingdone  from 
his  big  white  harse,  the  Capeinhope.  Stonewall  Willingdone 
is  an  old  maxy  montrumeny.  Lipoleums  is  nice  hung  bushel- 
lors.  This  is  hiena  hinnessy  laughing  alout  at  the  Willing- 
done. This  is  lipsyg  dooley  krieging  the  funk  from  the  hinnessy. 
This  is  the  hinndoo  Shimar  Shin  between  the  dooley  boy  and  the 
hinnessy.  Tip.  This  is  the  wixy  old  Willingdone  picket  up  the 
half  of  the  threefoiled  hat  of  lipoleums  fromoud  of  the  bluddle 
filth.  This  is  the  hinndoo  waxing  ranjymad  for  a  bombshoob. 
This  is  the  Willingdone  hanking  the  half  of  the  hat  of  lipoleums 
up  the  tail  on  the  buckside  of  his  big  white  harse.  Tip.  That  was 
the  last  joke  of  Willingdone.  Hit,  hit,  hit!  This  is  the  same  white 
harse  of  the  Willingdone,  Culpenhelp,  waggling  his  tailoscrupp 
with  the  half  of  a  hat  of  lipoleums  to  insoult  on  the  hinndoo  see- 
boy.  Hney,  hney,  hney!  (Bullsrag!  Foul!)  This  is  the  seeboy, 
madrashattaras,  upjump  anH  pumpim,  cry  to  the  Willingdone: 
Ap  Pukkaru!  Pukka  Yurap!  This  is  the  Willingdone,  bornstable 
ghentleman,  tinders  his  maxbotch  to  the  cursigan  Shimar  Shin. 
Basucker  youstead !  This  is  the  dooforhim  seeboy  blow  the  whole 
of  the  half  of  the  hat  of  lipoleums  off  of  the  top  of  the  tail  on  the 
back  of  his  big  wide  harse.  Tip  (Bullseye!  Game!)  How  Copen- 
hagen ended.  This  way  the  museyroom.  Mind  your  boots  goan 
out. 
Phew! 

What  a  warm  time  we  were  in  there  but  how  keling  is  here  the 
airabouts !  We  nowhere  she  lives  but  you  mussna  tell  annaone  for 
the  lamp  of  Jig-a-Lanthern!  It's  a  candlelittle  houthse  of  a  month 
and  one  windies.  Downadown,  High  Downadown.  And  num- 
mered  quaintlymine.  And  such  reasonable  weather  too!  The  wa- 
grant  wind's  awalt'zaround  the  piltdowns  and  on  every  blasted 
knollyrock  (if  you  can  spot  fifty  I  spy  four  more)  there's  that 
gnarlybird  ygathering,  a  runalitde,  doalittle,  preealittle,  pouralittle, 
wipealittle,  kicksalittle,  severalittle,eatalittle,  whinealittle,  kenalittle, 
helfalittle,pelfalittle  gnarlybird.  A  very  tableland  of  bleakbardfields ! 
Under  his  seven  wrothschields  lies  one,  Lumproar.  His  glav  toside 
him.  Skud  ontorsed.  Our  pigeons  pair  are  flewn  for  northcliffs. 


I 


The  three  of  crows  have  flapped  it  southenly,  kraaking  of  de 
baccle  to  the  kvarters  of  that  sky  whence  triboos  answer;  Wail, 
'tis  well!  She  niver  comes  out  when  Thon's  on  shower  or  when 
Thon's  flash  with  his  Nixy  girls  or  when  Thon's  blowing  toom- 
cracks  down  the  gaels  of  Thon.  No  nubo  no!  Neblas  on  you  liv! 
Her  would  be  too  moochy  afreet.  Of  Burymeleg  and  Bindme- 
rollingeyes  and  all  the  deed  in  the  woe.  Fe  fo  fom !  She  jist  does 
hopes  till  byes  will  be  byes.  Here,  and  it  goes  on  to  appear  now, 
she  comes,  a  peacefugle,  a  parody's  bird,  a  peri  potmother, 
a  pringlpik  in  the  ilandiskippy,  with  peewee  and  powwows  in 
beggybaggy  on  her  bickybacky  and  a  flick  flask  fleckflinging 
its  pixylighting  pacts'  huemeramybows,  picking  here,  pecking 
there,  pussypussy  plunderpussy.  But  it's  the  armitides  toonigh, 
militopucos,  and  toomourn  we  wish  for  a  muddy  kissmans  to  the 
minutia  workers  and  there's  to  be  a  gorgeups  truce  for  happinest 
childher  everwere.  Come  nebo  me  and  suso  sing  the  day  we 
sallybright.  She's  burrowed  the  coacher's  headlight  the  better  to 
pry  (who  goes  cute  goes  siocur  and  shoos  aroun)  and  all  spoiled 
goods  go  into  her  nabsack:  curtrages  and  rattlin  buttins,  nappy 
spattees  and  flasks  of  all  nations,  clavicures  and  scampulars,  maps, 
keys  and  woodpiles  of  haypennies  and  moonled  brooches  with 
bloodstaned  breeks  in  em,  boaston  nightgarters  and  masses  of 
shoesets  and  nickelly  nacks  and  foder  allmicheal  and  a  lugly  parson 
of  cates  and  howitzer  muchears  and  midgers  and  maggets,  ills  and 
ells  with  lofls  of  tofls  and  pleures  of  bells  and  the  last  sigh  that 
come  fro  the  hart  (bucklied!)  and  the  fairest  sin  the  sunsaw 
(that's  cearc!).  "With  Kiss.  Kiss  Criss.  Cross  Criss.  Kiss  Cross. 
Undo  lives  'end.  Slain. 

How  bootifuU  and  how  truetowife  of  her,  when  strengly  fore- 
bidden,  to  steal  our  historic  presents  from  the  past  postpropheti- 
cals  so  as  to  will  make  us  all  lordy  heirs  and  ladymaidesses  of  a 
pretty  nice  kettle  of  fruit.  She  is  livving  in  our  midst  of  debt  and 
laffing  through  all  plores  for  us  (her  birth  is  uncontrollable),  with 
a  naperon  for  her  mask  and  her  sabboes  kickin  arias  (so  sair!  so 
solly!)  if  yous  ask  me  and  1  saack  you.  Hou!  Hou!  Gricks  may 
rise  and  Troysirs  fall  (there  being  two  sights  for  ever  a  picture) 


for  in  the  byways  of  high  improvidence  that's  what  makes  life- 
work  leaving  and  the  world's  a  cell  for  citters  to  cit  in.  Let  young 
wimman  run  away  with  the  story  and  let  young  min  talk  smooth 
behind  the  butteler's  back.  She  knows  her  knight's  duty  while 
Luntum  sleeps.  Did  ye  save  any  tin.'^  says  he.  Did  I  what.'^  with 
a  grin  says  she.  And  we  all  like  a  marriedann  because  she  is  mer- 
cenary. Though  the  length  of  the  land  lies  under  liquidation 
(floote!)  and  there's  nare  a  hairbrow  nor  an  eyebush  on  this  glau- 
brous  phace  of  Herrschuft  Whatarwelter  she'll  loan  a  vesta  and 
hire  some  peat  and  sarch  the  shores  her  cockles  to  heat  and  she'll 
do  all  a  turfwoman  can  to  piff  the  business  on.  Paff.  To  puff  the 
blaziness  on.  Poffpoff.  And  even  if  Humpty  shell  fall  frumpty 
times  as  awkward  again  in  the  beardsboosoloom  of  all  our  grand 
remonstrancers  there'll  be  iggs  for  the  brekkers  come  to  mourn- 
him,  sunny  side  up  with  care.  So  true  is  it  that  therewhere's  a 
turnover  the  tay  is  wet  too  and  when  you  think  you  ketch  sight 
of  a  hind  make  sure  but  you're  cocked  by  a  hin. 

Then  as  she  is  on  her  behaviourite  job  of  quainance  bandy, 
fruting  for  firstlings  and  taking  her  tithe,  we  may  take  our  review 
of  the  two  mounds  to  see  nothing  of  the  himples  here  as  at  else- 
where, by  sixes  and  sevens,  like  so  many  heegills  and  coUines, 
sitton  aroont,  scentbreeched  and  somepotreek,  in  their  swisha- 
wish  satins  and  their  taffetaffe  tights,  playing  Wharton's  Folly, 
at  a  treepurty  on  the  planko  in  the  purk.  Stand  up,  mickos! 
Make  strake  for  minnas!  By  order,  Nicholas  Proud.  We  may  see 
and  hear  nothing  if  we  choose  of  the  shortlegged  bergins  off 
Corkhill  or  the  bergamoors  of  Arbourhill  or  the  bergagambols 
of  Summerhill  or  the  bergincellies  of  Miseryhill  or  the  country- 
bossed  bergones  of  Constitutionhill  though  every  crowd  has  its 
several  tones  and  every  trade  has  its  clever  mechanics  and  each 
harmonical  has  a  point  of  its  own,  Olaf's  on  the  rise  and  Ivor's 
on  the  lift  and  Sitric's  place's  between  them.  But  all  they  are  all 
there  scraping  along  to  sneeze  out  a  likelihood  that  will  solve 
and  salve  life's  robulous  rebus,  hopping  round  his  middle  like 
kippers  on  a  griddle,  O,  as  he  lays  dormont  from  the  macroborg 
of  Holdhard  to  the  microbirg  of  Pied  de  Poudre.  Behove  this 

12 


sound  of  Irish  sense.  Really?  Here  English  might  be  seen. 
Royally?  One  sovereign  punned  to  petery  pence.  Regally?  The 
silence  speaks  the  scene.  Fake! 

So  This  Is  Dyoublong? 

Hush!  Caution!  Echoland! 

How  charmingly  exquisite!  It  reminds  you  of  the  outwashed 
engravure  that  we  used  to  be  blurring  on  the  blotchwall  of  his 
innkempt  house.  Used  they?  (I  am  sure  that  tiring  chabelshovel- 
ler  with  the  mujikal  chocolat  box,  Miry  Mitchel,  is  listening)  I 
say,  the  remains  of  the  outworn  gravemure  where  used  to  be 
blurried  the  Ptollmens  of  the  Incabus.  Used  we?  (He  is  only  pre- 
tendant  to  be  stugging  at  the  jubalee  harp  from  a  second  existed 
lishener,  Fiery  Farrelly.)  It  is  well  known.  Lokk  for  himself  and 
see  the  old  butte  new.  Dbln.  W.  K.  O.  O.  Hear?  By  the  mauso- 
lime  wall.  Fimfim  fimfim.  With  a  grand  funferall.  Fumfum  fum- 
fum.  'Tis  optophone  which  ontophanes.  List!  Wheatstong^ 
magic  Iyer.  They  will  be  tuggling  foriver.  They  will  be  lichening 
for  allof.  They  will  be  pretumbling  forover.  The  harpsdischord 
shall  be  theirs  for  ollaves. 

Four  things  therefore,  saith  our  herodotary  Mammon  Lujius 
in  his  grand  old  historiorum,  wrote  near  Boriorum,  bluest  book 
in  baile's  annals,  f.t.  in  Dyfflinarsky  ne'er  sail  fail  til  heathersmoke 
and  cloudweed  Eire's  ile  sail  pall.  And  here  now  they  are,  the  fear 
of  um.  T.  Totities !  Unum.  (Adar.)  A  bulbenboss  surmounted  up- 
on an  alderman.  Ay,  ay!  Duum.  (Nizam.)  A  shoe  on  a  puir  old 
wobban.  Ah,  ho!  Triom.  (Tamuz.)  An  auburn  mayde,  o'brine 
a'bride,  to  be  desarted.  Adear,  adear!  Quodlihus,  (Marchessvan.)  A 
penn  no  weightier  nor  a  polepost.  And  so.  And  all.  (Succoth.) 

So,  how  idlers'  wind  turning  pages  on  pages,  as  innocens  with 
anaclete  play  popeye  antipop,  the  leaves  of  the  living  in  the  boke 
of  the  deeds,  annals  of  themselves  timing  the  cycles  of  events 
grand  and  national,  bring  fassilwise  to  pass  how. 

1 132  A.D.  Men  like  to  ants  or  emmets  wondern  upon  a  groot 
hwide  Whallfisk  which  lay  in  a  Runnel.  Blubby  wares  upat  Ub- 
lanium. 

566  A.D.  On  Baalfire's  night  of  this  year  after  deluge  a  crone  that 

13 


hadde  a  wickered  Kish  for  to  hale  dead  turves  from  the  bog  look- 
it  under  the  blay  of  her  Kish  as  she  ran  for  to  sothisfeige  her  cow- 
rieosity  and  be  me  sawl  but  she  found  hersell  sackvulle  of  swart 
goody  quickenshoon  and  small  illigant  brogues,  so  rich  in  sweat. 
Blurry  works  at  Hurdlesford. 

(Silent.) 

566  A.D.  At  this  time  it  out  that  a  brazenlockt  damsel  grieved 
{sobralasolas/)  because  that  Puppette  her  minion  was  ravisht  of  her 
by  the  ogre  Puropeus  Pious.  Bloody  wars  in  Ballyaughacleeagh- 
bally. 

1 132  A.D.  Two  sons  at  an  hour  were  born  until  a  goodman 
and  his  hag.  These  sons  called  themselves  Caddy  and  Primas. 
Primas  was  a  santryman  and  drilled  all  decent  people.  Caddy 
went  to  Winehouse  and  wrote  o  peace  a  farce.  Blotty  words  for 
Dublin. 

Somewhere,  parently,  in  the  ginnandgo  gap  between  antedilu- 
vious  and  annadominant  the  copyist  must  have  fled  with  his 
scroll.  The  billy  flood  rose  or  an  elk  charged  him  or  the  sultrup 
worldwright  from  the  excelsissimost  empyrean  (bolt,  in  sum) 
carthspake  or  the  Dannamen  gallous  banged  pan  the  bliddy  du- 
ran.  A  scribicide  then  and  there  is  led  off  under  old's  code  with 
some  fine  covered  by  six  marks  or  ninepins  in  metalmen  for  the 
sake  of  his  labour's  dross  while  it  will  be  only  now  and  again  in 
our  rear  of  o'er  era,  as  an  upshoot  of  military  and  civil  engage- 
ments, that  a  gynecure  was  let  on  to  the  scuffold  for  taking  that 
same  fine  sum  covertly  by  meddlement  with  the  drawers  of  his 
neighbour's  safe. 

Now  after  all  that  farfatch'd  and  peragrine  or  dingnant  or  clere 
lift  we  our  ears,  eyes  of  the  darkness,  from  the  tome  of  Liber  Li- 
vidus  and,  (toh!),  how  paisibly  eirenical,  all  dimmering  dunes 
and  gloamering  glades,  selfstretches  afore  us  our  fredeland's  plain! 
Lean  neath  stone  pine  the  pastor  lies  with  his  crook;  young  pric- 
ket by  pricket's  sister  nibbleth  on  returned  viridities;  amaid  her 
rocking  grasses  the  herb  trinity  shams  lowliness;  skyup  is  of  ever- 
grey.  Thus,  too,  for  donkey's  years.  Since  the  bouts  of  Hebear 
and  Hairyman  the  cornflowers  have  been  staying  at  Ballymun, 

M 


the  duskrose  has  choosed  out  Goatstown*s  hedges,  twolips  have 
pressed  togatherthem  by  sweet  Rush,  townland  of  twinedlights, 
the  whitethorn  and  the  redthorn  have  fairygeyed  the  mayvalleys 
of  Knockmaroon,  and,  though  for  rings  round  them,  during  a 
chiliad  of  perihelygangs,  the  Formoreans  have  brittled  the  too- 
ath  of  the  Danes  and  the  Oxman  has  been  pestered  by  the  Fire- 
bugs and  the  Joynts  have  thrown  up  jerrybuilding  to  the  Kevan- 
ses  and  Litde  on  the  Green  is  childsfather  to  the  City  (Year! 
Year!  And  laughtears!),  these  paxsealing  buttonholes  have  quad- 
rilled  across  the  centuries  and  whiff  now  whafft  to  us,  fresh  and 
made-of-all-smiles  as,  on  the  eve  of  Killallwho. 

The  babbelers  with  their  thangas  vain  have  been  (confusium 
hold  them!)  they  were  and  went;  thigging  thugs  were  and  hou- 
hnhymn  songtoms  were  and  comely  norgels  were  and  poUyfool 
fiansees.  Menn  have  thawed,  clerks  have  surssurhummed  ,  the 
blond  has  sought  of  the  brune:  Elsekiss  thou  may,  mean  Kerry 
piggy?;  and  the  duncledames  have  countered  with  the  hellish  fel- 
lows: Who  ails  tongue  coddeau,  aspace  of  dumbillsilly?  And  they 
fell  upong  one  another:  and  themselves  they  have  fallen.  And 
still  nowanights  and  by  nights  of  yore  do  all  bold  floras  of  the 
field  to  their  shyfaun  lovers  say  only:  Cull  me  ere  I  wilt  to  thee!: 
and,  but  a  little  later:  Pluck  me  whilst  I  blush!  Well  may  they 
wilt,  marry,  and  profusedly  blush,  be  troth!  For  that  saying  is  as 
old  as  the  howitts.  Lave  a  whale  a  while  in  a  whillbarrow  (isn't 
it  the  truath  Fm  tallin  ye?)  to  have  fins  and  flippers  that  shimmy 
and  shake.  Tim  Timmycan  timped  hir,  tampting  Tam.  Fleppety! 
Flippety!  Fleapow! 

Hop! 

In  the  name  of  Anem  this  carl  on  the  kopje  in  pelted  thongs  a 
parth  a  lone  who  the  joebiggar  be  he?  Forshapen  his  pigmaid 
hoagshead,  shroonk  his  plodsfoot.  He  hath  locktoes,  this  short- 
shins,  and,  Obeold  that's  pectoral,  his  mammamuscles  most 
mousterious.  It  is  slaking  nuncheon  out  of  some  thing's  brain 
pan.  Me  seemeth  a  dragon  man.  He  is  almonthst  on  the  kiep 
fief  by  here,  is  Comestipple  Sacksoun,  be  it  junipery  or  febrew- 
ery,  marracks  or  alebrill  or  the  ramping  riots  of  pouriose  and 

15 


froriose.  What  a  quhare  soort  of  a  mahan.  It  is  evident  the  mich- 
indaddy.  Lets  we  overstep  his  fire  defences  and  these  kraals  of 
slitsucked  marrogbones.  (Cave!)  He  can  prapsposterus  the  pil- 
lory way  to  Hirculos  pillar.  Come  on,  fool  porterfull,  hosiered 
women  blown  monk  sewer?  Scuse  us,  chorley  guy!  You  toller- 
day  donsk?  N.  You  tolkatiff  scowegian?  Nn.  You  spigotty  an- 
glease?  Nnn.  You  phonio  saxo?  Nnnn.  Clear  all  so!  'Tis  a  Jute. 
Let  us  swop  hats  and  excheck  a  few  strong  verbs  weak  oach  ea- 
ther  yapyazzard  abast  the  blooty  creeks. 

Jute.  —  Yutah! 

Mutt.  —  Mukk's  pleasurad. 

Jute.  —  Are  you  jeff? 

Mutt.  —  Somehards. 

Jute.  —  But  you  are  not  jefFmute.^ 

Mutt.  —  Noho.  Only  an  utterer. 

Jute.  —  Whoa.'^  Whoat  is  the  mutter  with  you.'^ 

Mutt.  —  I  became  a  stun  a  stummer. 

Jute.  —  What  a  hauhauhauhaudibble  thing,  to  be  cause!  How, 
Mutt.^ 

Mutt.  —  Aput  the  buttle,  surd. 
Jute.  —  Whose  poddle.'^  Wherein.'^ 

Mutt.  —  The  Inns  of  Dungtarf  where  Used  awe  to  be  he. 
Jute.  —  You  that  side  your  voise  are  almost  inedible  to  me. 

Become  a  bitskin  more  wiseable,  as  if  I  were 

you. 

Mutt.  —  Has?  Has  at?  Hasatency?  Urp,  Boohooru!  Booru 
Usurp!  I  trumple  from  rath  in  mine  mines  when  I 
rimimirim! 

Jute.  —  One  eyegonblack.  Bisons  is  bisons.  Let  me  fore  all 
your  hasitancy  cross  your  qualm  with  trink  gilt.  Here 
have  sylvan  coyne,  a  piece  of  oak.  Ghinees  hies  good 
for  you. 

Mutt.  —  Louee,  louee!  How  wooden  I  not  know  it,  the  intel- 
lible  greytcloak  of  Cedric  Silkyshag!  Cead  mealy 
faulty  rices  for  one  dabblin  bar.  Old  grilsy  growlsy! 
He  was  poached  on  in  that  eggtentical  spot.  Here 


1^ 


where  the  liveries,  Monomark.  There  where  the  mis- 

sers  moony,  Minnikin  passe. 
Jute.  —  Simply  because  as  Taciturn  pretells,  our  wrongstory- 

shortener,  he  dumptied  the  wholeborrow  of  rubba- 

ges  on  to  soil  here. 
Mutt.  —  Just  how  a  puddinstone  inat  the  brookcells  by  a 

riverpool. 

Jute.  —  Load  Allmarshy !  Wid  wad  for  a  norse  like? 

Mutt.  —  Somular  with  a  bull  on  a  clompturf.  Rooks  roarum 
rex  roome !  I  could  snore  to  him  of  the  spumy  horn, 
with  his  woolseley  side  in,  by  the  neck  I  am  sutton 
on,  did  Brian  d'  of  Linn. 

Jute.  —  Boildoyle  and  rawhoney  on  me  when  I  can  beuraly 
forsstand  a  weird  from  sturk  to  finnic  in  such  a  pat- 
what  as  your  rutterdamrotter.  Onheard  of  and  um- 
scene!  Gut  aftermeal!  See  you  doomed. 

Mutt.  —  Quite  agreem.  Bussave  a  sec.  Walk  a  dun  blink 
roundward  this  albutisle  and  you  skull  see  how  olde 
ye  plaine  oF  my  Liters,  hunfree  and  ours,  where  wone 
to  wail  whimbrel  to  peewee  o'er  the  saltings,  where 
wilby  citie  by  law  of  isthmon,  where  by  a  droit  of 
signory,  icefloe  was  from  his  Inn  the  Byggning  to 
whose  Finishthere  Punct.  Let  erehim  ruhmuhrmuhr. 
Mearmerge  two  races,  swete  and  brack.  Morthering 
rue.  Hither,  craching  eastuards,  they  are  in  surgence: 
hence,  cool  at  ebb,  they  requiesce.  Countlessness  of  -^^ 
livestories  have  netherfallen  by  this  plage,  flick  as 
flowflakes,  litters  from  aloft,  like  a  waast  wizzard  all  of 
whirlworlds.  Now  are  all  tombed  to  the  mound,  isges 
to  isges,  erde  from  erde.  Pride,  O  pride,  thy  prize! 

Jute.  —  'Stench! 

Mutt.  —  Fiatfuit!  Hereinunder  lyethey.  Llarge  by  the  smal  an' 
everynight  life  olso  th'estrange,  babylone  the  great- 
grandhotelled  with  tit  tit  tittlehouse,  alp  on  earwig, 
drukn  on  ild,  likeas  equal  to  anequal  in  this  sound 
seemetery  which  iz  leebez  luv. 


Jute.  —  'Zmorde! 

Mutt.  —  Meldundleize!  By  the  fearse  wave  behoughted.  Des- 
pond's  sung.  And  thanacestross  mound  have  swollup 
them  all.  This  ourth  of  years  is  not  save  brickdust 
and  being  humus  the  same  roturns.  He  who  runes 
may  rede  it  on  all  fours.  O'c'stle,  nVc*stle,  tr'c'stle, 
crumbling!  Sell  me  sooth  the  fare  for  Humblin!  Hum- 
blady  Fair.  But  speak  it  allsosifdy,  moulder!  Be  in 
your  whisht! 

Jute.  —  Whysht.^^ 

Mutt.  —  The  gyant  Forficules  with  Amni  the  fay. 
Jute.  —  Howe.'^ 

Mutt.  —  Here  is  viceking's  graab. 
Jute.  —  Hwaad  ! 

Mutt.  —  Ore  you  astoneaged,  jute  you.'* 

Jute.  —  Oye  am  thonthorstrok,  thing  mud. 

(Stoop)  if  you  are  abcedminded,  to  this  daybook,  what  curios 
of  signs  (please  stoop),  in  this  allaphbed!  Can  you  rede  (since 
We  and  Thou  had  it  out  already)  its  world.'^  It  is  the  same  told 
of  all.  Many.  Miscegenations  on  miscegenations.  Tieckle.  They 
lived  und  laughed  ant  loved  end  left.  Forsin.  Thy  thingdome  is 
given  to  the  Meades  and  Porsons.  The  meandertale,  aloss  and 
again,  of  our  old  Heidenburgh  in  the  days  when  Head-in- Clouds 
walked  the  earth.  In  the  ignorance  that  iniplies  impression  that 
Jmits  knowledge  that  find^s  the  nameform  that  whets'^tliV^^ts  that 
co'hvfy  contacts  that  sweet^  sensation  that  drivei^  desire  that 
adheres  to  attachment  that  dogs  death  that  bitches  birth  that  en- 
tails the  ensuance  of  existentiality.  But  with  a  rush  out  of  his 
navel  reaching  the  reredos  of  Ramasbatham.  A  terricolous  vively- 
onview  this;  queer  and  it  continues  to  be  quaky.  AJ^tch,  ^^It, 
an(e^share  the  pourquose  of  which  was  tcfc^say  th^ji^rthcrust  at 
all  o^hours,  furrowards,  bagawards,  like  yoxen  at  the  turnpaht. 
Here  say  figurines  billycoose  arming  and  mounting.  Mounting  and 
arming  bellicose  figurines  see  here.  Futhorc,  this  liffle  efEngee  is  for 
a  firefing  called  a  flintforfall.  Face  at  the  eased!  O I  fay!  Face  at  the 
waist!  Ho,  you  fie!  Upwap  and  dump  em,  "^lace  to  U^ace!  When  a 

i8 


HP 


V0 


V 


part  so  ptee  does  duty  for  the  holos  we  soon  grow  to  use  of  an 
allforabit.  Here  (please  to  stoop)  are  selveran  cued  peteet  peas  of 
quite  a  pecuniar  interest  inaslittle  as  they  are  the  pellets  that  make 
the  tomtummy's  pay  roll.  Right  rank  ragnar  rocks  and  with  these 
rox  orangotangos  rangled  rough  and  rightgorong.  Wisha,  wisha, 
whydidtha?  Thik  is  for  thorn  that's  thuck  in  its  thoil  like  thum- 
fool's  thraitor  thrust  for  vengeance.  What  a  mnice  old  mness  it 
all  mnakes!  A  rniddenhide  hoard  of  objects!  Olives,  beets,  kim- 
mells,  dollies,  alfrids,  beatties,  cormacks  and  daltons.  Owlets'  eegs 
(O  stoop  to  please!)  are  here,  creakish  from  age  and  all  now 
quite  epsilene,  and  oldwolldy  wobblewers,  haudworth  a  wipe  o 
grass.  Sss!  See  the  snake  wurrums  everyside!  Our  durlbin  is 
sworming  in  sneaks.  They  came  to  our  island  from  triangular 
Toucheaterre  beyond  the  wet  prairie  rared  up  in  the  midst  of  the 
cargon  of  prohibitive  pomefructs  but  along  landed  Paddy  Wip- 
pingham  and  the  his  garbagecans  cotched  the  creeps  of  them 
pricker  than  our  whosethere  outofman  could  quick  up  her  whats- 
thats.  Somedivide  and  sumthelot  but  the  tally  turns  round  the 
same  balifuson.  Racketeers  and  bottloggers. 

Axe  on  thwacks  on  thracks,  axenwise.  One  by  one  place  one  \ 
be  three  dittoh  and  one  before.  Two  nursus  one  make  a  plaus- 
ible free  and  idim  behind.  Starting  off  with  a  big  boaboa  and  three- 
legged  calvers  and  ivargraine  jadesses  with  a  message  in  their 
mouths.  And  a  hundreadfilled  unleaven weight  of  liberorumqueue       ^  ^r^^ 
to  con  an  we  can  till  allhorrors  eve.  What  a  meanderthalltale  to  "^J^^, 
unfurl  and  with  what  an  end  in  view  of  squattor  and  anntisquattor 
and  postproneauntisquattor!  To  say  too  us  to  be  every  tim,  nick  orf^^^ 
and  larry  of  us,  sons  of  the  sod,  sons,  littlesons,  yea  and  lealittle- 
sons,  when  usses  not  to  be,  every  sue,  siss  and  sally  of  us,  dugters 
of  Nan!  Accusative  ahnsire!  Damadam  to  infinities! 

True  there  was  in  nillohs  dieybos  as  yet  no  lumpend  papeer 
in  the  waste  and  mightmountain  Penn  still  groaned  for  the  micies 
to  let  flee.  All  was  of  ancientry.  You  gave  me  a  boot  (signs  on 
it!)  and  I  ate  the  wind.  I  quizzed  you  a  quid  (with  for  what'^)  and 
you  went  to  the  quod.  But  the  world,  mind,  is,  was  and  will  be 
writiiig  its  own  wrunes  for  ever,  man,  on  all  matters  that  fall 


under  the  ban  of  our  infrarational  senses  fore  the  last  milch- 
camel,  the  heartvein  throbbing  between  his  eyebrowns,  has  still  to 
moor  before  the  tomb  of  his  cousin  charmian  where  his  date  is 
tethered  by  the  palm  that's  hers.  But  the  horn,  the  drinking,  the 
day  of  dread  are  not  now.  A  bone,  a  pebble,  a  ramskin;  chip  them, 
chap  them,  cut  them  up  allways;  leave  them  to  terracook  in  the 
muttheringpot;  and  Gutenmorg  with  his  crpmagnom  charter, 
tintingfast  and  great  primer  must  once  for  omniboss  step  ru- 
brickredd  out  of  the  wordpress  else  is  there  no  virtue  more  in  al- 
cohoran.  For  that  (the  rapt  one  warns)  is  what  papyr  is  meed 
of,  made  of,  hides  and  hints  and  misses  in  prints.  Till  ye  finally 
(though  not  yet  endlike)  meet  with  the  acquaintance  of  Mister 
Typus,  Mistress  Tope  and  all  the  little  typtopies.  Fillstup.  So  you 
need  hardly  spell  me  how  every  word  will  be  bound  over  to  carry 
three  score  and  ten  toptypsical  readings  throughout  the  book  of 
Doublends  Jined  (may  his  forehead  be  darkened  with  mud  who 
would  sunder!)  till  Daleth,  mahomahouma,  who  oped  it  closeth 
thereof  the.  Dor. 

Cry  not  yet!  There's  many  a  smile  to  Nondum,  with  sytty 
maids  per  man,  sir,  and  the  park's  so  dark  by  kindlelight.  But 
look  what  you  have  in  your  handself!  The  movibles  are  scrawl- 
ing in  motions,  marching,  all  of  them  ago,  in  pitpat  and  zingzang 
for  every  busy  eerie  whig's  a  bit  of  a  torytale  to  tell.  One's  upon 
a  thyme  and  two's  behind  their  lettice  leap  and  three's  among  the 
strubbely  beds.  And  the  chicks  picked  their  teeths  and  the  domb- 
key  he  begay  began.  You  can  ask  your  ass  if  he  believes  it.  And 
so  cuddy  me  only  wallops  have  heels.  That  one  of  a  wife  with 
folty  barnets.  For  then  was  the  age  when  hoops  ran  high.  Of  a 
noarch  and  a  chopwife;  of  a  pomme  full  grave  and  a  fammy  of 
levity;  or  of  golden  youths  that  wanted  gelding;  or  of  what  the 
mischievmiss  made  a  man  do.  Malmarriedad  he  was  reverso- 
gassed  by  the  frisque  of  her  frasques  and  her  prytty  pyrrhique. 
Maye  faye,  she's  la  gaye  this  snaky  woman !  From  that  trippiery 
toe  expectungpelick !  Veil,  volantine,  valentine  eyes.  She's  the 
very  besch  Winnie  blows'  Nay  on  good.  Flou  inn,  flow  ann. 
Hohore!  So  it's  sure  it  was  her  not  we!  But  lay  it  easy,  gentle 


mien,  we  are  in  rearing  of  a  norewhig.  So  weenybeeny- 

veeny teeny.  Comsy  see!  Het  wis  if  ee  newt.  Lissom!  lissom! 

I  am  doing  it.  Hark,  the  corne  entreats!  And  the  larpnotes  . 

prittle.  ^4?  m'^-" 

It  was  of  a  night,  late,  lang  time  agone,  in  an  auldstane  eld, 
when  Adam  was  delvin  and  his  madameen  spinning  watersilts, 
when  mulk  mountynotty  man  was  everybully  and  the  first  leal 
ribberrobber  that  ever  had  her  ainway  everybuddy  to  his  love- 
saking  eyes  and  everybilly  lived  alove  with  everybiddy  else,  and 
Jarl  van  Hoother  had  his  burnt  head  high  up  in  his  lamphouse, 
laying  cold  hands  on  himself.  And  his  two  little  jiminies,  cousins 
of  ourn,  Tristopher  and  Hilary,  were  kickaheeling  their  dummy 
on  the  oil  cloth  flure  of  his  homerigh,  castle  and  earthenhouse. 
And,  be  dermot,  who  come  to  the  keep  of  his  inn  only  the  niece- 
of-his-in-law,  the  prankquean.  And  the  prankquean  pulled  a  rosy 
one  and  made  her  wit  foreninst  the  dour.  And  she  lit  up  and  fire- 
land  was  ablaze.  And  spoke  she  to  the  dour  in  her  petty  perusi- 
enne:  Mark  the  Wans,  why  do  I  am  alook  alike  a  poss  of  porter- 
pease.'^  And  that  was  how  the  skirtmisshes  began.  But  the  dour 
handworded  her  grace  in  dootch  nossow:  Shut!  So  her  grace 
o' malice  kidsnapped  up  the  jiminy  Tristopher  and  into  the  shan- 
dy westerness  she  rain,  rain,  rain.  And  Jarl  van  Hoother  war- 
lessed  after  her  with  soft  dovesgall:  Stop  deef  stop  come  back  to 
my  earin  stop.  But  she  swaradid  to  him:  Unlikelihud.  And  there 
was  a  brannewail  that  same  sabboath  night  of  falling  angles  some- 
where in  Erio.  And  the  prankquean  went  for  her  forty  years' 
walk  in  Tourlemonde  and  she  washed  the  blessings  of  the  love- 
spots  off  the  jiminy  with  soap  sulliver  suddles  and  she  had  her 
four  owlers  masters  for  to  tauch  him  his  tickles  and  she  convor- 
ted  him  to  the  onesure  allgood  and  he  became  a  luderman.  So  then 
she  started  to  rain  and  to  rain  and,  be  redtom,  she  was  back  again 
at  Jarl  van  Hoother's  in  a  brace  of  samers  and  the  jiminy  with 
her  in  her  pinafrond,  lace  at  night,  at  another  time.  And  where 
did  she  come  but  to  the  bar  of  his  bristolry.  And  Jarl  von  Hoo- 
ther had  his  baretholobruised  heels  drowned  in  his  cellarmalt, 
shaking  warm  hands  with  himself  and  the  jimminy  Hilary  and 

21 


the  dummy  in  their  first  infancy  were  below  on  the  tearsheet, 
wringing  and  coughing,  like  brodar  and  histher.  And  the  prank- 
quean  nipped  a  paly  one  and  lit  up  again  and  redcocks  flew  flack- 
ering from  the  hillcombs.  And  she  made  her  witter  before  the 
wicked,  saying:  Mark  the  Twy,  why  do  I  am  alook  alike  two  poss 
of  porterpease?  And:  Shut!  says  the  wicked,  handwording  her 
madesty.  So  her  madesty  a  forethought  set  down  a  jiminy  and 
took  up  a  jiminy  and  all  the  lilipath  ways  to  Woeman*s  Land  she 
rain,  rain,  rain.  And  Jarl  von  Hoother  bleethered  atter  her  with 
a  loud  finegale:  Stop  domb  stop  come  back  with  my  earring  stop. 
But  the  prankquean  swaradid:  Am  liking  it.  And  there  was  a  wild 
old  grannewwail  that  laurency  night  of  starshootings  somewhere 
in  Erio.  And  the  prankquean  went  for  her  forty  years'  walk  in 
Turnlemeem  and  she  punched  the  curses  of  cromcruwell  with 
the  nail  of  a  top  into  the  jiminy  and  she  had  her  four  larksical 
monitrix  to  touch  him  his  tears  and  she  provorted  him  to  the 
onecertain  allsecure  and  he  became  a  tristian.  So  then  she  started 
raining,  raining,  and  in  a  pair  of  changers,  be  dom  ter,  she  was 
back  again  at  Jarl  von  Hoother 's  and  the  Larryhill  with  her  under 
her  abromette.  And  why  would  she  halt  at  all  if  not  by  the  ward 
of  his  mansionhome  of  another  nice  lace  for  the  third  charm? 
And  Jarl  von  Hoother  had  his  hurricane  hips  up  to  his  pantry- 
box,  ruminating  in  his  holdfour  stomachs  (Dare!  O  dare!),  and 
the  jiminy  Toughertrees  and  the  dummy  were  belove  on  the 
watercloth,  kissing  and  spitting,  and  roguing  and  poghuing,  like 
knavepaltry  and  naivebride  and  in  their  second  infancy.  And  the 
prankquean  picked  a  blank  and  lit  out  and  the  valleys  lay  twink- 
ling. And  she  made  her  wittest  in  front  of  the  arkway  of  trihump, 
asking:  Mark  the  Tris,  why  do  I  am  alook  alike  three  poss  of  por- 
ter pease.'^  But  that  was  how  the  skirtmishes  endupped.  For  like 
the  Campbells  acoming  with  a  fork  lance  of  lightning,  Jarl  von 
Hoother  Boanerges  himself,  the  old  terror  of  the  dames,  came 
hip  hop  handihap  out  through  the  pikeopened  arkway  of  his 
three  shuttoned  castles,  in  his  broadginger  hat  and  his  civic  chol- 
lar  and  his  allabuff  hemmed  and  his  bullbraggin  soxangloves 
and  his  ladbroke  breeks  and  his  cattegut  bandolair  and  his  fur- 

22 


■ 


J 


Yv\ov: 


framed  panuncular  cumbottes  like  a  rudd  yellan  gruebleen  Or- 
angeman in  his  violet  indigonation,  to  the  whole  longth  of  the 
strongth  of  his  bowman's  bill.  And  he  clopped  his  rude  hand  to 
his  eacy  hitch  and  he  ordurd  and  his  thick  spch  spck  for  her  to 
shut  up  shop,  dappy.  And  the  duppy  shot  the  shutter  clup  (Per- 
kodhuskurunbarggruauyagokgorlayorgromgremmitghundhurth-J 
rumathunaradidillifaititillibumullunukkunun!)  And  they  all  drank 
free.  For  one  man  in  his  armour  was  a  fat  match  always  for  any 
girls  under  shurts.  And  that  was  the  first  peace  of  illiterative 
porthery  in  all  the  flamend  floody  flatuous  world.  How  kirssy  the 
tiler  made  a  sweet  unclose  to  the  Narwhealian  captol.  Saw  fore 
shalt  thou  sea.  Betoun  ye  and  be.  The  prankquean  was  to  hold 
her  dummyship  and  the  jimminies  was  to  keep  the  peacewave 
and  van  Hoother  was  to  git  the  wind  up.  Thus  the  hearsomeness 
of  the  burger  felicitates  the  whole  of  the  polis. 

O  foenix  culprit!  Ex  nickylow  malo  comes  mickelmassed  bo- 
num.  Hill,  rill,  ones  in  company,  billeted,  less  be  proud  of.  Breast 
high  and  bestride!  Only  for  that  these  will  not  breathe  upon 
Norronesen  or  Irenean  the  secrest  of  their  soorcelossness.  Quar- 
ry silex,  Homfrie  Noanswa!  Undy  gentian  festyknees,  Li  via  No- 
answa.'*  Wolkencap  is  on  him,  frowned;  audiurient,  he  would 
evesdrip,  were  it  mous  at  hand,  were  it  dinn  of  bottles  in  the  far 
ear.  Murk,  his  vales  are  darkling.  With  lipth  she  lithpeth  to  him 
all  to  time  of  thuch  on  thuch  and  thow  on  thow.  She  he  she  ho 
she  ha  to  la.  Hairfluke,  if  he  could  bad  twig  her!  Impalpabunt, 
he  abhears.  The  soundwaves  are  his  buffeteers;  they  trompe  him 
with  their  trompes;  the  wave  of  roary  and  the  wave  of  hooshed 
and  the  wave  of  hawhawhawrd  and  the  wave  of  neverheedthem- 
horseluggarsandlistletomine.  Landloughed  by  his  neaghboormis- 
tress  and  perpetrified  in  his  ofFsprung,  sabes  and  suckers,  the 
moaning  pipers  could  tell  him  to  his  faceback,  the  louthly  one 
whose  loab  we  are  devorers  of,  how  butt  for  his  hold  halibutt,  or 
her  to  her  pudor  puff,  the  lipalip  one  whose  libe  we  drink  at,  how 
biff  for  her  tiddjrwink  of  a  windfall,  our  breed  and  washer  givers, 
there  would  not  be  a  holey  spier  on  the  town  nor  a  vestal  flout- 
ing in  the  dock,  nay  to  make  plein  avowels,  nor  a  yew  nor  an  eye 

23 


to  play  cash  cash  in  Novo  Nilbud  by  swamplight  nor  a'  toole  o' 
tall  o*  toll  and  noddy  hint  to  the  convaynience. 

He  dug  in  and  dug  out  by  the  skill  of  his  tilth  for  himself  and 
all  belonging  to  him  and  he  sweated  his  crew  beneath  his  auspice 
for  the  living  and  he  urned  his  dread,  that  dragon  volant,  and  he 
made  louse  for  us  and  delivered  us  to  boll  weevils  amain,  that 
mighty  liberator,  Unfru-Chikda-Uru-Wukru  and  begad  he  did, 
our  ancestor  most  worshipful,  till  he  thought  of  a  better  one  in 
his  windower's  house  with  that  blushmantle  upon  him  from  ears- 
end  to  earsend.  And  would  again  could  whispring  grassies  wake 
him  and  may  again  when  the  fiery  bird  disembers.  And  will 
again  if  so  be  sooth  by  elder  to  his  youngers  shall  be  said.  Have 
you  whines  for  my  wedding,  did  you  bring  bride  and  bedding, 
will  you  whoop  for  my  deading  is  a?  Wake?  Usqueadbaugham/ 

Anam  muck  an  dhoul!  Did  ye  drink  me  doornail? 

Now  be  aisy,  good  Mr  Finnimore,  sir.  And  take  your  laysure 
like  a  god  on  pension  and  don't  be  walking  abroad.  Sure  you'd 
only  lose  yourself  in  Healiopolis  now  the  way  your  roads  in 
Kapelavaster  are  that  winding  there  after  the  calvary,  the  North 
Umbrian  and  the  Fivs  Barrow  and  Waddlings  Raid  and  the 
Bower  Moore  and  wet  your  feet  maybe  with  the  foggy  dew's 
abroad.  Meeting  some  sick  old  bankrupt  or  the  Cottericks'  donkey 
with  his  shoe  hanging,  clankatachankata,  or  a  slut  snoring  with  an 
impure  infant  on  a  bench.  'Twould  turn  you  against  life,  so 
'twould.  And  the  weather's  that  mean  too.  To  part  from  Devlin 
is  hard  as  Nugent  knew,  to  leave  the  clean  tanglesome  one  lushier 
than  its  neighbour  enfranchisable  fields  but  let  your  ghost  have 
no  grievance.  You're  better  off,  sir,  where  you  are,  primesigned 
in  the  full  of  your  dress,  bloodeagle  waistcoat  and  all,  remember- 
ing your  shapes  and  sizes  on  the  pillow  of  your  babycurls  under 
your  sycamore  by  the  keld  water  where  the  Tory's  clay  will  scare 
the  varmints  and  have  all  you  want,  pouch,  gloves,  flask,  bricket, 
kerchief,  ring  and  amberulla,  the  whole  treasure  of  the  pyre,  in  the 
land  of  souls  with  Homin  and  Broin  Baroke  and  pole  ole  Lonan 
and  Nobucketnozzler  and  the  Guinnghis  Khan.  And  we'll  be 
coming  here,  the  ombre  players,  to  rake  your  gravel  and  bringing 

24 


you  presents,  won't  we,  fenians?  And  it  isn't  our  spittle  we'll  stint 
you  of,  is  it,  druids?  Not  shabbty  little  imagettes,  pennydirts  and 
dodgemyeyes  you  buy  in  the  soottee  stores.  But  offerings  of  the 
field.  Mieliodories,  that  Doctor  Faherty,  the  madison  man, 
taught  to  gooden  you.  Poppypap's  a  passport  out.  And  honey  is 
the  holiest  thing  ever  was,  hive,  comb  and  earwax,  the  food  for 
glory,  (mind  you  keep  the  pot  or  your  nectar  cup  may  yield  too 
light!)  and  some  goat's  milk,  sir,  like  the  maid  used  to  bring  you. 
Your  fame  is  spreading  like  Basilico's  ointment  since  the  Fintan 
Lalors  piped  you  overborder  and  there's  whole  households  be- 
yond the  Bothnians  and  they  calling  names  after  you.  The  men- 
here's  always  talking  of  you  sitting  around  on  the  pig's  cheeks 
under  the  sacred  rooftree,  over  the  bowls  of  memory  where  every 
hollow  holds  a  hallow,  with  a  pledge  till  the  drengs,  in  the  Salmon 
House.  And  admiring  to  our  supershillelagh  where  the  palmsweat 
on  high  is  the  mark  of  your  manument.  All  the  toethpicks  ever 
Eirenesians  chewed  on  are  chips  chepped  from  that  battery 
block.  If  you  were  bowed  and  soild  and  letdown  itself  from  the 
oner  of  the  load  it  was  that  paddyplanters  might  pack  up  plenty  and 
when  you  were  undone  in  every  point  fore  the  laps  of  goddesses  ^"^y^i,^- 
you  showed  our  labourlasses  how  to  free  was  easy.  The  game  old 
Gunne,  they  do  be  saying,  (skull !)  that  was  a  planter  for  you,  a 
spicer  of  them  all.  Begog  but  he  was,  the  G.O.G!  He's  dudd- 
andgunne  now  and  we're  apter  finding  the  sores  of  his  sedeq 
but  peace  to  his  great  limbs,  the  buddhoch,  with  the  last  league 
long  rest  of  him,  while  the  millioncandled  eye  of  Tuskar  sweeps 
the  Moylean  Main !  There  was  never  a  warlord  in  Great  Erinnes 
and  Brettland,  no,  nor  in  all  Pike  County  like  you,  they  say.  No, 
nor  a  king  nor  an  ardking,  bung  king,  sung  king  or  hung  king. 
That  you  could  fell  an  elmstree  twelve  urchins  couldn't  ring 
round  and  hoist  high  the  stone  that  Liam  failed.  Who  but  a  Mac- 
cullaghmore  the  reise  of  our  fortunes  and  the  faunayman  at  the 
funeral  to  compass  our  cause. ^  If  you  was  hogglebully  itself  and 
most  frifty  like  you  was  taken  waters  still  what  all  where  was 
your  like  to  lay  the  cable  or  who  was  the  batter  could  better 
Your  Grace.^  Mick  Mac  Magnus  MacCawley  can  take  you  off  to 

25 


the  pure  perfection  and  Leatherbags  Reynolds  tries  your  shuffle 
and  cut.  But  as  Hopkins  and  Hopkins  puts  it,  you  were  the  pale 
eggynaggy  and  a  kis  to  tilly  up.  We  calls  him  the  journeyall 
Buggaloffs  since  he  went  Jerusalemfaring  in  Arssia  Manor.  You 
had  a  gamier  cock  than  Pete,  Jake  or  Martin  and  your  archgoose 
of  geese  stubbled  for  All  Angels*  Day.  So  may  the  priest  of  seven 
worms  and  scalding  tayboil.  Papa  Vestray,  come  never  anear  you 
as  your  hair  grows  wheater  beside  the  Liffey  that's  in  Heaven! 
Hep,  hep,  hurrah  there!  Hero!  Seven  times  thereto  we  salute 
you!  The  whole  bag  of  kits,  falconplumes  and  jackboots  incloted, 
is  where  you  flung  them  that  time.  Your  heart  is  in  the  system 
of  the  Shewolf  and  your  crested  head  is  in  the  tropic  of  Copri- 
capron.  Your  feet  are  in  the  cloister  of  Virgo.  Your  olala  is  in  the 
region  of  sahuls.  And  that's  ashore  as  you  were  born.  Your  shuck 
tick's  swell.  And  that  there  texas  is  tow  linen.  The  loamsome 
roam  to  Laffayette  is  ended.  Drop  in  your  tracks,  babe !  Be  not 
unrested!  The  headboddylwatcher  of  the  chempel  of  Isid, 
Totumcalmum,  saith:  I  know  thee,  metherjar,  I  know  thee,  sal- 
vation boat.  For  we  have  performed  upon  thee,  thou  abrama- 
nation,  who  comest  ever  without  being  invoked,  whose  coming 
is  unknown,  all  the  things  which  the  company  of  the  precentors 
and  of  the  grammarians  of  Chris tpatrick's  ordered  concerning 
thee  in  the  matter  of  the  work  of  thy  tombing.  Howe  of  the  ship- 
men,  steep  wall!  !  c/w\ 

Everything's  going  on  the  same  or  so  it  appeals  to  all  of  us, 
in  the  old  holmsted  here.  Coughings  all  over  the  sanctuary,  bad 
scrant  to  me  aunt  Florenza.  The  horn  for  breakfast,  one  o'gong 
for  lunch  and  dinnerchime.  As  popular  as  when  Belly  the  First 
was  keng  and  his  members  met  in  the  Diet  of  Man.  The  same 
shop  slop  in  the  window.  Jacob's  lettercrackers  and  Dr  Tipple's 
Vi-Cocoa  and  the  Eswuards'  desippated  soup  beside  Mother  Sea- 
gull's syrup.  Meat  took  a  drop  when  Reilly-Parsons  failed.  Coal's 
short  but  we've  plenty  of  bog  in  the  yard.  And  barley's  up  again, 
begrained  to  it.  The  lads  is  attending  school  nessans  regular,  sir, 
spelling  beesknees  with  hathatansy  and  turning  out  tables  by 
mudapplication.  Allfor  the  books  and  never  pegging  smashers 

26 


I 


after  Tom  Bowe  Glassarse  or  Timmy  the  Tosser.  'Tisraely  the 
truth!  No  isn't  it,  roman  pathoricks?  You  were  the  double] ojoited 
janitor  the  morning  they  were  delivered  and  you'll  be  a  grandfer 
yet  entirely  when  the  ritehand  seizes  what  the  lovearm  knows. 
Kevin's  just  a  doat  with  his  cherub  cheek,  chalking  oghres  on 
walls,  and  his  litde  lamp  and  schoolbelt  and  bag  of  knicks,  playing 
postman's  knock  round  the  diggings  and  if  the  seep  were  milk 
you  could  lieve  his  olde  by  his  ide  but,  laus  sake,  the  devil  does 
be  in  that  knirps  of  a  Jerry  sometimes,  the  tarandtan  plaidboy, 
making  encostive  inkum  out  of  the  last  of  his  lavings  and  writing 
a  blue  streak  over  his  bourseday  shirt.  Hetty  Jane's  a  child  of 
Mary.  She'll  be  coming  (for  they're  sure  to  choose  her)  in  her 
white  of  gold  with  a  tourch  of  ivy  to  rekindle  the  flame  on  Felix 
Day.  But  Essie  Shanahan  has  let  down  her  skirts.  You  remember 
Essie  in  our  Luna's  Convent.^  They  called  her  Holly  Merry  her 
lips  were  so  ruddyberry  and  Pia  de  Purebelle  when  the  redminers 
riots  was  on  about  her.  Were  I  a  clerk  designate  to  the  Williams- 
woodsmenufactors  I'd  poster  those  pouters  on  every  jamb  in  the 
town.  She's  making  her  rep  at  Lanner's  twicenightly.  With  the 
tabarine  tamtammers  of  the  whirligigmagees.  Beats  that  cachucha 
flat.  'Twould  dilate  your  heart  to  go. 

Aisy  now,  you  decent  man,  with  your  knees  and  lie  quiet  and 
repose  your  honour's  lordship !  Hold  him  here,  Ezekiel  Irons,  and 
may  God  strengthen  you!  It's  our  warm  spirits,  boys,  he's  spoor- 
ing. Dimitrius  O'Flagonan,  cork  that  cure  for  the  Clancartys !  You 
swamped  enough  since  Portobello  to  float  the  Pomeroy.  Fetch 
neahere,  Pat  Koy!  And  fetch  nouyou,  Pam  Yates!  Be  nayther 
angst  of  Wramawitch!  Here's  lumbos.  Where  misties  swaddlum, 
where  misches  lodge  none,  where  mystries  pour  kind  on,  O 
sleepy!  So  be  yet! 

I've  an  eye  on  queer  Behan  and  old  Kate  and  the  butter,  trust  me. 
She'll  do  no  jugglywuggly  with  her  war  souvenir  postcards  to 
help  to  build  me  murial,  tippers!  I'll  trip  your  traps!  Assure  a 
sure  there !  And  we  put  on  your  clock  again,  sir,  for  you.  Did  or 
didn't  we,  sharestutterers.'^  So  you  won't  be  up  a  stump  entirely. 
Nor  shed  your  remnants.  The  sternwheel's  crawling  strong.  I 

27 


seen  your  missus  in  the  hall.  Like  the  queenoveire.  Arrah,  it*s 
herself  that's  fine,  too,  don't  be  talking!  Shirksends?  You  storyan 
Harry  chap  longa  me  Harry  chap  storyan  grass  woman  plelthy 
good  trout.  Shakeshands.  Dibble  a  hayfork's  wrong  with  her  only 
her  lex's  salig.  Boald  Tib  does  be  yawning  and  smirking  cat's 
hours  on  the  Pollockses'  woolly  round  tabouretcushion  watch- 
ing her  sewing  a  dream  together,  the  tailor's  daughter,  stitch  to 
her  last.  Or  while  waiting  for  winter  to  fire  the  enchantement, 
decoying  more  nesters  to  fall  down  the  flue.  It's  an  allavalonche  that 
blows  nopussy  food.  If  you  only  were  there  to  explain  the  mean- 
ing, best  of  men,  and  talk  to  her  nice  of  guldenselver.  The  lips 
would  moisten  once  again.  As  when  you  drove  with  her  to  Fin- 
drinny  Fair.  What  with  reins  here  and  ribbons  there  all  your 
hands  were  employed  so  she  never  knew  was  she  on  land  or  at 
sea  or  swooped  through  the  blue  like  Airwinger's  bride.  She 
was  flirtsome  then  and  she's  fluttersome  yet.  She  can  second  a 
song  and  adores  a  scandal  when  the  last  post's  gone  by.  Fond  of 
a  concertina  and  pairs  passing  when  she's  had  her  forty  winks 
for  supper  after  kanekannan  and  abbely  dimpling  and  is  in  her 
merlin  chair  assotted,  reading  her  Evening  World.  To  see  is 
it  smarts,  full  lengths  or  swaggers.  News,  news,  all  the  news. 
Death,  a  leopard,  kills  fellah  in  Fez.  Angry  scenes  at  Stormount. 
Stilla  Star  with  her  lucky  in  goingaways.  Opportunity  fair  with 
the  China  floods  and  we  hear  these  rosy  rumours.  Ding  Tams  he 
noise  about  all  same  Harry  chap.  She's  seeking  her  way,  a  chickle 
a  chuckle,  in  and  out  of  their  serial  story,  Les  Loves  of  Selskar 
et  Pervenche^  freely  adapted  to  The  Novvergins  Viv.  There'll 
be  bluebells  blowing  in  salty  sepulchres  the  night  she  signs  her 
final  tear.  Zee  End.  But  that's  a  world  of  ways  away.  Till  track 
laws  time.  No  silver  ash  or  switches  for  that  one!  While  flattering 
candles  flare.  Anna  Stacey's  how  are  you!  Worther  waist  in  the 
noblest,  says  Adams  and  Sons,  the  wouldpay  actionneers.  Her 
hair's  as  brown  as  ever  it  was.  And  wivvy  and  wavy.  Repose  you 
now!  Finn  no  more! 

For,  be  that  samesake  sibsubstitute  of  a  hooky  salmon,  there's 
already  a  big  rody  ram  lad  at  random  on  the  premises  of  his 

28 


_ 


haunt  of  the  hungred  bordles,  as  it  is  told  me.  Shop  Illicit, 
flourishing  like  a  lordmajor  or  a  buaboabaybohm,  litting  flop 
a  deadlop  (aloose!)  to  lee  but  lifting  a  bennbranch  a  yardalong 
(ivoeh!)  on  the  breezy  side  (for  showm!),  the  height  of  Brew- 
ster's chimpney  and  as  broad  below  as  Phineas  Barnum;  humph- 
ing  his  share  of  the  showthers  is  senken  on  him  he's  such  a 
grandfallar,  with  a  pocked  wife  in  pickle  that's  a  flyfire  and  three 
lice  nittle  clinkers,  two  twilling  bugs  and  one  midgit  pucelle. 
And  aither  he  cursed  and  recursed  and  was  everseen  doing  what 
your  fourfootlers  saw  or  he  was  never  done  seeing  what  you  cool- 
pigeons  know,  weep  the  clouds  aboon  for  smiledown  witnesses, 
and  that'll  do  now  about  the  fairyhees  and  the  frailyshees. 
Though  Eset  fibble  it  to  the  zephiroth  and  Artsa  zoom  it  round 
her  heavens  for  ever.  Creator  he  has  created  for  his  creatured 
ones  a  creation.  White  monothoid.'^  Red  theatrocrat.^  And  all  the 
pinkprophets  cohalething.^  Very  much  so!  But  however  'twas 
'tis  sure  for  one  thing,  what  sherif  Toragh  voucherfors  and 
Mapqiq  makes  put  out,  that  the  man,  Humme  the  Cheapner, 
Esc,  overseen  as  we  thought  him,  yet  a  worthy  of  the  naym, 
came  at  this  timecoloured  place  where  we  live  in  our  paroqial 
fermament  one  tide  on  another,  with  a  bumrush  in  a  hull  of  a 
wherry,  the  twin  turbane  dhow.  The  Bey  for  Dyhhling^  this 
archipelago's  first  visiting  schooner,  with  a  wicklowpattern 
waxenwench  at  her  prow  for  a  figurehead,  the  deadsea  dugong 
updipdripping  from  his  depths,  and  has  been  repreaching  him- 
self like  a  fishmummer  these  siktyten  years  ever  since,  his  shebi 
by  his  shide,  adi  and  aid,  growing  hoarish  under  his  turban  and 
changing  cane  sugar  into  sethulose  starch  (Tuttut's  cess  to  him!) 
as  also  that,  batin  the  bulkihood  he  bloats  about  when  innebbi- 
ated,  our  old  offender  was  humile,  commune  and  ensectuous 
from  his  nature,  which  you  may  gauge  after  the  bynames  was 
put  under  him,  in  lashons  of  languages,  (honnein  suit  and 
praisers  be!)  and,  totaUsating  him,  even  hamissim  of  himashim 
that  he,  sober  serious,  he  is  ee  and  no  counter  he  who  will  be 
ultimendly  respunchable  for  the  hubbub  caused  in  Eden- 
borough. 

29 


Now  (to  forebare  for  ever  solittle  of  Iris  Trees  and  Lili  O'Ran- 
gans),  concerning  the  genesis  of  Harold  or  Humphrey  Chimp- 
den's  occupational  agnomen  (we  are  back  in  the  presurnames 
prodromarith  period,  of  course  just  when  enos  chalked  halltraps) 
and  discarding  once  for  all  those  theories  from  older  sources  which 
would  link  him  back  with  such  pivotal  ancestors  as  the  Glues,  the 
Gravys,  the  Northeasts,  the  Ankers  and  the  Earwickers  of  Sidles- 
ham  in  the  Hundred  of  Manhood  or  proclaim  him  ofFsprout  of 
vikings  who  had  founded  wapentake  and  seddled  hem  in  Herrick 
or  Eric,  the  best  authenticated  version,  the  Dumlat,  read  the 
Reading  of  Hofed-ben-Edar,  has  it  that  it  was  this  way.  We  are 
told  how  in  the  beginning  it  came  to  pass  that  like  cabbaging 
Cincinnatus  the  grand  old  gardener  was  saving  daylight  under  his 
redwoodtree  one  sultry  sabbath  afternoon,  Hag  Chivychas  Eve, 
in  prefall  paradise  peace  by  following  his  plough  for  roodes  in  the 
rere  garden  of  mobhouse,  ye  olde  marine  hotel,  when  royalty  was 
announced  by  runner  to  have  been  pleased  to  have  halted  itself  on 
the  highroad  along  which  a  leisureloving  dogfox  had  cast  fol- 
lowed, also  at  walking  pace,  by  a  lady  pack  of  cocker  spaniels.  For- 
getful of  all  save  his  vassal's  plain  fealty  to  the  ethnarch  Humphrey 
or  Harold  stayed  not  to  yoke  or  saddle  but  stumbled  out  hotface 
as  he  was  (his  sweatful  bandanna  loose  from  his  pocketcoat)  hast- 
ing to  the  forecourts  of  his  public  in  topee,  surcingle,  solascarf  and 
plaid,  plus  fours,  puttees  and  bulldog  boots  ruddled  cinnabar  with 

30 


I 


flagrant  marl,  jingling  his  turnpike  keys  and  bearing  aloft  amid 
the  fixed  pikes  of  the  hunting  party  a  high  perch  atop  of  which  a 
flowerpot  was  fixed  earthside  hoist  with  care.  On  his  majesty,  who 
was,  or  often  feigned  to  be,  noticeably  longsighted  from  green 
youth  and  had  been  meaning  to  inquire  what,  in  effect,  had  caused 
yon  causeway  to  be  thus  potholed,  asking  substitutional^  to  be 
put  wise  as  to  whether  paternoster  and  silver  doctors  were  not 
now  more  fancied  bait  for  lobstertrapping  honest  blunt  Harom- 
phreyld  answered  in  no  uncertain  tones  very  similarly  with  a  fear- 
less forehead:  Naw,  yer  maggers,  aw  war  jist  a  cotchin  on  thon 
bluggy  earwuggers.  Our  sailor  king,  who  was  draining  a  gugglet 
of  obvious  adamale,  gift  both  and  gorban,  upon  this,  ceasing  to 
swallow,  smiled  most  heartily  beneath  his  walrus  moustaches  and 
indulging  that  none  too  genial  humour  which  William  the  Conk 
on  the  spindle  side  had  inherited  with  the  hereditary  whitelock 
and  some  shortfingeredness  from  his  greataunt  Sophy,  turned  to- 
wards two  of  his  retinue  of  gallowglasses,  Michael,  etheling  lord 
of  Leix  and  OfFaly  and  the  jubilee  mayor  of  Drogheda,  Elcock, 
(the  two  scatterguns  being  Michael  M.  Manning,  protosyndic  of 
Waterford  and  an  Italian  excellency  named  Giubilei  according  to 
a  later  version  cited  by  the  learned  scholarch  Canavan  of  Can- 
makenoise),  in  either  case  a  triptychal  religious  family  symbolising 
puritas  of  doctrina,  business  per  usuals  and  the  purchypatch  of 
hamlock  where  the  paddish  preties  grow  and  remarked  dilsydul- 
sily:  Holybones  of  Saint  Hubert  how  our  red  brother  of  Pour- 
ingrainia  would  audibly  fume  did  he  know  that  we  have  for  sur- 
trusty  bailiwick  a  turnpiker  who  is  by  turns  a  pikebailer  no  sel- 
domer  than  an  earwigger!  For  he  kinned  Jom  Pill  with  his  court 
so  gray  and  his  haunts  in  his  house  in  the  mourning.  (One  still 
hears  that  pebble  crusted  laughta,  japijap  cheerycherrily,  among 
the  roadside  tree  the  lady  Holmpatrick  planted  and  still  one  feels 
the  amossive  silence  of  the  cladstone  allegibelling:  Ive  mies  outs 
ide  Bourn.)  Comes  the  question  are  these  the  facts  of  his  nom- 
inigentilisation  as  recorded  and  accolated  in  both  or  either  of  the 
collateral  andrewpaulmurphyc  narratives.  Are  those  their  fata 
which  we  read  in  sibylline  between  the  fas  and  its  nefas?  No  dung 

31 


on  the  road?  And  shall  Nohomiah  be  our  place  like?  Yea,  Mulachy 
our  kingable  khan?  We  shall  perhaps  not  so  soon  see.  Pinck 
poncks  that  bail  for  seeks  alicence  where  cumsceptres  with  scen- 
taurs  stay.  Bear  in  mind,  son  of  Hokmah,  if  so  be  you  have  me- 
theg  in  your  midness,  this  man  is  mountain  and  unto  changeth 
doth  one  ascend.  Heave  we  aside  the  fallacy,  as  punical  as  finikin, 
that  it  was  not  the  king  kingself  but  his  inseparable  sisters,  un- 
controllable nighttalkers,  Skertsiraizde  with  Donyahzade,  who 
afterwards,  when  the  robberers  shot  up  the  socialights,  came  down 
into  the  world  as  amusers  and  were  staged  by  Madame  Sudlow 
as  Rosa  and  Lily  Miskinguette  in  the  pantalime  that  two  pitts 
paythronosed,  Miliodorus  and  Galathee.  The  great  fact  emerges 
that  after  that  historic  date  all  holographs  so  far  exhumed  ini- 
tialled by  Haromphrey  bear  the  sigla  H.C.E.  and  while  he  was 
only  and  long  and  always  good  Dook  Umphrey  for  the  hunger- 
lean  spalpeens  of  Lucalizod  and  Chimbers  to  his  cronies  it  was 
equally  certainly  a  pleasant  turn  of  the  populace  which  gave  him 
as  sense  of  those  normative  letters  the  nickname  Here  Comes 
Everybody.  An  imposing  everybody  he  always  indeed  looked, 
constantly  the  same  as  and  equal  to  himself  and  magnificently  well 
worthy  of  any  and  all  such  universalisation,  every  time  he  con- 
tinually surveyed,  amid  vociferatings  from  in  front  of  Accept  these 
few  nutties!  and  Take  off  that  white  hat!  ^  relieved  with  Stop  his  Grog 
and  Put  It  in  the  Log  and  Loots  in  his  (bassvoco)  Boots ^  from  good 
start  to  happy  finish  the  truly  catholic  assemblage  gathered  together 
in  that  king's  treat  house  of  satin  alustrelike  above  floats  and  foot- 
lights from  their  assbawlveldts  and  oxgangs  unanimously  to  clap- 
plaud  (the  inspiration  of  his  lifetime  and  the  hits  of  their  careers) 
Mr  Wallenstein  Washington  Semperkelly's  immergreen  tourers 
in  a  command  performance  by  special  request  with  the  courteous 
permission  for  pious  purposes  the  homedromed  and  enliventh 
performance  of  the  problem  passion  play  of  the  millentury,  running 
\  .0*3  strong  since  creation,  A  Royal  Divorce^  then  near  the  approach 
towards  the  summit  of  its  climax,  with  ambitious  interval  band 
selections  from  The  Bo  Girl  and  The  Lily  on  all  horserie  show 
command  nights  from  his  viceregal  booth  (his  bossaloner  is  ceil- 

32 


inged  there  a  cuckoospit  less  eminent  than  the  redritualhoods  of 
Maccabe  and  Cullen)  where,  a  veritable  Napoleon  the  Nth,  our 
worldstage's  practical  jokepiece  and  retired  cecelticocommediant 
in  his  own  wise,  this  folksforefather  all  of  the  time  sat,  having  the 
entirety  of  his  house  about  him,  with  the  invariable  broadstretched 
kerchief  cooling  his  whole  neck,  nape  and  shoulderblades  and  in 
a  wardrobe  panelled  tuxedo  completely  thrown  back  from  a  shirt 
well  entitled  a  swallowall,  on  every  point  far  outstarching  the 
laundered  clawhammers  and  marbletopped  highboys  of  the  pit 
stalls  and  early  amphitheatre.  The  piece  was  this:  look  at  the  lamps. 
The  cast  was  thus:  see  under  the  clock.  Ladies  circle:  cloaks  may 
be  left.  Pit,  prommer  and  parterre,  standing  room  only.  Habituels 
conspicuously  emergent. 

A  baser  meaning  has  been  read  into  these  characters  the  literal 
sense  of  which  decency  can  safely  scarcely  hint.  It  has  been  blur- 
tingly  bruited  by  certain  wisecrackers  (the  stinks  of  Mohorat  are 
in  the  nightplots  of  the  morning),  that  he  suffered  from  a  vile 
disease.  Athma,  unmanner  them!  To  such  a  suggestion  the  one 
selfrespecting  answer  is  to  affirm  that  there  are  certain  statements 
which  ought  not  to  be,  and  one  should  like  to  hope  to  be  able  to 
add,  ought  not  to  be  allowed  to  be  made.  Nor  have  his  detractors, 
who,  an  imperfectly  warmblooded  race,  apparently  conceive  him 
as  a  great  white  caterpillar  capable  of  any  and  every  enormity  in 
the  calendar  recorded  to  the  discredit  of  the  Juke  and  Kellikek 
families,  mended  their  case  by  insinuating  that,  alternately,  he  lay 
at  one  time  under  the  ludicrous  imputation  of  annoying  Welsh 
fusiliers  in  the  people's  park.  Hay,  hay,  hay!  Hoq,  hoq,  hoq! 
Faun  and  Flora  on  the  lea  love  that  little  old  joq.  To  anyone  who 
knew  and  loved  the  christlikeness  of  the  big  cleanminded  giant 
H.  C.  Earwicker  throughout  his  excellency  long  vicefreegal  exis- 
tence the  mere  suggestion  of  him  as  a  lustsleuth  nosing  for  trou- 
ble in  a  boobytrap  rings  particularly  preposterous.  Truth,  beard 
on  prophet,  compels  one  to  add  that  there  is  said  to  have  been 
quondam  (pfuit!  pfuit!)  some  case  of  the  kind  implicating,  it  is 
interdum  believed,  a  quidam  (if  he  did  not  exist  it  would  be  ne- 
cessary quoniam  to  invent  him)  abhout  that  time  stambuling  ha- 

33 


round  Dumbaling  in  leaky  sneakers  with  his  tarrk  record  who 
has  remained  topantically  anonymos  but  (let  us  hue  him  Abdul- 
lah Gamellaxarksky)  was,  it  is  stated,  posted  at  Mallon's  at  the 
instance  of  watch  warriors  of  the  vigilance  committee  and  years 
afterwards,  cries  one  even  greater,  Ibid,  a  commender  of  the 
frightful,  seemingly,  unto  such  as  were  sulhan  sated,  tropped  head 
(pfiat!  pfiat!)  waiting  his  first  of  the  month  froods  turn  for 
thatt  chopp  pah  kabbakks  alicubi  on  the  old  house  for  the  charge- 
hard,  Roche  Haddocks  off  Hawkins  Street.  Lowe,  you  blondy 
liar.  Gob  scene  you  in  the  narked  place  and  she  what's  edith  ar 
home  defileth  these  boyles!  There's  a  cabful  of  bash  indeed  in 
the  homeur  of  that  meal.  Slander,  let  it  lie  its  flattest,  has  never 
been  able  to  convict  our  good  and  great  and  no  ordinary  Southron 
Earwicker,  that  homogenius  man,  as  a  pious  author  called  him,  of 
any  graver  impropriety  than  that,  advanced  by  some  woodwards 
or  regarders,  who  did  not  dare  deny,  the  shomers,  that  they  had, 
chin  Ted,  chin  Tam,  chinchin  Taffyd,  that  day  consumed  their 
soul  of  the  corn,  of  having  behaved  with  ongentilmensky  im- 
modus  opposite  a  pair  of  dainty  maidservants  in  the  swoolth  of 
the  rushy  hollow  whither,  or  so  the  two  gown  and  pinners  plead- 
ed, dame  nature  in  all  innocency  had  spontaneously  and  about  the 
same  hour  of  the  eventide  sent  them  both  but  whose  published 
combinations  of  silkinlaine  testimonies  are,  where  not  dubiously 
pure,  visibly  divergent,  as  wapt  from  wept,  on  minor  points  touch- 
ing the  intimate  nature  of  this,  a  first  offence  in  vert  or  venison 
which  was  admittedly  an  incautious  but,  at  its  wildest,  a  partial  ex- 
posure with  such  attenuating  circumstances  (garthen  gaddeth  green 
hwere  sokeman  brideth  girling)  as  an  abnormal  Saint  Swithin's 
summer  and,  (Jesses  Rosasharon !)  a  ripe  occasion  to  provoke  it. 

We  can't  do  without  them.  Wives,  rush  to  the  restyours !  Of- 
man  will  toman  while  led  is  the  loL  Zessid's  our  kadem,  villa- 
pleach,  vollapluck.  Fikup,  for  flesh  nelly,  el  mundo  nov,  zole  flen ! 
If  she's  a  lilyth,  pull  early!  Pauline,  allow!  And  malers  abushed, 
keep  black,  keep  black!  Guiltless  of  much  laid  to  him  he  was 
clearly  for  once  at  least  he  clearly  expressed  himself  as  being  with 
still  a  trace  of  his  erstwhile  burr  and  hence  it  has  been  received  of 

34 


us  that  it  is  true.  They  tell  the  story  (an  amalgam  as  absorbing  as 
calzium  chloereydes  and  hydrophobe  sponges  could  make  it)  how 
one  happygogusty  Ides-of-April  morning  (the  anniversary,  as  it 
fell  out,  of  his  first  assumption  of  his  mirthday  suit  and  rights  in 
appurtenance  to  the  confusioning  of  human  races)  ages  and  ages 
after  the  alleged  misdemeanour  when  the  tried  friend  of  all  crea- 
tion, tigerwood  roadstaff  to  his  stay,  was  billowing  across  the 
wide  expanse  of  our  greatest  park  in  his  caoutchouc  kepi  and 
great  belt  and  hideinsacks  and  his  blaufunx  fustian  and  ironsides 
jackboots  and  Bhagafat  gaiters  and  his  rubberised  inverness,  he 
met  a  cad  with  a  pipe.  The  latter,  the  luciferant  not  the  oriuolate 
(who,  the  odds  are,  is  still  berting  dagabout  in  the  same  straw 
bamer,  carryin  his  overgoat  under  his  schulder,  sheepside  out,  so 
as  to  look  more  like  a  coumfry  gentleman  and  signing  the  pledge 
as  gaily  as  you  please)  hardily  accosted  him  with:  Guinness  thaw 
tool  in  jew  me  dinner  ouzel  fin?  (a  nice  how-do-you-do  in  Pool- 
black  at  the  time  as  some  of  our  olddaisers  may  still  tremblingly 
recall)  to  ask  could  he  tell  him  how  much  a  clock  it  was  that  the 
clock  struck  had  he  any  idea  by  cock's  luck  as  his  watch  was 
bradys.  Hesitency  was  clearly  to  be  evitated.  Execration  as  cleverly 
to  be  honnisoid.  The  Earwicker  of  that  spurring  instant,  realising 
on  fundamental  liberal  principles  the  supreme  importance,  nexally 
and  noxally,  of  physical  life  (the  nearest  help  relay  being  pingping 
K.  O.  Sempatrick's  Day  and  the  fenian  rising)  and  unwishful  as 
he  felt  of  being  hurled  into  eternity  right  then,  plugged  by  a  soft- 
nosed  bullet  from  the  sap,  halted,  quick  on  the  draw,  and  reply- 
in  that  he  was  feelin  tipstaff,  cue,  prodooced  from  his  gunpocket 
his  Jurgensen's  shrapnel  waterbury,  ours  by  communionism,  his 
by  usucapture,  but,  on  the  same  stroke,  hearing  above  the  skirl- 
ing of  harsh  Mother  East  old  Fox  Goodman,  the  bellmaster,  over 
the  wastes  to  south,  at  work  upon  the  ten  ton  tonuant  thunder- 
ous tenor  toller  in  the  speckled  church  (Couhounin's  call!)  told 
the  inquiring  kidder,  by  Jehova,  it  was  twelve  of  em  sidereal  and 
tankard  time,  adding,  buttall,  as  he  bended  deeply  with  smoked 
sardinish  breath  to  give  more  pondus  to  the  copperstick  he  pre- 
sented, (though  this  seems  in  some  cumfusium  with  the  chap- 

35 


stuck  ginger  which,  as  being  of  sours,  acids,  salts,  sweets  and 
bitters  compompounded,  we  know  him  to  have  used  as  chaw- 
chaw  for  bone,  muscle,  blood,  flesh  and  vimvital,)  that  where- 
as the  hakusay  accusation  againstm  had  been  made,  what  was 
known  in  high  quarters  as  was  stood  stated  in  Morganspost,  by 
a  creature  in  youman  form  who  was  quite  beneath  parr  and  seve- 
ral degrees  lower  than  yore  triplehydrad  snake.  In  greater  sup- 
port of  his  word  (it,  quaint  anticipation  of  a  famous  phrase,  has 
been  reconstricted  out  of  oral  style  into  the  verbal  for  all  time 
with  ritual  rhythmics,  in  quiritary  quietude,  and  toosammen- 
stucked  from  successive  accounts  by  Noah  Webster  in  the  re- 
daction known  as  the  Sayings  Attributive  of  H.  C.  Earwicker, 
prize  on  schillings,  postlots  free),  the  flaxen  Gygas  tapped  his 
chronometrum  drumdrum  and,  now  standing  full  erect,  above 
the  ambijacent  floodplain,  scene  of  its  happening,  with  one  Ber- 
lin gauntlet  chopstuck  in  the  hough  of  his  ellboge  (by  ancientest 
signlore  his  gesture  meaning:  3!)  pointed  at  an  angle  of  thirty- 
two  degrees  towards  his  due  de  Fers  overgrown  milestone  as 
fellow  to  his  gage  and  after  a  rendypresent  pause  averred  with 
solemn  emotion's  fire:  Shsh  shake,  co-comeraid!  Me  only,  them 
five  ones,  he  is  equal  combat.  I  have  won  straight.  Hence  my 
nonation  wide  hotel  and  creamery  establishments  which  for  the 
honours  of  our  mewmew  mutual  daughters,  credit  me,  I  am  woo- 
woo  willing  to  take  my  stand,  sir,  upon  the  monument,  that  sign 
of  our  ruru  redemption,  any  hygienic  day  to  this  hour  and  to 
make  my  hoath  to  my  sinnfinners,  even  if  I  get  life  for  it,  upon 
the  Open  Bible  and  before  the  Great  Taskmaster's  (I  lift  my  hat!) 
and  in  the  presence  of  the  Deity  Itself  andwell  of  Bishop  and 
Mrs  Michan  of  High  Church  of  England  as  of  all  such  of  said 
my  immediate  withdwellers  and  of  every  living  sohole  in  every 
corner  wheresoever  of  this  globe  in  general  which  useth  of  my 
British  to  my  backbone  tongue  and  commutative  justice  that 
there  is  not  one  tittle  of  truth,  allow  me  to  tell  you,  in  that  purest 
of  fibfib  fabrications. 

Gaping  Gill,  swift  to  mate  errthors,  stern  to  checkself,  (diag- 
nosing through  eustacetube  that  it  was  to  make  with  a  markedly 

36 


postpuberal  hypertituitary  type  of  Heidelberg  mannleich  cavern 
ethics)  lufted  his  slopingforward,  bad  Sweatagore  good  mur- 
rough  and  dublnotch  on  to  it  as  he  was  greedly  obliged,  and 
like  a  sensible  ham,  with  infinite  tact  in  the  delicate  situation  seen 
the  touchy  nature  of  its  perilous  theme,  thanked  um  for  guilders 
received  and  time  of  day  (not  a  little  token  abock  all  the  same  that 
that  was  owl  the  God's  clock  it  was)  and,  upon  humble  duty  to 
greet  his  Tyskminister  and  he  shall  gildthegap  Gaper  and  thee  his 
a  mouldy  voids,  went  about  his  business,  whoever  it  was,  saluting 
corpses,  as  a  metter  of  corse  (one  could  hound  him  out  had  one 
hart  to  for  the  monticules  of  scalp  and  dandruff  droppings  blaze 
his  trail)  accompanied  by  his  trusty  snorler  and  his  permanent 
reflection,  verbigracious;  I  have  met  with  you,  bird,  too  late, 
or  if  not,  too  worm  and  early:  and  with  tag  for  ildiot  repeated 
in  his  secondmouth  language  as  many  of  the  bigtimer's  verbaten 
words  which  he  could  balbly  call  to  memory  that  same  kveldeve, 
ere  the  hour  of  the  twattering  of  bards  in  the  twitter  litter  between 
Druidia  and  the  Deepsleep  Sea,  when  suppertide  and  souvenir  to 
Charlatan  Mall  jointly  kem  gently  and  along  the  quiet  darkenings 
of  Grand  and  Royal,  ff,  flitmansfluh,  and,  kk,  't  crept  i'  hedge 
whenas  to  many  a  softongue's  pawkytalk  mude  unswer  u  sufter 
poghyogh,  Arvanda  always  aquiassent,  while,  studying  castelles 
in  the  blowne  and  studding  cowshots  over  the  noran,  he  spat  in 
careful  convertedness  a  musaic  dispensation  about  his  hearthstone^ 
if  you  please,  (Irish  saliva,  mawshe  dho  hole^  but  would  a  respect- 
able prominently  connected  fellow  of  Iro-European  ascendances 
with  welldressed  ideas  who  knew  the  correct  thing  such  as  Mr 
Shallwesigh  or  Mr  Shallwelaugh  expectorate  after  such  a  callous 
fashion,  no  thank  yous!  when  he  had  his  belcher  spuckertuck  in  his 
pucket,  pthuck?)  musefed  with  his  thockits  after  having  supped 
of  the  dish  sot  and  pottage  which  he  snobbishly  dabbed  Peach 
Bombay  (it  is  rawly  only  Lukanpukan  pilzenpie  which  she  knows 
which  senaffed  and  pibered  him),  a  supreme  of  excelling  peas, 
balled  under  minnshogue's  milk  into  whitemalt  winesour,  a  pro- 
viant  the  littlebilker  hoarsely  relished,  chaff  it,  in  the  snevel  season, 
being  as  fain  o't  as  your  rat  wi'fennel;  and  on  this  celebrating 

37 


occasion  of  the  happy  escape,  for  a  crowning  of  pot  valiance, 
this  regional  platter,  benjamin  of  bouillis,  with  a  spolish  olive  to 
middlepoint  its  zaynith,  was  marrying  itself  (porkograso !)  ere- 
busqued  very  deluxiously  with  a  bottle  of  Phenice-Bruerie  '98, 
followed  for  second  nuptials  by  a  Piessporter,  Grand  Cur,  of 
both  of  which  cherished  tablelights  (though  humble  the  bounquet 
'tis  a  leaman*s  farewell)  he  obdurately  sniffed  the  cobwebcrusted 
corks. 

Our  cad's  bit  of  strife  (knee  Bareniece  Maxwelton)  with  a  quick 
ear  for  spittoons  (as  the  aftertale  hath  it)  glaned  up  as  usual  with 
dumbestic  husbandry  (no  persicks  and  armelians  for  thee,  Pome- 
ranzia!)  but,  slipping  the  clav  in  her  claw,  broke  of  the  matter 
among  a  hundred  and  eleven  others  in  her  usual  curtsey  (how 
faint  these  first  vhespers  womanly  are,  a  secret  pispigliando,  amad 
the  lavurdy  den  of  their  manfolker!)  the  next  night  nudge  one 
as  was  Hegesippus  over  a  hup  a '  chee,  her  eys  dry  and  small  and 
speech  thicklish  because  he  appeared  a  funny  colour  like  he 
couldn't  stood  they  old  hens  no  longer,  to  her  particular  reverend, 
the  director,  whom  she  had  been  meaning  in  her  mind  primarily 
to  speak  with  (hosch,  intra!  jist  a  timblespoon!)  trusting,  between 
cuppled  lips  and  annie  lawrie  promises  (mighshe  never  have 
Esnekerry  pudden  come  Hunanov  for  her  pecklapitschens !)  that 
the  gossiple  so  delivered  in  his  epistolear,  buried  teatoastally  in 
their  Irish  stew  would  go  no  further  than  his  jesuit's  cloth,  yet 
(in  vinars  venitas!  volatiles  valetotum!)  it  was  this  overspoiled 
priest  Mr  Browne,  disguised  as  a  vincentian,  who,  when  seized 
of  the  facts,  was  overheard,  in  his  secondary  personality  as  a 
Nolan  and  underreared,  poul  soul,  by  accident — if,  that  is,  the 
incident  it  was  an  accident  for  here  the  ruah  of  Ecclectiastes 
of  Hippo  outpuffs  the  writress  of  Hawah-ban-Annah — to 
pianissime  a  slightly  varied  version  of  Crookedribs  confidentials, 
(what  Mere  Aloyse  said  but  for  Jesuphine's  sake !)  hands  between 
hahands,  in  fealty  sworn  (my  bravor  best!  my  fraur!)  and,  to  the 
strains  of  The  Secret  of  Her  Birth,  hushly  pierce  the  rubiend 
aurellum  of  one  Philly  Thurnston,  a  layteacher  of  rural  science 
and  orthophonethics  of  a  nearstout  figure  and  about  the  middle 

38 


of  his  forties  during  a  priestly  flutter  for  safe  and  sane  bets  at  the 
hippie  runfields  of  breezy  Baldoyle  on  a  date  (W.  W.  goes 
through  the  caid)  easily  capable  of  rememberance  by  all  pickers- 
up  of  events  national  and  Dublin  details,  the  doubles  of  Perkin 
and  Paullock,  peer  and  prole,  when  the  classic  Encourage  Hackney 
Plate  was  captured  by  two  noses  in  a  stablecloth  finish,  ek  and  nek, 
some  and  none,  evelo  nevelo,  from  the  cream  colt  Bold  Boy 
Cromwell  after  a  clever  getaway  by  Captain  Chaplain  Blount's 
roe  hinny  Saint  Dalough,  Drummer  Coxon,  nondepict  third,  at 
breakneck  odds,  thanks  to  you  great  little,  bonny  little,  portey 
little,  Winny  Widger!  you're  all  their  nappies!  who  in  his  never- 
rip  mud  and  purpular  cap  was  surely  leagues  unlike  any  other 
phantomweight  that  ever  toppitt  our  timber  maggies. 

'Twas  two  pisononse  Timcoves  (the  wetter  is  pest,  the  renns  are 
overt  and  come  and  the  voax  of  the  turfur  is  hurled  on  our  lande) 
of  the  name  of  Treacle  Tom  as  was  just  out  of  pop  following  the 
theft  of  a  leg  of  Kehoe,  Donnelly  and  Packenham's  Finnish  pork 
and  his  own  blood  and  milk  brother  Frisky  Shorty,  (he  was,  to  be 
exquisitely  punctilious  about  them,  both  shorty  and  frisky)  a  tip- 
ster, come  off  the  hulks,  both  of  them  awful  poor,  what  was  out 
on  the  bumaround  for  an  oofbird  game  for  a  jimmy  o'goblin  or 
a  small  thick  un  as  chanced,  while  the  Seaforths  was  making  the 
colleenbawl,  to  ear  the  passon  in  the  motor  clobber  make  use  of 
his  law  language  (Edzo,  Edzo  on),  touchin  the  case  of  Mr  Adams 
what  was  in  all  the  Sundays  about  it  which  he  was  rubbing  noses 
with  and  having  a  gurgle  off  his  own  along  of  the  butty  bloke  in 
the  specs. 

This  Treacle  Tom  to  whom  reference  has  been  made  had 
been  absent  from  his  usual  wild  and  woolly  haunts  in  the  land 
of  counties  capalleens  for  some  time  previous  to  that  (he  was,  in 
fact,  in  the  habit  of  frequenting  common  lodginghouses  where 
he  slept  in  a  nude  state,  hailfellow  with  meth,  in  strange  men's 
cots)  but  on  racenight,  blotto  after  divers  tots  of  hell  fire,  red 
biddy,  bull  dog,  blue  ruin  and  creeping  jenny,  Eglandine's  choic- 
est herbage,  supplied  by  the  Duck  and  Doggies,  the  Galop- 
ping  Primrose,  Brigid  Brewster's,  the  Cock,  the  Postboy's  Horn, 

39 


the  Little  Old  Man's  and  All  Swell  That  Aimswell,  the  Cup  and 
the  Stirrup,  he  sought  his  wellwarmed  leababobed  in  a  hous- 
ingroom  Abide  With  Oneanother  at  Block  W.W.,  (why  didn't 
he  back  it?)  Pump  Court,  The  Liberties,  and,  what  with 
moltapuke  on  voltapuke,  resnored  alcoh  alcoho  alcoherently  to 
the  burden  of  /  comey  my  horse  delayed,  nom  num,  the  sub- 
stance of  the  tale  of  the  evangelical  bussybozzy  and  the  rusinur- 
bean  (the  'girls'  he  would  keep  calling  them  for  the  collarette 
and  skirt,  the  sunbonnet  and  carnation)  in  parts  (it  seemed  he 
was  before  the  eyots  of  martas  or  otherwales  the  thirds  of  fossil- 
years,  he  having  beham  with  katya  when  lavinias  had  her  mens 
lease  to  sea  in  a  psumpship  doodly  show  whereat  he  was  looking 
for  fight  niggers  with  whilde  roarses)  oft  in  the  chilly  night  (the 
metagonistic !  the  epickthalamorous !)  during  uneasy  slumber  in 
their  hearings  of  a  small  and  stonybroke  cashdraper's  executive, 
Peter  Cloran  (discharged),  O'Mara,  an  exprivate  secretary  of  no 
fixed  abode  (locally  known  as  Mildew  Lisa),  who  had  passed 
several  nights,  funnish  enough,  in  a  doorway  under  the  blankets 
of  homelessness  on  the  bunk  of  iceland,  pillowed  upon  the  stone 
of  destiny  colder  than  man's  knee  or  woman's  breast,  and 
Hosty,  (no  slouch  of  a  name),  an  illstarred  beachbusker,  who, 
sans  rootie  and  sans  scrapie,  suspicioning  as  how  he  was  setting 
on  a  twoodstool  on  the  verge  of  selfabyss,  most  starved,  with 
melancholia  over  everything  in  general,  (night  birman,  you  served 
him  with  natigal's  nano !)  had  been  towhead  tossing  on  his  shake- 
down, devising  ways  and  manners  of  means,  of  what  he  loved 
to  ifidalicence  somehow  or  other  in  the  nation  getting  a  hold  of 
some  chap's  parabellum  in  the  hope  of  taking  a  wing  sociable 
and  lighting  upon  a  sidewheel  dive  somewhere  off  die  Dullkey 
Downlairy  and  Bleakrooky  tramaline  where  he  could  throw  true 
and  go  and  blow  the  sibicidal  napper  off  himself  for  two  bits  to 
boldywell  baltitude  in  the  peace  and  quitybus  of  a  one  sure  shot 
bottle,  he  after  having  being  trying  all  he  knew  with  the  lady's 
help  of  Madam  Gristle  for  upwards  of  eighteen  calanders  to  get 
out  of  Sir  Patrick  Dun's,  through  Sir  Humphrey  Jervis's  and 
into  the  Saint  Kevin's  bed  in  the  Adelaide's  hosspittles  (from 

40 


these  incurable  welleslays  among  those  uncarable  wellasdays 
through  Sant  lago  by  his  cocklehat,  good  Lazar,  deliver  us!) 
without  after  having  been  able  to  jerry  wangle  it  any  sides.  Lisa 
O'Deavis  and  Roche  Mongan  (who  had  so  much  incommon, 
epipsychidically;  if  the  phrase  be  permitted  hosds  et  odor  insuper 
petroperfr actus)  as  an  understood  thing  slept  their  sleep  of  the 
swimborne  in  the  one  sweet  undulant  mother  of  tumblerbunks 
with  Hosty  just  how  the  shavers  in  the  shaw  the  yokels  in  the 
yoats  or,  well,  the  wasters  in  the  wilde,  and  the  bustling  tweeny- 
dawn-of-all-works  (meed  of  anthems  here  we  pant!)  had  not  been 
many  jiffies  furbishing  potlids,  doorbrasses,  scholars'  applecheeks 
and  linkboy's  metals  when,  ashhopperminded  like  no  fella  he  go 
make  bakenbeggfuss  longa  white  man,  the  rejuvenated  busker  (for 
after  a  goodnight's  rave  and  rumble  and  a  shinkhams  topmorning 
with  his  coexes  he  was  not  the  same  man)  and  his  broadawake 
bedroom  suite  (our  boys,  as  our  Byron  called  them)  were  up 
and  ashuffle  from  the  hogshome  they  lovenaned  The  Barrel,  cross 
Ebblinn's  chilled  hamlet  (thrie  routes  and  restings  on  their  then 
superficies  curiously  correspondant  with  those  linea  and  puncta 
where  our  tubenny  habenny  metro  maniplumbs  below  the  ober- 
flake  underrails  and  stations  at  this  time  of  riding)  to  the  thrum- 
mings  of  a  crewth  fiddle  which,  cremoaning  and  cronauning,  levey 
grevey,  witty  and  wevey,  appy,  leppy  and  playable,  caressed  the 
ears  of  the  subjects  of  King  Saint  Finnerty  the  Festive  who,  in 
brick  homes  of  their  own  and  in  their  flavory  fraiseberry  beds, 
heeding  hardly  cry  of  honeyman,  soed  lavender  or  foyneboyne 
salmon  alive,  with  their  priggish  mouths  all  open  for  the  larger 
appraisiation  of  this  longawaited  Messiagh  of  roaratorios,  were 
only  halfpast  atsweeeep  and  after  a  brisk  pause  at  a  pawnbroking 
establishment  for  the  prothetic  purpose  of  redeeming  the  song- 
ster's truly  admirable  false  teeth  and  a  prolonged  visit  to  a  house 
of  call  at  Cujas  Place,  fizz,  the  Old  Sots'  Hole  in  the  parish  of 
Saint  Cecily  within  the  liberty  of  Ceolmore  not  a  thousand  or  one 
national  leagues,  that  was,  by  Griffith's  valuation,  from  the  site 
of  the  statue  of  Primewer  Glasstone  setting  a  match  to  the  march 
of  a  maker  (last  of  the  stewards  peut-etre),  where,  the  tale  rambles 

41 


along,  the  trio  of  whackfolthediddlers  was  joined  by  a  further — 
intentions — apply — tomorrow  casual  and  a  decent  sort  of  the 
hadbeen  variety  who  had  just  been  touching  the  weekly  insult, 
phewit,  and  all  figblabbers  (who  saith  of  noun?)  had  stimulants 
in  the  shape  of  gee  and  gees  stood  by  the  damn  decent  sort  aft^r 
which  stag  luncheon  and  a  few  ones  more  just  to  celebrate  yester- 
day, flushed  with  their  firestuffostered  friendship,  the  rascals  came 
out  of  the  licensed  premises,  (Browne's  first,  the  small  p.s.  ex-ex- 
executive  capahand  in  their  sad  rear  like  a  lady's  postscript:  I  want 
money.  Pleasend),  wiping  their  laughleaking  lipes  on  their  sleeves, 
how  the  bouckaleens  shout  their  roscan  generally  (seinn  fion, 
seinn  fion's  araun.)  and  the  rhymers'  world  was  with  reason  the 
richer  for  a  wouldbe  ballad,  to  the  balledder  of  which  the  world 
of  cumannity  singing  owes  a  tribute  for  having  placed  on  the 
planet's  melomap  his  lay  of  the  vilest  bogeyer  but  most  attrac- 
tionable  avatar  the  world  has  ever  had  to  explain  for. 

This,  more  krectly  lubeen  or  fellow  —  me  —  lieder  was  first 
poured  forth  where  Riau  Liviau  riots  and  col  de  Houdo  humps, 
under  the  shadow  of  the  monument  of  the  shouldhavebeen  legis- 
lator (Eleutheriodendron !  Spare,  woodmann,  spare !)  to  an  over- 
flow meeting  of  all  the  nations  in  Lenster  fullyfilling  the  visional 
area  and,  as  a  singleminded  supercrowd,  easily  representative, 
what  with  masks,  whet  with  faces,  of  all  sections  and  cross  sections 
(wineshop  and  cocoahouse  poured  out  to  brim  up  the  broaching) 
of  our  lifieyside  people  (to  omit  to  mention  of  the  mainland  mino- 
rity and  such  as  had  wayfared  via  Watling,  Ernin,  Icknild  and 
Stane,  in  chief  a  halted  cockney  car  with  its  quotal  of  Hardmuth's 
hacks,  a  northern  tory,  a  southern  whig,  an  eastanglian  chroni- 
cler and  a  landwester  guardian)  ranging  from  slips  of  young 
dublinos  from  Cutpurse  Row  having  nothing  better  to  do  than 
walk  about  with  their  hands  in  their  kneepants,  sucking  air- 
whackers,  weedulicet,  jumbobricks,  side  by  side  with  truant 
officers,  three  woollen  balls  and  poplin  in  search  of  a  croust  of 
pawn  to  busy  professional  gentlemen,  a  brace  of  palesmen  with 
dundrearies,  nooning  toward  Daly's,  fresh  from  snipehitting  and 
mallardmissing  on  Rutland  heath,  exchanging  cold  sneers,  mass- 

4^ 


going  ladies  from  Hume  Street  in  their  chairs,  the  bearers  baited, 
some  wandering  hamalags  out  of  the  adjacent  cloverfields  of 
Mosse's  Gardens,  an  oblate  father  from  Skinner's  Alley,  brick- 
layers, a  fleming,  in  tabinet  fumant,  with  spouse  and  dog,  an  aged 
hammersmith  who  had  some  chisellers  by  the  hand,  a  bout  of 
cudgel  players,  not  a  few  sheep  with  the  braxy,  two  bluecoat 
scholars,  four  broke  gents  out  of  Simpson's  on  the  Rocks,  a 
portly  and  a  pert  still  tassing  Turkey  Coffee  and  orange  shrub  in 
tickeyes  door,  Peter  Pim  and  Paul  Fry  and  then  Elliot  and,  O, 
Atkinson,  suffering  hell's  delights  from  the  blains  of  their  annui- 
tants' acorns  not  forgetting  a  deuce  of  dianas  ridy  fbr  the  hunt,  a 
particularist  prebendary  pondering  on  the  roman  easter,  the  ton- 
sure question  and  greek  uniates,  plunk  em,  a  lace  lappet  head  or 
two  or  three  or  four  from  a  window,  and  so  on  down  to  a  few  good 
old  souls,  who,  as  they  were  juiced  after  taking  their  pledge  over  at 
the  uncle's  place,  were  evidently  under  the  spell  of  liquor,  from  the 
wake  of  Tarry  the  Tailor  a  fair  girl,  a  jolly  postoboy  thinking  off 
three  flagons  and  one,  a  plumodrole,  a  half  sir  from  the  weaver's 
almshouse  who  clings  and  clings  and  chatchatchat  clings  to  her,  a 
wholedam's  cloudhued  pittycoat,  as  child,  as  curiolater,  as  Caoch 
O'Leary.  The  wararrow  went  round,  so  it  did,  (a  nation  wants 
a  gaze)  and  the  ballad,  in  the  felibrine  trancoped  metre  affectioned 
by  Taiocebo  in  his  Casudas  de  Poulichinello  Artahut^  stump- 
stampaded  on  to  a  slip  of  blancovide  and  headed  by  an  excessively 
rough  and  red  woodcut,  privately  printed  at  the  rimepress  of 
Delville,  soon  fluttered  its  secret  on  white  highway  and  brown 
byway  to  the  rose  of  the  winds  and  the  blew  of  the  gaels,  from 
archway  to  lattice  and  from  black  hand  to  pink  ear,  village  crying 
to  village,  through  the  five  pussyfours  green  of  the  united  states 
of  Scotia  Picta — and  he  who  denays  it,  may  his  hairs  be  rubbed 
in  dirt!  To  the  added  strains  (so  peacifold)  of  his  majesty  the 
flute,  that onecrooned  king  of  inscrewments,  Piggott's  purest,  ciello 
alsoliuto^  which  Mr  Delaney  (Mr  Delacey?),  horn,  anticipating 
a  perfect  downpour  of  plaudits  among  the  rapsods,  piped 
out  of  his  decentsoort  hat,  looking  still  more  like  his  purseyful 
namesake  as  men  of  Gaul  noted,  but  before  of  to  sputabout,  the 

43 


snowycrested  curl  amoist  the  leader's  wild  and  moulting  hair, 
'Ductor'  Hitchcock  hoisted  his  fezzy  fuzz  at  bludgeon's  height 
signum  to  his  companions  of  the  chalice  for  the  Loud  Fellow, 
boys'  and  silentium  in  curia/  (our  maypole  once  more  where  he  rose 
of  old)  and  the  canto  was  chantied  there  chorussed  and  christened 
where  by  the  old  tollgate.  Saint  Annona's  Street  and  Church. 

And  around  the  lawn  the  rann  it  rann  and  this  is  the  rann  that 
Hosty  made.  Spoken.  Boyles  and  Cahills,  Skerretts  and  Pritchards, 
viersified  and  piersified  may  the  treeth  we  tale  of  live  in  stoney. 
Here  line  the  refrains  of.  Some  vote  him  Vike,  some  mote  him 
Mike,  some  dub  him  Llyn  and  Phin  while  others  hail  him  Lug 
Bug  Dan  Lop,  Lex,  Lax,  Gunne  or  Guinn.  Some  apt  him  Arth, 
some  bapt  him  Earth,  Coll,  Noll,  Soil,  Will,  Weel,  Wall  but  I 
parse  him  Persse  O'Reilly  else  he's  called  no  name  at  all.  To- 
gether. Arrah,  leave  it  to  Hosty,  frosty  Hosty,  leave  it  to  Hosty 
for  he's  the  mann  to  rhyme  the  rann,  the  rann,  the  rann,  the  king 
of  all  ranns.  Have  you  here.'^  (Some  ha)  Have  we  where.'*  (Some 
hant)  Have  you  hered.^  (Others  do)  Have  we  whered.'*  (Others  dont) 
'7 'It's  cumming,  it's  brumming!  The  clip,  the  clop!  (All  cla)  Glass 
crash.  The  (klikkaklakkaklaskaklopatzklatschabattacreppycrotty- 
graddaghsemmihsammihnouithappluddyappladdypkonpkot!). 

[Ardite^  arditi! 

iMusic 


cue. 


"  The  Ballad  of  Persse  O'Reilly." 


Have  ijoa  heard,  of  one  Hiunp  -  ty  Dump-tij         how  he 


fell  with  a  roll  and  a    ram  ble     and  curled   uj>  like  Lord  O-la-Jxt 


Ma^ '  a  -  zine  Wall         Hump,  hel-tnet    and     all  DaCLjn 


Crum  ple  btj  the      butt   of  the  Maj-a-zine     Wall  of  the 


44 


Have  you  heard  of  one  Humpty  Dumpty 
How  he  fell  with  a  roll  and  a  rumble 
And  curled  up  like  Lord  Olofa  Crumple 
By  the  butt  of  the  Magazine  Wall, 
(Chorus)  Of  the  Magazine  Wall, 
Hump,  helmet  and  all? 

He  was  one  time  our  King  of  the  Castle  \  ^ 

Now  he's  kicked  about  like  a  rotten  old  parsnip. 
And  from  Green  street  he'll  be  sent  by  order  of  His  Worship 
To  the  penal  jail  of  Mountjoy 

(Chorus)  To  the  jail  of  Mount] oy!  ^  ,>^ 

Jail  him  and  joy. 

He  was  fafafather  of  all  schemes  for  to  bother  us  ^ 
Slow  coaches  and  immaculate  contraceptives  for  the  populace, 
Mare's  milk  for  the  sick,  seven  dry  Sundays  a  week, 
Openair  love  and  religion's  reform, 
(Chorus)  And  religious  reform, 
Hideous  in  form. 


Arrah,  why,  says  you,  couldn't  he  manage  it.'^ 
I'll  go  bail,  my  fine  dairyman  darling. 
Like  the  bumping  bull  of  the  Cassidys 
All  your  butter  is  in  your  horns. 

(Chorus)  His  butter  is  in  his  horns. 
Butter  his  horns ! 

(Repeat)  Hurrah  there,  Hosty,  frosty  Hosty,  change  that  shirt 

[on  ye. 

Rhyme  the  rann,  the  king  of  all  ranns! 

Balbaccio^  halbuccio! 
We  had  chaw  chaw  chops,  chairs,  chewing  gum,  the  chicken- 

[pox  and  china  chambers 
Universally  provided  by  this  soffsoaping  salesman. 

45 


Small  wonder  He'll  Cheat  E'erawan  our  local  lads  nicknamed  him 
When  Chimpden  first  took  the  floor 

(Chorus)  "With  his  bucketshop  store 
Down  Bargain weg,  Lower. 

So  snug  he  was  in  his  hotel  premises  sumptuous 
But  soon  we'll  bonfire  all  his  trash,  tricks  and  trumpery 
And'tis  short  till  sheriff  Clancy'll  be  winding  up  his  unlimited 

[company 

With  the  bailiff's  bom  at  the  door, 
(Chorus)  Bimbam  at  the  door. 

Then  he'll  bum  no  more. 
Sweet  bad  luck  on  the  waves  washed  to  our  island 
The  hooker  of  that  hammerfast  viking  pO^  - 

And  Gall's  curse  on  the  day  when  Eblana  bay  f 
Saw  his  black  and  tan  man-o'-war. 
(Chorus)  Saw  his  man-o'-war. 

On  the  harbour  bar. 

Where  from?  roars  Poolbeg.  Cookingha'pence,  he  bawls  Donnez- 

[moi  scampitle,  wick  an  wipin'fampiny 
Fingal  Mac  Oscar  Onesine  Bargearse  Boniface 
Thok's  min  gammelhole  Norveegickers  moniker 
Og  as  ay  are  at  gammelhore  Norveegickers  cod. 
(Chorus)  A  Norwegian  camel  old  cod. 
He  is,  begod. 

Lift  it,  Hosty,  lift  it,  ye  devil  ye!  up  with  the  rann,  the  rhyming 

[rann ! 

It  was  during  some  fresh  water  garden  pumping 

Or,  according  to  the  Nursing  Mirror,  while  admiring  the  mon- 

[keys 

That  our  heavyweight  heathen  Humpharey 
Made  bold  a  maid  to  woo 

(Chorus)  Woohoo,  what'll  she  doo! 

The  general  lost  her  maidenloo! 
46 


1% 


J.  i^-^ 


He  ought  to  blush  for  himself,  the  old  hayheaded  philosopher, 
For  to  go  and  shove  himself  that  way  on  top  of  her. 
Begob,  he's  the  crux  of  the  catalogue  \  /) 
Of  our  antediluvial  zoo, 

(Chorus)  Messrs.  Billing  and  Coo. 

Noah's  larks,  good  as  noo. 

He  was  joulting  by  Wellinton's  monument  j 
Our  rotorious  hippopopotamuns 

When  some  bugger  let  down  the  backtrap  of  the  omnibus 
And  he  caught  his  death  of  fusiliers,  — - — ~  ^  knij^y  ^k^^tir^  e/^ 
(Chorus)  With  his  rent  in  his  rears. 
Give  him  six  years. 

'Tis  sore  pity  for  his  innocent  poor  children 
But  look  out  for  his  missus  legitimate! 
When  that  frew  gets  a  grip  of  old  Earwicker 
Won't  there  be  earwigs  on  the  green.'^ 
(Chorus)  Big  earwigs  on  the  green. 

The  largest  ever  you  seen.  -t^<^ 

Suffoclose!  Shikespower!  Seudodanto!  Anonymoses! 

Then  we'll  have  a  free  trade  Gaels'  band  and  mass  meeting  ^  ^^^^ 

For  to  sod  the  brave  son  of  Scandiknavery.  ^ 
And  we'll  bury  him  down  in  Oxmanstown 
Along  with  the  devil  and  Danes,  viv^^v^ 
(Chorus)  With  the  deaf  and  dumb  Danes, 
And  all  their  remains. 

And  not  all  the  king's  men  nor  his  horses 
Will  resurrect  his  corpus 

For  there's  no  true  spell  in  Connacht  or  hell  ^^^^v  v^-^^^'^  '^^ 


(bis)  That's  able  to  raise  a  Cain.  — - — '         _  > 


47 


Chest  Cee!  'Sdense!  Corpo  di  barragio!  you  spoof  of  visibility 
in  a  freakfog,  of  mixed  sex  cases  among  goats,  hill  cat  and  plain 
mousey,  Bigamy  Bob  and  his  old  Shanvocht!  The  Blackfriars 
treacle  plaster  outrage  be  liddled !  Therewith  was  released  in  that 
kingsrick  of  Humidia  a  poisoning  volume  of  cloud  barrage  indeed. 
Yet  all  they  who  heard  or  redelivered  are  now  with  that  family 
of  bards  and  Vergobretas  himself  and  the  crowd  of  Caraculacticors 
as  much  no  more  a^  be  they  not  yet  now  or  had  they  then  not- 
ever  been.  Canbe  in  some  future  we  shall  presently  here  amid 
those  zouave  players  of  Inkermann  the  rnime  mumming  the  mick 
and  his  nick  miming  their  maggies,  Hilton  St  Just  (Mr  Frank 
Smith),  Ivanne  Ste  Austelle  (Mr  J.  F.  Jones),  Coleman  of  Lucan 
taking  four  parts,  a  choir  of  the  O'Daley  O'Doyles  doublesixing 
the  chorus  in  Fenn  Mac  Call  and  the  Serven  Feeries  of  Loch  Neach^ 
Galloper  Troppler  and  Hurleyquinn  the  zitherer  of  the  past  with  his 
merrymen  all,  zimzim,  zimzim.  Of  the  persins  sin  this  Eyrawyg- 
gla  saga  (which,  thorough  readable  to  int  from  and,  is  from  tubb 
to  buttom  all  falsetissues,  antilibellous  and  nonactionable  and  this 
applies  to  its  whole  wholume)  of  poor  Osti-Fosti,  described  as 
quite  a  musical  genius  in  a  small  way  and  the  owner  of  an 
exceedingly  niced  ear,  with  tenorist  voice  to  match,  not  alone, 
but  a  very  major  poet  of  the  poorly  meritary  order  (he  began 
Tuonisonian  but  worked  his  passage  up  as  far  as  the  we-all- 
hang-together  Animandovites)  no  one  end  is  known.  If  they 

48 


whistled  him  before  he  had  curtains  up  they  are  whistling  him 
still  after  his  curtain's  doom's  doom.  Eifii.  His  husband,  poor  old 
A'Hara  (Okaroff?)  crestfallen  by  things  and  down  at  heels  at  the 
time,  they  squeak,  accepted  the  (Zassnoch!)  ardree's  shilling  at 
the  conclusion  of  the  Crimean  war  and,  having  flown  his  wild 
geese,  alohned  in  crowds  to  warnder  on  like  Shuley  Luney, 
enlisted  in  Tyrone's  horse,  the  Irish  whites,  and  soldiered  a  bit 
with  Wolsey  under  the  assumed  name  of  Blanco  Fusilovna  Buck- 
lovitch  (spurious)  after  which  the  cawer  and  the  marble  halls 
of  Pump  Court  Columbarium,  the  home  of  the  old  seakings, 
looked  upon  each  other  and  queth  their  haven  evermore  for  it 
transpires  that  on  the  other  side  of  the  water  it  came  about  that  on 
the  field  of  Vasileff's  Cornix  inauspiciously  with  his  unit  he 
perished,  saying,  this  papal  leafless  to  old  chap  give,  rawl  chaw- 
clates  for  mouther-in-louth.  Booil.  Poor  old  dear  Paul  Horan, 
to  satisfy  his  literary  as  well  as  his  criminal  aspirations,  at  the 
suggestion  thrown  out  by  the  doomster  in  loquacity  lunacy,  so 
says  the  Dublin  Intelligence,  was  thrown  into  a  Ridley's  for 
inmates  in  the  northern  counties.  Under  the  name  of  Orani  he 
may  have  been  the  utility  man  of  the  troupe  capable  of  sustain- 
ing long  parts  at  short  notice.  He  was.  Sordid  Sam,  a  dour  decent 
deblancer,  the  unwashed,  haunted  always  by  his  ham,  the  unwished, 
at  a  word  from  Israfel  the  Summoner,  passed  away  painlessly 
after  life's  upsomdowns  one  hallowe'en  night,  ebbrous  and  in 
the  state  of  nature,  propelled  from  Behind  into  the  great  Beyond 
by  footblows  coulinclouted  upon  his  oyster  and  atlas  on  behanged 
and  behooved  and  behicked  and  behulked  of  his  last  fishandblood 
bedscrappers,  a  Northwegian  and  his  mate  of  the  Sheawolving 
class.  Though  the  last  straw  glimt  his  baring  this  stage  thunkhard 
is  said  (the  pitfallen  gagged  him  as  'Promptboxer')  to  have 
solemnly  said  —  as  had  the  brief  thot  but  fell  in  till  his  head  like 
a  bass  dropt  neck  fust  in  till  a  bung  crate  (cogged!):  Me  drames, 
O'Loughlins,  has  come  through!  Now  let  the  centuple  celves  of 
my  egourge  as  Micholas  de  Cusack  calls  them,  —  of  all  of  whose 
I  in  my  hereinafter  of  course  by  recourse  demission  me  —  by 
the  coincidance  of  their  contraries  reamalgamerge  in  that  indentity 

49 


of  undiscernibles  where  the  Baxters  and  the  Fleshmans  may 
they  cease  to  bidivil  uns  and  (but  at  this  poingt  though  the  iron 
thrust  of  his  cockspurt  start  might  have  prepared  us  we  are  well- 
nigh  stinkpotthered  by  the  mustardpunge  in  the  tailend)  this 
outandin  brown  candlestock  melt  Nolan's  into  peese!  Han  var. 
Disliken  as  he  was  to  druriodrama,  her  wife  Langley,  the  prophet, 
and  the  decentest  dozendest  short  of  a  frusker  whoever  stuck  his 
spickle  through  his  spoke,  disappeared,  (in  which  toodooing  he 
has  taken  all  the  French  leaves  unveilable  out  of  Calomne- 
quiller's  Pravities)  from  the  sourface  of  this  earth,  that  austral 
plain  he  had  transmaried  himself  to,  so  entirely  spoorlessly  (the 
mother  of  the  book  with  a  dustwhisk  tabularasing  his  obliteration 
done  upon  her  involucrum)  as  to  tickle  the  speculative  to  all  but 
opine  (since  the  Levey  who  might  have  been  Langley  may  have 
really  been  a  redivivus  of  paganinism  or  a  volunteer  Vousden) 
that  the  hobo  (who  possessed  a  large  amount  of  the  humoresque) 
had  transtuled  his  funster's  latitat  to  its  finsterest  interrimost.  Bhi 
she.  Again,  if  Father  San  Browne,  tea  and  toaster  to  that  quaint- 
esttest  of  yarnspinners  is  Padre  Don  Bruno,  treu  and  troster  to 
the  queen  of  lar-Spain,  was  the  reverend,  the  sodality  director, 
that  eupeptic  viceflayer,  a  barefaced  carmelite,  to  whose  palpi- 
tating pulpit  (which  of  us  but  remembers  the  rarevalent  and 
hornerable  Fratomistor  Nawlanmore  and  Brawne.)  sinning  society 
sirens  (see  the  [Roman  Catholic]  presspassim)  fortunately  became 
so  enthusiastically  attached  and  was  an  objectionable  ass  who  very 
occasionally  cockaded  a  raffles  ticket  on  his  hat  which  he  wore  all 
to  one  side  like  the  hangle  of  his  pan  (if  Her  Elegance  saw  him 
she'd  have  the  canary!)  and  was  semiprivately  convicted  of  mal- 
practices with  his  hotwashed  tableknife  (glossing  over  the  cark 
in  his  pocket)  that  same  snob  of  the  dunhill,  fully  several  year- 
schaums  riper,  encountered  by  the  General  on  that  redletter 
morning  or  maynoon  jovesday  and  were  they?  Fuitfuit. 

When  Phishlin  Phil  wants  throws  his  lip  'tis  pholly  to  be  fortune 
flonting  and  whoever's  gone  to  mix  Hotel  by  the  salt  say  water 
there's  nix  to  nothing  we  can  do  for  he's  never  again  to  sea.  It 
is  nebuless  an  autodidact  fact  of  the  commonest  that  the  shape  of 

50 


I 


tile  average  human  cloudyphiz,  whereas  sallow  has  long  daze 
faded,  frequently  altered  its  ego  with  the  possing  of  the  showers 
(Not  original!).  Whence  it  is  a  slopperish  matter,  given  the  wet 
and  low  visibility  (since  in  this  scherzarade  of  one's  thousand  one 
nightinesses  that  sword  of  certainty  which  would  indentifide  the 
body  never  falls)  to  idendifine  the  individuone  in  scratch  wig, 
squarecuts,  stock  lavaleer,  regattable  oxeter,  baggy  pants  and 
shufflers  (he  is  often  alluded  to  as  Slypatrick,  the  Had  in  the  llane) 
with  already  an  incipience  (lust!)  in  the  direction  of  area  baldness 
(one  is  continually  firstmeeting  with  odd  sorts  of  others  at  all 
sorts  of  ages!)  who  was  asked  by  free  boardschool  shirkers  in 
drenched  coats  overawall,  Will,  Conn  and  Otto,  to  tell  them 
overagait.  Vol,  Pov  and  Dev,  that  fishabed  ghoatstory  of  the 
haardly  creditable  edventyres  of  the  Haberdasher,  the  two  Cur- 
chies  and  the  three  Enkelchums  in  their  Bearskin  ghoats!  Girles 
and  jongers,  but  he  has  changed  alok  syne  Thorkill's  time!  Ya,  da, 
tra,  gathery,  pimp,  shesses,  shossafat,  okodeboko,  nine!  Those 
many  warts,  those  slummy  patches,  halfsinster  wrinkles,  (what 
has  come  over  the  face  on  wholebroader  E?),  and  (shrine  of 
Mount  Mu  save  us!)  the  large  fungopark  he  has  grown!  Drink! 

Sport's  a  common  thing.  It  was  the  Lord's  own  day  for  damp 
(to  wait  for  a  postponed  regatta's  eventualising  is  not  of  Battlecock 
Shettledore  -  Juxta  -  Mare  only)  and  the  request  for  a  fully 
armed  explanation  was  put  (in  Loo  of  Pat)  to  the  porty  (a  native 
of  the  sisterisle  —  Meathman  or  Meccan.'*  —  by  his  brogue,  ex- 
race  eyes,  lokil  calour  and  lucal  odour  which  are  said  to  have 
been  average  clownturkish  (though  the  capelist's  voiced  nasal 
liquids  and  the  way  he  sneezed  at  zees  haul  us  back  to  the  craogs 
and  bryns  of  the  Silurian  Ordovices)  who,  the  lesser  pilgrimage 
accomplished,  had  made,  pats'  and  pigs'  older  inselt,  the  south- 
east bluffs  of  the  stranger  stepshore,  a  regifugium  persecutorurriy 
hence  hindquarters)  as  he  paused  at  evenchime  for  some  or  so 
minutes  (hit  the  pipe,  dannyboy!  Time  to  won,  barmon.  I'll  take 
ten  to  win.)  amid  the  devil's  one  duldrum  (Apple  by  her  blossom 
window  and  Charlotte  at  her  toss  panomancy  his  sole  admirers, 
his  only  tearts  in  store)  for  a  fragrend  culubosh  during  his  week- 

51 


end  pastime  of  executing  with  Anny  Oakley  deadliness  (the  con- 
summatory  pairs  of  provocatives,  of  which  remained  provokingly 
but  two,  the  ones  he  fell  for,  Lili  and  Tutu,  cork  em!)  empties 
which  had  not  very  long  before  contained  Reid's  family  (you  ruad 
that  before,  soaky,  but  all  the  bottles  in  sodemd  histry  will  not 
soften  your  bloodathirst!)  stout.  Having  reprimed  his  repeater 
and  resiteroomed  his  timespiece  His  Revenances,  with  still  a  life 
or  two  to  spare  for  the  space  of  his  occupancy  of  a  world  at  a  time, 
rose  to  his  feet  and  there,  far  from  Tolkaheim,  in  a  quiet  English 
garden  (commonplace!),  since  known  as  Whiddington  Wild,  his 
simple  intensive  curolent  vocality,  my  dearbraithers,  my  most 
dearbrathairs,  as  he,  so  is  a  supper  as  is  a  sipper,  spake  of  the 
One  and  told  of  the  Compassionate,  called  up  before  the  triad  of 
precoxious  scaremakers  (scoretaking:  Spegulo  ne  helpas  al  mal- 
bellulo,  Mi  Kredas  ke  vi  estas  prava.  Via  dote  la  vizago  rispondas 
fraulino)  the  now  to  ushere  mythical  habiliments  of  Our  Farfar 
and  Arthor  of  our  doyne. 

Television  kills  telephony  in  brothers'  broil.  Our  eyes  de- 
mand their  turn.  Let  them  be  seen!  And  wolf  bone  balefires  blaze 
the  trailmost  if  only  that  Mary  Nothing  may  burst  her  bibby 
buckshee.  When  they  set  fire  then  she's  got  to  glow  so  we  may 
stand  some  chances  of  warming  to  what  every  soorkabatcha, 
tum  or  hum,  would  like  to  know.  The  first  Humphrey's  latitu- 
dinous  baver  with  puggaree  behind,  (calaboose  belong  bigboss 
belong  Kang  the  Toll)  his  fourinhand  bow,  his  elbaroom  surtout, 
the  refaced  unmansionables  of  gingerine  hue,  the  state  slate 
umbrella,  his  gruff  woolselywellesly  with  the  finndrinn  knopfs 
and  the  gauntlet  upon  the  hand  which  in  an  hour  not  for  him 
solely  evil  had  struck  down  the  might  he  mighthavebeen  d'Est- 
erre  of  whom  his  nation  seemed  almost  already  to  be  about  to 
have  need.  Then,  stealing  his  thunder,  but  in  the  befitting  le- 
gomena  of  the  smaller  country,  (probable  words,  possibly  said,  of 
field  family  gleaming)  a  bit  duskish  and  flavoured  with  a  smile, 
seein  as  ow  his  thoughts  consisted  chiefly  of  the  cheerio,  he  aptly 
sketched  for  our  soontobe  second  parents  (sukand  see  whybe!) 
the  touching  seene.  The  solence  of  that  stilling!  Here  one  might 

52 


a  fin  fell.  Boomster  rombombonant !  It  scenes  like  a  landescape 
from  Wildu  Picturescu  or  some  seem  on  some  dimb  Arras,  dumb 
as  Mum's  mutyness,  this  mimage  of  the  seventyseventh  kusin  of 
kristansen  is  odable  to  os  across  the  wineless  Ere  no  oedor  nor 
mere  eerie  nor  liss  potent  of  suggestion  than  in  the  tales  of  the 
tingmount.  (Prigged!) 

And  there  oftafter,  jauntyjogging,  on  an  Irish  visavis,  instea- 
dily  with  shoulder  to  shoulder  Jehu  will  tell  to  Christianier,  saint 
to  sage,  the  humphriad  of  that  fall  and  rise  while  daisy  winks  at 
her  pinker  sister  among  the  tussocks  and  the  copoll  between  the 
shafts  mocks  the  couple  on  the  car.  And  as  your  who  may  look 
like  how  on  the  owther  side  of  his  big  belttry  your  tyrs  and  does 
your  noes  and  paradigm  maymay  rererise  in  eren.  Follow  we  up 
his  whip  vindicative.  Thurston's!  Lo  behold!  La  arhoro^  lo 
petrusu.  The  augustan  peacebetothem  oaks,  the  monolith  rising 
stark  from  the  moonlit  pinebarren.  In  all  fortitudinous  ajaxious 
rowdinoisy  tenuacity.  The  angelus  hour  with  ditchers  bent  upon 
their  farm  usetensiles,  the  soft  belling  of  the  fallow  deers  {doereh- 
moose  genuanef)  advertising  their  milky  approach  as  midnight 
was  striking  the  hours  (letate!\  and  how  brightly  the  great  tri- 
bune outed  the  sharkskin  smokewallet  (imitation!)  from  his 
frock,  kippers,  and  by  Joshua,  he  tips  un  a  topping  swank 
cheroot,  none  of  your  swellish  soide,  quoit  the  reverse,  and  how 
manfally  he  says,  pluk  to  pluk  and  lekan  for  lukan,  he  was  to  just 
pluggy  well  suck  that  brown  boyo,  my  son,  and  spend  a  whole 
half  hour  in  Havana.  Sorer  of  the  kreeksmen,  would  not  thore  be 
old  high  gothsprogue !  Wherefore  he  met  Master,  he  mean  to  say, 
he  do,  sire,  bester  of  redpublicans,  at  Eagle  Cock  Hostel  on 
Lorenzo  Tooley  street  and  how  he  wished  his  Honour  the  ban- 
nocks of  Gort  and  Morya  and  Bri  Head  and  Puddyrick,  yore 
Loudship,  and  a  starchboxsitting  in  the  pit  of  his  St  Tomach's, 
—  a  strange  wish  for  you,  my  friend,  and  it  would  poleaxe  your 
sonson's  grandson  utterly  though  your  own  old  sweatandswear 
floruerunts  heaved  it  hoch  many  as  the  times,  when  they  were 
turrified  by  the  hitz. 

Chee  chee  cheers  for  Upkingbilly  and  crow  cru  cramwells 

53 


Downaboo!  Hup,  boys,  and  hat  him!  See!  Oilbeam  they're  lost 
we've  found  rerembrandtsers,  their  hours  to  date  link  these  heirs 
to  here  but  wowhere  are  those  yours  of  Yestersdays?  Farseeinge- 
therich  and  Poolaulwoman  Charachthercuss  and  his  Ann  van 
Vogt.  D.e.e.d!  Edned,  ended  or  sleeping  soundlessly?  Favour 
with  your  tongues!  Intenditef 

Any  dog's  life  you  list  you  may  still  hear  them  at  it,  like  sixes 
and  seventies  as  eversure  as  Halley's  comet,  ulemamen,  sobran- 
jewomen,  storthingboys  and  dumagirls,  as  they  pass  its  bleak  and 
bronze  portal  of  your  Casaconcordia:  Huru  more  Nee,  minny 
frickans?  Hwoorledes  har  Dee  det?  Losdoor  onleft  mladies,  cue. 
Millecientotrigintadue  scudi.  Tippoty,  kyrie,  tippoty.  Cha  kai 
rotty  kai  makkar,  sahib?  Despenseme  Usted,  senhor,  en  son  suc- 
co,  sabez.  O  thaw  bron  orm,  A'Cothraige,  thinkinthou  gaily? 
Lick-Pa-flai-hai-pa-Pa-li-si-lang-lang.  Epi  alo,  ecou.  Batiste,  tu- 
vavnr  dans  Lptit  boing  going.  Ismeme  de  bumbac  e  meias  de  por- 
tocallie.  0.0.  Os  pipos  mios  es  demasiada  gruarso  por  O  pic- 
colo pocchino.  Wee  fee?  Ung  duro.  Kocshis,  szabad?  Mercy,  and 
you?  Gomagh,  thak. 

And,  Cod,  says  he  with  mugger's  tears:  Would  you  care  to 
know  the  prise  of  a  Hard?  Maggis,  nick  your  nightynovel!  Mass 
Travener's  at  the  mike  again!  And  that  bag  belly  is  the  buck 
to  goat  it!  Meggeg,  m'gay  chapjappy  fellow,  I  call  our  univalse 
to  witness,  as  sicker  as  moyliffey  eggs  is  known  by  our  good 
househalters  from  yorehunderts  of  mamooth  to  be  which  they 
commercially  are  in  ahoy  high  British  quarters  (conventional!) 
my  guesthouse  and  cowhaendel  credits  will  immediately  stand 
ohoh  open  as  straight  as  that  neighbouring  monument's  fabrica- 
tion before  the  hygienic  gUll  (this  was  where  the  reverent  sab- 
both  and  bottlebreaker  with  firbalk  forthstretched  touched  upon 
his  tricoloured  boater,  which  he  uplifted  by  its  pickledhoopy  (he 
gave  Stetson  one  and  a  penny  for  it)  whileas  oleaginosity  of  an- 
cestralolosis  sgocciolated  down  the  both  pendencies  of  his  mut- 
sohito  liptails  (Sencapetulo,  a  more  modestuous  conciliabulite 
never  curled  a  torn  pocketmouth),  cordially  inwiting  the  adul- 
lescence  who  he  was  wising  up  to  do  in  like  manner  what  all  did 

54 


I 


so  as  he  was  able  to  add)  lobe  before  the  Great  Schoolmaster's. 
(I  tell  you  no  story.)  Smile! 

The  house  of  Atreox  is  fallen  indeedust  (Ilyam,  Ilyum!  Mae- 
romor  Mournomates !)  averging  on  blight  like  the  mundibanks  of 
Fennyana,  but  deeds  bounds  going  arise  again.  Life,  he  himself 
said  once,  (his  biografiend,  in  fact,  kills  him  verysoon,  if  yet  not, 
after)  is  a  wake,  livit  or  krikit,  and  on  the  bunk  of  our  bread- 
winning  lies  the  cropse  of  our  seedfather,  a  phrase  which  the 
establisher  of  the  world  by  law  might  pretinately  write  across 
the  chestfront  of  all  manorwombanborn.  The  scene,  refreshed, 
reroused,  was  never  to  be  forgotten,  the  hen  and  crusader  ever- 
intermutuomergent,  for  later  in  the  century  one  of  that  puisne 
band  of  factferreters,  (then  an  excivily  (out  of  the  custom  huts) 
(retired),  (hurt),  under  the  sixtyfives  act)  in  a  dressy  black  modern 
style  and  wewere  shiny  tan  burlingtons,  (tam,  homd  and  dicky, 
quopriquos  and  peajagd)  rehearsed  it,  pippa  pointing,  with  a 
dignified  (copied)  bow  to  a  namecousin  of  the  late  archdeacon 
F.  X.  Preserved  Coppinger  (a  hot  fellow  in  his  night,  may  the 
mouther  of  guard  have  mastic  on  him!)  in  a  pullwoman  of  our 
first  transhibernian  with  one  still  sadder  circumstance  which  is  a 
dirkandurk  heartskewerer  if  ever  to  bring  bouncing  brimmers 
from  marbled  eyes.  Cycloptically  through  the  windowdisks  and 
with  eddying  awes  the  round  eyes  of  the  rundreisers,  back  to  back, 
buck  to  bucker,  on  their  airish  chaunting  car,  beheld  with  in- 
touristing  anterestedness  the  clad  pursue  the  bare,  the  bare  the 
green,  the  green  the  frore,  the  frore  the  cladagain,  as  their  convoy 
wheeled  encirculingly  abound  the  gigantig's  lifetree,  our  fire- 
leaved  loverlucky  blomsterbohm,  phoenix  in  our  woodlessness, 
haughty,  cacuminal,  erubescent  (repetition!)  whose  roots  they  be 
asches  with  lustres  of  peins.  For  as  often  as  the  Archicadenus, 
pleacing  aside  his  Irish  Field  and  craving  their  auriculars  to  re- 
cepticle  particulars  before  they  got  the  bump  at  Castlebar  (mat 
and  far!)  spoke  of  it  by  request  all,  hearing  in  this  new  reading 
of  the  part  whereby,  because  of  Dyas  in  his  machina,  the  new 
garrickson's  grimacing  grimaldism  hypostasised  by  substintua- 
tion  the  axiomatic  orerotundity  of  that  once  grand  old  elrington 

55 


bawl,  the  copycus's  description  of  that  fellowcommuter's  plav 
upon  countenants,  could  simply  imagine  themselves  in  their  bo- 
som's inmost  core,  as  pro  tern  locums^  timesported  acorss  the  yawn- 
ing (abyss),  as  once  they  were  seasiders,  listening  to  the  cockshy- 
shooter's  evensong  evocation  of  the  doomed  but  always  ventri- 
loquent  Agitator,  (nonot  more  plangorpound  the  billows  o'er 
Thounawahallya  Reef!)  silkhouatted,  a  whallrhosmightiadd,  a- 
ginsst  the  dusk  of  skumring,  (would  that  fane  be  Saint  Muezzin's 
calling  —  holy  places !  —  and  this  fez  brimless  as  brow  of  faithful 
toucher  of  the  ground,  did  wish  it  were  —  blessed  be  the  bones ! 
—  the  ghazi,  power  of  his  sword.)  his  manslayer's  gunwielder 
protended  towards  that  overgrown  leadpencil  which  was  soon, 
monumentally  at  least,  to  rise  as  Molyvdokondylon  to,  to  be,  to 
be  his  mausoleum  (O'dan  stod  tillsteyne  at  meisies  aye  skould 
show  pon)  while  olover  his  exculpatory  features,  as  Roland  rung, 
a  wee  dropeen  of  grief  about  to  sillonise  his  jouejous,  the  ghost 
of  resignation  diffused  a  spectral  appealingness,  as  a  young  man's 
drown  o'er  the  fate  of  his  waters  may  gloat,  similar  in  origin  and 
akkurat  in  effective  to  a  beam  of  sunshine  upon  a  coffin  plate. 

Not  olderwise  Inn  the  days  of  the  Bygning  would  our  Travel- 
ler remote,  unfriended,  from  van  Demon's  Land,  some  lazy 
skald  or  maundering  pote,  lift  wearywilly  his  slowcut  snobsic 
eyes  to  the  semisigns  of  his  zooteac  and  lengthily  lingering  along 
flaskneck,  cracket  cup,  downtrodden  brogue,  turfsod,  wild- 
broom,  cabbageblad,  stockfisch,  longingly  learn  that  there  at  the 
Angel  were  herberged  for  him  poteen  and  tea  and  praties  and 
baccy  and  wine  width  woman  wordth  warbling:  and  informally 
quasi-begin  to  presquesm'ile  to  queasithin'  (Nonsense!  There 
was  not  very  much  windy  Nous  blowing  at  the  given  moment 
through  the  hat  of  Mr  Melancholy  Slow!) 

But  in  the  pragma  what  formal  cause  made  a  smile  of  that  to- 
think.'^  Who  was  he  to  whom.'*  (O'Breen's  not  his  name  nor  the 
brown  one  his  maid.)  Whose  are  the  placewheres.'*  Kiwasti,  kis- 
ker,  kither,  kitnabudja.^  Tal  the  tem  of  the  tumulum.  Giv  the  gav 
of  the  grube.  Be  it  cudgelplayers'  country,  orfishfellows'  town  or 
leeklickers'  land  or  panbpanungopovengreskey.  What  regnans 

56 


I 


I 


raised  the  rains  have  levelled  but  we  hear  the  pointers  and  can 
gauge  their  compass  for  the  melos  yields  the  mode  and  the  mode 
the  manners  plicyman,  plansiman,  plousiman,  plab.  Tsin  tsin  tsin 
tsin!  The  forefarther  folkers  for  a  prize  of  two  peaches  with 
Ming,  Ching  and  Shunny  on  the  lie  low  lea.  We'll  sit  down  on 
the  hope  of  the  ghouly  ghost  for  the  titheman  troubleth  but  his 
hantitat  hies  not  here.  They  answer  from  their  Zoans;  Hear  the 
four  of  them!  Hark  torroar  of  them!  I,  says  Armagh,  and  a'm 
proud  o'it.  I,  says  Clonakilty,  God  help  us !  I,  says  Deansgrange, 
and  say  nothing.  I,  says  Barna,  and  whatabout  it?  Hee  haw!  Be- 
fore he  fell  hill  he  filled  heaven:  a  stream,  alplapping  streamlet, 
coyly  coiled  um,  cool  of  her  curls:  We  were  but  thermites  then, 
wee,  wee.  Our  antheap  we  sensed  as  a  Hill  of  Allen,  the  Barrow 
for  an  People,  one  Jotnursfjaell:  and  it  was  a  grummelung  amung 
the  porktroop  that  wonderstruck  us  as  a  thunder,  yunder. 

Thus  the  unfacts,  did  we  possess  them,  are  too  imprecisely 
few  to  warrant  our  certitude,  the  evidencegivers  by  legpoll  too 
untrustworthily  irreperible  where  his  adjugers  are  semmingly 
freak  threes  but  his  judicandees  plainly  minus  twos.  Neverthe- 
less Madam's  Toshowus  waxes  largely  more  lifeliked  (entrance, 
one  kudos;  exits,  free)  and  our  notional  gullery  is  now  com- 
pletely complacent,  an  exegious  monument,  aerily  perennious. 
Oblige  with  your  blackthorns;  gamps,  degrace!  And  there  many 
have  paused  before  that  exposure  of  him  by  old  Tom  Quad,  a 
flashback  in  which  he  sits  sated,  gowndabout,  in  clericalease  ha- 
bit, watching  bland  sol  slithe  dodgsomely  into  the  nethermore, 
a  globule  of  maugdleness  about  to  corrugitate  his  mild  dewed 
cheek  and  the  tata  of  a  tiny  victorienne,  Alys,  pressed  by  his 
limper  looser. 

Yet  certes  one  is.  Eher  the  following  winter  had  overed  the 
pages  of  nature's  book  and  till  Ceadurbar-atta-Cleath  became 
Dablena  Tertia,  the  shadow  of  the  huge  outlander,  maladik,  mult- 
vult,  magnoperous,  had  bulked  at  the  bar  of  a  rota  of  tribunals  in 
manor  hall  as  in  thieves'  kitchen,  mid  pillow  talk  and  chithouse 
chat,  on  Marlborough  Green  as  through  Molesworth  Fields,  here 
sentenced  pro  tried  with  Jedburgh  justice,  there  acquitted  con- 

57 


testimony  with  benefit  of  clergy.  His  Thing  Mod  have  undone 
him:  and  his  madthing  has  done  him  man.  His  beneficiaries  are 
legion  in  the  part  he  created:  they  number  up  his  years.  Greatwheel 
Dunlop  was  the  name  was  on  him:  behung,  all  we  are  his  bisaacles. 
As  hollyday  in  his  house  so  was  he  priest  and  king  to  that:  ulvy 
came,  envy  saw,  ivy  conquered.  Lou!  Lou!  They  have  waved  his 
green  boughs  o'er  him  as  they  have  torn  him  limb  from  lamb. 
For  his  muertificarion  and  uxpiration  and  dumnation  and  annu- 
hulation.  With  schreis  and  grida,  deprofound  souspirs.  Steady, 
sullivans!  Mannequins  pause!  Longtong*s  breach  is  fallen  down 
but  Graunya's  spreed's  abroad.  Ahdostay,  feedailyones,  and  feel 
the  Flucher*s  bawls  for  the  total  of  your  flouts  is  not  fit  to  fan  his 
fettle,  O!  Have  a  ring  and  sing  wohl!  Chin,  chin!  Chin,  chin! 
And  of  course  all  chimed  din  width  the  eatmost  boviality.  Swip- 
ing rums  and  beaunes  and  sherries  and  ciders  and  negus  and  cit- 
ronnades  too.  The  strongers.  Oho,  oho,  Mester  Begge,  you're 
about  to  be  bagged  in  the  bog  again.  Bugge.  But  softsies  seuf- 
sighed:  Eheu,  for  gassies!  But,  lo!  lo!  by  the  threnning  gods, 
human,  erring  and  condonable,  what  the  statues  of  our  kuo,  who 
is  the  messchef  be  our  kuang,  ashu  ashure  there,  the  unforgettable 
treeshade  looms  up  behind  the  jostling  judgements  of  those,  as 
all  should  owe,  malrecapturable  days. 

Tap  and  pat  and  tapatagain,  (fire  firstshot,  Missiers  the  Refusel- 
eers!  Peingpeong!  For  saxonlootie !)  three  tommix,  soldiers  free, 
cockaleak  and  cappapee,  of  the  Coldstream.  Guards  were  walking, 
in  {pardonnei-leur^  je  vous  en  prie^  eh?)  Montgomery  Street.  One 
voiced  an  opinion  in  which  on  either  wide  {pardonnei/\  nod- 
ding, all  the  Finner  Camps  concurred  {je  vous  en  prie^  ehF),  It 
was  the  first  woman,  they  said,  souped  him,  that  fatal  wellesday, 
Lili  Coninghams,  by  suggesting  him  they  go  in  a  field.  Wroth 
mod  eldfar,  ruth  redd  stilstand,  wrath  wrackt  wroth,  confessed 
private  Pat  Marchison  retro,  (Terse!)  Thus  contenters  with  san- 
toys  play.  One  of  our  coming  Vauxhall  ontheboards  who  is 
resting  for  the  moment  (she  has  been  callit  by  a  noted  stagey  ele- 
cutioner  a  wastepacket  Sittons)  was  interfeud  in  a  waistend  pewty 
parlour.  Looking  perhaps  even  more  pewtyflushed  in  her  cherry- 

58 


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deny  padouasoys,  girdle  and  braces  by  the  Halfmoon  and  Seven 
Stars,  russets  from  the  Blackamoor's  Head,  amongst  the  climbing 
boys  at  his  Eagle  and  Child  and  over  the  corn  and  hay  emptors 
at  their  Black  and  All  Black,  Mrs  F  . .  .  A . .  .  saidaside,  half  in 
stage  of  whisper  to  her  confidante  glass,  while  recoopering  her 
cartwheel  chapot  (ahat!  — and  we  now  know  what  thimbles  a 
baquets  on  lallance  a  tails  mean),  she  hoped  Sid  Arthar  would 
git  a  Chrissman's  portrout  of  orange  and  lemonsized  orchids  with 
hollegs  and  ether,  from  the  feeatre  of  the  Innocident,  as  the 
worryld  had  been  uncained.  Then,  while  it  is  odrous  comparison- 
ing  to  the  sprangflpwers  of  his  burstday  which  was  a  virid- 
able  goddinpotty  for  the  reinworms  and  the  charlattinas  and  all 
branches  of  climatitis,  it  has  been  such  a  wanderful  noyth  untirely, 
added  she,  with  many  regards  to  Maha's  pranjapansies.  (Tart!) 
Prehistoric,  obitered  to  his  dictaphone  an  entychologist:  his  pro- 
penomen  is  a  properismenon.  A  dustman  nocknamed  Seven- 
churches  in  the  employ  of  Messrs  Achburn,  Soulpetre  and 
Ashreborn,  prairmakers,  Glintalook,  was  asked  by  the  sisterhood 
the  vexed  question  during  his  midday  collation  of  leaver  and 
buckrom  alternatively  with  stenk  and  kitteney  phie  in  a  hash- 
housh  and,  thankeaven,  responsed  impulsively:  We  have  just  been 
propogandering  his  nullity  suit  and  what  they  took  out  of  his  ear 
among  my  own  crush.  All  our  fellows  at  0'Dea*s  sages  with 
Aratar  Calaman  he  is  a  cemented  brick,  buck  it  all!  A  more  nor 
usually  sober  cardriver,  who  was  jauntingly  hosing  his  runabout. 
Ginger  Jane,  took  a  strong  view.  Lorry  hosed  her  as  he  talked 
and  this  is  what  he  told  rewritemen:  Irewaker  is  just  a  plain  pink 
joint  reformee  in  private  life  but  folks  all  have  it  by  brehemons 
laws  he  has  parliamentary  honours.  Eiskaffier  said  (Louigi's,  you 
know  that  man*s,  brillant  Savourain):  Mon  foicy  you  wish  to  ave 
some  homelette,  yes,  lady !  Good,  mein  leber !  Your  hegg  he  must 
break  himself.  See,  I  crack,  so,  he  sit  in  the  poele,  umbedimbt! 
A  perspirer  (over  sixty)  who  was  keeping  up  his  tennises  panted 
he  kne  ho  har  twa  to  elect  infamatios  but  a  difFpair  flannels  climb 
wall  and  trespassing  on  doorbell.  After  fullblown  Braddon  hear 
this  fresky  troterella!  A  railways  barmaid's  view  (they  call  her 

59 


Spilltears  Rue)  was  thus  expressed:  to  sympathisers  of  the  Dole 
Line,  Death  Avenue,  anent  those  objects  of  her  pity-prompted 
ministrance,  to  wet,  man  and  his  syphon.  Ehim!  It  is  ever  too 
late  to  whissle  when  Phyllis  floods  her  stable.  It  would  be  skar- 
lot  shame  to  jailahim  in  lockup,  as  was  proposed  to  him  by  the 
Seddoms  creature  what  matter  what  merrytricks  went  off  with 
his  revulverher  in  connections  with  ehim  being  a  norphan  and 
enjoining  such  wicked  illth,  ehim!  Well  done,  Drumcollakill ! 
Kitty  Tyrrel  is  proud  of  you,  was  the  reply  of  a  B.O.T.  official 
(O  blame  gnot  the  board!)  while  the  Daughters  Benkletter  mur- 
mured in  uniswoon:  Golforgilhisjurylegs!  Brian  Lynsky,  the  cub 
curser,  was  questioned  at  his  shouting  box,  Bawlonabraggat,  and 
gave  a  snappy  comeback,  when  saying:  Paw!  Once  more  FU 
hellbowl !  I  am  for  caveman  chase  and  Sahara  sex,  burk  you !  Them 
two  bitches  ought  to  be  leashed,  canem!  Up  hog  and  hoar  hunt! 
Paw!  A  wouldbe  martyr,  who  is  attending  on  sanit  Asitas  where 
he  is  being  taught  to  wear  bracelets,  when  grilled  on  the  point, 
revealed  the  undoubted  fact  that  the  consequence  would  be  that 
so  long  as  Sankya  Moondy  played  his  mango  tricks  under  the 
mysttetry,  with  shady  apsaras  sheltering  in  his  leaves'  licence  and 
his  shadowers  torrifried  by  the  potent  bolts  of  indradiction,  there 
would  be  fights  all  over  Cuxhaven.  (Tosh!)  Missioner  Ida  Womb- 
well,  the  seventeenyearold  revivalist,  said  concerning  the  coinci- 
dent of  interfizzing  with  grenadines  and  other  respectable  and 
disgusted  peersons  using  the  park:  That  perpendicular  person  is 
a  brut!  But  a  magnificent  brut!  'Caligula  (Mr  Danl  Magrath, 
bookmaker,  wellknown  to  Eastrailian  poorusers  of  the  Sydney 
Parade  Ballotin)  was,  as  usual,  antipodal  with  his:  striving  todie, 
hopening  tomellow.  Ware  Splash.  Cobbler.  We  have  meat  two 
hourly,  sang  out  El  Caplan  Buycout,  with  the  famous  padre's 
turridur's  capecast,  meet  too  ourly,  matadear!  Dan  Meiklejohn, 
precentor,  of  S.S.  Smack  and  Olley's  was  probiverbal  with  his 
upsiduxit:  mutatus  mutandus.  Dauran's  lord  ('Sniffpox')  and  Moir- 
gan's  lady  ('Flatterfun')  took  sides  and  crossed  and  bowed  to 
each  other's  views  and  recrossed  themselves.  The  dirty  dubs  upin 
their  flies,  went  too  free,  echoed  the  dainly  drabs  downin  their 

60 


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scenities,  una  mona.  Sylvia  Silence,  the  girl  detective  (Meminerva, 
but  by  now  one  hears  turtlings  all  over  Doveland!)  when  supplied 
with  informations  as  to  the  several  facets  of  the  case  in  her  cozy- 
dozy  bachelure's  flat,  quite  overlooking  John  a'Dream's  mews, 
leaned  back  in  her  really  truly  easy  chair  to  query  restfully  through 
her  vowelthreaded  syllabelles:  Have  you  evew  thought,  wepow- 
tew,  that  sheew  gweatness  was  his  twadgedy?  Nevewtheless  ac- 
cowding  to  my  considewed  attitudes  fow  this  act  he  should  pay 
the  full  penalty,  pending  puwsuance,  as  pew  Subsec.  32,  section 
II,  of  the  C.  L.  A.  act  1885,  anything  in  this  act  to  the  contwawy 
notwithstanding.  Jarley  Jilke  began  to  silke  for  he  couldn't  get 
home  to  Jelsey  but  ended  with:  He's  got  the  sack  that  helped  him 
moult  instench  of  his  gladsome  rags.  Meagher,  a  naval  rating, 
seated  on  one  of  the  granite  cromlech  setts  of  our  new  fish- 
shambles  for  the  usual  aireating  after  the  ever  popular  act,  with 
whom  were  Questa  and  Puella,  piquante  and  quoite,  (this  had  a 
cold  in  her  brain  while  that  felt  a  sink  in  her  summock,  wit's 
wat,  wot's  wet)  was  encouraged,  although  nearvanashed  himself, 
by  one  of 'his  co-affianced  to  get  your  breath,  Walt,  and  gobbit 
and  when  ther  chidden  by  her  fastra  sastra  to  saddle  up  your 
pance,  Naville,  thus  cor  replied  to  her  other's  thankskissing:  I 
lay  my  two  fingerbuttons,  fiancee  Meagher,  (he  speaks !)  he  was 
to  blame  about  your  two  velvetthighs  up  Horniman's  Hill  —  as 
hook  and  eye  blame  him  or  any  other  piscman.'^  —  but  I  also 
think,  Puellywally,  by  the  siege  of  his  trousers  there  was  some- 
one else  behind  it  —  you  bet  your  boughtem  blarneys  —  about 
their  three  drummers  down  Keysars  Lane.  (Trite !). 

Be  these  meer  marchant  taylor's  fablings  of  a  race  referend 
with  oddman  rex.'^  Is  now  all  seenheard  then  forgotten.'^  Can  it 
was,  one  is  fain  in  this  leaden  age  of  letters  now  to  wit,  that  so 
diversified  outrages  (they  have  still  to  come!)  were  planned  and 
partly  carried  out  against  so  staunch  a  covenanter  if  it  be  true 
than  any  of  those  recorded  ever  took  place  for  many,  we  trow, 
beyessed  to  and  denayed  of,  are  given  to  us  by  some  who  use 
the  truth  but  sparingly  and  we,  on  this  side  ought  to  sorrow  for 
their  pricking  pens  on  that  account.  The  seventh  city,  Urovivla, 

61 


his  citadear  of  refuge,  whither  (would  we  believe  the  laimen  and 
their  counts),  beyond  the  outraved  gales  of  Atreeatic,  changing 
clues  with  a  baggermalster,  the  hejirite  had  fled,  silentioussue- 
meant  under  night's  altosonority,  shipalone,  a  raven  of  the  wave, 
(be  mercy,  Mara!  A  he  whence  Rahoulas!)  from  the  ostmen's 
dirtby  on  the  old  vie,  to  forget  in  expiating  manslaughter  and, 
reberthing  in  remarriment  out  of  dead  seekness  to  devine  previ- 
dence,  (if  you  are  looking  for  the  bilder  deep  your  ear  on  the 
movietone!)  to  league  his  lot,  palm  and  patte,  with  a  papishee. 
For  mine  qvinne  I  thee  giftake  and  bind  my  hosenband  I  thee 
halter.  The  wastobe  land,  a  lottuse  land,  a  luctuous  land,  Emerald- 
illuim,  the  peasant  pastured,  in  which  by  the  fourth  commandment 
with  promise  his  days  apostolic  were  to  be  long  by  the  abundant 
mercy  of  Him  Which  Thundereth  From  On  High,  murmured, 
would  rise  against  him  with  all  which  in  them  were,  franchisab- 
les  and  inhabitands,  astea  as  agora,  helotsphilots,  do  him  hurt, 
poor  jink,  ghostly  following  bodily,  as  were  he  made  a  curse  for 
them,  the  corruptible  lay  quick,  all  saints  of  incorruption  of  an 
holy  nation,  the  common  or  ere-in-garden  castaway,  in  red  re- 
surrection to  condemn  so  they  might  convince  him,  first  pha- 
roah,  Humpheres  Cheops  Exarchas,  of  their  proper  sins.  Busi- 
ness bred  to  speak  with  a  stiff  upper  lip  to  all  men  and  most  occa- 
sions the  Man  we  wot  of  took  little  short  of  fighting  chances  but 
for  all  that  he  or  his  or  his  care  were  subjected  to  the  horrors  of 
the  premier  terror  of  Errorland.  (perorhaps!) 

We  seem  to  us  (the  real  Us!)  to  be  reading  our  Amenti  in  the 
sixth  sealed  chapter  of  the  going  forth  by  black.  It  was  after  the 
show  at  Wednesbury  that  one  tall  man,  humping  a  suspicious 
parcel,  when  returning  late  amid  a  dense  particular  on  his  home 
way  from  the  second  house  of  the  Boore  and  Burgess  Christy 
Menestrels  by  the  old  spot,  Roy's  Corner,  had  a  barkiss  revolver 
placed  to  his  faced  with  the  words:  you're  shot,  major:  by  an  un- 
knowable assailant  (masked)  against  whom  he  had  been  jealous 
over,  Lotta  Crabtree  or  Pomona  Evlyn.  More  than  that  Whenn 
the  Waylayer  (not  a  Lucalizod  diocesan  or  even  of  tlie  Glenda- 
lough  see,  but  hailing  fro'  the  prow  of  Little  Britain),  mention- 

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I 

i 


i 


ing  in  a  bytheway  that  he,  the  crawsopper,  had,  in  edition  to 
Reade's  cutless  centiblade,  a  loaded  Hobson's  which  left  only  twin 
alternatives  as,  viceversa,  either  he  would  surely  shoot  her,  the 
aunt,  by  pistol,  (she  could  be  okaysure  of  that!)  or,  failing  of  such, 
bash  in  Patch's  blank  face  beyond  recognition,  pointedly  asked 
with  gaeilish  gall  wodkar  blizzard's  business  Thornton  had  with 
that  Kane's  fender  only  to  be  answered  by  the  aggravated 
assaulted  that  that  that  was  the  snaps  for  him,  Midweeks,  to  sultry 
well  go  and  find  out  if  he  was  showery  well  able.  But  how  trans- 
paringly  nontrue,  gentlewriter!  His  feet  one  is  not  a  tall  man,  not 
at  all,  man.  No  such  parson.  No  such  fender.  No  such  lumber.  No 
such  race.  Was  it  supposedly  in  connection  with  a  girls,  Myramy 
Huey  or  Colores  Archer,  under  Flaggy  Bridge  (for  ann  there  is 
but  one  liv  and  hir  newbridge  is  her  old)  or  to  explode  his 
twelvechamber  and  force  a  shrievalty  entrance  that  the  heavybuilt 
Abelbody  in  a  butcherblue  blouse  from  One  Life  One  Suit  (a 
men's  wear  store),  with  a  most  decisive  bottle  of  single  in  his 
possession,  seized  after  dark  by  the  town  guard  at  Haveyou- 
caught-emerod's  temperance  gateway  was  there  in  a  gate's  way. 

Fifthly,  how  parasoliloquisingly  truetoned  on  his  first  time  of 
hearing  the  wretch's  statement  that,  muttering  Irish,  he  had  had 
had  o'gloriously  a'lot  too  much  hanguest  or  hoshoe  fine  to 
drink  in  the  House  of  Blazes,  the  Parrot  in  Hell,  the  Orange  Tree, 
the  Glibt,  the  Sun,  the  Holy  Lamb  and,  lapse  not  leashed,  in 
Ramitdown's  ship  hotel  since  the  morning  moment  he  could 
dixtinguish  a  white  thread  from  a  black  till  the  engine  of  the 
laws  declosed  unto  Murray  and  was  only  falling  fillthefluthered 
up  against  the  gatestone  pier  which,  with  the  cow's  bonnet 
a' top  o'it,  he  falsetook  for  a  cattlepillar  with  purest  peaceablest 
intentions.  Yet  how  lamely  hobbles  the  hoy  of  his  then  pseudo- 
jocax  axplanation  how,  according  to  his  own  story,  he  was  a 
process  server  and  was  merely  trying  to  open  zozimus  a  bottlop 
stoub  by  mortially  hammering  his  magnum  bonum  (the  curter  the 
club  the  sorer  the  savage)  against  the  bludgey  gate  for  the  boots 
about  the  swan,  Maurice  Behan,  who  hastily  into  his  shoes  with 
nothing  his  hald  barra  tinnteack  and  came  down  with  homp, 

63 


shtemp  and  jumphet  to  the  tiltyard  from  the  wastes  a'sleep  in  his 
obi  ohny  overclothes  or  choker,  attracted  by  the  norse  of  guns 
playing  Delandy  is  cartager  on  the  raglar  rock  to  Dulyn,  said 
war'  prised  safe  in  bed  as  he  dreamed  that  he'd  wealthes  in  mor- 
mon halls  when  wokenp  by  a  fourth  loud  snore  out  of  his  land 
of  byelo  while  hickstrey's  maws  was  grazing  in  the  moonlight 
by  hearing  hammering  on  the  pandywhank  scale  emanating  from 
the  blind  pig  and  anything  like  it  (oonagh!  oonagh!)  in  the 
whole  history  of  the  Mullingcan  Inn  he  never.  This  battering 
babel  allower  the  door  and  sideposts,  he  always  said,  was  not  in 
the  very  remotest  like  the  belzey  babble  of  a  bottle  of  boose 
which  would  not  rouse  him  out  o'  slumber  deep  but  reminded 
him  loads  more  of  the  martiallawsey  marses  of  foreign  musi- 
kants'  instrumongs  or  the  overthrewer  to  the  third  last  days  of 
Pompery,  if  anything.  And  that  after  this  most  nooningless 
knockturn  the  young  reine  came  down  desperate  and  the  old 
liffopotamus  started  ploring  all  over  the  plains,  as  mud  as  she 
cud  be,  ruinating  all  the  bouchers'  schurts  and  the  backers' 
wischandtugs  so  that  be  the  chandeleure  of  the  Rejaneyjailey 
they  were  all  night  wasching  the  waiters  of,  the  weltering  waiters 
off.  Whyte. 

Just  one  moment.  A  pinch  in  time  of  the  ideal,  musketeers! 
Alphos,  Burkos  and  Caramis,  leave  Astrelea  for  the  astrollajerries 
and  for  the  love  of  the  saunces  and  the  honour  of  Keavens  pike 
puddywhackback  to  Pamintul.  And  roll  away  the  reel  world,  the 
reel  world,  the  reel  world!  And  call  all  your  smokeblushes, 
Snowwhite  and  Rosered,  if  you  will  have  the  real  cream !  Now  for 
a  strawberry  frolic!  Filons,  filoosh!  Cherchons  la  flamme!  Famm- 
famm!  Fammfamm! 

Come  on,  ordinary  man  with  that  large  big  nonobli  head,  and 
that  blanko  berbecked  fischial  ekksprezzion  Machinsky  Scapolo- 
polos,  Duzinascu  or  other.  Your  machelar's  mutton  leg's  getting 
musclebound  from  being  too  pulled.  Noah  Beery  weighed  stone 
thousand  one  when  Hazel  was  a  hen.  Now  her  fat's  falling  fast. 
Therefore,  chatbags,  why  not  yours?  There  are  29  sweet  reasons 
why  blossomtime's  the  best.  Elders  fall  for  green  almonds  when 

64 


\^uuJi  roto 


they're  raised  on  bruised  stone  root  ginger  though  it  winters  on 
their  heads  as  if  auctumned  round  their  waistbands.  If  you'd  had 
pains  in  your  hairs  you  wouldn't  look  so  orgibald.  You'd  have 
Colley  Macaires  on  your  lump  of  lead.  Now  listen,  Mr  Leer! 
And  stow  that  sweatyfunnyadams  Simper!  Take  an  old  geeser 
who  calls  on  his  skirt.  Note  his  sleek  hair,  so  elegant,  tableau 
vivant.  He  vows  her  to  be  his  own  honeylamb,  swears  they  will 
be  papa  pals,  by  Sam,  and  share  good  times  way  down  west  in  a 
guaranteed  happy  lovenest  when  May  moon  she  shines  and  they 
twit  twinkle  all  the  night,  combing  the  comet's  tail  up  right  and 
shooting  popguns  at  the  stars.  Creampuffs  all  to  dime!  Every 
nice,  missymackenzies !  For  dear  old  grumpapar,  he's  gone  on 
the  razzledar,  through  gazing  and  crazing  and  blazing  at  the  stars. 
Compree!  She  wants  her  wardrobe  to  hear  from  above  by  return 
with  cash  so  as  she  can  buy  her  Peter  Robinson  trousseau  and  cut 
a  dash  with  Arty,  Bert  or  possibly  Charley  Chance  (who  knows.^) 
so  tolloll  Mr  Hunker  you're  too  dada  for  me  to  dance  (so  off  she 
goes !)  and  that's  how  half  the  gels  in  town  has  got  their  bottom 
drars  while  grumpapar  he's  trying  to  hitch  his  braces  on  to  his 
trars.  But  old  grum  he's  not  so  clean  dippy  between  sweet  you 
and  yum  (not  on  your  life,  boy!  not  in  those  trousers!  not  by  a 
large  jugful!)  for  someplace  on  the  sly,  where  Furphy  he  isn't  by, 
old  grum  has  his  gel  number  two  (bravevow,  our  Grum!)  and  he 
would  like  to  canoodle  her  too  some  part  of  the  time  for  he  is 
downright  fond  of  his  number  one  but  O  he's  fair  mashed  on 
peaches  number  two  so  that  if  he  could  only  canoodle  the  two, 
chivee  chivoo,  all  three  would  feel  genuinely  happy,  it's  as  simple 
as  A.  B.  C,  the  two  mixers,  we  mean,  with  their  cherrybum 
chappy  (for  he  is  simply  shamming  dippy)  if  they  all  were  afloat 
in  a  dreamlifeboat,  hugging  two  by  two  in  his  zoo-doo-you-doo, 
a  tofftoff  for  thee,  missymissy  for  me  and  howcameyou-e'enso  for 
Farber,  in  his  tippy,  upindown  dippy,  tiptoptippy  canoodle,  can 
you.'^  Finny. 

Ack,  ack,  ack.  With  which  clap,  trap  and  soddenment,  three  to 
a  loaf,  our  mutual  friends  the  fender  and  the  bottle  at  the  gate  seem 
to  be  implicitly  in  the  same  bateau,  so  to  singen,  bearing  also 

65 


several  of  the  earmarks  of  design,  for  there  is  in  fact  no  use  in 
putting  a  tooth  in  a  snipery  of  that  sort  and  the  amount  of  all 
those  sort  of  things  which  has  been  going  on  onceaday  in  and 
twiceaday  out  every  other  nachtistag  among  all  kinds  of  pro- 
miscious  individuals  at  all  ages  in  private  homes  and  reeboos 
publikiss  and  allover  all  and  elsewhere  throughout  secular 
sequence  the  country  over  and  overabroad  has  been  particularly 
stupendous.  To  be  continued.  Federals'  Uniteds'  Transports' 
Unions'  for  Exultations'  of  Triumphants'  Ecstasies. 

But  resuming  inquiries.  Will  it  ever  be  next  morning  the  postal 
unionist's  (officially  called  carrier's,  Letters  Scotch,  Limited) 
strange  fate  (Fierceendgiddyex  he's  hight,  d.e.,  the  losel  that 
bucks  around  missivemaids'  gummibacks)  to  hand  in  a  huge 
chain  envelope,  written  in  seven  divers  stages  of  ink,  from  blanch- 
essance  to  lavandaiette,  every  pothook  and  pancrook  bespaking 
the  wisherwife,  superscribed  and  subpencilled  by  yours  A  Laugh- 
able Party,  with  afterwite,  S.A.G.,  to  Hyde  and  Cheek,  Eden- 
berry,  Dubblenn,  WC.'^  Will  whatever  will  be  written  in  lappish 
language  with  inbursts  of  Maggyer  always  seem  semposed,  black 
looking  white  and  white  guarding  black,  in  that  siamixed  twoa- 
talk  used  twist  stern  swift  and  jolly  roger.'*  Will  it  bright  upon  us, 
nightie,  and  we  plunging  to  our  plight?  Well,  it  might  now,  mircle, 
so  it  light.  Always  and  ever  till  Cox's  wife,  twice  Mrs  Hahn,  pokes 
her  beak  into  the  matter  with  Owen  K.  after  her,  to  see  whawa 
smutter  after,  will  this  kiribis  pouch  filled  with  litterish  frag- 
ments lurk  dormant  in  the  paunch  of  that  halpbrother  of  a  herm, 
a  pillarbox? 

The  coffin,  a  triumph  of  the  illusionist's  art,  at  first  blench 
naturally  taken  for  a  handharp  (it  is  handwarp  to  tristinguish 
jubabe  from  jabule  or  either  from  tubote  when  all  three  have  just 
been  invened)  had  been  removed  from  the  hardware  premises  of 
Oetzmann  and  Nephew,  a  noted  house  of  the  gonemo^t  west, 
which  in  the  natural  course  of  all  things  continues  to  supply 
funeral  requisites  of  every  needed  description.  Why  needed, 
though?  Indeed  needed  (wouldn't  you  feel  like  rattanfowl  if  you 
hadn't  the  oscar!)  because  the  flash  brides  or  bride  in  their  lily 

66 


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boleros  one  games  with  at  the  Nivynubies'  finery  ball  and  your 
upright  grooms  that  always  come  right  up  with  you  (and  by  jingo 
when  they  do!)  what  else  in  this  mortal  world,  now  ours,  when 
meet  there  night,  mid  their  nackt,  me  there  naket,  made  their 
nought  the  hour  strikes,  would  bring  them  rightcame  back  in  the 
flesh,  thumbs  down,  to  their  orses  and  their  hashes. 

To  proceed.  We  might  leave  that  nitrience  of  oxagiants  to  take 
its  free  of  the  air  and  just  analectralyse  that  very  chymerical  com- 
bination, the  gasbag  where  the  warderworks.  And  try  to  pour 
somour  heiterscene  up  thealmostfere.  In  the  bottled  heliose  case 
continuing,  Long  Lally  Tobkids,  the  special,  sporting  a  fine  breast 
of  medals,  and  a  conscientious  scripturereader  to  boot  in  the  brick 
and  tin  choorch  round  the  coroner,  swore  like  a  Norewheezian 
tailliur  on  the  stand  before  the  proper  functionary  that  he  was  up 
against  a  right  querrshnorrt  of  a  mand  in  the  butcher  of  the  blues 
who,  he  guntinued,  on  last  epening  after  delivering  some  car- 
casses mattonchepps  and  meatjutes  on  behalf  of  Messrs  Otto 
Sands  and  Eastman,  Limericked,  Victuallers,  went  and,  with  his 
unmitigated  astonissment,  hickicked  at  the  dun  and  dorass  against 
all  the  runes  and,  when  challenged  about  the  pretended  hick  (it 
was  kickup  and  down  with  him)  on  his  solemn  by  the  imputant 
imputed,  said  simply:  I  appop  pie  oath,  Phillyps  Captain.  You 
did,  as  I  sostressed  before.  You  are  deepknee  in  error,  sir.  Madam 
Tomkins,  let  me  then  tell  you,  replied  with  a  gentlewomanly 
salaam  MackPartland,  (the  meatman's  family,  and  the  oldest  in 
the  world  except  nick,  name.)  And  Phelps  was  flayful  with  his 
peeler.  But  his  phizz  fell. 

Now  to  the  obverse.  From  velveteens  to  dimities  is  barely  a 
fivefinger  span  and  hence  these  camelback  excesses  are  thought 
to  have  been  instigated  by  one  or  either  of  the  causing  causes  of 
all,  those  rushy  hollow  heroines  in  their  skirtsleeves,  be  she  ma- 
gretta  be  she  the  posque.  Oh!  Oh!  Because  it  is  a  horrible  thing 
to  have  to  say  to  say  to  day  but  one  dilalah,  Lupita  Lorette,  short- 
ly after  in  a  fit  of  the  unexpectednesses  drank  carbolic  with  all 
her  dear  placid  life  before  her  and  paled  off  while  the  other 
soiled  dove  that's  her  sister-in-love,  Luperca  Latouche,  finding 

67 


one  day  while  dodging  chores  that  she  stripped  teasily  for  binocu- 
lar man  and  that  her  jambs  were  jimpjoyed  to  see  each  other,  the 
nautchy  girly  soon  found  her  fruitful  hat  too  small  for  her  and 
rapidly  taking  time,  look,  she  rapidly  took  to  necking,  partying 
and  selling  her  spare  favours  in  the  haymow  or  in  lumber  closets 
or  in  the  greenawn  ad  huck  (there  are  certain  intimacies  in  all 
ladies*  lavastories  we  just  lease  to  imagination)  or  in  the  sweet 
churchyard  close  itself  for  a  bit  of  soft  coal  or  an  array  of  thin 
trunks,  serving  whom  in  fine  that  same  hot  coney  a  la  Zingara 
which  our  own  little  Graunya  of  the  chilired  cheeks  dished  up 
to  the  greatsire  of  Oscar,  that  son  of  a  Coole.  Houri  of  the  coast 
of  emerald,  arrah  of  the  lacessive  poghue,  Aslim-all-Muslim,  the 
resigned  to  her  surrender,  did  not  she,  come  leinster's  even,  true 
dotter  of  a  dearmud,  (her  pitch  was  Forty  Steps  and  his  perch  old 
CromwelFs  Quarters)  with  so  valkirry  a  licence  as  sent  many  a 
poor  pucker  packing  to  perdition,  again  and  again,  ay,  and  again 
sfidare  him,  tease  fido,  eh  tease  fido,  eh  eh  tease  fido,  toos  top- 
ples topple,  stop,  dug  of  a  dog  of  a  dgiaour,  ye!  Angealousmei ! 
And  did  not  he,  like  Arcoforty,  farfar  off  Bissavolo,  missbrand 
her  behaveyous  with  iridescent  huecry  of  down  right  mean  false 
sop  lap  sick  dope?  Tawfulsdreck !  A  reine  of  the  shee,  a  shebeen 
quean,  a  queen  of  pranks.  A  kingly  man,  of  royal  mien,  regally 
robed,  exalted  be  his  glory!  So  gave  so  take:  Now  not,  not  now! 
He  would  just  a  min.  Suffering  trumpet!  He  thought  he  want. 
Whath?  Hear,  O  hear,  living  of  the  land!  Hungreb,  dead  era, 
hark!  He  hea,  eyes  ravenous  on  her  lippling  lills.  He  hear  her  voi 
of  day  gon  by.  He  hears!  Zay,  zay,  zay!  But,  by  the  beer  of  his 
profit,  he  cannot  answer.  Upterputty  till  rise  and  shine !  Nor  needs 
none  shaft  ne  stele  from  Phenicia  or  Little  Asia  to  obelise  on 
the  spout,  neither  pobalclock  neither  folksstone,  nor  sunkenness 
in  Tomar's  Wood  to  bewray  how  erpressgangs  score  off  the  rued. 
The  mouth  that  tells  not  will  ever  attract  the  unthinking  tongue 
and  so  long  as  the  obseen  draws  theirs  which  hear  not  so  long 
till  allearth's  dumbnation  shall  the  blind  lead  the  deaf.  Tatcho, 
tawney  yeeklings !  The  column  of  lumps  lends  the  pattrin  of  the 
leaves  behind  us.  If  violence  to  life,  limb  and  chattels,  often  as 

68 


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not,  has  been  the  expression,  direct  or  through  an  agent  male,  of 
womanhid  offended,  (ah!  ah!),  has  not  levy  of  black  mail  from 
the  times  the  fairies  were  in  it,  and  fain  for  wilde  erthe  blothoms 
followed  an  impressive  private  reputation  for  whispered  sins? 

Now  by  memory  inspired,  turn  wheel  again  to  the  whole  of 
the  wall.  Where  Gyant  Blyant  fronts  Peannlueamoore  There  was 
once  upon  a  wall  and  a  hooghoog  wall  a  was  and  such  a  wall- 
hole  did  exist.  Ere  ore  or  ire  in  Aaarlund.  Or  you  Dair's  Hair  or 
you  Diggin  Mosses  or  your  horde  of  orts  and  oriorts  to  garble 
a  garthen  of  Odin  and  the  lost  paladays  when  all  the  eddams  ended 
with  aves.  Armen?  The  doun  is  theirs  and  still  to  see  for  menags 
if  he  strikes  a  lousaforitch  and  we'll  come  to  those  baregazed 
shoeshines  if  you  just  shoodov  a  second.  And  let  oggs  be  good 
old  gaggles  and  Isther  Estarr  play  Yesther  Asterr.  In  the  drema 
of  Sorestost  Areas,  Diseased.  A  stonehinged  gate  then  was  for 
another  thing  while  the  suroptimist  had  bought  and  enlarged 
that  shack  under  fair  rental  of  one  yearlyng  sheep,  (prime)  value 
of  sixpence,  and  one  small  yearlyng  goat  (cadet)  value  of  eight- 
pence,  to  grow  old  and  happy  (hogg  it  and  kidd  him)  for  the  re- 
minants  of  his  years;  and  when  everything  was  got  up  for  the 
purpose  he  put  an  applegate  on  the  place  by  no  means  as  some 
pretext  a  bedstead  in  loo  thereof  to  keep  out  donkeys  (the  pig- 
dirt  hanging  from  the  jags  to  this  hour  makes  that  clear)  and  just 
thenabouts  the  iron  gape,  by  old  custom  left  open  to  prevent 
the  cats  from  getting  at  the  gout,  was  triplepatlockt  on  him  on 
purpose  by  his  faithful  poorters  to  keep  him  inside  probably  and 
possibly  enaunter  he  felt  like  sticking  out  his  chest  too  far  and 
tempting  gracious  providence  by  a  stroll  on  the  peoplade's  egg- 
day,  unused  as  he  was  yet  to  being  freely  clodded. 

O,  by  the  by,  lets  wee  brag  of  praties,  it  ought  to  be  always 
remembered  in  connection  with  what  has  gone  before  that  there 
was  a  northroomer,  Herr  Betreffender,  out  for  his  zimmer  hole- 
digs,  digging  in  number  32  at  the  Rum  and  Puncheon  (Branch  of 
Dirty  Dick's  free  house)  in  Laxlip  (where  the  Sockeye  Sammons 
were  stopping  at  the  time  orange  fasting)  prior  to  that,  a  Kom- 
merzial  (Gorbotipacco,  he  was  wreaking  like  Zentral  Oylrubber) 

69 


from  Osterich,  the  U.S.E.  paying  (Gaul  save  the  mark!)  ii/-  in 
the  week  (Gosh,  these  wholly  romads!)  of  conscience  money  in 
the  first  deal  of  Yuly  wheil  he  was,  swishing  beesnest  with  bles- 
sure,  and  swobbing  broguen  eeriesh  myth  brockendootsch,  mak- 
ing his  reporterage  on  Der  Fall  Adams  for  the  Frankofurto  Siding, 
a  Fastland  payrodicule,  and  er,  consstated  that  one  had  on  him 
the  Lynn  O'Brien,  a  meltoned  lammswolle,  disturbed,  and  wider 
he  might  the  same  zurichschicken  other  he  would,  with  tosend 
and  obertosend  tonnowatters,  one  monkey's  damages  become. 
Now  you  must  know,  franksman,  to  make  a  heart  of  glass,  that 
the  game  of  gaze  and  bandstand  butchery  was  merely  a  Patsy 
O' Strap  tissue  of  threats  and  obuses  such  as  roebucks  raugh  at 
pinnacle's  peak  and  after  this  sort.  Humphrey's  unsolicited  visitor, 
Davy  or  Titus,  on  a  burgley's  clan  march  from  the  middle  west, 
a  hikely  excellent  crude  man  about  road  who  knew  his  Bullfoost 
Mountains  like  a  starling  bierd,  after  doing  a  long  dance  untidled 
to  Cloudy  Green,  deposend  his  bockstump  on  the  waityoumay- 
wantme,  after  having  blew  some  quaker's  (for  you!  Oates!)  in 
through  the  houseking's  keyhole  to  attract  attention,  bleated 
through  the  gale  outside  which  the  tairor  of  his  clothes  was  hog- 
callering,  first,  be  the  hirsuiter,  that  he  would  break  his  bulshey- 
wigger's  head  for  him,  next,  be  the  heeltapper,  that  he  would 
break  the  gage  over  his  lankyduckling  head  the  same  way  he 
would  crack  a  nut  with  a  monkeywrench  and,  last  of  all,  be  the 
stirabouter,  that  he  would  give  him  his  (or  theumperom's  or  any- 
bloody  else's)  thickerthanwater  to  drink  and  his  bleday  steppe- 
brodhar's  into  the  bucket.  He  demanded  more  wood  alcohol  to 
pitch  in  with,  alleging  that  his  granfather's  was  all  taxis  and  that 
it  was  only  after  ten  o'connell,  and  this  his  isbar  was  a  public 
oven  for  the  sake  of  irsk  irskusky,  and  then,  not  easily  dis- 
couraged, opened  the  wrathfloods  of  his  atillarery  and  went  on  at 
a  wicked  rate,  weathering  against  him  in  mooxed  metaphores 
from  eleven  thirty  to  two  in  the  afternoon  without  even  a  lunch- 
eonette interval  for  House,  son  of  Clod,  to  come  out,  you  jew- 
beggar,  to  be  Executed  Amen.  Earwicker,  that  patternmind,  that 
paradigmatic  ear,  receptoretentive  as  his  of  Dionysius,  longsuffer- 

70 


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ing  although  whitening  under  restraint  in  the  sititout  corner  of 
his  conservatory,  behind  faminebuilt  walls,  his  thermos  flask  and 
ripidian  flabel  by  his  side  and  a  walrus  whiskerbristle  for  a  tusk- 
pick,  compiled,  while  he  mourned  the  flight  of  his  wild  guineese, 
a  long  list  (now  feared  in  part  lost)  to  be  kept  on  file  of  all  abusive 
names  he  was  called  (we  have  been  compelled  for  the  rejoicement 
of  foinne  loidies  ind  the  humours  of  Milltown  etcetera  by  Joseph- 
ine Brewster  in  the  collision  known  as  Contrastations  with  Inker- 
mann  and  so  on  and  sononward,  lacies  in  loo  water,  flee,  celestials, 
one  clean  turv):  Firstnighter ^  Informer^  Old  Fruity  Yellow  Whigger, 
Wheatears,  Goldy  Gelt,  Bogside  Beauty ,  Yass  Were  Had  His 
Badannas^  York's  Porker,  Funnyface^  At  Baggottys  Bend  He 
Bumped,  Grease  with  the  Butter,  Opendoor  Ospices,  Cainandabler, 
Ireland's  Eighth  Wonderful  Wonder,  Beat  My  Price,  Godsoilman, 
Moonface  the  Murderer,  Hoary  Hairy  Hoax,  Midnight  Sunburst, 
Remove  that  Bible,  Hebdromadary  Publocation,  Tummer  the  Lame 
the  Tyrannous^  Blau  Clay,  Tight  before  Teatime^  Read  Your 
Pantojoke,  Acoustic  Disturbance^  Thinks  He's  Gobblasst  the  Good 
Dook  of  Ourguile,  W.D's  Grace  ^  Gibbering  Bayamouth  of  Dublin^ 
His  Farther  was  a  Mund^ucker  and  She  had  him  in  a  Growler^ 
Burnham  and  Bailey^  Artist^  Unworthy  of  the  Homely  Protestant 
Religion^  Terry  Cotter^  You  re  Welcome  to  Waterfood^  signed  the 
Ribbonmen^  Lobsterpot  Lardling^  All  for  Arthur  of  this  Town, 
Hooshed  the  Cat  from  the  Bacon^  Leathertogs  Donald,  The  Ace 
and  Deuce  of  Paupering^  O'Reilly  s  Delights  to  Kiss  the  Man 
behind  the  Borrel^  Magogagog^  Swad  Puddlefoot^  Gouty  Ghiheline^ 
Loose  Luther^  Hatches  Cocks'  Eggs,  Muddle  the  Plan,  Luck  before 
Wedlock,  I  Divorce  Thee  Husband,  Tanner  and  a  Make,  Go  to 
Hellena  or  Come  to  Connies^  Piobald  Puffpuff  His  Bride^  Purged 
out  of  Burke' Sj  He's  None  of  Me  Causin^  Barebarean^  Peculiar 
Person,  Grunt  Owl's  Facktotem^  Twelve  Months  Aristocrat, 
Lycanthrope,  Flunkey  Beadle  Vamps  the  Tune  Letting  on  He's 
Loney,  Thunder  and  Turf  Married  into  Clandorf  Left  Boot  Sent 
on  Approval^  Cumberer  of  Lord's  Holy  Ground^  Stodge  Arschmann^ 
Awnt  Yukcy  Tommy  Furlong's  Pet  Plagues^  Archdukon  Cabbanger^ 
Last  Past  the  Post^  Kennealey  Won't  Tell  Thee  off  Nancy's  Gown, 

71 


Scuttle  to  Cover y  Salary  Grab,  Andy  Mac  Noon  in  Annie  s  Room, 
Awl  Out,  Twitchbratschballs^  Bombard  Street  Bester^  Sublime 
Porter,  A  Ban  for  Le  King  of  the  Burgaans  and  a  Bom  for  Ye  Sur 
of  all  the  RuttledgeSj  O'Phelim's  Cutprice,  And  at  Number  Wan 
Wan  Wan,  What  He  Done  to  Castlecostello,  Sleeps  with  Feathers 
end  Ropes,  It  is  Known  who  Sold  Horace  the  Rattler,  Enclosed 
find  the  Sons  of  Fingal,  Swayed  in  his  Falling,  Wants  a  Wife  and 
Forty  of  Them^  Let  Him  Do  the  Fair,  Apeegeequanee  Chimmuck, 

Plowp  Goes  his  Whastle,  Ruin  of  the  Small  Trader,  He  

Milking  honey beaverbrooker,  Vee  was  a  Vindner,  Sower  Rapes, 
Armenian  Atrocity,  Sickfish  Belly  up,  Edomite,  —  'Man  Devoyd  of 
the  Commoner  Characteristics  of  an  Irish  Nature,  Bad  Humborg, 
Hraabhraab,  Coocoohandler,  Dirt,  Miching  Daddy,  Born  Burst  Feet 
Foremost,  Woolworth's  Worst,  Easyathic  Phallus  aphis  t,  Guiltey- 
pigs  Bastard,  Fast  in  the  Barrel,  Boose  in  the  Bed,  Mister  Fatmate, 
In  Custody  of  the  Polis,  BoawwlVs  Alocutionist,  Deposed,  but  anar- 
chistically  respectsful  of  the  liberties  of  the  noninvasive  individual, 
did  not  respond  a  solitary  wedgeword  beyond  such  sedentarity, 
though  it  was  as  easy  as  kissanywhere  for  the  passive  resistant  in 
the  booth  he  was  in  to  reach  for  the  hello  gripes  and  ring  up  Kim- 
mage  Outer  17.67,  because,  as  the  fundamentalist  explained,  when 
at  last  shocked  into  speech,  touchin  his  woundid  feelins  in  the 
fuchsiar  the  dominican  mission  for  the  sowsealist  potty  was  on  at 
the  time  and  he  thought  the  rowmish  devowtion  known  as  the 
howly  rowsary  might  reeform  ihm,  Gonn.  That  more  than 
considerably  unpleasant  bullocky  before  he  rang  off  drunkishly 
pegged  a  few  glatt  stones,  all  of  a  size,  by  way  of  final  mocks 
for  his  grapes,  at  the  wicket  in  support  of  his  words  that  he  was 
not  guilphy  but,  after  he  had  so  slaunga  vollayed,  reconnoi- 
tring through  his  semisubconscious  the  seriousness  of  what  he 
might  have  done  had  he  really  polished  off  his  terrible  intentions 
finally  caused  him  to  change  the  bawling  and  leave  downg  the 
whole  grumus  of  brookpebbles  pangpung  and,  having  sobered 
up  a  bit,  paces  his  groundould  diablen  lionndub,  the  flay  the 
flegm,  the  floedy  fleshener,  (purse,  purse,  pursyfurse,  I'll  splish 
the  splume  of  them  all!)  this  backblocks  boor  bruskly  put  out 

72 


1^ '        d  (i.  a 


his  langwedge  and  quite  quit  the  paleologic  scene,  telling  how 
by  his  selfdenying  ordnance  he  had  left  Hyland  on  the  dissenting 
table,  after  exhorting  Earwicker  or,  in  slightly  modified  phrase- 
ology, Messrs  or  Missrs  Earwicker,  Seir,  his  feminisible  nameof 
multitude,  to  cocoa  come  outside  to  Mockerloo  out  of  that  for 
the  honour  of  Crumlin,  with  his  broody  old  flishguds,  Gog's 
curse  to  thim,  so  as  he  could  brianslog  and  burst  him  all  dizzy, 
you  go  bail,  like  Potts  Fracture  did  with  Keddle  Flatnose  and 
nobodyatall  with  Wholyphamous  and  build  rocks  over  him,  or 
if  he  didn't,  for  two  and  thirty  straws,  be  Cacao  Campbell,  he 
didn't  know  what  he  wouldn't  do  for  him  nor  nobody  else  no- 
more  nor  him  after  which,  batell  martell,  a  brisha  a  milla  a  stroka 
a  boola,  so  the  rage  of  Malbruk,  playing  on  the  least  change  of 
his  manjester's  voice,  the  first  heroic  couplet  from  the  fuguall 
tropical.  Opus  Elf,  Thortytoe:  My  schemes  into  abeyance  for  This 
time  has  had  to  fall:  they  bit  goodbyte  to  their  thumb  and,  his 
bandol  eer  his  solgier,  dripdropdrap  on  pool  or  poldier,  wishing 
the  loff  a  falladelfian  in  the  morning,  proceeded  with  a  Hubble- 
forth  slouch  in  his  slips  backwords  {Et  CurHelil)  in  the  directions 
of  the  duff  and  demb  institutions  about  ten  or  eleven  hundred 
years  lurch  away  in  the  moonshiny  gorge  of  Patself  on  the  Bach. 
Adyoe! 

And  thus,  with  this  rochelly  exetur  of  Bully  Acre,  came  to 
close  that  last  stage  in  the  siegings  round  our  archicitadel  which 
we  would  like  to  recall,  if  old  Nestor  Alexis  would  wink  the 
worth  for  us,  as  Bar-le-Duc  and  Dog-an-Doras  and  Bangen-op- 
Zoom. 

Yed  he  med  leave  to  many  a  door  beside  of  Oxmanswold  for 
so  witness  his  chambered  cairns  a  cloudletlitter  silent  that  are  at 
browse  up  hill  and  down  coombe  and  on  eolithostroton,  at 
Howth  or  at  Coolock  or  even  at  Enniskerry,  a  theory  none  too 
rectiline  of  the  evaluation  of  human  society  and  a  testament  of 
the  rocks  from  all  the  dead  unto  some  the  living.  Olivers  lambs 
we  do  call  them,  skatterlings  of  a  stone,  and  they  shall  be  ga- 
thered unto  him,  their  herd  and  paladin,  as  nubilettes  to  cumule, 
in  that  day  hwen,  same  the  lightning  lancer  of  Azava  Arthur- 

73 


honoured  (some  Finn,  some  Finn  avantl),  he  skall  wake  from 
earthsleep,  haught  crested  elmer,  in  his  valle  of  briers  of  Green- 
man's  Rise  O,  (lost  leaders  live!  the  heroes  return!)  and  o'er  dun 
and  dale  the  Wulverulverlord  (protect  us!)  his  mighty  horn  skall 
roll,  orland,  roll. 

For  in  those  deyes  his  Deyus  shall  ask  of  Allprohome  and 
call  to  himm:  Allprohome!  And  he  make  answer:  Add  some. 
Nor  wink  nor  wunk.  Animadiabolum^  mem  credidisd  mortuum? 
Silence  was  in  thy  faustive  halls,  O  Truiga,  when  thy  green 
woods  went  dry  but  there  will  be  sounds  of  manymirth  on  the 
night's  ear  ringing  when  our  pantriarch  of  Comestowntonobble 
gets  the  pullover  on  his  boots. 

Liverpoor.-^  Sot  a  bit  of  it!  His  braynes  cook  parritch,  his  pelt 
nassy,  his  heart's  adrone,  his  bluidstreams  acrawl,  his  puff  but  a 
piff,  his  extremeties  extremely  so:  Fengless,  Pawmbroke,  Chil- 
blaimend  and  Baldowl.  Humph  is  in  his  doge.  Words  weigh  no 
no  more  to  him  than  raindrips  to  Rethfemhim.  Which  we  all 
like.  Rain.  When  we  sleep.  Drops.  But  wait  until  our  sleeping. 
Drain.  Sdops. 


74 


As  the  lion  in  our  teargarten  remembers  the  nenuphars  of  his 
Nile  (shall  Ariuz  forget  Arioun  or  Boghas  the  baregams  of  the 
Marmarazalles  from  Marmeniere?)  it  may  be,  tots  wearsense  full 
a  naggin  in  twentyg  have  sigilposted  what  in  our  brievingbust, 
the  besieged  bedreamt  him  stil  and  solely  of  those  lililiths  un- 
deveiled  which  had  undone  him,  gone  for  age,  and  knew  not 
the  watchful  treachers  at  his  wake,  and  theirs  to  stay.  Fooi,  fooi, 
chamermissies !  Zeepyzoepy,  larcenlads!  Zijnzijn  Zijnzijn!  It  may 
be,  we  moest  ons  hasten  selves  te  declareer  it,  that  he  reglimmed? 
presaw?  the  fields  of  heat  and  yields  of  wheat  where  corngold 
Ysit?  shamed  and  shone.  It  may  be,  we  habben  to  upseek  a  bitty 
door  our  good  township's  courants  want  we  knew't,  that  with 
his  deepseeing  insight  (had  not  wishing  oftebeen  but  good  time 
wasted),  within  his  patriarchal  shamanah,  broadsteyne  'bove  citie 
(Twillby!  Twillby!)  he  conscious  of  enemies,  a  kingbilly  white- 
horsed  in  a  Finglas  mill,  prayed,  as  he  sat  pn  anxious  seat,  (kunt 
ye  neat  gift  mey  toe  bout  a  peer  saft  eyballds !)  during  that  three 
and  a  hellof  hours'  agony  of  silence,  ex  profundis  malorum^  and 
bred  with  unfeigned  charity  that  his  wordwounder  (an  engles  to 
the  teeth  who,  nomened  Nash  of  Girahash,  would  go  anyold  where 
in  the  weeping  world  on  his  mottled  belly  (the  rab,  the  kreepons- 
kneed!)  for  milk,  music  or  married  missusses)  might,  mercy  to 
providential  benevolence's  who  hates  prudencies'  astuteness,  un- 
fold into  the  first  of  a  distinguished  dynasty  of  his  posteriors, 

75 


blackfaced  connemaras  not  of  the  fold  but  elder  children  of  his 
household,  his  most  besetting  of  ideas  {pace  his  twolve  predama- 
nant  passions)  being  the  formation,  as  in  more  favoured  climes, 
where  the  Meadow  of  Honey  is  guestfriendly  and  the  Mountain 
of  Joy  receives,  of  a  truly  criminal  stratum,  Ham's  cribcracking 
yeggs,  thereby  at  last  eliminating  from  all  classes  and  masses  with 
directly  derivative  decasualisation:  sigarius  (sic!)  vindicat  urbes 
terrorum  (sicker!):  and  so,  to  mark  a  bank  taal  she  arter,  the 
obedience  of  the  citizens  elp  the  ealth  of  the  ole. 

Now  gode.  Let  us  leave  theories  there  and  return  to  here's  here. 
Now  hear.  'Tis  gode  again.  The  teak  coffin,  Pughglasspanelfitted, 
feets  to  the  east,  was  to  turn  in  later,  and  pitly  patly  near  the 
porpus,  materially  effecting  the  cause.  And  this,  liever,  is  the 
thinghowe.  Any  number  of  conservative  public  bodies,  through 
a  number  of  select  and  other  committees  having  power  to  add  to 
their  number,  before  voting  themselves  and  himself,  town,  port 
and  garrison,  by  a  fit  and  proper  resolution,  following  a  koorts 
order  of  the  groundwet,  once  for  all  out  of  plotty  existence,  as 
a  forescut,  so  you  maateskippey  might  to  you  cuttinrunner  on  a 
neuw  pack  of  klerds,  made  him,  while  his  body  still  persisted, 
their  present  of  a  protem  grave  in  Moyelta  of  the  best  Lough 
Neagh  pattern,  then  as  much  in  demand  among  misonesans  as 
the  Isle  of  Man  today  among  limniphobes.  Wacht  even !  It  was 
in  a  fairly  fishy  kettlekerry,  after  the  Fianna's  foreman  had  taken 
his  handful,  enriched  with  ancient  woods  and  dear  dutchy  deep- 
linns  mid  which  were  an  old  knoll  and  a  troutbeck,  vainyvain  of 
her  osiery  and  a  chatty  sally  with  any  Wilt  or  Walt  who  would 
ongle  her  as  Izaak  did  to  the  tickle  of  his  rod  and  watch  her 
waters  of  her  sillying  waters  of  and  there  now  brown  peater 
arripple  (may  their  quilt  gild  lightly  over  his  somnolulutent 
form!)  Whoforyou  lies  his  last,  by  the  wrath  of  Bog,  like  the 
erst  curst  Hun  in  the  bed  of  his  treubleu  Donawhu. 

Best.  This  wastohavebeen  underground  heaven,  or  mole's 
paradise  which  was  probably  also  an  inversion  of  a  phallopharos, 
intended  to  foster  wheat  crops  and  to  ginger  up  tourist  trade 
(its  architecht,  Mgr  Peurelachasse,  having  been  obcaecated  lest 

76 


he  should  petrifake  suchanevver  while  the  contractors  Messrs 
T.  A.  Birkett  and  L.  O.  Tuohalls  were  made  invulnerably  vener- 
able) first  in  the  west,  our  misterbilder,  Castlevillainous,  openly 
damned  and  blasted  by  means  of  a  hydromine,  system,  Sowan  and 
Belting,  exploded  from  a  reinvented  T.N.T.  bombingpost  up 
ahoy  of  eleven  and  thirty  wingrests  (circiter)  to  sternbooard  out 
of  his  aerial  thorpeto,  Auton  Dynamon,  contacted  with  the  ex- 
pectant minefield  by  tins  of  improved  ammonia  lashed  to  her 
shieldplated  gunwale,  and  fused  into  tripupcables,  slipping 
through  tholse  and  playing  down  from  the  conning  tower  into 
the  ground  battery  fuseboxes,  all  differing  as  clocks  from  keys 
since  nobody  appeared  to  have  the  same  time  of  beard,  some 
saying  by  their  Oorlog  it  was  Sygstryggs  to  nine,  more  holding 
with  the  Ryan  vogt  it  was  Dane  to  pfife.  He  afterwards  whaan- 
ever  his  blaetther  began  to  fail  off  him  and  his  rough  bark  was 
wholly  husky  and,  stoop  by  stoop,  he  neared  it  (wouldmanspare !) 
carefully  lined  the  ferroconcrete  result  with  rotproof  bricks  and 
mortar,  fassed  to  fossed,  and  retired  beneath  the  heptarchy  of 
his  towerettes,  the  beauchamp,  byward,  bull  and  lion,  the  white, 
the  wardrobe  and  bloodied,  so  encouraging  (insteppen,  alls  als 
hats  beliefd!)  additional  useful  councils  public  with  hoofd  off- 
dealings  which  were  welholden  of  ladykants  te  huur  out  such  as  the 
Breeders'  Union,  the  Guild  of  Merchants  of  the  Staple  et,  a.u.c.  to 
present  unto  him  with  funebral  pomp,  over  and  above  that,  a  stone 
slab  with  the  usual  Mac  Pelah  address  of  velediction,  a  very  fair- 
worded  instance  of  falsemeaning  adamelegy:  We  have  done  ours 
gohellt  with  you,  Heer  Herewhippit,  overgiven  it,  skidoo! 

But  t'house  and  allaboardshoops  I  Show  coffins,  winding  sheets, 
goodbuy  bierchepes,  cinerary  urns,  liealoud  blasses,  snuffchests, 
poteentubbs,  lacrimal  vases,  hoodendoses,  reekwaterbeckers, 
breakmiddles,  zootzaks  for  eatlust,  including  upyourhealthing 
rookworst  and  meathewersoftened  forkenpootsies  and  for  that 
matter,  javel  also,  any  kind  of  inhumationary  brie  au  brae  for 
the  adornment  of  his  glasstone  honophreum,  would,  met  these 
trein  of  konditiens,  naturally  follow,  halas,  in  the  ordinary  course, 
enabling  that  roundtheworlder  wandelingswight,  did  suches  pass 

77 


him,  to  live  all  safeathomely  the  presenile  days  of  his  life  of 
opulence,  ancient  ere  decrepitude,  late  lents  last  lenience,  till 
stuffering  stage,  whaling  away  the  whole  of  the  while  (hypnos 
chilia  eonionf)  lethelulled  between  explosion  and  reexplosion 
(Donnaurwatteur !  Hunderthunder !)  from  grosskopp  to  megapod, 
embalmed,  of  grand  age,  rich  in  death  anticipated. 

But  abide  Zeit's  sumonserving,  rise  afterfall.  Blueblitzbolted 
from  there,  knowing  the  hingeworms  of  the  hallmirks  of  habita- 
tionlesness,  buried  burrowing  in  Gehinnon,  to  proliferate  through 
all  his  Unterwealth,  seam  by  seam,  sheol  om  sheol,  and  revisit 
our  Uppercrust  Sideria  of  Utilitarios,  the  divine  one,  the  hoar- 
der hidden  propaguting  his  plutorpopular  progeniem  of  pots  and 
pans  and  pokers  and  puns  from  biddenland  to  boughtenland,  the 
spearway  fore  the  spoorway. 

The  other  spring  offensive  on  the  heights  of  Abraham  may 
have  come  about  all  quite  by  accidence,  Foughtarundser  ffor 
Breedabrooda  had  at  length  presuaded  him  to  have  himself  to  be 
as  septuply  buried  as  the  murdered  Cian  in  Finntown),  had  not 
been  three  monads  in  his  watery  grave  (what  vigilantes  and  ridings 
then  and  spuitwyne  pledges  with  aardappel  frittling!)  when 
portrifaction,  dreyfussed  as  ever,  began  to  ramp,  ramp,  ramp,  the 
boys  are  parching.  A  hoodenwinkle  gave  the  signal  and  a  bless- 
ing paper  freed  the  flood.  Why  did  the  patrizien  make  him  scares 
with  his  gruntens?  Because  the  druiven  were  muskating  at  the 
door.  From  both  Celtiberian  camps  (granting  at  the  onset  for  the 
sake  of  argument  that  men  on  the  two  sides  in  New  South  Ire- 
land and  Vetera  Uladh,  bluemin  and  pillfaces,  during  the  ferment 
With  the  Pope  or  On  the  Pope,  had,  moors  or  letts,  grant  ideas, 
grunted)  all  conditions,  poor  cons  and  dives  mor,  each,  of  course, 
on  the  purely  doffensive  since  the  eternals  were  owlwise  on  their 
side  every  time,  were  drawn  toowards  their  Bellona's  Black 
Bottom,  once  Woolwhite's  Waltz  (Ohiboh,  how  becrimed, 
becursekissed  and  bedumbtoit!)  some  for  want  of  proper  feeding 
in  youth,  others  already  caught  in  the  honourable  act  of  slicing 
careers  for  family  and  carvers  in  conjunction;  and,  if  emaciated 
nough,  the  person  garrotted  may  have  suggested  to  whomever  he 

78 


I 


took  the  ham  of,  the  plain  being  involved  in  darkness,  low  cirque 
waggery,  nay,  even  the  first  old  wugger  of  himself  in  the  flesh, 
whiggissimus  incarnadined,  when  falsesighted  by  the  ifsuchhewas 
bully  on  the  hill  for  there  had  circulated  freely  fairly  among  his 
opposition  the  feeling  that  in  so  hibernating  Massa  Ewacka,  who, 
previous  to  that  demidetached  life,  had  been  known  of  barmi- 
cidal  days,  cook  said,  between  soups  and  savours,  to  get  outside 
his  own  length  of  rainbow  trout  and  taerts  atta  tarn  as  no  man 
of  woman  born,  nay  could,  like  the  great  crested  brebe,  devour 
his  threescoreten  of  roach  per  lifeday,  ay,  and  as  many  minnow  a 
minute  (the  big  mix,  may  Gibbet  choke  him!)  was,  like  the  salmon 
of  his  ladderleap  all  this  time  of  totality  secretly  and  by  suckage 
feeding  on  his  own  misplaced  fat. 

Ladies  did  not  disdain  those  pagan  ironed  times  of  the  first 
city  (called  after  the  ugliest  Danadune)  when  a  frond  was  a  friend 
inneed  to  carry,  as  earwigs  do  their  dead,  their  soil  to  the  earth- 
ball  where  indeeth  we  shall  calm  decline,  our  legacy  unknown. 
Venuses  were  gigglibly  temptatrix,  vulcans  guffawably  eruptious 
and  the  whole  wives'  world  frockful  of  fickles.  Fact,  any  human 
inyon  you  liked  any  erenoon  or  efter  would  take  her  bare  godkin 
out,  or  an  even  pair  of  hem,  (lugod !  lugodoo !)  and  prettily  pray 
with  him  (or  with  em  even)  everyhe  to  her  taste,  long  for  luck, 
tapette  and  tape  petter  and  take  pettest  of  all.  (Tip !)  Wells  she'd 
woo  and  wills  she's  win  but  how  the  deer  knowed  where  she'd 
marry!  Arbour,  bucketroom,  caravan,  ditch.'^  Coach,  carriage, 
wheelbarrow,  dungcart.'^ 

Kate  Strong,  a  widow  (Tiptip !)  —  she  pulls  a  lane  picture  for 
us,  in  a  dreariodreama  setting,  glowing  and  very  vidual,  of  old 
dumplan  as  she  nosed  it,  a  homelike  cottage  of  elvanstone  with 
droppings  of  biddies,  stinkend  pusshies,  moggies'  duggies,  rotten 
witchawubbles,  festering  rubbages  and  beggars'  bullets,  if  not 
worse,  sending  salmofarious  germs  in  gleefully  through  the 
smithereen  panes  —  Widow  Strong,  then,  as  her  weaker  had 
turned  him  to  the  wall  (Tiptiptip!),  did  most  all  the  scavenging 
from  good  King  Hamlaugh's  gulden  dayne  though  her  lean 
besom  cleaned  but  sparingly  and  her  bare  statement  reads  that, 

79 


there  being  no  macadamised  sidetracks  on  those  old  nekropolitan 
nights  in,  barring  a  footbatter,  Bryant's  Causeway,  bordered 
with  speedwell,  white  clover  and  sorrel  a  wood  knows,  which 
left  off,  being  beaten,  where  the  plaintiff  was  struck,  she 
left  down,  as  scavengers,  who  will  be  scavengers  must,  her 
filthdump  near  the  Serpentine  in  Phornix  Park  (at  her  time  called 
Finewell's  Keepsacre  but  later  tautaubapptossed  Pat's  Purge), 
that  dangerfield  circling  butcherswood  where  fireworker  oh 
flaherty  engaged  a  nutter  of  castlemallards  and  ah  for  archer 
stunned's  turk,  all  over  which  fossil  footprints,  bootmarks, 
fingersigns,  elbowdints,  breechbowls,  a.  s.  o.  were  all  succes- 
sively traced  of  a  most  envolving  description.  What  subtler 
timeplace  of  the  weald  than  such  wolfsbelly  castrament  to  will 
hide  a  leabhar  from  Thursmen's  brandihands  or  a  loveletter, 
lostfully  hers,  that  would  be  lust  on  Ma,  than  then  when  ructions 
ended,  than  here  where  race  began:  and  by  four  hands  of  fore- 
thought the  first  babe  of  reconcilement  is  laid  in  its  last  cradle 
of  hume  sweet  hume.  Give  over  it!  And  no  more  of  it!  So  pass 
the  pick  for  child  sake!  O  men! 

For  hear  Allhighest  sprack  for  krischnians  as  for  propagana 
fidies  and  his  nuptial  eagles  sharped  their  beaks  of  prey:  and 
every  morphyl  man  of  us,  pome  by  pome,  falls  back  into  this 
terrine:  as  it  was  let  it  be,  says  he!  And  it  is  as  though  where 
Agni  araflammed  and  Mithra  monished  and  Shiva  slew  as  maya- 
mutras  the  obluvial  waters  of  our  noarchic  memory  withdrew, 
windingly  goharksome,  to  some  hastyswasty  timberman  torch- 
priest,  flamenfan,  the  ward  of  the  wind  that  lightened  the  fire  that 
lay  in  the  wood  that  Jove  bolt,  at  his  rude  word.  Posidonius 
O'Fluctuary!  Lave  that  bloody  stone  as  it  is!  What  are  you 
doing  your  dirty  minx  and  his  big  treeblock  way  up  your  path.'^ 
Slip  around,  you,  by  the  rare  of  the  ministers'!  And,  you,  take 
that  barrel  back  where  you  got  it,  Mac  Shane's,  and  go  the  way 
your  old  one  went,  Hatchettsbury  Road!  And  gish!  how  they 
gushed  away,  the  pennyfares,  a  whol6  school  for  scamper,  with 
their  sashes  flying  sish  behind  them,  all  the  little  pirlypettes! 
Issy-la-Chapelle!  Any  lucans,  please.'^ 

80 


j^rsJ^u^S  Cx^  ^*^^  ^"^^^    ^  SVi^J?-^^ 


Yes,  the  viability  of  vicinals  if  invisible  is  invincible.  And  we 
are  not  trespassing  on  his  corns  either.  Look  at  all  the  plotsch! 
Fluminian!  If  this  was  Hannibal's  walk  it  was  Hercules'  work. 
And  a  hungried  thousand  of  the  unemancipated  slaved  the  way. 
The  mausoleum  lies  behind  us  (O  Adgigasta,  muldpopulipaterl) 
and  there  are  milestones  in  their  cheadmilias  faultering  along 
the  tramestrack  by  Brahm  and  Anton  Hermes!  Per  omnibus 
secular  seekalarum.  Amain.  But  the  past  has  made jus_j^^^  present 
j)f  a  rhedarhoad.  So  more  boher  O'Connell!  Though  rainy- 
hidden,  you're  rhinohide.  And  if  he's  not  a  Romeo  you  may 
scallop  your  hat.  Wereupunder  in  the  fane  of  Saint  Fiacre!  Halte! 

It  was  hard  by  the  howe's  there,  plainly  on  this  disoluded  and  a 
buchan  cold  spot,  rupestric  then,  resurfaced  that  now  is,  that 
Luttrell  sold  if  Lautrill  bought,  in  the  saddle  of  the  Brennan's 
(now  Malpasplace?)  pass,  versts  and  versts  from  true  civilisation, 
not  where  his  dreams  top  their  traums  halt  (Beneathere !  Bena- 
there!)  but  where  livland  yontide  meared  with  the  wilde,  saltlea 
with  flood,  that  the  attackler,  a  cropatkin,  though  under  medium 
and  between  colours  with  truly  native  pluck,  engaged  the  Adver- 
sary who  had  more  in  his  eye  than  was  less  to  his  leg  but  whom  for 
plunder  sake,  he  mistook  in  the  heavy  rain  to  be  Oglethorpe  or 
some  other  ginkus.  Parr  aparrently,  to  whom  the  headandheel- 
less  chickenestegg  bore  some  Michelangiolesque  resemblance, 
making  use  of  sacrilegious  languages  to  the  defect  that  he  would 
challenge  their  hemosphores  to  exterminate  them  but  he  would 
cannonise  the  b  —  y  b  —  r's  life  out  of  him  and  lay  him  out 
contritely  as  smart  as  the  b  —  r  had  his  b  —  y  nightprayers 
said,  three  patrecknocksters  and  a  couplet  of  hellmuirries  {tout 
est  sacre  pour  un  sacreur^  femme  a  harhe  ou  homme-nourrice)  at  the 
same  time,  so  as  to  plugg  well  let  the  blubbywail  ghoats  out  of 
him,  catching  hoist  of  an  oblong  bar  he  had  and  with  which  he 
usually  broke  furnitures  he  rose  the  stick  at  him.  The  boarder 
incident  prerepeated  .igjlf.  The  pair  (whethertheywere  Nippo- 
luono  engaging  Wei-Ling-Taou  or  de  Razzkias  trying  to  recon- 
noistre  the  general  Boukeleff,  man  may  not  say),  struggled 
apairendy  for  some  considerable  time,  (the  cradle  rocking  equally 

8i 


<2. 


f 


L  ^'  to  one  and  oppositely  from  the  other  on  its  law  of  capture  and 
^  t/^  recapture),  under  the  All  In  rules  around  the  booksafe,  fighting 
like  purple  top  and  tipperuhry  Swede,  (Secremented  Servious  of 
the  Divine  Zeal !)  and  in  the  course  of  their  tussle  the  toller  man, 
who  had  opened  his  bully  bowl  to  beg,  said  to  the  miner  who 
was  carrying  the  worm  (a  handy  term  for  the  portable  distillery 
which  consisted  of  three  vats,  two  jars  and  several  bottles  though 
we  purposely  say  nothing  of  the  stiff,  both  parties  having  an 
interest  in  the  spirits):  Let  me  go,  Pautheen!  I  hardly  knew  ye. 
Later  on,  after  the  solstitial  pause  for  refleshmeant,  the  same 
man  (or  a  different  and  younger  him  of  the  same  ham)  asked  in 
the  vermicular  with  a  very  oggly  chew-chin-grin:  Was  six  vic- 
tolios  fifteen  pigeon  takee  offa  you,  tell  he  me,  stlongfella,  by 
picky-pocky  ten  to  foul  months  behindaside?  There  were  some 
further  collidabanter  and  severe  tries  to  convert  for  the  best  part 
of  an  hour  and  now  a  woden  affair  in  the  shape  of  a  webley  (we 
at  once  recognise  our  old  friend  Ned  of  so  many  illortemporate 
letters)  fell  from  the  intruser  who,  as  stuck  as  that  cat  to  that 
mouse  in  that  tube  of  that  christchurch  organ,  (did  the  imnage  of 
Girl  Cloud  Pensive  flout  above  them  light  young  charm,  in 
ribbons  and  pigtail?)  whereupon  became  friendly  and,  saying  not 
his  shirt  to  tear,  to  know  wanted,  joking  and  knobkerries  all 
aside  laying,  if  his  change  companion  who  stuck  still  to  the  in- 
vention of  his  strongbox,  with  a  tenacity  corrobberating  their 
mutual  tenitorial  rights,  happened  to  have  the  loots  change  of 
a  tenpound  crickler  about  him  at  the  moment,  addling  that  hap 
so,  he  would  pay  him  back  the  six  vies  odd,  do  you  see,  out  of 
that  for  what  was  taken  on  the  man  of  samples  last  Yuni  or  Yuly, 
do  you  follow  me,  Capn?  To  this  the  other,  Billi  with  the  Boule, 
who  had  mummed  and  mauled  up  to  that  (for  he  was  hesitency 
carried  to  excelcism)  rather  amusedly  replied:  Woowoo  would 
you  be  grossly  surprised.  Hill,  to  learn  that,  as  it  so  happens,  I 
honestly  have  not  such  a  thing  as  the  loo,  as  the  least  chance  of 
a  tinpanned  crackler  anywhere  about  me  at  the  present  moho- 
moment  but  I  believe  I  can  see  my  way,  as  you  suggest,  it 
being  Yuletide  or  Yuddanfest  and  as  it's  mad  nuts,  son,  for  you 

82 


: 


when  it's  hatter's  hares,  mon,  for  me,  to  advance  you  something 
like  four  and  sevenpence  between  hopping  and  trapping  which 
you  might  just  as  well  have,  boy  baches,  to  buy  J.  J.  and  S.  with. 
There  was  a  minute  silence  before  memory's  fire's  rekindling  and 
then.  Heart  alive!  Which  at  very  first  wind  of  gay  gay  and  whisk- 
wigs  wick's  ears  pricked  up,  the  starving  gunman,  strike  him 
pink,  became  strangely  calm  and  forthright  sware  by  all  his  lards 
porsenal  that  the  thorntree  of  sheol  might  ramify  up  his  Sheo- 
fon  to  the  lux  apointlex  but  he  would  go  good  to  him  suntime 
marx  my  word  fort,  for  a  chip  off  the  old  Flint,  (in  the  Nichtian 
glossery  which  purveys  aprioric  roots  for  aposteriorious  tongues 
this  is  nat  language  at  any  sinse  of  the  world  and  one  might  as 
fairly  go  and  kish  his  sprogues  as  fail  to  certify  whether  the 
wartrophy  eluded  at  some  lives  earlier  was  that  somethink  like  a 
jug,  to  what,  a  coctable)  and  remarxing  in  languidoily,  seemingly 
much  more  highly  pleased  than  tongue  could  tell  at  this  opening 
of  a  lifetime  and  the  foretaste  of  the  Dun  Bank  pearlmothers 
and  the  boy  to  wash  down  which  he  would  feed  to  himself  in 
the  Ruadh  Cow  at  Tallaght  and  then  into  the  Good  Woman  at 
Ringsend  and  after  her  inat  Conway's  Inn  at  Blackrock  and,  first 
to  fall,  cursed  be  all,  where  appetite  would  keenest  be,  atte, 
funeral  fare  or  fun  fain  real,  Adam  and  Eve's  in  Quantity  Street 
by  the  grace  of  gamy  queen  Tailte,  her  will  and  testament:  You 
stunning  little  southdowner!  I'd  know  you  anywhere,  Declaney, 
let  me  truthfully  tell  you  in  or  out  of  the  lexinction  of  life  and 
who  the  hell  else,  be  your  blanche  patch  on  the  boney  part! 
Goalball  I've  struck  this  daylit  dielate  night  of  nights,  by  golly! 
My  hat,  you  have  some  bully  German  grit,  sundowner!  He 
spud  in  his  faust  (axin);  he  toped  the  raw  best  (pardun);  he 
poked  his  pick  (a  tip  is  a  tap):  and  he  tucked  his  friend's  leave.  And, 
with  French  hen  or  the  portlifowlium  of  hastes  and  leisures,  about 
to  continue  that,  the  queer  mixture  exchanged  the  pax  in  embrace 
or  poghue  puxy  as  practised  between  brothers  of  the  same  breast, 
hillelulia,  killelulia,  allenalaw,  and,  having  ratified  before  the 
god  of  the  day  their  torgantruce  which  belittlers  have  schmall- 
kalled  the  treatyng  to  cognac,  turning  his  fez  menialstrait  in  the 

83 


direction  of  Moscas,  he  first  got  rid  of  a  few  mitsmillers  and 
hurooshoos  and  levanted  off  with  tubular  jurbulance  at  a  bull's 
run  over  the  assback  bridge,  spitting  his  teeths  on  rooths,  with  the 
seven  and  four  in  danegeld  and  their  humoral  hurlbat  or  other 
uncertain  weapon  of  lignum  vitaey  but  so  evermore  rhumanasant  of 
a  toboggan  poop,  picked  up  to  keep  some  crowplucking  ap- 
pointment with  some  rival  rialtos  anywheres  between  Pearidge 
and  the  Littlehorn  while  this  poor  delaney,  who  they  left  along 
with  the  confederate  fender  behind  and  who  albeit  ballsbluffed, 
bore  up  wonderfully  wunder  all  of  it  with  a  whole  number  of 
plumsized  contusiums,  plus  alasalah  bruised  coccyx,  all  over  him, 
reported  the  occurance  in  the  best  way  he  could,  to  the  flabber- 
gaze  of  the  whole  lab,  giving  the  Paddybanners  the  military 
salute  as  for  his  exilicy's  the  O'Daffy,  in  justifiable  hope  that, 
in  nobiloroman  review  of  the  hugely  sitisfactuary  conclusium 
of  their  negotiations  and  the  jugglemonkysh  agripment  dein- 
derivative,  some  lotion  or  fomentation  of  poppyheads  would  be 
jennerously  exhibited  to  the  parts,  at  the  nearest  watchhouse  in 
Vicar  Lane,  the  white  ground  of  his  face  all  covered  with  diagon- 
ally redcrossed  nonfatal  mammalian  blood  as  proofpositive  of  the 
seriousness  of  his  character  and  that  he  was  bleeding  in  self 
defience  (stanch  it!)  from  the  nostrils,  lips,  pavilion  and  palate, 
while  some  of  his  hitter's  hairs  had  been  pulled  off  his  knut's 
head  by  Colt  though  otherwise  his  allround  health  appeared  to 
be  middling  along  as  it  proved  most  fortunate  that  not  one  of 
the  two  hundred  and  six  bones  and  five  hundred  and  one  muscles 
in  his  corso  was  a  whit  the  whorse  for  her  whacking.  Herwho? 

Nowthen,  leaving  clashing  ash,  brawn  and  muscle  and  brass- 
made  to  oust  earthernborn  and  rockcrystal  to  wreck  isinglass  but 
wurming  along  gradually  for  our  savings  backtowards  mother- 
waters  so  many  miles  from  bank  and  Dublin  stone  (olympiading 
even  till  the  eleventh  dynasty  to  reach  that  thuddysickend  Ham- 
laugh)  and  to  the  question  of  honey's  unlawfully  obtaining  a 
pierced  paraflamme  and  claptrap  fireguard  there  crops  out  the 
still  more  salient  point  of  the  politish  leanings  and  town  pursuits 
of  our  forebeer.  El  Don  De  Dunelli,  (may  his  ship  thicked  stick 

84 


in  the  bottol  of  the  river  and  all  his  crewsers  stock  locked  in  the 
burral  of  the  seas !)  who,  when  within  the  black  of  your  toenail, 
sir,  of  being  mistakenly  ambushed  by  one  of  the  uddahveddahs, 
and  as  close  as  made  no  matter,  mam,  to  being  kayoed  offhand 
when  the  hyougono  heckler  with  the  Peter  the  Painter  wanted 
to  hole  him,  was  consistently  practising  the  first  of  the  primary 
and  imprescriptible  liberties  of  the  pacific  subject  by  circulating 
(be  British,  boys  to  your  bellybone  and  chuck  a  chum  a  chance!) 
alongst  one  of  our  umphrohibited  semitary  thrufahrts,  open  to 
buggy  and  bike,  to  walk,  Wellington  Park  road,  with  the  curb 
or  quaker's  quacknostrum  under  his  auxter  and  his  alpenstuck  in 
his  redhand,  a  highly  commendable  exercise,  or,  number  two  of 
our  acta  legidma  plebeia^  on  the  brink  (beware  to  baulk  a  man  at 
his  will!)  of  taking  place  upon  a  public  seat,  to  what,  bare  by 
Butt's,  mqsieasterly  (but  all  goes  west !)  of  blackpool  bridges,  as 
a  public  protest  and  naturlikevice,  without  intent  to  annoy  either, 
being  praisegood  thankfully  for  the  wrathbereaved  ringdove  and 
the  fearstung  boaconstrictor  and  all  the  more  right  jollywell 
pleased,  which  he  was,  at  having  other  people's  weather. 

But  to  return  to  the  atlantic  and  Phenitia  Proper.  As  if  that 
were  not  to  be  enough  for  anyone  but  little  headway,  if  any,  was 
made  in  solving  the  wasnottobe  crime  cunundrum  when  a  child 
of  Maam,  Festy  King,  of  a  family  long  and  honourably  associ- 
ated with  the  tar  and  feather  industries,  who  gave  an  address  in 
old  plomansch  Mayo  of  the  Saxons  in  the  heart  of  a  foulfamed 
potheen  district,  was  subsequently  haled  up  at  the  Old  Bailey 
on  the  calends  of  Mars,  under  an  incompatibly  framed  indictment 
of  both  the  counts  (from  each  equinoxious  points  of  view,  the  one 
fellow's  fetch  being  the  other  follow's  person)  that  is  to  see,  flying 
cushats  out  of  his  ouveralls  and  making  fesses  immodst  his  forces 
on  the  field.  Oyeh!  Oyeh!  When  the  prisoner,  soaked  in  methyl- 
ated, appeared  in  dry  dock,  appatently  ambrosiaurealised,  like 
Kersse's  Korduroy  Karikature,  wearing,  besides  stains,  rents  and 
patches,  his  fight  shirt,  straw  braces,  souwester  and  a  policeman's 
corkscrew  trowswers,  all  out  of  the  true  (as  he  had  purposely  torn 
up  all  his  cymtrymanx  bespokes  in  the  mamertime),  deposing  for 

85 


his  exution  with  all  the  fluors  of  sparse  in  the  royal  Irish  vocabulary 
how  the  whole  padderjagmartin  tripiezite  suet  and  all  the  sulfeit 
of  copperas  had  fallen  off  him  quatz  unaccountably  like  the 
chrystalisations  of  Alum  on  Even  while  he  was  trying  for  to  stick 
fire  to  himcell,  (in  feacht  he  was  dripping  as  he  found  upon  strip- 
ping for  a  pipkin  ofmalt  as  he  feared  the  coold  raine)  it  was 
attempted  by  the  crown  (P.C.  Robort)  to  show  that  King,  elois 
Crowbar,  once  known  as  Meleky,  impersonating  a  climbing  boy, 
rubbed  some  pixes  of  any  luvial  peatsmoor  o'er  his  face,  plucks 
and  pussas,  with  a  clanetourf  as  the  best  means  of  disguising 
himself  and  was  to  the  middlewhite  fair  in  Mudford  of  a  Thoors- 
day,  feishts  of  Peeler  and  Pole,  under  the  illassumed  names  of 
Tykingfest  and  Rabworc  picked  by  him  and  Anthony  out  of  a 
tellafun  book,  ellegedly  with  a  pedigree  pig  (unlicensed)  and  a 
hyacinth.  They  were  on  that  sea  by  the  plain  of  Ir  nine  hundred 
and  ninetynine  years  and  they  never  cried  crack  or  ceased  from 
regular  paddlewicking  till  that  they  landed  their  two  and  a 
trifling  selves,  amadst  camel  and  ass,  greybeard  and  suckling, 
priest  and  pauper,  matrmatron  and  merrymeg,  into  the  meddle 
of  the  mudstorm.  The  gathering,  convened  by  the  Irish  Angri- 
cultural  and  Prepostoral  Ouraganisations,  to  help  the  Irish  muck 
to  look  his  brother  dane  in  the  face  and  attended  thanks  to 
Larry  by  large  numbers,  of  christies  and  jew's  totems,  tospite  of 
the  deluge,  was  distinctly  of  a  scattery  kind  when  the  bally- 
bricken  he  could  get  no  good  of,  after  cockofthewalking  through 
a  few  fancyfought  mains  ate  some  of  the  doorweg,  the  pikey 
later  selling  the  gentleman  ratepayer  because  she,  Francie's  sister, 
that  is  to  say,  ate  a  whole  side  of  his  (the  animal's)  sty,  on  a 
struggle  Street,  Qui  Sta  Troia^  in  order  to  pay  off,  hiss  or  lick, 
six  doubloons  fifteen  arrears  of  his,  the  villain's  not  the  rumbler's 
rent. 

Remarkable  evidence  was  given,  anon,  by  an  eye,  ear,  nose 
and  throat  witness,  whom  Wesleyan  chapelgoers  suspected  of 
being  a  plain  clothes  priest  W.P.,  situate  at  Nullnull,  Medical 
Square,  who,  upon  letting  down  his  rice  and  peacegreen  cover- 
disk  and  having  been  sullenly  cautioned  against  yawning  while 

86 


I 


i' 


being  grilled,  smiled  (he  had  had  a  onebumper  at  parting  from 
Mrs  Molroe  in  the  morning)  and  stated  to  his  eliciter  under  his 
morse  mustaccents  (gobbless !)  that  he  slept  with  a  bonafides  and 
that  he  would  be  there  to  remember  the  filth  of  November, 
hatinaring,  rowdy  O,  which,  with  the  jiboulees  of  Juno  and  the 
dates  of  ould  lanxiety,  was  going,  please  the  Rainmaker,  to 
decembs  within  the  ephemerides  of  profane  history,  all  one  with 
Tournay,  Yetstoslay  and  Temorah,  and  one  thing  which  would 
pigstickularly  strike  a  person  of  such  sorely  tried  observational 
powers  as  Sam,  him  and  Moffat,  though  theirs  not  to  reason  why, 
the  striking  thing  about  it  was  that  he  was  patrified  to  see,  hear, 
taste  and  smell,  as  his  time  of  night,  how  Hyacinth  O'Donnell, 
B.A.,  described  in  the  calendar  as  a  mixer  and  wordpainter,  with 
part  of  a  sivispacem  (Gaeltact  for  dungfork)  on  the  fair  green 
at  the  hour  of  twenty-four  o'clock  sought  (the  bullycassidy  of 
the  friedhoffer!)  to  sack,  sock,  stab  and  slaughter  singlehanded 
another  two  of  the  old  kings,  Gush  Mac  Gale  and  Roaring 
O'Crian,  Jr.,  both  changelings,  unlucalised,  of  no  address  and 
in  noncommunicables,  between  him  and  whom,  ever  since  wal- 
lops before  the  Mise  of  Lewes,  bad  blood  existed  on  the  ground 
of  the  boer's  trespass  on  the  bull  or  because  he  firstparted  his 
polarbeeber  hair  in  twoways,  or  because  they  were  creepfoxed 
andt  grousuppers  over  a  nippy  in  a  noveletta,  or  because  they 
could  not  say  meace,  (mute  and  daft)  meathe.  The  litigants,  he 
said,  local  congsmen  and  donalds,  kings  of  the  arans  and  the  dalk- 
eys,  kings  of  mud  and  tory,  even  the  goat  king  of  Killorglin, 
were  egged  on  by  their  supporters  in  the  shape  of  better  wo  men 
with  bowstrung  hair  of  Carrothagenuine  ruddiness,  waving  crim- 
son petties  and  screaming  from  Isod's  towertop.  There  were 
cries  from  the  thicksets  in  court  and  from  the  macdublins  on  the 
bohernabreen  of:  Mind  the  bank  from  Banagher,  Mick,  sir!  Pro- 
dooce  O'Donner.  Ay!  Exhibit  his  relics!  Bu!  Use  the  tongue 
mor!  Give  lip  less!  But  it  oozed  out  in  Deadman's  Dark  Scenery 
Court  through  crossexanimation  of  the  casehardened  testis  that 
when  and  where  that  knife  of  knifes  the  treepartied  ambush  was 
laid  (roughly  spouting  around  half  hours  'twixt  dusk  in  dawn, 

87 


by  Waierhose's  Meddle  Europeic  Time,  near  Stop  and  Think, 
high  chief  evervirens  and  only  abfalltree  in  auld  the  land)  there 
was  not  as  much  light  from  the  widowed  moon  as  would  dim  a 
child's  altar.  The  mixer,  accordingly,  was  bluntly  broached,  and 
in  the  best  basel  to  boot,  as  to  whether  he  was  one  of  those 
lucky  cocks  for  whom  the  audible-visible-gnosible-edible  world 
existed.  That  he  was  only  too  cognitively  conatively  cogitabun- 
dantly  sure  of  it  because,  living,  loving,  breathing  and  sleeping 
morphomelosophopancreates,  as  he  most  significantly  did,  when- 
ever he  thought  he  heard  he  saw  he  felt  he  made  a  bell  clipper- 
clipperclipperclipper.  Whether  he  was  practically  sure  too  of  his 
lugs  and  truies  names  in  this  king  and  blouseman  business?  That 
he  was  pediculously  so.  Certified.^  As  cad  could  be.  Be  lying !  Be 
the  lonee  I  will.  It  was  Morbus  O*  Somebody.'^  A' Quite.  Szer- 
day's  Son.'*  A  satyr  in  weddens.  And  how  did  the  greeneyed 
mister  arrive  at  the  B.A..'*  That  it  was  like  his  poll.  A  cross- 
grained  trapper  with  murty  odd  oogs,  awflorated  ares,  inquiline 
nase  and  a  twithcherous  mouph.'*  He  would  be.  Who  could  bit 
you  att  to  a  tenyerdfuul  when  aastalled,'^  Ballera  jobbera.  Some 
majar  bore  too.'*  Iguines.  And  with  tumblerous  legs,  redipnomi- 
nated  Helmingham  Erchenwyne  Rutter  Egbert  Crumwall  Odin 
Maximus  Esme  Saxon  Esa  Vercingetorix  Ethelwulf  Rupprecht 
Ydwalla  Bentley  Osmund  Dysart  Yggdrasselmann.'^  Holy  Saint 
Eiffel,  the  very  phoenix!  It  was  Chudley  Magnall  once  more 
between  the  deffodates  and  the  dumb  scene.'*  The  two  childspies 
waapreesing  him  auza  de  Vologue  but  the  renting  of  his  rock 
was  from  the  three  wicked  Vuncouverers  Forests  bent  down 
awhits,  arthou  sure.'*  Yubeti,  Cumbilum  comes!  One  of  the  ox- 
men's  thingabossers,  hvad.'*  And  had  he  been  refresqued  by  the 
founts  of  bounty  playing  there  —  is  —  a  —  pain  —  aleland  in 
Long's  gourgling  barral.'^  A  loss  of  Lorded  ward  and  a  lack  of  sir- 
philip  a  surgeonet  showeradown  could  suck  more  gargling 
bubbles  out  of  thejfive  lamps  in  Portterand's  praise.  Wirrgeling 
and  maries.'*  As  whose  wouldn't,  laving  his  leaftime  in  Black- 
pool. But,  of  course,  he  could  call  himself  Tem,  too,  if  he  had 
time  to.'^  You  butt  he  could  anytom.  When  he  pleased?  Win  and 


88 


jl 
i 


I 


place.  A  stoker  temptated  by  evesdripping  aginst  the  driver  who 
was  a  witness  as  well?  Sacred  avatar,  how  the  devil  did  they 
guess  it!  Two  dreamyums  in  one  dromium?  Yes  and  no  error. 
And  both  as  like  as  a  duel  of  lentils?  Peacisely.  So  he  was  pelted 
out  of  the  coram  populo,  was  he?  Be  the  powers  that  be  he  was. 
The  prince  in  principel  should  not  expose  his  person?  Mac- 
chevuole!  Rooskayman  kamerad?  Sooner  Gallwegian  he  would 
say.  Not  unintoxicated,  fair  witness?  Drunk  as  a  fishup.  Askt  to 
whether  she  minded  whither  he  smuked?  Not  if  he  barkst  into 
phlegms.  Anent  his  ajaciulations  to  his  Crosscann  Lorne,  cossa? 
It  was  corso  in  cursu  on  coarser  again.  The  gracious  miss  was 
we  not  doubt  sensible  how  yellowatty  on  the  forx  was  altered? 
That  she  esually  was,  O'Dowd  me  not!  As  to  his  religion,  if 
any?  It  was  the  see-you-Sunday  sort.  Exactly  what  he  meant  by 
a  pederast  prig?  Bejacob's,  just  a  gent  who  prayed  his  lent.  And 
if  middleclassed  portavorous  was  a  usual  beast?  Bynight  as  useful 
as  a  vomit  to  a  shorn  man.  If  he  had  rognarised  dtheir  gcourts 
marsheyls?  Dthat  nday  in  ndays  he  had.  Lindendelly,  coke  or 
skilllies  spell  me  gart  without  a  gate?  Harlyadrope.  The  grazing » 
rights  (Mrs  Magistra  Martinetta)  expired  with  the  expiry  of  the 
goat's  sire,  if  they  were  not  mistaken?  That  he  exactly  could  not 
tell  the  worshipfuls  but  his  mother-in- waders  had  the  recipis  for 
the  price  of  the  coffin  and  that  he  was  there  to  tell  them  that 
herself  was  the  velocipede  that  could  tell  them  kitcat.  A  maun- 
darin  tongue  in  a  pounderin  jowl?  Father  ourder  about  the 
mathers  of  prenanciation.  Distributary  endings?  And  we  recom- 
mends. Quare  hiTcum?  No  answer.  Unde  gentium  fe  , , No  ah. 
Are  you  not  danzzling  on  the  age  of  a  vulcano?  Siar,  I  am  deed. 
And  how  olid  of  him?  He  was  intendant  to  study  pulu.  Which 
was  meant  in  a  shirt  of  two  shifts  macoghamade  or  up  Finn, 
threehatted  ladder?  That  a  head  in  thighs  under  a  bush  at  the 
sunface  would  bait  a  serpent  to  a  millrace  through  the  heather. 
Arm  bird  colour  defdum  ethnic  fort  perharps?  Sure  and  glomsk 
handy  jotalpheson  as  well.  Hokey  jasons,  then,  in  a  pigeegeeses? 
On  a  pontiff's  order  as  ture  as  there's  an  ital  on  atac.  As  a  gololy 
bit  to  joss?  Leally  and  tululy.  But,  why  this  hankowchaff  and 

89 


whence  this  second  tone,  son-yet-sun?  He  had  the  cowtaw  in  his 
buxers  flay  of  face.  So  this  that  Solasistras,  setting  odds  evens  at 
defiance,  took  the  laud  from  Labouriter?  What  displaced  Tob, 
Dilke  and  Halley,  not  been  greatly  in  love  with  the  game.  And, 
changing  the  venders,  from  the  king's  head  to  the  republican's 
arms,  as  to  the  pugnaxities  evinxed  from  flagfall  to  antepost 
during  the  effrays  round  fatherthyme's  beckside  and  the  regents 
in  the  plantsown  raining,  with  the  skiddystars  and  the  morkern- 
windup,  how  they  appealed  to  him  then.^  That  it  was  wildfires 
night  on  all  the  bettygallaghers.  Mickmichael's  soords  shrieking 
shrecks  through  the  wilkinses  and  neckanicholas'  toastingforks 
pricking  prongs  up  the  tunnybladders.  Let  there  be  fight.'^  And 
there  was.  Foght.  On  the  site  of  the  Angel's,  you  said.'^  Guinney's 
Gap,  he  said,  between  what  they  said  and  the  pussykitties.  In  the 
middle  of  the  garth,  then.^  That  they  mushn't  toucht  it.  The  de- 
voted couple  was  or  were  only  two  disappainted  solicitresses  on 
the  job  of  the  unfortunate  class  on  Saturn's  mountain  fort.'^  That 
was  about  it,  jah!  And  Camellus  then  said  to  Gemellus:  I  should 
know  you?  Parfaitly.  And  Gemellus  then  said  to  Camellus:  Yes, 
your  brother.^  Obsolutely.  And  if  it  was  all  about  that,  egregious 
sir.'^  About  that  and  the  other.  If  he  was  not  alluding  to  the  whole 
in  the  wall.'^  That  he  was  when  he  was  not  eluding  from  the  whole 
of  the  woman.  Briefly,  how  such  beginall  finally  struck  him  now.'^ 
Like  the  crack  that  bruck  the  bank  in  Multifarnham.  Whether  he 
fell  in  with  what  they  meant.'*  Cursed  that  he  suppoxed  he  did. 
Thos  Thoris,  Thomar's  Thom.'^  The  rudacist  rotter  in  Roebuck- 
dom.  Surtopical.'^  And  subhuman.  If  it  was,  in  yappanoise  lan- 
guage, ach  bad  clap.'^  Oo!  Ah!  Augs  and  ohrs  with  Rhian  O'- 
kehley  to  put  it  tertianly,  we  wrong .'^  Shocking!  Such  as  turly 
pearced  our  realty's  that  he  might,  that  he  might  never,  that  he 
might  never  that  night?  Treely  and  rurally.  Bladyughfoulmoeck- 
lenburgwhurawhorascortastrumpapomanennykocksapastippata  - 
ppatupperstrippuckputtanach,  eh?  You  have  it  alright. 

Meirdreach  an  Oincuish !  But  a  new  complexion  was  put  upon 
the  matter  when  to  the  perplexedly  uncondemnatory  bench 
(whereon  punic  judgeship  strove  with  penal  law)  the  senior 

90 


6^ 


king  of  all,  Pegger  Festy,  as  soon  as  the  outer  layer  of  stuccko- 
muck  had  been  removed  at  the  request  of  a  few  live  jurors, 
declared  in  a  loudburst  of  poesy,  through  his  Brythonic  inter- 
preter on  his  oath,  mhuith  peisth  mhuise  as  fearra  bheura  muirre 
hriosmas,  whereas  take  notice  be  the  relics  of  the  bones  of  the 
story  bouchal  that  was  ate  be  Cliopatrick  (the  sow)  princess 
of  parked  porkers,  afore  God  and  all  their  honours  and  king's 
commons  that,  what  he  would  swear  to  the  Tierney  of  Dundal- 
gan  or  any  other  Tierney,  yif  live  thurkells  folloged  him  about 
sure  that  was  no  steal  and  that,  nevertheless,  what  was  deposited 
from  that  eyebold  earbig  noseknaving  gutthroat,  he  did  not  fire 
a  stone  either  before  or  after  he  was  bom  down  and  up  to  that 
time.  And,  incidentalising  that  they  might  talk  about  Markarthy 
or  they  might  walk  to  Baalastartey  or  they  might  join  the  nabour 
party  and  come  on  to  Porterfeud  this  the  sockdologer  had  the 
neck  to  endorse  with  the  head  bowed  on  him  over  his  outturned 
noreaster  by  protesting  to  his  lipreaders  with  a  justbeencleaned 
barefacedness,  abeam  of  moonlight's  hope,  in  the  same  trelawney 
what  he  would  impart,  pleas  bench,  to  the  Llwyd  Josus  and  the 
gentlemen  in  Jury's  and  the  four  of  Masterers  who  had  been  all 
those  yarns  yearning  for  that  good  one  about  why  he  left 
Dublin,  that,  amreeta  beaker  coddling  doom,  as  an  Inishman  was 
as  good  as  any  cantonnatal,  if  he  was  to  parish  by  the  market  steak 
before  the  dorming  of  the  mawn,  he  skuld  never  ask  to  see  sight  or 
light  of  this  world  or  the  other  world  or  any  either  world,  of  Tyre- 
nan- Og,  as  true  as  he  was  there  in  that  jackabox  that  minute,  or 
wield  or  wind  (no  thanks  t'yous  1)  the  inexousthausthible  wassail- 
horn  tot  of  iskybaush  the  hailth  up  the  wailth  of  the  endknown  ab- 
god  of  the  fire  of  the  moving  way  of  the  hawks  with  his  heroes  in 
Warhorror  if  ever  in  all  his  exchequered  career  he  up  or  lave  a 
chancery  hand  to  take  or  throw  the  sign  of  a  mortal  stick  or  stone 
at  man,  yoelamb  or  salvation  army  either  before  or  after  being 
puptised  down  to  that  most  holy  and  every  blessed  hour.  Here, 
upon  the  halfkneed  castleknocker's  attempting  kithoguishly  to 
lilt  his  holymess  the  paws  and  make  the  sign  of  the  Roman  God- 
helic  faix,  (Xaroshie,  zdrst!  —  in  his  excitement  the  laddo  had 

91 


broken  exthro  Castilian  into  which  the  whole  audience  perse- 
guired  and  pursuited  him  olla  podridd)  outbroke  much  yellach- 
ters  from  owners  in  the  heall  (Ha!)  in  which,  under  the  mollifi- 
cation of  methaglin,  the  testifighter  reluctingly,  but  with  ever  so 
ladylike  indecorum,  joined.  (Ha!  Ha!) 

The  hilariohoot  of  Pegger's  Windup  cumjustled  as  neatly 
with  the  tristitone  of  the  Wet  Pinter's  as  were  they  isce  et  ilk 
equals  of  opposites,  evolved  by  a  onesame  power  of  nature  or  of 
spirit,  iste^  as  the  sole  condition  and  means  of  its  himundher 
manifestation  and  polarised  for  reunion  by  the  symphysis  of 
their  antipathies.  Distinctly  different  were  their  duasdestinies. 
Whereas  the  maidies  of  the  bar,  (a  pairless  trentene,  a  lunarised 
score)  when  the  eranthus  myrrmyrred:  Show'm  the  Posed: 
fluttered  and  flattered  around  the  willingly  pressed,  nominating 
him  for  the  swiney  prize,  complimenting  him,  the  captivating 
youth,  on  his  having  all  his  senses  about  him,  stincking  thyacinths 
through  his  curls  (O  feen!  O  deur!)  and  bringing  busses  to  his 
cheeks,  their  masculine  Oirisher  Rose  (his  neece  cleur!),  and 
legando  round  his  nice  new  neck  for  him  and  pizzicagnoling  his 
woolywags,  with  their  dindy  dandy  sugar  de  candy  mechree  me 
postheen  flowns  courier  to  belive  them  of  all  his  untiring  young 
dames  and  send  treats  in  their  times.  Ymen.  But  it  was  not  un- 
observed of  those  presents,  their  worships,  how,  of  one  among 
all,  her  deputised  to  defeme  him  by  the  Lunar  Sisters'  Celibacy 
Club,  a  lovelooking  leapgirl,  all  all  alonely,  Gentia  Gemma  of  the 
Makegiddyculling  Reeks,  he,  wan  and  pale  in  his  unmixed  admir- 
ation, seemed  blindly,  mutely,  tastelessly,  tactlessly,  innamorate 
with  heruponhim  in  shining  aminglement,  the  shaym  of  his  hisu 
shifting  into  the  shimmering  of  her  hers,  (youthsy,  beautsy,  hee's 
her  chap  and  shey'll  tell  memmas  when  she  gays  whom)  till  the 
wild  wishwish  of  her  sheeshea  melted  most  musically  mid  the 
dark  deepdeep  of  his  shayshaun. 

And  whereas  distracted  (for  was  not  just  this  in  effect  which 
had  just  caused  that  the  effect  of  that  which  it  had  caused  to  oc- 
cur?) the  four  justicers  laid  their  wigs  together,  Untius,  Mun- 
cius,  Punchus  and  Pylax  but  could  do  no  worse  than  promulgate 

92 


their  standing  verdict  of  Nolans  Brumans  whereoneafter  King, 
having  murdered  all  the  English  he  knew,  picked  out  his  pockets 
and  left  the  tribunal  scotfree,  trailing  his  Tommeylommey's  tunic 
in  his  hurry,  thereinunder  proudly  showing  off  the  blink  pitch  to 
his  britgits  to  prove  himself  (an't  plase  yous!)  a  rael  genteel.  To 
the  Switz  bobbyguard's  curial  but  courtlike:  Commodore  valley  O 
hairy,  Arthre  jennyrosy?:  the  firewaterloover  returted  with  such  a 
vinesmelling  fortytudor  ages  rawdownhams  tanyouhide  as  would 
turn  the  latten  stomach  even  of  a  tumass  equinous  (we  were  pre- 
pared for  the  chap's  clap  cap,  the  accent,  but,  took  us  as,  by  surprise 
and  now  we're  geshing  it  like  gush  gash  from  a  burner !)  so  that  all 
the  twofromthirty  advocatesses  within  echo,  pulling  up  their  briefs 
at  the  krigkry:  Shun  the  Punman!:  safely  and  soundly  soccered 
that  fenemine  Parish  Poser,  (how  dare  he!)  umprumptu  right- 
oway  hames,  much  to  his  thanks,  gratiasagam,  to  all  the  wrong 
donatrices,  biss  Drinkbattle's  Dingy  Dwellings  where  (for  like 
your  true  venuson  Esau  he  was  dovetimid  as  the  dears  at 
Bottome)  he  shat  in  (zoo),  like  the  muddy  goalbind  who  he  was 
(dun),  the  chassetitties  belles  conclaiming:  You  and  your  gift  of 
your  gaft  of  your  garbage  abaht  our  Farvver!  and  gaingridando: 
Hon!  Verg!  Nau!  Putor!  Skam!  Schams!  Shames! 

And  so  it  all  ended.  Artha  kam.a  dharma  moksa.  Ask  Kavya  for 
the  kay.  And  so  everybody  heard  their  plaint  and  all  listened  to 
their  plause.  The  letter!  The  litter!  And  the  soother  the  bitther! 
Of  eyebrow  pencilled,  by  lipstipple  penned.  Borrowing  a  word 
and  begging  the  question  and  stealing  tinder  and  slipping  like 
soap.  From  dark  Rosa  Lane  a  sigh  and  a  weep,  from  Lesbia 
Looshe  the  beam  in  her  eye,  from  lone  Coogan  Barry  his  arrow 
of  song,  from  Sean  Kelly's  anagrim  a  blush  at  the  name,  from 
I  am  the  Sullivan  that  trumpeting  tramp,  from  Suffering  Duf- 
ferin  the  Sit  of  her  Style,  from  Kathleen  May  Vernon  her  Mebbe 
fair  efforts,  from  Fillthepot  Curran  his  scotchlove  machree- 
ther,  from  hymn  Op.  2  Phil  Adolphos  the  weary  O,  the  leery, 
O,  from  Samyouwill  Leaver  or  Damyouwell  Lover  that  jolly 
old  molly  bit  or  that  bored  saunter  by,  from  Timm  Finn  again's 
weak  tribes  loss  of  strenghth  to  his  sowheel,  from  the  wedding 

93 


on  the  greene,  agirlies,  the  gretnass  of  joyboys,  from  Pat  Mullen, 
Tom  Mallon,  Dan  Meldon,  Don  Maldon  a  slickstick  picnic  made 
in  Moate  by  Muldoons.  The  solid  man  saved  by  his  sillied  woman. 
Crackajolking  away  like  a  hearse  on  fire.  The  elm  that  whimpers 
at  the  top  told  the  stone  that  moans  when  stricken.  Wind  broke 
it.  Wave  bore  it.  Reed  wrote  of  it.  Syce  ran  with  it.  Hand  tore 
it  and  wild  went  war.  Hen  trieved  it  and  plight  pledged  peace. 
It  was  folded  with  cunning,  sealed  with  crime,  uptied  by  a  harlot, 
undone  by  a  child.  It  was  life  but  was  it  fair.'^  It  was  free  but  was 
it  art.^  The  old  hunks  on  the  hill  read  it  to  perlection.  It  made 
ma  make  merry  and  sissy  so  shy  and  rubbed  some  shine  off  Shem 
and  put  some  shame  into  Shaun.  Yet  Una  and  Ita  spill  famine 
with  drought  and  Agrippa,  the  propastored,  spells  tripulations 
in  his  threne.  Ah,  furchte  fruchte,  timid  Danaides !  Ena  milo  melo- 
mon,  frai  is  frau  and  swee  is  too,  swee  is  two  when  swoo  is  free, 
ana  mala  woe  is  we!  A  pair  of  sycopanties  with  amygdaleine 
eyes,  one  old  obster  lumpky  pumpkin  and  three  meddlars  on 
their  slies.  And  that  was  how  framm  Sin  fromm  Son,  acity  arose, 
finfin  funfun,  a  sitting  arrows.  Now  tell  me,  tell  me,  tell  me  then! 

What  was  it.'^ 

A  ! 

?  O! 

So  there  you  are  now  there  they  were,  when  all  was  over 
again,  the  four  with  them,  setting  around  upin  their  judges' 
chambers,  in  the  muniment  room,  of  their  marshalsea,  under  the 
suspices  of  Lally,  around  their  old  traditional  tables  of  the  law 
like  Somany  Solans  to  talk  it  over  rallthesameagain.  Well  and 
druly  dry.  Suffering  law  the  dring.  Accourting  to  king's  evelyns. 
So  help  her  goat  and  kiss  the  bouc.  Festives  and  highajinks  and 
jintyaun  and  her  beetyrossy  bettydoaty  and  not  to  forget  now 
a'duna  o'darnel.  The  four  of  them  and  thank  court  now  there 
were  no  more  of  them.  So  pass  the  push  for  port  sake.  Be  it  soon. 
Ah  ho!  And  do  you  remember,  Singabob,  the  badfather,  the 
same,  the  great  Howdoyoucallem,  and  his  old  nickname.  Dirty 
Daddy  Pantaloons,  in  his  monopoleums,  behind  the  war  of  the 
two  roses,  with  Michael  Victory,  the  sheemen's  preester,  before 

94 


he  caught  his  paper  dispillsation  from  the  poke,  old  Minace  and 
Minster  York?  Do  I  mind?  I  mind  the  gush  off  the  mon  like  Bal- 
lybock  manure  works  on  a  tradewinds  day.  And  the  O'Moyly 
grades  and  the  O' Briny  rossies  chaffing  him  bluchface  and  play- 
ing him  pranks.  How  do  you  do,  todo,  North  Mister?  Get  into 
my  way!  Ah  dearome  forsailoshe!  Gone  over  the  bays!  When 
ginabawdy  meadabawdy!  Yerra,  why  would  he  heed  that  old 
gasometer  with  his  hooping  coppin  and  his  dyinboosycough  and 
all  the  birds  of  the  southside  after  her,  Minxy  Cunningham,  their 
dear  divorcee  darling,  jimmies  and  jonnies  to  be  her  jo?  Hold 
hard.  There's  three  other  corners  to  our  isle's  cork  float.  Sure,  'tis 
well  I  can  telesmell  him  Hg  C  Eg  that  would  take  a  township's 
breath  away!  Gob  and  I  nose  him  too  well  as  I  do  meself,  heav- 
ing up  the  Kay  Wall  by  the  32  to  11  with  his  limelooking  horse- 
bags  full  of  sesameseed,  the  Whiteside  Kaffir,  and  his  say  man's 
effluvium  and  his  scentpainted  voice,  puffing  out  his  thundering 
big  brown  cabbage!  Pa!  Thawt  I'm  glad  a  gull  for  his  pawsdeen 
fiunn!  Goborro,  sez  he,  Lankyshied!  Gobugga  ye,  sez  I!  O 
breezes!  I  sniffed  that  lad  long  before  anyone.  It  was  when  I  was 
in  my  farfather  out  at  the  west  and  she  and  myself,  the  redheaded 
girl,  firstnighting  down  Sycomore  Lane.  Fine  feelplay  we  had 
of  it  mid  the  kissabetts  frisking  in  the  kool  kurkle  dusk  of  the 
lushiness.  My  perfume  of  the  pampas,  says  she  (meaning  me) 
putting  out  her  netherlights,  and  I'd  sooner  one  precious  sip  at 
your  pure  mountain  dew  than  enrich  my  acquaintance  with  that 
big  brewer's  belch. 

And  so  they  went  on,  the  fourbottle  men,  the  analists,  ungu- 
am  and  nunguam  and  lunguam  again,  their  anschluss  about  her 
whosebefore  and  his  whereafters  and  how  she  was  lost  away 
away  in  the  fern  and  how  he  was  founded  deap  on  deep  in  anear, 
and  the  rustlings  and  the  twitterings  and  the  raspings  and  the 
snappings  and  the  sighings  and  the  paintings  and  the  ukukuings 
and  the  (hist!)  the  springapartings  and  the  (hast!)  the  bybyscutt- 
lings  and  all  the  scandalmunkers  and  the  pure  craigs  that  used  to 
be  (up)  that  time  living  and  lying  and  rating  and  riding  round 
Nunsbelly  Square.  And  all  the  buds  in  the  bush.  And  the  laugh- 

95 


ing  jackass.  Harik!  Harik!  Harik!  The  rose  is  white  in  the  darik! 
And  Sunfella's  nose  has  got  rhinoceritis  from  haunting  the  roes 
in  the  parik!  So  all  rogues  lean  to  rhyme.  And  contradrinking 
themselves  about  Lillytrilly  law  pon  hilly  and  Mrs  Niall  of  the 
Nine  Corsages  and  the  old  markiss  their  besterfar,  and,  arrah, 
sure  there  was  never  a  marcus  at  all  at  all  among  the  manlies  and 
dear  Sir  Armoury,  queer  Sir  Rumoury,  and  the  old  house  by  the 
churpelizod,  and  all  the  goings  on  so  very  wrong  long  before 
when  they  were  going  on  retreat,  in  the  old  gammeldags,  the 
four  of  them,  in  Milton's  Park  under  lovely  Father  Whisperer 
and  making  her  love  with  his  stufTstuff  in  the  languish  of  flowers 
and  feeling  to  find  was  she  mushymushy,  and  wasn't  that  very 
both  of  them,  the  saucicissters,  a  drahereen  o  machreel^  and  (peep!) 
meeting  waters  most  improper  (peepette!)  ballround  the  garden, 
trickle  trickle  trickle  triss,  please,  miman,  may  I  go  flirting.'^ 
farmers  gone  with  a  groom  and  how  they  used  her,  mused  her, 
licksed  her  and  cuddled.  I  differ  with  ye !  Are  you  sure  of  your- 
self now.'^  You're  a  liar,  excuse  me!  I  will  not  and  you're  an- 
other !  And  Lully  holding  their  breach  of  the  peace  for  them.  Pool 
loll  Lolly!  To  give  and  to  take!  And  to  forego  the  pasht!  And 
all  will  be  forgotten!  Ah  ho!  It  was  too  too  bad  to  be  falling 
out  about  her  kindness  pet  and  the  shape  of  00000000 
Ourang's  time.  Well,  all  right,  Lelly.  And  shakeahand.  And 
schenkusmore.  For  Craig  sake.  Be  it  suck. 
Well.? 

Well,  even  should  not  the  framing  up  of  such  figments  in  the 
evidential  order  bring  the  true  truth  to  light  as  fortuitously  as 
a  dim  seer's  setting  of  a  starchart  might  (heaven  helping  it!)  un- 
cover the  nakedness  of  an  unknown  body  in  the  fields  of  blue 
or  as  forehearingly  as  the  sibspeeches  of  all  mankind  have  foli- 
ated (earth  seizing  them!)  from  the  root  of  some  funner's  stotter 
all  the  soundest  sense  to  be  found  immense  our  special  mentalists 
now  holds  {securus  iudicat  orbis  terrarum)  that  by  such  playing 
possum  our  hagious  curious  encestor  bestly  saved  his  brush  with 
his  posterity,  you,  charming  coparcenors,  us,  heirs  of  his  tailsie. 
Gundogs  of  all  breeds  were  beagling  with  renouncedoirbiandor- 

96  ~^ 


bkj^ugles,  hot  to  run  him,  given  law,  on  a  scent  breasthigh, 
keen  for  the  worry.  View!  From  his  holt  outratted  across  the 
Juletide's  genial  corsslands  of  Humfries  Chase  from  Mullinahob 
and  Peacockstown,  then  bearing  right  upon  Tankardstown,  the 
outlier,  a  white  noelan  which  Mr  Loewensteil  Fitz  Urse's  basset 
beaters  had  first  misbadgered  for  a  bruin  of  some  swart,  led 
bayers  the  run,  then  through  Raystown  and  Horlockstown  and, 
louping  the  loup,  to  Tankardstown  again.  Ear  canny  hare  for 
doubling  through  Cheeverstown  they  raced  him,  through 
Loughlinstown  and  Nutstown  to  wind  him  by  the  Boolies.  But 
from  the  good  turn  when  he  last  was  lost,  check,  upon  Ye  Hill 
of  Rut  in  full  winter  coat  with  ticker  pads,  pointing  for  his  room- 
ing house  his  old  nordest  in  his  rolltoproyal  hessians  a  deaf  fuch- 
ser's  volponism  hid  him  close  in  covert,  miraculously  ravenfed 
and  buoyed  up,  in  rumer,  reticule,  onasum  and  abomasum,  upon 
(may  AUbrewham  have  his  mead!)  the  creamclotted  sherriness  of 
cinnamon  syllabub,  Mikkelraved,  Nikkelsaved.  Hence  hounds 
hied  home.  Preservative  perseverance  in  the  reeducation  of  his 
intestines  was  the  rebuttal  by  whilk  he  sort  of  git  the  big  bulge 
on  the  whole  bunch  of  spasoakers,  dieting  against  glues  and  gra- 
vies, in  that  sometime  prestreet  protown.  Vainly  violence,  viru- 
lence and  vituperation  sought  wellnigh  utterly  to  attax  and  a- 
bridge,  to  derail  and  depontify,  to  enrate  and  inroad,  to  ongoad 
and  unhume  the  great  shipping  mogul  and  under  linen  overlord. 

But  the  spoil  of  hesitants,  the  spell  of  hesitency.  His  atake  is 
it  ashe,  tittery  taw  tatterytail,  hasitense  humponadimply,  heyhey- 
heyhey  a  winceywencky. 

Assembly  men  murmured.    Reynard  is  slow! 

One  feared  for  his  days.  Did  there  yawn.^  'Twas  his  stom- 
mick.  Eruct.^  The  libber.  A  gush.^  From  his  visuals.  Pung.^  De- 
livver  him,  orelode !  He  had  laid  violent  hands  on  himself,  it  was 
brought  in  Fugger's  Newsletter,  lain  down,  all  in,  fagged  out, 
with  equally  melancholy  death.  For  the  triduum  of  Saturnalia 
his  goatservant  had  paraded  hiz  willingsons  in  the  Forum  while 
the  jenny  infanted  the  lass  to  be  greeted  raucously  (the  Yardstat- 
ed)  with  houx  and  epheus  and  measured  with  missiles  too  from 

97 


a  hundred  of  manhood  and  a  wimmering  of  weibes.  Big  went 
the  bang:  then  wildewide  was  quiet:  a  report:  silence:  last  Fama 
put  it  under  ether.  The  noase  or  the  loal  had  dreven  him  blem, 
blem,  stun  blem.  Sparks  flew.  He  had  fled  again  (open  shun- 
shema!)  this  country  of  exile,  sloughed  off,  sidleshomed  via  the 
subterranean  shored  with  bedboards,  stowed  away  and  ankered 
in  a  dutch  bottom  tank  the  Arsa,  hod  S,S.  Finlandia,  and  was 
even  now  occupying,  under  an  islamitic  newhame  in  his  seventh 
generation,  a  physical  body  Cornelius  Magrath's  (badoldkarak- 
ter,  commonorrong  canbung)  in  Asia  Major,  where  as  Turk  of 
the  theater  (first  house  all  flatty:  the  king,  eleven  sharps)  he  had 
bepiastered  the  buikdanseuses  from  the  opulence  of  his  omni- 
box  while  as  arab  at  the  streetdoor  he  bepestered  the  bumbashaws 
for  the  alms  of  a  para's  pence.  Wires  hummed.  Peacefully  general 
astonishment  assisted  by  regrettitude  had  put  a  term  till  his  exis- 
tence: he  saw  the  family  saggarth,  resigned,  put  off  his  remain- 
ders, was  recalled  and  scrapheaped  by  the  Maker.  Chirpings 
crossed.  An  infamous  private  ailment  (vulgovarioveneral)  had 
claimed  endright,  closed  his  vicious  circle,  snap.  Jams  jarred. 
He  had  walked  towards  the  middle  of  an  ornamental  lilypond 
when  innebriated  up  to  the  point  where  braced  shirts  meet  knic- 
kerbockers, as  wangfish  daring  the  buoyant  waters,  when  rod- 
men's  firstaiding  hands  had  rescued  un  from  very  possibly  several 
feel  of  demifrish  water.  Mush  spread.  On  Umbrella  Street  where 
he  did  drinks  from  a  pumps  a  kind  of  workman,  Mr  Whitlock, 
gave  him  a  piece  of  wood.  What  words  of  power  were  made  fas 
between  them,  ekenames  and  auchnomes,  acnomina  ecnumina? 
That,  O  that,  did  Hansard  tell  us,  would  gar  ganz  Dub's  ear 
wag  in  every  pub  of  all  the  citta!  Batty  believes  a  baton  while 
Hogan  hears  a  hod  yet  Heer  prefers  a  punsil  shapner  and  Cope 
and  Bull  go  cup  and  ball.  And  the  Cassidy  —  Craddock  rome 
and  reme  round  e'er  a  wiege  ne'er  a  waage  is  still  immer  and 
immor  awagering  over  it,  a  cradle  with  a  care  in  it  or  a  casket 
with  a  kick  behind.  Toties  testies  quoties  questies.  The  war  is 
in  words  and  the  wood  is  the  world.  Maply  me,  willowy  we, 
hickory  he  and  yew  yourselves.  Howforliim  chirrupeth  evereach- 

98 


4 


I 


bird!  From  golddawn  glory  to  glowworm  gleam.  We  were 
lowquacks  did  we  not  tacit  turn.  Elsewere  there  here  no  con- 
cern of  the  Guinnesses.  But  only  the  ruining  of  the  rain  has 
heard.  Estout  pourporteral!  Cracklings  cricked.  A  human  pest 
cycling  (pist!)  and  recycling  (past!)  about  the  sledgy  streets,  here 
he  was  (pust!)  again!  Morse  nuisance  noised.  He  was  loose  at 
large  and  (Oh  baby!)  might  be  anywhere  when  a  disguised  ex- 
nun,  of  huge  standbuild  and  masculine  manners  in  her  fairly  fat 
forties,  Carpulenta  Gygasta,  hattracted  hattention  by  harbitrary 
conduct  with  a  homnibus.  Aerials  buzzed  to  coastal  listeners  of 
an  oertax  bror  collector's  budget,  fullybigs,  sporran,  tie,  tuft, 
tabard  and  bloody  antichill  cloak,  its  tailor's  (Baernfather's)  tab 
reading  V.P.H.,  found  nigh  Scaldbrothar's  Hole,  and  divers 
shivered  to  think  what  kaind  of  beast,  wolves,  croppis's  or  four- 
penny  friars,  had  devoured  him.  C.  W.  cast  wide.  Hvidfinns  lyk, 
drohneth  svertgleam,  Valkir  lockt.  On  his  pinksir's  postern,  the 
boys  had  it,  at  Whitweekend  had  been  nailed  an  inkedup  name 
and  title,  inscribed  in  the  national  cursives,  accelerated,  regres- 
sive, filiform,  turreted  and  envenomoloped  in  piggotry:  Move 
up.  Mumpty!  Mike  room  for  Rumpty!  By  order,  Nickekellous 
Plugg;  and  this  go,  no  pentecostal  jest  about  it,  how  gregarious 
his  race  soever  or  skilful  learned  wise  cunning  knowledgable 
clear  profound  his  saying  fortitudo  fraught  or  prudentiaproven, 
were  he  chief,  count,  general,  fieldmarshal,  prince,  king  or  Myles 
the  Slasher  in  his  person,  with  a  moliamordhar  mansion  in  the 
Breffnian  empire  and  a  place  of  inauguration  on  the  hill  of  Tully- 
mongan,  there  had  been  real  murder,  of  the  rayheallach  royghal 
raxacraxian  variety,  the  MacMahon  chaps,  it  was,  that  had  done 
him  in.  On  the  fidd  of  Verdor  the  rampart  combatants  had  left 
him  lion  with  his  dexter  handcoup  wresterected  in  a  pureede 
paumee  bloody  proper.  Indeed  not  a  few  thick  and  thin  well- 
wishers,  mostly  of  the  clontarfminded  class,  (Colonel  John  Bawle 
O'Roarke,  fervxamplus),  even  ventured  so  far  as  to  loan  or  beg 
copies  of  D.  Blayncy's  trilingual  triweekly,  Scatterbrains'  Aften- 
ing  Posht,  so  as  to  make  certain  sure  onetime  and  be  satisfied  of 
their  quasicontribusodalitarian's  having  become  genuinely  quite 

99 


beetly  dead  whether  by  land  whither  by  water.  Transocean 
atalaclamoured  him;  The  latter!  The  latter!  Shall  their  hope  then 
be  silent  or  Macfarlane  lack  of  lamentation?  He  lay  under  leagues 
of  it  in  deep  Bartholoman's  Deep. 

Achdung!  Pozor!  Attenshune!  Vikeroy  Besights  Smucky 
Yung  Pigeschoolies.  Tri  Paisdinernes  Eventyr  Med  Lochlanner 
Fathach  I  Fiounnisgehaven.  Bannalanna  Bangs  Ballyhooly  Out 
Of  Her  Buddaree  Of  A  Bullavogue. 

But,  their  bright  little  contemporaries  notwithstanding,  on 
the  morrowing  morn  of  the  suicidal  murder  of  the  unrescued  ex- 
patriate, aslike  as  asnake  comes  sliduant  down  that  oaktree  onto 
the  duke  of  beavers,  (you  may  have  seen  some  liquidamber  exude 
exotic  from  a  balsam  poplar  at  Parteen-a-lax  Limestone.  Road 
and  cried  Abies  Magnifica!  not,  noble  fir.^)  a  quarter  of  nine, 
imploring  his  resipiency,  saw  the  infallible  spike  of  smoke's  juts  tiff 
punctual  from  the  seventh  gable  of  our  Quintus  Centimachus' 
porphyroid  buttertower  and  then  thirsty  p.m.  with  oaths  upon 
his  lastingness  {En  caecos  har auspices!  Annos  longos  padmurl)  the 
lamps  of  maintenance,  beaconsfarafield  innerhalf  the  zuggurat,  all 
brevetnamed,  the  wasting  wyvern,  the  tawny  of  his  mane,  the 
swinglowswaying  bluepaw,  the  outstanding  man,  the  lolllike  lady, 
being  litten  for  the  long  (O  land,  how  long!)  lifesnight,  with 
suffusion  of  fineglass  transom  and  leadlight  panes. 

Wherefore  let  it  hardly  by  any  being  thinking  be  said  either  or 
thought  that  the  prisoner  of  that  sacred  edifice,  were  he  an  Ivor 
the  Boneless  or  an  Olaf  the  Hide,  was  at  his  best  a  onestone  par- 
able, a  rude  breathing  on  the  void  of  to  be,  a  venter  hearing  his 
own  bauchspeech  in  backwords,  or,  more  strictly,  but  tristurned 
initials,  the  cluekey  to  a  worldroom  beyond  the  roomwhorld,  for 
scarce  one,  or  pathetically  few  of  his  dode  canal  sammenlivers 
cared  seriously  or  for  long  to  doubt  with  Kurt  luld  van  Dijke 
(the  gravitational  pull  perceived  by  certain  fixed  residents  and 
the  capture  of  uncertain  comets  chancedrifting  through  our  sys- 
tem suggesting  an  authenticitatem  of  his  aliquitudinis)  the  canoni- 
city  of  his  existence  as  a  tesseract.  Be  still,  O  quick!  Speak  him 
dumb!  Hush  ye  fronds  of  Ulma! 

lOO 


1 


Dispersal  women  wondered.  Was  she  fast? 

Dojell  us  all  aboujL_As-^we  want  to  hear  allabout.  So  tellus  tel- 
las  allabouter.  The  why  or  whether  she  looked  alottylike  like 
ussies  and  whether  he  had  his  wimdop  like  themses  shut?  Notes 
and  queries,  tipbids  and  answers,  the  laugh  and  the  shout,  the 
ards  and  downs.  Now  listed  to  one  aneither  and  liss  them  down 
and  smoothen  out  your  leaves  of  rose.  The  war  is  o'er.  Wimwim 
wimwim!  Was  it  Unity  Moore  or  Estella  Swifte  or  Varina  Fay 
or  Quarta  Quaedam?  Toemaas,  mark  oom  for  yor  ounckel!  Pig- 
eys,  hold  op  med  yer  leg!  Who,  but  who  (for  second  time  of 
asking)  was  then  the  scourge  of  the  parts  about  folkrich  Luca- 
lizod  it  was  wont  to  be  asked,  as,  in  ages  behind  of  the  Homo 
Capite  Erectus,  what  price  Peabody's  money,  or,  to  put  it 
bluntly,  whence  is  the  herringtons'  white  cravat,  as,  in  epochs 
more  cainozoic,  who  struck  Buckley  though  nowadays  as  then- 
times  every  schoolfilly  of  sevenscore  moons  or  more  who  knows 
her  intimologies  and  every  colleen  bawl  aroof  and  every  red- 
flammelwaving  warwife  and  widowpeace  upon  Dublin  Wall  for 
ever  knows  as  yayas  is  yayas  how  it  was  Buckleyself  (we  need 
no  blooding  paper  to  tell  it  neither)  who  struck  and  the  Russian 
generals,  da!  da!,  instead  of  Buckley  who  was  caddishly  struck 
by  him  when  be  herselves.  What  fullpried  paulpoison  in  the  spy 
of  three  castles  or  which  hatefilled  smileyseller?  And  that  such 
a  vetriol  of  venom,  that  queen's  head  affranchisant,  a  quiet  stink- 
ingplaster  zeal  could  cover,  prepostered  or  postpaid !  The  lounge- 
lizards  of  the  pumproom  had  their  nine  days'  jeer,  and  pratsch- 
kats  at  their  platschpails  too  and  holenpolendom  beside,  Szpasz- 
pas  Szpissmas,  the  zhanyzhonies,  when,  still  believing  in  her 
owenglass,  when  izarres  were  twinklins,  that  the  upper  reaches 
of  her  mouthless  face  and  her  impermanent  waves  were  the  better 
half  of  her,  one  nearer  him,  dearer  than  all,  first  warming  creature 
of  his  early  morn,  bondwoman  of  the  man  of  the  house,  and 
murrmurr  of  all  the  mackavicks,  she  who  had  given  his  eye  for 
her  bed  and  a  tooth  for  a  child  till  one  one  and  one  ten  and  one 
hundred  again,  O  me  and  O  ye !  cadet  and  prim,  the  hungray  and 
anngreen  (and  if  she  is  older  now  than  her  teeth  she  has  hair  that 

lOI 


is  younger  than  thighne,  my  dear!)  she  who  shuttered  him  after 
his  fall  and  waked  him  widowt  sparing  and  gave  him  keen  and 
made  him  able  and  held  adazillahs  to  each  arche  of  his  noes,  she 
who  will  not  rast  her  from  her  running  to  seek  him  till,  with  the 
help  of  the  okeamic,  some  such  time  that  she  shall  have  been  after 
hiding  the  crumbends  of  his  enormousness  in  the  areyou  looking- 
for  Pearlfar  sea,  (ur,  uri,  uria!)  stood  forth,  burnzburn  the  gorg- 
gony  old  dan  world,  in  gogor's  name,  for  gagar's  sake,  dragging 
the  countryside  in  her  train,  finickin  here  and  funickin  there, 
with  her  louisequean's  brogues  and  her  culunder  buzzle  and  her 
little  bolero  boa  and  all  and  two  times  twenty  curlicornies  for  her 
headdress,  specks  on  her  eyeux,  and  spudds  on  horeilles  and  a 
circusfix  riding  her  Parisienne's  cockneze,  a  vaunt  her  straddle 
from  Equerry  Egon,  when  Tinktink  in  the  churchclose  clinked 
Steploajazzyma  Sunday,  Sola^  with  pawns,  prelates  and  pookas 
pelotting  in  her  piecebag,  for  Handiman  the  Chomp,  Esquoro, 
biskbask,  to  crush  the  slander's  head. 

Wery  weeny  wight,  plead  for  Morandmor!  Notre  Dame  de  la 
Ville^  mercy  of  thy  balmheartzyheat!  Ogrowdnyk's  beyond  her- 
bata  tay,  wort  of  the  drogist.  Bulk  him  no  bulkis.  And  let  him 
rest,  thou  wayfarre,  and  take  no  gravespoil  from  him!  Neither 
mar  his  mound!  The  bane  of  Tut  is  on  it.  Ware!  But  there's  a 
little  lady  waiting  and  her  name  is  A.L.P.  And  you'll  agree.  She 
must  be  she.  For  her  holden  heirheaps  hanging  down  her  back. 
He  spenth  his  strenth  amok  haremscarems.  Poppy  Narancy,  Gial- 
lia,  Chlora,  Marinka,  Anileen,  Parme.  And  ilk  a  those  dames  had 
her  rainbow  huemoures  yet  for  whilko  her  whims  but  he  coined  a 
cure.  TifftifF  today,  kissykissy  tonay  and  agelong  pine  tomauran- 
na.  Then  who  but  Crippled-with-Children  would  speak  up  for 
Dropping- with-Sweat? 

Sold  him  her  lease  of  ninenmeninetee^ 
Tresses  undresses  so  dyedyedaintee^ 
Goo^  the  groot  gudgeon^  gulped  it  alL 
Hoc  was  the  C.  0.  DJ 

Bum! 

I02 


At  Island  Bridge  she  met  her  tide. 
Attahom^  attahom^  attahomhomhoom! 
The  Fin  had  a  flux  and  his  Ehha  a  ride. 
Attahom^  attahom^  attahomhomhoom! 
We  re  all  up  to  the  years  in  hues  and  crihies. 
That's  what  she  s  done  for  wee! 

Woe! 

Nomad  may  roam  with  Nabuch  but  let  naaman  laugh  at  Jor- 
dan !  For  we,  we  have  taken  our  sheet  upon  her  stones  where  we 
have  hanged  our  hearts  in  her  trees;  and  we  list,  as  she  bibs  us, 
by  the  waters  of  babalong. 


103 


In  the  name  of  Annah  the  Allmaziful,  the  Everliving,  the 
Bringer  of  Plurabilities,  haloed  be  her  eve,  her  singtime  sung,  her 
rill  be  run,  unhemmed  as  it  is  uneven ! 

Her  untitled  mamafesta  memorialising  the  Mosthighest  has 
gone  by  many  names  at  disjointed  times.  Thus  we  hear  of.  The 
Augusta  Angus tissimost  for  Old  Seabeastius'  Salvation,  Rockabill 
Booby  in  the  Wave  Trough,  Here's  to  the  Relicts  of  All  Decencies^ 
Anna  Stessas  Rise  to  Notice^  Knickle  Down  Duddy  Gunne  and 
Arishe  Sir  Cannon^  My  Golden  One  and  My  Selver  Weddings 
Amoury  Treestam  and  Icy  Siseule^  Saith  a  Sawyer  til  a  Strame^  Ik 
dik  dopedope  et  tu  mihimihi^  Buy  Birthplate  for  a  Bite,  Which  of 
your  Hesterdays  Mean  Ye  to  Morra?  Hoehegunne  the  Hebrewer 
Hit  Waterman  the  Brayned,  Arcs  in  His  Ceiling  Flee  Chinx  on  the 
Flur,  Rebus  de  Hibernicis,  The  Crazier  Letters,  Groans  of  a  Briton- 
ess,  Peter  Peopler  Picked  a  Plot  to  Pitch  his  Poppolin,  An  Apology 
for  a  Big  (some  such  nonoun  as  Husband  or  husboat  or  hose- 
bound  is  probably  understood  for  we  have  also  the  plutherple- 
thoric  My  Hoonsbood  Hansbaad's  a  Journey  to  Porthergill  gone 
and  He  Never  Has  the  Hour),  Ought  We  To  Visit  Him!*  For  Ark 
see  Zoo,  Cleopaters  Nedlework  Picturing  Aldborougham  on  the 
Sahara  with  the  Coombing  of  the  Cammmels  and  the  Parlourmaids 
of  Aegypt,  Cock  in  the  Pot  for  Father,  Placeat  Vestrae,  A  New 
Cure  for  an  Old  Clap,  Where  Portentos  they'd  Grow  Gonder  how 
Vd  Wish  I  Woose  a  Geese;  Gettle  Nettie,  Thrust  him  not.  When  the 

104 


J 


Myrtles  of  Venice  Played  to  Bloccuss  Line^  To  Plenge  Me  High 
He  Waives  Chiltern  on  Friends^  Oremunds  Queue  Visits  Amen 
Marty  E'en  Tho'  I  Granny  a-be  He  would  Fain  Me  Cuddle^  Twenty 
of  Chambers,  Weighty  Ten  Beds  and  a  Wan  Ceteroom^  I  Led  the 
Life^  Through  the  Boxer  Coxer  Rising  in  the  House  with  the  Golden 
Stairs^  The  Following  Fork,  Hes  my  0' Jerusalem  and  Vm  his 
Po^  The  Best  in  the  West^  By  the  Stream  of  Zemiem  under  Zig- 
lag  Hill,  The  Man  That  Made  His  Mother  in  the  Marlborry 
Train^  Try  Our  Taal  on  a  Taub^  The  Log  of  Anny  to  the  Base 
All,  Nopper  Tipped  a  Nappiwenk  to  his  Notylytl Dantsigirls^  Prs^ss 
Orel  Orel  the  King  of  Orlhrds^^  Intimier  Minnelisp  of  an  Extor- 
reor  Monolothe^  Drink  to  Him^  My  Juckey^  and  Dhoult  Bemine 
Thy  Winnowing  Sheet,  I  Ask  You  to  Believe  I  was  his  Mistress, 
He  Can  Explain^  From  Victrolia  Nuancee  to  Allhart  Noahnsy^ 
Das  a  Daisy  so  Guimea  your  Handsel  too.  What  Barbaras  Done 
to  a  Barrel  Organ  Before  the  Rank^  Tank  and  Bonnbtail^  Huskvy 
Admortal^  What  Jumbo  made  to  Jalice  and  what  Anisette  to  Him^ 
Ophelia! s  Culpreints^  Hear  Hubty  Hublin^  My  Old  Dansh^  I  am 
Older  northe  Rogues  among  Whisht  I  Slips  and  He  Calls  Me  his 
Dual  of  Ayessha^  Suppotes  a  Ventriliquorst  Merries  a  Corpse^ 
Lapps  for  Finns  This  Funnycoons  Week,  How  the  Buckling  Shut 
at  Rush  in  January^  Look  to  the  Lady^  From  the  Rise  of  the 
Dudge  Pupublick  to  the  Fall  of  the  Potstille^  Of  the  Two  Ways 
of  Opening  the  Mouth,  I  have  not  Stopped  Water  Where  It  Should 
Flow  and  I  Know  the  Twentynine  Names  of  Attraente^  The  Tor  tor 
of  Tory  Island  Traits  Galasia  like  his  Milchcow,  From  Abbeygate 
to  Crowalley  Through  a  Lift  in  the  Lude,  Smocks  for  Their  Graces 
and  Me  Aunt  for  Them  Clodshoppers^  How  to  Pull  a  Good  Horus- 
coup  even  when  Oldsire  is  Dead  to  the  World,  Inn  the  Gleam  of 
Waherlow,  Fathe  Hes  Sukceded  to  My  Esperations^  Thee  Steps 
Forward,  Two  Stops  Back,  My  Skin  Appeals  to  Three  Senses  and 
My  Curly  Lips  Demand  Columbkisses;  Gage  Street  on  a  Cranys 
Savings^  Them  Lads  made  a  Trion  of  Battlewatschers  and  They 
Totties  a  Doeit  of  Deers^  In  My  Lord's  Bed  by  One  Whore  Went 
Through  It,  Mum  It  is  All  Over,  Cowpoyride  by  Twelve  Acre  Ter- 
riss  in  the  Unique  Estates  of  Amessican^  He  Gave  me  a  Thou  so  I 

105 


serve  Him  with  Thee,  Of  all  the  Wide  Torsos  in  all  the  Wild  Glen, 
O'Donoghj  White  Donogh,  He  s  Hue  to  Me  Cry,  I'm  the  Stitch 
in  his  Baskside  Youd  be  Nought  Without  Mom,  To  Keep  the 
Huskies  off  the  Hustings  and  Picture  Pets  from  Lifting  Shops,  Nor- 
sker  Torsker  Find  the  Poddle,  He  Perssed  Me  Here  with  the  Ardour 
of  a  Tonnohurkes^  A  Booh  Was  Weeping  This  Mower  was  Reaping^ 
O^Loughlin,  Up  from  the  Pit  of  my  Stomach  I  Swish  you  the  White 
of  the  Mournings  Inglo- Andean  Medoleys  from  Tommany  Moohr, 
The  Great  Polynesional  Entertrainer  Exhibits  Ballantine  Braut- 
chers  with  the  Link  of  Natures^  The  Mimic  of  Meg  Neg  and 
the  Mackeys,  Entered  as  the  Lastest  Pigtarial  and  My  Pooridiocal 
at  Stitchioners  Hall,  Siegfield  Follies  and  or  a  Gentlehomme  s  Faut 
Pas^  See  the  First  Book  of  Jealesies  Pessim^  The  Suspended  Sen- 
tence^ A  Pretty  Brick  Story  for  Childsiie  Heroes^  As  Lo  Our  Sleep, 
I  Knew  Vd  Got  it  in  Me  so  Thit  settles  That,  Thonderbalt  Captain 
Smeth  and  La  Belle  Sauvage  Pocahonteuse^  Way  for  Wet  Week 
Welikins  Douchka  Marianne^  The  Last  of  the  Fingallians^  It  Was 
Me  Egged  Him  on  to  the  Stork  Exchange  and  Lent  my  Dutiful 
Face  to  His  Customs^  Chee  Chee  Cheels  on  their  China  Miction^ 
Pickedmeup  Peters^  Lumptytumtumpty  had  a  Big  Fall^  Pimpimp 
Pimpimp^  Measly  Ventures  of  Two  Lice  and  the  Fall  of  Fruit, 
The  Pokes  Family  Interior^  If  my  Spreadeagles  Wasnt  so  Tight 
Pd  Loosen  my  Cursits  on  that  Bunch  of  Maggiestraps^  Allolosha 
Popofetts  and  Howke  Cotchme  Eye^  Seen  Aples  and  Thin  Dyed, 
i  big  U  to  B  cleaves  from  Love  and  Mother,  Fines  Fault  was  no 
Felon^  Exat  Delvin  Renter  Life^  The  Flash  that  Flies  from  Vuggys 
Eyes  has  Set  Me  Hair  On  Fire^  His  is  the  House  that  Malt  Made, 
Divine  Views  from  Back  to  the  Front,  Abe  to  Sare  Stood  Icyk 
Neuter  till  Brahm  Taulked  Him  Common  Sex^  A  Nibble  at  Eve 
Will  That  Bowal  Relieve,  Allfor  Guineas,  Sounds  and  Compliments 
Libidous,  Seven  Wives  Awake  Aweek^  -^i^y  -^^^  Berber  Blut^ 
Amy  Licks  Porter  While  Huffy  Chops  Eads,  Abbrace  of  Umbellas 
or  a  T ripple  of  Caines^  Buttbutterbust^  From  the  Manor  lord  Hoved 
to  the  Misses  O' Mollies  and  from  the  Dames  to  their  Sames,  Many- 
festoons  for  the  Colleagues  on  the  Green,  An  Outstanding  Back  and 
an  Excellent  Halfcentre  if  Called  on.  As  Tree  is  Quick  and  Stone  is 

1 06 


i 

I 

i 
I 


I 


I. 


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i 


U  ^  dx  ^ 


Whiu  So  is  My  Washing  Done  by  Night,  First  and  Last  Only 
True  Account  all  about  the  Honorary  Mirsu  Earwicker,  L.S.D., 
and  the  Snake  {Nuggets/)  by  a  Woman  of  the  World  who  only  can 
Tell  Naked  Truths  about  a  Dear  Man  and  all  his  Conspirators  how 
they  all  Tried  to  Fall  him  Putting  it  all  around  Lucaliiod  about 
Privates  Earwicker  and  a  Pair  of  Sloppy  Sluts  plainly  Showing  all 
the  Unmentionability  falsely  Accusing  about  the  Raincoats, 

The  proteiform  graph  itself  is  a  polyhedron  of  scripture. 
There  was  a  time  when  naif  alphabetters  would  have  written  it 
down  the  tracing  of  a  purely  deliquescent  recidivist,  possibly 
ambidextrous,  snubnosed  probably  and  presenting  a  strangely 
profound  rainbowl  in  his  (or  her)  occiput.  To  the  hardily  curio- 
sing  entomophilust  then  it  has  shown  a  very  sexmosaic  of  nym- 
phosis  in  which  the  eternal  chimerahunter  Oriolopos,  now  frond 
of  sugars,  then  lief  of  saults,  the  sensory j:rowd  in  his  belly  X 
coupled  with  an  eye  for  the  goods  trooth  bewilderblissed  by 
their  night  effluvia  with  guns  like  drums  and  fondlers  like  forceps 
persequestellates  his  vanessas  from  flore  to  flore.  Somehows  this 
sounds  like  the  purest  kidooleyoon  wherein  our  mademacerution 
of  lour  lore  is  rich.  All's  so  herou  from  us  him  in  a  kitchernott 
darkness,  by  hasard  and  worn  rolls  arered,  we  must  grope  on  till 
Zerogh  hour  like  pou  owl  giaours  as  we  are  would  we  salve  aught 
of  moments  for  our  aysore  today.  Amousin  though  not  but.  Closer 
inspection  of  the  bordereau  would  reveal  a  multiplicity  of  person- 
alities inflicted  on  the  documents  or  document  and  some  prevision 
of  virtual  crime  or  crimes  might  be  made  by  anyone  unwary 
enough  before  any  suitable  occasion  for  it  or  them  had  so  far 
managed  to  happen  along.  In  fact,  under  the  closed  eyes  of  the  in- 
spectors the  traits  featuring  the  chiaroscuro  coalesce,  their  con- 
trarieties eliminated,  in  one  stable  somebody  similarly  as  by  the 
providential  warring  of  heartshaker  with  housebreaker  and  of 
dramdrinker  against  freethinker  our  social  something  bowls  along 
bumpily,  experiencing  a  jolting  series  of  prearranged  disappoint- 
ments, down  the  long  lane  of  (it's  as  semper  as  oxhousehumper!) 
generations,  more  generations  and  still  more  generations. 

Say,  baroun  lousadoor,  who  in  hallhagal  wrote  the  durn  thing 

107 


anyhow?  Erect,  beseated,  mountback,  against  a  partywall,  below 
freezigrade,  by  the  use  of  quill  or  style,  with  turbid  or  pellucid 
mind,  accompanied  or  the  reverse  by  mastication,  interrupted 
by  visit  of  seer  to  scribe  or  of  scribe  to  site,  atwixt  two  showers 
or  atosst  of  a  trike,  rained  upon  or  blown  around,  by  a  right- 
down  regular  racer  from  the  soil  or  by  a  too  pained  whittlewit 
laden  with  the  loot  of  learning? 

Now,  patience;  and  remember  patience  is  the  great  thing,  and 
above  all  things  else  we  must  avoid  anything  like  being  or  be- 
coming out  of  patience.  A  good  plan  used  by  worried  business 
folk  who  may  not  have  had  many  momentums  to  master  Kung's 
doctrine  of  the  meang  or  the  propriety  codestruces  of  Carpri- 
mustimus  is  just  to  think  of  all  the  sinking  fund  of  patience  pos- 
sessed in  their  conjoint  names  by  both  brothers  Bruce  with  whom 
are  incorporated  their  Scotch  spider  and  Elberfeld's  Calculating 
Horses.  If  after  years  upon  years  of  delving  in  ditches  dark  one 
tubthumper  more  than  others,  Kinihoun  or  Kahanan,  giardarner 
or  mear  measenmanonger,  has  got  up  for  the  darnall  same  pur- 
pose of  reassuring  us  with  all  the  barbar  of  the  Carrageehouse 
that  our  great  ascendant  was  properly  speaking  three  syllables 
less  than  his  own  surname  (yes,  yes,  less!),  that  the  ear  of  Fionn 
Earwicker  aforetime  was  the  trademark  of  a  broadcaster  with 
wicker  local  jargon  for  an  ace's  patent  (Hear!  Calls!  Everywhair!) 
then  as  to  this  radiooscillating  epiepistle  to  which,  cotton,  silk  or 
samite,  kohol,  gall  or  brickdust,  we  must  ceaselessly  return,  where- 
abouts exactly  at  present  in  Siam,  Hell  or  Tophet  under  that 
glorisol  which  plays  touraloup  with  us  in  this  Aludin's  Cove  of 
our  cagacity  is  that  bright  soandsuch  to  slip  us  the  dinkum  oil? 

Naysayers  we  know.  To  conclude  purely  negatively  from  the 
positive  absence  of  political  odia  and  monetary  requests  that  its 
page  cannot  ever  have  been  a  penproduct  of  a  man  or  woman  of 
that  period  or  those  parts  is  only  one  more  unlookedfor  conclu- 
sion leaped  at,  being  tantamount  to  inferring  from  the  nonpre- 
sence  of  inverted  commas  (sometimes  called  quotation  marks) 
on  any  page  that  its  author  was  always  constitutionally  incapable 
of  misappropriating  the  spoken  words  of  others. 

io8 


4' 


Luckily  there  is  another  cant  to  the  questy.  Has  any  fellow,  of 
the  dime  a  dozen  type,  it  might  with  some  profit  some  dull  even- 
ing quietly  be  hinted  —  has  any  usual  sort  of  ornery  josser,  flat- 
chested  fortyish,  faintly  flatulent  and  given  to  ratiocination  by  t  v 
syncopation  in  the  elucidation  of  complications,  of  his  greatest 
Fung  Yang  dynasdescendanced,  only  another  the  son  of,  in  fact, 
ever^looked  sufficiently  longly  at  a  quite  everydaylooldng  stamped 
addressed  envelope?  Admittedly  it  is  an  outer  husk:  its  face,  in 
all  its  featureful  perfection  of  imperfection,  is  its  fortune:  it  ex- 
hibits only  the  civil  or  military  clothing  of  whatever  passion- 
pallid  nudity  or  plaguepurple  nakedness  may  happen  to  tuck  it- 
self under  its  flap.  Yet  to  concentrate  solely  on  the  literal  sense  or  ^  3 
even  the  psychological  content  of  any  document  to  the  sore 
neglect  of  the  enveloping  facts  themselves  circumstantiating  it  is 
just  as  hurtful  to  sound  sense  (and  let  it  be  added  to  the  truest  j 
taste)  as  were  some  fellow  in  the  act  of  perhaps  getting  an  intro 
from  another  fellow  turning  out  to  be  a  friend  in  need  of  his,  say, 
to  a  lady  of  the  latter's  acquaintance,  engaged  in  performing  the 
elaborative  antecistral  ceremony  of  upstheres,  straightaway  to  run 
off*  and  vision  her  plump  and  plain  in  her  natural  altogether,  pre- 
ferring to  close  his  blinkhard's  eyes  to  the  ethiquethical  fact  that 
she  was,  after  all,  wearing  for  the  space  of  the  time  being  some 
definite  articles  of  evolutionary  clothing,  inharmonious  creations, 
a  captious  critic  might  describe  them  as,  or  not  strictly  necessary 
or  a  trifle  irritating  here  and  there,  but  for  all  that  suddenly  full 
of  local  colour  and  personal  perfume  and  suggestive,  too,  of  so 
very  much  more  and  capable  of  being  stretched,  filled  out,  if  need 
or  wish  were,  of  having  their  surprisingly  Uke  coincidental  parts 
separated  don't  they  now,  for  better  survey  by  the  deft  hand  of 
an  expert,  don't  you  know?  Who  in  his  heart  doubts  either  that~^ 
the  facts  of  feminine  clothiering  are  there  all  the  time  or  that  the 
feminine  fiction,  stranger  than  the  facts,  is  there  also  at  the  same 
time,  only  a  little  to  the  rere?  Or  that  one  may  be  separated  from 
the  other?  Or  that  both  may  then  be  contemplated  simultaneously? 
Or  that  each  may  be  taken  up  and  considered  in  turn  apart  from 
the  other?  _j 

109 


A''  ■ 


Here  let  a  few  artifacts  fend  in  their  own  favour.  The  river  felt 
^  she  wanted  salt.  That  was  just  where  Brien  came  in.  The  country- 
asked  for  bearspaw  for  dindin !  And  boundin  aboundin  it  got  it 
surly.  We  who  live  under  heaven,  we  of  the  clovery  kingdom, 
we  middlesins  people  have  often  watched  the  sky  overreaching 
the  land.  We  suddenly  have.  Our  isle  is  Sainge.  The  place.  That 
^  stern  chuckler  Mayhappy  Mayhapnot,  once  said  to  repeation 

in  that  lutran  conservatory  way  of  his  that  Isitachapel-Asitalukin 
was  the  one  place,  ult  aut  nult^  in  this  madh  vaal  of  tares  (whose 
verdhure's  yellowed  therever  Phaiton  parks  his  car  while  its 
tamelised  tay  is  the  drame  of  Drainophilias)  where  the  possible 
was  the  improbable  and  the  improbable  the  inevitable.  If  the  pro- 
verbial bishop  of  our  holy  and  undivided  with  this  me  ken  or  no 
f^\.<^^'  me  ken  Zot  is  the  Quiztune  havvernjgshed  had  his  twoe  nails 
^  on  the  head  we  are  in  for  a  sequentiality_  of  improbable  possibles 
though  possibly  nobody  after  having  grubbed  up  a  lock  of  cwold 
cworn  aboove  his  subject  probably  in  Harrystotalies  or  the  vivle 
will  go  out  of  his  way  to  applaud  him  on  the  onboiassed  back  of 
his  remark  for  utterly  impossible  as  are  all  these  events  they  are 
probably  as  like  those  which  may  have  taken  place  as  any  others 
which  never  took  person  at  all  are  ever  likely  to  be.  Ahahn! 

About  that  originaLhen.  Midwinter  (frujir  or  kuur?)  was  in  the 
offing  and  Premver  a  promise  of  a  pril  when,  as  kischabrigies  sang 
life's  old  sahatsong,  an  iceclad  shiverer,  merest  of  bantlings  ob- 
/  served  a  cold  fowl  behaviourising  strangely  on  that  fatal  midden 
or  chip  factory  or  comicalbottomed  copsjute  (dump  for  short) 
afterwards  changed  into  the  orangery  when  in  the  course  of 
deeper  demolition  unexpectedly  one  bushman's  holiday  its  limon 
threw  up  a  few  spontaneous  fragments  of  orangepeel,  the  last 
remains  of  an  outdoor  meal  by  some  unknown  sunseeker  or  place- 
hider  illico  way  back  in  his  mistridden  past.  What  child  of  a  strand- 
/jiK^"^^  looper  but  keepy  little  Kevin  in  the  despondful  surrounding  of 
such  sneezing  cold  would  ever  have  trouved  up  on  a  strate  that 
was  called  strete  a  motive  for  future  saintity  by  euchring  the 
finding  of  the  Ardagh  chalice  by  another  heily  innocent  and 
beachwalker  whilst  trying  with  pious  clamour  to  wheedle  Tip- 

iio 


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5  y  /  ^v^^>-^ 


\ 

I 

■ 


t^'^-^^  fCc^  5t>  "TVjl  ^C<r^  AJ_fiAAi  yvA^w 


r  * 

peraw  raw  raw  reeraw  puteters  out  of  Now  Sealand  in  spignt 
of  the  patchpurple  of  the  massacre,  a  dual  a  duel  to  die  to 
day,  goddam  and  biggod,  sticks  and  stanks,  of  most  of  the 
Jacobiters. 

The  bird  in  the  case  was  Bdgjda  of  the  Dorans,  a  more  than 
quinquegintarian  (Terziis  prize  with  Serni  medal,  Cheepalizzy's 
Hane  Exposition)  and  what  she  was  scratching  at  the  hour  of 
klokking  twelve  looked  for  all  this  zogzag  world  like  a  goodish- 
sized  sheet  of  letterpaper  originating  by  transhipt  from  Boston 
(Mass.)  of  the  last  of  the  first  to  Dear  whom  it  proceded  to 
mention  Maggy  well  &  allathome's  health  well  only  the  hate 
turned  the  mild  on  the  van  Houtens  and  the  general's  elections 
with  a  lovely  face  of  some  born  gentleman  with  a  beautiful  present 
of  wedding  cakes  for  dear  thankyou  Chriesty  and  with  grand 
funferall  of  poor  Father  Michael  don't  forget  unto  life's  &  Muggy 
well  how  are  you  Maggy  &:  hopes  soon  to  hear  well  &  must  now 
close  it  with  fondest  to  the  twoinns  with  four  crosskisses  for  holy 
paul  holey  corner  holipoli  whollyisland  pee  ess  from  (locust  may 
eat  all  but  this  sign  shall  they  never)  affectionate  largelooking 
tache  of  tch.  The  stain,  and  that  a  teastain  (the  overcautelousness  ^ 
of  the  masterbilker  here,  as  usual,  signing  the  page  away),  marked 
it  off  on  the  spout  of  the  moment  as  a  genuine  relique  of  ancient 
Irish  pleasant  pottery  of  that  lydialike  languishing  class  known  as 
a  hurry-me-o'er-the-hazy.  it^€7o%'     ~^  '^^i:^^ 

Why  then  how?  fi-^^^^ 
Well,  almost  any  photgist  worth  his  chemicots  will  tip  anyone  U  ^ 
asking  him  the  teaser  that  if  a  negative  of  a  horse  happens  to  melt 
enough  while  drying,  well,  what  you  do  get  is,  well,  a  positively 
grotesquely  distorted  macromass  of  all  sorts  of  horsehappy  values 
and  masses  of  meltwhile  horse.  Tip.  Well,  this  freely  is  what 
must  have  occurred  to  our  missive  (there's  a  sod  of  a  turb  for 
you!  please  wisp  off  the  grass!)  unhlthed  from  the  boucher  by 
the  sagacity  of  a  lookmelittle  likemelong  hen.  Heated  residence 
in  the  heart  of  the  qrangeflavoured  mudmound  had  partly  ob- 
literated the  negative  to  start  with,  causing  some  features  pal- 
pably nearer  your  pecker  to  be  swollen  up  most  grossly  while 

III 


the  farther  back  we  manage  to  wiggle  the  more  we  need  the  loan 
of  a  lens  to  see  as  much  as  the  hen  saw.  Tip. 

You  is  feeling  like  you  was  lost  in  the  bush,  boy.^  You  says: 
It  is  a  puling  sample  jungle  of  woods.  You  most  shouts  out: 
Bethicket  me  for  a  stump  of  a  beech  if  I  have  the  poultriest  no- 
tions what  the  farest  he  all  means.  Gee  up,  girly!  The  quad  gos- 
pellers may  own  the  targum  but  any  of  the  Zingari  shoolerim 
may  pick  a  peck  of  kindlings  yet  from  the  sack  of  auld  hensyne. 

Lead,  kindly  fowl!  They  always  did:  ask  the  ages.  What  bird- 
has  done  yesterday  man  may  do  next  year,  be  it  fly,  be  it  moult, 
be  it  hatch,  be  it  agreement  in  the  nest.  For  her  socioscientific 
sense  is  sound  as  a  bell,  sir,  her  volucrine  automutativeness  right 
on  normalcy:  she  knows,  she  just  feels  she  was  kind  of  born  to 
lay  and  love  eggs  (trust  her  to  propagate  the  species  and  hoosh 
her  fluff  balls  safe  through  din  and  danger!);  lastly  but  mostly,  in 
her  genesic  field  it  is  all  game  and  no  gammon;  she  is  ladylike  in 
everything  she  does  and  plays  the  gentleman's  part  every  time. 
Let  us  auspice  it!  Yes,  before  all  this  has  time  to  end  the  golden 
age  must  return  with  its  vengeance.  Man  will  become  dirjgible. 
Ague  will  be  rejuvenated,  woman  with  her  ridiculous  white  bur- 
den will  reach  by  one  step  sublime  incubation,  the  manewanting 
human  lioness  with  her  dishorned  discipular  manram  will  lie 
down  together  publicly  flank  upon  fleece.  No,  assuredly,  they  are 
not  justified,  those  gloompourers  who  grouse  that  letters  have 
never  been  quite  their  old  selves  again  since  that  weird  weekday 
in  bleak  Janiveer  (yet  how  palmy  date  in  a  waste's  oasis!)  when 
to  the  shock  of  both,  Biddy  Doran  looked  at  literature. 

And.  She  may  be  a  mere  marcella,  this  midget  madgetcy, 
Misthress  of  Arths.  But.  It  is  not  a  hear  or  say  of  some  anomo- 
rous  letter,  signed  Toga  GiriHs,  (teasy  dear).  We  have  a  cop  of 
her  fist  right  against  our  nosibos.  We  note  the  paper  with  her 
jotty  young  watermark:  Notre  Dame  du  Bon  Marche,  And  she 
has  a  heart  of  Arin!  What  lumililts  as  she  fols  with  her  falli- 
mineers  and  her  nadianods.  As  a  strow  will  shaw  she  does  the 
wind  blague,  recting  to  show  the  rudess  of  a  robur  curling  and 
shewing  the  fansaties  of  a  frizette.  But  how  many  of  her  readers 

112 


^^^^^ 


/ 


5r 


realise  that  she  is  not  out  to  dizzledazzle  with  a  graith  uncouthre- 
ment  of  postmantuam  glasseries  from  the  lapins  and  the  grigs. 
Nuttings  on  her  wilelife!  Grabar  gooden  grandy  for  old  almea- 
nium  adamologists  like  Dariaumaurius  and  Zovotrimaserov- 
meravmerouvian;  (dmzn!);  she  feel  plain  plate  one  flat  fact  thing 
and  if,  lastways  firdstwise,  a  man  alones  sine  anyon  anyons 
utharas  has  no  rates  to  done  a  kik  at  with  anyon  anakars  about 
tutus  milking  fores  and  the  rereres  on  the  outerrand  asikin  the 
tutus  to  be  forrarder.  Thingcrooklyexineverypasturesixdix -. 
likencehimaroundhersthemaggerbykinkinkankanwithdownmind- 
lookingated.  Mesdaims,  Marmouselles,  Mescerfs!  Silvapais!  All 
schwants  (schwrites)  ischt  tell  the  cock's  trootabout  him.  Ka- 
pak  kapuk.  No  minzies  matter.  He  had  to  see  life  foully  the  ^ 
plak  and  the  smut,  (schwrites).  There  were  three  men  in  him 
(schwrites).  Dancings  (schwrites)  was  his  only  ttoo  feebles. 
With  apple  harlottes.  And  a  little  mollvogels.  Spissially  (schwrites)  ^  ^ 
when  they  peaches.  Honeys  wore  camelia  paints.  Yours  very 
truthful.  Add  dapple  inn.  Yet  is  it  but  an  old  story,  the  tale  of 
a  Treestone  with  one  Ysold,  of  a  Mons  held  by  tentpegs  and  his 
pal  whathploosed  on  the  run,  what  Cadman  could  but  Badman 
wouldn't,  any  Genoaman  against  any  Venis,  and  why  Kate  takes 
cjiarge  of  the  waxworks.  .  . 

Let  us  now,  weather,  health,  dangers,  public  orders  and  other 
circumstances  permitting,  of  perfectly  convenient,  if  you  police, 
after  you,  policepolice,  pardoning  mein,  ich  beam  so  fresch,  bey? 
drop  this  jiggerypokery  and  talk  straight  turkey  meet  to  mate,  for 
while  the  ear,  be  we  mikealls  or  nicholists,  may  sometimes  be  in- 
clined to  believe  others  the  eye,  whether  browned  or  nolensed, 
And  it  devilish  hard  now  and  again  even  to  believe  itself.  Habes 
aures  et  num  videbisF  Habes  oculos  ac  mannepalpabuat?  Tip  1  Draw- 
ing nearer  to  take  our  slant  at  it  (since  after  all  it  has  met  with 
misfortune  while  all  underground),  let  us  see  all  there  may  remain 
to  be  seen. 

I  am  a  worker,  a  tombstone  mason,  anxious  to  pleace  avery- 
buries  and  jully  glad  when  Christmas  comes  his  once  ayear.  You 
are  a  poorjoist,  unctuous  to  polise  nopebobbies  and  tunnibelly 

"3 


^^^^ 


■V. 


soully  when  'tis  thime  took  o'er  home,  gin.  We  cannot  say  aye 
to  aye.  We  cannot  smile  noes  from  noes.  Stijl.  One  cannot  help 
noticing  that  rather  more  than  half  of  the  lines  run  north-south 
in  the  Nemzes  and  Bukarahast  directions  while  the  others  go 
west-east  in  search  from  Maliziies  with  Bulgarad  for,  tiny  tot 
though  it  looks  when  schtschupnistling  alongside  other  incuna- 
bula, it  has  its  cardinal  points  for  all  that.  These  ruled  barriers 
along  which  the  traced  words,  run,  march,  halt,  walk,  stumble 
at  doubtful  points,  stumble  up  again  in  comparative  safety  seem 
to  have  been  drawn  first  of  all  in  a  pretty  checker  with  lamp- 
black and  blackthorn.  Such  crossing  is  antechristian  of  course, 
but  the  use  of  the  homeborn  shillelagh  as  an  aid  to  calligraphy 
shows  a  distinct  advance  from  savagery  to  barbarism.  It  is 
seriously  believed  by  some  that  the  intention  may  have  been, 
geodetic,  or,  in  the  view  of  the  cannier,  domestic  economical. 
But  by  writing  thithaways  end  to  end  and  turning,  turning  and 
end  to  end  hithaways  writing  and  with  lines  of  litters  slittering 
up  and  louds  of  latters  slettering  down,  the  old  semetomyplace 
and  jupetbackagain  from  tham  Let  Rise  till  Hum  Lit.  Sleep, 
where  in  the  waste  is  the  wisdom.'^ 

Another  point,  in  addition  to  the  original  sand,  pounce  pow- 
der, drunkard  paper  or  soft  rag  used  (any  vet  or  inhanger  in 
ous  sot's  social  can  see  the  seen  for  seemself,  a  wee  ftofty  od 
room,  the  cheery  spluttered  on  the  one  karrig,  a  darka  disheen 
of  voos  from  Dalbania,  any  gotsquantity  of  racky,  a  portogal 
and  some  buk  setting  out  on  the  sofer,  you  remember  the 
sort  of  Softball  sucker  motru  used  to  tell  us  when  we  were  all 
biribiyas  or  nippies  and  messas)  it  has  acquired  accretions  of 
terricious  matter  whilst  loitering  in  the  past.  The  teatimestained 
terminal  (say  not  the  tag,  mummer,  or  our  show's  a  failure!)  is  a 
cosy  little  brown  study  all  to  oneself  and,  whether  it  be  thumb- 
print, mademark  or  just  a  poor  trait  of  the  artless,  its  importance 
in  establishing  the  identities  in  the  writer  complexus  (for  if  the 
hand  was  one,  the  minds  of  active  and  agitated  were  more  than 
so)  will  be  best  appreciated  by  never  forgetting  that  both  before 
and  after  the  battle  of  the  Boyne  it  was  a  habit  not  to  sign  letters 

114 


always.  Tip.  And  it  is  surely  a  lesser  ignorance  to  write  a  word 
with  every  consonant  too  few  than  to  add  all  too  many.  The 
end.^  Say  it  with  missiles  then  and  thus  arabesque  the  page.  You 
have  your  cup  of  scalding  Souchong,  your  taper's  waxen  drop, 
your  cat's  paw,  the  clove  or  coffinnail  you  chewed  or  champed 
as  you  worded  it,  your  lark  in  clear  air.  So  why,  pray,  sign  any- 
thing as  long  as  every  word,  letter,  penstroke,  paperspace  is  a 
perfect  signature  of  its  own.^  A  true  friend  is  known  much  more 
easily,  and  better  into  the  bargain,  by  his  personal  touch,  habits 
of  full  or  undress,  movements,  response  to  appeals  for  charity 
than  by  his  footwear,  say.  And,  speaking  anent  Tiberias  and  other 
incestuish  salacities  among  gerontophils,  a  word  of  warning 
about  the  tenderloined  passion  hinted  at.  Some  softnosed  per- 
user might  mayhem  take  it  up  erogenously  as  the  usual  case  of 
spoons^ pros tituta  in  herba  plus  dinky  pinks  deliberatively  summer- 
saulting off  her  bisexycle,  at  the  main  entrance  of  curate's  per- 
petual soutane  suit  with  her  one  to  see  and  awoh!  who  picks  her 
up  as  gingerly  as  any  balmbearer  would  to  feel  whereupon  the 
virgin  was  most  hurt  and  nicely  asking:  whyre  have  you  been  so 
grace  a  mauling  and  where  were  you  chaste  me  child.'^  Be  who, 
farther  potential.'^  and  so  wider  but  we  grisly  old  Sykos  who  have 
done  our  unsmiling  bit  on  'alices,  when  they  were  yung  and 
easily  freudened,  in  the  penumbra  of  the  procuring  room  and 
what  oracular  comepression  we  have  had  apply  to  them!  could 
(did  we  care  to  sell  our  feebought  silence  in  camera)  tell  our  very 
moistnostrilled  one  that  father  in  such  virgated  contexts  is  not 
always  that  undemonstrative  relative  (often  held  up  to  our  con- 
tumacy) who  settles  our  hashbill  for  us  and  what  an  innocent  all- 
abroad's  adverb  such  as  Michaelly  looks  like  can  be  suggestive 
of  under  the  pudendascope  and,  finally,  what  a  neurasthene  nym- 
pholept,  endocrine-pineal  typus,  of  inverted  parentage  with  a 
prepossessing  drauma  present  in  her  past  and  a  priapic  urge  for 
congress  with  agnates  before  cognates  fundamentally  is  feeling 
for  under  her  lubricitous  meiosis  when  she  refers  with  liking  to 
some  feeler  she  fancie's  face.  And  Mm.  We  could.  Yet  what  need 
to  say.'^  'Tis  as  human  a  little  story  as  paper  could  well  carry,  in 

"5 


affect,  as  singsing  so  Salaman  susuing  to  swittvitles  while  as  un- 
bluffingly  blurtubruskblunt  as  an  Esra,  the  cat,  the  cat's  meeter, 
the  meeter's  cat's  wife,  the  meeter's  cat's  wife's  half  better,  the 
meeter's  cat's  wife's  half  better's  meeter,  and  so  back  to  our 
horses,  for  we  also  know,  what  we  have  perused  from  the  pages 
of  /  IVas  A  Gemral^  that  Showting  up  of  Bulsklivism  by  *Schot- 
tenboum',  that  Father  Michael  about  this  red  time  of  the  white 
terror  equals  the  old  regime  and  Margaret  is  the  social  revolution 
while  cakes  mean  the  party  funds  and  dear  thank  you  signifies 
national  gratitude.  In  fine,  we  have  heard,  as  it  happened,  of 
Spartacus  intercellular.  We  are  not  corknered  yet,  dead  hand! 
We  can  recall,  with  voluntears,  the  froggy  jew,  and  sweeter  far 
'twere  now  westhinks  in  Dumbil's  fair  city  ere  one  more  year  is 
o'er.  We  tourned  our  coasts  to  the  good  gay  tunes.  When  from 
down  swords  the  sea  merged  the  oldowth  guns  and  answer  made 
the  bold  O'  Dwyer.  But.  Est  modest  in  verbos.  Let  a  prostitute 
be  whoso  stands  before  a  door  and  winks  or  parks  herself  in  the 
fornix  near  a  makeussin  wall  (sinsin!  sinsin!)  and  the  curate  one 
who  brings  strong  waters  (gingin!  gingin!),  but  also,  and  dinna 
forget,  that  there  is  many  asleeps  between  someathome's  first 
and  moreinausland's  last  and  that  the  beautiful  presence  of  wait- 
ing kates  will  until  life's  (!)  be  more  than  enough  to  make  any 
milkmike  in  the  language  of  sweet  tarts  punch  hell's  hate  into  his 
twin  nicky  and  that  Maggy's  tea,  or  your  majesty,  if  heard  as  a 
boost  from  a  born  gentleman  is  (?).  For  if  the  lingo  gasped  between 
kicksheets,  however  basically  English,  were  to  be  preached  from 
the  mouths  of  wickerchurchwardens  and  metaphysicians  in  the 
row  and  advokaatoes,  allvoyous,  demivoyelles,  languoaths,  les- 
biels,  dentelles,  gutterhowls  and  furtz,  where  would  their  prac- 
tice be  or  where  the  human  race  itself  were  the  Pythagorean  ses- 
quipedalia  of  the  panepistemion,  however  apically  Volapucky, 
grunted  and  gromwelled,  ichabod,  habakuk,  opanoff,  uggamyg, 
hapaxle,  gomenon,  ppppfff,  over  country  stiles,  behind  slated 
dwellinghouses,  down  blind  lanes,  or,  when  all  fruit  fails,  under 
some  sacking  left  on  a  coarse  cart.'^ 

So  hath  been,  love:  tis  tis:  and  will  be:  till  wears  and  tears  and 

ii6 


ages.  Thief  us  the  night,  steal  we  the  air,  shawl  thiner  liefest, 
mine!  Here,  Ohere,  insult  the  fair!  Traitor,  bad  hearer,  brave! 
The  lightning  look,  the  birding  cry,  awe  from  the  grave,  ever- 
flowing  on  the  times,  Feueragusaria  iordenwater;  now  godsun 
shine  on  menday's  daughter;  a  good  clap,  a  fore  marriage,  a  bad 
wake,  tell  hell's  well;  such  is  manowife's  lot  of  lose  and  win  again, 
like  he's  gruen  quhiskers  on  who's  chin  again,  she  plucketed  them 
out  but  they  grown  in  again.  So  what  are  you  going  to  do  about 
it.^  O  dear! 

If  juness  she  saved!  Ah  ho!  And  if  yulone  he  pouved!  The  ol- 
old  stoliolum!  From  quiqui  quinet  to  michemiche  chelet  and  a 
jambebatiste  to  a  brulobrulo!  It  is  told  in  sounds  in  utter  that,  in 
signs  so  adds  to,  in  universal,  in  polygluttural,  in  each  auxiliary 
neutral  idiom,  sordomutics,  florilingua,  sheltafocal,  flayflutter,  a 
con's  cubane,  a  pro's  tutute,  strassarab,  ereperse  and  anythongue 
athall.  Since  nozzy  Nanette  tripped  palmy  ways  with  Highho 
Harry  there's  a  spurtfire  turf  a'kind  o'kindling  when  oft  as  the 
soufFsoufF  blows  her  peaties  up  and  a  claypot  wet  for  thee,  my 
Sitys,  and  talkatalka  tell  Tibbs  has  eve:  and  whathough  (revilous 
life  proving  aye  the  death  of  ronaldses  when  winpower  wine  has 
bucked  the  kick  on  poor  won  man)  billiousness  has  been  billious- 
ness  during  milliums  of  millenions  and  our  mixed  racings  have 
been  giving  two  hoots  or  three  jeers  for  the  grape,  vine  and  brew 
and  Pieter's  in  Nieuw  Amsteldam  and  Paoli's  where  the  poules 
go  and  rum  smelt  his  end  for  him  and  he  dined  off  sooth  ameri- 
can  (it  would  give  one  the  frier  even  were  one  a  normal  Kettle- 
licker)  this  oldworld  epistola  of  their  weatherings  and  their 
marryings  and  their  buryings  and  their  natural  selections  has 
combled  tumbled  down  to  us  fersch  and  made-at-all-hours  like 
an  ould  cup  on  tay.  As  I  was  hottin  me  souser.  Haha!  And  as 
you  was  caldin  your  dutchy  hovel.  Hoho!  She  tole  the  tail  or 
her  toon.  Huhu! 

Now,  kapnimancy  and  infusionism  may  both  fit  as  tight  as 
two  trivets  but  while  we  in  our  wee  free  state,  holding  to  that 
prestatute  in  our  charter,  may  have  our  irremovable  doubts  as 
to  the  whole  sense  of  the  lot,  the  interpretation  of  any  phrase  in 

117 


the  whole,  the  meaning  of  every  word  of  a  phrase  so  far  de- 
ciphered out  of  it,  however  unfettered  our  Irish  daily  indepen- 
dence, we  must  vaunt  no  idle  dubiosity  as  to  its  genuine  author- 
ship and  holusbolus  authoritativeness.  And  let  us  bringtheecease 
to  beakerings  on  that  clink,  olmond  bottler!  On  the  face  of  it, 
to  volt  back  to  our  desultory  horses,  and  for  your  roughshod 
mind,  bafflelost  bull,  the  affair  is  a  thing  once  for  all  done  and 
there  you  are  somewhere  and  finished  in  a  certain  time,  be  it  a 
day  or  a  year  or  even  supposing,  it  should  eventually  turn  out 
to  be  a  serial  number  of  goodness  gracious  alone  knows  how 
many  days  or  years.  Anyhow,  somehow  and  somewhere,  before 
the  bookflood  or  after  her  ebb,  somebody  mentioned  by  name  in 
his  telephone  directory,  Coccolanius  or  Gallotaurus,  wrote  it, 
wrote  it  all,  wrote  it  all  down,  and  there  you  are,  full  stop.  O, 
undoubtedly  yes,  and  very  potably  so,  but  one  who  deeper  thinks 
will  always  bear  in  the  baccbuccus  of  his  mind  that  this  down- 
right there  you  are  and  there  it  is  is  only  all  in  his  eye.  Why.'^ 

Because,  Soferim  Bebel,  if  it  goes  to  that,  (and  dormerwindow 
gossip  will  cry  it  from  the  housetops  no  surelier  than  the  writing 
on  the  wall  will  hue  it  to  the  mod  of  men  that  mote  in  the  main 
street)  every  person,  place  and  thing  in  the  chaosmos  of  Alle 
anyway  connected  with  the  gobblydumped  turkery  was  moving 
and  changing  every  part  of  the  time:  the  travelling  inkhorn 
(possibly  pot),  the  hare  and  turtle  pen  and  paper,  the  continually 
more  and  less  intermisunderstanding  minds  of  the  anticollabora- 
tors,  the  as  time  went  on  as  it  will  variously  inflected,  differently 
pronounced,  otherwise  spelled,  changeably  meaning  vocable 
scriptsigns.  No,  so  holp  me  Petault,  it  is  not  a  miseffectual  why- 
acinthinous  riot  of  blots  and  blurs  and  bars  and  balls  and  hoops 
and  wriggles  and  juxtaposed  jottings  linked  by  spurts  of  speed: 
it  only  looks  as  like  it  as  damn  it;  and,  sure,  we  ought  really  to 
rest  thankful  that  at  this  deleteful  hour  of  dungflies  dawning  we 
have  even  a  written  on  with  dried  ink  scrap  of  paper  at  all  to  show 
for  ourselves,  tare  it  or  leaf  it,  (and  we  are  lufted  to  ourselves  as 
the  soulfisher  when  he  led  the  cat  out  of  the  bout)  after  all  that 
we  lost  and  plundered  of  it  even  to  the  hidmost  coignings  of  the 

ii8 


earth  and  all  it  has  gone  through  and  by  all  means,  after  a  good 
ground  kiss  to  Terracussa  and  for  wars  luck  our  lefftoff's  flung 
over  our  home  homoplate,  cling  to  it  as  with  drowning  hands, 
hoping  against  hope  all  the  while  that,  by  the  light  of  philo- 
phosy,  (and  may  she  never  folsage  us!)  things  will  begin  to  clear 
up  a  bit  one  way  or  another  within  the  next  quarrel  of  an  hour 
and  be  hanged  to  them  as  ten  to  one  they  will  too,  please  the  pigs, 
as  they  ought  to  categorically,  as,  stricly  between  ourselves,  there 
is  a  limit  to  all  things  so  this  will  never  do. 

For,  with  that  farmfrow's  foul  flair  for  that  flayfell  foxfetor, 
(the  calamite's  columitas  calling  for  calamitous  calamitance)  who 
that  scrutinising  marvels  at  those  indignant  whiplooplashes;  those 
so  prudently  bolted  or  blocked  rounds;  the  touching  reminiscence 
of  an  incompletet  trail  or  dropped  final;  a  round  thousand  whirli- 
gig glorioles,  prefaced  by  (alas!)  now  illegible  airy  plumeflights, 
all  tiberiously  ambiembellishing  the  initials  majuscule  of  Ear- 
wicker:  the  meant  to  be  baffling  chrismon  trilithon  sign  m,  finally 
called  after  some  his  hes  hecitency  Hec,  which,  moved  contra- 
watchwise,  represents  his  title  in  sigla  as  the  smaller  A,  fontly 
called  following  a  certain  change  of  state  of  grace  of  nature  alp 
or  delta,  when  single,  stands  for  or  tautologically  stands  beside 
the  consort:  (though  for  that  matter,  since  we  have  heard  from 
Cathay  cyrcles  how  the  hen  is  not  mirely  a  tick  or  two  after  the 
first  fifth  fourth  of  the  second  eighth  twelfth  —  siangchang 
hongkong  sansheneul  —  but  yirely  the  other  and  thirtieth  of  the 
ninth  from  the  twentieth,  our  own  vulgar  432  and  1132  irre- 
spectively, why  not  take  the  former  for  a  village  inn,  the  latter 
for  an  upsidown  bridge,  a  multiplication  marking  for  crossroads 
ahead,  which  you  like  pothook  for  the  family  gibbet,  their  old 
fourwheedler  for  the  bucker's  field,  a  tea  anyway  for  a  tryst 
someday,  and  his  onesidemissing  for  an  allblind  alley  leading  to 
an  Irish  plot  in  the  Champ  de  Mors,  not?)  the  steady  monologuy 
of  the  interiors;  the  pardonable  confusion  for  which  some  blame 
the  cudgel  and  more  blame  the  soot  but  unthanks  to  which 
the  pees  with  their  caps  awry  are  quite  as  often  as  not  taken 
for  kews  with  their  tails  in  their  or  are  quite  as  often  as  not 

119 


taken  for  pews  with  their  tails  in  their  mouths,  thence  your 
pristopher  polombos,  hence  our  Kat  Kresbyterians;  the  curt 
witty  wotty  dashes  never  quite  just  right  at  the  trim  trite 
truth  letter;  the  sudden  spluttered  petulance  of  some  capitalised 
middle;  a  word  as  cunningly  hidden  in  its  maze  of  confused 
drapery  as  a  fieldmouse  in  a  nest  of  coloured  ribbons:  that  ab- 
surdly bullsfooted  bee  declaring  with  an  even  plainer  dummp- 
show  than  does  the  mute  commoner  with  us  how  hard  a  thing  it 
is  to  mpe  mpom  a  gentlerman:  and  look  at  this  prepronominal 
funferal^  engraved  and  retouched  and  edgewiped  and  pudden- 
padded,  very  like  a  whale's  egg  farced  with  pemmican,  as  were  it 
sentenced  to  be  nuzzled  over  a  full  trillion  times  for  ever  and  a 
night  till  his  noddle  sink  or  swim  by  that  ideal  reader  suffering 
from  an  ideal  insomnia:  all  those  red  raddled  obeli  cayennepep- 
percast  over  the  text,  calling  unnecessary  attention  to  errors, 
omissions,  repetitions  and  misalignments:  that  (probably  local  or 
personal)  variant  maggers  for  the  more  generally  accepted  ma- 
jesty which  is  but  a  trifle  and  yet  may  quietly  amuse:  those  super- 
ciliouslooking  crisscrossed  Greek  ees  awkwardlike  perched  there 
and  here  out  of  date  like  sick  owls  hawked  back  to  Athens:  and 
the  geegees  too,  jesuistically  formed  at  first  but  afterwards  genu- 
flected aggrily  toewards  the  Occident:  the  Ostrogothic  kako- 
graphy  affected  for  certain  phrases  of  Etruscan  stabletalk  and,  in 
short,  the  learning  betrayed  at  almost  every  line's  end:  the  head- 
strength  (at  least  eleven  men  of  thirty  two  palfry  craft)  revealed 
by  a  constant  labour  to  make  a  ghimel  pass  through  the  eye  of  an 
iota:  this,  for  instance,  utterly  unexpected  sinistrogyric  return  to 
one  peculiar  sore  point  in  the  past;  those  throne  open  doubleyous 
(of  an  early  muddy  terranean  origin  whether  man  chooses  to 
damn  them  agglutinatively  loo  —  too  —  blue  —  face  —  ache  or 
illvoodawpeehole  or,  kants  koorts,  topplefouls)  seated  with  such 
floprightdown  determination  and  reminding  uus  ineluctably  of 
nature  at  her  naturalest  while  that  fretful  fidget  eff,  the  hornful 
digamma  of  your  bornabarbar,  rarely  heard  now  save  when  falling 
from  the  unfashionable  lipsus  of  some  hetarosexual  (used  always 
in  two  boldfaced  print  types  —  one  of  them  as  wrongheaded  as 

1 20 


his  Claudian  brother,  is  it  worth  while  interrupting  to  say?  — 
throughout  the  papyrus  as  the  revise  mark)  stalks  all  over  the 
page,  broods  i  sensationseeking  an  idea,  amid  the  verbiage, 
gaunt,  stands  dejectedly  in  the  diapered  window  margin,  with 
its  basque  of  bayleaves  all  aflutter  about  its  forksfrogs,  paces 
with  a  frown,  jerking  to  and  fro,  flinging  phrases  here,  there,  or 
returns  inhibited,  with  some  half-halted  suggestion,  L,  dragging 
its  shoestring;  the  curixiuis  warning  sign  before  our  protoparent's 
ipsissima  verba  (a  very  pure  nondescript,  by  the  way,  sometimes 
a  palmtailed  otter,  more  often  the  arbutus  fruitflowerleaf  of  the 
cainapple)  which  paleographers  call  a  leak  in  the  thatch  or  the 
Aranman  ingperwhis  through  the  hole  of  his  hat^  indicating  that  the 
words  which  follow  may  be  taken  in  any  order  desired,  hole  of 
Aran  man  the  hat  through  the  whispering  his  ho  (here  keen 
again  and  begin  again  to  make  soundsense  and  sensesound  kin 
again);  those  haughtypitched  disdotted  aiches  easily  of  the  rariest 
inasdroll  as  most  of  the  jaywalking  eyes  we  do  plough  into  halve, 
unconnected,  principial,  medial  or  final,  always  jims  in  the  jam, 
sahib,  as  pipless  as  threadworms:  the  innocent  exhibitionism  of 
those  frank  yet  capricious  underlinings:  that  strange  exotic  serpen- 
tine, since  so  properly  banished  from  our  scripture,  about  as  freak- 
wing  a  wetterhand  now  as  to  see  a  rightheaded  ladywhite  don  a 
corkhorse,  which,  in  its  invincible  insolence  ever  longer  more  and 
of  more  morosity,  seems  to  uncoil  spirally  and  swell  lacertinelazily 
before  our  eyes  under  pressure  of  the  writer's  hand;  the  ungainly 
musicianlessness  so  painted  in  sculpting  selfsounder  ah  ha  as 
blackartful  as  a  podatus  and  dumbfounder  oh  ho  oaproariose  as 
ten  canons  in  skelterfugue:  the  studious  omission  of  year  number 
and  era  name  from  the  date,  the  one  and  only  time  when  our 
copyist  seems  at  least  to  have  grasped  the  beauty  of  restraint;  the 
lubricitous  conjugation  of  the  last  with  the  first:  the  gipsy  mat- 
ing of  a  grand  stylish  gravedigging  with  secondbest  buns  (an  in- 
terpolation: these  munchables  occur  only  in  the  Bootherbrowth 
family  of  MSS.,  Bb  —  Cod  IV,  Pap  II,  Brek  XI,  Lun  III,  Dinn 
XVII,  Sup  XXX,  Fullup  M  D  C  X  C:  the  scholiast  has  hungrily 
misheard  a  deadman's  toller  as  a  mufiinbell):  the  four  shortened 

121 


ampersands  under  which  we  can  glypse  at  and  feel  for  ourselves 
across  all  those  rushyears  the  warm  soft  short  pants  of  the  quick- 
scribbler:  the  vocative  lapse  from  which  it  begins  and  the  accu- 
sative hole  in  which  it  ends  itself;  the  aphasia  of  that  heroic  agony 
of  recalling  a  once  loved  number  leading  slip  by  slipper  to  a 
general  amnesia  of  misnomering  one's  own:  next  those  ars,  rrrr! 
those  ars  all  bellical,  the  highpriest's  hieroglyph  of  kettletom  and 
oddsbones,  wrasted  redhandedly  from  our  hallowed  rubric  prayer 
for  truce  with  booty,  0' Remus  pro  Romulo^  and  rudely  from  the 
fane's  pinnacle  tossed  down  by  porter  to  within  an  aim's  ace  of 
their  quatrain  of  rubyjets  among  Those  Who  arse  without  the 
Temple  nor  since  Roe's  Distillery  burn'd  have  quaff'd  Night's 
firefiird  Cup  But  jig  jog  jug  as  Day  the  Dicebox  Throws,  whang, 
loyal  sLx  I  lead,  out  wi'yer  heart's  bluid,  blast  ye,  and  there  she's 
for  you,  sir,  whang  her,  the  fine  ooman,  rouge  to  her  lobster 
locks,  the  rossy,  whang,  God  and  O'Mara  has  it  with  his  ruddy 
old  Villain  Rufus,  wait,  whang,  God  and  you're  another  he 
hasn't  for  there's  my  spoil  five  of  spuds's  trumps,  whang,  whack 
on  his  pigsking's  Kisser  for  him,  K.M.  O'Mara  where  are  you?; 
then  (coming  over  to  the  left  aisle  corner  down)  the  cruciform 
postscript  from  which  three  basia  or  shorter  and  smaller  oscula 
have  been  overcarefully  scraped  away,  plainly  inspiring  the  tene- 
brous Tunc  page  of  the  Book  of  Kells  (and  then  it  need  not  be 
lost  sight  of  that  there  are  exactly  three  squads  of  candidates  for 
the  crucian  rose  awaiting  their  turn  in  the  marginal  panels  of 
Columkiller,  chugged  in  their  three  ballotboxes,  then  set  apart  for 
such  hanging  committees,  where  two  was  enough  for  anyone, 
starting  with  old  Matthew  himself,  as  he  with  great  disdnction 
said  then  just  as  since  then  people  speaking  have  fallen  into  the 
custom,  when  speaking  to  a  person,  of  saying  two  is  company 
when  the  third  person  is  the  person  darkly  spoken  of,  and  then 
that  last  labiolingual  hasium  might  be  read  as  a  suavium  if  who- 
ever the  embracer  then  was  wrote  with  a  tongue  in  his  (or  per- 
haps her)  cheek  as  the  case  may  have  been  then);  and  the  fatal 
droopadwindle  slope  of  the  blamed  scrawl,  a  sure  sign  of  imper- 
fectible  moral  blindness;  the  toomuchness,  the  fartoomanyness 

122 


of  all  those  fourlegged  ems:  and  why  spell  dear  god  with  a  big 
thick  dhee  (why,  O  why,  O  why?):  the  cut  and  dry  aks  and  wise 
form  of  the  semifinal;  and,  eighteenthly  or  twentyfourthly,  but 
at  least,  thank  Maurice,  lastly  when  all  is  zed  and  done,  the  pene- 
lopean  patience  of  its  last  paraphe,  a  colophon  of  no  fewer  than 
seven  hundred  and  thirtytwo  strokes  tailed  by  a  leaping  lasso  — 
who  thus  at  all  this  marvelling  but  will  press  on  hotly  to  see  the 
vaulting  feminine  libido  of  those  interbranching  ogham  sex  up- 
andinsweeps  sternly  controlled  and  easily  repersuaded  by  the 
uniform  matteroffactness  of  a  meandering  male  fist? 

Duff-Muggli,  who  now  may  be  quoted  by  very  kind  arrange- 
ment (his  dectroscophonious  photosensition  under  suprasonic 
light  control  may  be  logged  for  by  our  none  too  distant  futures 
as  soon  astone  values  can  be  turned  out  from  Chromophilomos, 
Limited  at  a  millicentime  the  microamp),  first  called  this  kind  of 
paddygoeasy  partnership  the  ulykkhean  or  tetrachiric  or  quad- 
rumane  or  ducks  and  drakes  or  debts  and  dishes  perplex  (v.  Some 
Forestallings  over  that  Studium  of  Sexophonologistic  Schiiophre- 
nesis,  vol.  xxiv,  pp.  2-555)  ^^^^^  ^he  wellinformed  observation, 
made  miles  apart  from  the  Master  by  Tung-Toyd  (cf.  Later 
Frustrations  amengst  the  Neomugglian  Teachings  abaft  the  Semi- 
unconsciencey  passim)  that  in  the  case  of  the  littleknown  periplic 
bestteller  popularly  associated  with  the  names  of  the  wretched 
mariner  (trianforan  deffwedoff  our  plumsucked  pattern  shape- 
keeper)  a  Punic  admiralty  report.  From  MacPersons  Oshean 
Round  By  the  Tides  of  Jason  s  Cruise^  had  been  cleverly  capsized 
and  saucily  republished  as  a  dodecanesian  baedeker  of  the  every- 
tale-a-treat-in-itself  variety  which  could  hope  satisfactorily  to 
tickle  me  gander  as  game  as  your  goose. 

The  unmistaken  identity  of  the  persons  in  the  Tiberiast  du- 
plex came  to  light  in  the  most  devious  of  ways.  The  original 
document  was  in  what  is  known  as  Hanno  O'Nonhanno's  un- 
brookable  script,  that  is  to  say,  it  showed  no  signs  of  punctua- 
tion of  any  sort.  Yet  on  holding  the  verso  against  a  lit  rush  this 
new  book  of  Morses  responded  most  remarkably  to  the  silent 
query  of  our  world's  oldest  light  and  its  recto  let  out  the  piquant 

123 


fact  that  it  was  but  pierced  butnot  punctured  (in  the  university 
sense  of  the  term)  by  numerous  stabs  and  foliated  gashes  made 
by  a  pronged  instrument.  These  paper  wounds,  four  in  type, 
were  gradually  and  correctly  understood  to  mean  stop,  please 
stop,  do  please  stop,  and  O  do  please  stop  respectively,  and 
following  up  their  one  true  clue,  the  circumflexuous  wall  of  a 
singleminded  men's  asylum,  accentuated  by  bi  tso  fb  rok  engl 
a  ssan  dspl  itch  ina,  —  Yard  inquiries  pointed  out  — ^  that  they 
ad  bin  "provoked"  ay  A  fork,  of  a  grave  Brofesor;  ath  e's  Br^ak 
—  fast  —  table;  ;  acutely  professionally  piqued^  to=introdiice  a 
notion  of  time  [upon  a  plane  (?)  su  ' '  fag'e']  by  pianct!  ingh  oles 
(sic)  in  iSpace?!  Deeply  religious  by  nature  and  position,  and 
warmly  attached  to  Thee,  and  smearbread  and  better  and  Him 
and  newlaidills,  it  was  rightly  suspected  that  such  ire  could  not 
have  been  visited  by  him  Brotfressor  Prenderguest  even  under- 
wittingly,  upon  the  ancestral  pneuma  of  one  whom,  with  rheuma, 
he  venerated  shamelessly  at  least  once  a  week  at  Cockspur  Com- 
mon as  his  apple  in  his  eye  and  her  first  boys'  best  friend  and, 
though  plain  English  for  a  married  lady  misled  heaps  by  the  way, 
yet  when  some  peerer  or  peeress  detected  that  the  fourleaved 
shamrock  or  quadrifoil  jab  was  more  recurrent  wherever  the 
script  was  clear  and  the  term  terse  and  that  these  two  were  the 
selfsame  spots  naturally  selected  for  her  perforations  by  Dame 
Partlet  on  her  dungheap,  thinkers  all  put  grown  in  waterung- 
spillfull  Pratiland  only  and  a  playful  fowl  and  musical  me  and 
not  you  in  any  case,  two  and  two  together,  and,  with  a  swarm 
of  hisses  honeyhunting  after,  a  sigh  for  shyme  (O,  the  petty- 
bonny  rouge!)  separated  modest  mouths.  So  be  it.  And  it  was. 
The  letter  making  of  the  explots  of  Fjorgn  Camhelsson  when  he 
was  in  the  Kvinnes  country  with  Soldru's  men.  With  acknow- 
ledgment of  our  fervour  of  the  first  instant  he  remains  years  most 
fainfully.  For  postscrapt  see  spoils.  Though  not  yet  had  the  sailor 
sipped  that  sup  nor  the  humphar  foamed  to  the  fill.  And  fox  and 
geese  still  kept  the  peace  around  LAuherge  du  Pere  Adam, 

Small  need  after  that,  old  Jeromesolem,  old  Huffsnuff,  old 
Andycox,  old  Olecasandrum,  for  quizzing  your  weekenders  come 

124 


! 


to  the  R.Q.  with:  shoots  ofF  in  a  hiss,  muddles  up  in  a  mussmass 
and  his  whole's  a  dismantled  noondrunkard's  son.  Howbeit  we 
heard  not  a  son  of  sons  to  leave  by  him  to  oceanic  society  in  his 
old  man  without  a  thing  in  his  ignorance,  Tulko  MacHooley. 
And  it  was  thus  he  was  at  every  time,  that  son,  and  the  other 
time,  the  day  was  in  it  and  after  the  morrow  Diremood  is  the 
name  is  on  the  writing  chap  of  the  psalter,  the  juxtajunctor  of  a 
dearmate  and  he  passing  out  of  one  desire  into  its  fellow.  The 
daughters  are  after  going  and  loojing  for  him,  Torba's  nice- 
lookers  of  the  fair  neck.  Wanted  for  millinary  servance  to 
olderly's  person  by  the  Totty  Askinses.  Formelly  confounded 
with  amother.  Maybe  growing  a  moustache,  did  you  say,  with 
an  adorable  look  of  amuzement?  And  uses  noclass  billiardhalls 
with  an  upandown  ladder?  Not  Hans  the  Curier  though  had  he 
had  have  only  had  some  little  laughings  and  some  less  of  cheeks 
and  were  he  not  so  warried  by  his  bulb  of  persecussion  he  could 
have,  ay,  and  would  have,  as  true  as  Essex  bridge.  And  not  Go- 
pheph  go  gossip,  I  declare  to  man!  Noel  To  all's  much  relief 
one's  half  hypothesis  of  that  jabberjaw  ape  amok  the  showering 
jestnuts  of  Bruisanose  was  hotly  dropped  and  his  room  taken  up 
by  that  odious  and  still  today  insufficiently  malestimated  note- 
snatcher  (kak,  pfooi,  bosh  and  fiety,  much  earny,  Gus,  poteen? 
Sez  you!)  Shem  the  Penman. 


125 


So? 

Who  do  you  no  tonigh,  lazy  and  gentleman? 

The  echo  is  where  in  the  back  of  the  wodes;  callhim  forth! 

(Shaun  Mac  Irewick,  briefdragger,  for  the  concern  of  Messrs 
Jhon  Jhamieson  and  Song,  rated  one  hundrick  and  thin  per 
storehundred  on  this  nightly  quisquiquock  of  the  twelve  apos- 
trophes, set  by  Jockit  Mic  Ereweak.  He  misunderstruck  and  aim 
for  am  olio  of  number  three  of  them  and  left  his  free  natural  ri- 
postes to  four  of  them  in  their  own  fine  artful  disorder,) 

I.  What  secondtonone  myther  rector  and  maximost  bridges- 
maker  was  the  first  to  rise  taller  through  his  beanstale  than  the 
bluegum  buaboababbaun  or  the  giganteous  Wellingtonia  Sequoia; 
went  nudiboots  with  trouters  into  a  lifFeyette  when  she  was 
barely  in  her  tricklies;  was  well  known  to  claud  a  conciliation 
cap  onto  the  esker  of  his  booth;  sports  a  chainganger's  albert 
solemenly  over  his  hullender's  epulence;  thought  he  weighed  a 
new  ton  when  there  felled  his  first  lapapple;  gave  the  heinous- 
ness  of  choice  to  everyknight  betwixt  yesterdicks  and  twomaries; 
had  sevenal  successivecoloured  serebanmaids  on  the  same  big 
white  drawringroam  horthrug;  is  a  Willbeforce  to  this  hour  at 
house  as  he  was  in  heather;  pumped  the  catholick  wartrey  and 
shocked  the  prodestung  boyne;  killed  his  own  hungery  self  in 
anger  as  a  young  man;  found  fodder  for  five  when  allmarken 
rose  gofiooded;  with  Hirish  tutores  Cornish  made  easy;  voucher 

126 


of  rotables,  toll  of  the  road;  bred  manyheaded  stepsons  for  one 
leapyourown  taughter;  is  too  funny  for  a  fish  and  has  too  much 
outside  for  an  insect;  like  a  heptagon  crystal  emprisoms  trues  and 
fauss  for  us;  is  infinite  swell  in  unfitting  induments;  once  was  he 
shovelled  and  once  was  he  arsoned  and  once  was  he  inundered 
and  she  hung  him  out  billbailey;  has  a  quadrant  in  his  tile  to  tell 
Toler  cad  a'clog  it  is;  offers  chances  to  Long  on  but  stands  up 
to  Legge  before;  found  coal  at  the  end  of  his  harrow  and  moss- 
roses  behind  the  seams;  made  a  fort  out  of  his  postern  and  wrote 
F.E.R.T.  on  his  buckler;  is  escapemaster-in-chief  from  all  sorts 
of  houdingplaces;  if  he  outharrods  against  barkers,  to  the  shool- 
bred  he  acts  whiteley;  was  evacuated  at  the  mere  appearance  of 
three  germhuns  and  twice  besieged  by  a  sweep;  from  zoomor- 
phology  to  omnianimalism  he  is  brooched  by  the  spin  of  a  coin; 
towers,  an  eddistoon  amid  the  lampless,  casting  swannbeams  on 
the  deep;  threatens  thunder  upon  malefactors  and  sends  whispers 
up  fraufrau's  froufrous;  when  Dook  Hookbackcrook  upsits  his 
ass  booseworthies  jeer  and  junket  but  they  boos  him  oos  and  baas 
his  aas  when  he  lukes  like  Hunkett  Plunkett;  by  sosannsos  and 
search  a  party  on  a  lady  of  this  city;  business,  reading  news- 
paper, smoking  cigar,  arranging  tumblers  on  table,  eating  meals, 
pleasure,  etcetera,  etcetera,  pleasure,  eating  meals,  arranging  tum- 
blers on  table,  smoking  cigar,  reading  newspaper,  business; 
minerals,  wash  and  brush  up,  local  views,  juju  toffee,  comic  and 
birthdays  cards;  those  were  the  days  and  he  was  their  hero;  pink 
sunset  shower,  red  clay  cloud,  sorrow  or  Sahara,  oxhide  or  Iren; 
arraigned  and  attainted,  listed  and  lited,  pleaded  and  proved; 
catches  his  check  at  banck  of  Indgangd  and  endurses  his  doom  at 
chapel  exit;  brain  of  the  franks,  hand  of  the  christian,  tongue  of 
the  north;  commands  to  dinner  and  calls  the  bluff;  has  a  block  at 
Morgen's  and  a  hatache  all  the  afternunch;  plays  gehamerat  when 
he's  ernst  but  misses  mausey  when  he's  lustyg;  walked  as  far  as 
the  Head  where  he  sat  in  state  as  the  Rump;  shows  Early  Eng- 
lish tracemarks  and  a  marigold  window  with  manigilt  lights,  a 
myrioscope,  two  remarkable  piscines  and  three  wellworthseeing 
ambries;  arches  all  portcullised  and  his  nave  dates  from  dots;  is 

127 


a  horologe  unstoppable  and  the  Benn  of  all  bells;  fuit,  isst  and 
herit  and  though  he's  mildewstaned  he's  mouldystoned;  is  a  quer- 
cuss  in  the  forest  but  plane  member  for  Megalopolis;  mountun- 
mighty,  faunonfleetfoot;  plank  in  our  platform,  blank  in  our 
scouturn;  hidal,  in  carucates  he  is  enumerated,  hold  as  an  earl, 
he  counts;  shipshaped  phrase  of  buglooking  words  with  a  form 
like  the  easing  moments  of  a  graminivorous;  to  our  dooms 
brought  he  law,  our  manoirs  he  made  his  vill  of;  was  an  over- 
grind  to  the  underground  and  acqueduced  for  fierythroats;  sends 
boys  in  socks  acoughawhooping  when  he  lets  farth  his  carbon- 
oxside  and  silk  stockings  show  her  shapings  when  he  looses  hose 
on  hers;  stocks  dry  puder  for  the  111  people  and  pinkun's  pellets 
for  all  the  Pale;  gave  his  mundyfoot  to  Miserius,  her  pinch  to 
Anna  Livia,  that  superfine  pigtail  to  Cerisia  Cerosia  and  quid 
rides  to  Titius,  Caius  and  Sempronius;  made  the  man  who  had 
no  notion  of  shopkeepers  feel  he'd  rather  play  the  duke  than  play 
the  gentleman;  shot  two  queans  and  shook  three  caskles  when 
he  won  his  game  of  dwarfs;  fumes  inwards  like  a  strombolist  till 
he  smokes  at  both  ends;  manmote,  befier  of  him,  womankind, 
pietad!;  shows  one  white  drift  of  snow  among  the  gorsegrowth 
of  his  crown  and  a  chaperon  of  repentance  on  that  which  shed 
gore;  pause  and  quies,  triple  bill;  went  by  metro  for  the  polis  and 
then  hoved  by;  to  the  finders,  hail!  woa,  you  that  seek!;  whom 
fillth  had  plenished,  dearth  devoured;  hock  is  leading,  cocoa  comes 
next,  emery  tries  for  the  flag;  can  dance  the  O' Bruin's  polerpasse 
at  Noolahn  to  his  own  orchistruss  accompaniment;  took  place 
before  the  internatural  convention  of  catholic  midwives  and 
found  stead  before  the  congress  for  the  study  of  endonational 
calamities;  makes  a  delictuous  entree  and  finishes  off  the  course 
between  sweets  and  savouries;  flouts  for  forecasts,  flairs  for  finds 
and  the  fun  of  the  fray  on  the  fairground;  cleared  out  three  hun- 
dred sixty  five  idles  to  set  up  one  all  khalassal  for  henwives  hoping 
to  have  males;  the  flawhoolagh,  the  grasping  one,  the  kindler  of 
paschal  fire;  forbids  us  our  trespassers  as  we  forgate  him;  the 
phoenix  be  his  pyre,  the  cineres  his  sire!;  piles  big  pelium  on 
little  ossas  like  the  pilluls  of  hirculeads;  has  an  eatupus  complex 

128 


1 


and  a  drinkthedregs  kink;  wurstmeats  for  chumps  and  cowcar- 
lows  for  scullions;  when  he  plies  for  our  favour  is  very  trolly 
ours;  two  psychic  espousals  and  three  desertions;  may  be  matter 
of  fact  now  but  was  futter  of  magd  then;  Cattermole  Hill,  ex- 
mountain  of  flesh  was  reared  up  by  stress  and  sank  under  strain; 
tank  it  up,  dank  it  up,  tells  the  tailor  to  his  tout;  entoutcas  for  a 
man,  but  bit  a  thimble  for  a  maid;  blimp,  blump;  a  dud  letter,  a  sing 
a  song  a  sylble;  a  byword,  a  sentence  with  surcease;  while  stands 
his  canyouseehim  frails  shall  fall;  was  hatched  at  Cellbridge  but 
ejoculated  abrood;  as  it  gan  in  the  biguinnengs  so  wound  up  in 
a  battle  of  Boss;  Roderick,  Roderick,  Roderick,  O,  youVe  gone 
the  way  of  the  Danes;  variously  catalogued,  regularly  regrouped; 
a  bushboys  holoday,  a  quacker's  mating,  a  wenches'  sandbath; 
the  same  homoheatherous  checkinlossegg  as  when  sollyeye  airly 
blew  ye;  real  detonation  but  false  report;  spa  mad  but  inn  sane; 
half  emillian  via  bogus  census  but  a  no  street  hausmann  when 
allphannd;  is  the  handiest  of  all  andies  and  a  most  alleghant  spot 
to  dump  your  hump;  hands  his  secession  to  the  new  patricius  but 
plumps  plebmatically  for  the  bloody  old  centuries;  eats  with 
doors  open  and  ruts  with  gates  closed;  some  dub  him  Rotshield 
and  more  limn  him  Rockyfellow;  shows  he's  fly  to  both  demis- 
fairs  but  thries  to  cover  up  his  tracers;  seven  dovecotes  cooclaim 
to  have  been  pigeonheim  to  this  homer,  Smerrnion,  Rhoebok, 
Kolonsreagh,  Seapoint,  Quayhowth,  Ashtown,  Ratheny;  inde- 
pendent of  the  lordship  of  chamberlain,  acknowledging  the  rule 
of  Rome;  we  saw  thy  farm  at  Useful  Prine,  Domhnall,  Domhnall; 
reeks  like  Illbelpaese  and  looks  like  Iceland's  ear;  lodged  at  quot 
places,  lived  through  tot  reigns;  takes  a  szumbath  for  his  weekend 
and  a  wassarnap  for  his  refreskment;  after  a  good  bout  at  stool- 
ball  enjoys  Giroflee  Giroflaa;  what  Nevermore  missed  and 
Colombo  found;  believes  in  everyman  his  own  goaldkeeper  and 
in  Africa  for  the  fullblacks;  the  arc  of  his  drive  was  forty  full 
and  his  stumps  were  pulled  at  eighty;  boasts  him  to  the  thick-in- 
thews  the  oldest  creater  in  Aryania  and  looks  down  on  the  Suiss 
family  Collesons  whom  he  calls  les  nouvelles  roches;  though  his 
heart,  soul  and  spirit  turn  to  pharaoph  times,  his  love,  faith  and 

129 


hope  stick  to  futuerism;  light  leglifters  cense  him  souriantes  from 
afore  while  boor  browbenders  curse  him  grommelants  to  his 
hindmost;  between  youlasses  and  yeladst  glimse  of  Even;  the 
Lug  his  peak  has,  the  Luk  his  pile;  drinks  tharr  and  wodhar  for 
his  asama  and  eats  the  unparishable  sow  to  styve  off  reglar  rack; 
the  beggars  cloak  them  reclined  about  his  paddystool,  the  whores 
winken  him  as  they  walk  their  side;  on  Christienmas  at  Advent 
Lodge,  New  Yealand,  after  a  lenty  illness  the  roeverand  Mr 
Easterling  of  pentecostitis,  no  followers  by  bequest,  fanfare  all 
private;  Gone  Where  Glory  Waits  Him  (Ball,  bulletist)  but  Not 
Here  Yet  (Maxwell,  dark);  comminxed  under  articles  but  phoe- 
nished  a  borgiess;  from  the  vat  on  the  bier  through  the  burre  in 
the  dark  to  the  buttle  of  the  bawn;  is  Ai  an  the  highest  but  Roh 
re  his  root;  filled  fanned  of  hackleberries  whenas  all  was  tuck 
and  toss  up  for  him  as  a  yangster  to  fall  fou  of  hockinbechers 
wherein  he  had  gauged  the  use  of  raisin;  ads  aliments,  das  doles, 
raps  rustics,  tams  turmoil;  sas  seed  enough  for  a  semination  but 
sues  skivvies  on  the  sly;  learned  to  speak  from  hand  to  mouth 
till  he  could  talk  earish  with  his  eyes  shut;  hacked  his  way  through 
hickheckhocks  but  hanged  hishelp  from  there  hereafters;  rialtos, 
annesleyg,  binn  and  balls  to  say  nothing  atolk  of  New  Comyn; 
the  gleam  of  the  glow  of  the  shine  of  the  sun  through  the 
dearth  of  the  dirth  on  the  blush  of  the  brick  of  the  viled  ville  of 
Barnehulme  has  dust  turned  to  brown;  these  dyed  to  tartan  him, 
rueroot,  dulse,  bracken,  teasel,  fuller's  ash,  sundew  and  cress; 
long  gunn  but  not  for  cotton;  stood  his  sharp  assault  of  famine 
but  grew  girther,  girther  and  girther;  he  has  twenty  four  or  so 
cousins  germinating  in  the  United  States  of  America  and  a 
namesake  with  an  initial  difference  in  the  once  kingdom  of 
Poland;  his  first's  a  young  rose  and  his  second's  French- 
Egyptian  and  his  whole  means  a  slump  at  Christie's;  forth  of  his 
pierced  part  came  the  woman  of  his  dreams,  blood  thicker  then 
water  last  trade  overseas;  buyshop  of  Glintylook,  eorl  of  Hoed; 
you  and  I  are  in  him  surrented  by  brwn  bldns;  Elin's  flee  polt 
pelhaps  but  Hwang  Chang  evelytime;  he  one  was  your  of  high- 
bigpipey  boys  but  fancy  him  as  smoking  fags  his  at  time  of 

130 


m 


life;  Mount  of  Mish,  Mell  of  Moy;  had  two  cardinal  ventures  and 
three  capitol  sinks;  has  a  peep  in  his  pocketbook  and  a  packet- 
boat  in  his  keep;  B.V.H.,  B.L.G.,  P.P.M.,  T.D.S.,  V.B.D., 
T.C.H.,  L.O.N.;  is  Breakfates,  Lunger,  Diener  and  Souper;  as 
the  streets  were  paved  with  cold  he  felt  his  topperairy;  taught 
himself  skating  and  learned  how  to  fall;  distinctly  dirty  but  rather 
a  dear;  hoveth  chieftains  evrywehr,  with  morder;  Ostman 
Effendi,  Serge  Paddishaw;  baases  two  mmany,  outpriams  aF 
his  parisites;  first  of  the  fenians,  roi  des  faineants^  his  Tiara  of 
scones  was  held  unfillable  till  one  Liam  Fail  felled  him  in  West- 
munster;  was  struck  out  of  his  sittem  when  he  rowed  saulely  to 
demask  us  and  to  our  appauling  predicament  brought  as  plagues 
from  Buddapest;  put  a  matchhead  on  an  aspenstalk  and  set  the 
living  a  fire;  speared  the  rod  and  spoiled  the  lightning;  married 
with  cakes  and  repunked  with  pleasure;  till  he  was  buried  how- 
happy  was  he  and  he  made  the  welkins  ring  with  Up  Micawberf; 
god  at  the  top  of  the  staircase,  carrion  on  the  mat  of  straw; 
the  false  hood  of  a  spindler  web  chokes  the  cavemouth  of  his 
unsightliness  but  the  nestlings  that  liven  his  leafscreen  sing  him 
a  lover  of  arbuties;  we  strike  hands  over  his  bloodied  warsheet 
but  we  are  pledged  entirely  to  his  green  mantle;  our  friend 
vikelegal,  our  swaran  foi;  under  the  four  stones  by  his  streams 
who  vanished  the  wassailbowl  at  the  joy  of  shells;  Mora  and 
Lora  had  a  hill  of  a  high  time  looking  down  on  his  confusion  till 
firm  look  in  readiness,  forward  spear  and  the  windfoot  of  curach 
strewed  the  lakemist  of  Lego  over  the  last  of  his  fields;  we 
darkened  for  you,  faulterer,  in  the  year  of  mourning  but  we'll 
fidhil  to  the  dimtwinklers  when  the  streamy  morvenlight  calls  up 
the  sunbeam;  his  striped  pantaloons,  his  rather  strange  walk; 
hereditatis  columna  erecta^  hagion  chiton  eraphon;  nods  a  nap  for 
the  nonce  but  crows  cheerio  when  they  get  ecunemical;  is  a  simul- 
taneous equator  of  elimbinated  integras  when  three  upon  one  is 
by  inspection  improper;  has  the  most  conical  hodpiece  of  con- 
fusianist  heronim  and  that  chuchuffuous  chinchin  of  his  is  like 
a  footsey  kungoloo  around  Taishantyland;  he's  as  globeful  as  a 
gasometer  of  lithium  and  luridity  and  he  was  thrice  ten  anular 

131 


years  before  he  wallowed  round  Raggiant  Circos;  the  cabalstone 
at  the  coping  of  his  cavin  is  a  canine  constant  but  only  an  amiri- 
can  could  apparoxemete  the  apeupresiosity  of  his  atlast's  alonge- 
ment;  sticklered  rights  and  lefts  at  Baddersdown  in  his  hunt  for 
the  boar  trwth  but  made  his  end  with  the  modareds  that  came 
at  him  in  Camlenstrete;  a  hunnibal  in  exhaustive  conflict,  an  otho 
to  return;  burning  body  to  aiger  air  on  melting  mountain  in 
wooing  wave;  we  go  into  him  sleepy  children,  we  come  out  of 
him  strucklers  for  life;  he  divested  to  save  from  the  Mrs  Drown- 
ings their  rival  queens  while  Grimshaw,  Bragshaw  and  Renshaw 
made  off  with  his  storen  clothes;  taxed  and  rated,  licensed  and 
ranted;  his  threefaced  stonehead  was  found  on  a  whitehorse  hill 
and  the  print  of  his  costellous  feet  is  seen  in  the  goat's  grass- 
circle;  pull  the  blind,  toll  the  deaf  and  call  dumb,  lame  and  halty; 
Miraculone,  Monstrucceleen;  led  the  upplaws  at  the  Creation  and 
hissed  a  snake  charmer  off  her  stays;  hounded  become  haunter, 
hunter  become  fox;  harrier,  marrier,  terrier,  tav;  Olaph  the  Ox- 
man,  Thorker  the  Tourable;  you  feel  he  is  Vespasian  yet  you 
think  of  him  as  Aurelius;  whugamore,  tradertory,  socianist,  com- 
moniser;  made  a  summer  assault  on  our  shores  and  begiddy  got 
his  sands  full;  first  he  shot  down  Raglan  Road  and  then  he  tore 
up  Marlborough  Place;  Cromlechheight  and  Crommalhill  were 
his  farfamed  feetrests  when  our  lurch  as  lout  let  free  into  the 
Lubar  beloved;  mareschalled  his  wardmotes  and  delimited  the 
main;  netted  before  nibbling,  can  scarce  turn  a  scale  but,  grossed 
after  meals,  weighs  a  town  in  himself;  Banba  prayed  for  his  con- 
version, Beurla  missed  that  grand  old  voice;  a  Colossus  among 
cabbages,  the  Melarancitrone  of  fruits;  larger  than  life,  doughtier 
than  death;  Gran  Turco,  orege  forment;  lachsembulger,  leperlean; 
the  sparkle  of  his  genial  fancy,  the  depth  of  his  calm  sagacity,  the 
clearness  of  his  spotless  honour,  the  flow  of  his  boundless  bene- 
volence; our  family  furbear,  our  tribal  tarnpike;  quary  was  he 
invincibled  and  cur  was  he  burked;  partitioned  Irskaholm,  united 
Irishmen;  he  took  a  svig  at  his  own  methyr  but  she  tested  a  bit 
gorky  and  as  for  the  salmon  he  was  coming  up  in  him  all  life 
long;  comm,  eilerdich,  hecklebury  and  sawyer  thee,  warden; 

132 


silent  as  the  bee  in  honey,  stark  as  the  breath  on  hauwck,  Cos- 
tello,  Kinsella,  Mahony,  Moran,  though  you  rope  Amrique  your 
home  ruler  is  Dan;  figure  right,  he  is  hoisted  by  the  scurve  of 
his  shaggy  neck,  figure  left,  he  is  rationed  in  isobaric  patties 
among  the  crew;  one  asks  was  he  poisoned,  one  thinks  how  much 
did  he  leave;  ex-gardener  (Riesengebirger),  fitted  up  with 
planturous  existencies  would  make  Roseoogreedy  (mite's)  little 
hose;  taut  sheets  and  scuppers  awash  but  the  oil  silk  mack  Liebs- 
terpet  micks  his  aquascutum;  the  enjoyment  he  took  in  kay 
women,  the  employment  he  gave  to  gee  men;  sponsor  to  a  squad 
of  piercers,  ally  to  a  host  of  rawlies;  against  lightning,  explosion, 
fire,  earthquake,  flood,  whirlwind,  burglary,  third  party,  rot,  loss 
of  cash,  loss  of  credit,  impact  of  vehicles;  can  rant  as  grave  as 
oxtail  soup  and  chat  as  gay  as  a  porto  flippant;  is  unhesitent  in 
his  unionism  and  yet  a  pigotted  nationalist;  Sylviacola  is  shy  of 
him,  Matrosenhosens  nose  the  joke;  shows  the  sinews  of  peace  in 
his  chest-o-wars;  fiefeofhome,  ninehundred  and  thirtunine  years 
of  copyhold;  is  aldays  open  for  polemypolity's  sake  when  he's  not 
suntimes  closed  for  the  love  of  Janus;  sucks  life's  eleaxir  from 
the  pettipickles  of  the  Jewess  and  ruoulls  in  sulks  if  any  popeling 
runs  down  the  Huguenots;  Boomaport,  Walleslee,  Ubermeerschall 
Blowcher  and  Supercharger,  Monsieur  Ducrow,  Mister  Mudson, 
master  gardiner;  to  one  he's  just  paunch  and  judex,  to  another 
full  of  beans  and  brehons;  hallucination,  cauchman,  ectoplasm; 
passed  for  baabaa  blacksheep  till  he  grew  white  woo  woo  woolly; 
was  drummatoysed  by  Mac  Milligan's  daughter  and  put  to  music 
by  one  shoebard;  all  fitzpatricks  in  his  emirate  remember  him,  the 
boys  of  wetford  hail  him  babu;  indanified  himself  with  boro  tribute 
and  was  schenkt  publicly  to  brigstoll;  was  given  the  light  in  drey 
orchafts  and  entumuled  in  threeplexes;  his  likeness  is  in  Terrecuite 
and  he  giveth  rest  to  the  rainbowed;  lebriety,  frothearnity  and 
quality;  his  reverse  makes  a  virtue  of  necessity  while  his  obverse 
mars  a  mother  by  invention;  beskilk  his  gunwale  and  he's  the 
second  imperial,  untie  points,  unhook  tenters  and  he's  lath  and 
plaster;  calls  upon  Allthing  when  he  fails  to  appeal  to  Eachovos; 
basidens,  ardree,  kongsemma,  rexregulorum;  stood  into  Dee  mouth, 

133 


then  backed  broadside  on  Baulacleeva;  either  eldorado  or  ultimate 
thole;  a  kraal  of  fou  feud  fires,  a  crawl  of  five  pubs;  laid  out  lash- 
ings of  laveries  to  hunt  down  his  family  ancestors  and  then  pled 
double  trouble  or  quick  quits  to  hush  the  buckers  up;  threw  peb- 
blets  for  luck  over  one  sodden  shoulder  and  dragooned  peoplades 
armed  to  their  teeth;  pept  as  Gaudio  Gambrinus,  grim  as  Potter 
the  Grave;  ace  of  arts,  deuce  of  damimonds,  trouble  of  clubs,  fear 
of  spates;  cumbrum,  cumbrum,  twiniceynurseys  fore  a  drum  but 
tre  to  uno  tips  the  scale;  reeled  the  titleroll  opposite  a  brace  of 
girdles  in  Silver  on  the  Screen  but  was  sequenced  from  the  set 
as  Crookback  by  the  even  more  titulars,  Rick,  Dave  and  Barry; 
he  can  get  on  as  early  as  the  twentysecond  of  Mars  but  occasion- 
ally he  doesn't  come  off  before  Virgintiquinque  Germinal;  his  In- 
dian name  is  Hapapoosiesobjibway  and  his  number  in  arithmo- 
sophy  is  the  stars  of  the  plough;  took  weapon  in  the  province  of 
the  pike  and  let  fling  his  line  on  Eelwick;  moves  in  vicous  cicles 
yet  remews  the  same;  the  drain  rats  bless  his  offals  while  the  park 
birds  curse  his  floodlights;  Portobello,  Equadocta,  Therecocta, 
Percorello;  he  pours  into  the  softclad  shellborn  the  hard  cash 
earned  in  Watling  Street;  his  birth  proved  accidental  shows  his 
death  its  grave  mistake;  brought  us  giant  ivy  from  the  land  of 
younkers  and  bewitthered  Apostolopolos  with  the  gale  of  his  gall; 
while  satisfied  that  soft  youthful  bright  matchless  girls  should 
bosom  into  fine  silkclad  joyous  blooming  young  women  is  not 
so  pleased  that  heavy  swearsome  strongsmelling  irregularshaped 
men  should  blottout  active  handsome  wellformed  frankeyed  boys; 
herald  hairyfair,  alloaf  the  wheat;  husband  your  aunt  and  endow 
your  nepos;  hearken  but  hush  it,  screen  him  and  see;  time  is, 
an  archbishopric,  time  was,  a  tradesmen's  entrance;  beckburn 
brooked  with  wath,  scale  scarred  by  scow;  his  rainfall  is  a  couple 
of  kneehighs  while  his  meanst  grass  temperature  marked  three  in 
the  shade;  is  the  meltingpoint  of  snow  and  the  bubblingplace  of 
alcohol;  has  a  tussle  with  the  trulls  and  then  does  himself  justice; 
hinted  at  in  the  eschatological  chapters  of  Humphrey's  Justesse 
of  the  Jaypees  and  hunted  for  by  Theban  recensors  who  sniff 
there's  something  behind  the  Bug  of  the  Deaf;  the  king  was  in 

134 


his  cornerwall  melking  mark  so  murry,  the  queen  was  steep  in 
armbour  feeling  fain  and  furry,  the  mayds  was  midst  the  haw- 
thorns shoeing  up  their  hose,  out  pimps  the  back  guards  (pomp !) 
and  pump  gun  they  goes;  to  all  his  foretellers  he  reared  a  stone 
and  for  all  his  comethers  he  planted  a  tree;  forty  acres,  sixty  miles, 
white  stripe,  red  stripe,  washes  his  fleet  in  annacrwatter;  whou 
missed  a  porter  so  whot  shall  he  do  for  he  wanted  to  sit  for 
Pimploco  but  they've  caught  him  to  stand  for  Sue?;  Dutchlord, 
Dutchlord,  overawes  us;  Headmound,  king  and  martyr,  dunstung 
in  the  Yeast,  Pitre-le-Pore-in  Petrin,  Barth-the-Grete-by-the- 
Exchange;  he  hestens  towards  dames  troth  and  wedding  hand 
like  the  prince  of  Orange  and  Nassau  while  he  has  trinity  left 
behind  him  like  Bowlbeggar  Bill-the-Bustonly;  brow  of  a  hazel- 
wood,  pool  in  the  dark;  changes  blowicks  into  bullocks  and  a 
well  of  Artesia  into  a  bird  of  Arabia;  the  handwriting  on  his 
facewall,  the  cryptoconchoidsiphonostomata  in  his  exprussians; 
his  birthspot  lies  beyond  the  herospont  and  his  burialplot  in  the 
pleasant  little  field;  is  the  yldist  kiosk  on  the  pleninsula  and  the 
unguest  hostel  in  Saint  Scholarland;  walked  many  hundreds  and 
many  score  miles  of  streets  and  lit  thousands  in  one  nightlights 
in  hectares  of  windows;  his  great  wide  cloak  lies  on  fifteen  acres 
and  his  little  white  horse  decks  by  dozens  our  doors;  O  sorrow 
the  sail  and  woe  the  rudder  that  were  set  for  Mairie  Quail;  his 
suns  the  huns,  his  dartars  the  tartars,  are  plenty  here  today;  who 
repulsed  from  his  burst  the  bombolts  of  Ostenton  and  falchioned 
each  flash  downsaduck  in  the  deep;  apersonal  problem,  a  loca- 
tive enigma;  upright  one,  vehicule  of  arcanisation  in  the  field, 
lying  chap,  floodsupplier  of  celiculation  through  ebblanes;  a  part 
of  the  whole  as  a  port  for  a  whale;  Dear  Hewitt  Castello,  Equerry, 
were  daylighted  with  our  outing  and  are  looking  backwards  to 
unearly  summers,  from  Rhoda  Dundrums;  is  above  the  seedfruit 
level  and  outside  the  leguminiferous  zone;  when  older  links  lock 
older  hearts  then  he'll  resemble  she;  can  be  built  with  glue  and 
clippings,  scrawled  or  voided  on  a  buttress;  the  night  express 
sings  his  story,  the  song  of  sparrownotes  on  his  stave  of  wires; 
he  crawls  with  lice,  he  swarms  with  saggarts;  is  as  quiet  as  a 

135 


mursque  but  can  be  as  noisy  as  a  sonogog;  was  Dilmun  when  his 
date  was  palmy  and  Mudlin  when  his  nut  was  cracked;  suck  up 
the  sease,  lep  laud  at  ease,  one  lip  on  his  lap  and  one  cushlin  his 
crease;  his  porter  has  a  mighty  grasp  and  his  baxters  the  boon  of 
broadwhite;  as  far  as  wind  dries  and  rain  eats  and  sun  turns 
and  water  bounds  he  is  exalted  and  depressed,  assembled  and 
asundered;  go  away,  we  are  deluded,  come  back,  we  are  dis- 
ghosted;  bored  the  Ostrov,  leapt  the  Inferus,  swam  the  Mabbul 
and  flure  the  Moyle;  like  fat,  like  fatlike  tallow,  of  greasefulness, 
yea  of  dripping  greasefulness;  did  not  say  to  the  old,  old,  did  not 
say  to  the  scorbutic,  scorbutic;  he  has  founded  a  house,  Uru, 
a  house  he  has  founded  to  which  he  has  assigned  its  fate;  bears 
a  raaven  geulant  on  a  f  jeld  duiv;  ruz  the  halo  off  his  varlet  when 
he  appeared  to  his  shecook  as  Haycock,  Emmet,  Boaro,  Toaro, 
Osterich,  Mangy  and  Skunk;  pressed  the  beer  of  aled  age  out  of 
the  nettles  of  rashness;  put  a  roof  on  the  lodge  for  Hymn  and  a 
coq  in  his  pot  pro  homo;  was  dapifer  then  pancircensor  then 
hortifex  magnus;  the  topes  that  tippled  on  him,  the  types  that 
toppled  off  him;  still  starts  our  hares  yet  gates  our  goat;  pocket- 
book  packetboat,  gapman  gunrun;  the  light  of  other  days,  dire 
dreary  darkness;  our  awful  dad,  Timour  of  Tortur;  puzzling, 
startling,  shocking,  nay,  perturbing;  went  pufiing  from  king's 
brugh  to  new  customs,  doffing  the  gibbous  off  him  to  every 
breach  of  all  size;  with  Pa's  new  heft  and  Papa's  new  helve  he's 
Papapa's  old  cutlass  Papapapa  left  us;  when  youngheaded  old- 
shouldered  and  middlishneck  aged  about;  caller  herring  every- 
daily,  turgid  tarpon  overnight;  see  Loryon  the  comaleon  that 
changed  endocrine  history  by  loeven  his  loaf  with  forty  bannucks; 
she  drove  him  dafe  till  he  driv  her  blind  up;  the  pigeons  doves  be 
perchin  all  over  him  one  day  on  Baslesbridge  and  the  ravens  duv 
be  pitchin  their  dark  nets  after  him  the  next  night  behind  Koenig- 
stein's  Arbour;  tronf  of  the  rep,  comf  of  the  priv,  prosp  of  the 
pub;  his  headwood  it's  ideal  if  his  feet  are  bally  clay;  he  crashed 
in  the  hollow  of  the  park,  trees  down,  as  he  soared  in  the  vaguum 
of  the  phoenix,  stones  up;  looks  like  a  moultain  boultter  and 
sounds  like  a  rude  word;  the  mountaen  view,  some  lumin  pale 

136 


round  a  lamp  of  succar  in  boinyn  water;  three  shots  a  puddy  at 
up  blup  saddle;  made  up  to  Miss  MacCormack  Ni  Lacarthy  who 
made  off  with  Darly  Dermod,  swank  and  swarthy;  once  diamond 
cut  garnet  now  dammat  cuts  groany;  you  might  find  him  at  the 
Florence  but  watch  our  for  him  in  Wynn's  Hotel;  theer's  his 
bow  and  wheer's  his  leaker  and  heer  lays  his  bequiet  hearse, 
deep;  Swed  Albiony,  likeliest  villain  of  the  place;  Hennery  Can- 
terel  —  Cockran,  eggotisters,  limitated;  we  take  our  tays  and 
frees  our  fleas  round  sadum*s  mounted  foot;  built  the  Lund's 
kirk  and  destroyed  the  church's  land;  who  guesse  his  title  grabs 
his  deeds;  fletch  and  prities,  fash  and  chaps;  artful  Juke  of  Wilysly; 
Hugglebelly's  Funniral;  Kukkuk  Kallikak;  heard  in  camera  and 
excruciated;  boon  when  with  benches  billeted,  bann  if  buckshot- 
backshattered;  heavengendered,  chaosfoedted,  earthborn;  his 
father  presumptively  ploughed  it  deep  on  overtime  and  his 
mother  as  all  evince  must  have  travailled  her  fair  share;  a  foot- 
prinse  on  the  Megacene,  hetman  unwhorsed  by  Searingsand; 
honorary  captain  of  the  extemporised  fire  brigade,  reported  to 
be  friendly  with  the  police;  the  door  is  still  open;  the  old  stock 
collar  is  coming  back;  not  forgetting  the  time  you  laughed  at 
Elder  Charterhouse's  duckwhite  pants  and  the  way  you  said  the 
whole  township  can  see  his  hairy  legs;  by  stealth  of  a  kersse  her 
aulburntress  abaft  his  nape  she  hung;  when  his  kettle  became  a 
hearthsculdus  our  thorstyites  set  their  lymphyamphyre;  his  year- 
letter  concocted  by  masterhands  of  assays,  his  hallmark  imposed 
by  the  standard  of  wrought  plate;  a  pair  of  pectorals  and  a  triple- 
screen  to  get  a  wind  up;  lights  his  pipe  with  a  rosin  tree  and  hires 
a  towhorse  to  haul  his  shoes;  cures  slavey's  scurvy,  breaks 
barons  boils;  called  to  sell  polosh  and  was  found  later  in  a  bed- 
room; has  his  seat  of  justice,  his  house  of  mercy,  his  corn  o'copious 
and  his  stacks  a'rye;  prospector,  he  had  a  rooksacht,  retrospector, 
he  holds  the  holpenstake;  won  the  freedom  of  new  yoke  for  the 
minds  of  jugoslaves;  acts  active,  peddles  in  passivism  and  is  a 
gorgon  of  selfridgeousness;  pours  a  laughsworth  of  his  informa- 
tion over  a  larmsworth  of  salt;  half  heard  the  single  maiden 
speech  La  Belle  spun  to  her  Grand  Mount  and  wholed  a  lifetime 

137 


by  his  ain  fireside,  wondering  was  it  hebrew  set  to  himmeltones 
or  the  quicksilversong  of  qwaternions;  his  troubles  may  be  over 
but  his  doubles  have  still  to  come;  the  lobster  pot  that  crabbed 
our  keel,  the  garden  pet  that  spoiled  our  squeezed  peas;  he  stands 
in  a  lovely  park,  sea  is  not  far,  importunate  towns  of  X,  Y  and 
Z  are  easily  over  reached;  is  an  excrescence  to  civilised  humanity 
and  but  a  wart  on  Europe;  wanamade  singsigns  to  soundsense 
an  yit  he  wanna  git  all  his  flesch  nuemaid  motts  truly  prural  and 
plusible;  has  excisively  large  rings  and  is  uncustomarily  perfumed; 
lusteth  ath  he  listeth  the  cleah  whithpeh  of  a  themise;  is  a  prince 
of  the  fingallian  in  a  hiberniad  of  hoolies;  has  a  hodge  to  wherry 
him  and  a  frenchy  to  curry  him  and  a  brabanson  for  his  beeter  and 
a  fritz  at  his  switch;  was  waylaid  of  a  parker  and  beschotten  by  a 
buckeley;  kicks  lintils  when  he's  cuppy  and  casts  Jacob's  arroroots, 
dime  after  dime,  to  poor  waifstrays  on  the  perish;  reads  the  charms 
of  H.  C.  Endersen  all  the  weaks  of  his  evenin  and  the  crimes  of 
Ivaun  the  Taurrible  every  strongday  morn;  soaps  you  soft  to  your 
face  and  slaps  himself  when  he's  badend;  owns  the  bulgiest  bung- 
barrel  that  ever  was  tiptapped  in  the  privace  of  the  Mullingar 
Inn;  was  born  with  a  nuasilver  tongue  in  his  mouth  and  went 
round  the  coast  of  Iron  with  his  lift  hand  to  the  scene;  raised  but 
two  fingers  and  yet  smelt  it  would  day;  for  whom  it  is  easier  to 
found  a  see  in  Ebblannah  than  for  I  or  you  to  find  a  dubbeltye 
in  Dampsterdamp;  to  live  with  whom  is  a  lifemayor  and  to  know 
whom  a  liberal  education;  was  dipped  in  Hoily  Olives  and  chrys- 
med  in  Scent  Otooles;  hears  cricket  on  the  earth  but  annoys  the 
life  out  of  predikants;  still  turns  the  durc's  ear  of  Darius  to  the 
now  thoroughly  infurioted  one  of  God;  made  Man  with  juts 
that  jerk  and  minted  money  mong  maney;  likes  a  six  acup  pud- 
ding when  he's  come  whome  sweetwhome;  has  come  through  all 
the  eras  of  livsadventure  from  moonshine  and  shampaying  down 
to  clouts  and  pottled  porter;  woollem  the  farsed,  hahnreich  the 
althe,  charge  the  sackend,  writchad  the  thord;  if  a  mandrake 
shrieked  to  convultures  at  last  surviving  his  birth  the  weibduck 
will  wail  bitternly  over  the  rotter's  resurrection;  loses  weight  in 
the  moon  night  but  girds  girder  by  the  sundawn;  with  one  touch 

138 


of  nature  set  a  veiled  world  agrin  and  went  within  a  sheet  of 
tissuepaper  of  the  option  of  three  gaols;  who  could  see  at  one 
blick  a  saumon  taken  with  a  lance,  hunters  pursuing  a  doe,  a 
swallowship  in  full  sail,  a  whyterobe  lifting  a  host;  faced  flappery 
like  old  King  Cnut  and  turned  his  back  like  Cincinnatus;  is  a 
farfar  and  morefar  and  a  hoar  father  Nakedbucker  in  villas  old  as 
new;  squats  aquart  and  cracks  aquaint  when  it's  flaggin  in  town 
and  on  haven;  blows  whiskery  around  his  summit  but  stehts 
stout  upon  his  footles;  stutters  fore  he  falls  and  goes  mad  entirely 
when  he's  waked;  is  Timb  to  the  pearly  mom  and  Tomb  to  the 
mourning  night;  and  an  he  had  the  best  bunbaked  bricks  in  bould 
Babylon  for  his  pitching  plays  he'd  be  lost  for  the  want  of  his 
wan  wubblin  wall? 

Answer:  Finn  MacCool! 

2.  Does  your  mutter  know  your  mike? 

Answer:  When  I  turn  meoptics,  from  suchurban  prospects, 
'tis  my  filial's  bosom,  doth  behold  with  pride,  that  pontificator, 
and  circumvallator,  with  his  dam  night  garrulous,  slipt  by  his 
side.  Ann  alive,  the  lisp  of  her,  'twould  grig  mountains  whisper 
her,  and  the  bergs  of  Iceland  melt  in  waves  of  fire,  and  her  spoon- 
me-spondees,  and  her  dirckle-me-ondenees,  make  the  Rageous 
Ossean,  kneel  and  quaff  a  lyre!  If  Dann's  dane,  Ann's  dirty,  if 
he's  plane  she's  purty,  if  he's  fane,  she's  flirty,  with  her  auburnt 
streams,  and  her  coy  cajoleries,  and  her  dabblin  drolleries,  for  to 
rouse  his  rudderup,  or  to  drench  his  dreams.  If  hot  Hammurabi, 
or  cowld  Clesiastes,  could  espy  her  pranklings,  they'd  burst 
bounds  agin,  and  renounce  their  ruings,  and  denounce  their  do- 
ings, for  river  and  iver,  and  a  night.  Amin ! 

3.  Which  title  is  the  true-to-type  motto-in-lieu  for  that  Tick 
for  Teac  thatchment  painted  witt  wheth  one  darkness,  where 
asnake  is  under  clover  and  birds  aprowl  are  in  the  rookeries  and 
a  magda  went  to  monkishouse  and  a  riverpaard  was  spotted, 
which  is  not  Whichcroft  Whorort  not  Ousterholm  Dreyschluss 
not  Haraldsby,  grocer,  not  Vatandcan,  vintner,  not  Houseboat 
and  Hive  not  Knox-atta-Belle  not  O'Faynix  Coalprince  not 
Wohn  Squarr  Roomyeck  not  Ebblawn  Downes  not  Le  Decer 

139 


Le  Mieux  not  Benjamin's  Lea  not  Tholomew's  Whaddingtun 
gnot  Antwarp  gnat  Musca  not  Corry's  not  Weir's  not  the  Arch 
not  The  Smug  not  The  Dotch  House  not  The  Uval  nothing 
Grand  nothing  Splendid  (Grahot  or  Spletel)  nayther  Erat  Est 
Erit  noor  Non  michi  sed  luciphro? 

Answer:  Thine  obesity,  O  civilian,  hits  the  felicitude  of  our 
orb! 

4.  What  Irish  capitol  city  (a  dea  o  dea!)  of  two  syllables  and 
six  letters,  with  a  deltic  origin  and  a  nuinous  end,  (ah  dust  oh 
dust!)  can  boost  of  having  a)  the  most  extensive  public  park  in 
the  world,  3)  the  most  expensive  brewing  industry  in  the  world, 
c)  the  most  expansive  peopling  thoroughfare  in  the  world,  ^Z)  the 
most  phillohippuc  theobibbous  paupulation  in  the  world:  and 
harmonise  your  abecedeed  responses? 

Answer:  d)  Delfas.  And  when  ye'll  hear  the  gould  hommers 
of  my  heart,  my  floxy  loss,  bingbanging  again  the  ribs  of  yer 
resistance  and  the  tenderbolts  of  my  rivets  working  to  your 
destraction  ye' 11  be  sheverin  wi'  all  yer  dinful  sobs  when  well  go 
riding  acope-acurly,  you  with  yer  orange  garland  and  me  with 
my  conny  cordial,  down  the  greaseways  of  rollicking  into  the 
waters  of  wetted  life,  h)  Dorhqk.  And  sure  where  can  you  have 
such  good  old  chimes  anywhere,  and  leave  you,  as  on  the  Mash 
and  how'tis  I  would  be  engaging  you  with  my  plovery  soft  ac- 
cents and  descanting  upover  the  scene  beunder  me  of  your  loose 
vines  in  their  hairafall  with  them  two  loving  loofs  braceleting  the 
slims  of  your  ankles  and  your  mouth's  flower  rose  and  sinking 
ofter  the  soapstone  of  silvry  speech,  c)  Nublid.  Isha,  why 
wouldn't  we  be  happy,  avoumeen,  on  the  mills'money  he'll 
soon  be  leaving  you  as  soon  as  I've  my  own  owned  brooklined 
Georgian  mansion's  lawn  to  recruit  upon  by  Doctor  Cheek's 
special  orders  and  my  copper's  panful  of  soybeans  and  Irish  in 
my  east  hand  and  a  James's  Gate  in  my  west,  after  all  the  errears 
and  erroriboose  of  combarative  embottled  history,  and  your 
goodself  churning  over  the  newleaved  butter  {more  power  to 
you),  the  choicest  and  the  cheapest  from  Atlanta  to  Oconee, 
while  ril  be  drowsing  in  the  gaarden.  d)  Dalway.  I  hooked  my 

140 


thoroughgoing  trotty  the  first  down  Spanish  Place,  Mayo  I  make, 
Tuam  I  take,  Sligo's  sleek  but  Galway's  grace.  Holy  eel  and 
Sainted  Salmon,  chucking  chub  and  ducking  dace,  Rodiron's  not 
your  aequal!  says  she,  leppin  half  the  lane,  abed)  A  bell  a  bell  on 
Shalldoll  Steepbell,  ond  be'll  go  massplon  pristmoss  speople, 
Shand  praise  gon  ness  our  fayst  moan  neople^  our  prame  Shan- 
deepen^  pay  name  muy  feepence^  moy  nay  non  Aequallllllll! 

5.  Whad  slags  of  a  loughladd  would  retten  smuttyflesks,  empt- 
out  old  mans,  melk  vitious  geit,  scareoff  jackinjills  fra  tiddle 
anding,  smoothpick  waste  papish  pastures,  insides  man  outsiders 
angell,  sprink  dirted  water  around  village,  newses,  tobaggon  and 
sweeds,  plain  general  kept,  louden  on  the  kirkpeal,  foottreats 
given  to  malafides,  outshriek  hyelp  hyelp  nor  his  hair  efter 
buggelawrs,  might  underhold  three  barnets,  putzpolish  crotty 
bottes,  nightcoover  all  fireglims,  serve's  time  till  baass,  grind- 
stone his  kniveses,  fullest  boarded,  lewd  man  of  the  method  of 
godliness,  perchance  he  nieows  and  thans  sits  in  the  spoorwaggen, 
X.W.C.A.  on  Z.W.C.U.,  Doorsteps,  Limited,  or  Baywindaws 
Bros  swobber  preferred.  Walther  Clausetter's  and  Sons  with  the 
H.  E.  Chimneys'  Company  to  not  skreve,  will,  on  advices,  be 
bacon  or  stable  hand,  must  begripe  fullstandingly  irers'  langurge, 
jublander  or  northquain  bigger  prefurred,  all  duties,  kine  rights, 
family  fewd,  outings  fived,  may  get  earnst,  no  get  combitsch, 
profusional  drinklords  to  please  obstain,  he  is  fatherlow  soun- 
digged  inmoodmined  pershoon  but  aleconnerman,  nay,  that  must 
he  isn't? 

Answer:  Pore  ole  Joe! 

6.  What  means  the  saloon  slogan  Summon  In  The  House- 
sweep  Dinah.'^ 

Answer:  Tok.  Calory  bit  of  the  sales  of  Cloth  nowand  I  have 
to  beeswax  the  bringing  in  all  the  claub  of  the  porks  to  us  how  I 
thawght  I  knew  his  stain  on  the  flower  if  me  ask  and  can  could 
speak  and  he  called  by  me  midden  name  Tik.  I  am  your  honey 
honeysugger  phwhtphwht  tha  Bay  and  who  bruk  the  dandleass 
and  who  seen  the  blackcullen  jam  for  Tomorrha's  big  pickneck 
I  hope  it'll  pour  prais  the  Climate  of  all  Ireland  I  heard  the 

141 


grackles  and  I  skimming  the  crock  on  all  your  sangwidges  fip- 
pence  per  leg  per  drake.  Tuk.  And  who  eight  the  last  of  the  goose- 
bellies  that  was  mowlding  from  measlest  years  and  who  lefF  that 
there  and  who  put  that  here  and  who  let  the  kilkenny  stale  the 
chump.  Tek.  And  whowasit  youwasit  propped  the  pot  in  the 
yard  and  whatinthe  nameofsen  lukeareyou  rubbinthe  sideofthe 
flureofthe  lobbywith.  Shite!  will  you  have  a  plateful.'^  Tak. 

7.  Who  are  those  component  partners  of  our  societate,  the 
doorboy,  the  cleaner,  the  sojer,  the  crook,  the  squeezer,  the  loun- 
ger, the  cufman,  the  tourabout,  the  mussroomsnifFer,  the  bleaka- 
blue  tramp,  the  funpowtherplother,  the  christymansboxer,  from 
their  pres  sales  and  Donnybrook  prater  and  Roebuck's  campos 
and  the  Ager  Arountown  and  Crumglen's  grassy  but  Kimmage's 
champ  and  Ashtown  fields  and  Cabra  fields  and  Finglas  fields 
and  Santry  fields  and  the  feels  of  Raheny  and  their  fails  and  Bal- 
doygle  to  them  who  are  latecomers  all  the  year's  round  by  anti- 
cipation, are  the  porters  of  the  passions  in  virtue  of  retroratioci- 
nation,  and,  contributting  their  conflingent  controversies  of 
differentiation,  unify  their  voxes  in  a  vote  of  vaticination,  who 
crunch  the  crusts  of  comfort  due  to  depredation,  drain  the  mead 
for  misery  to  incur  intoxication,  condone  every  evil  by  practical 
justification  and  condam  any  good  to  its  own  gratification,  who 
are  ruled,  roped,  duped  and  driven  by  those  numen  daimons, 
the  feekeepers  at  their  laws,  nightly  consternation,  fortnightly 
fornication,  monthly  miserecordation  and  omniannual  recreation, 
doyles  when  they  deliberate  but  sullivans  when  they  are 
swordsed.  Matey,  Teddy,  Simon,  Jorn,  Pedher,  Andy,  Barty, 
Philly,  Jamesy  Mor  and  Tom,  Matt  and  Jakes  Mac  Carty.'^ 

Answer:  The  Morphios! 

8.  And  how  war  yore  maggies.^ 

Answer:  They  war  loving,  they  love  laughing,  they  laugh 
weeping,  they  weep  smelling,  they  smell  smiling,  they  smile  hat- 
ing, they  hate  thinking,  they  think  feeling,  they  feel  tempting, 
they  tempt  daring,  they  dare  waiting,  they  wait  taking,  they  take 
thanking,  they  thank  seeking,  as  born  for  lorn  in  lore  of  love  to 
live  and  wive  by  wile  and  rile  by  rule  of  ruse  'reathed  rose  and 

142 


I 


i 


I 


hose  hol'd  home,  yeth  cometh  elope  year,  coach  and  four.  Sweet 
Peck-at-my-Heart  picks  one  man  more. 

9.  Now,  to  be  on  anew  and  basking  again  in  the  panaroma  of 
alLflores  of  speech,  if  a  human  being  duly  fatigued  by  his  dayety 
in  the  sooty,  having  plenxty  off  time  on  his  gouty  hands  and  va- 
cants  of  space  at  his  sleepish  feet  and  as  hapless  behind  the  dreams 
of  accuracy  as  any  camelot  prince  of  dinmurk,  were  at  this  auc- 
tual  futule  preteriting  unstant,  in  the  states  of  suspensive  exani- 
mation,  accorded,  throughout  the  eye  of  a  noodle,  with  an  ear- 
sighted  view  of  old  hopeinhaven  with  all  the  ingredient  and 
egregiunt  whights  and  ways  to  which  in  the  curse  of  his  persis- 
tence the  course  of  his  tory  will  had  been  having  recourses,  the 
reverberration  of  knotcracking  awes,  the  reconjungation  of 
nodebinding  ayes,  the  redissolusingness  of  mindmouldered  ease 
and  the  thereby  hang  of  the  Hoel  of  it,  could  such  a  none,  whiles 
even  led  comesilencers  to  comeliewithhers  and  till  intempes- 
tuous  Nox  should  catch  the  gallicry  and  spot  lucan's  dawn,  by- 
hold  at  ones  what  is  main  and  why  tis  twain,  how  one  once 
meet  melts  in  tother  wants  poignings,  the  sap  rising,  the  foles 
falling,  the  nimb  now  nihilant  round  the  girlyhead  so  becoming, 
the  wrestless  in  the  womb,  all  the  rivals  to  allsea,  shakeagain,  O 
disaster!  shakealose.  Ah  how  starring!  but  Heng's  got  a  bit 
of  Horsa's  nose  and  Jeff's  got  the  signs  of  Ham  round  his 
mouth  and  the  beau  that  spun  beautiful  pales  as  it  palls,  what 
roserude  and  oragious  grows  gelb  and  greem,  blue  out  the  ind  of 
it!  Violet's  dyed!  then  what  would  that  fargazer  seem  to  seemself 
to  seem  seeming  of,  dimm  it  all? 

Answer:  A  coUideorscape ! 

10.  What  bitter's  love  but  yurning,  what'  sour  lovemutch  but 
a  bref  burning  till  shee  that  drawes  dothe  smoake  retourne? 

Answer:  I  know,  pepette,  of  course,  dear,  but  listen,  precious! 
Thanks,  pette,  those  are  lovely,  pitounette,  delicious!  But  mind 
the  wind,  sweet!  What  exquisite  hands  you  have,  you  angiol,  if 
you  didn't  gnaw  your  nails,  isn't  it  a  wonder  you're  not  achamed 
of  me^  you  pig,  you  perfect  Httle  pigaleen!  I'll  nudge  you  in  a 
minute!  I  bet  you  use  her  best  Perisian  smear  off  her  vanity  table 

143 


to  make  them  look  so  rosetop  glowstop  nostop.  I  know  her. 
Slight  me,  would  she?  For  every  got  I  care !  Three  creamings  a 
day,  the  first  during  her  shower  and  wipe  off  with  tissue.  Then 
after  cleanup  and  of  course  before  retiring.  Berne  shawl,  when  I 
think  of  that  espos  of  a  Clancarbry,  the  foodbrawler,  of  the  socia- 
tionist  party  with  hiss  blackleaded  chest,  hello,  Prendregast! 
that  you,  Innkipper,  and  all  his  fourteen  other  fullback  maulers 
or  hurling  stars  or  whatever  the  dagos  they  are,  baiting  at  my 
Lord  Ornery's,  just  becups  they  won  the  egg  and  spoon  there 
so  ovally  provencial  at  Balldole.  My  Eilish  assent  he  seed  makes 
his  admiracion.  He  is  seeking  an  opening  and  means  to  be  first 
with  me  as  his  belle  alliance.  Andoo  musnoo  play  zeloso!  Soso 
do  todas.  Such  is  Spanish.  Stoop  alittle  closer,  fealse!  Delight- 
some simply!  Like  Jolio  and  Romeune.  I  haven't  fell  so  turkish 
for  ages  and  ages!  Mine's  me  of  squisious,  the  chocolate  with 
a  soul.  Extraordinary!  Why,  what  are  they  all,  the  mucky  lot 
of  them  only.^  Sht!  I  wouldn't  pay  three  hairpins  for  them.  Peppt! 
That's  rights,  hold  it  steady!  Leg  me  pull.  Pu!  Come  big  to  Iran. 
Poo!  What  are  you  nudging  for.^  No,  I  just  thought  you  were. 
Listen,  loviest!  Of  course  it  was  too  kind  of  you,  miser,  to  re- 
member my  sighs  in  shockings,  my  often  expressed  wish  when 
you  were  wandering  about  my  trousseaurs  and  before  I  forget  it 
don't  forget,  in  your  extensions  to  my  personality,  when  knotting 
my  remembrancetie,  shoeweek  will  be  trotting  back  with  red 
heels  at  the  end  of  the  moon  but  look  what  the  fool  bought 
cabbage  head  and,  as  I  shall  answer  to  gracious  heaven,  I'll 
always  in  always  remind  of  snappy  new  girters,  me  being  always 
the  one  for  charms  with  my  very  best  in  proud  and  gloving 
even  if  he  was  to  be  vermillion  miles  my  youth  to  live  on, 
the  rubberend  Mr  Polkingtone,  the  quonian  fleshmonger  who 
Mother  Browne  solicited  me  for  unlawful  converse  with,  with 
her  mug  of  October  (a  pots  on  it!),  creaking  around  on  his  old 
shanksaxle  like  a  crosty  old  cornquake.  Airman,  waterwag,  terrier, 
blazer!  I'm  fine,  thanks  ever!  Ha!  O  mind  you  poo  tickly.  Sail  I 
puhim  in  momou.  Mummum.  Funny  spot  to  have  a  fingey!  I'm 
terribly  sorry,  I  swear  to  you  I  am !  May  you  never  see  me  in  my 

144 


birthday  pelts  seenso  tutu  and  that  her  blanches  mainges  may  rot 
leprous  off  her  whatever  winking  maggis  Fll  bet  by  your  cut 
you  go  fleurting  after  with  all  the  glass  on  her  and  the  jumps 
in  her  stomewhere!  Haha!  I  suspected  she  was!  Sink  her!  May 
they  fire  her  for  a  barren  ewe!  So  she  says:  Tay  for  thee?  Well,  I 
saith:  Angst  so  mush:  and  desired  she  might  not  take  it  amiss  if  I 
esteemed  her  but  an  odd.  If  I  did  ate  toughturf  Fm  not  a  mishy- 
missy.  Of  course  I  know,  pettest,  you're  so  learningful  and 
considerate  in  yourself,  so  friend  of  vegetables,  you  long  cold  cat 
you!  Please  by  acquiester  to  meek  my  acquointance !  Codling, 
snakelet,  iciclist!  My  diaper  has  more  life  to  it!  Who  drowned 
you  in  drears,  man,  or  are  you  pillale  with  ink?  Did  a  weep  get 
past  the  gates  of  your  pride?  My  tread  on  the  clover,  sweetness? 
Yes,  the  buttercups  told  me,  hug  me,  damn  it  all,  and  I'll  kiss 
you  back  to  life,  my  peachest.  I  mean  to  make  you  suffer, 
meddlar,  and  I  don't  care  this  fig  for  contempt  of  courting. 
That  I  chid  you,  sweet  sir?  You  know  I'm  tender  by  my  eye. 
Can't  you  read  by  dazzling  ones  through  me  true?  Bite  my 
laughters,  drink  my  tears.  Pore  into  me,  volumes,  spell  me  stark 
and  spill  me  swooning.  I  just  don't  care  what  my  thwarters 
think.  Transname  me  loveliness,  now  and  here  me  for  all  times ! 
I'd  risk  a  policeman  passing  by,  Magrath  or  even  that  beggar  of 
a  boots  at  the  Post.  The  flame?  O,  pardone!  That  was  what? 
Ah,  did  you  speak,  stuffstuff?  More  poestries  from  Chickspeer's 
with  gleechoreal  music  or  a  jaculation  from  the  garden  of  the 
soul.  Of  I  be  leib  in  the  immoralities?  O,  you  mean  the  strangle 
for  love  and  the  sowiveall  of  the  prettiest?  Yep,  we  open  hap 
coseries  in  the  home.  And  once  upon  a  week  I  improve  on  myself 
I'm  so  keen  on  that  New  Free  Woman  with  novel  inside.  I'm 
always  as  tickled  as  can  be  over  Man  in  a  Surplus  by  the  Lady 
who  Pays  the  Rates.  But  Fm  as  pie  as  is  possible.  Let's  root 
out  Brimstoker  and  give  him  the  thrall  of  our  lives.  It's  Dracula's 
nightout.  For  creepsake  don't  make  a  flush!  Draw  the  shades, 
curfe  you,  and  Fll  beat  any  sonnamonk  to  love.  Holy  bug,  how 
my  highness  would  jump  to  make  you  flame  your  halve  a  ban- 
nan  in  two  when  I'd  run  my  burning  torchlight  through  (to  adore 

145 


me  there  and  then  cease  to  be?  Whatever  for,  blossoms?)  Your 
hairmejig  if  you  had  one.  If  I  am  laughing  with  you?  No, 
lovingest,  Fm  not  so  dying  to  take  my  rise  out  of  you,  adored. 
Not  in  the  very  least.  True  as  God  made  my  Mamaw  hiplength 
modesty  coatmawther!  It's  only  because  the  rison  is  Fm  only  any 
girl,  you  lovely  fellow  of  my  dreams,  and  because  old  somebooby 
is  not  a  roundabout,  my  trysting  of  the  tulipies,  like  that  puff 
pape  bucking  Daveran  assoiling  us  behinds.  What  a  nerve! 
He  thinks  that's  what  the  vesprey's  for.  How  vain's  that  hope  in 
cleric's  heart  Who  still  pursues  th'adult'  rous  art.  Cocksure  that 
rusty  gown  of  his  Will  make  fair  Sue  forget  his  phiz!  Tame 
Schwipps.  Blessed  Marguerite  bosses,  I  hope  they  threw  away 
the  mould  or  else  we'll  have  Ballshossers  and  Sourdamapplers 
with  their  medical  assassiations  all  over  the  place.  But  hold  hard 
till  I've  got  my  latchkey  vote  and  I'll  teach  him  when  to  wear 
what  woman  callours.  On  account  of  the  gloss  of  the  gleison 
Hasaboobrawbees  isabeaubel.  And  because,  you  pluckless  lanka- 
loot,  I  hate  the  very  thought  of  the  thought  of  you  and  because, 
dearling,  of  course,  adorest,  I  was  always  meant  for  an  engin- 
dear  from  the  French  college,  to  be  musband,  nomme  d'engien^ 
when  we  do  and  contract  with  encho  tencho  solver  when  you 
are  married  to  reading  and  writing  which  pleasebusiness  now 
won't  be  long  for  he's  so  loopy  on  me  and  I'm  so  leapy  like 
since  the  day  he  carried  me  from  the  boat,  my  saviored  of  eroes, 
to  the  beach  and  I  left  on  his  shoulder  one  fair  hair  to  guide  hand 
and  mind  to  its  softness.  Ever  s6  sorry!  I  beg  your  pardon,  I  was 
listening  to  every  treasuried  word  I  said  fell  from  my  dear  mot's 
tongue  otherwise  how  could  I  see  what  you  were  thinking  of 
our  granny?  Only  I  wondered  if  I  threw  out  my  shaving  water. 
Anyway,  here's  my  arm,  pulletneck.  Gracefully  yours.  Move  your 
mouth  towards  minth,  more,  preciousest,  more  on  more!  To 
please  me,  treasure.  Don't  be  a,  I'm  not  going  to!  Sh!  nothing! 
A  cricri  somewhere!  Buybuy!  Fm  fly!  Hear,  pippy,  under  the 
limes.  You  know  bigtree  are  all  against  gravstone.  They  hissliis- 
tenency.  Garnd  ond  mand !  So  chip  chirp  chirrup,  cigolo,  for  the 
lug  of  Migo !  The  little  passdoor,  I  go  you  before,  so,  and  you're 

146 


1 


at  my  apron  stage.  Shy  is  him,  dovey?  Musforget  there's  an 
audience.  I  have  been  lost,  angel.  Cuddle,  ye  divil  ye!  It's  our 
toot-a-toot.  Hearhere!  Sensation!  Let  them,  their  whole  four 
courtships!  Let  them,  Bigbawl  and  his  boosers'  eleven  makes 
twelve  territorials.  The  Old  Sot's  Hole  that  wants  wide  streets  to 
commission  their  noisense  in,  at  the  Mitchells  r.  Nicholls.  Aves 
Selvae  Acquae  Vallesl  And  my  waiting  twenty  classbirds,  sitting 
on  their  stiles !  Let  me  finger  their  eurhythmytic.  And  you'll  see 
if  I'm  selfthought.  They're  all  of  them  out  to  please.  Wait!  In 
the  name  of.  And  all  the  holly.  And  some  the  mistle  and  it  Saint 
Yves.  Hoost!  Ahem!  There's  Ada,  Bett,  Celia,  Delia,  Ena, 
Fretta,  Gilda,  Hilda,  Ita,  Jess,  Katty,  Lou,  (they  make  me  cough 
as  sure  as  I  read  them)  Mina,  Nippa,  Opsy,  Poll,  Queeniee,  Ruth, 
Saucy,  Trix,  Una,  Vela,  Wanda,  Xenia,  Yva,  Zulma,  Phoebe, 
Thelma.  And  Mee!  The  reformatory  boys  is  goaling  in  for  the 
church  so  we've  all  comefeast  like  the  groupsuppers  and  caught 
lipsolution  from  Anty  Pravidance  under  penancies  for  myrtle 
sins.  When  their  bride  was  married  all  my  belles  began  ti  ting. 
A  ring  a  ring  a  rosaring!  Then  everyone  will  hear  of  it.  Whoses 
wishes  is  the  farther  to  my  thoughts.  But  I'll  plant  them  a  poser 
for  their  nomanclatter.  When  they're  out  with  the  daynurse 
doing  Chaperon  Mall.  Bright  pigeons  all  over  the  whirrld  will 
fly  with  my  mistletoe  message  round  their  loveribboned  necks 
and  a  crumb  of  my  cake  for  each  chasta  dieva.  We  keeps  all  and 
sundry  papers.  In  th'  amourlight,  O  my  darling!  No,  I  swear  to 
you  by  Fibsburrow  churchdome  and  Sainte  Andree's  Under- 
shift,  by  all  I  hold  secret  from  my  world  and  in  my  underworld 
of  nighties  and  naughties  and  all  the  other  wonderwearlds ! 
Close  your,  notmust  look!  Now  open,  pet,  your  lips,  pepette, 
like  I  used  my  sweet  parted  lipsabuss  with  Dan  Holohan  of 
facetious  memory  taught  me  after  the  flannel  dance,  with  the 
proof  of  love,  up  Smock  Alley  the  first  night  he  smelled  pouder 
and  I  coloured  beneath  my  fan,  pipetta  mia^  when  you  learned 
me  the  linguo  to  melt.  Whowham  would  have  ears  like  ours, 
the  blackhaired !  Do  you  like  that,  sileniiosoF  Are  you  enjoying, 
this  same  little  me,  my  life,  my  love.^  Why  do  you  like  my 

147 


whisping?  Is  it  not  divinely  deluscious?  But  in't  it  bafforyou? 
Misty  misU  Tell  me  till  my  thrillme  comes!  I  will  not  break  the 
seal.  I  am  enjoying  it  still,  I  swear  I  am!  Why  do  you  prefer  its 
in  these  dark  nets,  if  why  may  ask,  my  sweety  kins?  Sh  sh!  Long- 
ears  is  flying.  No,  sweetissest,  why  would  that  ennoy  me.^  But 
don't!  You  want  to  be  slap  well  slapped  for  that.  Your  delighted 
lips,  love,  be  careful!  Mind  my  duvetyne  dress  above  all!  It's 
golded  silvy,  the  newest  sextones  with  princess  effect.  For  Rut- 
land blue's  got  out  of  passion.  So,  so,  my  precious!  O,  I  can  see 
the  cost,  chare!  Don't  tell  me!  Why,  the  boy  in  sheeps'  lane 
knows  that.  If  I  sell  whose,  dears.'^  Was  I  sold  here'  tears.'^  You 
mean  those  conversation  lozenges.'^  How  awful!  The  bold  shame 
of  me!  I  wouldn't,  chickens,  not  for  all  the  juliettes  in  the  twinkly 
way!  I  could  snap  them  when  I  see  them  winking  at  me  in  bed. 
I  didn't  did  so,  my  intended,  or  was  going  to  or  thinking  of. 
Shshsh!  Don't  start  like  that,  you  wretch!  I  thought  ye  knew  all 
and  more,  ye  aucthor,  to  explique  to  ones  the  significat  of  their 
exsy stems  with  your  nieu  nivulon  lead.  It's  only  another  queer 
fish  or  other  in  Brinbrou's  damned  old  trouchorous  river  again, 
Gothewishegoths  bless  us  and  spare  her!  And  gibos  rest  from  the 
bosso !  Excuse  me  for  swearing,  love,  I  swear  to  the  sorrasims  on 
their  trons  of  Uian  I  didn't  mean  to  by  this  alpin  armlet!  Did  you 
really  never  in  all  our  cantalang  lives  speak  clothse  to  a  girl's 
before.^  No!  Not  even  to  the  charmermaid.'^  How  marfellows! 
Of  course  I  believe  you,  my  own  dear  doting  liest,  when  you 
tell  me.  As  I'd  live  to,  O,  I'd  love  to!  Liss,  liss!  I  muss  whiss! 
Never  that  ever  or  I  can  remember  dearstreaming  faces,  you  may 
go  through  me!  Never  in  all  my  whole  white  life  of  my  match- 
less and  pair.  Or  ever  for  bitter  be  the  frucht  of  this  hour!  With 
my  whiteness  I  thee  woo  and  bind  my  silk  breasths  I  thee  bound ! 
Always,  Amory,  amor  andmore!  Till  always,  thou  lovest! 
Shshshsh!  So  long  as  the  lucksmith.  Laughs! 

II.  If  you  met  on  the  binge  a  poor  acheseyeld  from  Ailing, 
when  the  tune  of  his  tremble  shook  shimmy  on  shin,  while  his 
countrary  raged  in  the  weak  of  his  wailing,  like  a  rugilant  pugi- 
lant  Lyon  O'Lynn;  if  he  maundered  in  misliness,  plaining  his 

148 


; 


5 


plight  or,  played  fox  and  lice,  pricking  and  dropping  hips  teeth, 
or  wringing  his  handcuffs  for  peace,  the  blind  blighter,  praying 
Dieuf  and  Domb  Nostrums  foh  thomethinks  to  eath;  if  he 
weapt  while  he  leapt  and  gufFalled  quith  a  quhimper,  made  cold 
blood  a  blue  mundy  and  no  bones  without  flech,  taking  kiss, 
kake  or  kick  with  a  suck,  sigh  or  simper,  a  diffle  to  larn  and  a 
dibble  to  lech;  if  the  fain  shinner  pegged  you  to  shave  his  im- 
martial,  wee  skillmustered  shoul  with  his  ooh,  hoodoodoo !  brok- 
ing wind  that  to  wiles,  woemaid  sin  he  was  partial,  we  don't 
think,  Jones,  we'd  care  to  this  evening,  would  you? 

Answer:  No,  blank  ye!  So  you  think  I  have  impulsivism?  Did 
they  tell  you  I  am  one  of  the  fortysixths?  And  I  suppose  you 
heard  I  had  a  wag  on  my  ears?  And  I  suppose  they  told  you  too 
that  my  roll  of  life  is  not  natural?  But  before  proceeding  to  con- 
clusively confute  this  begging  question  it  would  be  far  fitter  for 
you,  if  you  dare !  to  hasitate  to  consult  with  and  consequentially 
attempt  at  my  disposale  of  the  same  dime-cash  problem  elsewhere 
naturalistically  of  course,  from  the  blinkpoint  of  so  eminent  a 
spatialist.  From  it  you  will  here  notice,  Schott,  upon  my  for  the 
first  remarking  you  that  the  sophology  of  Bitchson  while  driven 
as  under  by  a  purely  dime-dime  urge  is  not  without  his  cashcash 
characktericksticks,  borrowed  for  its  nonce  ends  from  the  fiery 
goodmother  Miss  Fortune  (who  the  lost  time  we  had  the  pleasure 
we  have  had  our  little  recherche  brush  with,  what,  Schott?)  and 
as  I  furtlier  could  have  told  you  as  brisk  as  your  D.B.C.  beha- 
viouristically  paillete  with  a  coat  of  homoid  icing  which  is  in 
reality  only  a  done  by  chance  ridiculisation  of  the  whoo-whoo 
and  where's  hairs  theories  of  Winestain.  To  put  it  all  the  more 
plumbsily.  The  speechform  is  a  mere  sorrogate.  Whilst  the  qua- 
lity and  tality  (I  shall  explex  what  you  ought  to  mean  by  this  with 
its  proper  when  and  where  and  why  and  how  in  the  subsequent 
sentence)  are  alternativomentally  harrogate  and  arrogate,  as  the 
gates  may  be. 

Talis  is  a  word  often  abused  by  many  passims  (I  am  working 
out  a  quantum  theory  about  it  for  it  is  really  most  tantumising 
state  of  affairs).  A  pessim  may  frequent  you  to  say:  Have  you  been 

149 


seeing  much  of  Talis  and  Talis  those  times?  optimately  meaning: 
Will  you  put  up  at  hree  of  irish?  Or  a  ladyeater  may  perhaps  have 
casualised  as  you  temptoed  her  a  la  sourdine-.  Of  your  plates?  Is 
Talis  de  Talis,  the  swordswallower,  who  is  on  at  the  Craterium 
the  same  Talis  von  Talis,  the  penscrusher,  no  funk  you  1  who  runs 
his  duly  mile?  Or  this  is  a  perhaps  cleaner  example.  At  a  recent 
postvortex  piece  infustigation  of  a  determinised  case  of  chronic 
spinosis  an  extension  lecturer  on  The  Ague  who  out  of  matter  of 
form  was  trying  his  seesers,  Dr's  Het  Ubeleeft,  borrowed  the 
question:  Why's  which  Suchman's  talis  qualis?  to  whom,  as  a 
fatter  of  macht,  Dr  Gedankje  of  Stoutgirth,  who  was  wiping  his 
whistle,  toarsely  retoarted:  While  thou  beast'  one  zoom  of  a 
whorl!  (Talis  and  Talis  originally  mean  the  same  thing,  hit  it's: 
Qualis.) 

Professor  Loewy-Brueller  (though  as  I  shall  promptly  prove 
his  whole  account  of  the  Sennacherib  as  distinct  from  the  Shal- 
manesir  sanitational  reforms  and  of  the  Mr  Skekels  and  Dr 
Hydes  problem  in  the  same  connection  differs  tow  coelo  from  the 
fruit  of  my  own  investigations  —  though  the  reason  I  went  to 
Jericho  must  remain  for  certain  reasons  a  political  secret  — 
especially  as  I  shall  shortly  be  wanted  in  Cavantry,  I  congratulate 
myself,  for  the  same  and  other  reasons  —  as  being  again  hope- 
lessly vitiated  by  what  I  have  now  resolved  to  call  the  dime  and 
cash  diamond  fallacy)  in  his  talked  off  confession  which  recently 
met  with  such  a  leonine  uproar  on  its  escape  after  its  confinement 
Why  am  I  not  horn  like  a  Gentileman  and  why  am  I  now  so  speak- 
able  about  my  own  eatables  (Feigenbaumblatt  and  Father,  Juda- 
pest,  5688,  A.M.)  whole-heartedly  takes  off  his  gabbercoat  and 
wig,  honest  draughty  fellow,  in  his  public  interest,  to  make  us 
see  how  though,  as  he  says:  *by  Allswill'  the  inception  and  the 
descent  and  the  endswell  of  Man  is  temporarily  wrapped  in  ob- 
scenity, looking  through  at  these  accidents  with  the  faroscope  of 
television,  (this  nightlife  instrument  needs  still  some  subtrac- 
tional  betterment  in  the  readjustment  of  the  more  refrangible 
angles  to  the  squeals  of  his  hypothesis  on  the  outer  tin  sides),  I 
can  easily  believe  heartily  in  my  own  most  spacious  immensity 

150 


as  my  ownhouse  and  microbemost  cosm  when  I  am  reassured  by 
ratio  that  the  cube  of  my  volumes  is  to  the  surfaces  of  their  sub- 
jects as  the  sphericity  of  these  globes  (I  am  very  pressing  for  a 
parliamentary  motion  this  term  which,  under  my  guidance,  would 
establish  the  deleteriousness  of  decorousness  in  the  morbidis- 
ation  of  the  modern  mandaboutwoman  type)  is  to  the  fera- 
city  of  Fairynelly's  vacuum.  I  need  not  anthrapologise  for  any 
obintentional  (I  must  here  correct  all  that  school  of  neoitalian  or 
paleoparisien  schola  of  tinkers  and  spanglers  who  say  Fm  wrong 
parcequeue  out  of  revolscian  from  romanitis  I  want  to  be)  down- 
trodding  on  my  foes.  Professor  Levi-Brullo,  F.D.  of  Sexe- 
Weiman-Eitelnaky  finds,  from  experiments  made  by  hinn  with 
his  Nuremberg  eggs  in  the  one  hands  and  the  watches  cunldron 
apan  the  oven,  though  it  is  astensably  a  case  of  Ket*s  rebollions 
cooling  the  Popes  back,  because  the  number  of  squeer  faiths 
in  weekly  circulation  will  not  be  appreciably  augmented  by  the 
notherslogging  of  my  cupolar  clods.  What  the  romantic  in  rags 
pines  after  like  all  tomtompions  haunting  crevices  for  a  deadbeat 
escupement  and  what  het  importunes  our  Mitleid  for  in  accornish 
with  the  Mortadarthella  taradition  is  the  poorest  commonon- 
guardiant  waste  of  time.  His  everpresent  toes  are  always  in 
retaliessian  out  throuth  his  overpast  boots.  Hear  him  squak! 
Teek  heet  to  that  looswallawer  how  he  bolo  the  bat!  Tyro  a 
toray!  When  Mullocky  won  the  couple  of  colds,  when  we  were 
stripping  in  number  three,  I  would  like  the  neat  drop  that  would 
malt  in  my  mouth  but  I  fail  to  see  when  (I  am  purposely  refrain- 
ing from  expounding  the  obvious  fallacy  as  to  the  specific 
gravitates  of  the  two  deglutables  implied  nor  to  the  lapses 
lequou  asousiated  with  the  royal  gorge  through  students  of 
mixed  hydrostatics  and  pneumodipsics  will  after  some  difficulties 
grapple  away  with  my  meinungs).  Myrrdin  aloer!  as  old  Mar- 
sellas  Cambriannus  puts  his.  But,  on  Professor  Llewellys  ap 
Bryllars,  F.D.,  Ph.  Dr's  showings,  the  plea,  if  he  pleads, 
is  all  posh  and  robbage  on  a  melodeontic  scale  since  his  man's 
when  is  no  otherman's  quandour  (Mine,  dank  you.^)  while,  for 
aught  I  care  for  the  contrary,  the  all  is  where  in  love  as  war  and 

151 


the  plane  where  me  arts  soar  you*d  aisy  rouse  a  thunder  from  and 
where  I  cling  true'tis  there  I  climb  tree  and  where  Innocent  looks 
best  (pick!)  there's  holly  in  his  ives. 

As  my  explanations  here  are  probably  above  your  understand- 
ings, lattlebrattons,  though  as  augmentatively  uncomparisoned 
as  Cadwan,  Cadwallon  and  Cadwalloner,  I  shall  revert  to  a  more 
expletive  method  which  I  frequently  use  when  I  have  to  sermo 
with  muddlecrass  pupils.  Imagine  for  my  purpose  that  you  are  a 
squad  of  urchins,  snifflynosed,  goslingnecked,  clothyheaded, 
tangled  in  your  lacings,  tingled  in  your  pants,  etsitaraw  etcicero. 
And  you,  Bruno  Nowlan,  take  your  tongue  out  of  your  inkpot  1 
As  none  of  you  knows  javanese  I  will  give  all  my  easyfree  trans- 
lation of  the  old  fabulist's  parable.  Allaboy  Minor,  take  your 
head  out  of  your  satchel!  Audi^  Joe  Peters!  Exaudi  facts! 

The  Mookse  and  The  Gripes. 

Gentes  and  laitymen,  fullstoppers  and  semicolonials,  hybreds 
and  lubberds! 

Eins  within  a  space  and  a  weary  wide  space  it  wast  ere  wohned 
a  Mookse.  The  onesomeness  wast  alltolonely,  archunsitslike, 
broady  oval,  and  a  Mookse  he  would  a  walking  go  (My  hood! 
cries  Antony  Romeo),  so  one  grandsumer  evening,  after  a  great 
morning  and  his  good  supper  of  gammon  and  spittish,  having 
flabelled  his  eyes,  pilleoled  his  nostrils,  vacticanated  his  ears  and 
palliumed  his  throats,  he  put  on  his  impermeable,  seized  his  im- 
pugnable, harped  on  his  crown  and  stepped  out  of  his  immobile 
De  Rure  Albo  (socolled  becauld  it  was  chalkfull  of  masterplasters 
and  had  borgeously  letout  gardens  strown  with  cascadas,  pinta- 
costecas,  horthoducts  and  currycombs)  and  set  off  from  Luds- 
town  a  spasso  to  see  how  badness  was  badness  in  the  weirdest  of 
all  pensible  ways. 

As  he  set  off  with  his  father's  sword,  his  lancia  spe^ata^  he  was 
girded  on,  and  with  that  between  his  legs  and  his  tarkeels,  our 
once  in  only  Bragspear,  he  clanked,  to  my  clinking,  from  veetoes 
to  threetop,  every  inch  of  an  immortal. 

He  had  not  walked  over  a  pentiadpair  of  parsecs  from  his 
azylium  when  at  the  turning  of  the  Shinshone  Lanteran  near 

152 


I 


1 


Saint  Bowery's-without-his- Walls  he  came  (secunding  to  the  one 
one  oneth  of  the  propecies,  Amnis  Limina  Permanent)  upon  the 
most  unconsciously  boggylooking  stream  he  ever  locked  his 
eyes  with.  Out  of  the  colliens  it  took  a  rise  by  daubing  itself  Ni- 
non. It  looked  little  and  it  smelt  of  brown  and  it  thought  in  nar- 
rows and  it  talked  showshallow.  And  as  it  rinn  it  dribbled  like  any 
lively  purliteasy:  My^  my^  my!  Me  and  me!  Little  down  dream 
dont  I  love  thee! 

And,  I  declare,  what  was  there  on  the  yonder  bank  of  the 
stream  that  would  be  a  river,  parched  on  a  limb  of  the  olum,  bolt 
downright,  but  the  Gripes?  And  no  doubt  he  was  fit  to  be  dried 
for  why  had  he  not  been  having  the  juice  of  his  times.'^ 

His  pips  had  been  neatly  all  drowned  on  him;  his  polps  were 
charging  odours  every  older  minute;  he  was  quickly  for  getting 
the  dresser's  desdaign  on  the  flyleaf  of  his  frons;  and  he  was 
quietly  for  giving  the  bailiff's  distrain  on  to  the  bulkside  of  his 
cul  de  Pompe,  In  all  his  specious  heavings,  as  be  lived  by  Opti- 
mus  Maximus,  the  Mookse  had  never  seen  his  Dubville  brooder- 
on-low  so  nigh  to  a  pickle. 

Adrian  (that  was  the  Mookse  now's  assumptinome)  stuccstill 
phiz-a-phiz  to  the  Gripes  in  an  accessit  of  aurignacian.  But  All- 
mookse  must  to  Moodend  much  as  Allrouts,  austereways  or 
wastersways,  in  roaming  run  through  Room.  Hie  sor  a  stone, 
singularly  illud,  and  on  hoc  stone  Seter  satt  hue  sate  which  it 
filled  quite  poposterously  and  by  acclammitation  to  its  fullest 
justotoryum  and  whereopum  with  his  unfallable  encyclicling 
upom  his  alloilable,  diupetriark  of  the  wouest,  and  the  athemyst- 
sprinkled  pederect  he  always  walked  with,  Deusdedit^  cheek  by 
jowel  with  his  frisherman's  blague,  Bellua  Triumphanes^  his 
everyway  addedto  wallat's  collectium,  for  yea  longer  he  lieved 
yea  broader  he  betaught  of  it,  the  fetter,  the  summe  and  the  haul 
it  cost,  he  looked  the  first  and  last  micahlike  laicness  of  Quartus 
the  Fifth  and  Quintus  the  Sixth  and  Sixtus  the  Seventh  giving 
allnight  sitting  to  Lio  the  Faultyfindth. 

—  Good  appetite  us,  sir  Mookse!  How  do  you  do  it.^  cheeped 
the  Gripes  in  a  wherry  whiggy  maudelenian  woice  and  the  jack- 

153 


asses  all  within  bawl  laughed  and  brayed  for  his  intentions  for 
they  knew  their  sly  toad  lowry  now.  I  am  rarumominum  blessed 
to  see  you,  my  dear  mouster.  Will  you  not  perhopes  tell  me 
everything  if  you  are  pleased,  sanity?  All  about  aulne  and  lithial 
and  allsall  allinall  about  awn  and  liseias?  Ney? 

Think  of  it!  O  miserendissimest  retempter!  A  Gripes! 

—  Rats!  bullowed  the  Mookse  most  telesphorously,  the  con- 
cionator,  and  the  sissymusses  and  the  zozzymusses  in  their  ro- 
benhauses  quailed  to  hear  his  tardeynois  at  all  for  you  cannot 
wake  a  silken  nouse  out  of  a  hoarse  oar.  Blast  yourself  and  your 
anathomy  infairioriboos !  No,  hang  you  for  an  animal  rurale!  I 
am  superbly  in  my  supremest  poncif!  Abase  you,  baldyqueens! 
Gather  behind  me,  satraps!  Rots! 

—  I  am  till  infinity  obliged  with  you,  bowed  the  Gripes,  his 
whine  having  gone  to  his  palpruy  head.  I  am  still  always  having 
a  wish  on  all  my  extremities.  By  the  watch,  what  is  the  time,  pace.^ 

Figure  it!  The  pining  peever!  To  a  Mookse! 

—  Ask  my  index,  mund  my  achilles,  swell  my  obolum,  wosh- 
up  my  nase  serene,  answered  the  Mookse,  rapidly  by  turning 
clement,  urban,  eugenious  and  celestian  in  the  formose  of  good 
grogory  humours.  Quote  awhore.'^  That  is  quite  about  what  I 
came  on  my  missions  with  my  intentions  laudibiliter  to  settle  with 
you^  barbarousse.  Let  thor  be  orlog.  Let  Pauline  be  Irene.  Let 
you  be  Beeton.  And  let  me  be  Los  Angeles.  Now  measure  your 
length.  Now  estimate  my  capacity.  Well,  sour.'^  Is  this  space  of 
our  couple  of  hours  too  dimensional  for  you,  temporiser.'^  Will 
you  give  you  up.'^  Como?  Fuert  it? 

Sancta  Padentiaf  You  should  have  heard  the  voice  that  an- 
swered him !  Culla  vosellina, 

—  I  was  just  thinkling  upon  that,  swees  Mooksey,  but,  for  all 
the  rime  on  my  raisins,  if  I  connow  make  my  submission,  I  can- 
nos  give  you  up,  the  Gripes  whimpered  from  nethermost  of  his 
wanhope.  Ishallassoboundbewilsothoutoosezit.  My  tumble,  lou- 
dy  bullocker,  is  my  own.  My  velicity  is  too  fit  in  one  stockend. 
And  my  spetial  inexshellsis  the  belowing  things  ab  ove.  But  I 
will  never  be  abler  to  tell  Your  Honoriousness  (here  he  near  lost 

154 


his  limb)  though  my  corked  father  was  bott  a  pseudowaiter, 
whose  o'cloak  you  ware. 

Incredible!  Well,  hear  the  inevitable. 

—  Your  temple,  sus  in  crihro!  Semperexcommunicambiambi- 
sumers.  Tugurios-in-Newrobe  or  Tukurias-in-Ashies.  Novar- 
ome,  my  creature,  blievend  bleives.  My  building  space  in  lyonine 
city  is  always  to  let  to  leonlike  Men,  the  Mookse  in  a  most  con- 
sistorous  allocution  pompifically  with  immediate  jurisdiction 
constantinently  concludded  (what  a  crammer  for  the  shape- 
wrucked  Gripes!).  And  I  regret  to  proclaim  that  it  is  out  of  my 
temporal  to  help  you  from  being  killed  by  inchies,  (what  a 
thrust!),  as  we  first  met  each  other  newwhere  so  airly.  (Poor 
little  sowsieved  subsquashed  Gripes!  I  begin  to  feel  contemption 
for  him!).  My  side,  thank  decretals,  is  as  safe  as  motherour's 
houses,  he  continued,  and  I  can  seen  from  my  holeydome  what 
it  is  to  be  wholly  sane.  Unionjok  and  be  joined  to  yok!  Parysis, 
tu  saisy  crucycrooks,  belongs  to  him  who  parises  himself.  And 
there  I  must  leave  you  subject  for  the  pressing.  I  can  prove  that 
against  you,  weight  a  momentum,  mein  goot  enemy!  or  Cos- 
poFs  not  our  star.  I  bet  you  this  dozen  odd.  This  foluminous 
dozen  odd.  Quas  primas — but  'tis  bitter  to  compote  my  know- 
ledge's fructos  of.  Tomes. 

Elevating,  to  give  peint  to  his  blick,  his  jewelled  pederect  to 
the  allmysty  cielung,  he  luckystruck  blueild  out  of  a  few  should- 
be  santillants,  a  cloister  of  starabouts  over  Maples,  a  lucciolys  in 
Teresa  street  and  a  stopsign  before  Sophy  Barratt's,  he  gaddered 
togodder  the  odds  docence  of  his  vellumes,  gresk,  letton  and 
russicruxian,  onto  the  lapse  of  his  prolegs,  into  umfullth  one- 
scuppered,  and  sat  about  his  widerproof.  He  proved  it  well  who- 
onearth  dry  and  drysick  times,  and  vremiamenty  tu  cesses^  to  the 
extinction  of  Niklaus  altogether  (Niklaus  Alopysius  having  been 
the  once  Gripes's  popwilled  nimbum)  by  Neuclidius  and  In- 
exagoras  and  Mumfsen  and  Thumpsem,  by  Orasmus  and  by 
Amenius,  by  Anacletus  the  Jew  and  by  Malachy  the  Augurer  and 
by  the  Cappon's  collection  and  after  that,  with  Cheekee's  gela- 
tine and  Alldaybrandy's  formolon,  he  reproved  it  ehrltogether 

155 


when  not  in  that  order  sundering  in  some  different  order,  aher 
three  thirty  and  a  hundred  times  by  the  binomial  dioram  and 
the  penic  walls  and  the  ind,  the  Inklespill  legends  and  the  rure, 
the  rule  of  the  hoop  and  the  blessons  of  expedience  and  the  jus, 
the  jugicants  of  Pontius  Pilax  and  all  the  mummyscrips  in  Sick 
Bokes'  Juncroom  and  the  Chapters  for  the  Cunning  of  the  Chap- 
ters of  the  Conning  Fox  by  Tail. 

While  that  Mooksius  with  preprocession  and  with  propre- 
cession,  duplicitly  and  diplussedly,  was  promulgating  ipsofacts 
and  sadcontras  this  raskolly  Gripos  he  had  allbust  seceded  in 
monophysicking  his  illsobordunates.  But  asawfulas  he  had 
caught  his  base  semenoyous  sarchnaktiers  to  combuccinate  upon 
the  silipses  of  his  aspillouts  and  the  acheporeoozers  of  his  haggy- 
own  pneumax  to  synerethetise  with  the  breadchestviousness  of 
his  sweeatovular  ducose  sofarfully  the  loggerthuds  of  his  sakel- 
laries  were  fond  at  variance  with  the  synodals  of  his  spmepooliom 
and  his  babskissed  nepogreasymost  got  the  hoof  from  his  philio- 
quus. 

—  Efter  thousand  yaws,  O  Gripes  con  my  sheepskins,  yow 
will  be  belined  to  the  world,  enscayed  Mookse  the  pius. 

—  Ofter  thousand  yores,  amsered  Gripes  the  gregary,  be  the 
goat  of  MacHammud's,  yours  may  be  still,  O  Mookse,  more 
botheared. 

—  Us  shall  be  chosen  as  the  first  of  the  last  by  the  electress  of 
Vale  Hollow,  obselved  the  Mookse  nobily,  for  par  the  unicum 
of  Elelijiacks,  Us  am  in  Our  stabulary  and  that  is  what  Ruby  and 
Roby  fall  for,  blissim. 

The  Pills,  the  Nasal  Wash  (Yardly's),  the  Army  Man  Cut,  as 
british  as  bondstrict  and  as  straightcut  as  when  that  broken- 
arched  traveller  from  Nuzuland  .  . . 

—  Wee,  cumfused  the  Gripes  limply,  shall  not  even  be  the 
last  of  the  first,  wee  hope,  when  oust  are  visitated  by  the  Veiled 
Horror.  And,  he  added:  Mee  are  relying  entirely,  see  the  forte- 
thurd  of  Elissabed,  on  the  weigh tiness  of  mear's  breath.  Puffut! 

Unsightbared  embouscher,  relentless  foe  to  social  and  business 
succes !  (Hourihaleine)  It  might  have  been  a  happy  evening  but . . . 

156 


And  they  viterberated  each  other,  cams  et  coluber  with  the 
wildest  ever  wielded  since  Tarriestinus  lashed  Pissasphaltium. 

—  Unuchorn! 

—  Ungulant! 

—  Uvuloid! 

—  Uskybeak! 

And  bullfolly  answered  volleyball. 

Nuvoletta  in  her  lightdress,  spunn  of  sisteen  shimmers,  was 
looking  down  on  them,  leaning  over  the  bannistars  and  listening 
all  she  childishly  could.  How  she  was  brightened  when  Should- 
rups  in  his  glaubering  hochskied  his  welkinstuck  and  how  she 
was  overclused  when  Kneesknobs  on  his  zwivvel  was  makeact- 
-  ing  such  a  paulse  of  himshelp!  She  was  alone.  All  her  nubied 
companions  were  asleeping  with  the  squirrels.  Their  mivver, 
Mrs  Moonan,  was  off  in  the  Fuerst  quarter  scrubbing  the  back- 
steps  of  Number  28.  Fuvver,  that  Skand,  he  was  up  in  Norwood's 
sokaparlour,  eating  oceans  of  Voking's  Blemish.  Nuvoletta  lis- 
tened as  she  reflected  herself,  though  the  heavenly  one  with  his 
constellatria  and  his  emanations  stood  between,  and  she  tried  all 
she  tried  to  make  the  Mookse  look  up  at  her  (but  he  was  fore  too 
adiaptotously  farseeing)  and  to  make  the  Gripes  hear  how  coy 
she  could  be  (though  he  was  much  too  schystimatically  auricular 
about  his  ens  to  heed  her)  but  it  was  all  mild's  vapour  moist.  Not 
even  her  feignt  reflection,  Nuvoluccia,  could  they  toke  their 
gnoses  off  for  their  minds  with  intrepifide  fate  and  bungless 
curiasity,  were  conclaved  with  Heliogobbleus  and  Commodus 
and  Enobarbarus  and  whatever  the  coordinal  dickens  they  did 
as  their  damprauch  of  papyrs  and  buchstubs  said.  As  if  that  was 
their  spiration!  As  if  theirs  could  duiparate  her  queendim!  As  if 
she  would  be  third  perty  to  search  on  search  proceedings!  She 
tried  all  the  winsome  wonsome  ways  her  four  winds  had  taught 
her.  She  tossed  her  sfumastelliacinous  hair  like  la  princesse  de  la 
Petite  Bretagne  and  she  rounded  her  mignons  arms  like  Mrs 
Cornwallis-West  and  she  smiled  over  herself  like  the  beauty  of 
the  image  of  the  pose  of  the  daughter  of  the  queen  of  the  Em- 
perour  of  Irelande  and  she  sighed  after  herself  as  were  she  born 

157 


to  bride  with  Tristis  Tristior  Tristissimus.  But,  sweet  madonine, 
she  might  fair  as  well  have  carried  her  daisy's  worth  to  Florida. 
For  the  Mookse,  a  dogmad  Accanite,  were  not  amoosed  and  the 
Gripes,  a  dubliboused  Catalick,  wis  pinefully  obliviscent. 
— I  see,  she  sighed.  There  are  menner. 

The  siss  of  the  whisp  of  the  sigh  of  the  softzing  at  the  stir  of 
the  ver  grose  O  arundo  of  a  long  one  in  midias  reeds:  and  shades 
began  to  glidder  along  the  banks,  greepsing,  greepsing,  duusk 
unto  duusk,  and  it  was  as  glooming  as  gloaming  could  be  in  the 
waste  of  all  peacable  worlds.  Metamnisia  was  allsoonome  coloro- 
form  brune;  citherior  spiane  an  eaulande,  innemorous  and  un- 
numerose.  The  Mookse  had  a  sound  eyes  right  but  he  could  not 
all  hear.  The  Gripes  had  light  ears  left  yet  he  could  but  ill  see. 
He  ceased.  And  he  ceased,  tung  and  trit,  and  it  was  neversoever 
so  dusk  of  both  of  them.  But  still  Moo  thought  on  the  deeps  of 
the  undths  he  would  profoundth  come  the  morrokse  and  still 
Gri  feeled  of  the  scripes  he  would  escipe  if  by  grice  he  had  luck 
enoupes. 

Oh,  how  it  was  duusk!  From  Vallee  Maraia  to  Grasyaplaina, 
dormimust  echo!  Ah  dew!  Ah  dew!  It  was  so  duusk  that  the 
tears  of  night  began  to  fall,  first  by  ones  and  twos,  then  by  threes 
and  fours,  at  last  by  fives  and  sixes  of  sevens,  for  the  tired  ones 
were  wecking,  as  we  weep  now  with  them.  0/  0/  0!  Par  la 
pluie! 

Then  there  came  down  to  the  thither  bank  a  woman  of  no 
appearance  (I  believe  she  was  a  Black  with  chills  at  her  feet)  and 
she  gathered  up  his  hoariness  the  Mookse  motamourfully  where 
he  was  spread  and  carried  him  away  to  her  invisible  dwelling, 
thats  hights,  Aquila  Rapax^  for  he  was  the  holy  sacred  solem  and 
poshup  spit  of  her  boshop's  apron.  So  you  see  the  Mookse  he 
had  reason  as  I  knew  and  you  knew  and  he  knew  all  along.  And 
there  came  down  to  the  hither  bank  a  woman  to  all  important 
(though  they  say  that  she  was  comely,  spite  the  cold  in  her  heed) 
and,  for  he  was  as  like  it  as  blow  it  to  a  hawker's  hank,  she 
plucked  down  the  Gripes,  torn  panicky  autotone,  in  angeu  from 
his  limb  and  cariad  away  its  beotitubes  with  her  to  her  unseen 

IS8 


i 


shieling,  it  is,  De  Rore  Coeli.  And  so  the  poor  Gripes  got  wrong; 
for  that  is  always  how  a  Gripes  is,  always  was  and  always  will  ie. 
And  it  was  never  so  thoughtful  of  either  of  them.  And  there  were 
left  now  an  only  elmtree  and  but  a  stone.  Polled  with  pietrous, 
Sierre  but  saule.  O !  Yes !  And  Nuvoletta,  a  lass. 

Then  Nuvoletta  reflected  for  the  last  time  in  her  little  long  life 
and  she  made  up  all  her  myriads  of  drifting  minds  in  one.  She 
cancelled  all  her  engauzements.  She  climbed  over  the  bannistars; 
she  gave  a  childy  cloudy  cry:  Nueel  Nuee\  A  lightdress  fluttered. 
She  was  gone.  And  into  the  river  that  had  been  a  stream  (for  a 
thousand  of  tears  had  gone  eon  her  and  come  on  her  and  she  was 
stout  and  struck  on  dancing  and  her  muddied  name  was  Missis- 
liffi)  there  fell  a  tear,  a  singult  tear,  the  loveliest  of  all  tears  (I 
mean  for  those  crylove  fables  fans  who  are  'keen'  on  the  pretty- 
pretty  commonface  sort  of  thing  you  meet  by  hopeharrods)  for  it 
was  a  leaptear.  But  the  river  tripped  on  her  by  and  by,  lapping 
as  though  her  heart  was  brook:  JVhy^  why^  why!  Weh^  0  wehl 
Vse  so  silly  to  he  flowing  hut  I  no  canna  stay! 

No  applause,  please!  Bast!  The  romescot  nattleshaker  will  go 
round  your  circulation  in  diu  dursus, 

Allaboy,  Major,  I'll  take  your  reactions  in  another  place  after 
themes.  Nolan  Browne,  you  may  now  leave  the  classroom.  Joe 
Peters,  Fox. 

As  I  have  now  successfully  explained  to  you  my  own  natural- 
bom  rations  which  are  even  in  excise  of  my  vaultybrain  insure 
me  that  I  am  a  mouth's  more  deserving  case  by  genius.  I  feel  in 
symbathos  for  my  ever  devoted  friend  and  halfaloafonwashed, 
Gnaccus  Gnoccovitch.  Darling  gem!  Darling  smallfox!  Horose- 
shoew!  I  could  love  that  man  like  my  own  ambo  for  being  so 
baileycliaver  though  he's  a  nawful  curillass  and  I  must  slav  to 
methodiousness.  I  want  him  to  go  and  live  like  a  theabild  in 
charge  of  the  night  brigade  on  Tristan  da  Cunha,  isle  of  man- 
overboard,  where  he'll  make  Number  io6  and  be  near  Inacces- 
sible. (The  meeting  of  mahoganies,  be  the  waves,  rementious 
me  that  this  exposed  sight  though  it  pines  for  an  umbrella  of  its 
own  and  needs  a  shelter  belt  of  the  true  service  sort  to  keep  its 

159 


boles  clean,  —  the  weeping  beeches,  Picea  and  Tillia,  are  in  a 
wild  state  about  it  —  ought  to  be  classified,  as  Cricketbutt  Will- 
owm  and  his  two  nurserymen  advisers  suggested,  under  genus 
Inexhaustible  when  we  refloat  upon  all  the  butternat,  sweet  gum 
and  manna  ash  redcedera  which  is  so  purvulent  there  as  if  there 
was  howthorns  in  Curraghchasa  which  ought  to  look  as  plane 
as  a  lodgepole  to  anybody  until  we  are  introduced  to  that  pine- 
tacotta  of  Verney  Rubeus  where  the  deodarty  is  pinctured  for  us 
in  a  pure  stand,  which  we  do  not  doubt  ha  has  a  habitat  of  doing, 
but  without  those  selfsownseedlings  which  are  a  species  of  proof 
that  the  largest  individual  can  occur  at  or  in  an  olivetion  such  as 
East  Conna  Hillock  where  it  mixes  with  foolth  accacians  and 
common  sallies  and  is  tender)  Vux  Populus^  as  we  say  in  hickory- 
hockery  and  I  wish  we  had  some  more  glasses  of  arhor  vitae. 
Why  roat  by  the  roadside  or  awn  over  alum  pot?  Alderman 
Whitebeaver  is  dakyo.  He  ought  to  go  away  for  a  change  of 
ideas  and  he'd  have  a  world  of  things  to  look  back  on.  Do,  sweet 
Daniel!  If  I  weren't  a  jones  in  myself  I'd  elect  myself  to  be  his 
dolphin  in  the  wildsbillow  because  he  is  such  a  barefooted  rubber 
with  my  supersocks  pulled  over  his  face  which  I  publicked  in 
my  bestback  garden  for  the  laetification  of  siderodromites  and 
to  the  irony  of  the  stars.  You  will  say  it  is  most  unenglish  and 
I  shall  hope  to  hear  that  you  will  not  be  wrong  about  it.  But  I 
further,  feeling  a  bit  husky  in  my  truths. 

Will  you  please  come  over  and  let  us  mooremoore  murgessly 
to  each's  other  down  below  our  vices.  I  am  underheerd  by  old 
billfaust.  Wilsh  is  full  of  curks.  The  coolskittle  is  philip  debli- 
nite.  Mr  Wist  is  thereover  beyeind  the  wantnot.  Wilsh  and  wist 
are  as  thick  of  thins  udder  as  faust  on  the  deblinite.  Sgunoshooto 
estas  preter  la  tapizo  malgranda.  Lilegas  al  si  en  sia  chambro. 
Kelkefoje  funcktas,  kelkefoje  srumpas  Shultroj.  Houdian  Kiel  vi 
fartas,  mia  nigra  sinjoro.'*  And  from  the  poignt  of  fun  where  I 
am  crying  to  arrive  you  at  they  are  on  allfore  as  foibleminded  as 
you  can  feel  they  are  fablebodied. 

My  heeders  will  recoil  with  a  great  leisure  how  at  the  out- 
break before  trespassing  on  the  space  question  where  even 

1 60 


michelangelines  have  fooled  to  dread  I  proved  to  mindself  as  to 
your  sotisfiction  how  his  abject  all  through  (the  quickquid  of  Pro- 
fessor Ciondolone's  too  frequently  hypothecated  Bettlermensch) 
is  nothing  so  much  more  than  a  mere  cashdime  however  genteel 
he  may  want  ours,  if  we  please  (I  am  speaking  to  us  in  the  second 
person),  for  to  this  graded  intellecktuals  dime  is  cash  and  the 
cash  system  (you  must  not  be  allowed  to  forget  that  this  is  all 
contained,  I  mean  the  system,  in  the  dogmarks  of  origen  on 
spurios)  means  that  I  cannot  now  have  or  nothave  a  piece  of 
cheeps  in  your  pocket  at  the  same  time  and  with  the  same  man- 
ners as  you  can  now  nothalf  or  half  the  cheek  apiece  I've  in  mind 
unless  Burrus  and  Caseous  have  not  or  not  have  seemaultaneous- 
ly  sysentangled  themselves,  selldear  to  soldthere,  once  in  the 
dairy  days  of  buy  and  buy. 

Burrus,  let  us  like  to  imagine,  is  a  genuine  prime,  the  real 
choice,  full  of  natural  greace,  the  mildest  of  milkstoffs  yet  un- 
beaten as  a  risicide  and,  of  course,  obsoletely  unadulterous 
whereat  Caseous  is  obversely  the  revise  of  him  and  in  fact  not  an 
ideal  choose  by  any  meals,  though  the  betterman  of  the  two  is 
meltingly  addicted  to  the  more  casual  side  of  the  arrivaliste  case 
and,  let  me  say  it  at  once,  as  zealous  over  him  as  is  passably  he. 
The  seemsame  home  and  histry  seeks  and  hidepence  which  we 
used  to  be  reading  for  our  prepurgatory,  hot,  Schott.'^  till  Duddy 
shut  the  shopper  op  and  Mutti,  poor  Mutti!  brought  us  our  poor 
suppy,  (ah  who!  eh  how!)  in  Acetius  and  Oleosus  and  Sellius 
Volatilis  and  Petrus  Papricus !  Our  Old  Party  quite  united  round 
the  Slatbowel  at  Commons:  Pfarrer  Salamoss  himself  and  that 
sprog  of  a  Pedersill  and  his  Sprig  of  Thyme  and  a  dozen  of  the 
Murphybuds  and  a  score  and  more  of  the  hot  young  Capels  and 
Lettucia  in  her  greensleeves  and  you  too  and  me  three,  twinsome 
bibs  but  hansome  ates,  like  shakespill  and  eggs!  But  there's  many 
a  split  pretext  bowl  and  jowl;  and  (snob  screwing  that  cork, 
Schott!)  to  understand  this  as  well  as  you  can,  feeling  how  back- 
ward you  are  in  your  down-to-the-ground  benches,  I  have  com- 
pleted the  following  arrangement  for  the  coarse  use  of  stools  and 
if  I  don't  make  away  with  you  I'm  beyond  Caesar  outnullused. 

i6i 


The  older  sisars  (Tyrants,  regicide  is  too  good  for  you!)  be- 
come unbeurrable  from  age,  (the  compositor  of  the  farce  of 
dustiny  however  makes  a  thunpledrum  mistake  by  letting  off  this 
pienofarte  effect  as  his  furst  act  as  that  is  where  the  juke  comes 
in)  having  been  sort-of-nineknived  and  chewly  removed  (this 
soldier  -  author  -  batman  for  all  his  commontoryism  is  just 
another  of  those  souftsiezed  bubbles  who  never  quite  got  the 
Sandhurst  out  of  his  eyes  so  that  the  champaign  he  draws  for  us 
is  as  flop  as  a  plankrieg)  the  twinfreer  types  are  billed  to  make 
their  reupprearance  as  the  knew  kneck  and  knife  knickknots  on 
the  deserted  champ  de  bouteilles,  (A  most  cursery  reading  into  the 
Persic-Uraliens  hostery  shows  us  how  Fonnumagula  picked  up 
that  propper  numen  out  of  a  coUuction  of  prifixes  though  to 
the  permienting  cannasure  the  Coucousien  oafsprung  of  this 
sun  of  a  kuk  is  as  sattin  as  there's  a  tub  in  Tobolosk)  Osdak 
della  Vogul  Manna!  But  that  I  dannoy  the  fact  of  wanton  to 
weste  point  I  could  paint  you  to  that  butter  (cheese  it!)  if  you 
had  some  wash.  Mordvealive!  Oh  me  none  onsens!  Why  the 
case  is  as  inessive  and  impossive  as  kezom  hands!  Their  inter- 
locative  is  conprovocative  just  as  every  hazzy  hates  to  having  a 
hazbane  in  her  noze.  Caseous  may  bethink  limself  a  thought  of 
a  caviller  but  Burrus  has  the  reachly  roundered  head  that  goes 
best  with  thofthinking  defensive  fideism.  He  has  the  lac  of  wis- 
dom under  every  dent  in  his  lofter  while  the  other  follow's 
onni  vesy  milky  indeedmymy.  Laughing  over  the  linnuts  and 
weeping  off  the  uniun.  He  hisn't  the  hey  og  he  lisn't  the  lug, 
poohoo.  And  each  night  sim  misses  mand  he  winks  he  had  the 
semagen.  It  was  aptly  and  corrigidly  stated  (and,  it  is  royally 
needless  for  one  ex  imgue  Leonem  to  say  by  whom)  that  his 
seeingscraft  was  that  clarety  as  were  the  wholeborough  of  Poutres- 
bourg  to  be  averlaunched  over  him  pitchbatch  he  could  still  make 
out  with  his  augstritch  the  green  moat  in  Ireland's  Eye.  Let  me 
sell  you  the  fulltroth  of  Burrus  when  he  wore  a  younker.  Here 
it  is,  and  chorming  too,  in  six  by  sevens!  A  cleanly  line,  by  the 
gods!  A  king  off  duty  and  a  jaw  for  ever!  And  what  a  cheery 
ripe  outlook,  good  help  me  Deus  v  Deus!  If  I  were  to  speak 

162 


my  ohole  mouthful  to  arinam  about  it  you  should  call  me  the 
ormuzd  aliment  in  your  midst  of  faime.  Eat  ye  up,  heat  ye  up! 
sings  the  somun  in  the  salm.  Butyrum  et  mel  comedet  ut  sciat 
reprobare  malum  et  eligere  honum.  This,  of  course,  also  explains 
why  we  were  taught  to  play  in  the  childhood:  Der  Haensli  ist 
ein  Butterhrot^  mein  Butterhrot!  Und  Koebi  iss  dein  Schtinkenkotl 
JaJjaIJa! 

This  in  fact,  just  to  show  you,  is  Caseous,  the  brutherscutch 
or  puir  tyron:  a  hole  or  two,  the  highstinks  aforefelt  and  anygo 
prigging  wurms.  Cheesugh!  you  complain.  And  Hi  Hi  High 
must  say  you  are  not  Hoa  Hoa  Hoally  in  the  wrong! 

Thus  we  cannot  escape  our  likes  and  mislikes,  exiles  or  am- 
busheers,  beggar  and  neighbour  and  —  this  is  where  the  dime- 
show  advertisers  advance  the  temporal  relief  plea  —  let  us  be 
tolerant  of  antipathies.  Nex  quovis  burro  num  jit  mercaseusF  I  am 
not  hereby  giving  my  final  endorsement  to  the  learned  ignorants 
of  the  Cusanus  philosophism  in  which  old  Nicholas  pegs  it 
down  that  the  smarter  the  spin  of  the  top  the  sounder  the  span 
of  the  buttom  (what  the  worthy  old  auberginiste  ought  to  have 
meant  was:  the  more  stolidly  immobile  in  space  appears  to  me 
the  bottom  which  is  presented  to  use  in  time  by  the  top  primo- 
mobilisk  &c.).  And  I  shall  be  misunderstord  if  understood  to 
give  an  unconditional  sinequam  to  the  heroicised  furibouts  of 
the  Nolanus  theory,  or,  at  any  rate,  of  that  substrate  of  apart 
from  hissheory  where  the  Theophil  swoors  that  on  principial  he 
was  the  pointing  start  of  his  odiose  by  comparison  and  that  whiles 
eggs  will  fall  cheapened  all  over  the  walled  the  Bure  will  be  dear 
on  the  Brie. 

Now,  while  I  am  not  out  now  to  be  taken  up  as  unintention- 
ally recommending  the  Silkebjorg  tyrondynamon  machine  for 
the  more  economical  helixtrolysis  of  these  amboadipates  until 
I  can  find  space  to  look  into  it  myself  a  little  more  closely  first 
I  shall  go  on  with  my  decisions  after  having  shown  to  you  in 
good  time  how  both  products  of  our  social  stomach  (the  excellent 
Dr  Burroman,  I  noticed  by  the  way  from  his  emended  food 
theory,  has  been  carefully  digesting  the  very  wholesome  criticism 

163 


I  helped  him  to  in  my  princeps  edition  which  is  all  so  munch 
to  the  cud)  are  mutuearly  polarised  the  incompatabilily  of  any 
delusional  acting  as  ambivalent  to  the  fixation  of  his  pivotism. 
Positing,  as  above,  too  males  pooles,  the  one  the  pictor  of  the 
other  and  the  omber  the  Skoda  of  the  one,  and  looking  want- 
ingly  around  our  undistributed  middle  between  males  we  feel 
we  must  waistfully  woent  a  female  to  focus  and  on  this  stage 
there  pleasantly  appears  the  cowrymaid  M.  whom  we  shall 
often  meet  below  who  introduces  herself  upon  us  at  some  precise 
hour  which  we  shall  again  agree  to  call  absolute  zero  or  the 
babbling  pumpt  of  platinism.  And  so  like  that  former  son 
of  a  kish  who  went  up  and  out  to  found  his  farmer's  ashes  we 
come  down  home  gently  on  our  own  turnedabout  asses  to  meet 
Margareen. 

We  now  romp  through  a  period  of  pure  lyricism  of  shame- 
bred  music  (technologically,  let  me  say,  the  appetising  entry  of 
this  subject  on  a  fool  chest  of  vialds  is  plumply  pudding  the  carp 
before  doevre  hors)  evidenced  by  such  words  in  distress  as  / 
cream  for  thee^  Sweet  Margareen^  and  the  more  hopeful  0  Mar- 
gareena!  0  Margareena/  Still  in  the  bowl  is  left  a  lump  of  gold! 
(Correspondents,  by  the  way,  will  keep  on  asking  me  what  is  the 
correct  garnish  to  serve  drisheens  with.  Tansy  Sauce.  Enough). 
The  pawnbreaking  pathos  of  the  first  of  these  shoddy  pieces 
reveals  it  as  a  Caseous  effort.  Burrus's  bit  is  often  used  for  a  toast. 
Criniculture  can  tell  us  very  precisely  indeed  how  and  why  this 
particular  streak  of  yellow  silver  first  appeared  on  (not  in)  the 
bowel,  that  is  to  see,  the  human  head,  bald,  black,  bronze,  brown, 
brindled,  betteraved  or  blanchemanged  where  it  might  be  use- 
fully compared  with  an  earwig  on  a  fullbottom.  I  am  offering 
this  to  Signorina  Cuticura  and  I  intend  to  take  it  up  and  bring  it 
under  the  nosetice  of  Herr  Harlene  by  way  of  diverting  his 
attentions.  Of  course  the  unskilled  singer  continues  to  pervert 
our  wiser  ears  by  subordinating  the  space-element,  that  is  to 
sing,  the  ar/a,  to  the  time-factor,  which  ought  to  be  killed,  ill 
tempor,  I  should  advise  any  unborn  singer  who  may  still  be 
among  my  heeders  to  forget  her  temporal  diaphragm  at  home 

164 


(the  best  thing  that  could  happen  to  it!)  and  attack  the  roulade 
with  a  swift  colpo  di  glotdde  to  the  lug  (though  Maace  I  will 
insist  was  reclined  from  overdoing  this,  his  recovery  often  being 
slow)  and  then,  O !  on  the  third  dead  beat,  O !  to  cluse  her  eyes 
and  aiopen  her  oath  and  see  what  spice  I  may  send  her.  How? 
Cease  thee,  cantatrickee!  I  fain  would  be  solo.  Arouse  thee,  my 
valour!  And  save  for  e'er  my  true  Bdur! 

I  shall  have  a  word  to  say  in  a  few  yards  about  the  acoustic 
and  orchidectural  management  of  the  tonehall  but,  as  ours  is  a 
vivarious  where  one  plant's  breaf  is  a  lunger  planner's  byscent 
and  you  may  not  care  for  argon,  it  will  be  very  convenient  for 
me  for  the  emolument  to  pursue  Burrus  and  Caseous  for  a  rung 
or  two  up  their  isocelating  biangle.  Every  admirer  has  seen  my 
goulache  of  Marge  (she  is  so  like  the  sister,  you  don't  know,  and 
they  both  dress  ALIKE  !)  which  I  titled  The  Very  Picture  of 
a  Needlesswoman  which  in  the  presence  ornates  our  national 
cruetstand.  This  genre  of  portraiture  of  changes  of  mind  in  order 
to  be  truly  torse  should  evoke  the  bush  soul  of  females  so  I  am 
leaving  it  to  the  experienced  victim  to  complete  the  general 
suggestion  by  the  mental  addition  of  a  wallopy  bound  or,  should 
the  zulugical  zealot  prefer  it,  a  congorool  teal.  The  hatboxes 
which  composed  Rhomba,  lady  Trabezond  (Marge  in  her  ex- 
celsis)y  also  comprised  the  climactogram  up  which  B  and  C  may 
fondly  be  imagined  ascending  and  are  suggestive  of  gentlemen's 
spring  modes,  these  modes  carrying  us  back  to  the  superimposed 
claylayers  of  eocene  and  pleastoseen  formation  and  the  gradual 
morphological  changes  in  our  body  politic  which  Professor 
Ebahi-Ahuri  of  Philadespoinis  (111)  —  whose  bluebutterbust  I 
have  just  given  his  coupe  de  grass  to  —  neatly  names  a  hoite  d 
surprises.  The  boxes,  if  I  may  break  the  subject  gently,  are  worth 
about  fourpence  pourbox  but  I  am  inventing  a  more  patent  pro- 
cess, foolproof  and  pryperfect  (I  should  like  to  ask  that  Shedlock 
Homes  person  who  is  out  for  removing  the  roofs  of  our  criminal 
classics  by  what  deductio  ad  domunum  he  hopes  de  tacto  to  detect 
anything  unless  he  happens  of  himself,  movihile  tectu^  to  have  a 
slade  off)  after  which  they  can  be  reduced  to  a  fragment  of  their 

165 


true  crust  by  even  the  youngest  of  Margees  if  she  will  take  plase 
to  be  seated  and  smile  if  I  please. 

Now  there  can  be  no  question  about  it  either  that  I  having 
done  as  much,  have  quite  got  the  size  of  that  demilitery  young 
female  (we  will  continue  to  call  her  Marge)  whose  types  may  be 
met  with  in  any  public  garden,  wearing  a  very  "dressy"  affair, 
known  as  an  "ethel"  of  instep  length  and' with  a  real  fur,  reduced 
to  3/9,  and  muffin  cap  to  tone  (they  are  "angelskin"  this  fall), 
ostentatiously  hemming  apologetically  over  the  shirtness  of 
some  "sweet"  garment,  when  she  is  not  sitting  on  all  the  free 
benches  avidously  reading  about  "it"  but  ovidently  on  the  look 
out  for  "him"  or  so  "thrilled"  about  the  best  dressed  dolly  pram 
and  beautiful  elbow  competition  or  at  the  movies  swallowing 
sobs  and  blowing  bixed  mixcuits  over  "childe"  chaplain's  "latest" 
or  on  the  verge  of  the  gutter  with  some  bobbedhair  brieffrocked 
babyma's  toddler  (the  Smythe-Smythes  now  keep  TWO  domes- 
tics and  aspire  to  THREE  male  ones,  a  shover,  a  butlegger  and 
a  sectary)  held  hostage  at  armslength,  teaching  His  Infant 
Majesty  how  to  make  waters  worse. 

(I  am  closely  watching  Master  Pules,  as  I  have  regions  to  sus- 
pect from  my  post  that  her  "little  man"  is  a  secondary  school- 
teacher under  the  boards  of  education,  a  voted  disciple  of  Infan- 
tulus  who  is  being  utilised  thus  publicly  by  the  seducente  infanta 
to  conceal  her  own  more  mascular  personality  by  flaunting 
frivolish  finery  over  men's  inside  clothes,  for  the  femininny  of 
that  totamulier  will  always  lack  the  musculink  of  a  verumvirum. 
My  solotions  for  the  proper  parturience  of  matres  and  the  edu- 
cation of  micturious  mites  must  stand  over  from  the  moment  till 
I  tackle  this  tickler  hussy  for  occupying  my  uttentions.) 

Margareena  she's  very  fond  of  Burrus  but,  alick  and  alack! 
she  velly  fond  of  chee.  (The  important  influence  exercised  on 
everything  by  this  eastasian  import  has  not  been  till  now  fully 
flavoured  though  we  can  comfortably  taste  it  in  this  case.  I  shall 
come  back  for  a  little  more  say  farther  on.)  A  cleopatrician  in 
her  own  right  she  at  once  complicates  the  position  while  Burrus 
and  Caseous  are  contending  for  her  misstery  by  implicating  her- 

166 


self  with  an  elusive  Antonius,  a  wop  who  would  appear  to  hug 
a  personal  interest  in  refined  chees  of  all  chades  at  the  same  time 
as  he  wags  an  antomine  art  of  being  rude  like  the  boor.  This 
Antonius-Burrus-Caseous  grouptriad  may  be  said  to  equate 
the  qua/is  equivalent  with  the  older  socalled  talis  on  talis  one 
just  as  quantly  as  in  the  hyperchemical  economantarchy  the  tan- 
tum  ergons  irruminate  the  quantum  urge  so  that  eggs  is  to  whey 
as  whay  is  to  zeed  like  your  golfchild's  abe  boob  caddy.  And  this 
is  why  any  simple  philadolphus  of  a  fool  you  like  to  dress,  an 
athemisthued  lowtownian,  exlegged  phatrisight,  may  be  awfully 
green  to  one  side  of  him  and  fruitfully  blue  on  the  other  which 
will  not  screen  him  however  from  appealing  to  my  gropesarch- 
ing  eyes,  through  the  strongholes  of  my  acropoll,  as  a  boosted 
blasted  bleating  blatant  bloaten  blasphorus  blesphorous  idiot 
who  kennot  tail  a  bomb  from  a  painapple  when  he  steals  one 
and  wannot  psing  his  psalmen  with  the  cong  in  our  gregational 
pompoms  with  the  canting  crew. 

No!  Topsman  to  your  Tarpeia!  This  thing,  Mister  Abby,  is 
nefand.  (And,  taking  off  soutstufFs  and  alkalike  matters,  I  hope 
we  can  kill  time  to  reach  the  salt  because  there's  some  forceglass 
neutric  assets  bittering  in  the  soldpewter  for  you  to  plump  your 
pottage  in).  The  thundering  legion  has  stormed  Olymp  that 
it  end.  Twelve  tabular  times  till  now  have  I  edicted  it.  Merus 
Genius  to  Careous  Caseous!  Moriture,  te  salutat!  My  phemous 
themis  race  is  run,  so  let  Demoncracy  take  the  highmost!  (Abra- 
ham Tripier.  Those  old  diligences  are  quite  out  of  date.  Read 
next  answer).  I'll  beat  you  so  Ion.  (Bigtempered.  Why  not  take 
direct  action.  See  previous  reply).  My  unchanging  Word  is  sacred. 
The  word  is  my  Wife,  to  exponse  and  expound,  to  vend  and  to 
velnerate,  and  may  the  curlews  crown  our  nuptias!  Till  Breath 
us  depart!  Wamen.  Beware  would  you  change  with  my  years.  Be 
as  young  as  your  grandmother!  The  ring  man  in  the  rong  shop 
but  the  rite  words  by  the  rote  order!  Uhi  lingua  nuncupassit^  ibi 
fas!  Adversus  hostem  semper  sac!  She  that  will  not  feel  my  ful- 
moon  let  her  peel  to  thee  as  the  hoyden  and  the  impudent!  That 
mon  that  both  no  moses  in  his  sole  nor  is  not  awed  by  conquists 

167 


of  word's  law,  who  never  with  humself  was  fed  and  leaves 
his  soil  to  lave  his  head,  when  his  hope's  in  his  highlows  from 
whisking  his  woe,  if  he  came  to  my  preach,  a  proud  pursebroken 
ranger,  when  the  heavens  were  welling  the  spite  of  their  spout, 
to  beg  for  a  bite  i-n  our  bark  Noisdanger^  would  meself  and  Mac 
Jeffet,  four-in-hand,  foot  him  out?  —  ay!  —  were  he  my  own 
breastbrother,  my  doubled  withd  love  and  my  singlebiassed  hate, 
were  we  bread  by  the  same  fire  and  signed  with  the  same  salt, 
had  we  tapped  from  the  same  master  and  robbed  the  same  till, 
were  we  tucked  in  the  one  bed  and  bit  by  the  one  flea,  homo- 
gallant  and  hemycapnoise,  bum  and  dingo,  jack  by  churl,  though 
it  broke  my  heart  to  pray  it,  still  I'd  fear  I'd  hate  to  say! 

12.  Sacer  esto^ 

Answer:  Semus  sumus! 


i68 


Shem  is  as  short  for  Shemus  as  Jem  is  joky  for  Jacob.  A  few 
toughnecks  are  still  getatable  who  pretend  that  aboriginally  he 
was  of  respectable  stemming  (he  was  an  outlex  between  the  lines 
of  Ragonar  Blaubarb  and  Horrild  Hairwire  and  an  inlaw  to  Capt. 
the  Hon.  and  Rev.  Mr  Bbyrdwood  de  Trop  Blogg  was  among 
his  most  distant  connections)  but  every  honest  to  goodness  man 
in  the  land  of  the  space  of  today  knows  that  his  back  Hfe  will 
not  stand  being  written  about  in  black  and  white.  Putting  truth 
and  untruth  together  a  shot  may  be  made  at  what  this  hybrid 
actually  was  like  to  look  at. 

Shem's  bodily  getup,  it  seems,  included  an  adze  of  a  skull,  an 
eight  of  a  larkseye,  the  whoel  of  a  nose,  one  numb  arm  up  a 
sleeve,  fortytwo  hairs  off  his  uncrown,  eighteen  to  his  mock  lip, 
a  trio  of  barbels  from  his  megageg  chin  (sowman's  son),  the 
wrong  shoulder  higher  than  the  right,  all  ears,  an  artificial 
tongue  with  a  natural  curl,  not  a  foot  to  stand  on,  a  handful  of 
thumbs,  a  blind  stomach,  a  deaf  heart,  a  loose  liver,  two  fifths  of 
two  buttocks,  one  gleetsteen  avoirdupoider  for  him,  a  manroot 
of  all  evil,  a  salmonkelt's  thinskin,  eelsblood  in  his  cold  toes,  a 
bladder  tristended,  so  much  so  that  young  Master  Shemmy  on 
his  very  first  debouch  at  the  very  dawn  of  protohistory  seeing 
himself  such  and  such,  when  playing  with  thistlewords  in  their 
garden  nursery,  Griefotrofio,  at  Phig  Streat  iii,  Shuvlin,  Old 
Hoeland,  (would  we  go  back  there  now  for  sounds,  pillings  and 

169 


sense?  would  we  now  for  annas  and  annas?  would  we  for  full- 
score  eight  and  a  liretta?  for  twelve  blocks  one  bob?  for  four  tes- 
ters one  groat?  not  for  a  dinar!  not  for  jo!)  dictited  to  of  all  his 
little  brothron  and  sweestureens  the  first  riddle  of  the  universe: 
asking,  when  is  a  man  not  a  man?:  telling  them  take  their  time, 
yungfries,  and  wait  till  the  tide  stops  (for  from  the  first  his  day- 
was  a  fortnight)  and  offering  the  prize  of  a  bittersweet  crab,  a 
little  present  from  the  past,  for  their  copper  age  was  yet  un- 
minted,  to  the  winner.  One  said  when  the  heavens  are  quakers, 
a  second  said  when  Bohemeand  lips,  a  third  said  when  he,  no, 
when  hold  hard  a  jiffy,  when  he  is  a  gnawstick  and  detarmined 
to,  the  next  one  said  when  the  angel  of  death  kicks  the  bucket 
of  life,  still  another  said  when  the  wine's  at  witsends,  and  still 
another  when  lovely  wooman  stoops  to  conk  him,  one  of  the 
littliest  said  me,  me,  Sem,  when  pappa  papared  the  harbour,  one 
of  the  wittiest  said,  when  he  yeat  ye  abblokooken  and  he  zmear 
hezelf  zo  zhooken,  still  one  said  when  you  are  old  Fm  grey  fall 
full  wi  sleep,  and  still  another  when  wee  deader  walkner,  and 
another  when  he  is  just  only  after  having  being  semisized,  an- 
other when  yea,  he  hath  no  mananas,  and  one  when  dose  pigs 
they  begin  now  that  they  will  flies  up  intil  the  looft.  All  were 
wrong,  so  Shem  himself,  the  doctator,  took  the  cake,  the  correct 
solution  being  —  all  give  it  up?  — ;  when  he  is  a  —  yours  till 
the  rending  of  the  rocks,  —  Sham. 

Shem  was  a  sham  and  a  low  sham  and  his  lowness  creeped  out 
first  via  foodstuffs.  So  low  was  he  that  he  preferred  Gibsen's  tea- 
time  salmon  tinned,  as  inexpensive  as  pleasing,  to  the  plumpest 
roeheavy  lax  or  the  friskiest  parr  or  smolt  troutlet  that  ever  was 
gaffed  between  Leixlip  and  Island  Bridge  and  many  was  the  time 
he  repeated  in  his  botulism  that  no  junglegrown  pineapple  ever 
smacked  like  the  whoppers  you  shook  out  of  Ananias'  cans, 
Findlater  and  Gladstone's,  Corner  House,  Englend.  None  of 
your  inchthick  blueblooded  Balaclava  fried-at-belief-stakes  or 
juicejelly  legs  of  the  Grex's  molten  mutton  or  greasilygristly 
grunters'  goupons  or  slice  upon  slab  of  luscious  goosebosom 
with  lump  after  load  of  plumpudding  stufling  all  aswim  in  a 

170 


I 


I 


swamp  of  bogoakgravy  for  that  greekenhearted  yude!  Rosbif  of 
Old  Zealand!  he  could  not  attouch  it.  See  what  happens  when 
your  somatophage  merman  takes  his  fancy  to  our  virgitarian 
swan?  He  even  ran  away  with  hunself  and  became  a  farsoonerite, 
saying  he  would  far  sooner  muddle  through  the  hash  of  lentils 
in  Europe  than  meddle  with  Irrland*s  split  little  pea.  Once  when 
among  those  rebels  in  a  state  of  hopelessly  helpless  intoxication 
the  piscivore  strove  to  lift  a  czitround  peel  to  either  nostril,  hic- 
cupping, apparently  impromptued  by  the  hibat  he  had  with  his 
glottal  stop,  that  he  kukkakould  flowrish  for  ever  by  the  smell, 
as  the  czitr,  as  the  kcedron,  like  a  scedar,  of  the  founts,  on  moun- 
tains, with  limon  on,  of  Lebanon.  O !  the  lowness  of  him  was 
.  beneath  all  up  to  that  sunk  to!  No  likedbylike  firewater  or  first- 
served  firstshot  or  gulletburn  gin  or  honest  brewbarrett  beer  either. 
O  dear  no !  Instead  the  tragic  jester  sobbed  himself  wheywhing- 
ingly  sick  of  life  on  some  sort  of  a  rhubarbarous  maundarin  yella- 
green  funkleblue  windigut  diodying  applejack  squeezed  from 
sour  grapefruice  and,  to  hear  him  twixt  his  sedimental  cupslips 
when  he  had  gulfed  down  mmmmuch  too  mmmmany  gourds  of 
it  retching  off  to  almost  as  low  withswillers,  who  always  knew 
notwithstanding  when  they  had  had  enough  and  were  rightly 
indignant  at  the  wretch's  hospitality  when  they  found  to  their 
horror  they  could  not  carry  another  drop,  it  came  straight  from 
the  noble  white  fat,  jo,  open  wide  sat,  jo,  jo,  her  why  hide  that, 
jo  jo  jo,  the  winevat,  of  the  most  serene  magyansty  az  archdio- 
chesse,  if  she  is  a  duck,  she's  a  douches,  and  when  she  has  a 
feherbour  snot  her  fault,  now  is  it?  artstouchups,  funny  you're 
grinning  at,  fancy  you're  in  her  yet,  Fanny  Urinia. 

Aint  that  swell,  hey?  Peamengro!  Talk  about  lowness!  Any 
dog's  quantity  of  it  visibly  oozed  out  thickly  from  this  dirty 
little  blacking  beetle  for  the  very  fourth  snap  the  Tulloch-Turn- 
bull  girl  with  her  coldblood  kodak  shotted  the  as  yet  unre- 
muneranded  national  apostate,  who  was  cowardly  gun  and  camera 
shy,  taking  what  he  fondly  thought  was  a  short  cut  to  Caer  Fere, 
Soak  Amerigas,  vias  the  shipsteam  Pridewiriy  after  having  buried 
a  hatchet  not  so  long  before,  by  the  wrong  goods  exeunt,  num- 

171 


mer  desh  to  tren,  into  Patatapapaveri's,  fruiterers  and  musical 
florists,  with  his  Ciaho,  chavif  Sar  shin^  shillipen?  she  knew  the 
vice  out  of  bridewell  was  a  bad  fast  man  by  his  walk  on  the 
spot. 

[Johns  is  a  different  butcher's.  Next  place  you  are  up  town  pay 
him  a  visit.  Or  better  still,  come  tobuy.  You  will  enjoy  cattlemen's 
spring  meat.  Johns  is  now  quite  divorced  from  baking.  Fattens, 
kills,  flays,  hangs,  draws,  quarters  and  pieces.  Feel  his  lambs!  Ex! 
Feel  how  sheap!  Exex!  His  liver  too  is  great  value,  a  spatiality! 
Exexex!  COMMUNICATED.] 

Around  that  time,  moravar,  one  generally,  for  luvvomony 
hoped  or  at  any  rate  suspected  among  morticians  that  he  would 
early  turn  out  badly,  develop  hereditary  pulmonary  T.B.,  and 
do  for  himself  one  dandy  time,  nay,  of  a  pelting  night  blanketed 
creditors,  hearing  a  coarse  song  and  splash  off  Eden  Quay  sighed 
and  rolled  over,  sure  all  was  up,  but,  though  he  fell  heavily  and 
locally  into  debit,  not  even  then  could  such  an  antinomian  be 
true  to  type.  He  would  not  put  fire  to  his  cerebrum;  he  would 
not  throw  himself  in  Liffey;  he  would  not  explaud  himself  with 
pneumantics;  he  refused  to  saffrocake  himself  with  a  sod.  With 
the  foreign  devil's  leave  the  fraid  born  fraud  diddled  even  death. 
An:(i^  cabled  (but  shaking  the  worth  out  of  his  maulth:  Guarda- 
costa  leporello.^  Szasas  Kraicz!)  from  his  Nearapoblican  asylum 
to  his  jonathan  for  a  brother:  Here  tokay,  gone  tomory,  we're 
spluched,  do  something,  Fireless.  And  had  answer:  Inconvenient, 
David. 

You  see,  chaps,  it  will  trickle  out,  freaksily  of  course,  but  the 
tom  and  the  shorty  of  it  is:  he  was  in  his  bardic  memory  low. 
All  the  time  he  kept  on  treasuring  with  condign  satisfaction  each 
and  every  crumb  of  trektalk,  covetous  of  his  neighbour's  word, 
and  if  ever,  during  a  Munda  conversazione  commoted  in  the 
nation's  interest,  delicate  tippits  were  thrown  out  to  him  touch- 
ing his  evil  courses  by  some  wellwishers,  vainly  pleading  by 
scriptural  arguments  with  the  opprobrious  papist  about  trying 
to  brace  up  for  the  kidos  of  the  thing,  Scally  wag,  and  be  a  men 
instead  of  a  dem  scrounger,  dish  it  all,  such  as:  Pray,  what  is 

172 


Il 


the  meaning,  sousy,  of  that  continental  expression,  if  you  ever 
came  acrux  it,  we  think  it  is  a  word  transpiciously  like  canaille}: 
or:  Did  you  anywhere,  kennel,  on  your  gullible's  travels  or 
during  your  rural  troubadouring,  happen  to  stumble  upon  a 
certain  gay  young  nobleman  whimpering  to  the  name  of  Low 
Swine  who  always  addresses  women  out  of  the  one  corner  of 
his  mouth,  lives  on  loans  and  is  furtivefree  yours  of  age?  with- 
out one  sigh  of  haste  like  the  supreme  prig  he  was,  and  not  a  bit 
sorry,  he  would  pull  a  vacant  landlubber's  face,  root  with  ear- 
waker's  pensile  in  the  outer  of  his  lauscher  and  then,  lisping, 
the  prattlepate  parnella,  to  kill  time,  and  swatting  his  deadbest 
to  think  what  under  the  canopies  of  Jansens  Chrest  would  any 
decent  son  of  an  Albiogenselman  who  had  bin  to  an  university 
think,  let  a  lent  hit  a  hint  and  begin  to  tell  all  the  intelligentsia 
admitted  to  that  tamileasy  samtalaisy  conclamazzione  (since,  still 
and  before  physicians,  lawyers  merchant,  belfry  pollititians,  agri- 
colous  manufraudurers,  sacrestanes  of  the  Pure  River  Society, 
philanthropicks  lodging  on  as  many  boards  round  the  panesthetic 
at  the  same  time  as  possible)  the  whole  Hfelong  swrine  story  of 
his  entire  low  cornaille  existence,  abusing  his  deceased  ancestors 
wherever  the  sods  were  and  one  moment  tarabooming  great 
blunderguns  (poh!)  about  his  farfamed  fine  Poppamore,  Mr 
Humhum,  whom  history,  climate  and  entertainment  made  the 
first  of  his  sept  and  always  up  to  debt,  though  Eavens  ears  ow 
many  fines  he  faces,  and  another  moment  visanvrerssas,  cruach- 
ing  three  jeers  (pah!)  for  his  rotten  little  ghost  of  a  Peppybeg, 
Mr  Himmyshimmy,  a  blighty,  a  reeky,  a  Hghty,  a  scrapy,  a  bab- 
bly,  a  ninny,  dirty  seventh  among  thieves  and  always  bottom 
sawyer,  till  nowan  knowed  how  howmely  howme  could  be,  giv- 
ing unsolicited  testimony  on  behalf  of  the  absent,  as  glib  as  eaves- 
water  to  those  present  (who  meanwhile,  with  increasing  lack  of 
interest  in  his  semantics,  allowed  various  subconscious  smickers 
to  drivel  slowly  across  their  fichers),  unconsciously  explaining, 
for  inkstands,  with  a  meticulosity  bordering  on  the  insane,  the 
various  meanings  of  all  the  different  foreign  parts  of  speech  he 
misused  and  cuttlefishing  every  lie  unshrinkable  about  all  the 

173 


other  people  in  the  story,  leaving  out,  of  course,  foreconsciously, 
the  simple  worf  and  plague  and  poison  they  had  cornered  him 
about  until  there  was  not  a  snoozer  among  them  but  was  utterly 
undeceived  in  the  heel  of  the  reel  by  the  recital  of  the  rigmarole. 

He  went  without  saying  that  the  cull  disliked  anything  anyway 
approaching  a  plain  straightforward  standup  or  knockdown  row 
and,  as  often  as  he  was  called  in  to  umpire  any  octagonal  argu- 
ment among  slangwhangers,  the  accomplished  washout  always 
used  to  rub  shoulders  with  the  last  speaker  and  clasp  shakers  (the 
handtouch  which  is  speech  without  words)  and  agree  to  every 
word  as  soon  as  half  uttered,  command  me!,  your  servant,  good, 
I  revere  you,  how,  my  seer?  be  drinking  that!  quite  truth,  grati- 
as,  Fm  yoush,  see  wha'm  hearing?,  also  goods,  please  it,  me 
sure?,  be  filling  this!,  quiso,  you  said  it,  apasafello,  muchas 
grassyass,  is  tliere  firing-on-me?,  is  their  girlic-on-you?,  to  your 
good  self,  your  sulphur,  and  then  at  once  focuss  his  whole 
unbalanced  attention  upon  the  next  octagonist  who  managed  to 
catch  a  listener's  eye,  asking  and  imploring  him  out  of  his 
piteous  onewinker,  (Jiemoptysia  diadumenos)  whether  there  was 
anything  in  the  world  he  could  do  to  please  him  and  to  overflow 
his  tumbletantaliser  for  him  yet  once  more. 

One  hailcannon  night  (for  his  departure  was  attended  by  a 
heavy  downpour)  as  very  recently  as  some  thousand  rains  ago  he 
was  therefore  treated  with  what  closely  resembled  parsonal  viol- 
ence, being  soggert  all  unsuspectingly  through  the  deserted  village 
of  Tumblin-on-the-Leafy  from  Mr  Vanhomrigh's  house  at  8i  bis 
Mabbot's  Mall  as  far  as  Green  Patch  beyond  the  brickfields  of 
Salmon  Pool  by  rival  teams  of  slowspiers  counter  quicklimers 
who  finally,  as  rahilly  they  had  been  deteened  out  rawther  lae- 
tich,  thought,  busnis  hits  busnis,  they  had  better  be  streaking  for 
home  after  their  Auborne-to-Auborne,  with  thanks  for  the  pleasant 
evening,  one  and  all  disgustedly,  instead  of  ruggering  him  back, 
and  awake,  reconciled  (though  they  were  as  jealous  as  could  be 
cullions  about  all  the  truffles  they  had  brought  on  him)  to  a 
friendship,  fast  and  furious,  which  merely  arose  out  of  die  noxious 
pervert's  perfect  lowness.  Again  there  was  a  hope  that  people, 

174 


\ 


looking  on  him  with  the  contemp  of  the  contempibles,  after 
first  gaving  him  a  roll  in  the  dirt,  might  pity  and  forgive  him,  if 
properly  deloused,  but  the  pleb  was  born  a  Quicklow  and  sank 
alowing  till  he  stank  out  of  sight. 

All  Saints  beat  Belial!  Mickil  Goals  to  Nichil!  Notpossible! 
Already? 

In  Nowhere  has  yet  the  Whole  World  taken  part  of  himself  for  his 
Wife; 

By  Nowhere  have  Poorparents  been  sentenced  to  Worms ^  Blood  and 

Thunder  for  Life 
Not  yet  has  the  Empfrom  Cor psica  forced  the  Arth  out  of Engleterre; 
Not  yet  have  the  Sachsen  and  Judder  on  the  Mound  of  a  Word  made 

Warre; 

Not  yet  Witchywithcy  of  Wench  struck  Fire  of  his  Heath  from  on 
Hoath; 

Not  yet  his  Arcohaleine  forespoken  Peacepeace  upon  Oath; 
Cleftfoot  from  Hempal  must  tumpel,  Blamefool  Gardener  s  bound  to 

Broken  Eggs  will  poursuive  bitten  Apples  for  where  theirs  is  Will 
there  s  his  Wall; 

But  the  Mountstill  frowns  on  the  Millstream  while  their  Madsons 
leap  his  Bier 

And  her  Rillstrill  liffs  to  His  Murkesty  all  her  daft  Daughters  laff 
in  her  Ear, 

Till  the  four  Shores  of  deff  Tory  Island  let  the  dou^e  dumm  Eire- 
whiggs  raille! 

HirpI  Hirp!  for  their  Missed  Understandings!  chirps  the  Ballat  of 
Perce-Oreille, 

O  fortunous  casualitas!  Lefty  takes  the  cherubcake  while 
Rights  cloves  his  hoof.  Darkies  never  done  tug  that  coon  out  to 
play  non-excretory,  anti-sexuous,  misoxenetic,  gaasy  pure,  flesh 
and  blood  games,  written  and  composed  and  sung  and  danced 
by  Niscemus  Nemon,  same  as  piccaninnies  play  all  day,  those 
old  (none  of  your  honeys  and  rubbers !)  games  for  fun  and  ele- 
ment we  used  to  play  with  Dina  and  old  Joe  kicking  her  behind 
and  before  and  the  yellow  girl  kicking  him  behind  old  Joe, 

175 


games  like  Thorn  Thorn  the  Thonderman,  Put  the  Wind  up  the 
Peeler^  Hat  in  the  Ring,  Prissonyour  P  rite  hards  and  Play  Withers 
Team,  Mikel  on  the  Lucky  pig.  Nickel  in  the  Slot,  Sheila  Harnett  and 
her  Cow,  Adam  and  Ell,  Humble  Bumble,  Moggie  s  on  the  Wall, 
Twos  and  Threes,  American  Jump,  Fox  Come  out  of  your  Den, 
Broken  Bottles,  W riting  a  Letter  to  Punch,  Tiptop  is  a  Sweetstore, 
Henressy  Crump  Expolled,  Postmarks  Knock,  Are  We  F airly s  Rep- 
resented?, Solomon  Silent  reading,  Appletree  Bearstone,  I  know  a 
Washerwoman,  Hospitals,  As  I  was  Walking,  There  is  Oney one's 
House  in  Dreamcolohour,  Battle  of  Waterloo,  Colours,  Eggs  in  the 
Bush,  Habberdasherisher,  Telling  your  Dreams,  Whats  the  Time, 
Nap,  Ducking  Mammy,  Last  Man  Standing,  Heali  Baboon  and  the 
Forky  Theagues,  Fickleyes  and  Futilears,  Handmarried  but  once  in 
my  Life  and  Vll  never  commit  such  a  Sin  agin^  Zip  Cooney  Candy, 
Turkey  in  the  Straw,  This  is  the  W iy  we  sow  the  Seed  of  a  long  and 
lusty  Morning,  Hops  of  Fun  at  Milikens  Make,  I  seen  the  Tooth- 
brush with  Pat  Farrel,  Here's  the  Fat  to  graie  the  Priest  s  Boots, 
When  his  Steam  was  like  a  Raimbrandt  round  Mac  Garvey, 

No  w  it  is  notoriously  known  how  on  that  surprisingly  bludgeony 
Unity  Sunday  when  the  grand  germogall  allstar  bout  was  harrily 
the  rage  between  our  weltingtoms  extraordinary  and  our  petty- 
thicks  the  marshalaisy  and  Irish  eyes  of  welcome  were  smiling 
daggers  down  their  backs,  when  the  roth,  vice  and  blause  met  the 
noyr  blank  and  rogues  and  the  grim  white  and  cold  bet  the  black 
fighting  tans,  categorically  unimperatived  by  the  maxims,  a  rank 
funk  getting  the  better  of  him,  the  scut  in  a  bad  fit  of  pyjamas 
fied  like  a  leveret  for  his  bare  lives,  to  Talviland,  ahone  ahaza,  pur- 
sued by  the  scented  curses  of  all  the  village  belles  and,  without 
having  struck  one  blow,  (pig  stole  on  him  was  lust  he  lagging  it 
was  becaused  dust  he  shook)  kuskykorked  himself  up  tight  in 
his  inkbattle  house,  badly  the  worse  for  boosegas,  there  to  stay 
in  afar  for  the  life,  where,  as  there  was  not  a  moment  to  be  lost, 
after  he  had  boxed  around  with  his  fortepiano  till  he  was  whole 
bach  bamp  him  and  bump  him  blues,  he  collapsed  carefully  under 
a  bedtick  from  Schwitzer's,  his  face  enveloped  into  a  dead  war- 
rior's telemac,  with  a  lullobaw's  somnbomnet  and  a  whotwater- 

176 


wottle  at  his  feet  to  stoke  his  energy  of  waiting,  moaning  feebly, 
in  monkmarian  monotheme,  but  tarned  long  and  then  a  nation 
louder,  while  engaged  in  swallowing  from  a  large  ampullar,  that 
his  pawdry's  purgatory  was  more  than  a  nigger  bloke  could  bear, 
hemiparalysed  by  the  tong  warfare  and  all  the  shemozzle,  {Daily 
Maily^fullup  Lace!  Holy  Maly,  Mothelup  Joss!)  his  cheeks  and 
trousers  changing  colour  every  time  a  gat  croaked. 

How  is  that  for  low,  laities  and  gentlenuns?  Why,  dog  of  the 
Crostiguns,  whole  continents  rang  with  this  Kairokorran  low- 
ness!  Sheols  of  houris  in  chems  upon  divans,  (revolted  Stellas 
vespertine  vesamong  them)  at  a  bare  (O !)  mention  of  the  scaly 
rybald  exclaimed:  Poisse! 

But  would  anyone,  short  of  a  madhouse,  believe  it?  Neither  of 
those  clean  little  cherubum,  Nero  or  Nobookisonester  himself, 
ever  nursed  such  a  spoiled  opinion  of  his  monstrous  marvellosity 
as  did  this  mental  and  moral  defective  (here  perhaps  at  the 
vanessance  of  his  lownest)  who  was  known  to  grognt  rather  than 
gunnard  upon  one  occasion,  while  drinking  heavily  of  spirits  to 
that  interlocutor  a  latere  and  private  privysuckatary  he  used  to 
pal  around  with,  in  the  kavehazs,  one  Davy  Browne-Nowlan,  his 
heavenlaid  twin,  (this  hambone  dogpoet  pseudoed  himself  under 
the  hangname  he  gave  himself  of  Bethgelert)  in  the  porchway  of 
a  gipsy's  bar  (Shem  always  blaspheming,  so  holy  writ,  Billy,  he 
would  try,  old  Belly,  and  pay  this  one  manjack  congregant  of 
his  four  soups  every  lass  of  nexmouth,  Bolly,  so  sure  as  thair's  a 
tail  on  a  commet,  as  a  taste  for  storik's  fortytooth,  that  is  to 
stay,  to  listen  out,  ony  twenny  minnies  moe,  Bully,  his  Ballade 
Imaginaire  which  was  to  be  dubbed  JVinCy  Woman  and  JVater- 
.  clocks^  or  How  a  Guy  Finks  and  Fawkes  When  He  Is  Going  Batty ^ 
by  Maistre  Sheames  de  la  Plume,  some  most  dreadful  stuff  in  a 
murderous  mirrorhand)  that  he  was  avoopf  (parn  me!)  aware 
of  no  other  shaggspick,  other  Shakhisbeard,  either  prexactly 
unlike  his  polar  andthisishis  or  procisely  the  seem  as  woops 
(parn!)  as  what  he  fancied  or  guessed  the  sames  as  he  was  him- 
self and  that,  greet  scoot,  duckings  and  thuggery,  though  he  was 
foxed  fux  to  fux  like  a  bunnyboy  rodger  with  all  the  teashop 

177 


lionses  of  Lumdrum  hivanhoesed  up  gagainst  him,  being  a  lapsis 
linquo  with  a  ruvidubb  shortartempa,  bad  cad  dad  fad  sad  mad 
nad  vanhaty  bear,  die  consciquenchers  of  casuality  prepestered 
crusswords  in  postposition,  scruff,  scruffer,  scrufferumurraimost 
andallthatsortofthing,  if  reams  stood  to  reason  and  his  lanka- 
livline  lasted  he  would  wipe  alley  english  spooker,  multapho- 
niaksically  spuking,  off  the  face  of  the  erse. 

After  the  thorough  fright  he  got  that  bloody,  Swithun's  day, 
though  every  doorpost  in  muchtried  Lucalizod  was  smeared  with 
generous  erstborn  gore  and  every  free  for  all  cobbleway  slippery 
with  the  bloods  of  heroes,  crying  to  Welkins  for  others,  and 
noahs  and  cul  verts  agush  with  tears  of  joy,  our  low  waster  never 
had  the  common  baalamb's  pluck  to  stir  out  and  about  the  com- 
pound while  everyone  else  of  the  torchlit  throng,  slashers  and 
sliced  alike,  mobbu  on  massa,  waaded  and  baaded  around,  yamp- 
yam  pampyam,  chanting  the  Gillooly  chorus,  from  the  Monster 
Book  of  Paltryattic  Puetrie,  0 pura  e  pia  bella!  in  junk  et  sampam 
or  in  secular  sinkalarum,  heads  up,  on  his  bonafide  avocation  (the 
little  folk  creeping  on  all  fours  to  their  natural  school  treat  but 
childishly  gleeful  when  a  stray  whizzer  sang  out  intermediately) 
and  happy  belongers  to  the  fairer  sex  on  their  usual  quest  for 
higher  things,  but  vying  with  Lady  Smythe  to  avenge  Mac- 
Jobber,  went  stonestepping  with  their  bickerrstaffs  on  educated 
feet,  plinkity  plonk,  across  the  sevenspan  ponte  id  colori  set  up 
over  the  slop  after  the  war-to-end  war  by  Messrs  a  charitable 
government  for  the  only  once  (dia  dose  Finnados !)  he  did  take 
a  tompip  peepestrella  throug  a  threedraw  eighteen  hawkspower 
durdicky  telescope,  luminous  to  larbourd  only  like  the  lamps  in 
Nassaustrass,  out  of  his  westernmost  keyhole,  spitting  at  the 
impenetrablum  wetter,  (and  it  was  porcoghastly  that  outumn)  with 
an  eachway  hope  in  his  shivering  soul,  as  he  prayed  to  the  cloud 
Incertitude,  of  finding  out  for  himself,  on  akkount  of  all  the 
kules  in  Kroukaparka  or  oving  to  all  the  kodseoggs  in  Kalatavala, 
whether  true  conciliation  was  forging  ahead  or  falling  back  after 
the  celestious  intemperance  and,  for  Duvvelsache,  why,  with  his 
see  me  see  and  his  my  see  a  corves  and  liis  frokerfoskerfuskar 

178 


layen  loves  in  meeingseeing,  he  got  the  charm  of  his  optical 
life  when  he  found  himself  {hie  sunt  lennonesf)  at  pointblank 
range  blinking  down  the  barrel  of  an  irregular  revolver  of 
the  bulldog  with  a  purpose  pattern,  handled  by  an  unknown 
quarreler  who,  supposedly,  had  been  told  off  to  shade  and 
shoot  shy  Shem  should  the  shit  show  his  shiny  shnout  out 
awhile  to  look  facts  in  their  face  before  being  hosed  and  creased 
(uprip  and  jack  him!)  by  six  or  a  dozen  of  the  gayboys. 

What,  para  Saom  Plaom,  in  the  names  of  Deucalion  and 
Pyrrha,  and  the  incensed  privy  and  the  licensed  pantry  gods 
and  Stator  and  Victor  and  Kutt  and  Runn  and  the  whole  mesa 
redonda  of  Lorencao  Otulass  in  convocacaon,  was  this  dis- 
interestingly  low  human  type,  this  Calumnious  Column  of 
Cloaxity,  this  Bengalese  Beacon  of  Biloxity,  this  Annamite  Aper 
of  Atroxity,  really  at,  it  will  be  precise  to  quarify,  for  he  seems 
in  a  badbad  case? 

The  answer,  to  do  all  the  diddies  in  one  dedal,  would  sound: 
from  pulling  himself  on  his  most  flavoured  canal  the  huge  chest- 
house  of  his  elders  (the  Popapreta^  and  some  navico,  navvies!) 
he  had  flickered  up  and  flinnered  down  into  a  drug  and  drunkery 
addict,  growing  megalomane  of  a  loose  past.  This  explains  the 
litany  of  septuncial  lettertrumpets  honorific,  highpitched,  erudite, 
neoclassical,  which  he  so  loved  as  patricianly  to  manuscribe  after 
his  name.  It  would  have  diverted,  if  ever  seen,  the  shuddersome 
spectacle  of  this  semidemented  zany  amid  the  inspissated  grime 
of  his  glaucous  den  making  believe  to  read  his  usylessly  unread- 
able Blue  Book  of  Eccles,  edition  de  tenhhres^  (even  yet  sighs  the 
Most  Different,  Dr.  Poindejenk,  authorised  bowdler  and  censor, 
it  can't  be  repeated!)  turning  over  three  sheets  at  a  wind,  telling 
himself  delightedly,  no  espellor  mor  so,  that  every  splurge  on  the 
vellum  he  blundered  over  was  an  aisling  vision  more  gorgeous 
than  the  one  before  t.i.t.s.,  a  roseschelle  cottage  by  the  sea  for 
nothing  for  ever,  a  ladies  tryon  hosiery  raffle  at  liberty,  a  sewer- 
ful  of  guineagold  wine  with  brancomongepadenopie  and  sick- 
cylinder  oysters  worth  a  billion  a  bite,  an  entire  operahouse 
(there  was  to  be  stamping  room  only  in  the  prompter's  box  and 

179 


everthemore  his  queque  kept  swelling)  of  enthusiastic  noble- 
women flinging  every  coronetcrimsoned  stitch  they  had  ofF  at 
his  probscenium,  one  after  the  others,  inamagoaded  into  ajustil- 
loosing  themselves,  in  their  gaiety  pantheomime,  when,  egad,  sir, 
acordant  to  all  acountstrick,  he  squealed  the  topsquall  im  Deal 
Lil  Shemlockup  Yellin  (geewhiz,  jew  ear  that  far!  soap  ewer! 
loutgout  of  sabaous!  juice  like  a  boyd!)  for  fully  five  minutes,  in- 
finitely better  than  Baraton  Mc  Gluckin  with  a  scrumptious  cocked 
hat  and  three  green,  cheese  and  tangerine  trinity  plumes  on  the 
right  handle  side  of  his  amarellous  head,  a  coat  macfarlane  (the 
kerssest  cut,  you  understand?)  a  sponiard's  digger  at  his  ribs, 
{Alfaiate  punxii)  an  azulblu  blowsheet  for  his  blousebosom 
blossom  and  a  dean's  crozier  that  he  won  from  Cardinal  Lin- 
dundarri  and  Cardinal  Carchingarri  and  Cardinal  Loriotuli  and 
Cardinal  Occidentaccia  (ah  ho!)  in  the  dearby  darby  doubled  for 
falling  first  over  the  hurdles,  madam,  in  the  odder  hand,  a.a.t.s.o.t., 
but  what  with  the  murky  light,  the  botchj_£rint,  the  tattered 
coyer,  the  jigjagged  page,  the  fumbling  fingers,  the  foxtrotting 
fleas,  the  lieabed  lice,  the  scum  on  his  tongue,  the  drop  in  his 
eye,  the  lump  in  his  throat,  the  drink  in  his  pottle,  the  itch  in  his 
palm,  the  wail  of  his  wind,  the  grief  from  his  breath,  the  fog  of 
his  mindfag,  the  buzz  in  his  braintree,  the  tic  of  his  conscience, 
the  height  up  his  rage,  the  gush  down  his  fundament,  the  fire 
in  his  gorge,  the  tickle  of  his  tail,  the  bane  in  his  bullugs,  the 
squince  in  his  suil,  the  rot  in  his  eater,  the  ycho  in  his  earer, 
the  totters  of  his  toes,  the  tetters  on  his  tumtytum,  the  rats  in  his 
garret,  the  bats  in  his  belfry,  the  budgerigars  and  bumbosolom 
beaubirds,  the  hullabaloo  and  the  dust  in  his  ears  since  it  took  him 
a  month  to  steal  a  march  he  was  hardset  to  mumorise  more  than 
a  word  a  week.  Hake's  haulin!  Hook's  fisk!  Can  you  beat  it? 
Whawe!  I  say,  can  you  bait  it?  Was  there  ever  heard  of  such 
lowdown  blackguardism?  Positively  it  woolies  one  to  think 
over  it. 

Yet  the  bumpersprinkler  used  to  boast  aloud  alone  to  himself 
with  a  haccent  on  it  when  Mynfadher  was  a  boer  constructor  and 
Hoy  was  a  lexical  student,  parole,  and  corrected  with  the  black- 

i8o 


oia\ 


r 


board  (trying  to  copy  the  stage  Englesemen  he  broughts  their 
house  down  on,  shouting:  Bravure,  surr  Chorles!  Letter  purfect! 
Culossal,  Loose  Wallor!  Spache!)  how  he  had  been  toed  out  of 
all  the  schicker  families  of  the  klondykers  from  Pioupioureich, 
Swabspays,  the  land  of  Nod,  Shruggers*  Country,  Pension 
Danubierhome  and  Barbaropolis,  who  had  settled  and  stratified 
in  the  capital  city  after  its  hebdomodary  metropoliarchialisation 
as  sunblistered,  moonplastered,  gory,  wheedling,  joviale,  litche- 
rous  and  full,  ordered  off  the  gorgeous  premises  in  most  cases  on 
account  of  his  smell  which  all  cookmaids  eminently  objected  to 
as  ressembling  the  bombinubble  puzzo  that  welled  out  of  the 
pozzo.  Instead  of  chuthoring  those  model  households  plain 
wholesome  pothooks  (a  thing  he  never  possessed  of  his  Nigerian 
own)  what  do  you  think  Vulgariano  did  but  study  with  stolen  ( 
fruit  how  cutely  to  copy  all  their  various  styles  of  signature  so  aS|' 
one  day  to  utter  an  epical  forged  cheque  on  the  public  for  his  own' 
private  profit  until,  as  just  related,  the  Dustbin's  United  Scullery- 
maid's  and  Househelp's  Sorority,  better  known  as  Sluttery's 
Mowlted  Futt,  turned  him  down  and  assisted  nature  by  unitedly 
shoeing  the  source  of  annoyance  out  of  the  place  altogether  and 
taytotally  on  the  heat  of  the  moment,  holding  one  another's 
gonk  (for  no-one,  hound  or  scrublady,  not  even  the  Turk,  un- 
greekable  in  purscent  of  the  armenable,  dared  whiff  the  polecat 
at  close  range)  and  making  some  pointopointing  remarks  as  they 
done  so  at  the  perfects  of  the  Sniffey,  your  honour,  aboon  the 
lyow  why  a  stunk,  mister. 

[Jymes  wishes  to  hear  from  wearers  of  abandoned  female  cos- 
tumes, gratefully  received,  wadmel  jumper,  rather  full  pair  of 
culottes  and  onthergarmenteries,  to  start  city  life  together.  His 
jymes  is  out  of  job,  would  sit  and  write.  He  has  lately  commited 
one  of  the  then  commandments  but  she  will  now  assist.  Superior 
built,  domestic,  regular  layer.  Also  got  the  boot.  He  appreciates 
it.  Copies.  ABORTISEMENT.] 

One  cannot  even  begin  to  post  figure  out  a  statuesquo  ante 
as  to  how  slow  in  reality  the  excommunicated  Drumcondriac, 
nate  Hamis,  really  was.  Who  can  say  how  many  pseudostylic 

rSi 


shamiana,  how  few  or  how  many  of  the  most  venerated  public 
impostures,  how  very  many  piously  forged  palimpsests  slipped 
in  the  first  place  by  this  morbid  process  from  his  pelagiarist  pen? 

Be  that  as  it  may,  but  for  that  light  phantastic  of  his  gnose's 
glow  as  it  slid  lucifericiously  within  an  inch  of  its  page  (he  would 
touch  at  its  from  time  to  other,  the  red  eye  of  his  fear  in 
saddishness,  to  ensign  the  colours  by  the  beerlitz  in  his  mathness 
and  his  educandees  to  outhue  to  themselves  in  the  cries  of  girl- 
glee:  gember!  inkware!  chonchambre!  cinsero!  zinnzabar!  tinc- 
ture and  gin!)  Nibs  never  would  have  quilled  a  seriph  to 
sheepskin.  By  that  rosy  lampoon's  effluvious  burning  and  with 
help  of  the  simulchronic  flush  in  his  pann  (a  ghinee  a  ghirk  he 
ghets  there!)  he  scrabbled  and  scratched  and  scriobbled  and 
skrevened  nameless  shamelessness  about  everybody  ever  he  met, 
even  sharing  a  precipitation  under  the  idlish  tarriers'  umbrella 
of  a  showerproof  wall,  while  all  over  up  and  down  the  four 
margins  of  this  rancid  Shem  stuff  the  evilsmeller  (who  was 
devoted  to  Uldfadar  Sardanapalus)  used  to  stipple  endlessly 
inartistic  portraits  of  himself  in  the  act  of  reciting  old 
Nichiabelli's  monolook  interyerear  Harmo^  o  Nonanno^  accel 
brubblemmdiS^  ser  Autore,  q.e.d.,  a  heartbreakingly  handsome 
young  paolo  with  love  lyrics  for  the  goyls  in  his  eyols,  a  plain- 
tiff's tanner  vuice,  a  jucal  inkome  of  one  hundred  and  thirtytwo 
dranchmas  per  yard  from  Broken  Hill  stranded  estate,  Came- 
breech  mannings,  cutting  a  great  dash  in  a  brandnew  two  guinea 
dress  suit  and  a  burled  hogsford  hired  for  a  Fursday  evenin 
merry  pawty,  anna  loavely  long  pair  of  inky  Italian  moostarshes 
glistering  with  boric  vaseline  and  frangipani.  Puh!  How  un- 
whisperably  so! 

The  house  O'Shea  or  O'Shame,  Quivapieno^  known  as  the 
Haunted  Inkbottle,  no  number  Brimstone  Walk,  Asia  in  Ireland, 
as  it  was  infested  with  the  raps,  with  his  penname  SHUT  sepia- 
scraped  on  the  doorplate  and  a  blind  of  black  sailcloth  over  its 
wan  phwinshogue,  in  which  the  soulcontracted  son  of  the  secret 
cell  groped  through  life  at  the  expense  of  the  taxpayers,  dejected 
into  day  and  night  with  Jesuit  bark  and  bitter  bite,  calico- 

182 


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hydrants  of  zolfor  and  scoppialamina  by  full  and  forty  Queasi- 
sanos,  every  day  in  everyone's  way  more  exceeding  in  violent 
abuse  of  self  and  others,  was  the  worst,  it  is  hoped,  even  in  our 
western  playboyish  world  for  pure  mousefarm  filth.  You  brag 
of  your  brass  castle  or  your  tyled  house  in  ballyfermont?  Niggs, 
niggs  and  niggs  again.  For  this  was  a  stinksome  inkenstink,  quite 
puzzonal  to  the  wrottel.  Smatterafact,  Angles  aftanon  browsing 
there  thought  not  Edam  reeked  more  rare.  My  wud !  The  warped 
flooring  of  the  lair  and  soundconducting  walls  thereof,  to  say 
nothing  of  the  uprights  and  imposts,  were  persianly  literatured 
with  burst  loveletters,  telltale  stories,  stickyback  snaps,  doubtful 
eggshells,  bouchers,  flints,  borers,  puffers,  amygdaloid  almonds, 
rindless  raisins,  alphybettyformed  verbage,  vivlical  viasses,  om- 
piter  dictas,  visus  umbique,  ahems  and  ahahs,  imeffible  tries  at 
speech  unasyllabled,  you  owe  mes,  eyoldhyms,  fluefoul  smut, 
fallen  lucifers,  vestas  which  had  served,  showered  ornaments, 
borrowed  brogues,  reversibles  jackets,  blackeye  lenses,  family 
jars,  falsehair  shirts.  Godforsaken  scapulars,  neverworn  breeches, 
cutthroat  ties,  counterfeit  franks,  best  intentions,  curried  notes, 
upset  latten  tintacks,  unused  mill  and  stumpling  stones,  twisted 
quills,  painful  digests,  magnifying  wineglasses,  solid  objects  cast 
at  goblins,  once  current  puns,  quashed  quotatoes,  messes  of  mot- 
tage,  unquestionable  issue  papers,  seedy  ejaculations,  limerick 
damns,  crocodile  tears,  spilt  ink,  blasphematory  spits,  stale  shest- 
nuts,  schoolgirls',  young  ladies',  milkmaids',  washerwomen's, 
shopkeepers'  wives,  merry  widows',  ex  nuns',  vice  abbess's,  pro 
virgins',  super  whores',  silent  sisters',  Charleys'  aunts',  grand- 
mothers', mothers'-in-laws',  fostermothers',  godmothers'  garters, 
tress  clippings  from  right,  lift  and  cintrum,  worms  of  snot, 
toothsome  pickings,  cans  of  Swiss  condensed  bilk,  highbrow 
lotions,  kisses  from  the  antipodes,  presents  from  pickpockets, 
borrowed  plumes,  relaxable  handgrips,  princess  promises,  lees  of 
whine,  deoxodised  carbons,  convertible  collars,  diviliouker 
doffers,  broken  wafers,  unloosed  shoe  latchets,  crooked  strait 
waistcoats,  fresh  horrors  from  Hades,  globules  of  mercury, 
undeleted  glete,  glass  eyes  for  an  eye,  gloss  teeth  for  a  tooth, 

183 


war  moans,  special  sighs,  longsufFerings  of  longstanding,  ahs  ohs 
Guis  sis  jas  jos  gias  neys  thaws  sos,  yeses  and  yeses  and  yeses,  to 
which,  if  one  has  the  stomach  to  add  the  breakages,  upheavals 
distortions,  inversions  of  all  this  chambermade  music  one  stands, 
given  a  grain  of  goodwill,  a  fair  chance  of  actually  seeing  the 
whirling  dervish.  Tumult,  son  of  Thunder,  self  exiled  in  upon 
his  ego,  a  nightlong  a  shaking  betwixtween  white  or  reddr  haw- 
rors,  noondayterrorised  to  skin  and  bone  by  an  ineluctable  phan- 
tom (may  the  Shaper  have  mercery  on  him!)  writing  the  mystery 
of  himsel  in  furniture. 

Of  course  our  low  hero  was  a  self  valeter  by  choice  of  need  so 
up  he  got  up  whatever  is  meant  by  a  Stourbridge  clay  kitchen- 
ette and  lithargogalenu  fowlhouse  for  the  sake  of  akes  (the 
umpple  does  not  fall  very  far  from  the  dumpertree)  which  the 
moromelodious  jigsmith,  in  defiance  of  the  Uncontrollable  Birth 
Preservativation  (Game  and  Poultry)  Act,  playing  lallaryrook 
cookerynook,  by  the  dodginess  of  his  lentern,  brooled  and  cocked 
and  potched  in  an  athanor,  whites  and  yolks  and  yilks  and  whotes 
to  the  frulling  fredonnance  of  Mas  blanca  que  la  hlanca  hermana 
and  Amarilla^  muy  bien^  with  cinnamon  and  locusts  and  wild  bees- 
wax and  liquorice  and  Carrageen  moss  and  blaster  of  Barry's  and 
Asther's  mess  and  Huster's  micture  and  Yellownan's  embrocation 
and  Pinkingtone's  patty  and  Stardust  and  sinner's  tears,  acuredent 
to  Sharadan's  Art  of  Panning^  chanting,  for  all  regale  to  the  like 
of  the  legs  he  left  behind  with  Litty  fun  Letty  fan  Leven,  his 
cantraps  of  fermented  words,  abracadabra  calubra  culorum,  (his 
oewfs  a  la  Madame  Gabrielle  de  I'Eglise,  his  avgs  a  la  Mistress 
B.  de  B.  Meinfelde,  his  eiers  Usquadmala  a  la  pomme  de  ciel, 
his  uoves,  oves  and  uves  a  la  Sulphate  de  Soude,  his  ochiuri 
sowtay  sowmmonay  a  la  Monseigneur,  his  soufflosion  of  oogs 
with  somekat  on  toyast  a  la  Mere  Puard,  his  Poggadovies  alia 
Fenella,  his  Frideggs  a  la  Tricareme)  in  what  was  meant  for  a 
closet  (Ah  ho!  If  only  he  had  listened  better  to  the  four  masters 
that  infanted  him  Father  Mathew  and  Le  Pere  Noble  and  Pastor 
Lucas  and  Padre  Aguilar  —  not  forgetting  Lay  teacher  Baudwin! 
Ah  ho!)  His  costive  Satan's  antimonian  manganese  limolitmious 

184 


nature  never  needed  sucli  an  alcove  so,  when  Robber  and  Mum- 
sell,  the  pulpic  dictators,  on  the  nudgment  of  their  legal  advisers, 
Messrs  Codex  and  Podex,  and  under  his  own  benefiction  of  their 
pastor  Father  Flammeus  Falconer,  boycotted  him  of  all  mutton- 
suet  candles  and  romeruled  stationery  for  any  purpose,  he  winged 
away  on  a  wildgoup's  chase  across  the  kathartic  ocean  and  made 
synthetic  ink  and  sensitive  paper  for  his  own  end  out  of  his  wit's 
waste.  You  ask,  in  Sam  Hill,  how?  Let  manner  and  matter  of  this 
for  these  our  sporting  times  be  cloaked  up  in  the  language  of 
blushfed  porporates  that  an  Anglican  ordinal,  not  reading  his 
own  rude  dunsky  tunga,  may  ever  behold  the  brand  of  scarlet 
on  the  brow  of  her  of  Babylon  and  feel  not  the  pink  one  in  his 
own  damned  cheek. 

Primum  opifexy  alius  prosator,  ad  terram  viviparam  et  cuncti- 
potentem  sine  ullo  pudore  nec  venia,  suscepto  pluviali  atque  discinctis 
periiomatisy  natibus  nudis  uti  nati  fuissenty  sese  adpropinquans , 
flens  et  gemens^  in  manum  suam  evacuavit  (highly  prosy,  crap  in  his 
hand,  sorry  ]) ^  postea^  animale  nigro  exoneratus^  classicum  pulsans^ 
stercus  proprium,  quod  appellavit  deiectiones  suas,  in  vas  olim 
honorabile  tristitiae  posuit,  eodem  sub  invocatione  fratrorum  gemino- 
Tum  Medardi  et  Godardi  laete  ac  melliflue  minxit^  psalmum  qui 
incipit:  Lingua  mea  calamus  scribae  velociter  scribentis:  magna  voce 
cantitans  (did  a  piss,  says  he  was  dejected,  asks  to  be  exonerated), 
demum  ex  stercore  turpi  cum  divi  Ononis  iucunditate  mixto,  cocto, 
frigorique  exposito,  encaustum  sibi  fecit  indelibile  (faked  O' Ryan's, 
the  indelible  ink). 

Then,  pious  Eneas,  conformant  to  the  fulminant  firman  which 
enjoins  on  the  tremylose  terrian  that,  when  the  call  comes,  he 
shall  produce  nichthemerically  from  his  unheavenly  body  a  no 
uncertain  quantity  of  obscene  matter  not  protected  by  copriright 
in  the  United  Stars  of  Ourania  or  bedeed  and  bedood  and  bedang 
and  bedung  to  him,  with  this  double  dye,  brought  to  blood  heat, 
gallic  acid  on  iron  ore,  through  the  bowels  of  his  misery,  flashly, 
faithly,  nastily,  appropriately,  this  Esuan  Menschavik  and  the  first 
till  last  alshemist  wrote  over  every  square  inch  of  the  only  fools- 
cap available,  his  own  body,  till  by  its  corrosive  sublimation  one 

185 


continuous  present  tense  integument  slowly  unfolded  all  marry- 
voising  moodmoulded  cyclewheeling  history  (thereby,  he  said, 
reflecting  from  his  own  individual  person  life  unlivable,  trans- 
accidentated  through  the  slow  fires  of  consciousness  into  a  divi- 
dual chaos,  perilous,  potent,  common  to  allflesh,  human  only, 
mortal)  but  with  each  word  that  would  not  pass  away  the  squid- 
self  which  he  had  squirtscreened  from  the  crystalline  world 
waned  chagreenold  and  doriangrayer  in  its  dudhud.  This  exists 
that  isits  after  having  been  said  we  know.  And  dabal  take  dab- 
nal!  And  the  dal  dabal  dab  aldanabal!  So  perhaps,  agglaggagglo- 
meratively  asaspenking,  after  all  and  arklast  fore  arklyst  on  his 
last  public  misappearance,  circling  the  square,  for  the  deathfete 
of  Saint  Ignaceous  Poisonivy,  of  the  Fickle  Crowd  (hopon  the 
sexth  day  of  Hogsober,  killim  our  king,  layum  low!)  and  brandish- 
ing his  bellbearing  stylo,  the  shining  keyman  of  the  wilds  of 
change,  if  what  is  sauce  for  the  zassy  is  souse  for  the  zazimas,  the 
blond  cop  who  thought  it  was  ink  was  out  of  his  depth  but 
bright  in  the  mairu 

Petty  constable  Sistersen  of  the  Kruis-Kroon-Kraal  it  was,  the 
parochial  watch,  big  the  dog  the  dig  the  bog  the  bagger  the 
dugger  the  begadag  degabug,  who  had  been  detailed  from  pollute 
stoties  to  save  him,  this  the  quemquem,  that  the  quum,  from  the 
ligatureliablous  effects  of  foul  clay  in  little  clots  and  mobmauling 
on  looks,  that  wrongcountered  the  tenderfoot  an  eveling  near 
the  livingsmeansuniumgetherum,  Knockmaree,  Comty  Mea,  reel- 
ing more  to  the  right  than  he  lurched  to  the  left,  on  his  way  from 
a  protoprostitute  (he  would  always  have  a  (stp !)  little  pigeoness 
somewhure  with  his  arch  girl,  Arcoiris,  smockname  of  Mergyt) 
just  as  he  was  butting  in  rand  the  coyner  of  bad  times  under  a 
hideful  between  the  rival  doors  of  warm  bethels  of  worship 
through  his  boardelhouse  fongster,  greeting  for  grazious  oras 
as  usual:  Where  ladies  have  they  that  a  dog  meansort  herring? 
Sergo,  search  me,  the  incapable  reparteed  with  a  selfevitant 
subtlety  so  obviously  spurious  and,  raising  his  hair,  after  the 
grace,  with  the  christmas  under  his  clutcharm,  for  Portsymasser 
and  Purtsymessus  and  Pertsymiss  and  Partsymasters,  like  a  prance 

i86 


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of  findingos,  with  a  shillto  shallto  slipny  stripny,  in  he  skittled. 
Swikey!  The  allwhite  poors  guardiant,  pulpably  of  balltossic 
stummung,  was  literally  astundished  over  the  painful  sake,  how 
he  burstteself,  which  he  was  gone  to,  where  he  intent  to  did  he, 
whether  you  think  will,  wherend  the  whole  current  of  the  after- 
noon whats  the  souch  of  a  surch  hads  of  hits  of  hims,  urged  and 
staggered  thereto  in  his  countryports  at  the  caledosian  capacity 
for  Lieutuvisky  of  the  caftan's  wineskin  and  even  more  so, 
during,  looking  his  bigmost  astonishments,  it  was  said  him, 
aschu,  fun  the  concerned  outgift  of  the  dead  med  dirt,  how  that, 
arrahbejibbers,  conspuent  to  the  dominical  order  and  exking 
noblish  permish,  he"  was  namely  coon  at  bringer  at  home  two 
gallonts,  as  per  royal,  full  poultry  till  his  murder.  Nip  up  and 
nab  it! 

Polthergeistkotzdondherhoploits!  Kick.'^  What  mother.^  Whose 
porter.'^  Which  pair.^  Why  namely  coon.^  But  our  undilligence  has 
been  plutherotested  so  enough  of  such  porterblack  lowneess,  too 
base  for  printink !  Perpending  that  Putterick  O'Purcell  pulls  the 
coald  stoane  out  of  Winterwater's  and  Silder  Seas  sing  for  Harreng 
our  Keng,  sept  okt  nov  dez  John  Phibbs  march!  We  cannot,  in 
mercy  or  justice  nor  on  the  lovom  for  labaryntos,  stay  here  for 
the  residence  of  our  existings,  discussing  Tamstar  Ham  of  Ten- 
man's  thirst. 

JUSTIUS  (to  himother):  Brawn  is  my  name  and  broad  is  my 
nature  and  I've  breit  on  my  brow  and  all's  right  with  every  fea- 
ture and  I'll  brune  this  bird  or  Brown  Bess's  bung's  gone  bandy. 
I'm  the  boy  to  bruise  and  braise.  Baus ! 

Stand  forth,  Nayman  of  Noland  (for  no  longer  will  I  follow 
you  obliquelike  through  the  inspired  form  of  the  third  person 
singular  and  the  moods  and  hesitensies  of  the  deponent  but  ad- 
dress myself  to  you,  with  the  empirative  of  my  vendettative,  pro- 
vocative and  out  direct),  stand  forth,  come  boldly,  jolly  me, 
move  me,  zwilling  though  I  am,  to  laughter  in  your  true  colours 
ere  you  be  back  for  ever  till  I  give  you  your  talkingto!  Shem 
Macadamsoh,  you  know  me  and  I  know  you  and  all  your  she- 
meries.  Where  have  you  been  in  the  uterim,  enjoying  yourself 

187 


all  the  morning  since  your  last  wetbed  confession?  I  advise  you 
to  conceal  yourself,  my  little  friend,  as  I  have  said  a  moment 
ago  and  put  your  hands  in  my  hands  and  have  a  nightslong 
homely  little  confiteor  about  things.  Let  me  see.  It  is  looking 
pretty  black  against  you,  we  suggest,  Sheem  avick.  You  will 
need  all  the  elements  in  the  river  to  clean  you  over  it  all  and  a 
fortifine  popespriestpower  bull  of  attender  to  booth. 

Let  us  pry.  We  thought,  would  and  did.  Cuty  quicquid,  ubiy 
quando,  quomodo,  quotiesy  quibus  auxiliis?  You  were  bred,  fed, 
fostered  and  fattened  from  holy  childhood  up  in  this  two  easter 
island  on  the  piejaw  of  hilarious  heaven  and  roaring  the  other 
place  (plunders  to  night  of  you,  blunders  what's  left  of  you,  flash 
as  flash  can!)  and  now,  forsooth,  a  nogger  among  the  blankards 
of  this  dastard  century,  you  have  become  of  twosome  twiminds 
forenenst  gods,  hidden  and  discovered,  nay,  condemned  fool, 
anarch,  egoarch,  hiresiarch,  you  have  reared  your  disunited  king- 
dom on  the  vacuum  of  your  own  most  intensely  doubtful  soul. 
Do  you  hold  yourself  then  for  some  god  in  the  manger,  Sheho- 
hem,  that  you  will  neither  serve  not  let  serve,  pray  nor  let  pray? 
And  here,  pay  the  piety,  must  I  too  nerve  myself  to  pray  for  the 
loss  of  selfrespect  to  equip  me  for  the  horrible  necessity  of  scan- 
dalisang  (my  dear  sisters,  are  you  ready?)  by  sloughing  off  my 
hope  and  tremors  while  we  all  swin  togedier  in  the  pool  of  So- 
dom? I  shall  shiver  for  my  purity  while  they  will  weepbig  for 
your  sins.  Away  with  covered  words,  new  Solemonities  for  old 
Badsheetbaths !  That  inharmonious  detail,  did  you  name  it?  Cold 
caldor!  Gee!  Victory!  Now,  opprobro  of  underslung  pipes, 
johnjacobs,  while  yet  an  adolescent  (what  do  I  say?),  while 
still  puerile  in  your  tubsuit  with  buttonlegs,  you  got  a  hand- 
some present  of  a  selfraising  syringe  and  twin  feeders  (you  know. 
Monsieur  Abgott,  in  your  art  of  arts,  to  your  cost  as  well  as  I  do 
(and  don't  try  to  hide  it)  the  penals  lots  I  am  now  poking  at)  and 
the  wheeze  sort  of  was  you  should  (if  you  were  as  bould  a  stroke 
now  as  the  curate  that  christened  you,  sonny  douth-the-candle!) 
repopulate  the  land  of  your  birth  and  count  up  your  progeny  by 
the  hungered  head  and  the  angered  thousand  but  you  thwarted 

i88 


the  wious  pish  of  your  cogodparents,  soph,  among  countless 
occasions  of  failing  (for,  said  you,  I  will  elenchate),  adding  to  the 
malice  of  your  transgression,  yes,  and  changing  its  nature,  (you 
see  I  have  read  your  theology  for  you)  alternating  the  morosity 
of  my  delectations  —  a  philtred  love,  trysting  by  tantrums, 
small  peace  in  ppenmark  —  with  sensibility,  sponsibility,  passi- 
bility  and  prostability,  your  lubbock's  other  fear  pleasures  of  a 
butler's  life,  even  extruding  your  strabismal  apologia,  when 
legibly  depressed,  upon  defenceless  paper  and  thereby  adding  to 
the  already  unhappiness  of  this  our  popeyed  world,  scribblative ! 
—  all  that  too  with  cantreds  of  countless  catchaleens,  the  man- 
nish as  many  as  the  minneful,  congested  around  and  about  you 
for  acres  and  roods  and  poles  or  perches,  thick  as  the  fluctuant 
sands  of  Chalwador,  accomplished  women,  indeed  fully  edu- 
canded,  far  from  being  old  and  rich  behind  their  dream  of  arri- 
visme,  if  they  have  only  their  honour  left,  and  not  deterred  by  bad 
weather  when  consumed  by  amorous  passion,  struggling  to  pos- 
sess themselves  of  your  boosh,  one  son  of  Sorge  for  all  daughters 
of  Anguish,  solus  cum  sola  sive  cuncdes  cum  omnihohs  (I'd  have 
been  the  best  man  for  you,  myself),  mutely  aying  for  that  natural 
knot,  debituary  vases  or  vessels  preposterous,  for  what  would 
not  have  cost  you  ten  bolivars  of  collarwork  or  the  price  of  one 
ping  pang,  just  a  lilt,  let  us  trillt,  of  the  oldest  song  in  the  wooed 
woodworld,  (two-we!  to-one!),  accompanied  by  a  plain  gold 
band!  Hail!  Hail!  Highbosomheaving  Missmisstress  Morna  of 
the  allsweetheartening  bridemuredemeanour!  Her  eye's  so  glad- 
some we'll  all  take  shares  in  the  groom! 

Sniffer  of  carrion,  premature  gravedigger,  seeker  of  the  nest 
of  evil  in  the  bosom  of  a  good  word,  you,  who  sleep  at  our  vigil 
and  fast  for  our  feast,  you  with  your  dislocated  reason,  have 
cutely  foretold,  a  jophet  in  your  own  absence,  by  blind  poring 
upon  your  many  scalds  and  burns  and  blisters,  impetiginous  sore 
and  pustules,  by  the  auspices  of  that  raven  cloud,  your  shade,  and 
by  the  auguries  of  rooks  in  parlament,  death  with  every  disaster, 
the  dynamitisation  of  colleagues,  the  reducing  of  records  to 
ashes,  the  levelling  of  all  customs  by  blazes,  the  return  of  a  lot 

189 


of  sweetempered  gunpowdered  didst  unto  dudst  but  it  never 
stphruck  your  mudhead's  obtundity  (O  hell,  here  comes  our 
funeral!  O  pest,  Fll  miss  the  post!)  that  the  more  carrots  you 
chop,  the  more  turnips  you  slit,  the  more  murphies  you  peel,  the 
more  onions  you  cry  over,  the  more  bullbeef  you  butch,  the 
more  mutton  you  crackerhack,  the  more  potherbs  you  pound, 
the  fiercer  the  fire  and  the  longer  your  spoon  and  the  harder  you 
gruel  with  more  grease  to  your  elbow  the  merrier  fumes  your 
new  Irish  stew. 

O,  by  the  way,  yes,  another  thing  occurs  to  me.  You  let  me  tell 
you,  with  the  utmost  politeness,  were  very  ordinarily  designed, 
your  birthwrong  was,  to  fall  in  with  Plan,  as  our  nationals 
should,  as  all  nationists  must,  and  do  a  certain  office  (what,  I  will 
not  tell  you)  in  a  certain  holy  office  (nor  will  I  say  where)  during 
certain  agonising  office  hours  (a  clerical  party  all  to  yourself)  from 
such  a  year  to  such  an  hour  on  such  and  such  a  date  at  so  and 
so  much  a  week  pro  anno  (Guinnesses,  may  I  remind,  were  just 
agulp  for  you,  failing  in  which  you  might  have  taken  the  scales  off 
boilers  like  any  boskop  of  Yorek)  and  do  your  little  thruppenny 
bit  and  thus  earn  from  the  nation  true  thanks,  right  here  in  our 
place  of  burden,  your  bourne  of  travail  and  ville  of  tares,  where 
after  a  divine's  prodigence  you  drew  the  first  watergasp  in  your 
life,  from  the  crib  where  you  once  was  bit  to  the  crypt  you'll 
be  twice  as  shy  of,  same  as  we,  long  of  us,  alone  with  the  colt 
in  the  curner,  where  you  were  as  popular  as  an  armenial  with 
the  faithful,  and  you  set  fire  to  my  tailcoat  when  I  hold  the 
paraffin  smoker  under  yours  (I  hope  that  chimney's  clear)  but, 
slackly  shirking  both  your  bullet  and  your  billet,  you  beat  it 
backwards  like  Boulanger  from  Galway  (but  he  combed  the  grass 
against  his  stride)  to  sing  us  a  song  of  alibi,  (the  cuthone  call  over 
the  greybounding  slowrolling  amplyheaving  metamorphoseous 
that  oozy  rocks  parapangle  their  preposters  with)  nomad,  mooner 
by  lamplight,  antinos,  shemming  amid  everyone's  repressed 
laughter  to  conceal  your  scatchophily  by  mating,  like  a  thorough- 
paste  prosodite,  masculine  monosyllables  of  die  same  numerical 
mus,  an  Irish  emigrant  the  wrong  way  out,  sitting  on  your  crooked 

190 


sixpenny  stile,  an  unfrillfrocked  quackfriar,  you  (will  you  for 
the  laugh  of  Scheekspair  just  help  mine  with  the  epithet?)  semi- 
semitic  serendipitist,  you  (thanks,  I  think  that  describes  you) 
Europasianised  Afferyank! 

Shall  we  follow  each  others  a  steplonger,  drowner  of  daggers, 
whiles  our  liege,  tilyet  a  stranger  in  the  frontyard  of  his  happi- 
ness, is  taking,  (heal  helper!  one  gob,  one  gap,  one  gulp  and 
gorger  of  all !)  his  refreshment? 

There  grew  up  beside  you,  amid  our  orisons  of  the  speediest 
in  Novena  Lodge,  Novara  Avenue,  in  Patripodium-am-Bummel, 
oaf,  outofwork,  one  remove  from  an  unwashed  savage,  on  his 
keeping  and  in  yours,  (I  pose  you  know  why  possum  hides  is 
cause  he  haint  the  nogumtreeumption)  that  other,  Immaculatus, 
from  head  to  foot,  sir,  that  pure  one,  Altrues  of  other  times, 
he  who  was  well  known  to  celestine  circles  before  he  sped 
aloft,  our  handsome  young  spiritual  physician  that  was  to  be, 
seducing  every  sense  to  selfwilling  celebesty,  the  most  winning 
counterfeuille  on  our  incomeshare  lotetree,  a  chum  of  the 
angelets,  a  youth  those  reporters  so  pettitily  wanted  as  game- 
fellow  that  they  asked  his  mother  for  ittle  earps  brupper  to 
let  him  tome  to  Tindertarten,  pease,  and  bing  his  scooter 
'long  and  'tend  they  were  all  real  brothers  in  the  big  justright 
home  where  Dodd  lives,  just  to  teddyfy  the  life  out  of  him 
and  pat  and  pass  him  one  with  other  like  musk  from  hand  to 
hand,  that  mothersmothered  model,  that  goodlooker  with  not 
a  flaw  whose  spiritual  toilettes  were  the  talk  of  half  the  town,  for 
sunset  wear  and  nightfallen  use  and  daybroken  donning  and 
nooncheon  showing  and  the  very  thing  for  teasetime,  but  him 
you  laid  low  with  one  hand  one  fine  May  morning  in  the  Meddle 
of  your  Might,  your  bosom  foe,  because  he  mussed  your  speller 
on  you  or  because  he  cut  a  pretty  figure  in  the  focus  of  your 
frontispecs  (not  one  did  you  slay,  no,  but  a  continent!)  to  find 
out  how  his  innards  worked ! 

Ever  read  of  that  greatgrand  landfather  of  our  visionbuilders, 
Baaboo,  the  bourgeoismeister,  who  thought  to  touch  both  him- 
mels  at  the  punt  of  his  risen  stiffstaff  and  how  wishywashy  sank 

191 


the  waters  of  his  thought?  Ever  thought  of  that  hereticalist  Marcon 
and  the  two  scissymaidies  and  how  bulkily  he  shat  the  Ructions 
gunorrhal?  Ever  hear  of  that  foxy,  that  lupo  and  that  monkax 
and  the  virgin  heir  of  the  Morrisons,  eh,  blethering  ape? 

Malingerer  in  luxury,  collector  general,  what  has  Your  Low- 
ness  done  in  the  mealtime  with  all  the  hamilkcars  of  cooked 
vegetables,  the  hatfuls  of  stewed  fruit,  the  suitcases  of  coddled 
ales,  the  Parish  funds,  me  schamer,  man,  that  you  kittycoaxed  so 
flexibly  out  of  charitable  butteries  by  yowling  heavy  with  a 
hollow  voice  drop  of  your  horrible  awful  poverty  of  mind  so  as 
you  couldn't  even  pledge  a  crown  of  Thome's  to  pawn  a  coat 
off  Trevi's  and  as  how  you  was  bad  no  end,  so  you  was,  so  whelp 
you  Sinner  Pitre  and  Sinner  Poule,  with  the  chicken's  gape  and 
pas  mal  de  siecle,  which,  by  the  by,  Reynaldo,  is  the  ordinary 
emetic  French  for  grenadier's  drip.  To  let  you  have  your  plank 
and  your  bonewash  (O  the  hastroubles  you  lost!),  to  give  you 
your  pound  of  platinum  and  a  thousand  thongs  a  year  (O,  you 
were  excruciated,  in  honour  bound  to  the  cross  of  your  own 
cruelfiction !)  to  let  you  have  your  Sarday  spree  and  holinight  sleep 
(fame  would  come  to  you  twixt  a  sleep  and  a  wake)  and  leave  to 
lie  till  Paraskivee  and  the  cockcock  crows  for  Danmark.  (O 
Jonathan,  your  estomach!)  The  simian  has  no  sentiment  secre- 
tions but  weep  cataracts  for  all  me.  Pain  the  Shamman!  Oft  in 
the  smelly  night  will  they  wallow  for  a  clutch  of  the  famished 
hand,  I  say,  them  bearded  jezabelles  you  hired  to  rob  you,  while 
on  your  sodden  straw  impolitely  you  encored  (Airish  and  naw- 
boggaleesh!)  those  hornmade  ivory  dreams  you  reved  of  the 
Ruth  you  called  your  companionate,  a  beauty  from  the  bible,  of 
the  flushpots  of  Euston  and  the  hanging  garments  of  Maryle- 
bone.  But  the  dormer  moonshee  smiled  selene  and  the  light- 
throwers  knickered:  who's  whinging  we?  Comport  yourself, 
you  inconsistency!  Where  is  that  little  alimony  nestegg  against 
our  predictable  rainy  day?  Is  it  not  the  fact  (gainsay  me,  cake- 
eater!)  that,  while  whistlewhirling  your  crazy  elegies  around 
Templetombmount  joyntstone,  (let  him  pass,  pleasegood- 
jesusalem,  in  a  bundle  of  straw,  he  was  balbettised  after  hay- 

192 


1 


making)  you  squandered  among  underlings  the  overload  of 
your  extravagance  and  made  a  Hottentot  of  dulpeners  crawsick 
with  your  crumbs?  Am  I  not  right?  Yes?  Yes?  Yes?  Holy  wax 
and  holifer!  Don't  tell  me,  Leon  of  the  fold,  that  you  are  not  a 
loanshark!  Look  up,  old  sooty,  be  advised  by  mux  and  take  your 
medicine.  The  Good  Doctor  mulled  it.  Mix  it  twice  before  re- 
pastures  and  powder  three  times  a  day.  It  does  marvels  for  your 
gripins  and  it's  fine  for  the  solitary  worm. 

Let  me  finish!  Just  a  little  judas  tonic,  my  ghem  of  all  jokes,  to 
make  you  go  green  in  the  gazer.  Do  you  hear  what  I'm  seeing, 
hammet?  And  remember  that  golden  silence  gives  consent,  Mr 
Anklegazer!  Cease  to  be  civil,  learn  to  say  nay!  Whisht!  Come 
here,  Herr  Studiosus,  till  I  tell  you  a  wig  in  your  ear.  We'll  do  a 
whisper  drive,  for  if  the  barishnyas  got  a  twitter  of  it  they'd  tell 
the  housetops  and  then  all  Cadbury  would  go  crackers.  Look! 
Do  you  see  your  dial  in  the  rockingglass?  Look  well !  Bend  down 
a  stigmy  till  I!  It's  secret!  Iggri,  I  say,  the  booseleers!  I  had  it 
from  Lamppost  Shawe.  And  he  had  it  from  the  Mullah.  And  Mull 
took  it  from  a  Bluecoat  schooler.  And  Gay  Socks  jot  it  from 
Potapheu's  wife.  And  RantipoU  tipped  the  wink  from  old  Mrs 
Tinbullet.  And  as  for  she  was  confussed  by  pro-Brother  Thaco- 
licus.  And  the  good  brother  feels  he  would  need  to  defecate 
you.  And  the  Flimsy  Follettes  are  simply  beside  each  other. 
And  Kelly,  Kenny  and  Keogh  are  up  up  and  in  arms.  That  a 
cross  may  crush  me  if  I  refuse  to  believe  in  it.  That  I  may  rock 
anchor  through  the  ages  if  I  hope  it's  not  true.  That  the  host 
may  choke  me  if  I  beneighbour  you  without  my  charity!  Sh! 
Shem,  you  are.  Sh!  You  are  mad! 

He  points  the  deathbone  and  the  quick  are  still.  Insomnia^ 
somnia  somniorum,  Awmawm. 

MERCIUS  (of  hisself):  Domine  vopiscus!  My  fault,  his  fault, 
a  kingship  through  a  fault!  Pariah,  cannibal  Cain,  I  who  oathily 
forswore  the  womb  that  bore  you  and  the  paps  I  sometimes 
sucked,  you  who  ever  since  have  been  one  black  mass  of  jigs  and 
jimjams,  haunted  by  a  convulsionary  sense  of  not  having  been 
or  being  all  that  I  might  have  been  or  you  meant  to  becoming, 

193 


bewailing  like  a  man  that  innocence  which  I  could  not  defend 
like  a  woman,  lo,  you  there,  Cathmon-Carbery,  and  thank  Movies 
from  the  innermost  depths  of  my  still  attrite  heart,  Wherein 
the  days  of  youyouth  are  evermixed  mimine,  now  ere  the  comp- 
line hour  of  being  alone  athands  itself  and  a  puff  or  so  before 
we  yield  our  spiritus  to  the  wind,  for  (though  that  royal  one 
has  not  yet  drunk  a  gouttelette  from  his  consummation  and  the 
flowerpot  on  the  pole,  the  spaniel  pack  and  their  quarry,  retainers 
and  the  public  house  proprietor  have  not  budged  a  millimetre 
and  all  that  has  been  done  has  yet  to  be  done  and  done  again, 
when's  day's  woe,  and  lo,  you're  doomed,  joy  day  dawns  and, 
la,  you  dominate)  it  is  to  you,  firstborn  and  firstfruit  of  woe,  to 
me,  branded  sheep,  pick  of  the  wasterpaperbaskel,  by  the 
tremours  of  Thundery  and  Ulerin's  dogstar,  you  alone,  wind- 
blasted  tree  of  the  knowledge  of  beautiful  andevil,  ay,  clothed 
upon  with  the  metuor  and  shimmering  like  the  horescens,  astro- 
glodynamonologos,  the  child  of  Nilfit's  father,  blzb,  to  me 
unseen  blusher  in  an  obscene  coalhole,  the  cubilibum  of  your 
secret  sigh,  dweller  in  the  downandoutermost  where  voice  only 
of  the  dead  may  come,  because  ye  left  from  me,  because  ye 
laughed  on  me,  because,  O  me  lonly  son,  ye  are  forgetting  me!, 
that  our  turfbrown  mummy  is  acoming,  alpilla,  beltilla,  ciltilla, 
deltilla,  running  with  her  tidings,  old  the  news  of  the  great  big 
world,  sonnies  had  a  scrap,  woewoewoe!  bab's  baby  walks  at 
seven  months,  waywayway!  bride  leaves  her  raid  at  Punchestime, 
stud  stoned  before  a  racecourseful,  two  belles  that  make  the 
one  appeal,  dry  yanks  will  visit  old  sod,  and  fourtiered  skirts 
are  up,  mesdames,  while  Parimiknie  wears  popular  short  legs, 
and  twelve  hows  to  mix  a  tipsy  wake,  did  ye  hear,  colt  Cooney? 
did  ye  ever,  filly  Fortescue?  with  a  beck,  with  a  spring,  all  her 
riilringlets  shaking,  rocks  drops  in  her  tachie,  tramtokens  in 
her  hair,  all  waived  to  a  point  and  then  all  inuendation,  little 
oldfashioned  mummy,  little  wonderful  mummy,  ducking  under 
bridges,  bellhopping  the  weirs,  dodging  by  a  bit  of  bog,  rapid- 
shooting  round  the  bends,  by  Tallaght's  green  hills  and  the 
pools  of  the  phooka  and  a  place  they  call  it  Blessington  and 

194 


I 


slipping  sly  by  Sallynoggin,  as  happy  as  the  day  is  wet,  bab- 
bling, bubbling,  chattering  to  herself,  deloothering  the  fields  on 
their  elbows  leaning  with  the  sloothering  slide  of  her,  giddy- 
gaddy,  grannyma,  gossipaceous  Anna  Livia. 

He  lifts  the  lifewand  and  the  dumb  speak. 

—  Quoiquoiquoiquoiquoiquoiquoiq! 


195 


o 

tell  me  all  about 
Anna  Li  via!  I  want  to  hear  all 
about  Anna  Livia.  Well,  you  know  Anna  Livia?  Yes,  of  course, 
we  all  know  Anna  Livia.  Tell  me  all.  Tell  me  now.  You'll  die 
when  you  hear.  Well,  you  know,  when  the  old  cheb  went  futt 
and  did  what  you  know.  Yes,  I  know,  go  on.  Wash  quit  and 
don't  be  dabbling.  Tuck  up  your  sleeves  and  loosen  your  talk- 
tapes.  And  don't  butt  me  —  hike!  —  when  you  bend.  Or  what- 
ever it  was  they  threed  to  make  out  he  thried  to  two  in  the 
Fiendish  park.  He's  an  awful  old  reppe.  Look  at  the  shirt  of  him ! 
Look  at  the  dirt  of  it!  He  has  all  my  water  black  on  me.  And  it 
steeping  and  stuping  since  this  time  last  wik.  How  many  goes 
is  it  I  wonder  I  washed  it.'^  I  know  by  heart  the  places  he  likes  to 
saale,  duddurty  devil!  Scorching  my  hand  and  starving  my  fa- 
mine to  make  his  private  linen  public.  Wallop  it  well  with  your 
battle  and  clean  it.  My  wrists  are  wrusty  rubbing  the  mouldaw 
stains.  And  the  dneepers  of  wet  and  the  gangres  of  sin  in  it!  What 
was  it  he  did  a  tail  at  all  on  Animal  Sendai.'^  And  how  long  was 
he  under  loch  and  neagh.'^  It  was  put  in  the  newses  what  he  did, 
nicies  and  priers,  the  King  fierceas  Humphrey,  with  illysus  dis- 
tilling, exploits  and  all.  But  toms  will  till.  I  know  he  well.  Temp 
untamed  will  hist  for  no  man.  As  you  spring  so  shall  you  neap. 
O,  the  roughty  old  rappe!  Minxing  marrage  and  making  loof. 

196 


Reeve  Gootch  was  right  and  Reeve  Drughad  was  sinistrous !  And 
the  cut  of  him!  And  the  strut  of  him!  How  he  used  to  hold  his 
head  as  high  as  a  howeth,  the  famous  eld  duke  alien,  with  a  hump 
of  grandeur  on  him  like  a  walking  wiesel  rat.  And  his  derry's 
own  drawl  and  his  corksown  blather  and  his  doubling  stutter 
and  his  gullaway  swank.  Ask  Lictor  Hackett  or  Lector  Reade 
of  Garda  Growley  or  the  Boy  with  the  Billyclub.  How  elster  is 
he  a  called  at  all?  Qu'appelle.^  Huges  Caput  Earlyfouler.  Or 
where  was  he  born  or  how  was  he  found.^  Urgothland,  Tvistown 
on  the  Kattekat?  New  Hunshire,  Concord  on  the  Merrimake? 
Who  blocksmitt  her  saft  anvil  or  yelled  lep  to  her  pail.'^  Was  her 
banns  never  loosened  in  Adam  and  Eve's  or  were  him  and  her 
but  captain  spliced.^  For  mine  ether  duck  I  thee  drake.  And  by 
my  wildgaze  I  thee  gander.  Flowey  and  Mount  on  the  brink  of 
time  makes  wishes  and  fears  for  a  happy  isthmass.  She  can  show 
all  her  lines,  with  love,  license  to  play.  And  if  they  don't  remarry 
that  hook  and  eye  may!  O,  passmore  that  and  oxus  another!  Don 
Dom  Dombdomb  and  his  wee  follyo!  Was  his  help  inshored  in 
the  Stork  and  Pelican  against  bungelars,  flu  and  third  risk  par- 
ties.'^ I  heard  he  dug  good  tin  with  his  doll^  delvan  first  and  duvlin 
after^  when  he  raped  her  home,  Sabrine  asthore,  in  a  parakeet's 
cage,  by  dredgerous  lands  and  devious  delts,  playing  catched  and 
mythed  with  the  gleam  of  her  shadda,  (if  a  flic  had  been  there  to 
pop  up  and  pepper  him!)  past  auld  min's  manse  and  Maisons 
Allfou  and  the  rest  of  incurables  and  the  last  of  immurables,  the 
quaggy  waag  for  stumbling.  Who  sold  you  that  jackalantern's 
tale.^  Pemmican's  pasty  pie!  Not  a  grasshoop  to  ring  her,  not  an 
antsgrain  of  ore.  In  a  gabbard  he  barqued  it,  the  boat  of  life, 
from  the  harbourless  Ivernikan  Okean,  till  he  spied  the  loom  of 
his  landfall  and  he  loosed  two  croakers  from  under  his  tilt,  the 
gran  Phenician  rover.  By  the  smell  of  her  kelp  they  made  the 
pigeonhouse.  Like  fun  they  did!  But  where  was  Himself,  the 
timoneer.'^  That  marchantman  he  suivied  their  scutties  right  over 
the  wash,  his  cameleer's  burnous  breezing  up  on  him,  till  with 
his  runagate  bowmpriss  he  roade  and  borst  her  bar.  Pilcomayo! 
Suchcaughtawan !  And  the  whale's  away  with  the  grayling!  Tune 

197 


your  pipes  and  fall  ahumming,  you  born  ijypt,  and  you're  no- 
thing short  of  one!  Well,  ptellomey  soon  and  curb  your  escumo. 
When  they  saw  him  shoot  swift  up  her  sheba  sheath,  like  any 
gay  lord  Salomon,  her  bulls  they  were  ruhring,  surfed  with 
spree.  Boyarka  buah!  Boyana  bueh!  He  erned  his  lille  Bunbath 
hard,  our  staly  bred,  the  trader.  He  did.  Look  at  here.  In  this  wet 
of  his  prow.  Don't  you  know  he  was  kaldt  a  bairn  of  the  brine, 
Wasserbourne  the  waterbaby?  Havemmarea,  so  he  was!  H.C.E. 
has  a  codfisck  ee.  Shyr  she's  nearly  as  badher  as  him  herself. 
Who?  Anna  Li  via.''  Ay,  Anna  Li  via.  Do  you  know  she  was  call- 
ing bakvandets  sals  from  all  around,  nyumba  noo,  chamba  choo, 
to  go  in  till  him,  her  erring  cheef,  and  tickle  the  pontiff  aisy-oisy? 
She  was?  Gota  pot!  Yssel  that  the  limmat?  As  El  Negro  winced 
when  he  wonced  in  La  Plate.  O,  tell  me  all  I  want  to  hear,  how 
loft  she  was  lift  a  laddery  dextro !  A  coney  wink  after  the  bunting 
fell.  Letting  on  she  didn't  care,  sina  feza,  me  absantee,  him  man 
in  passession,  the  proxenete!  Proxenete  and  phwhat  is  phthat? 
Emme  for  your  reussischer  Honddu  jarkon!  Tell  us  in  franca 
langua.  And  call  a  spate  a  spate.  Did  they  never  sharee  you  ebro 
at  skol,  you  antiabecedarian?  It's  just  the  same  as  if  I  was  to  go 
par  examplum  now  in  conservancy's  cause  out  of  telekinesis  and 
proxenete  you.  For  coxyt  sake  and  is  that  what  she  is?  Botlettle 
I  thought  she'd  act  that  loa.  Didn't  you  spot  her  in  her  windaug, 
wubbling  up  on  an  osiery  chair,  with  a  meusic  before  her  all 
cunniform  letters,  pretending  to  ribble  a  reedy  derg  on  a  fiddle 
she  bogans  without  a  band  on?  Sure  she  can't  fiddan  a  dee,  with 
bow  or  abandon!  Sure,  she  can't!  Tista  suck.  Well,  I  never  now 
heard  the  like  of  that !  Tell  me  moher.  Tell  me  moatst.  Well,  old 
Humber  was  as  glommen  as  grampus,  with  the  tares  at  his  thor 
and  the  buboes  for  ages  and  neither  bowman  nor  shot  abroad  and 
bales  allbrant  on  the  crests  of  rockies  and  nera  lamp  in  kitchen  or 
church  and  giant's  holes  in  Grafton's  causeway  and  deathcap 
mushrooms  round  Funglus  grave  and  the  great  tribune's  barrow 
all  darnels  occumule,  sittang  sambre  on  his  sett,  drammen  and 
drommen,  usking  queasy  quizzers  of  his  ruful  continence,  his 
childlinen  scarf  to  encourage  his  obsequies  where  he'd  check  their 

198 


debths  in  that  mormon's  thames,  be  questing  and  handsetl,  hop, 
step  and  a  deepend,  with  his  berths  in  their  toiling  moil,  his  swal- 
lower  open  from  swolf  to  fore  and  the  snipes  of  the  gutter  pecking 
his  crocs,  hungerstriking  all  alone  and  holding  doomsdag  over 
hunselv,  dreeing  his  weird,  with  his  dander  up,  and  his  fringe 
combed  over  his  eygs  and  droming  on  loft  till  the  sight  of  the 
sternes,  after  zwarthy  kowse  and  weedy  broeks  and  the  tits  of 
buddy  and  the  loits  of  pest  and  to  peer  was  Parish  worth  thette 
mess.  You'd  think  all  was  dodo  belonging  to  him  how  he  durmed 
adranse  in  durance  vaal.  He  had  been  belching  for  Severn  years. 
And  there  she  was,  Anna  Livia,  she  darent  catch  a  winkle  of 
sleep,  purling  around  like  a  chit  of  a  child,  Wendawanda,  a  finger- 
thick,  in  a  Lapsummer  skirt  and  damazon  cheeks,  for  to  ishim 
bonzour  to  her  dear  dubber  Dan.  With  neuphraties  and  sault 
from  his  maggias.  And  an  odd  time  she'd  cook  him  up  blooms 
of  fisk  and  lay  to  his  heartsfoot  her  meddery  eygs,  yayis,  and 
staynish  beacons  on  toasc  and  a  cupenhave  so  weeshywashy  of 
Greenland's  tay  or  a  dzoupgan  of  Kaffue  mokau  an  sable  or 
Sikiang  sukry  or  his  ale  of  ferns  in  trueart  pewter  and  a  shin- 
kobread  (hamjambo,  bana.'^)  for  to  plaise  that  man  hog  stay  his 
stomicker  till  her  pyrraknees  shrunk  to  nutmeg  graters  while  her 
togglejoints  shuck  with  goyt  and  as  rash  as  she'd  russ  with  her 
peakload  of  vivers  up  on  her  sieve  (metauwero  rage  it  swales  and 
rieses)  my  hardey  Hek  he'd  kast  them  frome  him,  with  a  stour 
of  scorn,  as  much  as  to  say  you  sow  and  you  sozh,  and  if  he  didn't 
peg  the  platteau  on  her  tawe,  believe  you  me,  she  was  safe 
enough.  And  then  she'd  esk  to  vistule  a  hymn.  The  Heart  Bowed 
Down  or  The  Rakes  of  Mallow  or  Chelli  Michele's  La  Calumnia  e 
un  Vermicelli  or  a  balfy  bit  ov  old  Jo  Robidson,  Sucho  fuffing  a 
fifeing  'twould  cut  you  in  two!  She'd  bate  the  hen  that  crowed 
on  the  turrace  of  Babbel.  What  harm  if  she  knew  how  to  cockle 
her  mouth !  And  not  a  mag  out  of  Hum  no  more  than  out  of  the 
mangle  weight.  Is  that  a  faith.^  That's  the  fact.  Then  riding  the 
ricka  and  roya  romanche^  Annona,  gebroren  aroostokrat  Nivia, 
dochter  of  Sense  and  Art,  with  Sparks'  pirryphlickathims  funkl- 
ing  her  fan,  anner  frostivying  tresses  dasht  with  virevlies, — 

199 


while  the  prom  beauties  sreeked  nith  their  bearers'  skins !  —  in 
a  period  gown  of  changeable  jade  that  would  robe  the  wood  of 
two  cardinals*  chairs  and  crush  poor  Cullen  and  smother  Mac- 
Cabe.  O  blazerskate!  Theirs  porpor  patches!  And  brahming  to 
him  down  the  feedchute,  with  her  femtyfyx  kinds  of  fondling 
endings,  the  poother  rambling  off  her  nose:  Vuggyharney^ 
Wickerymandy!  Hello^  ducky ^  please  dont  die!  Do  you  know 
what  she  started  cheeping  after,  with  a  choicey  voicey  like  water- 
glucks  or  Madame  Delba  to  Romeoreszk?  You'll  never  guess. 
Tell  me.  Tell  me.  Phoebe^  dearest^  tell^  0  tell  me  and  /  loved  you 
better  nor  you  knew.  And  letting  on  boon  var  daft  about  the  warbly 
sangs  from  over  holmen:  High  hellskirt  saw  ladies  hensmoker  lily- 
hung  pigger:  and  soay  and  soan  and  so  firth  and  so  forth  in  a  tone 
sonora  and  Oom  Bothar  below  like  Bheri-Bheri  in  his  sandy 
cloak,  so  umvolosy,  as  deaf  as  a  yawn,  the  stult!  Go  away!  Poor 
deef  old  deary!  Yare  only  teasing!  Anna  Liv.'^  As  chalk  is  my 
judge!  And  didn't  she  up  in  sorgues  and  go  and  trot  doon  and 
stand  in  her  douro,  puffing  her  old  dudheen,  and  every  shirvant 
siligirl  or  wensum  farmerette  walking  the  pilend  roads,  Sawy, 
Fundally,  Daery  or  Maery,  Milucre,  Awny  or  Graw,  usedn't  she 
make  her  a  simp  or  sign  to  slip  inside  by  the  sullyport.'^  You  don't 
say,  the  sillypost?  Bedouix  but  I  do !  Calling  them  in,  one  by  one 
(To  Blockbeddum  here!  Here  the  Shoebenacaddie !)  and  legging 
a  jig  or  so  on  the  sihl  to  show  them  how  to  shake  their  benders 
and  the  dainty  how  to  bring  to  mind  the  gladdest  garments  out 
of  sight  and  all  the  way  of  a  maid  with  a  man  and  making  a  sort 
of  a  cackling  noise  like  two  and  a  penny  or  half  a  crown  and  hold- 
ing up  a  silliver  shiner.  Lordy,  lordy,  did  she  so?  Well,  of  all  the 
ones  ever  I  heard!  Throwing  all  the  neiss  little  whores  in  the 
world  at  him!  To  inny  captured  wench  you  wish  of  no  matter 
what  sex  of  pleissful  ways  two  adda  tammar  a  lizzy  a  lossie  to 
hug  and  hab  haven  in  Humpy's  apron ! 

And  what  was  the  wyerye  rima  she  made!  Odet!  Odet!  Tell 
me  the  trent  of  it  while  I'm  lathering  hail  out  of  Denis  Florence 
MacCarthy's  combies.  Rise  it,  flut  ye,  pian  piena!  I'm  dying 
down  off  my  iodine  feet  until  I  lerryn  Anna  Livia's  cushingloo, 

200 


that  was  writ  by  one  and  rede  by  two  and  trouved  by  a  poule  in 
the  parco!  I  can  see  that,  I  see  you  are.  How  does  it  tummel? 
Listen  now.  Are  you  listening?  Yes,  yes !  Idneed  I  am !  Tarn  your 
ore  ouse !  Essonne  inne ! 

By  earth  and  the  cloudy  hut  I  badly  want  a  brandnew  bankside^ 
bedamp  and  I  do^  and  a  plumper  at  that! 

For  the  putty  affair  I  have  is  wore  out^  so  it  isy  sittings  y aping  and 
waiting  for  my  old  Dane  hodder  dodderer^  my  life  in  death  companion^ 
my  frugal  key  of  our  larder,  my  much-altered  cameVs  hump,  my 
jointspoiler ,  my  maymoons  honey,  my  fool  to  the  last  Decemberer, 
to  wake  himself  out  of  his  winter's  do^e  and  bore  me  down  like  he 
used  to. 

Is  there  irwell  a  lord  of  the  manor  or  a  knight  of  the  shire  at  strike^ 
I  wonder,  that'd  dip  me  a  dace  or  two  in  cash  for  washing  and 
darning  his  worshipful  socks  for  him  now  we're  run  out  of  horse- 
brose  and  milk? 

Only  for  my  short  Brittas  bed  mades  as  snug  as  it  smells  it  s 
out  Vd  lep  and  off  with  me  to  the  slobs  della  Tolka  or  the  plage  au 
Clontarf  to  feale  the  gay  aire  of  my  salt  troublin  bay  and  the  race 
of  the  saywint  up  me  ambushure. 

Onon!  Onon!  tell  me  more.  Tell  me  every  tiny  teign.  I  want 
to  know  every  single  ingul.  Down  to  what  made  the  potters  fly 
into  jagsthole.  And  why  were  the  vesles  vet.  That  homa  fever's 
winning  me  wome.  If  a  mahun  of  the  horse  but  hard  me !  We'd 
be  bundukiboi  meet  askarigal.  Well,  now  comes  the  hazel- 
hatchery  part.  After  Clondalkin  the  Kings's  Inns.  We'll  soon  be 
there  with  the  freshet.  How  many  aleveens  had  she  in  tool.'^  I  can't 
rightly  rede  you  that.  Close  only  knows.  Some  say  she  had  three 
figures  to  fill  and  confined  herself  to  a  hundred  eleven,  wan  by- 
wan  by  wan,  making  meanacuminamoyas.  Olaph  lamm  et,  all  that 
pack.'^  We  won't  have  room  in  the  kirkeyaard.  She  can't  remember 
half  of  the  cradlenames  she  smacked  on  them  by  the  grace  of  her 
boxing  bishop's  infallible  slipper,  the  cane  for  Kund  and  abbles  for 
Eyolf  and  ayther  nayther  for  Yakov  Yea.  A  hundred  and  how? 
They  did  well  to  rechristien  her  Pluhurabelle.  O  loreley!  What  a 
loddon  lodes!  Heigh  ho!  But  it's  quite  on  the  cards  she'll  shed 

20I 


more  and  merrier,  twills  and  trills,  sparefours  and  spoilfives,  nord- 
sihkes  and  sudsevers  and  ayes  and  neins  to  a  litter.  Grandfarthring 
nap  and  Messamisery  and  the  knave  of  all  knaves  and  the  joker. 
Heehaw!  She  must  have  been  a  gadabount  in  her  day,  so  she 
must,  more  than  most.  Shoal  she  was,  gidgad.  She  had  a  flewmen 
of  her  owen.  Then  a  toss  nare  scared  that  lass,  so  aimai  moe, 
that's  agapo!  Tell  me,  tell  me,  how  cam  she  camlin  through  all 
her  fellows,  the  neckar  she  was,  the  diveline.'^  Casting  her  perils 
before  our  swains  from  Fonte-in-Monte  to  Tidingtown  and 
from  Tidingtown  tilhavet.  Linking  one  and  knocking  the  next, 
tap  ting  a  flank  and  tipting  a  jutty  and  palling  in  and  pietaring 
out  and  clyding  by  on  her  eastway.  Waiwhou  was  the  first  thur- 
ever  burst.'*  Someone  he  was,  whuebra  they  were,  in  a  tactic  attack 
or  in  single  combat.  Tinker,  tilar,  souldrer,  salor.  Pieman  Peace 
or  Polistaman.  That's  the  thing  Pm  elwys  on  edge  to  esk.  Push 
up  and  push  vardar  and  come  to  uphill  headquarters!  Was  it 
waterlows  year,  after  Grattan  or  Flood,  or  when  maids  were  in 
Arc  or  when  three  stood  hosting.'^  Fidaris  will  find  where  the 
Doubt  arises  like  Nieman  from  Nirgends  found  the  Nihil.  Worry 
you  sighin  fob,  Albern,  O  Anser.'*  Untie  the  gemman's  fistiknots, 
Qvic  and  Nuancee!  She  can't  put  her  hand  on  him  for  the  mo- 
ment. Tez  thelon  langlo,  walking  weary!  Such  a  loon  waybash- 
wards  to  row!  She  sid  herself  she  hardly  knows  whuon  the  annals 
her  graveller  was,  a  dynast  of  Leinster,  a  wolf  of  the  sea,  or  what 
he  did  or  how  blyth  she  played  or  how,  when,  why,  where  and 
who  offon  he  jumpnad  her  and  how  it  was  gave  her  away.  She 
was  just  a  young  thin  pale  soft  shy  slim  slip  of  a  thing  then, 
sauntering,  by  silvamoonlake  and  he  was  a  heavy  trudging 
lurching  lieabroad  of  a  Curraghman,  making  his  hay  for  whose 
sun  to  shine  on,  as  tough  as  the  oaktrees  (peats  be  with  them!) 
used  to  rustle  that  time  down  by  the  dykes  of  killing  Kildare, 
for  forstfellfoss  with  a  plash  across  her.  She  thought  she's  sankh 
neathe  the  ground  with  nymphant  shame  when  he  gave  her  the 
tigris  eye !  O  happy  fault !  Me  wish  it  was  he !  You're  wrong  there, 
corribly  wrong!  Tisn't  only  tonight  you're  anacheronistic !  It 
was  ages  behind  that  when  nullahs  were  nowhere,  in  county 

202 


Wickenlow,  garden  of  Erin,  before  she  ever  dreamt  she'd  lave 
Kilbride  and  go  foaming  under  Horsepass  bridge,  with  the  great 
southerwestern  windstorming  her  traces  and  the  midland's  grain- 
waster  asarch  for  her  track,  to  wend  her  ways  byandby,  robecca 
or  worse,  to  spin  and  to  grind,  to  sv/ab  and  to  thrash,  for  all  her 
golden  lifey  in  the  barleyfields  and  pennylotts  of  Humphrey's 
fordofhurdlestown  and  lie  with  a  landleaper,  wellingtonorseher. 
Alesse,  the  lagos  of  girly  days!  For  the  dove  of  the  dunas!  Was- 
ut?  Izod?  Are  you  sarthin  suir?  Not  where  the  Finn  fits  into  the 
Mourne,  not  where  the  Nore  takes  lieve  of  Blcem,  not  where  the 
Braye  divarts  the  Farer,  not  where  the  Moy  changez  her  minds 
twixt  CuUin  and  Conn  tween  Cunn  and  Collin?  Or  where  Neptune 
sculled  and  Tritonville  rowed  and  leandros  three  bumped  heroines 
two?  Neya,  narev,  nen,  nonni,  nos!  Then  whereabouts  in  Ow  and 
Ovoca?  Was  it  yst  with  wyst  or  Lucan  Yokan  or  where  the  hand 
of  man  has  never  set  foot?  Dell  me  where,  the  fairy  ferse  time!  I 
will  if  you  listen.  You  know  the  dinkel  dale  of  Luggelaw?  Well, 
there  once  dwelt  a  local  heremite,  Michael  Arklow  was  his  river- 
end  name,  (with  many  a  sigh  I  aspersed  his  lavabibs!)  and  one 
venersderg  in  junojuly,  oso  sweet  and  so  cool  and  so  limber  she 
looked,  Nance  the  Nixie,  Nanon  L'Escaut,  in  the  silence,  of  the  sy- 
comores,  all  listening,  the  kindling  curves  you  simply  can't  stop 
feeling,  he  plunged  both  of  his  newly  anointed  hands,  the  core  of 
his  cushlas,  in  her  singimari  saffron  strumans  of  hair,  parting  them 
and  soothing  her  and  mingling  it,  that  was  deepdark  and  ample 
like  this  red  bog  at  sundown.  By  that  Vale  Vowclose's  lucydlac, 
the  reignbeau's  heavenarches  arronged  orranged  her.  Afroth- 
dizzying  galbs,  her  enamelled  eyes  indergoading  him  on  to  the 
vierge  violetian.  Wish  a  wish !  Why  a  why?  Mavro !  Letty  Lerck's 
lafing  light  throw  those  laurals  now  on  her  daphdaph  teasesong 
petrock.  Maass!  But  the  majik  wavus  has  elfun  anon  meshes. 
And  Simba  the  Slayer  of  his  Oga  is  slewd.  He  cuddle  not  help 
himself,  thurso  that  hot  on  him,  he  had  to  forget  the  monk  in 
the  man  so,  rubbing  her  up  and  smoothing  her  down,  he  baised 
his  lippes  in  smiling  mood,  kiss  akiss  after  kisokushk  (as  he 
warned  her  niver  to,  niver  to,  nevar)  on  Anna-na-Poghue's  of 

203 


the  freckled  forehead.  While  you'd  parse  secheressa  she  hielt  her 
souff*.  But  she  ruz  two  feet  hire  in  her  aisne  aestumation.  And 
steppes  on  stilts  ever  since.  That  was  kissuahealing  with  bantur 
for  balm!  O,  wasn't  he  the  bold  priest?  And  wasn't  she  the 
naughty  Livvy?  Nautic  Naama's  now  her  navn.  Two  lads  in 
scoutsch  breeches  went  through  her  before  that,  Barefoot  Bum 
and  Wallowme  Wade,  Lugnaquillia's  noblesse  pickts,  before  she 
had  a  hint  of  a  hair  at  her  fanny  to  hide  or  a  bossom  to  tempt  a 
birch  canoedler  not  to  mention  a  bulgic  porterhouse  barge.  And 
ere  that  again,  leada,  laida,  all  unraidy,  too  faint  to  buoy  the 
fairiest  rider,  too  frail  to  flirt  with  a  cygnet's  plume,  she  was  licked 
by  a  hound,  Chirripa-Chirruta,  while  poing  her  pee,  pure  and 
simple,  on  the  spur  of  the  hill  in  old  Kippure,  in  birdsong  and 
shearingtime,  but  first  of  all,  worst  of  all,  the  wiggly  livvly,  she 
sideslipped  out  by  a  gap  in  the  Devil's  glen  while  Sally  her  nurse 
was  sound  asleep  in  a  sloot  and,  feefee  fiefie,  fell  over  a  spillway 
before  she  found  her  stride  and  lay  and  wriggled  in  all  the  stag- 
nant black  pools  of  rainy  under  a  fallow  coo  and  she  laughed 
innocefree  with  her  limbs  aloft  and  a  whole  drove  of  maiden 
hawthorns  blushing  and  looking  askance  upon  her. 

Drop  me  the  sound  of  the  findhorn's  name,  Mtu  or  Mti,  som- 
bogger  was  wisness.  And  drip  me  why  in  the  flenders  was  she 
frickled.  And  trickle  me  through  was  she  marcellewaved  or  was 
it  weirdly  a  wig  she  wore.  And  whitside  did  they  droop  their 
glows  in  their  florry,  aback  to  wist  or  affront  to  sea?  In  fear  to 
hear  the  dear  so  near  or  longing  loth  and  loathing  longing?  Are 
you  in  the  swim  or  are  you  out?  O  go  in,  go  on,  go  an !  I  mean 
about  what  you  know.  I  know  right  well  what  you  mean.  Rother ! 
You'd  like  the  coifs  and  guimpes,  snouty,  and  me  to  do  the 
greasy  jub  on  old  Veronica's  wipers.  What  am  I  rancing  now 
and  I'll  thank  you?  Is  it  a  pinny  or  is  it  a  surplice?  Arran,  where's 
your  nose?  And  where's  the  starch?  That's  not  the  vesdre  bene- 
diction smell.  I  can  tell  from  here  by  their  eau  de  Colo  and  the 
scent  of  her  oder  they're  Mrs  Magrath's.  And  you  ought  to  have 
aird  them.  They've  moist  come  off  her.  Creases  in  silk  they 
are,  not  crampton  lawn.  Baptiste  me,  father,  for  she  has  sinned  I 

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Through  her  catchment  ring  she  freed  them  easy,  with  her  hips* 
hurrahs  for  her  knees'dontelleries.  The  only  parr  with  frills  in 
old  the  plain.  So  they  are,  I  declare!  Welland  well!  If  tomorrow 
keeps  fine  who'll  come  tripping  to  sightsee?  How'll?  Ask  me 
next  what  I  haven't  got!  The  Belvedarean  exhibitioners.  In  their 
cruisery  caps  and  oarsclub  colours.  What  hoo,  they  band!  And 
what  hoa,  they  buck!  And  here  is  her  nubilee  letters  too.  Ellis 
on  quay  in  scarlet  thread.  Linked  for  the  world  on  a  flush- 
caloured  field.  Annan  exe  after  to  show  they're  not  Laura  Ke- 
own's.  O,  may  the  diabolo  twisk  your  seifety  pin!  You  child  of 
Mammon,  Kinsella's  Lilith !  Now  who  has  been  tearing  the  leg 
of  her  drawars  on  her.^  Which  leg  is  it.'^  The  one  with  the  bells 
on  it.  Rinse  them  out  and  aston  along  with  you!  Where  did  I 
stop.'^  Never  stop!  Continuarration !  You're  not  there  yet.  I 
amstel  waiting.  Garonne,  garonne! 

Well,  after  it  was  put  in  the  Mericy  Cordial  Mendicants'  Sitter- 
dag-Zindeh-Munaday  Wakeschrift  (for  once  they  sullied  their 
white  kidloves,  chewing  cuds  after  their  dinners  of  cheeckin  and 
beggin,  with  their  show  us  it  here  and  their  mind  out  of  that  and 
their  when  you're  quite  finished  with  the  reading  matarial),  even 
the  snee  that  snowdon  his  hoaring  hair  had  a  skunner  against 
him.  Thaw,  thaw,  sava,  savuto!  Score  Her  Chuff  Exsquire! 
Everywhere  erriff  you  went  and  every  bung  you  arver  dropped 
into,  in  cit  or  suburb  or  in  addled  areas,  the  Rose  and  Bottle  or 
Phoenix  Tavern  or  Power's  Inn  or  Jude's  Hotel  or  wherever  you 
scoured  the  countryside  from  Nannywater  to  Vartryville  or  from 
Porta  Lateen  to  the  lootin  quarter  you  found  his  ikom  etsched 
tipside  down  or  the  cornerboys  cammocking  his  guy  and  Morris 
the  Man,  with  the  role  of  a  royss  in  his  turgos  the  turrible,  (Evro- 
peahahn  cheic  house,  unskimmed  sooit  and  yahoort,  hamman 
now  cheekmee,  Ahdahm  this  way  make,  Fatima,  half  turn!) 
reeling  and  railing  round  the  local  as  the  peihos  piped  und  uban- 
jees  twanged,  with  oddfellow's  triple  tiara  busby  rotundarinking 
round  his  scalp.  Like  Pate-by-the-Neva  or  Pete-over-Meer.  This 
is  the  Hausman  all  paven  and  stoned,  that  cribbed  the  Cabin  that 
never  was  owned  that  cocked  his  leg  and  hennad  his  Egg.  And 

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the  mauldrin  rabble  around  him  in  areopage,  fracassing  a  great 
bingkan  cagnan  with  their  timpan  crowders.  Mind  your  Grimm- 
father!  Think  of  your  Ma!  Hing  the  Hong  is  his  jove's  hang- 
nomen !  Lilt  a  bolero,  bulling  a  law !  She  swore  on  croststyx  nyne 
wyndabouts  she's  be  level  with  all  the  snags  of  them  yet.  Par  the 
Vulnerable  Virgin's  Mary  del  Dame!  So  she  said  to  herself  she'd 
frame  a  plan  to  fake  a  shine,  the  mischiefmaker,  the  like  of  it  you 
niever  heard.  What  plan.'*  Tell  me  quick  and  dongu  so  crould! 
What  the  meurther  did  she  mague?  Well,  she  bergened  a  zakbag, 
a  shammy  mailsack,  with  the  lend  of  a  loan  of  the  light  of  his 
lampion,  off  one  of  her  swapsons,  Shaun  the  Post,  and  then  she 
went  and  consulted  her  chapboucqs,  old  Mot  Moore,  Casey's 
Euclid  and  the  Fashion  Display  and  made  herself  tidal  to  join 
in  the  mascarete.  O  gig  goggle  of  gigguels.  I  can't  tell  you  how! 
It's  too  screaming  to  rizo,  rabbit  it  all !  Minneha,  minnehi  mina- 
aehe,  minneho!  O  but  you  must,  you  must  really!  Make  my  hear 
it  gurgle  gurgle,  like  the  farest  gargle  gargle  in  the  dusky  dirgle 
dargle!  By  the  holy  well  of  Mulhuddart  I  swear  I'd  pledge  my 
chanza  getting  to  heaven  through  Tirry  and  Killy's  mount  of 
impiety  to  hear  it  all,  aviary  word!  O,  leave  me  my  faculties, 
woman,  a  while !  If  you  don't  like  my  story  get  out  of  the  punt. 
Well,  have  it  your  own  way,  so.  Here,  sit  down  and  do  as  you're 
bid.  Take  my  stroke  and  bend  to  your  bow.  Forward  in  and  pull 
your  overthepoise!  Lisp  it  slaney  and  crisp  it  quiet.  Deel  me  long- 
some.  Tongue  your  time  now.  Breathe  thet  deep.  Thouat's  the 
fairway.  Hurry  slow  and  Scheldt  you  go.  Lynd  us  your  blessed 
ashes  here  till  I  scrub  the  canon's  underpants.  Flow  now.  Ower 
more.  And  pooleypooley. 

First  she  let  her  hair  fal  and  down  it  flussed  to  her  feet  its 
teviots  winding  coils.  Then,  mothernaked,  she  sampood  herself 
with  galawater  and  fraguant  pistania  mud,  wupper  and  lauar, 
from  crown  to  sole.  Next  she  greesed  the  groove  of  her  keel, 
warthes  and  wears  and  mole  and  itcher,  with  antifouling  butter- 
scatch  and  turfentide  and  serpenthyme  and  with  leafmould  she 
ushered  round  prunella  isles  and  eslats  dun,  quincecunct,  allover 
her  little  mary.  Peeld  gold  of  waxwork  her  jellybelly  and  her 

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grains  of  incense  anguille  bronze.  And  after  that  she  wove  a  gar- 
land for  her  hair.  She  pleated  it.  She  plaited.it.  Of  meadowgrass 
and  riverflags,  the  bulrush  and  waterweed,  and  of  fallen  griefs  of 
weeping  willow.  Then  she  made  her  bracelets  and  her  anklets 
and  her  armlets  and  a  jetty  amulet  for  necklace  of  clicking  cobbles 
and  pattering  pebbles  and  rumbledown  rubble,  richmond  and 
rehr,  of  Irish  rhunerhinerstones  and  shellmarble  bangles.  That 
done,  a  dawk  of  smut  to  her  airy  ey,  Annushka  Lutetiavitch 
Pufflovah,  and  the  lellipos  cream  to  her  lippeleens  and  the  pick 
of  the  paintbox  for  her  pommettes,  from  strawbirry  reds  to 
extra  violates,  and  she  sendred  her  boudeloire  maids  to  His 
Affluence,  Ciliegia  Grande  and  Kirschie  Real,  the  two  chirsines, 
with  respecks  from  his  missus,  seepy  and  sewery,  and  a  request 
might  she  passe  of  him  for  a  minnikin.  A  call  to  pay  and  light  a 
taper,  in  Brie-on-Arrosa,  back  in  a  sprizzling.  The  cock  striking 
mine,  the  stalls  bridely  sign,  there's  Zambosy  waiting  for  Me! 
She  said  she  wouldn't  be  half  her  length  away.  Then,  then,  as 
soon  as  the  lump  his  back  was  turned,  with  her  mealiebag  slang 
over  her  shulder,  Anna  Livia,  oysterface,  forth  of  her  bassein 
came. 

Describe  her!  Hustle  along,  why  can't  you.'*  Spitz  on  the  iern 
while  it's  hot.  I  wouldn't  miss  her  for  irthing  on  nerthe.  Not  for 
the  lucre  of  lomba  strait.  Oceans  of  Gaud,  I  mosel  hear  that! 
Ogowe  presta!  Leste,  before  Julia  sees  her!  Ishekarry  and  washe- 
meskad,  the  carishy  caratimaney.'^  Whole  lady  fair.'^  Duodecimo- 
roon?  Bon  a  ventura?  Malagassy.^  What  had  she  on,  the  liddel  oud 
oddity.'^  How  much  did  she  scallop,  harness  and  weights.'^  Here 
she  is,  Amnisty  Ann !  Call  her  calamity  electrifies  man. 

No  electress  at  all  but  old  Moppa  Necessity,  angin  mother  of 
injons.  I'll  tell  you  a  test.  But  you  must  sit  still  Will  you  hold 
your  peace  and  listen  well  to  what  I  am  going  to  say  now.'^  It 
might  have  been  ten  or  twenty  to  one  of  the  night  of  AUclose  or 
the  nexth  of  April  when  the  flip  of  her  hoogly  igloo  flappered  and 
out  toetippit  a  bushman  woman,  the  dearest  little  moma  ever 
you  saw,  nodding  around  her,  all  smiles,  with  ems  of  embarras 
and  aues  to  awe,  between  two  ages,  a  judy queen,  not  up  to  your 

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elb.  Quick,  look  at  her  cute  and  saise  her  quirk  for  the  bicker  she 
lives  the  slicker  she  grows.  Save  us  and  tagus !  No  more?  Werra 
where  in  ourthe  did  you  ever  pick  a  Lambay  chop  as  big  as  a 
battering  ram?  Ay,  you're  right.  Fm  epte  to  forgetting.  Like 
Liviam  Liddle  did  Loveme  Long.  The  linth  of  my  hough,  I  say ! 
She  wore  a  ploughboy's  nailstudded  clogs,  a  pair  of  ploughfields 
in  themselves:  a  sugarloaf  hat  with  a  gaudyquiviry  peak  and  a 
band  of  gorse  for  an  arnoment  and  a  hundred  streamers  dancing 
off  it  and  a  guildered  pin  to  pierce  it:  owlglassy  bicycles  boggled 
her  eyes:  and  a  fishnetzeveil  for  the  sun  not  to  spoil  the  wrinklings 
of  her  hydeaspects:  potatorings  boucled  the  loose  laubes  of  her 
laudsnarers:  her  nude  cuba  stockings  were  salmospotspeckled:  she 
sported  a  galligo  shimmy  of  hazevaipar  tinto  that  never  was  fast 
till  it  ran  in  the  washing:  stout  stays,  the  rivals,  lined  her  length: 
her  bloodorange  bockknickers,  a  two  in  one  garment,  showed 
natural  nigger  boggers,  fancyfastened,  free  to  undo:  her  black- 
stripe  tan  Joseph  was  sequansewn  and  teddybearlined,  with  wavy 
rushgreen  epaulettes  and  a  leadown  here  and  there  of  royal 
swansruff:  a  brace  of  gaspers  stuck  in  her  hay  rope  garters:  her 
civvy  codroy  coat  with  alpheubett  buttons  was  boundaried  round 
with  a  twobar  tunnel  belt:  a  fourpenny  bit  in  each  pocketside 
weighed  her  safe  from  the  blowaway  windrush;  she  had  a  clothes- 
peg  tight  astride  on  her  joki's  nose  and  she  kep  on  grinding  a 
sommething  quaint  in  her  fiumy  mouth  and  the  rrreke  of  the 
fluve  of  the  tail  of  the  gawan  of  her  snuffdrab  siouler's  skirt 
trailed  ffiffty  odd  Irish  miles  behind  her  lungarhodes. 

Hellsbells,  Fm  sorry  I  missed  her!  Sweet  gumptyum  and  no- 
body fainted !  But  in  whelk  of  her  mouths?  Was  her  naze  alight? 
Everyone  that  saw  her  said  the  dowce  little  delia  looked  a  bit 
queer.  Lotsy  trotsy,  mind  the  poddle!  Missus,  be  good  and  don't 
fol  in  the  say!  Fenny  poor  hex  she  must  have  charred.  Kickhams 
a  frumpier  ever  you  saw!  Making  mush  mullet's  eyes  at  her  boys 
dobelon.  And  they  crowned  her  their  chariton  queen,  all  the 
maids.  Of  the  may?  You  don't  say!  Well  for  her  she  couldn't 
see  herself.  I  recknitz  wharfore  the  darling  murrayed  her  mirror. 
She  did?  Mersey  me!  There  was  a  koros  of  drouthdropping  sur- 

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facemen,  boomslanging  and  plugchewing,  fruiteyeing  and  flower- 
feeding,  in  contemplation  of  the  fluctuation  and  the  undificatidn 
of  her  filimentation,  lolling  and  leasing  on  North  Lazers'  Waal 
all  eelfare  week  by  the  Jukar  Yoick's  and  as  soon  as  they  saw  her 
meander  by  that  marritime  way  in  her  grasswinter's  weeds  and 
twigged  who  was  under  her  archdeaconess  bonnet,  Avondale's 
fish  and  Clarence's  poison,  sedges  an  to  aneber,  Wit-upon- 
Crutches  to  Master  Bates:  Between  our  two  southsates  and  the 
granite  they  re  warmings  or  her  face  has  been  lifted  or  Alp  has  doped! 

But  what  was  the  game  in  her  mixed  baggyrhatty?  Just  the 
tembo  in  her  tumbo  or  pilipili  from  her  pepperpot?  Saas  and 
taas  and  specis  bizaas.  And  where  in  thunder  did  she  plunder? 
Fore  the  battle  or  efter  the  ball?  I  want  to  get  it  frisk  from  the 
soorce.  I  aubette  my  bearb  it's  worth  while  poaching  on!  Shake 
it  up,  do,  do!  That's  a  good  old  son  of  a  ditch!  I  promise  Fll 
make  it  worth  your  while.  And  I  don't  mean  maybe.  Nor  yet 
with  a  goodfor.  Spey  me  pruth  and  I'll  tale  you  true. 

Well,  arundgirond  in  a  waveney  lyne  aringarouma  she  pattered 
and  swung  and  sidled,  dribbling  her  boulder  through  narrowa 
mosses,  the  diliskydrear  on  our  drier  side  and  the  vilde  vetchvine 
agin  us,  curara  here,  career o  there,  not  knowing  which  medway 
or  weser  to  strike  it,  edereider,  making  chattahoochee  all  to  her 
ain  chichiu,  like  Santa  Claus  at  the  cree  of  the  pale  and  puny, 
nistling  to  hear  for  their  tiny  hearties,  her  arms  encircling  Isola- 
bella,  then  running  with  reconciled  Romas  and  Reims,  on  like  a 
lech  to  be  ofl"  like  a  dart,  then  bathing  Dirty  Hans'  spatters  with 
spittle,  with  a  Christmas  box  apiece  for  aisch  and  iveryone  of  her 
childer,  the  birthday  gifts  they  dreamt  they  gabe  her,  the  spoiled 
she  fleetly  laid  at  our  door!  On  the  matt,  by  the  pourch  and  in- 
under  the  cellar.  The  rivulets  ran  aflod  to  see,  the  glashaboys,  the 
pollynooties.  Out  of  the  paunschaup  on  to  the  pyre.  And  they  all 
about  her,  juvenile  leads  and  ingenuinas,  from  the  slime  of  their 
slums  and  artesaned  wellings,  rickets  and  riots,  like  the  Smyly 
boys  at  their  vicereine's  levee.  Vivi  vienne,  little  Annchen!  Vielo 
Anna,  high  life!  Sing  us  a  sula,  O,  susuria!  Ausone  sidulcis! 
Hasn't  she  tambre!  Chipping  her  and  raising  a  bit  of  a  chir  or  a 

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jary  every  dive  she'd  neb  in  her  culdee  sacco  of  wabbash  she 
raabed  and  reach  out  her  maundy  meerschaundize,  poor  souvenir 
as  per  ricorder  and  all  for  sore  aringarung,  stinkers  and  heelers, 
laggards  and  primelads,  her  furzeborn  sons  and  dribblederry 
daughters,  a  thousand  and  one  of  them,  and  wickerpotluck  for 
each  of  them.  For  evil  and  ever.  And  kiks  the  buch.  A  tinker's 
bann  and  a  barrow  to  boil  his  billy  for  Gipsy  Lee;  a  cartridge  of 
cockaleekie  soup  for  Chummy  the  Guardsman;  for  sulky  Pen- 
der's acid  nephew  deltoid  drops,  curiously  strong;  a  cough  and 
a  rattle  and  wildrose  cheeks  for  poor  Piccolina  Petite  MacFarlane; 
a  jigsaw  puzzle  of  needles  and  pins  and  blankets  and  shins  between 
them  for  Isabel,  Jezebel  and  Llewelyn  Mmarriage;  a  brazen  nose 
and  pigiron  mittens  for  Johnny  Walker  Beg;  a  papar  flag  of  the 
saints  and  stripes  for  Kevineen  O'Dea;  a  puffpuff  for  Pudge  Craig 
and  a  nightmarching  hare  for  Techertim  Tombigby;  waterleg 
and  gumboots  each  for  Bully  Hayes  and  Hurricane  Hartigan; 
a  prodigal  heart  and  fatted  calves  for  Buck  Jones,  the  pride  of 
Clonliffe;  a  loaf  of  bread  and  a  father's  early  aim  for  Val  from 
Skibereen;  a  jauntingcar  for  Larry  Doolin,  the  Ballyclee  jackeen; 
a  seasick  trip  on  a  government  ship  for  Teague  O' Flanagan;  a 
louse  and  trap  for  Jerry  Coyle;  slushmincepies  for  Andy  Mac- 
kenzie; a  hairclip  and  clackdish  for  Penceless  Peter;  that  twelve 
sounds  look  for  G.  V.  Brooke;  a  drowned  doll,  to  face  down- 
wards for  modest  Sister  Anne  Mortimer;  altar  falls  for  Blanchisse's 
bed;  Wildairs'  breechettes  for  Magpeg  Woppington;  to  Sue  Dot 
a  big  eye;  to  Sam  Dash  a  false  step;  snakes  in  clover,  picked  and 
scotched,  and  a  vaticanned  viper  catcher's  visa  for  Patsy  Presbys; 
a  reiz  every  morning  for  Standfast  Dick  and  a  drop  every  minute 
for  Stumblestone  Davy;  scruboak  beads  for  beatified  Biddy;  two 
appletweed  stools  for  Eva  Mobbely;  for  Saara  Philpot  a  Jordan 
vale  tearorne;  a  pretty  box  of  Pettyfib's  Powder  for  Eileen  Aruna 
to  whiten  her  teeth  and  outflash  Helen  Arhone;  a  whippingtop 
for  Eddy  Lawless;  for  Kitty  Coleraine  of  Butterman's  Lane  a 
penny  wise  for  her  foolish  pitcher;  a  putty  shovel  for  Terry  the 
Puckaun;  an  apotamus  mask  for  Promoter  Dunne;  a  niester  egg 
with  a  twicedated  shell  and  a  dynamight  right  for  Pavl  the  Curate; 

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a  collera  morbous  for  Mann  in  the  Cloack;  a  starr  and  girton  for 
Draper  and  Deane;  for  Will-of-the-Wisp  and  Barny-the-Bark  two 
mangolds  noble  to  sweeden  their  bitters;  for  Oliver  Bound  a 
way  in  his  frey;  for  Seumas,  thought  little,  a  crown  he  feels  big; 
a  tibertine's  pile  with  a  Congoswood  cross  on  the  back  for 
Sunny  Twimjim;  a  praises  be  and  spare  me  days  for  Brian  the 
Bravo;  penteplenty  of  pity  with  lubilashings  of  lust  for  Olona 
Lena  Magdalena;  for  Camilla,  Dromilla,  Ludmilla,  Mamilla,  a 
bucket,  a  packet,  a  book  and  a  pillow;  for  Nancy  Shannon  a 
Tuami  brooch;  for  Dora  Riparia  Hopeandwater  a  cooling  douche 
and  a  warmingpan;  a  pair  of  Blarney  braggs  for  Wally  Meagher; 
a  hairpin  slatepencil  for  Elsie  Oram  to  scratch  her  toby,  doing 
her  best  with  her  volgar  fractions;  an  old  age  pension  for  Betty 
Bellezza;  a  bag  of  the  blues  for  Funny  Fitz;  a  Missa  pro  Messa  for 
Taff  de  Taff;  Jill,  the  spoon  of  a  girl,  for  Jack,  the  broth  of  a  boy; 
a  Rogerson  Crusoe's  Friday  fast  for  Caducus  Angelus  Rubicon- 
stein;  three  hundred  and  sixtysix  poplin  tyne  for  revery  warp  in 
the  weaver's  woof  for  Victor  Hugonot;  a  stiff  steaded  rake  and 
good  varians  muck  for  Kate  the  Cleaner;  a  hole  in  the  ballad  for 
Hosty;  two  dozen  of  cradles  for  J.F.X.P.  Coppinger;  tenpounten 
on  the  pop  for  the  daulphins  born  with  five  spoiled  squibs  for 
Infanta;  a  letter  to  last  a  lifetime  for  Maggi  beyond  by  the  ashpit; 
the  heftiest  frozenmeat  woman  from  Lusk  to  Livienbad  for  Felim 
the  Ferry;  spas  and  speranza  and  symposium's  syrup  for  decayed 
and  blind  and  gouty  Gough;  a  change  of  naves  and  joys  of  ills 
for  Armoricus  Tristram  Amoor  Saint  Lawrence;  a  guillotine 
shirt  for  Reuben  Redbreast  and  hempen  suspendeats  for  Bren- 
nan  on  the  Moor;  an  oakanknee  for  Conditor  Sawyer  and  mus- 
quodoboits  for  Great  Tropical  Scott;  a  C3  peduncle  for  Karma- 
lite  Kane;  a  sunless  map  of  the  month,  including  the  sword  and 
stamps,  for  Shemus  O'Shaun  the  Post;  a  jackal  with  hide  for 
Browne  but  Nolan;  a  stonecold  shoulder  for  Donn  Joe  Vance; 
all  lock  and  no  stable  for  Honorbright  Merreytrickx;  a  big  drum 
for  Billy  Dunboyne;  a  guilty  goldeny  bellows,  below  me  blow 
me,  for  Ida  Ida  and  a  hushaby  rocker,  Elletrouvetout,  for  Who-is- 
silvier  —  "Where-is-he?;  whatever  you  like  to  swilly  to  swash, 


Yuinness  or  Yennessy,  Laagen  or  Niger,  for  Festus  King  and 
Roaring  Peter  and  Frisky  Shorty  and  Treacle  Tom  and  O.  B. 
Behan  and  Sully  the  Thug  and  Master  Magrath  and  Peter  Cloran 
and  O'Delawarr  Rossa  and  Nerone  MacPacem  and  whoever  you 
chance  to  meet  knocking  around;  and  a  pig's  bladder  balloon  for 
Selina  Susquehanna  Stakelum.  But  what  did  she  give  to  Pruda 
Ward  and  Katty  Kanel  and  Peggy  Quilty  and  Briery  Brosna  and 
Teasy  Kieran  and  Ena  Lappin  and  Muriel  Maassy  and  Zusan  Camac 
and  Melissa  Bradogue  and  Flora  Ferns  and  Fauna  Fox-Good- 
man and  Grettna  Greaney  and  Penelope  Inglesante  and  Lezba 
Licking  like  Leytha  Liane  and  Roxana  Rohan  with  Simpatica 
Sohan  and  Una  Bina  Laterza  and  Trina  La  Mesme  and  Philomena 
O'Farrell  and  Irmak  Elly  and  Josephine  Foyle  and  Snakeshead 
Lily  and  Fountainoy  Laura  and  Marie  Xavier  Agnes  Daisy 
Frances  de  Sales  Macleay?  She  gave  them  ilcka  madre's  daughter 
a  moonflower  and  a  bloodvein:  but  the  grapes  that  ripe  before 
reason  to  them  that  devide  the  vinedress.  So  on  Izzy,  her  shame- 
maid,  love  shone  befond  her  tears  as  from  Shem,  her  penmight, 
life  past  befoul  his  prime. 

My  colonial,  wardha  bagful!  A  bakereen's  dusind  with  tithe 
tillies  to  boot.  That's  what  you  may  call  a  tale  of  a  tub !  And  Hi- 
bernonian  market!  All  that  and  more  under  one  crinoline  enve- 
lope if  you  dare  to  break  the  porkbarrel  seal.  No  wonder  they'd 
run  from  her  pison  plague.  Throw  us  your  hudson  soap  for  the 
honour  of  Clane!  The  wee  taste  the  water  left.  I'll  raft  it  back, 
first  thing  in  the  marne.  Merced  mulde!  Ay,  and  don't  forget  the 
reckitts  I  lohaned  you.  You've  all  the  swirls  your  side  of  the  cur- 
rent. Well,  am  I  to  blame  for  that  if  I  have?  Who  said  you're  to 
blame  for  that  if  you  have.'^  You're  a  bit  on  the  sharp  side.  I'm  on 
the  wide.  Only  snuffers'  cornets  drifts  my  way  that  the  cracka 
dvine  chucks  out  of  his  cassock,  with  her  estheryear's  marsh 
narcissus  to  make  him  recant  his  vanitty  fair.  Foul  strips  of  his 
Chinook's  bible  I  do  be  reading,  dodwell  disgustered  but  chickled 
with  chuckles  at  the  tittles  is  drawn  on  the  tattlepage.  Senior  ga 
dito:  Faciasi  Omo!  E  omo  fu  fd.  Ho!  Ho!  Senior  ga  dito:  Faciasi 
Hidamol  Hidamo  se  ga  facessa.  Ha !  Ha !  And  Die  Windermere 

212 


Dichter  and  Lefanu  (Sheridan's)  old  House  hy  the  Coachyard  and 
Mill  (J.)  On  Woman  with  Ditto  on  the  Floss.  Ja,  a  swamp  for  Alt- 
muehler  and  a  stone  for  his  flossies !  I  know  how  racy  they  move 
his  wheel.  My  hands  are  blawcauld  between  isker  and  suda  like 
that  piece  of  pattern  chayney  there,  lying  below.  Or  where  is  it? 
Lying  beside  the  sedge  I  saw  it.  Hoangho,  my  sorrow,  I've  lost 
it!  Aimihi!  With  that  turbary  water  who  could  see?  So  near  and 
yet  so  far!  But  O,  gihon!  I  lovat  a  gabber.  I  could  listen  to  maure 
and  moravar  again.  Regn  onder  river.  Flies  do  your  float.  Thick 


is  the  life  for  mere. 

Well,  you  know  or  don't  you  kennet  or  haven't  I  told  you 


every  telling  has  a  taling  and  that's  the  he  and  the  she  of  it.  Look,  i 
look,  the  dusk  is  growing!  My  branches  lofty  are  taking  root. 
And  my  cold  cher's  gone  ashley.  Fieluhr?  Filou!  What  age  is  at? 
It  saon  is  late.  'Tis  endless  now  senne  eye  or  erewone  last  saw 
Waterhouse's  clogh.  They  took  it  asunder,  I  hurd  thum  sigh.  ^ 
When  will  they  reassemble  it?  O,  my  back,  my  back,  my  bach!  i        '  ^  l. 
I'd  want  to  go  to  Aches-les-Pains.  Pingpong!  There's  the  Belle  \  ^ 
for  Sexaloitez!  And  Concepta  de  Send-us-pray!  Pang!  Wring  out  t'^^^  ^7^-0  ^ 
the  clothes!  Wring  in  the  dew!  Godavari,  vert  the  showers!  And 
grant  thaya  grace!  Aman.  Will  we  spread  them  here  now?  Ay, 
we  will.  Flip!  Spread  on  your  bank  and  I'll  spread  mine  on  mine. 
Flep !  It's  what  I'm  doing.  Spread !  It's  churning  chill.  Der  went  is 
rising.  I'll  lay  a  few  stones  on  the  hostel  sheets.  A  man  and  his  bride 
embraced  between  them.  Else  I'd  have  sprinkled  and  folded  them 
only.  And  I'll  tie  my  butcher's  apron  here.  It's  suety  yet.  The 
strollers  will  pass  it  by.  Six  shifts,  ten  kerchiefs,  nine  to  hold  toj  ^ 
the  fire  and  this  for  the  code,  the  convent  napkins,  twelve,  one 
baby's  shawl.  Good  mother  Jossiph  knows,  she  said.  Whose 
head?  Mutter  snores?  Deataceas!  Wharnow  are  alle  her  childer, 
say?  In  kingdome  gone  or  power  to  come  or  gloria  be  to  them 
farther?  Allalivial,  allalluvial!  Some  here,  more  no  more,  more 
again  lost  alia  stranger.  I've  heard  tell  that  same  brooch  of  the 
Shannons  was  married  into  a  family  in  Spain.  And  all  the  Dun- 
ders  de  Dunnes  in  Markland's  Vineland  beyond  Brendan's  herring 
pool  takes  number  nine  in  yangsee's  hats.  And  one  of  Biddy's 

213 


r 


them.  Is  that  the  Poolbeg  flasher  beyant,  pharphar,  or  a  fireboat 
coasting  nyar  the  Kishtna  or  a  glow  I  behold  within  a  hedge  or 
my  Garry  come  back  from  the  Indes?  Wait  till  the  honeying  of 
the  lune,  love!  Die  eve,  little  eve,  die!  We  see  that  wonder  in 
your  eye.  We'll  meet  again,  we'll  part  once  more.  The  spot  I'll 
seek  if  the  hour  you'll  find.  My  chart  shines  high  where  the  blue 
milk's  upset.  Forgivemequick,  I'm  going!  Bubye!  And  you, 
pluck  your  watch,  forgetmenot.  Your  evenlode.  So  save  to 
jurna's  end!  My  sights  are  swimming  thicker  on  me  by  the  sha- 
dows to  this  place.  I  sow  home  slowly  now  by  own  way,  moy- 
valley  way.  Towy  I  too,  rathmine. 

Ah,  but  she  was  the  queer  old  skeowsha  anyhow,  Anna  Livia, 
trinkettoes!  And  sure  he  was  the  quare  old  buntz  too.  Dear  Dirty 
Dumpling,  foostherfather  of  fingalls  and  dotthergills.  Gammer 
and  gaffer  we're  all  their  gangsters.  Hadn't  he  seven  dams  to  wive 
him.'^  And  every  dam  had  her  seven  crutches.  And  every  crutch 
had  its  seven  hues.  And  each  hue  had  a  differing  cry.  Sudds  for 
me  and  supper  for  you  and  the  doctor's  bill  for  Joe  John.  Befor! 
Bifur!  He  married  his  markets,  cheap  by  foul,  I  know,  like  any 
Etrurian  Catholic  Heathen,  in  their  pinky  limony  creamy  birnies 
and  their  turkiss  indienne  mauves.  But  at  milkidmass  who  was 
the  spouse.'^  Then  all  that  was  was  fair.  Tys  Elvenland !  Teems  of 
times  and  happy  returns.  The  seim  anew.  Ordovico  or  viricordo. 
Anna  :was,  Livia  is,^  Plurabelle's  to  be.  Northmen's  thing  made 
southfolk's  place  but  howmulty  plurators  made  eachone  in  per- 
son.'^ Latin  me  that,  my  trinity  scholard,  out  of  cure  sanscreed  into 
oure  eryan!  Hircus  Civis  Ehlanensis!  He  had  buckgoat  paps  on 
him,  soft  ones  for  orphans.  Ho,  Lord !  Twins  of  his  bosom.  Lord 
save  us!  And  ho!  Hey.^  What  all  men.  Hot.^  His  tittering  daugh- 
ters of.  Whawk.^ 

Can't  hear  with  the  waters  of.  The  chittering  waters  of.  Flitter- 
ing bats,  fieldmice  bawk  talk.  Ho!  Are  you  not  gone  ahome.'* 
What  Thom  Malone.^  Can't  hear  with  bawk  of  bats,  all  thim  liffey- 
ing  waters  of.  Ho,  talk  save  us !  My  foos  won't  moos.  I  feel  as  old 
as  yonder  elm.  A  tale  told  of  Shaun  or  Shem.^  All  Livia's  daughter- 
sons.  Dark  hawks  hear  us.  Night!  Night!  My  ho  head  halls.  I  feel 

215 


as  heavy  as  yonder  stone.  Tell  me  of  John  or  Shaun?  Who  were 
Shem  and  Shaun  the  living  sons  or  daughters  of?  Night  now! 
Tell  me,  tell  me,  tell  me,  elm!  Night  night!  Telmetale  of  stem  or 
stone.  Beside  the  rivering  waters  of,  hitherandthithering  waters 
of.  Night! 


216 


II 


L 


Every  evening  at  lighting  up  o'clock  sharp  and  until  further 
notice  in  Feenichts  Playhouse.  (Bar  and  conveniences  always 
open,  Diddlem  Club  douncestears.)  Entrancings:  gads,  a  scrab; 
the  quality,  one  large  shilling.  Newly  billed  for  each  wickeday 
perfumance.  Somndoze  massinees.  By  arraignment,  childream's 
hours,  expercatered.  Jampots,  rinsed  porters,  taken  in  token.  With 
nightly  redistribution  of  parts  and  players  by  the  puppetry  pro- 
ducer and  daily  dubbing  of  ghosters,  with  the  benediction  of  the 
Holy  Genesius  Archimimus  and  under  the  distinguished  patron- 
age of  their  Elderships  the  Oldens  from  the  four  coroners  of 
Findrias,  Murias,  Gorias  and  Falias,  Messoirs  the  Coarbs,  Clive 
SoUis,  Galorius  Kettle,  Pobiedo  Lancey  and  Pierre  Dusort, 
while  the  Caesar-in-Chief  looks.  On.  Sennet.  As  played  to  the  "  '  ^  ^ 
Adelphi  by  the  Brothers  Bratislavoff  (Hyrcan  and  Haristobulus), 
f\  after  humpteen  dumpteen  revivals.  Before  all  the  King's  Hoarsers 
with  all  the  Queen's  Mum.  And  wordloosed  over  seven  seas 
crowdblast  in  cellelleneteutoslavzendlatinsoundscript.  In  four 
tubbloids.  While  fern  may  cald  us  until  firn  make  cold.  The  Mime 
oj  Micky  Nick  and  the  Maggies^  adopted  from  the  Ballymooney 
Bloodriddon  Murther  by  Bluechin  Blackdillain  (authorways  *Big 
Storey'),  featuring: 

GLUGG  (Mr  Seumas  McQuillad,  hear  the  riddles  between  the  ^  ^  ^ 
robot  in  his  dress  circular  and  the  gagster  in  the  rogues'  gallery), 
the  bold^ad  bleak  boy  of  the  storybooks,  who,  when  the  tabs  go 


up,  as  we  discover,  because  he  knew  to  mutch,  has  been  divorced 
into  disgrace  court  by 

THE  FLORAS  (Girl  Scouts  froHi  St.  Bride's  Finishing  Establish- 
ment, demand  acidulateds),  a  month's  bunch  of  pretty  maidens 
who,  while  they  pick  on  her,  their  pet  peeve,  form  with  valkyri- 
enne  licence  the  guard  for 

izoD  (Miss  Butys  Pott,  ask  the  attendantess  for  a  leaflet),  a  be- 
witching blonde  who  dimples  delightfully  and  is  approached  in 
loveliness  only  by  her  grateful  sister  reflection  in  a  mirror,  the  cloud 
of  the  opal,  who,  having  jilted  GJugg,  is  being  fatally  fascinated  by 

CHUFF  (Mr  Sean  O'Mailey,  see  the  chalk  and  sanguine  picto- 
graph  on  the  safety  drop),  the  fine  frank  fairhaired  fellow  of  the 
fairytales,  who  wrestles  for  tophole  with  the  bold  bad  bleak  boy 
Glugg,  geminally  about  caps  or  puds  or  tog  bags  or  bog  gats  or 
chuting  rudskin  gunerally  or  something,  until  they  adumbrace  a 
pattern  of  somebody  else  or  other,  after  which  they  are  both  car- 
ried oflF  the  set  and  brought  home  to  be  well  soaped,  sponged  and 
scrubbed  again  by 

ANN  (Miss  Corrie  Corriendo,  Grischun  scoula,  bring  the  babes, 
Pieder,  Poder  and  Turtey,  she  mistributes  mandamus  monies, 
after  perdunamento,  hendrud  aloven  entrees,  pulcinellis  must  not 
miss  our  national  rooster's  rag),  their  poor  little  old  mother-in- 
lieu,  who  is  woman  of  the  house,  playing  opposite  to 

HUMP  (Mr  Makeall  Gone,  read  the  sayings  from  Laxdalesaga 
in  the  programme  about  King  Ericus  of  Schweden  and  the  spirit's 
whispers  in  his  magical  helmet),  cap-a-pipe  with  watch  and  top- 
per, coat,  crest  and  supporters,  the  cause  of  all  our  grievances, 
the  whirl,  the  flash  and  the  trouble,  who,  having  partially  re- 
covered from  a  recent  impeachment  due  to  egg  everlasting,  but 
throughandthoroughly  proconverted,  propounded  for  cyclo- 
logical,  is,  studding  sail  once  more,  jibsheets  and  royals,  in  the 
semblance  of  the  substance  for  the  membrance  of  the  umbrance 
with  the  remnance  of  the  emblence  reveiling  a  quemdam  super- 
cargo, of  The  Rockery,  Poopinheavin,  engaged  in  entertaining 
in  his  pilgrimst  customhouse  at  Caherlehome-upon-Eskur  those 
statutory  persons 

220 


THE  CUSTOMERS  (Components  of  the  Afterhour  Courses  at  St. 
Patricius'  Academy  for  Grownup  Gentlemen,  consult  the  annu- 
ary,  coldporters  sibsuction),  a  bundle  of  a  dozen  of  representa- 
tive locomotive  civics,  each  inn  quest  of  outings,  who  are  still    ^  /  sa^- 
more  sloppily  served  after  every  cup  final  by 

SAUNDERSON  (Mr  Kuut  Oelsvinger,  Tiffsdays  off,  wouldntstop 
in  bad,  imitation  of  flatfish,  torchbearing  supperaape,  dud  half-  ^/ct^'*  ^ 
sovereign,  no  chee  daily,  roily  pollsies.  Glen  of  the  Downs,  the 
Gugnir,  his  geyswerks,  his  earsequack,  his  lokistroki,  o.s.v.),  a 
scherinsheiner  and  spoilcurate,  unconcerned  in  the  mystery  but 
under  the  inflounce  of  the  milldieuw  and  butt  of 

KATE  (Miss  Rachel  Lea  Varian,  she  tells  forkings  for  baschfel- 
lors,  under  purdah  of  card  palmer  teaput  tosspot  Madam  d'Elta, 
during  the  pawses),  kook-and-dishdrudge,  whitch  believes  wan- 
thingthats,  whouse  be  the  churchyard  or  whorts  up  the  aasgaars, 
the  show  must  go  on. 

Time:  the  pressant.  r 

With  futurist  onehorse  balletbattle  pictures  and  the  Pageant 
of  Past  History  worked  up  with  animal  variations  amid  ever-  t-^^ 
glaning  mangrovemazes  and  beorbtracktors  by  Messrs  Thud  and 
Blunder.  Shadows  by  the  film  folk,  masses  by  the  good  people. 
Promptings  by  Elanio  Vitale.  Longshots,  upcloses,  outblacks  and  i  <  I  -  ^  . ' 
stagetolets  by  Hexenschuss,  Coachmaher,  Incubone  and  Rock- 
narrag.  Creations  tastefully  designed  by  Madame  Berthe  Dela- 
mode.  Dances  arranged  by  Harley  Quinn  and  Coollimbeina. 
Jests,  jokes,  jigs  and  jorums  for  the  Wake  lent  from  the  properties 
of  the  late  cemented  Mr  T.  M.  Finnegan  R.I.C.  Lipmasks  and 
hairwigs  by  Ouida  Nooikke.  Limes  and  Floods  by  Crooker  and 
Toll.  Kopay  pibe  by  Kappa  Pedersen.  Hoed  Pine  hat  with 
twentyfour  ventholes  by  Morgen.  Bosse  and  stringbag  from 
Heteroditheroe's  and  All  Ladies'  presents.  Tree  taken  for  grafted. 
Rock  rent.  Phenecian  blends  and  Sourdanian  doofpoosts  by 
Shauvesourishe  and  Wohntbedarft.  The  oakmulberryeke  with 
silktrick  twomesh  from  Shop-Sowry,  seedsmanchap.  Grabstone 
beg  from  General  Orders  Mailed.  The  crack  (that's  Cork!)  by 
a  smoker  from  the  gods.  The  interjection  (Buckley!)  by  the  fire- 


221  , 


ment  in  the  pit.  Accidental  music  providentially  arranged  by 
L'Archet  and  Laccorde.  Melodiotiosities  in  purefusion  by  the 
score.  To  start  with  in  the  beginning,  we  need  hirtly  bemark, 
a  community  prayer,  everyone  for  himself,  and  to  conclude 
with  as  an  exodus,  we  think  it  well  to  add,  a  chorale  in  canon, 
good  for  us  all  for  us  all  us  all  all.  Songs  betune  the  acts  by 
the  ambiamphions  of  Annapolis,  Joan  MockComic,  male  so- 
prano, and  Jean  Souslevin,  bass  noble,  respectively:  O,  Mester 
Sogermon,  ef  thes  es  whot  ye  deux,  then  I'm  not  surpleased  ye 
want  that  bottle  of  Sauvequipeu  and  Oh  Off  Nunch  Der  Rasche 
Ver  Lasse  Mitsch  Nitscht.  Till  the  summit  scenes  of  climbacks 
castastrophear.  The  Bearded  Mountain  (Polymop  Barethe- 
rootsch),  and  The  River  Romps  to  Nursery  (Maidykins  in  Undi- 
form).  The  whole  thugogmagog,  including  the  portions  under- 
stood to  be  oddmitted  as  the  results  of  the  respective  titulars 
neglecting  to  produce  themselves,  to  be  wound  up  for  an  after- 
enactment  by  a  Magnificent  Transformation  Scene  showing  the 
Radium  Wedding  of  Neid  and  Moorning  and  the  Dawn  of 
Peace,  Pure,  Perfect  and  Perpetual,  Waking  the  Weary  of  the 
World. 

An  argument  follows. 

Chuffy  was  a  nangel  then  and  his  soard  fleshed  light  like  like- 
ning. Fools  top!  Singty,  sangty,  meekly  loose,  defendy  nous  from 
prowlabouts.  Make  a  shine  on  the  curst.  Emen. 

But  the  duvlin  sulph  was  in  Glugger,  that  lost-to-lurning. 
Punct.  He  was  sbufiing  and  sputing,  tussing  like  anisine,  whip- 
ping his  eyesoult  and  gnatsching  his  teats  over  the  brividies  from 
existers  and  the  outher  liubbocks  of  life.  He  halth  kelchy  chosen 
a  clayblade  and  makes  prayses  to  his  three  of  clubs.  To  part  from 
these,  my  corsets,  is  into  overlusting  fear.  Acts  of  feet,  hoof  and 
jarrety:  athletes  longfoot.  Djowl,  uphere! 

Aminxt  that  nombre  of  evelings,  but  how  pierceful  in  their  so- 
jestiveness  were  those  first  girly  stirs,  with  zitterings  of  flight  re- 
leased and  twinglings  of  twitchbells  in  rondel  after,  with  waver- 
ings that  made  shimmershake  rather  naightily  all  the  duskcended 
airs  and  shylit  beaconings  from  shehind  hims  back.  Sammy,  call 

222 


I  I 


on.  Mirrylamb,  she  was  shuffering  all  the  diseasinesses  of  the  un- 

herd  of.  Mary  Louisan  Shousapinas !  If  Arck  could  no  more  salve 

his  agnols  from  the  wiles  of  willy  wooly  woolf !  If  all  the  airish 

signics  of  her  dipandump  helpabit  from  an  Father  Hogam  till 

the  Mutther  Masons  could  not  that  Glugg  to  catch  her  by  the 

calour  of  her  brideness!  Not  Rose,  Sevilla  nor  Citronelle;  not 

Esmeralde,  Pervinca  nor  Indra;  not  Viola  even  nor  all  of  them  ^    .^yV  ^^i-*^ 

four  themes  over.  But,  the  rnqnthage  stick  in  the  melmelode  jawr,  A^^^^^^^v'^ 

I  am  (twintomine)  all  thees  thing.  Up  tighty  in  the  front,  down 

again  on  the  loose,  drim  and  drumming  on  her  back  and  a  pop 

from  her  whistle.  What  is  that,  O  holy  troopers.^  Isot  givin  yoe? 

Up  he  stulpled,  glee  you  gees,  with  search  a  fling  did  die  near 
sea,  beamy  owen  and  calmy  hugh  and  if  you  what  you  my  call  for 
me  I  will  wishyoumaycull  for  you. 

And  they  are  met,  face  a  facing.  They  are  set,  force  to  force. 
And  no  such  Copenhague-Marengo  was  less  so  fated  for  a  fall 
since  in  Glenasmole  of  Smiling  Thrushes  Patch  Whyte  passed 
O 'Sheen  ascowl. 

Arrest  thee,  scaldbrother !  came  the  evangelion,  sabre  accu- 
sant, from  all  Sairit  Joan's  Wood  to  kill  or  maim  him,  and  be  / 
dumm  but  ill  s'arrested.  Et  would  proffer  to  his  delected  one  the 
his  trifle  from  the  grass. 

A  space.  W^ho  are  you.'^  The  cat's  mother.  A  time.  What  do 
you  lack.^  The  look  of  a  queen. 

But  what  is  that  which  is  one  going  to  prehend.'^  Seeks,  buzzling 
is  brains,  the  feinder. 

The  howtosayto  itiswhatis  hemustwhomust  worden  schall. 
A  darktongues,  kunning.  O  theoperil!  Ethiaop  lore,  the  poor  lie.  k  -^  ^  ^  ' 
He  askit  of  the  hoothed  fireshield  but  it  was  untergone  into  the 
matthued  heaven.  He  soughed  it  from  the  luft  but  that  bore  ne  il  ' 
mark  ne  message.  He  luked  upon  the  bloomingrund  where  ongly 
his  corns  were  growning.  At  last  he  listed  back  to  beckline  how 
she^ranked  alone_so  johntily.  The  skand  for  schooling.        M  ^ 

With  nought  a  wired  from  the  wordless  either. 

Item.  He  was  hardset  then.  He  wented  to  go  (somewhere)  while 
he  was  weeting.  Utem.  He  wished  to  grieve  on  the  good  persons,  that 

223 


is  the  four  gentlemen.  Otem.  And  it  was  not  a  long  time  till  he  was 
feeling  true  forim  he  was  goodda  purssia  and  it  was  short  after  that 
he  was  fooling  mehaunt  to  mehynte  he  was  an  injine  ruber.  Etem. 
He  was  at  his  thinker's  aunts  to  give  (the  four  gentlemen)  the 
presence  (of  a  curpse).  And  this  is  what  he  would  be  willing.  He 
fould  the  fourd;  they  found  the  hurtled  stones;  they  fell  ill  with  the 
gravy  duck:  and  he  sod  town  with  the  roust  of  the  meast.  Atem. 
Towhere  byhangs  ourtales. 

Ah  ho!  This  poor  Glugg!  It  was  so  said  of  him  about  of  his  old 
fontmouther.  Truly  deplurabel!  Adire,  Odire!  And  all  the  freight- 
fullness  whom  he  inhebited  after  his  colline  born  janitor.  Some- 
time towerable !  With  that  hehry  antlets  on  him  and  the  bauble- 
light  bulching  out  of  his  sockets  whiling  away  she  sprankled  his 
allover  with  her  noces  of  interregnation:  How  do  you  do  that  lack 
a  lock  and  pass  the  poker,  please.'^  And  bids  him  tend  her,  lute 
and  airly.  Sing,  sweetharp,  thing  to  me  anone!  So  that  Glugg, 
^<'/  the  poor  one,  in  that  limbopool  which  was  his  subnesciousness 

L  [P^  he  could  scares  of  all  knotknow  whither  his  morrder  had  bourst 
a  blabber  or  if  the  vogalstones  that  hit  his  tynpan  was  that  mearly 
his  skoll  missed  her.  Misty's  trompe  or  midst  his  flooting.^  Ah, 
ho!  Cicely,  awe! 

The  youngly  delightsome  frilles-in-pleyurs  are  now  showen 
drawen,  if  bud  one,  or,  if  in  florileague,  drawens  up  consociately 
at  the  hinder  sight  of  their  commoner  guardian.  Her  boy  fiend  or 
theirs,  if  they  are  so  plurielled,  cometh  up  as  a  trapadour,  sinking 
how  he  must  fand  for  himself  by  gazework  what  their  colours 
wear  as  they  are  all  showen  drawens  up.  Tireton,  cacheton,  tire- 
ton,  ba!  Doth  that  not  satisfy  youth,  sir.'^  Quanty  purty  bellas, 
here,  Madama  Lifay!  And  what  are  you  going  to  charm  them  to, 
Madama,  do  say.^  Cinderynelly  angled  her  slipper;  it  was  cho 
cliiny  yet  braught  her  a  groom.  He  will  angskt  of  them  from  their 
commoner  guardian  at  next  lineup  (who  is  really  the  rapier  of  the 
two  though  tliother  brother  can  hold  his  own,  especially  for  he 
bandished  it  with  his  hand  the  hold  time,  mamain,  a  simply  gra- 
cious: Mi,  O  la!),  and  reloose  that  thong  off  his  art:  Hast  thou  feel 
liked  carbunckley  ones?  Apun  which  his  poohoor  pricoxity  theirs 

224 


■ 

L 


is  a  little  tittertit  of  hilarity  (Lad-o'-me-soul  I  Lad-o'-me-soul, 
see!)  and  the  wordchary  is  atvoiced  ringsoundinly  by  their  toots 
ensembled,  though  not  meaning  to  be  clever,  but  just  with  a  shrug 
of  their  hips  to  go  to  troy  and  harff  a  freak  at  himself  by  all  that 
story  to  the  ulstramarines.  Otherwised,  holding  their  noises, 
they  insinuate  quiet  private,  Ni,  he  make  peace  in  his  preaches 
and  play  with  esteem. 
Warewolff!  Olff!  Toboo! 

So  olff  for  his  topheetuck  the  ruck  made  raid,  aslick  aslegs 
would  run;  and  he  ankered  on  his  hunkers  with  the  belly  belly 
prest.  Asking:  What's  my  muffinstuffinaches  for  these  times?  To 
weat:  Breath  and  bother  and  whatarcurss.  Then  breath  more 
bother  and  more  whatarcurss.  Then  no  breath  no  bother  but  wor-  , 
rawarrawurms.  And  Shim  shallave  shome.  f^-^  m    </%'^-^  i^^^ 

As  Rigagnolina  to  Mountagnone,  what  she  meaned  he  could 
not  can.  All  she  meaned  was  golten  sylvup,  all  she  meaned  was 
some  Knight's  ploung  jamn.  It's  driving  her  dafFt  like  he's  so 
dumnb.  If  he'd  lonely  talk  instead  of  only  gawk  as  thought  yate- 
man  hat  stuck  hits  stick  althrough  his  spokes  and  if  he  woold  nut 
wolly  so!  Hee.  Speak,  sweety  bird!  Mitzymitzy!  Though  I  did 
ate  tough  turf  I'm  not  the  bogdoxy. 

—  Have  you  monbreamstone? 

—  No. 

—  Or  Hellfeuersteyn? 

—  No. 

—  Or  Van  Diemen's  coral  pearl? 

—  No. 

He  has  lost. 

Off  to  clutch,  Glugg!  Forwhat!  Shape  your  reres,  Glugg!  /'^ -^^^ 
Foreweal!  Ring  we  round.  Chuff!  Fairwell!  Chuffchuff's  inners  -  f/. , 
even.  All's  rice  with  their  whorl! 

Yet,  ah  tears,  who  can  her  mater  be?  She's  promised  he'd  eye 
her.  To  try  up  her  pretti.  But  now  it's  so  longed  and  so  fared  and 
so  forth.  Jerry  for  jauntings.  Alabye!  Fled. 

The  flossies  all  and  mossies  all  they  drooped  upon  her  draped 
brimfall.  The  bowknots,  the  showlots,  they  wilted  into  woeblots. 

225 


The  pearlagraph,  the  pearlagraph,  knew  whitchly  whether  to  weep 
or  laugh.  For  always  down  in  Carolinas  lovely  Dinahs  vaunt  their 
view. 

Poor  Isa  sits  a  glooming  so  gleaming  in  the  gloaming;  the  tin- 
celles  a  touch  tarnished  wind  no  lovelinoise  awound  her  swan's. 
Hey,  lass!  Woefear  gleam  she  so  glooming,  this  pooripathete  I 
solde?  Her  beauman's  gone  of  a  cool.  Be  good  enough  to  symper- 
ise.  If  he's  at  anywhere  she's  therefor  to  join  him.  If  it's  to  no- 
where she's  going  to  too.  Buf  if  he'll  go  to  be  a  son  to  France's 
she'll  stay  daughter  of  Clare.  Bring  tansy,  throw  myrtle,  strew 
rue,  rue,  rue.  She  is  fading  out  like  Journee's  clothes  so  you  can't 
see  her  now.  Still  we  know  how  Day  the  Dyer  works,  in  dims 
and  deeps  and  dusks  and  darks.  And  among  the  shades  that  Eve's 
now  wearing  she'll  meet  anew  fiancy,  tryst  and  trow.  Mammy 
was,  Mimmy  is,  Minuscoline's  to  be.  In  the  Dee  dips  a  dame  and 
the  dame  desires  a  demselle  but  the  demselle  dresses  dolly  and 
the  dolly  does  a  dulcydamble.  The  same  renew.  For  though 
she's  unmerried  she'll  after  truss  up  and  help  that  hussyband  how 
to  hop.  Hip  it  and  trip  it  and  chirrub  and  sing.  Lord  Chuffy's  sky 
sheraph  and  Glugg's  got  to  swing. 

So  and  so,  toe  by  toe,  to  and  fro  they  go  round,  for  they  are  the 
ingelles,  scattering  nods  as  girls  who  may,  for  they  are  an  angel's 
garland. 

Catchmire  stockings,  libertyed  garters,  shoddyshoes,  quicked 
out  with  selver.  Pennyfair  caps  on  pinnyfore  frocks  and  a  ring  on 
her  fomefing  finger.  And  they  leap  so  looply,  looply,  as  they  link 
to  light.  And  they  look  so  loovely,  loovelit,  noosed  in  a  nuptious 
night.  Withasly  glints  in.  Andecoy  giants  out.  They  ramp  it  a 
little,  a  lessle,  a  lissle.  Then  rompride  round  in  rout. 

Say  them  all  but  tell  them  apart,  cadenzando  coloratura!  R  is 
Rubretta  and  A  is  Arancia,  Y  is  for  Yilla  and  N  for  greeneriN.  B 
is  Boyblue  with  odalisque  O  while  W  waters  the  fleurettes  of  no- 
vembrance.  Though  they're  all  but  merely  a  schoolgirl  yet  these 
way  went  they.  I'  th'  view  o'  th'avignue  dancing  goes  entrancing 
roundly.  Miss  Oodles  of  Anems  before  the  Luvium  doeslike.  So. 
And  then  again  doeslike.  So.  And  miss  Endles  of  Eons  efter  Dies 

226 


of  Eirae  doeslike.  So.  And  then  again  doeslike.  So.  The  many 
wiles  of  Winsure. 

The  grocer's  bawd  she  slips  her  hand  in  the  haricot  bag,  the 
lady  in  waiting  sips  her  sup  from  the  paraffin  can,  Mrs  Wildhare 
Quickdoctor  belts  her  skelts  up  the  casuaway  the  flasht  instinct 
she  herds  if  a  tinkle  of  tunder,  the  widow  Megrievy  she  knits  cats' 
cradles,  this  bountiful  actress  leashes  a  harrier  under  her  tongue, 
and  here's  the  girl  who  she's  kneeled  in  coldfashion  and  she's  told 
her  priest  (spt!)  she's  pot  on  a  chap  (chp!)  and  this  lass  not  least, 
this  rickissime  woman,  who  she  writes  foot  fortunes  money  times 
over  in  the  nursery  dust  with  her  capital  thumb.  Buzz.  All  run- 
away sheep  bound  back  bopeep,  trailing  their  teenes  behind 
them.  And  these  ways  wend  they.  And  those  ways  went  they. 
Winnie,  Olive  and  Beatrice,  Nelly  and  Ida,  Amy  and  Rue.  Here 
they  come  back,  all  the  gay  pack,  for  they  are  the  florals,  from 
foncey  and  pansey  to  papavere's  blush,  foresake-me-nought, 
while  there's  leaf  there's  hope,  with  primtim's  ruse  and  marry- 
may's  blossom,  all  the  flowers  of  the  ancelles'  garden. 

But  vicereversing  thereout  from  those  palms  of  perfection  to 
anger  arbour,  treerack  monatan,  scroucely  out  of  scout  of  ocean, 
virid  with  woad,  what  tornaments  of  complementary  rages  rocked 
the  divlun  from  his  punchpoll  to  his  tummy's  shentre  as  he  dis- 
plaid  all  the  oathword  science  of  his  visible  disgrace.  He  was 
feeling  so  funny  and  floored  for  the  cue,  all  over  which  girls  as 
he  don't  know  whose  hue.  If  goosseys  gazious  would  but  fain 
smile  him  a  smile  he  would  be  fondling  a  praise  he  ate  some  nice 
bit  of  fluff".  But  no  geste  reveals  the  unconnouth.  They're  all 
odds  against  him,  the  beasties.  Scratch.  Start. 

He  dove  his  head  into  Wat  Murrey,  gave  Stewart  Ryall  a  puck 
on  the  plexus,  wrestled  a  hurry-come-union  with  the  Gillie  Beg, 
wiped  all  his  sinses,  martial  and  menial,  out  of  Shrove  Sundy 
MacFearsome,  excremuncted  as  freely  as  any  frothblower  into 
Maclsaac,  had  a  belting  bout,  chaste  to  chaste,  with  McAdoo 
about  nothing  and,  childhood's  age  being  aye  the  shameleast,  tel 
a  Tartaran  tastarin  toothsome  tarrascone  tourtoun,  vestimentiv- 
orous  chlamydophagian,  imbretellated  himself  for  any  time  un- 

227 


tellable  with  what  hung  over  to  the  Machonochie  Middle  from 
the  MacSiccaries  of  the  Breeks.  Home! 

Allwhile,  moush  missuies  from  mungy  monsie,  preying  in 
his  mind,  son  of  Everallin,  within  himself,  he  swure.  Macnoon 
maggoty  mag!  Cross  of  a  coppersmith  bishop!  He  would  split. 
He  do  big  squeal  like  holy  Trichepatte.  Seek  hells  where  from 
yank  islanders  the  petriote's  absolation.  Mocknitza!  Genik!  He 
take  skiff  come  first  dagrene  day  overwide  tumbler,  rough  and 
dark,  till  when  bow  of  the  shower  show  of  the  bower  with  three 
shirts  and  a  wind,  pagoda  permettant,  crookolevante,  the  bruce, 
the  coriolano  and  the  ignacio.  From  prudals  to  the  secular  but 
from  the  cumman  to  the  nowter.  Byebye,  Brassolis,  Pm  breaving! 
Our  war,  Dully  Gray!  A  conansdream  of  lodascircles,  he  here 
schlucefinis.  Gelchasser  no  more!  Mischnary  for  the  minestrary 
to  all  the  sems  of  Aram.  Shimach,  eon  of  Era.  Mum's  for's 
maxim,  ban's  for's  book  and  Dodgesome  Dora  for  hedgehung 
sheolmastress.  And  Unkel  Silanse  coach  in  diligence.  Discon- 
nection of  the  succeeding.  He  wholehog  himself  for  carberry 
banishment  care  of  Pencylmania,  Bretish  Armerica,  to  melt  Mrs 
Gloria  of  the  Bunkers'  Trust,  recorporated,  (prunty!)  by  meteo- 
romancy  and  linguified  heissrohgin,  quit  to  hail  a  hurry  laracor 
and  catch  the  Paname-Turricum  and  regain  that  absendee  tarry 
easty,  his  citta  immediata,  by  an  alley  and  detour  with  farecard 
awailable  getrennty  years.  Right  for  Rovy  the  Roder.  From  the 
safe  side  of  distance!  Libera,  nostalgia!  Beate  Laurentie  O'Tuli, 
Euro  pra  nobis!  Every  monk  his  own  cashel  where  every  little 
ligger  is  his  own  liogotenente  with  inclined  jambs  in  full  purview 
to  his  pronaose  and  to  the  deretane  at  his  reredoss.  Fuisfinister, 
fuyerescaper!  He  would,  with  the  greatest  of  ease,  before  of 
weighting  midhook,  by  dear  home  trashold  on  the  raging  canal, 
for  othersites  of  Jorden,  (heave  a  hevy,  waterboy!)  make  one 
of  hissens  with  a  knockonacow  and  a  chow  collegions  and  fire 
off,  gheol  ghiomal,  foull  subustioned  mullmud,  his  farced  epistol 
to  the  hibruws.  From  Cernilius  slomtime  prepositus  of  Toumaria 
to  the  clutch  in  Anteach.  Salvo!  Ladigs  and  jointuremen!  No  more 
turdenskaulds!  Free  leaves  for  ebribadies!  All  tinsammon  in  the 

228 


1 


r 


yord!  With  harm  and  aches  till  farther  alters!  Wild  primates  not 
stop  him  frem  at  rearing  a  writing  in  handy  antics.  Nom  de 
plume/  Gout  strap  Fenlanns!  And  send  Jarge  for  Mary  Ink- 
lenders!  And  daunt  you  logh  if  his  vineshanky's  schwemmy! 
For  he  is  the  general,  make  no  mistake  in  he.  He  is  General 
Jinglesome. 

Go  in  for  scnbenery  with  the  satiety  of  arthurs  in  S.P.Q.R.ish 
and  inform  to  the  old  sniggering  publicking  press  and  its  nation 
of  sheepcojpers  about  the  whole  plighty  troth  between  them,  ma- 
lady of  milady  made  melodi  of  malodi,  she,  the  lalage  of  lyon- 
esses,  and  him,  her  knave  arrant.  To  Wildrose  La  Gilligan  from 
Croppy  Crowhore.  For  all  within  crystal  range. 

Ukalepe.  Loathers'  leave.  Had  Days.  Nemo  in  Patria.  The 
Luncher  Out.  Skilly  and  Carubdish.  A  Wondering  Wreck.  From 
the  Mermaids'  Tavern.  Bullyfamous.  Naughtsycalves.  Mother  of 
Misery.  Walpurgas  Nackt. 

Maleesh!  He  would  bare  to  un tired  world  of  Leimunconon- 
nulstria  (and  what  a  strip  poker  globbtrottel  they  pairs  would 
looks!)  how  wholefallows,  his  gufFer,  the  Sabbatarian  (might 
faction  split  his  beard!),  he  too  had  a  great  big  oh  in  the 
megafundum  of  his  tomashunders  and  how  her  Lettyshape,  his 
gummer,  that  congealed  sponsar,  she  had  never  cessed  at  waking 
makers  among  the  jemassons  since  the  cluft  that  meataxe  delt 
her  made  her  microchasm  as  gap  as  down  low.  So  they  fished 
in  the  kettle  and  fought  free  and  if  she  bit  his  tailibout  all  hat 
tiffin  for  thea.  He  would  jused  sit  it  all  write  down  just  as  he 
would  jused  set  it  up  all  writhefully  rate  in  blotch  and  void, 
yielding  to  no  man  in  hymns  ignorance,  seeing  how  heartsilly 
sorey  he  was,  owning  to  the  condrition  of  his  bikestool.  And, 
reading  off  his  fleshskin  and  writing  with  his  quillbone,  fillfull 
ninequires  with  it  for  his  auditers,  Caxton  and  Pollock,  a  most 
moraculous  jeeremyhead  sindbook  for  all  the  peoples,  under  the 
presidency  of  the  suchess  of  sceaunonsceau,  a  hadtobe  heldin, 
thoroughly  enjoyed  by  many  so  meny  on  block  at  Boyrut  season 
and  for  their  account  ottorly  admired  by  her  husband  in  sole  in- 
timacy, about  whose  told  his  innersense  and  the  grusomehed's 

229 


yoeureeke  of  his  spectrescope  and  why  he  was  off  colour  and  how 
he  was  ambodied  upon  by  the  very  spit  of  himself,  first  on  the 
cheekside  by  Michelangelo  and,  besouns  thats,  over  on  the  owld 
jowly  side  by  Bill  C.  Babby,  and  the  suburb's  formule  why  they 
provencials  drollo  eggspilled  him  out  of  his  homety  dometry  nar- 
rowedknee  domum  (osco  de  basco  de  pesco  de  bisco!)  because 
all  his  creature  comfort  was  an  omulette  finas  erbas  in  an  ark  finis 
orbe  and,  no  master  how  mustered,  mind  never  mend,  he  could 
neither  swuck  in  nonneither  swimp  in  the  flood  of  cecialism  and 
the  best  and  schortest  way  of  blacking  out  a  caughtalock  of  all 
the  sorrors  of  Sexton  until  he  would  accoster  her  coume  il  fou  in 
teto-dous  as  a  wagoner  would  his  mudheeldy  wheesindonk  at 
their  trist  in  Parisise  after  tourments  of  tosend  years,  bread  cast 
out  on  waters,  making  goods  at  mutuurity,  Mondamoiseau  of 
Casanuova  and  Mademoisselle  from  Armentieres.  Neblonovi's 
Nivonovio!  Nobbio  and  Nuby  in  ennoviacion!  Occitantitempoli ! 
He  would  si  through  severalls  of  sanctuaries  maywhatmay  might- 
whomight  so  as  to  meet  somewhere,  if  produced,  on  a  demi  pans- 
sion  for  his  whole  lofetime,  payment  in  goo  to  slee  music  and 
poisonal  comfany,  following  which,  like  Ipsey  Secumbe,  when  he 
fingon  to  foil  the  fluter,  she  could  have  all  the  g.  s.  M.  she  moo- 
hooed  after  fore  and  rickwards  to  herslF,  including  science  of 
sonorous  silence,  while  he,  being  brung  up  on  soul  butter,  have 
recourse  of  course  to  poetry.  With  tears  for  his  coronaichon, 
such  as  engines  weep.  Was  liffe  worth  leaving.'^  Nej ! 

Tholedoth,  treetrene!  Zokrahsing,  stone!  Arty,  reminiscen- 
sitive,  at  bandstand  finale  on  grand  carriero,  dreaming  largesse 
of  lifesighs  over  early  lived  offs — all  old  Sators  of  the  Sowsceptre 
highly  nutritius  family  histrionic,  genitricksling  with  Avus  and 
Avia,  that  simple  pair,  and  descendant  down  on  veloutypads  by  a 
vuncular  process  to  Nurus  and  Noverca,  those  notorious  nepotists, 
circumpictified  in  their  sobrine  census,  patriss  all  of  them  by  the 
glos  on  their  germane  faces  and  their  socerine  eyes  like  transparents 
of  vitricus,  patruuts  to  a  man,  the  archimade  levirs  of  his  ekonome 
world.  Remember  thee,  castle  throwen.'^  Ones  propsperups  treed, 
now  stohong  baroque.  And  oil  paint  use  a  pumme  if  yell  trace 

230 


me  there  title  to  where  was  a  hovel  not  a  havel  (the  first  rattle  of 
his  juniverse)  with  a  tingtumtingling  and  a  next,  next  and  next 
(gin  a  paddy?  got  a  petty?  gussies,  gif  it  ope?),  while  itch  ish 
shome. 

—  My  Gody  alas,  that  dear  olt  tumtum  home 

Whereof  in  youthfood  port  I  preyed 

Amook  the  verdigrassy  convict  vallsall  da\es. 

And  cloitered  for  amourmeant  in  thy  hoosome  shede! 

His  mouthfull  of  ecstasy  (for  Shing- Yung-Thing  in  Shina  from 
Yoruyume  across  the  Timor  Sea),  herepong  (malad venture!)  shot 
pinging  up  through  the  errorooth  of  his  wisdom  (who  thought 
him  a  Fonar  all,  feastking  of  shellies  by  googling  Lovvey,  regally 
freytherem,  eagelly  plumed,  and  wasbut  gumboil  owrithy  prods 
wretched  some  horsery  megee  plods  coffin  acid  odarkery  pluds 
dense  floppens  mugurdy)  as  thought  it  had  been  zawhen  intwo. 
Wholly  sanguish  blooded  up  disconvulsing  the  fixtures  of  his 
fizz.  Apang  which  his  tempory  chewer  med  him  a  crazy  chump 
of  a  Haveajube  Sillayass.  Joshua  Croesus,  son  of  Nunn!  Though 
he  shall  live  for  millions  of  years  a  life  of  billions  of  years,  from 
their  roseaced  glows  to  their  violast  lustres,  he  shall  not  forget 
that  pucking  Pugases.  Holihowlsballs  and  bloody  acres!  Like 
gnawthing  unheardth! 

But,  by  Jove  Chronides,  Seed  of  Summ,  after  at  he  had  bate 
his  breastplates  for,  forforget,  forforgetting  his  birdsplace,  it  was 
soon  that,  that  he,  that  he  rehad  himself.  By  a  prayer?  No,  that 
comes  later.  By  contrite  attrition?  Nay,  that  we  passed.  Mid 
esercizism?  So  is  richt. 

And  it  was  so.  And  Malthos  Moramor  resumed  his  soul.  With: 
Go  Ferchios  off  to  Allad  out  of  this!  An  oldsteinsong.  He  threwed 
his  fit  up  to  his  aers,  rolled  his  poligone  eyes,  snivelled  from  his 
snose  and  blew  the  guff  out  of  his  hornypipe.  The  hopjoimt  jerk 
of  a  ladle  broom  jig  that  he  learned  in  locofoco  when  a  redhot 
turnspite  he.  Under  reign  of  old  Roastin  the  Bowl  Ratskillers, 
readyos!  Why  was  that  man  for  he's  doin  her  wrong!  Lookery 
looks,  how  he's  knots  in  his  entrails!  Mookery  mooks,  it's  a 
grippe  of  his  gripes.  Seekeryseeks,  why  his  biting  he's  head  off? 

231 


Cokerycokes,  it's  his  spurt  of  coal.  And  may  his  tarpitch  dilute 
not  give  him  chromitis !  For  the  mauwe  that  blinks  you  blank  is 
mostly  Carbo.  Where  the  inflammabilis  might  pursuive  his  com- 
burenda  with  a  pure  flame  and  a  true  flame  and  a  flame  all  too- 
gasser,  soot.  The  worst  is  over.  Wait!  And  the  dubuny  Mag  may 
gang  to  preesses.  With  Dinny  Finneen,  me  canty,  ho!  In  the  lost 
of  the  gleamens.  Sousymoust.  For  he  would  himself  deal  a  treat- 
ment as  might  be  trusted  in  anticipation  of  his  inculmination  unto 
fructification  for  the  major  operation.  When  (pip!)  a  message 
interfering  intermitting  interskips  from  them  (pet!)  on  herzian 
waves,  (call  her  venicey  names!  call  her  a  stell!)  a  butterfly  from 
her  zipclasped  handbag,  a  wounded  dove  astarted  from,  escaping 
out  her  forecotes.  Isle  wail  for  yews,  O  doherlynt!  The  poetesser. 
And  around  its  scorched  cap  she  has  twilled  a  twine  of  flame  to 
let  the  laitiest  know  she's  marrid.  And  pim  it  goes  backballed.  Tot 
burns  it  so  leste.  A  claribel  cumbeck  to  errind.  Hers  before  his 
even,  posted  ere  penned.  He's  your  change,  thinkyou  methim. 
Go  daft  noon,  madden,  mind  the  step.  Please  stoop  O  to  please. 
Stop.  What  saying.'^  I  have  soreunder  from  to  him  now,  dear- 
mate  ashore,  so,  so  compleasely  till  I  can  get  redressed,  which 
means  the  end  of  my  stays  in  the  languish  of  Tintangle.  Is  you 
zealous  of  mes,  brother.'^  Did  you  boo  moiety  lowd.^  You  sup- 
poted  to  be  the  on  conditiously  rejected.'^  Satanly,  lade!  Can  that 
sobstufl",  whingeywilly!  Stop  up,  mavrone,  and  sit  in  my  lap, 
Pepette,  though  I'd  much  rather  not.  Like  things  are  m.  ds.  is  all 
in  vincibles.  Decoded. 

Now  a^run  for  his  money!  Now  a  dash  to  her  dot!  Old  cocker, 
young  crowy,  sifadda,  sosson.  A  bran  new,  speedhount,  out- 
stripperous  on  the  wind.  Like  a  waft  to  wingweary  one  or  a  sos 
to  a  coastguard.  For  directly  with  his  whoop,  stop  and  an  upa- 
lepsy  didando  a  tishy,  in  appreciable  less  time  than  it  takes  a 
glaciator  to  submerger  an  Atlangthis,  was  he  again,  agob,  before 
the  trembly  ones,  a  spark's  gap  ofl",  doubledasguesched,  gotten 
orlop  in  a  simplasailormade  and  shaking  the  storm  out  of  his 
hiccups.  The  smartest  vessel  you  could  find  would  elazilee  him 
on  her  knee  as  her  lucky  for  the  Rio  Grande.  He's  a  pigtail  tarr 

232 


) 

I 


ii 


j 

i 


and  if  he  hadn't  got  it  toothick  he'd  a  telltale  tall  of  his  pitcher 
on  a  wall  with  his  photure  in  the  papers  for  cutting  moutonlegs 
and  capers,  letting  on  he'd  jest  be  japers  and  his  tail  cooked  up. 
Goal!  It's  one  by  its  length. 

Angelinas,  hide  from  light  those  hues  that  your  sin  beau  may 
bring  to  light!  Though  down  to  your  dowerstrip  he's  bent  to 
knee  he  maun't  know  ledgings  here. 

For  a  haunting  way  will  go  and  you  need  not  make  your  mow. 
Find  the  frenge  for  frocks  and  translace  it  into  shocks  of  such  as 
touch  with  show  and  show. 

He  is  guessing  at  hers  for  all  he  is  worse,  the  seagoer.  Hark  to 
his  wily  geeses  goosling  by,  and  playfair,  lady !  And  note  that  they 
who  will  for  exile  say  can  for  dog  while  them  that  won't  leave 
ingle  end  says  now  for  know. 

For  he  faulters  how  he  hates  to  trouble  them  without. 

But  leaving  codhead's  mitre  and  the  heron's  plumes  sinistrant 
to  the  server  of  servants  and  rex  of  regums  and  making  a  bolder- 
dash  for  lubberty  of  speech  he  asks  not  have  you  seen  a  match 
being  struck  nor  is  this  powder  mine  but,  letting  punplays  pass 
to  ernest: 

—  Haps  thee  jaoneofergs.'^ 

—  Nao. 

—  Haps  thee  mayj aunties.'^ 

—  Naohao. 

—  Haps  thee  per  causes  nunsibellies.'^ 

—  Naohaohao. 

—  Asky,  asky,  asky!  Gau  on!  Micaco!  Get! 
Ping  an  ping  nwan  ping  pwan  pong. 

And  he  did  a  get,  their  anayance,  and  slink  his  hook  away, 
aleguere  come  alaguerre,  like  a  chimista  inchamisas,  whom  the 
harricana  hurries  and  hots  foots,  zingo,  zango,  segur.  To  hoots 
of  utskut,  urqurd,  jamal,  qum,  yallah,  yawash,  yak!  For  he  could 
ciappacioppachew  upon  a  skarp  snakk  of  pure  undefallen  engelsk, 
melanmoon  or  tartatortoise,  tsukisaki  or  soppisuppon,  as  raskly 
and  as  baskly  as  your  cheesechalk  cow  cudd  spanich.  Makoto! 
Whagta  kriowday!  Gelagala  nausy  is.  Yet  right  divining  do  not 

233 


was.  Hovobovo  hafogate  hokidimatzi  in  kamicha!  He  had  his 
sperrits  all  foulen  on  him;  to  vet,  most  griposly,  he  was  bedizzled 
and  debuzzled;  he  had  his  tristiest  cabaleer  on;  and  looked  like 
bruddy  Hal.  A  shelling  a  cockshy  and  be  donkey  shot  at.'*  Or  a 
peso  besant  to  join  the  armada.'^ 

But,  Sin  Showpanza,  could  anybroddy  which  walked  this  world 
with  eyes  whiteopen  have  looked  twinsorner  than  the  kerl  he  left 
behind  him.^  Candidatus,  viridosus,  aurilucens,  sinelab?  Of  all 
the  green  heroes  everwore  coton  breiches,  the  whitemost,  the 
goldenest!  How  he  stud  theirs  with  himselfs  mookst  kevinly,  and 
that  anterevolitionary,  the  churchman  childfather  from  tonsor's 
tuft  to  almonder's  toes,  a  haggiography  in  duotrigesumy,  son 
soptimost  of  sire  sixtusks,  of  Mayaqueenies  sign  osure,  hevnly 
buddhy  time,  inwreathed  of  his  near  cissies,  a  mickly  dazzly  eely 
oily  with  looiscurrals,  a  soulnetzer  by  zvesdals  priestessd,  their 
trail  the  tractive,  and  dem  dandypanies  knows  de  play  of  de  eye- 
lids, with  his  gamecox  spurts  and  his  smile  likequid  glue  (the 
suessiest  sourir  ever  weanling  wore),  whiles  his  host  of  spritties, 
lusspillerindernees,  they  went  peahenning  a  ripidarapidarpad 
around  him,  pilgrim  prinkips,  kerilour  kevinour,  in  neuchoristic 
congressulations,  quite  purringly  excited,  rpdrpd,  allauding  to 
him  by  all  the  licknames  in  the  litany  with  the  terms  in  which 
no  little  dulsy  nayer  ever  thinks  about  implying  except  to  her 
future's  year  and  sending  him  perfume  most  praypuffs  to  setis- 
fire  more  then  to  teasim  (shllwe  help,  now  youVe  massmuled, 
you  t'rigolect  a  bit.'^  yismik.'^  yimissy.'^)  that  he,  the  finehued,  the 
fairhailed,  the  farahead,  might  bouchesave  unto  each  but  every- 
one, asfar  as  safras  durst  assune,  the  havemercyonhurs  of  his 
kissier  licence.  Meanings:  Andure  the  enjurious  till  imbetther  rer. 
We  know  you  like  Latin  with  essies  impures,  (and  your  liber  as 
they  sea)  we  certney  like  gurgles  love  the  nargleygargley  so,  arrah- 
beejee,  tell  that  old  frankay  boyuk  to  bellows  upthe  tombucky  in 
his  tumtum  argan  and  give  us  a  gust  of  his  gushy  old.  Goof! 

Hyrnnumber  twentynine.  O,  the  singing!  Happy  little  girly- 
cums  to  have  adolphted  such  an  Adelphus!  O,  the  swinginging 
hopops  so  goholden!  They've  come  to  chant  en  chor.  They  say 

234 


I 


their  salat,  the  madiens'  prayer  to  the  messiager  of  His  Nabis, 
prostitating  their  selfs  eachwise  and  combinedly.  Fateha,  fold  the 
hands.  Be  it  honoured,  bow  the  head.  May  thine  evings  e'en  be 
blossful!  Even  of  bliss!  As  we  so  hope  for  ablution.  For  the  sake 
of  the  farbung  and  of  the  scent  and  of  the  holiodrops.  Amems. 

A  pause.  Their  orison  arises  misquewhite  as  Osman  glory,  ebb- 
ing wasteward,  leaves  to  the  soul  of  light  its  fading  silence  (allah- 
lah  lahlah  lah!),  a  turquewashed  sky.  Then: 

—  Xanthos!  Xanthos!  Xanthos!  We  thank  to  thine,  mighty 
innocent,  that  diddest  bring  it  off  fuitefuite.  Should  in  ofter  years 
it  became  about  you  will  after  desk  jobduty  becoming  a  bank  mid- 
land mansioner  we  and  I  shall  reside  with  our  obeisant  servants 
among  Burke's  mobility  at  La  Roseraie,  Ailesbury  Road.  Red 
bricks  are  alUiellishly  good  values  if  you  trust  to  the  roster  of  ads 
but  we!Il„sayejup  qurselve  and  nab  what's  nicest  and  boskiest  of 
timber  trees  in  the  nebohood.  Oncaill's  plot.  Luccombe  oaks, 
Turkish  hazels,  Greek  firs,  incense  palm  edcedras.  The  hypso- 
meters  of  Mount  Anville  is  held  to  be  dying  out  of  arthataxis  but, 
praise  send  Larix  U'  Thule,  the  wych  elm  of  Manelagh  is  still 
flourishing  in  the  open,  because  its  native  of  our  nature  and  the 
seeds  was  sent  by  Fortune.  We'll  have  our  private  palypeachum 
pillarposterns  for  lovesick  letterines  fondly  affianxed  to  our  front 
railings  and  swings,  hammocks,  tighttaught  balletlines,  accomoda- 
tionnooks  and  prismic  bathboites,  to  make  Envyeyes  mouth 
water  and  wonder  when  they  binocular  us  from  their  embrassured 
windows  in  our  garden  rare.  Fyat-Fyat  shall  be  our  number 
on  the  autokinaton  and  Chubby  in  his  Chuffs  oursforownly 
chuffeur.  T  will  be  waiting  for  uns  as  I  sold  U  at  the  first  antries. 
Our  cousin  gourmand,  Percy,  the  pup,  will  denounce  the  sniff- 
nomers  of  all  callers  where  among  our  Seemyease  Sister,  Tabitha, 
the  ninelived,  will  extend  to  the  full  her  hearthy  welcome.  While 
the  turf  and  twigs  they  tattle.  Tintin  tintin.  Lady  Marmela  Short- 
bred  will  walk  in  for  supper  with  her  marchpane  switch  on,  her 
necklace  of  almonds  and  her  poirette  Sundae  dress  with  bracelets 
of  honey  and  her  cochineal  hose  with  the  caramel  dancings,  the 
briskly  best  from  Bootiestown,  and  her  suckingstaff  of  ivory- 

235 


mint.  You  mustn't  miss  it  or  you'll  be  sorry.  Charmeuses  chloes, 
glycering  juwells,  lydialight  fans  and  puffumed  cynarettes.  And 
the  Prince  Le  Monade  has  been  graciously  pleased.  His  six  choco- 
late pages  will  run  bugling  before  him  and  Cococream  toddle 
after  with  his  sticksword  in  a  pink  cushion.  We  think  His  Spark- 
ling Headiness  ought  to  know  Lady  Marmela.  Luisome  his  for 
lissome  hers.  He's  not  going  to  Cork  till  Cantalamesse  or  may- 
hope  till  Rose  Easter  or  Saint  Tibbie's  Day.  So  Niomon  knows. 
The  Fomor's  in  his  Fin,  the  Momor's  her  and  hin.  A  paaralone ! 
A  paaralone!  And  Dublin's  all  adin.  We'll  sing  a  song  of  Single- 
month  and  you'll  too  and  you'll.  Here  are  notes.  There's  the  key. 
One  two  three.  Chours !  So  come  on,  ye  wealthy  gentrymen  wib- 
frufrocksfull  of  fun!  Thin  thin!  Thin  thin!  Thej  oily  and  thel 
ively,  thou  billy  with  thee  coo,  for  to  jog  a  jig  of  a  crispness  nice 
and  sing  a  missal  too.  Hip  champouree!  Hiphip  champouree!  O 
you  longtailed  blackman,  polk  it  up  behind  me !  Hip  champouree ! 
Hiphip  champouree!  And,  jessies,  push  the  pumkik  round.  Anne- 
liuia! 

Since  the  days  of  Roamaloose  and  Rehmoose  the  pavanos  have 
been  strident  through  their  struts  of  Chapelldiseut,  the  vaulsies 
have  meed  and  youdled  through  the  purly  ooze  of  Ballybough, 
many  a  mismy  cloudy  has  tripped  taintily  along  that  hercourt 
strayed  reelway  and  the  rigadoons  have  held  ragtimed  revels  on 
the  platauplain  of  Grangegorman;  and,  though  since  then  ster- 
lings and  guineas  have  been  replaced  by  brooks  and  lions  and 
some  progress  has  been  made  on  stilts  and  the  races  have  come 
and  gone  and  Thyme,  that  chef  of  seasoners,  has  made  his  usual 
astewte  use  of  endadjustables  and  whatnot  willbe  isnor  was,  those 
danceadeils  and  cancanzanies  have  come  stimmering  down  for  our 
begayment  through  the  bedeafdom  of  po's  taeorns,  the  obcecity 
of  pa's  teapucs,  as  lithe  and  limbfree  limber  as  when  momie 
mummed  at  ma. 

Just  so  stylled  with  the  nattes  are  their  flowerheads  now  and 
each  of  all  has  a  lovestalk  onto  herself  and  the  tot  of  all  the  tits  of 
their  understamens  is  as  open  as  he  can  posably  she  and  is  toume- 
soled  straightcut  or  sidewaist,  accourdant  to  the  coursets  of 

236 


things  feminite,  towooerds  him  in  heliolatry,  so  they  may  catch- 
cup  in  their  calyzettes,  alls  they  go  troping,  those  parryshoots 
from  his  muscalone  pistil,  for  he  can  eyespy  through  them,  to 
their  selfcolours,  nevertheleast  their  tissue  peepers,  (meaning 
Mullabury  mesh,  the  time  of  appling  flowers,  a  guarded  figure 
of  speech,  a  variety  of  perfume,  a  bridawl,  seamist  inso  one)  as 
leichdy  as  see  saw  (O  my  goodmiss!  O  my  greatmess!  O  my 
prizelestly  preshoes!)  while,  dewyfully  as  dimb  dumbelles,  all 
alisten  to  his  elixir.  Lovelyt! 
And  they  said  to  him: 

—  Enchainted,  dear  sweet  Stainusless,  young  confessor,  dearer  ;h 
dearest,  we  herehear,  aboutobloss,  O  coelicola,  thee  salutamt.  P 
Pattern  of  our  unschoold,  paggsBtmaster,  deE^^exer  of  softmis- 
sives,  round  the  world  in  fpriy^mails,  bag,  belt  and  balmybeam, 
our  barnaboy,  our  chepachap,  with  that  pampipe  in  your  put- 
away,  gab  borab,  when  you  will  be  after  doing  all  your  sight- 
seeing and  soundhearing  and  smellsniffing  and  tastytasting  and 
tenderumstouchings  in  all  Daneygaul,  send  us,  your  adorables, 
thou  overblaseed,  ajwise  and  letters  play  of  all  you  can  ceive, 
chief  celtech  chappy,  from  yom:,  holy  post  now  you  hast  as- 
certained ceremonially  our  names.  Unclean  you  art  not.  Outcaste 
thou  are  not.  Leperstower,  the  karman's  loki,  has  not  blanched 
at  our  goliutipn  and  your  intercourse  at  ninety  legsplits  does  not 
defile.  Untouchable  is  not  the  scarecrown  is  on  you.  You  are 
pure.  You  are  pure.  You  are  in  your  puerity.  You  have  not 
brought  stinking  members  into  the  house  of  Amanti.  Elleb  Inam, 
Titep  Notep,  we  name  them  to  the  Hall  of  Honour.  Your  head 
has  been  touched  by  the  god  Enel-Rah  and  your  face  has  been 
brightened  by  the  goddess  Aruc-Ituc.  Return,  sainted  youngling, 
and  walk  once  more  among  us !  The  rains  of  Demani  are  masikal 
as  of  yere.  And  Baraza  is  all  aflower.  Siker  of  calmy  days.  As 
shiver  as  shower  can  be.  Our  breed  and  better  class  is  in  brood 
and  bitter  pass.  Labbeycliath  longs.  But  we're  counting  on  the 
cluck.  The  Great  Cackler  comes  again.  Sweetstaker,  Abel  lord  of 
all  our  haloease,  we  (to  be  slightly  more  femmiliar  perhips  than  is 
slickly  more  then  nacessory),  toutes  philomelas  as  well  as  mag- 

237 


delenes,  were  drawpairs  with  two  pinmarks,  BVD  and  BVD  dot, 
so  want  lotteries  of  ticklets  posthastem  (you  appreciate?)  so  as  to 
be  very  dainty,  if  an  isaspell,  and  so  as  to  be  verily  dandydainty, 
if  an  ishibilley,  of  and  on,  to  and  for,  by  and  with,  from  you. 
Let  the  hitback  hurry  his  wayward  ere  the  missive  has  time  to 
take  herself  off,  'twill  be  o'erthemore  willfully  intomeet  if  the 
coming  offence  can  send  our  shudders  before.  We  feem  to  have 
being  elfewhere  as  tho'  th*  had  pafs'd  in  our  fufpens.  Next 
to  our  shrinking  selves  we  love  sensitivas  best.  For  they  are 
the  Angles.  Brick,  fauve,  jonquil,  sprig,  fleet,  nocturne,  smiling 
bruise.  For  they  are  an  Angele's  garment.  We  will  be  constant 
(what  a  word!)  and  bless  the  day,  for  whole  hours  too,  yes,  for 
sold  long  syne  as  we  shall  be  being  in  our  created  being  of  ours 
elvishness,  the  day  you  befell,  you  dreadful  temptation!  Now 
promisus  as  at  our  requisted  you  will  remain  ignorant  of  all  what 
you  hear  and,  though  if  whilst  disrobing  to  the  edge  of  risk,  (the 
bisifings  in  idolhours  that  satinfines  tootoo !)  draw  a  veil  till  we 
next  time!  You  don't  want  to  peach  but  bejimboed  if  ye  do! 
Perhelps.  We  ernst  too  may.  How  many  months  or  how  many 
years  till  the  myriadth  and  first  become!  Bashfulness  be  tupped! 
May  he  colp,  may  he  colp  her,  may  he  mixandmass  colp  her! 
Talk  with  a  hare  and  you  wake  of  a  tartars.  That's  mus.  Says  the 
Law.  List!  Kicky  Lacey,  the  pervergined,  and  Bianca  Mutantini, 
her  conversa,  drew  their  fools  longth  finnishfurst,  Herzog  van 
Vellentam,  but  me  and  meother  ravin,  my  coosine  of  mine,  have 
mour  good  three  chancers,  weothers,  after  Bohnaparts.  The 
mything  smile  of  me,  my  wholesole  assumption,  shes  nowt  me- 
without  as  weam  twin  herewithin,  that  I  love  like  myselfish,  like 
smithereens  robinsongs,  like  juneses  nutslost,  like  the  blue  of  the 
sky  if  I  stoop  for  to  spy's  between  my  whiteyoumightcallimbs. 
How  their  duel  makes  their  triel!  Eer's  wax  for  Sur  Soord,  dong- 
dong  bollets  for  the  iris  riflers,  queemswellth  of  coocome  in  their 
combs  for  the  jennyjos.  Caro  caressimus!  Honey  swarns  where 
mellisponds.  Will  bee  all  buzzy  one  another  minnies  for  the  mere 
effect  that  you  are  so  fuld  of  pollen  yourself.  Teomeo!  Daurdour! 
We  feel  unspeechably  thoughtless  over  it  all  here  in  Gizzygazelle 

238 


Tark's  bimboowood  so  pleasekindly  communicake  with  the 
original  sinse  we  are  only  yearning  as  yet  how  to  burgeon.  It's 
meant  milliems  of  centiments  deadlost  or  mislaid  on  them  but, 
master  of  snakes,  we  can  sloughchange  in  the  nip  of  a  napple 
solongas  we  can  allsee  for  deedsetton  your  quick.  By  the  hook 
in  your  look  we're  eyed  for  aye  were  you  begging  the  questuan 
with  your  lutean  bowl  round  Monkmesserag.  And  whenever 
you're  tingling  in  your  trout  we're  sure  to  be  tangled  in  our  tice- 
ments.  It's  game,  ma  chere,  be  off  with  your  shepherdress  on!  Up- 
some  Cauda !  Behose  our  handmades  for  the  lured !  To  these  nunce 
we  are  but  yours  in  ammatures  yet  well  come  that  day  we  shall  ope 
to  be  ores.  Then  shalt  thou  see,  seeing,  the  sight.  No  more  hoax- 
ites!  Nay  more  gifting  in  mennage!  A  her's  fancy  for  a  his  friend 
and  then  that  fellow  yours  after  this  follow  ours.  Vania,  Vania 
Vaniorum,  Domne  Vanias! 

Hightime  is  ups  be  it  down  into  outs  according!  When  there 
shall  be  foods  for  vermin  as  full  as  feeds  for  the  fett,  eat  on  earth 
as  there's  hot  in  oven.  When  every  Klitty  of  a  scolderymeid  shall 
hold  every  yardscullion's  right  to  stimm  her  uprecht  for  whimso- 
ever,  whether  on  privates,  whather  in  publics.  And  when  all  us 
romance  catholeens  shall  have  ones  for  all  amanseprated.  And  the 
world  is  maidfree.  Methanks.  So  much  for  His  Meignysthy  man! 
And  all  his  bigyttens.  So  till  Coquette  to  tell  Cockotte  to  teach 
Connie  Curley  to  touch  Cattie  Hayre  and  tip  Carminia  to  tap  La 
Cherie  though  where  the  diggings  he  dwellst  amongst  us  here's 
nobody  knows  save  Mary.  Whyfor  we  go  ringing  hands  in  hands 
in  gyrogyrorondo. 

These  bright  elects,  consentconsorted,  they  were  waltzing  up 
their  willside  with  their  princesome  handsome  angeline  chiuff  h  ( 
while  in  those  wherebus  there  wont  bears  way  (mearing  un-  5^ 
known,  a  place  where  pigeons  carry  fire  to  seethe  viands,  a  miry 
hill,  beige  end  sore  footh)  oaths  and  screams  and  bawley  groans 
with  a  belchybubhub  and  a  hellabelow  bedemmed  and  bediabbled 
the  arimaining  lucisphere.  Helldsdend,  whelldselse!  Lonedom's 
breach  lay  foulend  up  uncouth  not  be  broched  by  punns  and 
reedles.  Yet  the  ring  gayed  rund  rorosily  with  a  drat  for  a  brat 

239 


you.  Yasha  Yash  ate  sassage  and  mash.  So  he  found  he  bash,  poor 
Yasha  Yash.  And  you  wonna  make  one  of  our  micknick  party. 
No  honaryhuest  on  our  sposhialiste.  For  poor  Glugger  was  dazed 
and  late  in  his  crave,  ay  he,  laid  in  his  grave. 

But  low,  boys  low,  he  rises,  shrivering,  with  his  spittyful  eyes 
and  his  whoozebecome  woice.  Ephthah!  Cisamis!  Examen  of 
conscience  scruples  now  he  to  the  best  of  his  memory  schemado. 
Nu  mere  for  ever  siden  on  the  stolen.  With  his  tumescinquinance 
in  the  thight  of  his  tumstuU.  No  more  singing  all  the  dags  in 
his  sengaggeng.  Experssly  at  hand  counterhand.  Trinitatis  kink 
had  mudded  his  dome,  peccat  and  pent  fore,  pree.  Hymserf, 
munchaowl,  maden,  born  of  thug  tribe  into  brood  blackmail,  dooly 
redecant  allbigenesis  henesies.  He,  by  bletchendmacht  of  the  golls, 
proforhim  penance  and  come  off  entematural.  He,  selfsufficiencer, 
eggscumuddher- in -chaff  sporticolorissimo,  what  though  the 
duthsthrows  in  his  lavabad  eyes,  maketomake  polentay  rossum, 
(Good  savours  queen  with  the  stem  of  swuith  Aftreck!  Fit  for 
king  of  Zundas)  out  of  bianconies,  hiking  ahake  like  any  nudge- 
meroughgorude  all  over  Terracuta.  No  more  throw  acids,  face  all 
lovabilities,  appeal  for  the  union  and  play  for  tirnitys.  He,  praise 
Saint  Calembaurnus,  make  clean  breastsack  of  goody  girl  now  as 
ever  drank  milksoep  from  a  spoen,  weedhearted  boy  of  potter  and 
mudder,  chip  of  old  Flinn  the  Flinter,  twig  of  the  hider  that  tanned 
him.  He  go  calaboosh  all  same  he  tell  him  out.  Teufleuf  man  he 
strip  him  all  mussymussy  calico  blong  him  all  same  he  tell  him  all 
out  how  he  make  what  name.  He,  through  wolkenic  connection, 
relation  belong  this  remarklable  moliman,  Anaks  Andrum,  parley- 
glutton  pure  blood  Jebusite,  centy  procent  Erserum  spoking. 
Drugmallt  storehuse.  Intrance  on  back.  Most  open  on  the  lay- 
days. He,  A.  A.,  in  peachskin  shantungs,  possible,  sooth  to  say, 
notwithstanding  far  former  guiles  and  he  gaining  fish  consider- 
able, by  saving  grace  after  avalunch,  to  look  most  prophitable 
out  of  smily  skibluh  eye.  He  repeat  of  him  as  pious  alios  cos  he 
ast  for  shave  and  haircut  people  said  he'd  shape  of  hegoat  where 
he  just  was  sheep  of  herrgott  with  his  tile  togged.  Top.  Not  true 
what  chronicles  is  bringing  his  portemanteau  priamed  full  potato- 

240 


wards.  Big  dumm  crumm  digaditchies  say  short  again  akter,  even 
while  lossassinated  by  summan,  he  coaxyorum  a  pennysilvers 
ofFarings  bloadonages  widi  candid  zuckers  on  Spinshesses  Walk 
in  presents  to  lilithe  maidinettes  for  at  bloo  his  noose  for  him 
with  pruriest  pollygameous  inatentions,  he  having  that  pecuni- 
arity  ailmint  spectacularly  in  heather  cliff  emurgency  on  gale 
days  because  souffrant  chronic  from  a  plentitude  of  house  torts. 
Collosul  rhodomantic  not  wert  one  bronze  lie  Scholarina  say  as 
he,  greyed  vike  cuddlepuUer,  walk  in  her  sleep  his  pig  indicks 
weg  femtyfem  funts.  Of  so  little  is  her  timentrousnest  great  for 
greeting  his  immensesness.  Sutt  soonas  sett  they  were,  her  uyes 
as  his  auroholes.  Kaledvalch!  How  could  one  classically.'^  One 
could  naught  critically.  Ininest  lightingshaft  only  for  lovalit 
smugpipe,  his  Mistress  Mereshame,  of  cupric  tresses,  the  form-  v^^ 
white  foaminine,  the  ambersandalled,  after  Aasdocktor  Talop's 
onamuttony  legture.  A  mish,  holy  balm  of  seinsed  myrries,  he  is 
as  good  as  a  mountain  and  everybody  what  is  found  of  his  gients  ^  h 

he  knew  Meistral  Wikingson,  furframed  Noordwogen's  kampf-  '  '  ^  ' 
ten,  with  complexion  of  blushing  dolomite  fanned  by  ozeone 
brisees,  what  naver  saw  his  bedshead  farrer  and  nuver  met  his 
swigamore,  have  his  ignomen  from  prima  signation  of  being 
Master  Milchku,  queerest  man  in  the  benighted  queendom,  and, 
adcraft  aidant,  how  he  found  the  kids.  Other  accuse  him  as 
lochkneeghed  forsunkener,  dope  in  stockknob,  all  ameltingmoult 
after  rhomatism,  purely  simply  tammy  ratkins.  The  kurds  of 
Copt  on  the  berberutters  and  their  bedaweens!  Even  was  Shes 
whole  begeds  off  before  all  his  nahars  in  the  koldbethizzdryel.  No 
gudth!  Not  one  zouz!  They  whiteliveried  ragsups,  two  Whales  of 
the  Sea  of  Deceit,  they  bloodiblabstard  shooters,  three  Drome- 
daries of  the  Sands  of  Calumdonia.  As  is  note  worthies  to  shock 
his  hind!  Ur  greeft  on  them!  Such  askors  and  their  ruperts  they 
are  putting  in  for  more  osghirs  is  alse  false  liarnels.  The  frocken- 
halted  victims!  Whore  affirm  is  agains  sempry  Lotta  Karssens. 
They  would  lick  their  lenses  before  they  would  negatise  a  jom  '>^J  ^ 
petter  from  his  sodalites.  In  his  contrary  and  on  reality,  which 
Bichop  Babwith  bares  to  his  whitness  in  his  Just  a  Ficadon  of 

241 


Villumses^  this  Mr  Heer  Assassor  Neelson,  of  sorestate  hearing, 
diseased,  formarly  with  Adenoiks,  den  feed  all  lighty,  laxtleap 
great  change  of  retiring  family  buckler,  highly  accurect  in  his 
everythinks,  from  tencents  coupoU  to  bargain  basement,  live  with 
howthold  of  nummer  seven,  wideawake,  woundabout,  wokin- 
betts,  weeklings,  in  black  velvet  on  geolgian  mission  senest  mangy 
years  his  rear  in  the  lane  pictures,  blanking  same  with  autonaut 
and  annexes  and  got  a  daarlingt  babyboy  bucktooth,  the  thick  of 
a  gobstick,  coming  on  ever  so  nerses  nursely,  gracies  to  goodess, 
at  8i.i/That  why  all  parks  up  excited  about  his  gunnfodder.  That 
why  ecrazyaztecs  and  the  crime  ministers  preaching  him  morn- 
ings and  makes  a  power  of  spoon  vittles  out  of  his  praverbs.  That 
why  he,  persona  erecta,  glycorawman  arsenicful  femorniser,  for 
a  trial  by  julias,  in  celestial  sunhat,  with  two  purses  agitatating 
his  theopot  with  wokklebout  shake,  rather  incoherend,  from  one 
1 8  to  one  i8  biss,  young  shy  gay  youngs.  Sympoly  far  infusing 
up  pritty  tipidities  to  lock  up  their  rhainodaisies  and  be  nice 
and  twainty  in  the  shade.  Old  grand  tuttut  toucher  up  of  young 
poetographies  and  he  turn  aroundabrupth  red  altfrumpishly  like 
hear  samhar  tionnor  falls  some  make  one  noise.  It's  his  last  lap, 
Gigantic,  fare  him  weal!  Revelation!  A  fact.  True  bill.  By  a  jury 
of  matrons.  Hump  for  humbleness,  dump  for  dirts.  And,  to  make 
a  long  stoney  badder  and  a  whorly  show  a  parfect  sight,  his  Thing 
went  the  wholyway  retup  Suffrogate  Strate. 

Helpmeat  too,  contrasta  toga,  his  fiery  goosemother,  laotsey 
taotsey,  woman  who  did,  he  tell  princes  of  the  age  about.  You 
sound  on  me,  judges!  Suppose  we  brisken  up.  Kings!  Meet  the 
Mem,  Avenlith,  all  viviparous  out  of  couple  of  lizards.  She  just  as 
fenny  as  he  is  fulgar.  How  laat  soever  her  latest  still  her  sawlogs 
come  up  all  standing.  Psing  a  psalm  of  psexpeans,  apocryphul  of 
rhyme!  His  cheekmole  of  allaph  foriverever  her  allinall  and  his 
Kuran  never  teachit  her  the  be  the  owner  of  thyself.  So  she  not 
swop  her  eckcot  hjem  for  Howarden's  Castle,  Englandwales.  But 
be  the  alleance  of  iern  on  his  flamen  vestacoat,  the  fibule  of  brooch- 
bronze  to  his  wintermantle  of  pointefox.  Who  not  knows  she,  the 
Madame  Cooley-Couley,  spawife  to  laird  of  manna,  when  first 

242 


I 


come  into  the  pictures  more  as  hundreads  elskerelks'  yahrds  of 
annams  call  away,  factory  fresh  and  fiuming  at  the  mouth,  wronged 
by  Hwemwednoget  (magrathmagreeth,  he  takable  a  rap  for  that 
early  party)  and  whenceforward  Ani  Mama  and  her  fiertey 
bustles  terrified  of  gmere  gnomes  of  gmountains  and  furibound 
to  be  back  in  her  mytinbeddy?  Schi  schi,  she  feightened  allsouls 
at  pignpugn  and  gets  a  pan  in  her  stummi  from  the  pialabellars 
in  their  pur  war.  Yet  jackticktating  all  around  her  about  his  poor- 
liness  due  to  pannellism  and  grime  for  that  he  harboured  her  when 
feme  sole,  her  zoravarn  Ihorde  and  givnergenral,  and  led  her  in 
antient  consort  ruhm  and  bound  her  durant  coverture  so  as  she 
could  not  steal  from  him,  oz  her  or  damman,  so  as  if  ever  she's 
beleaved  by  checkenbrooth  death  since  both  was  parties  to  the 
feed  it's  Hetman  MacCumhal  foots  the  funeral.  Mealwhile  she 
nutre  him  jacent  from  her  elmer's  almsdish,  giantar  and  tschaina 
as  sieme  as  bibrondas  with  Foli  Signur's  tinner  roumanschy  to 
fishle  the  ladwigs  out  of  his  lugwags,  like  a  skittering  kitty 
skattering  hayels,  when  his  favourites  were  all  beruffled  on  him 
and  her  own  undesirables  justickulating,  it  was  such  a  blowick 
day.  Winden  wanden  wild  like  wenchen  wenden  wanton.  The 
why  if  he  but  would  bite  and  plug  his  baccypipes  and  renownse 
the  devlins  in  all  their  pumbs  and  kip  the  streelwarkers  out  of 
the  plague  and  nettleses  milk  from  sickling  the  honeycoombe 
and  kop  Ulo  Bubo  selling  foulty  treepes,  she  would  make  massa 
dinars  with  her  savuneer  dealinsh  and  delicate  her  nutbrown 
glory  cloack  to  Mayde  Berenice  and  hang  herself  in  Ostmanns- 
town  Saint  Megan's  and  make  no  more  mulierage  before  ma- 
hatmas  or  moslemans,  but  would  ondulate  her  shookerloft  hat 
from  Alpoleary  with  a  viv  baselgia  and  a  clamast  apotria  like  any 
purple  cardinal's  princess  or  woman  of  the  grave  word  to  the 
papal  legate  from  the  Vatucum,  Monsaigneur  Rabbinsohn  Crucis, 
with  an  ass  of  milg  to  his  cowmate  and  chilterlings  on  account 
of  all  he  quaqueduxed  for  the  hnor  of  Hrom  and  the  nations 
abhord  him  and  wop  mezzo  scudo  to  Sant  Pursy  Orelli  that  gave 
Luiz-Marios  Josephs  their  loyal  devouces  to  be  offered  up  missas 
for  vowts  for  widders. 

243 


Hear,  O  worldwithout!  Tiny  tattling!  Backwoods,  be  wary! 
Daintytrees,  go  dutch! 

But  who  comes  yond  with  pire  on  poletop?  He  who  relights 
our  spearing  torch,  the  moon.  Bring  lolave  branches  to  mud 
cabins  and  peace  to  the  tents  of  Ceder,  Neomenie !  The  feast  of 
Tubboumigglers  is  at  hand.  Shopshup.  Inisfail!  Timple  temple 
tells  the  bells.  In  syngagyng  a  sangasongue.  For  all  in  Ondslos- 
by.  And,  the  hag  they  damename  Coverfew  hists  from  her  lane. 
And  haste,  'tis  time  for  bairns  ta  hame.  Chickchilds,  comeho  to 
roo.  Comehome  to  roo,  wee  chickchilds  doo,  when  the  wild- 
worewolf 's  abroad.  Ah,  let's  away  and  let's  gay  and  let's  stay 
chez  where  the  log  foyer's  burning!  Xv)V3>f  jt>ur\^-^ 

It  darkles,  (tinct,  tint)  all  this  our  funnaminal  world.  Yon 
marshpond  by  ruodmark  verge  is  visited  by  the  tide.  Alvem- 
marea!  We  are  circumveiloped  by  obscuritads.  Man  and  belves 
frieren.  There  is  a  wish  on  them  to  be  not  doing  or  anything.  Or 
just  for  rugs.  Zoo  koud!  Drr,  deff,  coal  lay  on  and,  pzz,  call  us 
pyrress !  Ha.  Where  is  our  highly  honourworthy  salutable  spouse- 
founderess?  The  foolish  one  of  the  family  is  within.  Haha!  Huzoor, 
where's  he.'^  At  house,  to's  pitty.  With  Nancy  Hands.  Tcheetchee! 
Hound  through  the  maize  has  fled.  What  hou!  Isegrim  under 
lolling  ears.  Far  wol!  And  wheaten  bells  bide  breathless.  All.  The 
trail  of  Gill  not  yet  is  to  be  seen,  rocksdrops,  up  benn,  down 
dell,  a  craggy  road  for  rambling.  Nor  yet  through  starland  that 
silver  sash.  What  era's  o'ering.'^  Lang  gong  late.  Say  long,  scielo ! 
Sillume,  see  lo!  Selene,  sail  01  Amune!  Ark!.^  Noh.^^!  Nought 
stirs  in  spinney.  The  swayful  pathways  of  the  dragonfly  spider 
stay  still  in  reedery.  Quiet  takes  back  her  folded  fields.  Tranquille 
thanks.  Adew.  In  deerhaven,  imbraced,  alleged,  injoynted  and 
unlatched,  the  birds,  tommelise  too,  quail  silent,  ii.  Luathan.'* 
Nuathan!  Was  avond  ere  a  while.  Now  conticinium.  As  Lord 
the  Laohun  is  sheutseuyes.  The  time  of  lying  together  will  come 
and  the  wildering  of  the  nicht  till  cockeedoodle  aubens  Aurore. 
Panther  monster.  Send  leabarrow  loads  amorrow.  While  loevdom 
shleeps.  Elenfant  has  siang  his  triump.  Great  is  Eliphas  Magis- 
trodontos  and  after  kneeprayer  pious  for  behemuth  and  mahamoth 

244 


will  rest  him  from  tusker  toils.  Salamsalaim!  Rhinohorn  isnoutso 
pigfellow  but  him  ist  gonz  wurst.  Kikikuki.  Hopopodorme.  So- 
beast!  No  chare  of  beagles,  frantling  of  peacocks,  no  muzzing  of 
the  camel,  smuttering  of  apes.  Lights,  pageboy,  lights!  Brights 
we'll  be  brights.  With  help  of  Hanoukan's  lamp.  When  otter 
leaps  in  outer  parts  then  Yul  remembers  Mei.  Her  hung  maid 
mohns  are  bluming,  look,  to  greet  those  loes  on  coast  of  amethyst; 
arcglow's  seafire  Siemens  lure  and  wextward  warnerforth's  hooker- 
crookers.  And  now  with  robby  brerfox's  fishy  fable  lissaned  out, 
the  threads  simwhat  toran  and  knots  in  its  antargumends,  the 
pesciolines  in  LifFeyetta's  bowl  have  stopped  squiggling  about 
Junoh  and  the  whalk  and  feriaquintaism  and  pebble  infinibility 
and  the  poissission  of  the  hoghly  course.  And  if  Lubbernabohore 
laid  his  horker  to  the  ribber,  save  the  giregargoh  and  dabardin 
going  on  in  his  mount  of  knowledge  (munt),  he  would  not  hear 
a  flip  flap  in  all  Finnyland.  Witchman,  watch  of  your  night.^  Es 
voes,  ez  noes,  nott  voes,  ges,  noun.  It  goes.  It  does  not  go.  Dark- 
park's  acoo  with  sucking  loves.  Rosimund's  by  her  wishing  well. 
Soon  tempt-in-twos  will  stroll  at  venture  and  hunt-by-threes  strut 
musketeering.  Brace  of  girdles,  brasse  of  beauys.  With  the  width 
of  the  way  for  jogjoy.  Hulker's  cieclest  elbownunsense.  Hold 
hard!  And  his  dithering  dathering  waltzers  of.  Stright!  But  meet- 
ings mate  not  as  forsehn.  Hesperons!  And  if  you  wand  to  Liv- 
mouth,  wenderer,  while  Jempson's  weed  decks  Jacqueson's  Island, 
here  lurks,  bar  hellpelhullpulthebell,  none  iron  welcome.  Bing. 
Bong.  Bangbong.  Thunderation !  You  took  with  the  mulligrubs 
and  we  lack  mulsum.'^  No  sirrebob!  Great  goodness,  no!  Were 
you  Marely  quean  of  Scuts  or  but  Chrestien  the  Last,  (our  duty 
to  you,  chris!  royalty,  squat!)  how  matt  your  mark,  though 
luked  your  johl,  here's  dapplebellied  mugs  and  troublebedded 
rooms  and  sawdust  strown  in  expectoration  and  for  ratification  by 
specification  of  your  information,  Mr  Knight,  tuntapster,  buttles; 
his  alefru's  up  to  his  hip.  And  Watsy  Lyke  sees  after  all  rinsings 
and  don't  omiss  Kate,  homeswab  homely,  put  in  with  the  bricks. 
A's  the  sign  and  one's  the  number.  Where  Chavvyout  Chacer 
calls  the  cup  and  Pouropourim  stands  astirrup.  De  oud  huis  bij 

245 


de  kerkegaard.  So  who  over  comes  ever  for  Whoopee  Weeks 
must  put  up  with  the  Jug  and  Chambers. 

But  heed!  Our  thirty  minutes  war's  alull.  All's  quiet  on  the 
felled  of  Gorey.  Between  the  starfort  and  the  thornwood  brass 
castle  flambs  with  mutton  candles.  Hushkah,  a  horn!  Gadolmag- 
tog!  God  es  El.^  Housefather  calls  enthreateningly.  From  Bran- 
denborgenthor.  At  Asa's  arthre.  In  thundercloud  periwig.  With 
lightning  bug  aflash  from  afinger.  My  souls  and  by  jings,  should 
he  work  his  jaw  to  give  down  the  banks  and  hark  from  the  tomb ! 
Ansighosa  pokes  in  her  potstill  to  souse  at  the  sop  be  sodden 
enow  and  to  hear  to  all  the  bubbles  besaying:  the  coming  man,  the 
future  woman,  the  food  that  is  to  build,  what  he  with  fifteen  years 
will  do,  the  ring  in  her  mouth  of  joyous  guard,  stars  astir  and 
stirabout.  A  palashe  for  hirs,  a  saucy  for  hers  and  ladlelike  spoons 
for  the  wonner.  But  ein  and  twee  were  never  worth  three.  So  they 
must  have  their  final  since  he's  on  parole.  Et  la  pau'  Leonie  has  the 
choice  of  her  lives  between  Josephinus  and  Mario-Louis  for  who 
is  to  wear  the  lily  of  Bohemey,  Florestan,  Thaddeus,  Hardress  or 
Myles.  And  lead  raptivity  captive.  Ready!  Like  a  Finn  at  a  fair. 
Now  for  la  belle !  Icy-la-Belle ! 

The  campus  calls  them.  Ninan  ninan,  the  gattling  gan!  Childs 
will  be  wilds.  'Twastold.  And  vamp,  vamp,  vamp,  the  girls  are 
merchand.  The  horseshow  magnete  draws  his  field  and  don't  the 
fillyings  fly.'^  Educande  of  Sorrento,  they  newknow  knowwell 
their  Vico's  road.  Arranked  in  their  array  and  flocking  for  the 
fray  on  that  old  orangeray,  Dolly  Brae.  For  these  are  not  on 
terms,  they  twain,  bartrossers,  since  their  baffle  of  Whatalose 
when  Adam  Leftus  and  the  devil  took  our  hindmost,  gegifting 
her  with  his  painapple,  nor  will  not  be  atoned  at  all  in  fight  to 
no  finish,  that  dark  deed  doer,  this  wellwilled  wooer,  Jerkoff  and 
Eatsoup,  Yem  or  Yan,  while  felixed  is  who  culpas  does  and  harm's 
worth  healing  and  Brune  is  bad  French  for  Jour  d'Anno.  Tiggers 
and  Tuggers  they're  all  for  tenzones.  Bettlimbraves.  For  she  must 
walk  out.  And  it  must  be  with  who.  Teaseforhim.  Toesforhim. 
Tossforhim.  Two.  Else  there  is  danger  of.  Solitude. 

Postreintroducing  Jeremy,  the  chastenot  coulter,  the  flowing 

246 


taal  that  brooks  no  brooking  runs  on  to  say  how,  as  it  was 
mutualiter  foretold  of  him  by  a  timekiller  to  his  spacemaker,  velos 
ambos  and  arubyat  knychts,  with  their  tales  within  wheels  and 
stucks  between  spokes,  on  the  hike  from  Elmstree  to  Stene  and 
back,  how,  running  awage  with  the  use  of  reason  (sics)  and 
ramming  amok  at  the  brake  of  his  voice  (sees),  his  lasterhalft 
was  set  for  getting  the  besterwhole  of  his  yougendtougend,  for 
control  number  thrice  was  operating  the  subliminal  of  his  invaded 
personality.  He  nobit  smorfi  and  go  poltri  and  let  all  the  tondo 
gang  bola  del  ruffo.  Barto  no  know  him  mor.  Eat  larto  altruis 
with  most  perfect  stranger. 

Boo,  you're  through! 

Hoo,  Fm  true! 

Men,  teacan  a  tea  simmering,  hamo  mavrone  kerry  O.'^ 
Teapotty.  Teapotty. 

Kod  knows.  Anything  ruind.  Meetingless. 

He  wept  indeiterum.  With  such  a  tooth  he  seemed  to  love  his 
wee  tart  when  abuy.  Highly  momourning  he  see  the  before  him. 
Melained  from  nape  to  kneecap  though  vied  from  her  girders  up. 
Holy  Santalto,  cursing  saint,  sight  most  deletious  to  ross  up  the 
spyballs  like  exude  of  margary!  And  how  him  it  heaviered  that 
eyerim  rust!  An  they  bare  falls  witless  against  thee  how  slight 
becomes  a  hidden  wound?  Soldwoter  he  wash  him  all  time  big- 
feller  bruisy  place  blong  him.  He  no  want  missies  blong  all  boy 
other  look  bruisy  place  blong  him.  Hence.  It  will  paineth  the 
chastenot  in  that  where  of  his  whence  he  had  loseth  his  once  for 
every,  even  though  mode  grow  moramor  maenneritsch  and  the 
Tarara  boom  decay.  Immaculacy,  give  but  to  drink  to  his  shirt 
and  all  skirtaskortas  must  change  her  tunics.  So  warred  he  from 
first  to  last,  forebanned  and  betweenly,  a  smuggler  for  lifer.  Lift 
the  blank  ve  veered  as  heil!  Split  the  hvide  and  aye  seize  heaven! 
He  knows  for  he's  seen  it  in  black  and  white  through  his  eye- 
trompit  trained  upon  jenny's  and  all  that  sort  of  thing  which  is 
dandymount  to  a  clearobscure.  Prettimaid  tints  may  try  their 
taunts:  apple,  bacchante,  custard,  dove,  eskimo,  feldgrau,  hema- 
tite, isingglass,  jet,  kipper,  lucile,  mimosa,  nut,  oysterette,  prune, 

247 


quasimodo,  royal,  sago,  tango,  umber,  vanilla,  wisteria,  xray, 
yesplease,  zaza,  philomel,  theerose.  What  are  they  all  by?  Shee. 

If  you  nude  her  in  her  prime,  make  sure  you  find  her  comple- 
mentary or,  on  your  very  first  occasion,  by  Angus  Dagdasson 
and  all  his  piccions,  she'll  prick  you  where  you're  proudest  with 
her  unsatt  speagle  eye.  Look  sharp,  she's  signalling  from  among 
the  asters.  Turn  again,  wistfultone,  lode  mere  of  Doubtlynn! 
Arise,  Land-under- Wave !  Clap  your  lingua  to  your  pallet,  drop 
your  jowl  with  a  jolt,  tambourine  until  your  breath  slides,  pet  a 
pout  and  it's  out.  Have  you  got  me,  Allysloper? 

My  top  it  was  brought  Achill's  low,  my  middle  I  ope  before 
you,  my  bottom's  a  vulser  if  ever  there  valsed  and  my  whole  the 
flower  that  stars  the  day  and  is  solly  well  worth  your  pilger's 
fahrt.  Where  there's  a  hitch,  a  head  of  things,  let  henker's  halter 
hang  the  halunkenend.  For  I  see  through  your  weapon.  That 
cry's  not  Cucullus.  And  his  eyelids  are  painted.  If  my  tutor  here 
is  cut  out  for  an  oldeborre  I'm  Flo,  shy  of  peeps,  you  know.  But 
when  he  beetles  backwards,  ain't  I  fly.'*  Pull  the  boughpee  to  see 
how  we  sleep.  Bee  Peep!  Peepette!  Would  you  like  that  lump  of 
a  tongue  for  lungeon  or  this  Turkey's  delighter,  hys  hyphen 
mys.'*  My  bellyswain's  a  twalf  whulerusspower  though  he  knows 
as  much  how  to  man  a  wife  as  Dunckle  Dalton  of  matching  wools. 
Shake  hands  through  the  thicketloch!  Sweet  swanwater!  My 
other  is  mouthfilled.  This  kissing  wold's  full  of  killing  fellows 
kneeling  voyantly  to  the  cope  of  heaven.  And  somebody's  com- 
ing, I  feel  for  a  feet.  I've  a  seeklet  to  sell  thee  if  old  Deanns  won't 
be  threaspanning.  When  you'll  next  have  the  mind  to  retire  to 
be  wicked  this  is  as  dainty  a  way  as  any.  Underwoods  spells  bush- 
ment's  business.  So  if  you  sprig  poplar  you're  bound  to  twig  this. 
'Twas  my  lord  of  Glendalough  benedixed  the  gape  for  me  that 
time  at  Long  Entry,  commanding  the  approaches  to  my  intimast 
innermost.  Look  how  they're  browthered !  Six  thirteens  at  Blanche 
de  Blanche's  of  3  Behind  Street  and  2  Turnagain  Lane.  Awabeg 
is  my  callby,  Magnus  here's  my  Max,  Wonder  One's  my  cipher 
and  Seven  Sisters  is  my  nighbrood.  Radouga,  Rab  will  ye  na 
pick  them  in  their  pink  of  panties.  You  can  colour  up  till  you're 

248 


prawn  while  I  go  squirt  with  any  cockle.  When  here  who  adolls 
me  infuxes  sleep.  But  if  this  could  see  with  its  backsight  he*d 
be  the  grand  old  greeneyed  lobster.  He's  my  first  viewmarc  since 
Valentine.  Wink's  the  winning  word. 
Luck! 

In  the  house  of  breathings  lies  that  word,  all  fairness.  The  walls 
are  of  rubinen  and  the  glittergates  of  elfinbone.  The  roof  herof  is 
of  massicious  jasper  and  a  canopy  of  Tyrian  awning  rises  and 
still  descends  to  it.  A  grape  cluster  of  lights  hangs  therebeneath 
and  all  the  house  is  filled  with  the  breathings  of  her  fairness,  the 
fairness  of  fondance  and  the  fairness  of  milk  and  rhubarb  and  the 
fairness  of  roasted  meats  and  uniomargrits  and  the  fairness  of 
promise  with  consonantia  and  avowals.  There  lies  her  word,  you 
reder !  The  height  herup  exalts  it  and  the  lowness  her  down  aba- 
seth  it.  It  vibroverberates  upon  the  tegmen  and  prosplodes  from 
pomoeria.  A  window,  a  hedge,  a  prong,  a  hand,  an  eye,  a  sign,  a 
head  and  keep  your  other  augur  on  her  paypaypay.  And  you  have 
it,  old  Sem,  pat  as  ah  be  seated!  And  Sunny,  my  gander,  he's 
coming  to  land  her.  The  boy  which  she  now  adores.  She  dores. 
Oh  backed  von  dem  zug!  Make  weg  for  their  tug! 

With  a  ring  ding  dong,  they  raise  clasped  hands  and  advance 
more  steps  to  retire  to  the  saum.  Curtsey  one,  curtsey  two,  with 
arms  akimbo,  devotees. 

Irrelevance. 

All  sing: 

—  I  rose  up  one  maypole  morning  and  saw  in  my  glass  how 
nobody  loves  me  but  you.  Ugh.  Ugh. 

All  point  in  the  shem  direction  as  if  to  shun. 

—  My  name  is  Misha  Misha  but  call  me  Tolfey  Tough.  I 
mean  Mettenchough.  It  was  her,  boy  the  boy  that  was  loft  in  the 
larch.  Ogh!  Ogh! 

Her  reverence. 
All  laugh. 

They  pretend  to  helf  while  they  simply  shauted  at  him  sauce  to 
make  hims  prich.  And  ith  ith  noth  cricquette,  Sally  Lums.  Not 
by  ever  such  a  lot.  Twentynines  of  bloomers  gegging  een  man 

249 


arose.  Avis  was  there  and  trilled  her  about  it.  She's  her  sex,  for 
certain.  So  to  celebrate  the  occasion: 

—  Wiliest  thou  rossy  banders  havind.'^ 

He  simules  to  be  tight  in  ribbings  round  his  rumpfFkorpff. 

—  Are  you  Swarthants  that's  hit  on  a  shorn  stile? 
He  makes  semblant  to  be  swiping  their  chimbleys. 

—  Can  you  ajew  ajew  fro'  Sheidam.^ 

He  finges  to  be  cutting  up  with  a  pair  of  sissers  and  to  be  buy- 
tings  of  their  maidens  and  spitting  their  heads  into  their  facepails. 
Spickspuk!  Spoken. 

So  now  be  hushy,  little  pukers !  Side  here  roohish,  cleany  fug- 
lers!  Grandicellies,  all  stay  zitty!  Adultereux,  rest  as  befour!  For 
youVe  jolly  welly  dawdled  all  the  day.  When  ye  coif  tantoncle's 
hat  then'll  be  largely  temts  for  that.  Yet's  the  time  for  being  now, 
now,  now. 

For  a  burning  would  is  come  to  dance  inane.  Glamours  hath 
moidered's  lieb  and  herefore  Coldours  must  leap  no  more.  Lack 
breath  must  leap  no  more. 

Lei  lols  for  libelman  libling  his  lore.  Lolo  Lolo  liebermann  you 
loved  to  be  leaving  Libnius.  Lift  your  right  to  your  Liber  Lord. 
Link  your  left  to  your  lass  of  liberty.  Lala  Lala,  Leapermann, 
your  lep's  but  a  loop  to  lee. 

A  fork  of  hazel  o'er  the  field  in  vox  the  verveine  virgins  ode. 
If  you  cross  this  rood  as  you  roamed  the  rand  I'm  blessed  but 
you'd  feel  him  a  blasting  rod.  Behind,  me,  frees  from  evil  smells! 
Perdition  stinks  before  us. 

Aghatharept  they  fleurelly  to  Nebnos  will  and  Rosocale.  Twice 
is  he  gone  to  quest  of  her,  thrice  is  she  now  to  him.  So  see  we  so 
as  seed  we  sow.  And  their  prunktqueen  kilt  her  kirtles  up  and 
set  out.  And  her  troup  came  heeling,  O.  And  what  do  you  think 
that  pride  was  drest  in!  Voolykins'  diamondinah's  vestin.  For  ever 
they  scent  where  air  she  went.  While  all  the  fauns'  flares  widens 
wild  to  see  a  floral's  school. 

Led  by  Lignifer,  in  four  hops  of  the  happiest,  ach  beth  cac  duff, 
a  marrer  of  the  sward  incoronate,  the  few  fly  the  farbetween! 
We  haul  minymony  on  that  piebold  nig.  Will  any  dubble  dabble 

250 


^  { r  cJj 


on  the  bay?  Nor  far  jocubus?  Nic  for  jay?  Attilad!  Attattilad!  Get 
up,  Goth's  scourge  on  you!  There's  a  visitation  in  your  implu- 
vium.  Hun!  Hun! 

He  stanth  theirs  mun  in  his  natural,  oblious  autamnesically 
of  his  very  proprium,  (such  is  stockpot  leaden,  so  did  sonsepun 
crake)  the  wont  to  be  wanton  maid  a  will  to  be  wise.  Thrust  from 
the  light,  apophotorejected,  he  spoors  loves  from  her  heats.  He 
blinkth.  But's  wrath's  the  higher  where  those  wreathe  charity. 
For  all  of  these  have  been  thisworlders,  time  liquescing  into  state, 
pitiless  age  grows  angelhood.  Though,  as  he  stehs,  most  anysing 
may  befallhim  from  a  song  of  a  witch  to  the  totter  of  Blackarss, 
given  a  fammished  devil,  a  young  sourceress  and  (eternal  con- 
junction) the  permission  of  overalls  with  the  cuperation  of  night- 
shirt. If  he  spice  east  he  seethes  in  sooth  and  if  he  pierce  north 
he  wilts  in  the  waist.  And  what  wonder  with  the  murkery  vice- 
heid  in  the  shade?  The  specks  on  his  lapspan  are  his  foul  deed 
thougths,  wishmarks  of  mad  imogenation.  Take^the;y  off!  Make 
the  off!  But  Funnylegs  are  leanly.  A  bimbamb  bum!  They  vain 
would  convert  the  to  be  hers  in  the  word.  Gush,  they  wooed! 
Gash,  they're  fair  ripecherry! 

As  for  she  could  shake  him.  An  oaf,  no  more.  Still  he'd  be 
good  tutor  two  in  his  big  armschair  lerningstoel  and  she  be 
waxen  in  his  hands.  Turning  up  and  fingering  over  the  most  dan- 
tellising  peaches  in  the  lingerous  longerous  book  of  the  dark,  a 
Look  at  this  passage  about  Galilleotto!  I  know  it  is  difficult  but 
when  your  goche  I  go  dead.  Turn  now  to  this  patch  upon  Smac- 
chiavelluti!  Soot  allours,  he's  sure  to  spot  it!  'Twas  ever  so  in 
monitorology  since  Headmaster  Adam  became  Eva  Harte's 
toucher,  in  omnibus  morihus  et  temporibus^  with  man's  mischief 
in  his  mind  whilst  her  pupils  swimmed  too  heavenlies,  let  his  be 
exaspirated,  letters  be  blowed!  I  is  a  femaline  person.  O,  of  pro- 
vocative gender.  U  unisingular  case. 

Which  is  why  trumpers  are  mixed  up  in  duels  and  here's  B. 
Rohan  meets  N.  Ohlan  for  the  prize  of  a  thou.  ji.'^ 

But  listen  to  the  mocking  birde  to  micking  barde  making  bared! 
We've  heard  it  aye  since  songdom  was  gemurrmal.  As  he  was 

251 


queering  his  shoolthers.  So  was  1.  And  as  I  was  cleansing  my 
fausties.  So  was  he.  And  as  way  ware  puffiing  our  blowbags. 
Souwouyou. 

Come,  thrust!  Go,  parry!  Dvoinabrathran,  dare!  The  mad 
long  ramp  of  manchind*s  parlements,  the  learned  lackleaming, 
merciless  as  wonderful. 

—  Now  may  Saint  Mowy  of  the  Pleasant  Grin  be  your  ever- 
glass  and  even  prospect! 

—  Feeling  dank. 
Exchange,  reverse. 

—  And  may  Saint  Jerome  of  the  Harlots'  Curse  make  family 
three  of  you  which  is  much  abedder! 

—  Grassy  ass  ago. 

And  each  was  wrought  with  his  other.  And  his  continence  fell. 
The  bivitellines,  Metellus  and  Ametallikos,  her  crown  pretenders, 
obscindgemeinded  biekerers,  varying  directly,  uruseye  each  oxes- 
other,  superfetated  (never  cleaner  of  lamps  frowned  fiercelier  on 
anointer  of  hinges),  while  their  treegrown  girls,  king's  game,  if 
he  deign  so,  are  in  such  transfusion  just  to  know  twigst  timidy 
twomeys,  for  gracious  sake,  who  is  artthoudux  from  whose 
heterotropic,  the  sleepy  or  the  glouch,  for,  shyly  bawn  and 
showly  nursured,  exceedingly  nice  girls  can  strike  exceedingly 
bad  times  unless  so  richtly  chosen's  by  (what  though  of  riches 
he  have  none  and  hope  dashes  hope  on  his  heart's  horizon)  to  gar 
their  great  moments  greater.  The  thing  is  he  must  be  put  strait 
on  the  spot,  no  mere  waterstichystuff  in  a  selfmade  world  that 
you  can't  believe  a  word  he's  written  in,  not  for  pie,  but  one's 
only  owned  by  nature!  rejection.  Charley,  you're  my  darwing! 
So  sing  they  sequent  the  assent  of  man.  Till  they  go  round  if 
they  go  roundagain  before  breakparts  and  all  dismissed.  They 
keep.  Step  keep.  Step.  Stop.  Who  is  Fleur?  Where  is  Ange?  Or 
Gardoun.'* 

Creedless,  croonless  hangs  his  haughty.  There  end  no  moe  red 
devil  in  the  white  of  his  eye.  Braglodyte  him  do  a  katadupe !  A  con- 
damn  quondam  jontom  sick  af  a  suckbut!  He  does  not  know  how 
his  grandson's  grandson's  grandson's  grandson  will  stammer  up 

252 


I 


in  Peruvian  for  in  the  ersebest  idiom  I  have  done  it  equals  I  so 
shall  do.  He  dares  not  think  why  the  grandmother  of  the  grand- 
mother of  his  grandmother's  grandmother  coughed  Russky  with 
suchky  husky  accent  since  in  the  mouthart  of  the  slove  look  at 
me  now  means  I  once  was  otherwise.  Nor  that  the  mappamund 
has  been  changing  pattern  as  youth  plays  moves  from  street  to 
street  since  time  and  races  were  and  wise  ants  hoarded  and  saute- 
relles  were  spendthrifts,  no  thing  making  newthing  wealthshow- 
ever  for  a  silly  old  Sol,  healthytobedder  and  latewiser.  Nor  that  the 
turtling  of  a  London's  alderman  is  ladled  out  by  the  waggerful  to 
the  regionals  of  pigmyland.  His  part  should  say  in  honour  bound: 
So  help  me  symethew,  sammarc,  selluc  and  singin,  I  will  stick  to 
you,  by  gum,  no  matter  what,  bite  simbum,  and  in  case  of  the 
event  coming  off  beforehand  even  so  you  was  to  release  me  for 
the  sake  of  the  other  cheap  girl's  baby's  name  plaster  me  but  I 
will  pluckily  well  pull  on  the  buckskin  gloves !  But  Noodynaady's 
actual  ingrate  tootle  is  of  come  into  the  garner  mauve  and  thy 
nice  are  stores  of  morning  and  buy  me  a  bunch  of  iodines. 

Evidentament  he  has  failed  as  tiercely  as  the  deuce  before  for 
she  is  wearing  none  of  the  three.  And  quite  as  patenly  there  is  a 
hole  in  the  ballet  trough  which  the  rest  fell  out.  Because  to  ex- 
plain why  the  residue  is,  was,  or  will  not  be,  according  to  the 
eighth  axiom,  proceeded  with,  namely,  since  ever  apart  that  gos- 
san duad,  so  sure  as  their's  a  patch  on  a  pomelo,  this  yam  ham  in 
never  live  could,  the  shifting  about  of  the  lassies,  the  tug  of  love 
of  their  lads  ending  with  a  great  deal  of  merriment,  hoots, 
screams,  scarf  drill,  cap  fecking,  ejaculations  of  aurinos,  reecho- 
able  mirthpeals  and  general  thumbtonosery  (Myama's  a  yaung 
yaung  cauntry),  one  must  recken  with  the  sudden  and  gigant- 
esquesque  appearance  unwithstandable  as  a  general  election  in 
Barnado's  bearskin  amongst  the  brawlmiddle  of  this  village  chil- 
dergarten  of  the  largely  longsuffering  laird  of  Lucanhof. 

But,  vrayedevraye  Blankdeblank,  god  of  all  machineries  and 
tomestone  of  Barnstaple,  by  mortisection  or  vivisuture,  splitten 
up  or  recompounded,  an  isaac  jacquemin  mauromormo  milesian, 
how  accountibus  for  him,  moreblue? 

253 


Was  he  pitssched  for  an  ensemple  as  certain  have  dognosed  of 
him  against  our  seawall  by  Rurie,  Thoath  and  Cleaver,  those 
three  stout  sweynhearts,  Orion  of  the  Orgiasts,  Meereschal  Mac- 
Muhun,  the  Ipse  dadden,  product  of  the  extremes  giving  quoti- 
dients  to  our  means,  as  might  occur  to  anyone,  your  brutest 
layaman  with  the  princest  champion  in  our  archdeaconry,  or  so 
yclept  from  Clio's  clippings,  which  the  chroncher  of  chivalries 
is  sulpicious  save  he  scan,  for  ancients  link  with  presents  as  the 
human  chain  extends,  have  done,  do  and  will  again  as  John,  Poly- 
carp  and  Irenews  eye-to-eye  ayewitnessed  and  to  Paddy  Palmer, 
while  monks  sell  yew  to  archers  or  the  water  of  the  livvying 
goes  the  way  of  all  fish  from  Sara's  drawhead,  the  corralsome,  to 
Isaac's,  the  lauphed  butt  one,  with  her  minnelisp  extorreor  to  his 
moanolothe  inturned?  So  Perrichon  with  Bastienne  or  heavy 
Humph  with  airy  Nan,  Ricqueracqbrimbillyjicqueyjocqjolicass? 
How  sowesthow,  dullcisamica}  A  and  aa  ab  ad  abu  abiad.  A 
babbel  men  dub  gulch  of  tears. 

The  mar  of  murmury  mermers  to  the  mind's  ear,  uncharted 
rock,  evasive  weed.  Only  the  caul  knows  his  thousandfirst  name. 
Hocus  Crocus,  Esquilocus,  Finnfinn  the  Faineant,  how  feel  full 
foes  in  furrinarr!  Doth  it  not  all  come  aft  to  you,  puritysnooper, 
in  theJB^ay  television  opes  longtimes  ofter  when  Potollomuck 
Sotyr  or  Sourdanapplous  the  Lollapaloosa?  The  charges  are,  you 
will  remember,  the  chances  are,  you  won't;  bit  it's  old  Joe,  the 
Java  Jane,  older  even  than  Odam  Costollo,  and  we  are  recur- 
rently meeting  em,  par  Mahun  Mesme,  in  cycloannalism,  from 
space  to  space,  time  after  time,  in  various  phases  of  scripture  as 
in  various  poses  of  sepulture.  Greets  Godd,  Groceries!  Merodach! 
Defend  the  King!  Hoet  of  the  rough  throat  attack  but  whose  say 
is  soft  but  whose  ee  has  a  cute  angle,  he  whose  hut  is  a  hissarlik 
even  as  her  hennin's  aspire.  And  insodaintily  she's  a  quine  of  selm 
ashaker  while  as  a  murder  of  corpse  when  his  magot's  up  he's 
the  best  berrathon  sanger  in  all  the  aisles  of  Skaldignavia.  As  who 
shall  hear.  For  now  at  last  is  Longabed  going  to  be  gone  to,  that 
more  than  man,  prince  of  Bunnicombe  of  wide  roadsterds,  tlie 
herblord  the  gillyflowrets  so  fain  fan  to  flatter  about.  Artho  is  the 

254 


name  is  on  the  hero,  Capellisato,  shoehanded  slaughterer  of  the 
shader  of  our  leaves. 

Attach  him!  Hold! 

Yet  stir  thee,  to  clay,  Tamor! 

Why  wilt  thou  ergs'aken  him  from  his  earth,  O  summonor- 
other:  he  is  weatherbitten  from  the  dusts  of  ages?  The  hour  of  his 
closing  hies  to  hand;  the  tocsin  that  shall  claxonise  his  ware- 
abouts.  If  one  who  remembered  his  webgoods  and  tealofts  were 
to  ask  of  a  hooper  for  whose  it  was  the  storks  were  quitting 
Aquileyria,  this  trundler  would  not  wot;  if  other  who  joined  faith 
when  his  depth  charge  bombed  our  barrel  spillway  were  to  — ! 

Jehosophat,  what  doom  is  here !  Rain  ruth  on  them,  sire !  The 
wing  of  Moykill  cover  him!  The  Bulljon  Bossbrute  quarantee 
him!  Calavera,  caution!  Slaves  to  Virtue,  save  his  Veri totem! 
Bearara  T olems^  procul  abeatl  The  Ivorbonegorer  of  Danamara- 
ca  be,  his  Hector  Protector!  Woldomar  with  Vasa,  peel  your 
peeps !  And  try  to  saviourise  the  nights  of  labour  to  the  order  of 
our  blooding  worold!  While  Pliny  the  Younger  writes  to  Pliny 
the  Elder  his  calamolumen  of  contumellas,  what  Aulus  Gellius 
picked  on  Micmacrobius  and  what  Vitruvius  pocketed  from 
Cassiodorus.  Like  we  larnt  from  that  Buke  of  Lukan  in  Dublin's 
capital,  Kongdam  Coombe.  Even  if  you  are  the  kooper  of  the 
winkel  over  measure  never  lost  a  licence.  Nor  a  duckindonche 
divulse  from  bath  and  breakfast.  And  for  the  honour  of  Alcohol 
drop  that  you-know-what-Fve-come-about-I-saw-your-act  air! 
Punch  may  be  pottleproud  but  his  Judy's  a  wife's  wit  better. 

For  the  producer  (Mr  John  Baptister  Vickar)  caused  a  deep 
abuliousness  to  descend  upon  the  Father  of  Truants  and,  at  a  side 
issue,  pluterpromptly  brought  on  the  scene  the  cutletsized  con- 
sort, foundling  filly  of  fortyshilling  fostertailor  and  shipman's 
shopahoyden,  weighing  ten  pebble  ten,  scaling  five  footsy  five 
and  spanning  thirtyseven  inchettes  round  the  good  companions, 
twentynine  ditties  round  the  wishful  waistress,  thirtyseven  alsos 
round  the  answer  to  everything,  twentythree  of  the  same  round 
each  of  the  quis  separabits,  fourteen  round  the  beginning  of  hap- 
piness and  nicely  nine  round  her  shoed  for  slender. 

255 


And  eher  you  could  pray  mercy  to  goodness  or  help  with  your 
hokey  or  mehokeypoo,  Callus's  hen  has  collared  her  pullets. 
That's  where  they  have  owreglias  for.  Their  bone  of  contention, 
flesh  to  their  thorns,  prest  as  Prestissima,  makes  off  in  a  thinkling 
(and  not  one  hen  only  nor  two  hens  neyther  but  every  blessed 
brigid  came  aclucking  and  aclacking),  while,  a  rum  a  rum,  the 
ram  of  all  harns,  Bier,  Wijn,  Spirituosen  for  consumption  on  the 
premises,  advokaat  withouten  pleaders,  Mas  marrit.  Pas  poulit, 
Ras  ruddist  of  all,  though  flamifestouned  from  galantifloures,  is 
hued  and  cried  of  each's  colour. 

Home  all  go.  Halome.  Blare  no  more  ramsblares,  oddmund 
barkes !  And  cease  your  fumings,  kindalled  bushies !  And  sherri- 
goldies  yeassymgnays;  your  wildeshaweshowe  moves  swiftly 
sterneward!  For  here  the  holy  language.  Soons  to  come.  To 
pausse. 

'Tis  goed.  Het  best. 

For  they  are  now  tearing,  that  is,  teartoretorning.  Too  soon 
are  coming  tasbooks  and  goody,  hominy  bread  and  bible  bee, 
with  jaggery-yo  to  juju-jaw,  Fine's  French  phrases  from  the 
Grandmere  des  Grammaires  and  bothered  parsenaps  from  the 
Four  Massores,  Mattatias,  Marusias,  Lucanias,  Jokinias,  and  what 
happened  to  our  eleven  in  thirtytwo  antepostdating  the  Valgur 
Eire  and  why  is  limbo  where  is  he  and  what  are  the  sound  waves  V 
saying  ceased  ere  they  all  wayed  wrong  and  Amnist  anguished 
axes  Collis  and  where  fishngaman  fetched  the  mongafesh  from 
and  whatfor  paddybird  notplease  rancoon  and  why  was  Sindat 
sitthing  on  him  sitbom  Uke  a  saildior,  with  what  the  doc  did  in  the 
doil,  not  to  mention  define  the  hydraulics  of  common  salt  and, 
its  denier  crid  of  old  provaunce,  where  G.P.O.  is  zentrum  and 
D.U.T.C.  are  radients  write  down  by  the  frequency  of  the  scores 
and  crores  of  your  refractions  the  valuations  in  the  pice  of  ding- 
gyings  on  N.C.R.  and  S.C.R. 

That  little  cloud,  a  nibulissa,  still  hangs  isky.  Singabed  sulks 
before  slumber.  Light  at  night  has  an  alps,  on  his  druckhouse. 
Thick  head  and  thin  butter  or  after  you  with  me.  Caspi,  but 
gueroligue  stings  the  air.  Gaylegs  to  riot  of  us!  Gallocks  to  lafft! 

256 


.J- 


yvA- 


(  0" 


What  is  amaid  today  todo?  So  angelland  all  weeping  bin  that  Izzy 
most  unhappy  is.  Fain  Essie  fie  onhapje?  laughs  her  stella/s  vispirine. 

While,  running  about  their  ways,  going  and  coming,  now  at 
rhimba  rhomba,  now  in  trippiza  trappaza,  pleating  a  pattern  Gran  ^  ^  ,^  ^ 
Geamatron  showed  them  of  gracehoppers,  auntskippers  and  coney- 
farm  leppers,  they  jeerilied  along,  durian  gay  and  marian  maid-  ^  ^e^'f  ^ 
cap,  lou  Dariou  beside  la  Matieto,  all  boy  more  all  girl  singout-  r 
feller  longa  house  blong  store  Huddy,  whilest  nin  nin  nin  nin  that 
Boorman's  clock,  a  winny  on  the  tinny  side,  ninned  nin  nin  nin 
nin,  about  old  Father  Barley  how  he  got  up  of  a  morning  arley 
and  he  met  with  a  plattonem  blondes  named  Hips  and  Haws  and 
fell  in  with  a  fellows  of  Trinity  some  header  Skowood  Shaws  like 
(You'll  catch  it,  don't  fret,  Mrs  Tummy  Lupton!  Come  indoor, 
Scoffynosey,  and  shed  your  swank!)  auld  Daddy  Deacon  who 
could  stow  well  his  place  of  beacon  but  he  never  could  hold  his 
kerosene's  candle  to  (The  nurse'll  give  it  you,  stickypots !  And  you 
wait,  my  lasso,  fecking  the  twine!)  bold  Farmer  Burleigh  who 
wuck  up  in  a  hurlywurly  where  he  huddly  could  wuddle  to  wal- 
low his  weg  tillbag  of  the  baker's  booth  to  beg  of  (You're  well 
held  now.  Missy  Cheekspeer,  and  your  panto's  off!  Fie,  for  shame, 
Ruth  Wheatacre,  after  all  the  booz  said!)  illed  Diddiddy  Achin 
for  the  prize  of  a  pease  of  bakin  with  a  pinch  of  the  panch  of  the 
ponch  in  jurys  for  (Ah,  crabeyes,  I  have  you,  showing  off  to  the 
world  with  that  gape  in  your  stocking!)  Wold  Forrester  Farley 
who,  in  deesperation  of  deispiration  at  the  diasporation  of  his 
diesparation,  was  found  of  the  round  of  the  sound  of  the  lound  a 
of  the.  Lukkedoerendunandurraskewdylooshoofermoyportertoo-  ^ 
ryzooysphalnabortansporthaokansakroidverjkapakkapuk. 

Upploud!  ^  -       ^  ^'^    C-CrtiL^  . 

The  play  thou  schouwburgst.  Game,  here  endeth.  The  curtain 
drops  by  deep  request. 
Uplouderamain ! 

\^  Gonn  the  gawds,  Gunnar's  gustspells.  When  the  h,  who  the 
hu,  how  the  hue,  where  the  huer.'^  Orbiter  onswers:  lots  lives 
lost.  Fionia  is  fed  up  with  Fidge  Fudgesons.  Sealand  snorres. 

257 


Rendningrocks  roguesreckning  reigns.  Gwds  with  gurs  are 
gttrdmmrng.  HUs  vlls.  The  timid  hearts  of  words  all  exeomno- 
sunt.  Mannagad,  lammalelouh,  how  do  that  come?  By  Dad,  youd 
not  heed  that  fert?  Fulgitudes  ejist  rowdownan  tonuout.  Quoq! 
And  buncskleydoodle !  Kidoosh!  Of  their  fear  they  broke,  they 
ate  wind,  they  fled;  where  they  ate  there  they  fled;  of  their  fear 
they  fled,  they  broke  away.  Go  to,  let  us  extol  Azrael  with  our 
harks,  by  our  brews,  on  our  jambses,  in  his  gaits.  To  Mezou- 
zalem  with  the  Dephilim,  didits  dinkun's  dud.'^  Yip!  Yup!  Yar- 
rah!  And  let  Nek  Nekulon  extol  Mak  Makal  and  let  him  say 
unto  him:  Immi  ammi  Semmi.  And  shall  not  Babel  be  with 
Lebab.'^  And  he  war.  And  he  shall  open  his  mouth  and  answer: 
I  hear,  O  Ismael,  how  they  laud  is  only  as  my  loud  is  one.  If 
Nekulon  shall  be  havonfalled  surely  Makal  haven  hevens.  Go  to, 
let  us  extell  Makal,  yea,  let  us  exceedingly  extell.  Though  you 
have  lien  amung  your  posspots  my  excellency  is  over  Ismael. 
Great  is  him  whom  is  over  Ismael  and  he  shall  mekanek  of  Mak 
Nakulon.  And  he  deed. 
Uplouderamainagain ! 

For  the  Clearer  of  the  Air  from  on  high  has  spoken  in  tumbul- 
dum  tambaldam  to  his  tembledim  tombaldoom  worrild  and,  mogu- 
phonoised  by  that  phonemanon,  the  unhappitents  of  the  earth 
have  terrerumbled  from  fimament  unto  fundament  and  from 
tweedledeedumms  down  to  twiddledeedees. 

Loud,  hear  us! 

Loud,  graciously  hear  us ! 

Now  have  thy  children  entered  into  their  habitations.  And 
nationglad,  camp  meeting  over,  to  shin  it,  Gov  be  thanked !  Thou 
hast  closed  the  portals  of  the  habitations  of  thy  children  and  thou 
hast  set  thy  guards  thereby,  even  Garda  Didymus  and  Garda 
^  Domas,  that  thy  children  may  read  in  the  book  of  the  opening  of 
the  mind  to  light  and  err  not  in  the  darkness  which  is  the  after- 
thought of  thy  nomatter  by  the  guardiance  of  those  guards  which 
are  thy  bodemen,  the  cheeryboyum  chirryboth  with  the  kerry- 
bommers  in  their  krubeems,  Pray-your-Prayers  Timothy  and 
Back-to-Bunk  Tom. 

258 


\ 

Till  tree  from  tree,  tree  among  trees,  tree  over  tree  become 
stone  to  stone,  stone  between  stones,  stone  under  stone  for  ever. 

O  Loud,  hear  the  wee  beseech  of  thees  of  each  of  these  thy  un- 
litten  ones!  Grant  sleep  in  hour's  time,  O  Loud! 

That  they  take  no  chill.  That  they  do  ming  no  merder.  That 
they  shall  not  gomeet  madhowiatrees.  ,  \/  c^^-^ 

Loud,  heap  miseries  upon  us  yet  entwine  our  arts  with  laugh- 
ters low! 

Ha  he  hi  ho  hu. 

Mummum. 


259 


With  his  broad 
and  hairy  face ^ 
to  Ireland  a 
disgrace, 

Menly  about 
peebles. 

Dont  retch  meat 
fat  salt  lard 
sinks  down  {and 
out). 


As  we  there  are  where  are  we  are  we  there 
from  tomtittot  to  teetootomtotalitarian.  Tea 
tea  too  oo. 

Whom  will  comes  over.  Who  to  caps  ever. 
And  howelse  do  we  hook  our  hike  to  find  that 
pint  of  porter  place?  Am  shot,  says  the  big- 
guard.^ 

Whence.  Quick  lunch  by  our  left,  wheel, 
to  where.  Long  Livius  Lane,  mid  Mezzofanti 
Mall,  diagonising  Lavatery  Square,  up  Tycho 
Brache  Crescent,^  shouldering  Berkeley  Alley, 
querfixing  Gainsborough  Carfax,  under  Guido 
d'Arezzo's  Gadeway,  by  New  Livius  Lane  till 
where  we  whiled  while  we  whithered.  Old 
Vico  Roundpoint.  But  fahr,  be  fear!  And 
natural,  simple,  slavish,  filial.  The  marriage  of 
Montan  wetting  his  moll  we  know,  like  any 
enthewsyass  cuckling  a  hoyden^  in  her  rougey 


UNDE  ETUBI, 


SIC. 


IMAGINABLE 
ITINERARY 
THROUGH 
THE 

PARTICULAR 
UNIVERSAL. 


^  Rawmeash,  quoshe  with  her  girlie  teangue.  If  old  Herod  with  the  Corm- 
well's  eczema  was  to  go  for  me  like  he  does  Snuffler  whatever  about  his  blue 
canaries  I'd  do  nine  months  for  his  beaver  beard. 

^  Mater  Mary  Mercerycordial  of  the  Dripping  Nipples,  milk's  a  queer 
arrangement. 

'  Real  life  behind  the  floodlights  as  shown  by  the  best  exponents  of  a  royal 
divorce. 

260 


iwiney  Tod,  ye 
Daimon  Barhar! 


Dig  him  in  the 
iibsh! 

Jngodly  old  Ard- 
ipy,  Cronwall 
ieeswaxing  the 
bnvulsion  box. 


gipsylike  chinkaminx  pulshandjupeyjade  and 
her  petsybluse  indecked  o'  voylets.^  When 
who  was  wist  was  ware.  En  elv,  et  f  jaell.  And 
the  whirr  of  the  whins  humming  us  howe. 
His  hume.  Hencetaking  tides  we  haply  return, 
trumpeted  by  prawns  and  ensigned  with  sea- 
kale,  to  befinding  ourself  when  old  is  said  in 
one  and  maker  mates  with  made  (O  my!), 
having  conned  the  cones  and  meditated  the 
mured  and  pondered  the  pensils  and  ogled  the 
olymp  and  delighted  in  her  dianaphous  and 
cacchinated  behind  his  culosses,  before  a 
mosoleum.  Length  Withought  Breath,  of  him, 
a  chump  of  the  evums,  upshoot  of  picnic  or 
stupor  out  of  sopor.  Cave  of  Kids  or  Hyma- 
nian  Glattstoneburg,  denary,  danery,  donnery, 
domm,  who,  entiringly  as  he  continues  highly- 
fictional,  tumulous  under  his  chthonic  exterior 
but  plain  Mr  Tumulty  in  muftilife,^  in  his  an- 
tisipiences  as  in  his  recognisances,  is,  (Dominic 
Directus)  a  manyfeast  munificent  more  mob 
than  man. 

Ainsoph,^  this  upright  one,  with  that 
noughty  besighed  him  zeroine.  To  see  in  his 
horrorscup  he  is  mehrkurios  than  saltz  of 
sulphur.  Terror  of  the  noonstruck  by  day, 
cryptogam  of  each  nightly  bridable.  But,  to 
speak  broken  heaventalk,  is  he?  Who  is  he? 
Whose  is  he?  Why  is  he?  Howmuch  is  he? 
Which  is  he?  When  is  he?  Where  is  he?^  How 
is  he?  And  what  the  decans  is  there  about  him 


CONSTITU- 
TION OF  THE 
CONSTITU- 
TIONABLE AS 
CONSTITU- 
TIONAL. 


^  When  we  play  dress  grownup  at  alia  ludo  poker  you'll  be  happnessised 
to  feel  how  fetching  I  can  look  in  clingarounds. 

^  Kellywick,  Longfellow's  Lodgings,  House  of  Comments  III,  Cake  "Walk, 
Amusing  Avenue,  Salt  Hill,  Co.  Mahogany,  Izalond,  Terra  Firma. 

^  Groupname  for  grape  juice. 

*  Bhing,  said  her  burglar's  head,  soto  poce. 

261 


Swing  the  hanjo^ 
bantams^  hounce- 
the-hallers 
blown  to  fook, 

Thsight  near 
left  me  eyes  when 
I  seen  her  put 
thounce  otay 
ithpot. 


Quartandwds. 


anyway,  the  decemt  man?  Easy,  calm  your 
haste!  Approach  to  lead  our  passage! 
This  bridge  is  upper. 
Cross. 

Thus  come  to  castle. 
Knock.i 

A  password,  thanks. 
Yes,  pearse. 
Well,  all  be  dumbed! 
O  really.^2 

Hoo  cavedin  earthwight 

At  furscht  kracht  of  thunder.^ 

When  shoo,  his  flutterby. 

Was  netted  and  named.^ 

Erdnacrusha,  requiestress,  wake  em! 

And    let    luck's    puresplutterall    lucy  at 

ease!^ 

To  house  as  wise  fool  ages  builded. 
Sow  byg  eat.^ 

Staplering  to  tether  to,  steppingstone  to 
mount  by,  as  the  Boote's  at  Pickardstown. 
And  that  skimmelk  steed  still  in  the  ground- 
loftfan.  As  over  all.  Or  be  these  wingsets  leaned 
to  the  outwalls,  beastskin  trophies  of  booth 
of  Baws  the  balsamboards.'^^  Burials  be  bally- 
houraised!  So  let  Bacchus  e'en  call!  Inn  inn! 
Inn  inn!  Where.  The  babbers  ply  the  pen. 
The  bibbers  drang  the  den.  The  papplicom, 
the  pubblicam  he's  turning  tin  for  ten.  From 


PROBA- 
POSSIBLE 
PROLEGO- 
MENA TO 
IDEAREAL 
HISTORY. 


GNOSIS  OF 
PRECREATE 
DETERMINA- 
TION. 

AGNOSIS  OF 
POSTCREATE 
DETER- 
MINISM. 


Tickets  for  the 
Tailwaggers 
Terrierpuppy 
Raffle, 

*  Yussive  smirte  and  ye  mermon  answerth  from  his  beelyingplace  below 
the  tightmark,  Gotahelv ! 

2  O  Evol,  kool  in  the  salg  and  ees  how  Dozi  pits  what  a  drows  er. 
^  A  goodrid  croven  in  a  tynwalled  tub. 

*  Apis  amat  aram.  Luna  legit  librum.  Pulla  petit  pascua. 
^  And  after  dinn  to  shoot  the  shades. 

^  Says  blistered  Mary  Achinhead  to  beautifed  Tummy  Tullbutt. 
Begge.  To  go  to  Begge.  To  go  to  Begge  and  to  be  sure  to  reminder 
Begge.  Goodbeg,  buggey  Begge. 

262 


\ 


seldomers  that  most  frequent  him.  That  same 
erst  crafty  hakemouth  which  under  the  assumed 
name  of  Ignotus  Loquor,  of  foggy  old, 
harangued  bellyhooting  fishdrunks  on  their 
favorite  stamping  ground,  from  a  father  theo- 
balder  brake.  ^  And  Egyptus,  the  incenstrobed. 
Mars  speaking.  as  Cyrus  heard  of  him.^  And  Major  A.  Shaw 
after  he  got  the  miner  smellpex.'^  And  old 
Whiteman  self,  the  blighty  blotchy,  beyond 
the  bays,  hope  of  ostrogothic  and  ottomanic 
faith  converters,  despair  of  Pandemia's  post- 
war tem  plastic  surgeons.^  But  is  was  all  so 
long  ago.  Hispano-Cathayan-Euxine,  Castil- 
lian  -  Emeratic  -  Hebridian,  Espanol  -  Cymric- 
Smithy  no  home,  Helleniky.^  Rolf  the  Ganger,  Rough  the  Gang- 
ster, not  a  feature  alike  and  the  face  the  same.^ 
Pastimes  are  past  times.  Now  let  bygones 
be  bei  Gunne's.  Saaleddies  er  it  in  this  warken 
werden,  mine  boerne,  and  it  vild  need  older- 
wise^  since  primal  made  alter  in  garden  of 
Idem.  The  tasks  above  are  as  the  flasks  below, 
saith  the  emerald  canticle  of  Hermes  and  all's 
Nan  quod  sed  loth  and  pleasestir,  are  we  told,  on  excellent 
^^J-<^t.  inkbottle  authority,  solarsystemised,  seriol- 

cosmically,  in  a  more  and  more  almightily 
expanding  universe  under  one,  there  is  rhyme- 
less  reason  to  believe,  original  sun.  Securely 
judges  orb  terrestrial.*  Hand  certo  ergo.  But 
Hearasay  in  O  felicitous  culpability,  sweet  bad  cess  to  you 

aradox  lust,         for  an  archetypt ! 

^  Huntler  and  Pumar's  animal  alphabites,  the  first  in  the  world  from 
aab  to  zoo. 

2  We  dont  hear  the  booming  cursowarries,  we  wont  fear  the  fletches  of 
fightning,  we  float  the  meditarenias  and  come  bask  to  the 'isle  we  love  in 
spice.  Punt. 

^  And  tliis  once  golden  bee  a  cimadoro. 

*  And  he  was  a  gay  Lutharius  anyway,  Sinobiled.  You  can  tell  by  their 
extraordinary  clothes. 

263 


Bags. 
Balls. 


Move  up, 
Mackinerny! 
Make  room  for 
Muckinurney! 


Honour  commercio's  energy  yet  aid  the 
linkless  proud,  the  plurable  with  everybody 
and  ech  with  pal,  this  ernst  of  Allsap*s  ale 
halliday  of  roaring  month  with  its  two  lunar 
eclipses  and  its  three  saturnine  settings!  Horn 
of  Heatthen,  highbrowed!  Brook  of  Life,  back- 
frish!  Amnios  amniurn,  fluminiculum  flami- 
nulinorum!  We  seek  the  Blessed  One,  the 
Harbourer-cum-Enheritance.  Even  Canaan 
the  Hateful.  Ever  a-going,  ever  a-coming. 
Between  a  stare  and  a  sough.  Fossilisation,  all 
branches.^  Wherefore  Petra  sware  unto  Ulma: 
By  the  mortals'  frost!  And  Ulma  sware  unto 
Petra:  On  my  veiny  life! 

In  these  places  sojournemus,  where  Eblinn 
water,  leased  of  carr  and  fen,  leaving  amont  her 
shoals  and  salmen  browses,  whom  inshore 
breezes  woo  with  freshets,  windeth  to  her 
broads.  A  phantom  city,  phaked  of  philim 
pholk,  bowed  and  sould  for  a  four  of  hundreds 
of  manhood  in  their  three  and  threescore 
fylkers  for  a  price  partitional  of  twenty  six  and 
six.  By  this  riverside,  on  our  sunnybank,^  how 
buona  the  vista,  by  Santa  Rosa!  A  field  of  May, 
the  very  vale  of  Spring.  Orchards  here  are 
lodged;  sainted  lawrels  evremberried.  You 
have  a  hoig  view  ashwald,  a  glen  of  marrons 
and  of  thorns.  Gleannaulinn,  Ardeevin:  purty 
glint  of  plaising  height.  This  Norman  court  at 
boundary  of  the  ville,  yon  creepered  tower  of 
a  church  of  Ereland,  meet  for  true  saints  in 
worshipful  assemblage,^  with  our  king's  house 


ARCHAIC 
ZELOTYPIA 
AND  THE 
ODIUM  TEL- 
EOLOGICUM. 


THE  LOCALI- 
SATION OF 
LEGEND 
LEADING  TO 
THE  LEGALI- 
SATION OF 
LATIFUND- 
ISM. 


^  Startnaked  and  bonedstiff.  We  vivvy  soddy.  All  be  dood. 
2  When  you  dreamt  that  you'd  wealth  in  marble  arch  do  you  ever  think  of 
pool  beg  slowe. 

^  Porphyrious  Olbion,  redcoatliar,  we  were  always  wholly  rose  marines 
on  our  side  every  time. 

264 


1 


n  snowdrop, 
rou-de-dentelky 
lesh  and  helio- 
rope. 


eres  our  do^en 
usins  from  the 
irves  on  tripes. 


of  stone,  belgroved  of  mulbrey,  the  still  that 
was  mill  and  Kloster  that  was  Yeomansland, 
the  ghastcold  tombshape  of  the  quick  fore- 
gone on,  the  loftleaved  elm  Lefanunian  above- 
mansioned,  each,  every,  all  is  for  the  retro- 
spectioner.  Skole!  Agus  skole  igen!^  Sweet- 
some  auburn,  cometh  up  as  a  selfreizing  flower, 
that  fragolance  of  the  fraisey  beds:  the  phoenix, 
his  pyre,  is  still  flaming  away  with  trueprat- 
tight  spirit:  the  wren  his  nest  is  niedelig  as  the 
turrises  of  the  sabines  are  televisible.  Here  are 
the  cottage  and  the  bungalow  for  the  cobbeler 
and  the  brandnewburgher:^  but  Izolde,  her 
chaplet  gardens,  an  litlee  plads  af  liefest  pose, 
arride  the  winnerful  wonders  ofl",  the  winner- 
ful  wonnerful  wanders  ofl",^  with  hedges  of 
ivy  and  hollywood  and  bower  of  mistletoe, 
are,  tho  if  it  theem  tho  and  yeth  if  you 
pleathes,^  for  the  blithehaired  daughter  of 
Angoisse.  All  out  of  two  barreny  old  perishers, 
Tytonyhands  and  Vlossyhair,  a  kilolitre  in 
metromyriams.  Presepeprosapia,  the  parent 
bole.  Wone  tabard,  wine  tap  and  warm  tavern^ 
and,  by  ribbon  development,  from  contact 
bridge  to  lease  lapse,  only  two  millium  two 
humbered  and  eighty  thausig  nine  humbered 
and  sixty  radiolumin  lines  to  the  wustworts  of 
a  Finntown's  generous  poet's  office.  Distorted 
mirage,  aloofliest  of  the  plain,  wherein  the 


^  Now  a  muss  wash  the  little  face. 

2  A  viking  vernacular  expression  still  used  in  the  Summerhill  district  for  a 
jerryhatted  man  of  forty  who  puts  two  fingers  into  his  boiling  soupplate  and 
licks  them  in  turn  to  find  out  if  there  is  enough  mushroom  catsup  in  the 
mutton  broth. 

3  H'  dk'  fs'  h'p'y. 
^  Googlaa  pluplu. 

^Tomley.  The  grown  man.  A  butcher  szewched  him  the  bloughs  and 
braches.  I'm  chory  to  see  P.  Shuter. 

265 


Bet  you  fippence^ 

anythesious^ 
there  s  no  pug- 
gatoryy  are  yous 
same^ 


boxomeness  of  the  bedelias^  makes  hobby- 
hodge  happy  in  his  hole.^  The  store  and 
charter,  Treetown  Castle  under  Lynne.  Riva- 
pool?  Hod  a  brieck  on  it!  But  its  piers  eerie, 
its  span  spooky,  its  toll  but  a  till,  its  parapets 
all  peripateting.  D' Oblong's  by  his  by.  Which 
we  all  pass.  Tons.  In  our  snoo.  Znore.  While 
we  hickerwards  the  thicker.  Schein.  Schore. 
Which  assoars  us  from  the  murk  of  the  mythe- 
lated  in  the  barrabelowther,  bedevere  butlered 
table  round,  past  Momingtop's  necessity  and 
Harington's  invention,  to  the  clarience  of  the 
childlight  in  the  studiorium  upsturts.  Here 
we'll  dwell  on  homiest  powers,  love  at  the 
latch  with  novices  nig  and  nag.  The  chorus: 
the  principals.  For  the  rifocillation  of  their 
inclination  to  the  manifestation  of  irritation: 
doldorboys  and  doll.^  After  sound,  light  and 
heat,  memory,  will  and  understanding. 

Here  (the  memories  framed  from  walls  are 
minding)  till  wranglers  for  wringwrowdy 
wready  are,  F  (at  gaze,  respecting,  four- 
teenth baronet,  meet,  altrettanth  bancorot, 
chaff)  and  ere  commence  commencement  cata- 
launic  when  Aetius  check  chokewill  Attil's 
gambit,  (that  buxon  bruzeup,  give  it  a  burl!) 
lead  us  seek,  O  june  of  eves  the  jenniest, 
thou  who  fleeest  flicklesome  the  fond  fervid 
frondeur  to  thickly  thyself  attach  with  thine 
efteased  ensuer,"*  ondrawer  of  our  uncon- 
scionable,  flickerflapper    fore    our  unter- 


PREAUSTERIC 
MAN  AND  HIS 
PURSUIT  OF 
PAN- 
HYSTERIC 
WOMAN. 


^  I  believe  in  Dublin  and  the  Sultan  of  Turkey. 

2  I  have  heard  this  word  used  by  Martin  Halpin,  an  old  gardener  from  the 
Glens  of  Antrim  who  used  to  do  odd  jobs  for  my  godfather,  the  Rev.  B.  B. 
Brophy  of  Swords. 

^  Ravens  may  rive  so  can  dove  deelish. 

*  A  question  of  pull. 

266 


I 


ere  was  a 
hopeful 
ulled  Cis. 


\weet 


'.  he  Big  Bear 
L  the  Sailor  s 
hly.  Trouble^ 
mbky  trouble, 

Mrening  Unge 
IristlikeKvinne. 


drugged,^  lead  us  seek,  lote  us  see,  light  us  find, 
let  us  missnot  Maidadate,  Mimosa  Multimim- 
etica,  the  maymeaminning  of  maimoomeining ! 
Elpis,  thou  fountain  of  the  greeces,  all  shall  speer 
theeward,^  from  kongen  in  his  canteenhus  to 
knivers  hind  the  knolL  Ausonius  Audacior 
and  gael,  gillie,  gall.^  Singalingalying.  Storiella 
as  she  is  syung.  Whence  followeup  with  end- 
speaking  nots  for  yestures,  plutonically  pur- 
suant on  briefest  glimpse  from  gladrags,  pretty 
Proserpronette  whose  slit  satchel  spilleth  peas. 

Belisha  beacon,  beckon  bright!  Usherette, 
unmesh  us !  That  grene  ray  of  earong  it  waves 
us  to  yonder  as  the  red,  blue  and  yellow  flogs 
time  on  the  domisole,^  with  a  blewy  blow  and 
a  windigo.  Where  flash  becomes  word  and 
silents  self  loud.  To  brace  congeners,  trebly 
bounden  and  asservaged  twainly.  Adamman,^ 
Emhe,  Issossianusheen  and  sometypes  Yggely 
ogs  Weib.  Uwayoei!^  So  mag  this  sybilette  be 
our  shibboleth  that  we  may  syllable  her  well ! 
Vetus  may  be  occluded  behind  the  mou  in 
Veto  but  Nova  will  be  nearing  as  their  radient 
among  the  Nereids.  A  one  of  charmers,  ay, 
Una  Unica,  charmers,  who,  under  the  branches 
of  the  elms,  in  shoes  as  yet  unshent  by  stoni- 
ness,  wend,  went,  will  wend  a  way  of  honey 
myrrh  and  rambler  roses  mistmusk  while  still 
the  maybe  mantles  the  meiblume  or  ever  her 


URGES  AND 
WIDERURGES 
IN  APRIMI- 
TIVE  SEPT. 


^  For  Rose  Point  see  Inishmacsaint. 
2  Mannequins'  Pose. 

^  Their  holy  presumption  and  hers  sinfly  desprit. 
*  Anama  anamaba  anamabapa. 

^  Only  for  he's  fathering  law  I  could  skewer  that  old  one  and  slosh  her  out 
many's  the  time  but  I  thinks  more  of  my  pottles  and  ketts. 

^  All  abunk  for  Tarararat!  Look  slipper,  soppyhat,  we've  a  doss  in  the 
manger. 

267 


Telltale  me  all 
of  annaryllies. 


Will  you  carry 
my  can  and 
fight  the  fairies^ 


Allma  Mathers^ 
Auctioneer. 


Old  Gavelkind 
the  Gamper  and 
hes  as  daff  as 
you  re  erse. 


if  have  faded  from  the  fleur,^  their  arms 
enlocked,  (ringrang,  the  chimes  of  sex  appeal- 
ing as  conchitas  with  sentas  stray ,2  rung !),  all 
thinking  all  of  it,  the  It  with  an  itch  in  it,  the  All 
every  inch  of  it,  the  pleasure  each  will  preen  her 
for,  the  business  each  was  bred  to  breed  by.^ 

Soon  jemmijohns  will  cudgel  about  some 
a  rhythmatick  or  other  over  Browne  and 
Nolan's  divisional  tables  whereas  she,  of 
minions'  novence  charily  being  cupid,  for 
mug's  wumping,  grooser's  grubbiness,  andt's 
avarice  and  grossopper's  grandegaffe,  with  her 
tootpettypout  of  jemenfichue  will  sit  and  knit 
on  solfa  sofa.^  Stew  of  the  evening,  booksyful 
stew.  And  a  bodikin  a  boss  in  the  Thimble 
Theatre.  But  all  is  her  inbourne.  Intend.  From 
gramma's  grammar  she  has  it  that  if  there  is  a 
third  person,  mascarine,  phelinine  or  nuder, 
being  spoken  abad  it  moods  prosodes  from  a 
person  speaking  to  her  second  which  is  the 
direct  object  that  has  been  spoken  to,  with  and 
at.  Take  the  dative  with  his  oblative^  for,  even 
if  obsolete,  it  is  always  of  interest,  so  spake 
gramma  on  the  impetus  of  her  imperative,  only 
mind  your  genderous  towards  his  reflexives 
such  that  I  was  to  your  grappa  (Bott's  trousend, 
hore  a  man  uffi)  when  him  was  me  hedon® 
and  mine,  what  the  lewdy  saying,  his  analec- 
tual  pygmyhop.'  There  is  comfortism  in  the 


EARLY 
NOTIONS  OF 
ACQUIRED 
RIGHTS  AND 
THE  INFLU- 
ENCE OF 
COLLECTIVE 
TRADITION 
UPON  THE 
INDIVIDUAL. 


^  One  must  sell  it  to  some  one,  the  sacred  name  of  love. 

2  Making  it  up  as  we  goes  along. 

3  The  law  of  the  jungerl. 

*  Let  me  blush  to  think  of  all  those  halfwayhoist  pullovers. 
^  I'd  like  his  pink's  cheek. 

"  P>ech  devil  in  red  hairing!   So  that's  why  you  ran  away  to  sea,  Mrs 
Lappy.  Leap  mc,  Locklaun,  for  you  have  sensed ! 
'  A  washable  lovable  floatable  doll. 


268 


I 


knowledge  that  often  hate  on  first  hearing 
comes  of  love  by  second  sight.  Have  your 
little  sintalks  in  the  dunk  of  sub  junctions,  dual 
in  duel  and  prude  with  pruriel,  but  even  the 
aoriest  chaparound  whatever  plaudered  perfect 
anent  prettydotes  and  haec  genua  omnia  may 
perhaps  chance  to  be  about  to  be  in  the  case  to 
be  becoming  a  pale  peterwright  in  spite  of  all 
your  tense  accusatives  whilstly  you're  wall- 
floored^  like  your  gerandiums  for  the  better 
half  of  a  yearn  or  sob.  It's  a  wild's  kitten,  my 
dear,  who  can  tell  a  wilkling  from  a  warthog. 
For  you  may  be  as  practical  as  is  predicable 
but  you  must  have  the  proper  sort  of  accident 
to  meet  that  kind  of  a  being  with  a  difference.^ 
Flame  at  his  fumbles  but  freeze  on  his  fist.^ 
Every  letter  is  a  godsend,  ardent  Ares,  brusque 
Boreas  and  glib  Ganymede  like  zealous  Zeus, 
the  O'Meghisthest  of  all.  To  me  or  not  to  me. 
Satis  thy  quest  on.  Werbungsap !  Jeg  suis,  vos 
JJndante  wore  a  gentleman,  thou  arr,  I  am  a  quean.  Is 

mnoroso,  a  game  over?  The  game  goes  on.  Cookcook! 

|.M.  50-50.  Search  me.  The  beggar  the  maid  the  bigger 

>vK€XaPov  the  mauler.  And  the  greater  the  patrarc  the 

griefer  the  pinch.  And  that's  what  your  doctor 
knows.  O  love  it  is  the  commonknounest  thing 
how  it  pashes  the  plutous  and  the  paupe.* 
Pop  I  And  egg  she  active  or  spoon  she  passive, 
all  them  fine  clauses  in  Lindley's  and  Murrey's 
never  braught  the  participle  of  a  present  to  a 
desponent  hortatrixy,  vindicatively  I  say  it. 


^  With  her  poodle  feinting  to  be  let  off  and  feeling  dead  in  herself.  Is  love 
worse  living? 

-  If  she  can't  follow  suit  Renee  goes  to  the  pack. 

^  Improper  frictions  is  maledictions  and  mens  uration  makes  me  mad. 
*  Llong  and  Shortts  Primer  of  Black  and  White  Wenchcraft. 


269 


ril  go  for  that 
small  polly  if 
you  II  suck  to 
your  lebbens- 
quatsch. 


O'MaraFarrelL 
Verse  hwindibus. 


Ulstriay 


from  her  postconditional  future.^  Lumpsome 
is  who  lumpsum  pays.  Quantity  counts  though 
accents  faker.  Yoking  apart  and  oblique  ora- 
tions parsed  to  one  side,  a  brat,  alanna,  can 
choose  from  so  many,  be  he  a  sollicitor's 
appendix,  a  pipe  clerk  or  free  functionist 
flyswatter,  that  perfect  little  cad,  from  the 
languors  and  weakness  of  limberlimbed  lassi- 
hood  till  the  head,  back  and  heartaches  of 
waxedup  womanage  and  heaps  on  heaps  of 
other  things  too.  Note  the  Respectable  Irish 
Distressed  Ladies  and  the  Merry  Mustard 
Frothblowers  of  Humphreystown  Associa- 
tions. Atac  first,  queckqueck  quicks  after. 
Beware  how  in  that  hist  subtaile  of  schlangder^ 
lies  liaison  to  tease  oreilles !  To  vert  embowed 
set  proper  penchant.  But  learn  from  that  ancient 
tongue  to  be  middle  old  modern  to  the  minute. 
A  spitter  that  can  be  depended  on.  Though 
Wonderlawn's  lost  us  for  ever.  Alis,  alas,  she  ! 
broke  the  glass!  Liddell  lokker  through  the 
leafery,  ours  is  mistery  of  pain.^  You  may  spin  j 
on  youthlit^s  bike  and  multiplease  your  Mike 
and  Nike  with  your  kickshoes  on  the  algebrars 
but,  volve  the  virgil  page  and  view,  the  O  of 
woman  is  long  when  burly  those  two  muters 
sequent  her  so  from  Nebob*  see  you  never 
stray  who'll  nimm  you  nice  and  nehm  the  day. 

One  hath  just  been  areading,  hath  not  one, 
ya,  ya,  in  their  memoiries  of  Hireling's  puny 
wars,  end  so,  und  all,  ga,  ga,  of  The  O'Brien, 


CONCOMI- 
TANCE OF 
COURAGE, 


^  The  gaggles  all  out. 

2  He's  just  bug  nuts  on  white  mate  he  hasn't  tlie  teath  nor  the  grits  to  choo 
and  that's  what's  wrong  with  Lang  Wang  Wurm,  old  worbbling  goesbelly. 

^  Dear  and  I  trust  in  all  frivolity  I  may  be  pardoned  for  trespassing  but  I 
think  I  may  add  hell. 

He  is  my  all  menkind  of  every  desception. 


270 


i 
I 

L 


Monastir, 
Leninstar  and 
Connecticut. 

Cliopatria,  thy 
hosies  history. 


The  Eroico 
Furioso  makes 
he  valet  like 
miling. 


I 


^he  hyper  ape  the 
hink  he  groves  the 
2oleyou  see  nowfor 
-ush  sake^  chaw  ley/ 


The  O'Connor,  The  Mac  Loughlin  and  The 
Mac  Namara  with  summed  their  appondage, 
da,  da,  of  Sire  Jeallyous  Seizer,  that  gamely 
torskmester,^  with  his  duo  of  druidesses  in  ready 
money  rompers^  and  the  tryonforit  of  Oxthie- 
vious,  Lapidous  and  Malthouse  Anthemy.  You 
may  fail  to  see  the  lie  of  that  layout,  Suetonia,^ 
but  the  reflections  which  recur  to  me  are  that 
so  long  as  beauty  life  is  body  love^  and  so  bright 
as  Mutua  of  your  mirror  holds  her  candle  to 
your  caudle,  lone  lefthand  likeless,  sombring 
Autum  of  your  Spring,  reck  you  not  one  spirt 
of  anyseed  whether  trigemelimen  cuddle  his 
coddle  or  nope.  She'll  confess  it  by  her  figure 
and  she'll  deny  it  to  your  face.  If  you're  not 
ruined  by  that  one  she  won't  do  you  any 
whim.  And  then.^  What  afters  it.'^  Gruff  Gunne 
may  blow,  Gam  Gonna  flow,  the  gossans  eye 
the  jennings  aye.  From  the  butts  of  Heber  and 
Heremon,  nolens  volens^  brood  our  pansies, 
brune  in  brume.  There's  a  split  in  the  infinitive 
from  to  have  to  have  been  to  will  be.  As  they 
warred  in  their  big  innings  ease  now  we  never 
shall  know.  Eat  early  earthapples.  Coax  Cobra 
to  chatters.  Hail,  Heva,  we  hear!  This  is  the 
glider  that  gladdened  the  girl^  that  list  to  the 
wind  that  lifted  the  leaves  that  folded  the 
fruit  that  hung  on  the  tree  that  grew  in  the 
garden  Gough  gave.  Wide  hiss,  we're  wizen- 


COUNSEL 
AND  CON- 
STANCY. 
ORDINATION 
OF  OMEN, 
ONUS  AND 
OBIT.  DIS- 
TRIBUTION 
OF  DANGER, 
DUTY  AND 
DESTINY. 
POLAR  PRIN- 
CIPLES. 


^  All  his  teeths  back  to  the  front,  then  the  moon  and  then  the  moon  with 
a  hole  behind  it. 

^  Skip  one,  flop  fore,  jennies  in  the  cabbage  store. 
^  None  of  your  cumpohlstery  English  here! 

*  Understudy  my  understandings,  Sostituda,  and  meek  thine  compline- 
ment,  gymnufleshed. 

^  Tho'  I  have  one  just  like  that  to  home,  deadleaf  brown  with  quicksilver 
appliques,  would  whollymost  applissiate  a  nice  shiny  sleekysilk  out  of  that 
slippering  snake  charmeuse. 

271 


Pige  pas. 


Seidliti  powther 
for  slogan 
plumpers. 


Hoploits  and 
atthems. 


ing.  Hoots  fromm,  we're  globing.  Why  hidest 
thou  hinder  thy  husband  his  name?  Leda,  Lada,  | 
aflutter-afraida,  so  does  your  girdle  grow! 
Willed  without  witting,  whorled  without 
aimed.  Pappapassos,  Mammamanet,  warwhets- 
wut  and  whowitswhy.^  But  it's  tails  for 
toughs  and  titties  for  totties  and  come 
buckets  come  bats  till  deeleet.^ 

Dark  ages  clasp  the  daisy  roots,  Stop,  if  you 
are  a  sally  of  the  allies,  hot  off  Minnowaurs 
and  naval  actiums,  picked  engagements  and 
banks  of  rowers.  Please  stop  if  you're  a 
B.C.  minding  missy,  please  do.  But  should 
you  prefer  A.D.  stepplease.  And  if  you  miss 
with  a  venture  it  serves  you  girly  well  glad. 
But,  holy  Janus,  I  was  forgetting  the  Blitzen- 
kopfs!  Here,  Hengegst  and  Horsesauce,  take 
your  heads^  out  of  that  taletub!  And  leave 
your  hinnyhennyhindyou !  It's  haunted.  The 
chamber.  Of  errings.  Whoan,  tug,  trace, 
stirrup!  It  is  distinctly  understouttered  that, 
sense  you  threehandshighs  put  your  twofoot- 
large  timepates  in  that  dead  wash  of  Lough 
Murph  and  until  such  time  pace  one  and  the 
same  Messherrn  the  grinning  statesmen.  Brock 
and  Leon,  have  shunted  the  grumbling 
coundedtouts,  Starlin  and  Ser  Artur  Ghinis. 
Foamous  homely  brew,  bebattled  by  bottle, 
gageure  de  guegerre.*  Bull  igien  bear  and 
then  bearagain  bulligan.  Gringrin  gringrin. 
Staffs  varsus  herds  and  bucks  vursus  barks. 


PANOPTICAL 
PURVIEW  OF 
POLITICAL 
PROGRESS 
AND  THE 
FUTURE  PRE- 
SENTATION 
OF  THE  PAST. 


'  What's  that,  ma'am?  says  I. 

2  As  you  say  yourself. 

^  That's  the  lethemuse  but  it  washes  off. 

*  Where  he  fought  the  shessock  of  his  stimmstammer  and  we  caught  the 
pepettes  of  our  lovelives. 


272 


m 


Curragh 
machree,  me 
bosthoon  fiend, 

Femilies  hug 
hank! 


'  All  we  suffered 
under  them  Cow- 
dung  Forks  and 
how  we  enjoyed 
over  our  pick  of 
the  hasketfild. 
Old  Kirns 
Meat  Meal 


Fliefliefor  the 
jillies  and  a 
bombambum 
for  the 

nappotondus. 


\ 


By  old  Grumbledum's  walls.  Bumps,  bellows 
and  bawls.^  Opprimor's  down,  up  up  Opima! 
Rents  and  rates  and  tithes  and  taxes,  wages, 
saves  and  spends.  Heil,  heptarched  span  of 
peace  1^  Live,  league  of  lex,  nex  and  the  mores! 
Fas  est  dass  and  foe  err  you.  Impovernment 
of  the  booble  by  the  bauble  for  the  bubble.  So 
wrap  up  your  worries  in  your  woe  (wumpum- 
tum!)  and  shake  down  the  shuffle  for  the 
throw.  For  there's  one  mere  ope^  for  down- 
fall ned.  As  Hanah  Levy,  shrewd  shroplifter, 
and  nievre  anore  skidoos  with  her  spoileds.* 
To  add  gay  touches.  For  hugh  and  guy  and 
goy  and  jew.  To  dimpled  and  pimpled  and 
simpled  and  wimpled.  A  peak  in  a  poke  and  a 
pig  in  a  pew.^  She  wins  them  by  wons,  a  haul 
hectoendecate,  forjmangay  mumbo  jumbjubes 
tak  mutts  and  jeffs  muchas  bracelonettes 
gracies  barcelonas.^  O  what  a  loovely  free- 
speech  'twas  (tep)'  to  gar  howalively  hinter- 
grunting!  Tip.  Like  lilt  of  larks  to  burdened 
crocodile,^  or  skittering  laubhing  at  that 
wheeze  of  old  windbag,  Blusterboss,  blow- 
harding  about  all  he  didn't  do.  Hell  o'  your 
troop!  With  is  the  winker  for  the  muckwits 
of  willesly  and  nith  is  the  nod  for  the  umproar 
napollyon  and  hitheris  poorblond  piebold 
hoerse.  Huirse.  With  its  tricuspidal  hauberk- 


^  Shake  eternity  and  lick  creation. 
^  I'm  blest  if  I  can  see. 

^  Hoppity  Huhneye,  hoosh  the  hen.  I  like  cluckers,  you  like  nuts  (wink). 
*  Sweet,  medium  and  dry  like  altar  wine. 
^  Who'll  buy  me  penny  babies? 

®  Well,  Maggy,  I  got  your  castoff  devils  all  right  and  fits  lovely.  And  am 
vaguely  graceful.  Maggy  dianks. 
'  My  six  is  no  secret,  sir,  she  said. 

®  Yes,  there,  Tad,  thanks,  give,  from,  tathair,  look  at  that  now. 


273 


Murdoch. 


Pas  ci*action, 
peu  de  sauce. 


From  the  seven 
tents  of  Joseph 
till  the  calends  oj 
Mary  Marian, 
olivehunkered 
and  thorny  too. 


As  Shakefork 
might  pitch  it. 


helm  coverchaf  emblem  on.  For  the  man  that 
broke  the  ranks  on  Monte  Sin j  on.  The  all- 
riddle  of  it?  That  that  is  allruddy  with  us, 
ahead  of  schedule,  which  already  is  plan  accom- 
plished from  and  syne:  Daft  Dathy  of  the  Five 
Positions  (the  death  ray  stop  him!)  is  still,  as 
reproaches  Paulus,  on  the  Madderhorn  and, 
entre  chats  and  hobnobs,^  daring  Dunderhead 
to  shiver  his  timbers  and  Hannibal  mac  Hamil- 
tan  the  Hegerite^  (more  livepower  elbow  him !) 
ministerbuilding  up,  as  repreaches  Timothy, 
in  Saint  Barmabrac's.^  Number  Thirty  two 
West  Eleventh  streak  looks  on  to  that  (may 
all  in  the  tocoming  of  the  sempereternal  speel 
spry  with  it!)  datetree  doloriferous  which 
more  and  over  leafeth  earlier  than  every 
growth  and,  elfshot,  headawag,  with  frayed 
nerves  wondering  till  they  feeled  sore  like  any 
woman  that  has  been  born  at  all  events  to  the 
purdah  and  for  the  howmanyeth  and  how- 
movingth  time  at  what  the  demons  in  that 
jackhouse  that  jerry  built  for  Massa  and  Missus 
and  hijo  de  puta,  the  sparksown  fermament  of 
the  starryk  fieldgosongingon  where  blows 
a  nemone  at  each  blink  of  windstilH  they 
were  sliding  along  and  sleeting  aloof  and 
scouting  around  and  shooting  about.  All- 
whichwhile  or  whereaballoons  for  good 
vaunty  years  Dagobert  is  in  Clane's  clean 
hometown  prepping  up  his  prepueratory 
and  learning  how  to  put  a  broad  face  bronzily 
out  through  a  broken  breached  meataerial 


'  Go  up  quick,  stay  so  long,  come  down  slow! 

2  If  I  gnows  me  gneesgnobs  the  both  of  him  is  gnatives  of  Genuas. 

^  A  glass  of  peel  and  pip  for  Mr  Potter  of  Texas,  please. 

^  All  the  world  loves  a  big  gleaming  jelly. 


274 


it 


l0 


m 


,1 
h 


I  smell  a  cat. 


\Two  makes  a 
wing  at  the  ma- 
croscope 
telluspeep. 


From  the  Buffalo 
Times  of  bysone 
days. 


yuick  quake 
uokes  the  par- 
otbook  of  dates. 


from  Bryan  Awlining!  Erin's  hircohaired 
culoteer.^ 

And  as,  these  things  being  so  or  ere  those 
things  having  done,  way  back  home  in  Pacata 
Auburnia,2  (untillably  holy  gammel  Eire)  one 
world  burrowing  on  another,  (if  youVe  got 
me,  neighbour,  in  any  large  lumps,  geek?,  and 
got  the  strong  of  it)  Standfest,  our  topiocal 
sagon  hero,  or  any  otther  macotther,  signs  is 
on  the  bellyguds  bastille  back,  bucked  up  with 
fullness,  and  silvering  to  her  jubilee,^  birch- 
leaves  her  jointure,  our  lavy  in  waving,  visage 
full  of  flesh  and  fat  as  a  hen's  i'  forehead, 
Airyanna  and  Blowyhart  topsirturvy,  that 
royal  pair  in  their  palace  of  quicken  boughs 
hight  The  Goat  and  Compasses  ('phone 
number  17:69,  if  you  want  to  know^)  his  sea- 
arm  strongsround  her,  her  velivole  eyne  aship- 
wracked,  have  discusst  their  things  of  the 
past,  crime  and  fable  with  shame,  home  and 
profit,^  why  lui  lied  to  lei  and  hun  tried  to  kill 
ham,  scribbledehobbles,  in  whose  veins  runs 
a  mixture  of,  are  head  bent  and  hard  upon. 
Spell  me  the  chimes.  They  are  tales  all  tolled.* 
Today  is  well  thine  but  where's  may  tomorrow 
be.  But,  bless  his  cowly  head  and  press  his 
crankly  hat,  what  a  world's  woe  is  each's 


FROM  CENG- 
GENETIC  DI- 
CHOTOMY 
THROUGH 
DIAGONISTIC 
CONCILI- 
ANCE  TO 
DYNASTIC 
CONTINU- 
ITY. 


^  A  pengeneepy  for  your  warcheekeepy. 

2  My  globe  goes  gaddy  at  geography  giggle  pending  which  time  I  was 
looking  for  my  shoe  all  through  Arabia. 

^  It  must  be  some  bugbear  in  the  gender  especially  when  old  which  they 
all  soon  get  to  look. 

*  After  me  looking  up  the  plan  in  Humphrey's  Justice  of  the  Piece  it  said  to 
see  preseeding  chaps. 

^  O  boyjones  and  hairyoddities !  Only  noane  told  missus  of  her  massas 
behaving  she  would  laugh  that  flat  that  after  that  she  had  sanked  down  on  her 
fat  arks  they  would  shaik  all  to  sheeks. 

®  Traduced  into  jinglish  janglage  for  the  nusances  of  dolphins  bom. 


275 


Some  is  out  for 
twoheaded  dul- 
carnons  but  more 
pulfers  turnips. 

Omnitudes  in  a 
hnutshedelL 


For  all  us  kids 
under  his  aegis. 


Saving  the  public 
his  health. 


Superlative  abso- 
lute of  Porter- 
stown. 


other's  weariness  waiting  to  beadroll  his  own 
properer  mistakes,  the  backslapping  glad- 
hander,^  free  of  his  florid  future  and  the  other 
singing  likeness,  dirging  a  past  of  bloody  altars, 
gale  with  a  blost  to  him,  dove  without  gall. 
And  she,  of  the  jilldaw's  nest^  who  tears  up 
lettereens  she  never  apposed  a  pen  upon.^  Yet 
sung  of  love  and  the  monster  man.  What's 
Hiccupper  to  hem  or  her  to  Hagaba?  Ough, 
ough,  brieve  kindli!* 

Dogs'  vespers  are  anending.  Vespertilia- 
bitur.  Goteshoppard  quits  his  gabhard  cloke 
to  sate  with  Becchus.  Zumbock!  Achevre! 
Yet  wind  will  be  ere  fadervor^  and  the  hour  of 
fruminy  and  bergoo  bell  if  Nippon  have  pearls 
or  opals  Eldorado,  the  daindy  dish,  the  leaking 
out!  Gipoo,  good  oil!  For  (hushmagandy!) 
long  'tis  till  gets  bright  that  all  cocks  waken 
and  birds  Diana^  with  dawnsong  hail.  Aught 
darks  flou  a  duskness.  Bats  that?  There  peepee- 
strilling.  At  Brannan's  on  the  moor.  At  Tam 
Fanagan's  weak  yat  his  still's  going  Strang. 
And  still  here  is  noctules  and  can  tell  things 
acommon  on  by  that  fluffy  feeling.  Larges 
loomy  wheelhouse  to  bodgbox*^  lumber  up 
with  hoodie  hearsemen  carrawain  we  keep 
is   peace    who   follow    his   law,  Sunday 


THE  MON- 
GREL UNDER 
THE  DUNG- 
MOUND. 
SIGNIFI- 
CANCE OF 
THE INFRA- 
LIMINAL  IN- 
TELLIGENCE. 
OFFRANDES. 


^  He  gives  me  pulpititions  with  his  Castlecowards  never  in  these  twowsers 
and  ever  in  those  twawsers  and  then  babeteasing  us  out  of  our  hoydenname. 

2  My  goldfashioned  bother  near  drave  me  roven  mad  and  I  dyeing  to 
keep  my  linefree  face  like  readymaid  maryangs  for  jollycomes  smashing 
Holmes. 

^  What  I  would  like  is  a  jade  louistone  to  go  with  the  moon's  increscent. 

*  Parley  vows  the  Askinwhose?  I  do,  Ida.  And  how  to  call  the  catde  black. 
Moopetsi  meepotsi. 

^  I  was  so  snug  off  in  my  apholster's  creedle  but  at  long  leash  I'll  stretch 
more  capritious  in  his  dapplepied  bed. 

•  Pipette.  I  can  almost  feed  their  sweemess  at  my  lisplips. 
'  A  liss  in  hunterland. 

276 


I 

I 

t 


Why  so  mucky 
pick  bridges 
pan  our  Flumi- 
\ian  road, 

^.C.  Helmut's  in 
he  Cottonwood, 
Istnin, 

The  throne  is  an 
mhrella  strande 
nd  a  sceptre  s  a 
tick, 

'ady  jewel y  our 
'aktar  deer, 

rautamed  bud- 
\ers  deossiphys- 
ig  our  Theas, 


y  lineal  in  pon- 
is  overthepoise. 


King.i  His  sevencoloured's  soot  (Ochone! 
Ochonal!)^  and  his  imponence  one  heap  lump- 
block  (Mogoul!).  And  rivers  burst  out  like 
weeming  racesround  joy  drinks  for  the  fewnral- 
ly,^  where  every  feaster's  a  Foster's  other,  fian- 
nians  all.*  The  wellingbreast,  he  willing  giant, 
the  mountain  mourning  his  duggedy  dew.  To 
obedient  of  civicity  in  urbanious  at  felicity 
what'U  yet  meek  Mike^  our  diputy  mimber  when 
he's  head  on  poll  and  Peter's  burgess  and  Miss 
Mishy  Mushy  is  tiptupt  by  Toft  Taft.  Boblesse 
gobleege.  For  as  Anna  was  at  the  beginning 
lives  yet  and  will  return  after  great  deap  sleap 
rerising  and  a  white  night  high  with  a  cows  of 
Drommhiem  as  shower  as  there's  a  wet  en- 
clouded  in  Westwicklow  or  a  little  black  rose  a 
truant  in  a  thorntree.  We  drames  our  dreams 
tell  Bappy  returns.  And  Sein  annews.  We  will 
not  say  it  shall  not  be,  this  passing  of  order  and 
order's  coming,  but  in  the  herbest  country  and 
in  the  country  around  Blath  as  in  that  city  self 
of  legionds  they  look  for  its  being  ever  yet.  So 
shuttle  the  pipers  done.^  Eric  aboy!^  And  it's 
time  that  all  paid  tribute  to  this  massive  mor- 
tiality,  the  pink  of  punk  perfection  as  photo- 
graphy in  mud.  Some  may  seek  to  dodge  the 


^  I  wonder  if  I  put  the  old  buzzerd  one  night  to  suckle  in  Millickmaam's 
honey  like  they  use  to  emballem  some  of  the  special  popes  with  a  book  in  his 
hand  and  his  mouth  open. 

^  And  a  ripping  rude  rape  in  his  lucreasious  togery. 

^  Will  ye  nought  would  wet  your  weapons,  warriors  bard? 

*  Roe,  Williams,  Bewey,  Greene,  Gorham,  McEndicoth  and  Vyler,  the 
lays  of  ancient  homes. 

^  The  stanidsglass  effect,  you  could  sugerly  swear  buttermilt  would  not 
melt  down  his  dripping  ducks. 

^  Thickathigh  and  Thinathews  with  sant  their  dam. 

'  Oh,  could  we  do  with  this  waddled  of  ours  like  that  redbanked  profanian 
with  his  bakset  of  yosters. 

277 


Pitchcap  and 
triangle^  noose 
and  tinctunc. 


Uncle  Flahbius 
Muximus  to 
Niecia  Flappia 
Minnimiss,  As 
this  is.  And  as 
this  this  is. 

Dear  Brotus, 
land  me  arrears. 


Rockahyy  bahel^ 
flatten  a  wall. 

How  he  broke  the 
good  news  to 
Gent, 


gobbet  for  its  quantity  of  quality  but  who 
wants  to  cheat  the  choker's  got  to  learn  to 
chew  the  cud.  Allwhichhole  scrubs  on  scroll 
circuminiuminluminatedhave  encuoniams  here 
and  improperies  there.^  With  a  pansy  for  the 
pussy  in  the  corner.^ 

Bewise  of  Fanciulla's  heart,  the  heart  of 
Fanciulla!  Even  the  recollection  of  willow 
fronds  is  a  spellbinder  that  lets  to  hear.^  The 
rushes  by  the  grey  nuns'  pond:  ah  eh  oh  let 
me  sigh  too.  Coalmansbell:  behoves  you 
handmake  of  the  load.  Jenny  Wren:  pick,  peck. 
Johnny  Post:  pack,  puck.*  All  the  world's  in 
want  and  is  writing  a  letters.^  A  letters  from  a 
person  to  a  place  about  a  thing.  And  all  the 
world's  on  wish  to  be  carrying  a  letters.  A  let- 
ters to  a  king  about  a  treasure  from  a  cat.* 
When  men  want  to  write  a  letters.  Ten  men, 
ton  men,  pen  men,  pun  men,  wont  to  rise  a 
ladder.  And  den  men,  dun  men,  fen  men,  fun 
men,  hen  men,  hun  men  wend  to  raze  a  leader. 
Is  then  any  lettersday  from  many  peoples, 
Daganasanavitch?  Empire,  your  outermost.' 
A  posy  cord.  Piece. 

We  have  wounded  our  way  on  foe  tris 
prince  till  that  force  in  the  gill  is  faint  afarred 


INCIPIT  IN- 
TERMISSIO. 


MAJOR  AND 
MINOR 


^  Gosem  pher,  gezumpher,  greeze  a  jarry  grim  felon!  Good  bloke  him! 

^  And  if  they  was  setting  on  your  stool  as  hard  as  my  was  she  could  beth 
her  bothom  dolours  he'd  have  a  culious  impressiom  on  the  diminitive  that 
chafes  our  ends. 

^  When  Tarn  Enastella  and  am  taken  for  Essastessa  I'll  do  that  droop  on  the 
pohlmann's  piano. 

*  Heavenly  twinges,  if  it's  one  of  his  I'll  fearly  feint  as  swoon  as  he  enter- 
rooms. 

^  To  be  slipped  on,  to  be  slept  by,  to  be  conned  to,  to  be  kept  up.  And  when 
you're  done  push  the  chain. 
®  With  her  modesties  office. 

'  Strutting  as  proud  as  a  great  turquin  weggin  that  cuckhold  on  his  Eddems 
and  Clay's  hat. 

278 


and  the  face  in  the  treebark  feigns  afear.  This 
is  rainstones  ringing.  Strangely  cuh  for  this 
ceasing  of  the  yore.  But  Erigureen  is  ever. 
Pot  price  pon  patrilinear  plop,  if  the  osseletion 
of  the  onkring  gives  omen  nome.'^  Since  alls 
war  that  end  war  let  sports  be  leisure  and 
bring  and  buy  fair.  Ah  ah  athclete,  blest  your 
bally  bathfeet!  Towntoquest,  fortorest,  the 
hour  that  hies  is  hurley.  A  halt  for  hearsake.^ 

^  Come,  smooth  of  my  slate,  to  the  beat  of  my  blosh!  With  all  these  gelded 
ewes  jilting  about  and  the  thrills  and  ills  of  laylock  blossoms  three's  so  much 
more  plants  than  chants  for  cecilies  that  I  was  thinking  fairly  killing  times  of 
putting  an  end  to  myself  and  my  malody,  when  I  remembered  all  your  pupil- 
teacher's  erringnesses  in  perfection  class.  You  sh'undn't  write  you  can't  if  you 
w'udn't  pass  for  undevelopmented.  This  is  the  propper  way  to  say  that,  Sr.  If 
it's  me  chews  to  swallow  all  you  saidn't  you  can  eat  my  words  for  it  as  sure  as 
there's  a  key  in  my  kiss.  Quick  erit  faciofacey.  When  we  will  conjugate  to- 
gether toloseher  tomaster  tomiss  while  morrow  fans  amare  hour,  verbe  de  vie 
and  verve  to  vie,  with  love  ay  loved  have  I  on  my  back  spine  and  does  for 
ever.  Your  are  me  severe?  Then  rue.  My  intended,  Jr,  who  I'm  throne  away 
on,  (here  he  inst,  my  lifstack,  a  newfolly  likon)  when  I  slip  through  my  pettigo 
I'll  get  my  decree  and  take  seidens  when  I'm  not  ploughed  first  by  some 
Rolando  the  Lasso,  and  flaunt  on  the  flimsyfilmsies  for  to  grig  my  collage 
juniorees  who,  though  they  flush  fuchsia,  are  they  octette  and  viginity  in  my 
shade  but  always  my  figurants.  They  may  be  yea  of  my  year  but  they're  nary 
nay  of  my  day.  Wait  till  spring  has  sprung  in  spickness  and  prigs  beg  in  to  pry 
they'll  be  plentyprime  of  housepets  to  pimp  and  pamper  my.  Impending  mar- 
riage. Nature  tells  everybody  about  but  I  learned  all  the  runes  of  the  gamest 
game  ever  from  my  old  nourse  Asa.  A  most  adventuring  trot  is  her  and  she 
vicking  well  knowed  them  all  heartswise  and  fourwords.  How  Olive  d'Oyly 
and  Winnie  Carr,  bejupers,  they  reized  the  dressing  of  a  salandmon  and  how  a 
peeper  coster  and  a  salt  sailor  med  a  mustied  poet  atwaimen.  It  most  have 
bean  Mad  Mullans  planted  him.  Bina  de  Bisse  and  Trestrine  von  Terrefin. 
Sago  sound,  rite  go  round,  kill  kackle,  kook  kettle  and  (remember  all  should 
I  forget  to)  bolt  the  thor.  Auden.  Wasn't  it  just  divining  that  dog  of  a  dag 
in  Skokholme  as  I  sat  astrid  uppum  their  Drewitt's  altar,  as  cooledas  as  cul- 
cumbre,  slapping  my  straights  till  the  sloping  ruins,  postillion,  postallion,  a 
swinge  a  swank,  with  you  offering  me  clouts  of  illscents  and  them  horners 
stagstruck  on  the  leasward!  Don't  be  of  red,  you  blanching  mench!  This 
Isabella  I'm  on  knows  the  ruelles  of  the  rut  and  she  don't  fear  andy  mandy.  So 
sing  loud,  sweet  cheeriot,  like  anegreon  in  heaven !  The  good  fother  with  the 
twingling  in  his  eye  will  always  have  cakes  in  his  pocket  to  bethroat  us  with 
for  our  allmichael  good.  Amum.  Amum.  And  Amum  again.  For  tough  troth 
is  stronger  than  fortuitous  fiction  and  it's  the  surplice  money,  oh  my  young 
friend  and  ah  me  sweet  creature,  what  buys  the  bed  while  wits  borrows  the 
clothes. 


MODES  COA- 
LESCING 
PROLIFER- 
ATE HOMO- 
GENUINE 
HOMOGEN- 
EITY. 


279 


Bihelous  hies- 
wry  and  Barbar- 
assa  harestary. 


A  shieling  in  cop^ 
fingers  and  por- 
rish  soup  all  days. 

How  matches 
metroosers? 


Le  helos  tombaut 
soul  sur  la  jambe 
de  marche. 


A  scene  at  sight.  Or  dreamoneire.  Which 
they  shall  memorise.  By  her  freewritten 
Hopely  for  ear  that  annalykeses  if  scares  for 
eye  that  sumns.  Is  it  in  the  now  woodwordings 
of  our  sweet  plantation  where  the  branchings 
then  will  singingsing  tomorrows  gone  and 
yesters  outcome  as  Satadays  aftermoon  lex 
leap  smiles  on  the  twelvemonthsminding? 
Such  is.  Dear  (name  of  desired  subject,  A.N.), 
well,  and  I  go  on  to.  Shlicksher.  I  and  we 
(tender  condolences  for  happy  funeral,  one 
if)  so  sorry  to  (mention  person  suppressed  for 
the  moment,  F.M.).  Well  (enquiries  after  all- 
healths)  how  are  you  (question  maggy).  A 
lovely  (introduce  to  domestic  circles)  pershan 
of  cates.  Shrubsher.  Those  pothooks  mostly 
she  hawks  from  Poppa  Vere  Foster  but  these 
curly  mequeues  are  of  Mippa's  moulding. 
Shrubsheruthr.  (Wave  gently  in  the  ere  turn- 
ing ptover.)  Well,  mabby  (consolation  of 
shopes)  to  soon  air.  With  best  from  cinder 
Christinette  if  prints  chumming,  can  be  when 
desires  Soldi,  for  asamples,  backfronted  or, 
if  all,  peethrolio  or  Get  my  Prize,  using  her 
flower  or  perfume  or,  if  veryveryvery  chum- 
ming, in  otherwards,  who  she  supposed  adeal, 
kissists  my  exits.  Shlicksheruthr.  From  Auburn 
chenlemagne.  Pious  and  pure  fair  one,  all  has 
concomitated  to  this  that  she  shall  tread  them 
lifetrees  leaves  whose  silence  hitherto  has 
shone  as  sphere  of  silver  fastalbarnstone,  that 
fount  Bandusian  shall  play  liquick  music  and 
after  odours  sigh  of  musk.  Blotsbloshblothe, 
one  dear  that  was.  Sleep  in  the  water,  drug  at 
the  fire,  shake  the  dust  off  and  dream  your  one 
who  would  give  her  sidecurls  to.  Till  later 

280 


Mai  maintenante 
lie  est  venuse. 


Twos  Dons  Johns 
^hrees  Tony 
iskins. 


ilso  Spuke 
erothruster. 


saxum  shillum 
)r  the  sextum 
It  nothums  for 
lat  parridge 


east. 


Lammas  is  led  in  by  baith  our  washwives,  a 
weird  of  wonder  tenebrous  as  that  evil  thorn- 
garth,  a  field  of  faery  blithe  as  this  flowing  wild. 

Aujourd'hui  comme  aux  temps  de  Pline  et  de 
Columelle  la  jacinthe  se  plait  dans  les  Gaules, 
la  pervenche  en  Illyrie,  la  marguerite  sur  les 
mines  de  Numance^  et  pendant  quautour  d'elles 
les  villes  ont  changi  de  maitres  et  de  noms,  que 
plusieurs  sont  entrees  dans  le  neanty  que  les 
civilisations  se  sont  choquees  et  brisees^  leurs 
paisihles  generations  ont  traversi  les  ages  et  sont 
arrivees  jusqua  nous,  fraiches  et  riantes  comme 
aux  jours  des  batailles,^ 

Margaritomancy!  Hyacinthinous  pervinci- 
veness!  Flowers.  A  cloud.  But  Bruto  and 
Cassio  are  ware  only  of  trifid  tongues^  the 
whispered  wilfulness,  ('tis  demonal!)  and  sha- 
dows shadows  multiplicating  (il  folsoletto  nel 
falsoletto  col  fazzolotto  dal  fuzzolezzo),*  to- 
tients  quotients,  they  tackle  their  quarrel.  Sicka- 
moor's  so  woful  sally.  Ancient's  aerger.  And 
eachway  bothwise  glory  signs.  What  if  she 
love  Sieger  less  though  she  leave  Ruhm  moan? 
That's  how  our  oxyggent  has  gotten  ahold  of 
half  their  world.  Moving  about  in  the  free  of 
the  air  and  mixing  with  the  ruck.  Enten  eller, 
either  or. 

And! 

Nay,  rather! 


THE  PART 
PLAYED  BY 
BELLETRI- 
STICKS IN 
THE  BELLUM- 
PAX-BEL- 
LUM. 

MUTUOMOR- 

PHOMUTA- 

TION. 


SORTES VIR- 
GINIANAE. 


INTERROGATION. 
EXCLAMATION. 


^  The  nasal  foss  of  our  natal  folkfarthers  so  so  much  now  for  Valsing- 
giddyrex  and  his  grand  arks  day  triump. 

2  Translout  that  gaswind  into  turfish,  Teague,  that's  a  good  bog  and  you, 
Thady,  poliss  it  off,  there's  a  nateswipe,  on  to  your  blottom  pulper. 

^  You  daredevil  donnelly,  I  love  your  piercing  lots  of  lies  and  your  flashy 
foreign  mail  so  here's  my  cowrie  card,  I  dalgo,  with  all  my  exes,  wise  and  sad. 

*  All  this  Mitchells  is  a  niggar  for  spending  and  I  will  go  to  the  length  of 
seeing  that  one  day  Big  Mig  will  be  nickleless  himself. 

281 


Tricks  stunts. 


Truckeys  cant 
for  dactyl  and 
spondee. 


Panoplous  pere- 
grine pifflicative 
pomposity. 


ITS  GIVE  AND  TAKE. 


AUSPICIUM. 
AUGURIA. 
DIVINITY 
NOT  DEITY 
THE  UNCER- 
TAINTY JUS- 
TIFIED BY 
OUR  CERTI- 
TUDE. 
EXAMPLES. 


With  sobs  for  his  job,  with  tears  antithesis  of  ambi- 
for  his  toil,  with  horror  for  his  squalor  dual  anticipation. 
but  with  pep  for  his  perdition,^  lo,  the  ^he  mind  factory, 
boor  plieth  as  the  laird  hireth  him. 
Boon  on  begyndelse. 
At  maturing  daily  gloryaims!^ 
A  flink  dab  for  a  freck  dive  and  a  stern  poise 
for  a  swift  pounce  was  frankily  at  the  manual 
arith  sure  enough  which  was  the  bekase  he 
knowed  from  his  cradle,  no  bird  better,  why 
his  fingures  were  giving  him  whatfor  to  fife 
with.  First,  by  observation,  there  came  boko 
and  nigh  him  wigworms  and  nigh  him  tittlies 
and  nigh  him  cheekadeekchimple  and  nigh 
him  pickpocket  with  pickpocketpumb,  pick- 
pocketpoint,  pickpocketprod,  pickpocket- 
promise  and  upwithem.  Holy  Joe  in  lay 
Eden.^  And  anyhows  always  after  them  the 
dimpler  he  weighed  the  fonder  fell  he  of  his 
null  four  lovedroyd  curdinals,  his  element  cur- 
dinal  numen  and  his  enement  curdinal  marryng 
and  his  epulent  curdinal  weisswassh  and  his 
eminent  curdinal  Kay  O'Kay.  Always  would 
he  be  reciting  of  them,  hoojahs  koojahs,  up  by 
rota,  in  his  Fanden's  catachysm  from  fursed  to 
laced,  quickmarch  to  decemvers,  so  as  to  pin  the 
tenners,  thumbs  down.  And  anon  and  aldays, 
strues  yerthere,  would  he  wile  arecreating  em 
om  lumerous  ways,  caiuscounting  in  the 
scale  of  pin  puff  pive  piff,  piff  puff  pive  poo, 
poo  puff  pive  pree,  pree  puff  pive  pfoor,  pfoor 
puff  pive  pippive,  poopive,*   Niall  Dhu, 

^  Wliile  I'll  wind  the  wildwoods'  bluckbells  among  my  window's  weeds. 

Lawdy  Dawdy  Simpers. 
^  But  where,  O  where,  is  me  lickle  dig  done? 

*  That's  his  whisper  waltz  I  like  from  Pigott's  with  that  Lancydancy  step. 
Stop. 

282 


i  


Non  plus  ulstra, 
Elba,  neCy  c  as  hel- 
ium tuum. 


Dondderwedder 
KyhoshicksaL 


Foughty  Unn,  Enoch  Thortig,  endso  one,  like 
to  pitch  of  your  cap,  pac,  on  to  tin  tall  spilli- 
cans.^  To  sum,  borus  pew  notus  pew  eurus 
pew  zipher.  Ace,  deuce,  tricks,  quarts,  quims. 
Mumtiplay  of  course  and  carry  to  their  whole 
number.  While  on  the  other  hand,  traduced 
by  their  comedy  nominator  to  the  loaferst 
terms  for  their  aloquent  parts,  sexes,  suppers, 
oglers,  novels  and  dice.^  He  could  find  (the 
rakehelly!)  by  practice  the  valuse  of  thine-to- 
mine  articles  with  no  reminder  for  an  equality 
of  relations  and,  with  the  helpings  from  his 
tables,  improduce  fullmin  to  trumblers,  links 
unto  chains,  weys  in  Nuffolk  till  tods  of 
Yorek,  oozies  ad  libs  and  several  townsends, 
several  hundreds,  civil-to-civil  imperious 
gallants  into  gells  (Irish),  bringing  alliving 
stone  allaughing  down  to  grave  clothnails  and 
a  league  of  archers,  fools  and  lurchers  under 
the  rude  rule  of  fumb.  What  signifieth  whole 
that^  but,  be  all  the  prowess  of  ten,  'tis  as 
strange  to  relate  he,  nonparile  to  rede,  rite  and 
reckan,  caught  allmeals  duUmarks  for  his 
nucleuds  and  alegobrew.  They  wouldn't  took 
bearings  no  how  anywheres.  O  them  dodd- 
hunters  and  allanights,  aabs  and  baas  for 
agnomes,  yees  and  zees  for  incognits,  bate 
him  up  jerrybly!  Worse  nor  herman  doror- 
rhea.  Give  you  the  fantods,  seemed  to  him. 
They  ought  to  told  you  every  last  word  first 
stead  of  trying  every  which  way  to  kinder 
smear  it  out  poison  long.  Show  that  the 

^  Twelve  buttles  man,  twentyeight  bows  of  curls,  forty  bonnets  woman 
and  ever  youthfully  yours  makes  alleven  add  the  hundred. 

2  Gamester  Damester  in  the  road  to  Rouen  he  grows  more  like  his  deed 
every  die. 

^  Slash-the-Pill  lifts  the  pellet.  Run,  Phoenix,  run! 

283 


J 


A  stodge  An- 
gleshman  has 
been  worked  by 
eccentricity. 


An  oxygon  is  na- 
turally reclined 
to  rest. 


Ba  be  bi  bo  bum. 


median,  hce  che  ech,  interecting  at  royde 
angles  the  parilegs  of  a  given  obtuse  one  bis- 
cuts  both  the  arcs  that  are  in  curveachord 
behind.  Brickbaths.  The  family  umbroglia. 
A  Tullagrove  pole^  to  the  Height  of  County 
Fearmanagh  has  a  septain  inclinaison^  and  the 
graphplot  for  all  the  functions  in  Lower 
County  Monachan,  whereat  samething  is  rivi- 
sible  by  nighttim,  may  be  invoked  into  the 
zeroic  couplet,  palls  pell  inhis  heventh  glike 
noughty  times  oo,  find,  if  you  are  not  literally 
cooefficient,  how  minney  combinaisies  and  per- 
mutandies  can  be  played  on  the  international 
surd!  pthwndxrclzp!,  bids  cubid  rute  being 
extructed,  taking  anan  illitterettes,ififif  at  a  tom. 
Answers,  (for  teasers  only).^  Ten,  twent,  thirt, 
see,  ex  and  three  icky  totchty  ones.  From 
solation  to  solution.  Imagine  the  twelve 
deaferended  dumbbawls  of  the  whowl  above- 
beugled  to  be  the  contonuation  through 
regeneration  of  the  urutteration  of  the  word 
in  pregross.  It  follows  that,  if  the  two  ante- 
sedents  be  bissyclitties  and  the  three  come- 
seekwenchers  trundletrikes,  then,  Aysha  Lali- 
pat  behidden  on  the  footplate,  Big  Whiggler* 
restant  upsittuponable,  the  nCr^  presents  to 
us  (tandem  year  at  lasted  length!)  an  otto- 
mantic  turquo-indaco  of  pictorial  shine  by 
pictorial  shimmer  so  long  as,  gad  of  the  gidday, 
pictorial  summer,  viridorefulvid,  lits  asheen, 


^  Dideney,  Dadeney,  Dudeney,  O,  I'd  know  that  putch  on  your  poll. 
2  That  is  tottinghim  in  his  boots. 

^  Come  all  ye  hapney  coachers  and  support  the  richview  press. 

*  Braham  Baruch  he  married  his  cook  to  Massach  McKraw  her  uncle-in- 
law  who  wedded  his  widow  to  Hjalmar  Kjaer  who  adapted  his  daughter  to 
Braham  the  Bear.  V  for  wadlock,  P  for  shift,  H  for  Lona  the  Konkubine. 

*  A  gee  is  just  a  jay  on  the  jaunts  cowsway. 

284 


Finnfinnotus  of 


.incinnatu 


nirthurgink' s 

lussies  and 
^verguins  men. 


Jomdenombres/ 
'he  balbearians. 


but  (lenz  alack  lends  a  lot),  if  this  habby  cyclic 
erdor  be  outraciously  enviolated  by  a  mierelin 
roundtableturning,  like  knuts  in  maze,  the  zitas 
runnind  hare  and  dart^  with  the  yeggs  in 
their  muddle,  like  a  seven  of  wingless  arrows, 
hodgepadge,  thump,  kick  and  hurry,  all  boy 
more  missis  blong  him  he  race  quickfeller  all 
same  hogglepiggle  longer  house  blong  him,^ 
while  the  catched  and  dodged  exarx  seems 
himmulteemiously  to  beem  (he  wins  her  hend! 
he  falls  to  tail!)  the  ersed  ladest  mand^  and 
(uhu  and  uhud!)  the  losed  farce  on  erro- 
roots,*  twalegged  poneys  and  threehandled 
dorkeys  (madahoy,  morahoy,  lugahoy,  jog- 
ahoyaway)  mPm  brings  us  a  rainborne  pamto- 
momiom,  aqualavant  to  (cat  my  dogs,  if  I 
baint  dingbushed  like  everything!)  kaksitoista 
volts  yksitoista  volts  kymmenen  volts  yhdek- 
san  volts  kahdeksan  volts  seitseman  volts  kuusi 
volts  viisi  volts  nelja  volts  kolme  volts  kaksi 
volts  yksi!allahthallacamellated,  caravan  series 
to  the  finish  of  helve's  fractures.^  In  outher 
wards,  one  from  five,  two  to  fives  ones,  one 
from  fives  two  millamills  with  a  mill  and  a 
half  a  mill  and  twos  twos  fives  fives  of  bully 
clavers.  For  a  surview  over  all  the  factionables 
see  Iris  in  the  Evenine's  World.^  Binomeans 
to  be  comprendered.  Inexcessible  as  thy  by 
god  ways.  The  aximones.  And  their  prosta- 


^  Talking  about  trilbits. 

^  Barneycorrall,  a  precedent  for  the  prodection  of  curiosity  from  children. 
^  A  pfurty  pscore  of  ruderic  rossies  haremhorde  for  his  divelsion. 

*  Look  at  your  mad  father  on  his  boneshaker  fraywhaling  round  Myriom 
square. 

^  Try  Asia  for  the  assphalt  body  with  the  concreke  soul  and  the  forequarters 
of  the  moon  behinding  out  of  his  phase. 

*  Tomatoes  malmalaid  with  De  Quinceys  salade  can  be  tastily  served  with 
Indiana  Blues  on  the  violens. 

285 


Vive  Paco 
Hunter/ 

The  hoisted  in 
red  and  the  low- 
ered in  black. 


The  boss's  bess 
bass  is  the  browd 
of  Mullingar. 


OF  COM- 
MONEST EX- 
PERIENCES 
BEFORE  APO- 
THEOSIS OF 
THE  LUSTRAL 
PRINCIPIUM. 


The  aliments  of 
jiimeantry. 


lutes.  For  his  neuralgiabrown. 
Equal  to  =  aosch. 

P.t.l.O.a.t.O.  HEPTAGRAMMATON. 

So,  bagdad,  after  those  initials  falls  and  that  hypotheses 
primary  taincture,  as  I  know  and  you  know 
yourself,  begath,  and  the  arab  in  the  ghetto 
knows  better,  by  nettus,  nor  anymeade  or 
persan,  comic  cuts  and  series  exerxeses  always 
were  to  be  capered  in  Casey's  frost  book  of, 
page  torn  on  dirty,  to  be  hacked  at  Hickey's, 
hucksler,  Wellington's  Iron  Bridge,  and  so,  by 
long  last,  as  it  would  shuffle  out,  must  he  to 
trump  adieu  atout  atous  to  those  cardinhands 
he  a  big  deal  missed,  radmachrees  and  rosse- 
cullinans  and  blagpikes  in  suitclover.  Dear 
hearts  of  my  counting,  would  he  revoke  them, 
forewheel  to  packnumbers,  and,  the  time  being 
no  help  fort,  plates  to  lick  one  and  turn  over. 

Problem  ye  ferst,  construct  ann  aquilittoral 
dryankle  Probe  loom !  With  his  primal  hand- 
stoe  in  his  sole  salivarium.  Concoct  an  equo- 
angular  trillitter.^  On  the  name  of  the  tizzer 
and  off  the  tongs  and  off  the  mythametical 
tripods.  Beatsoon. 

Can  you  nei  do  her,  numb.'^  asks  Dolph,^ 
suspecting  the  answer  know.  Oikkont,  ken 
you,  ninny.'^  asks  Kev,^  expecting  the  answer 
guess.^  Nor  was  the  noer  long  disappointed 
for  easiest  of  kisshams,  he  was  made  vicewise. 
Oc,  tell  it  to  oui,  do,  Sem!  Well,  'tis  oil  thusly. 
First  mull  a  mugfuU  of  mud,  son.^  Oglores, 


INGENIOUS 
LABOUR- 
TENACITY 
AS  BETWEEN 
INGENUOUS 
AND  LIBERTINE. 

PROPE  AND 
PROCUL  IN 
THE  CON- 
VERGENCE 
OF  THEIR 
CONTRAPUL- 
SIVENESS. 


^  As  Rhombulus  and  Rhebus  went  building  rhomes  one  day. 

2  The  trouveller. 

^  Of  the  disorded  visage. 

*  Singlebarrelled  names  for  doubleparalleled  twixtytwins. 

^  Like  pudging  a  spoon  fist  of  sugans  into  a  sotspot  of  choucolout. 

286 


1 


w 

J/ ill 


the  virtuoser  prays,  olorum!  What  the  D.V. 
would  I  do  that  for?  That's  a  goosey's  gans- 
wer  you're  for  giving  me,  he  is  told,  what  the 
Deva  would  you  do  that  for?^  Now,  sknow 
royol  road  to  Puddlin,  take  your  mut  for  a 
first  beginning,  big  to  bog,  back  to  bach. 
Wolsherwomens  Anny  liffle  mud  which  cometh  out  of  Mam 
at  their  weirdst,  will  doob,  I  guess.  A.i.  Amnium  instar.  And 
to  find  a  locus  for  an  alp  get  a  howlth  on  her 
bayrings  as  a  prisme  O  and  for  a  second  O 
unbox  your  compasses.  I  cain  but  are  you 
able.'^  Amicably  nod.  Gu  it!  So  let's  seth  off 
betwain  us.  Prompty.'*  Mux  your  pistany  at  a 
point  of  the  coastmap  to  be  called  a  but  pro- 
nounced olfa.  There's  the  isle  of  Mun,  ah! 
O!  Tis  just.  Benel  Now,  whole  in  applepine 
odrer^ 

(for — husk,  hisk,  a  spirit  spires — Dolph,  dean  of  idlers,  meager 
suckling  of  gert  stoan,  though  barekely  a  balbose  boy,  he  too,  — 
venite,  preterm,^  sine  mora  dumque  de  entibus  nascituris  decentius  in 
lingua  romana  mortuorum  parva  chartula  liviana  ostenditur,  seden- 
tes  in  letitiae  super  ollas  carnium^  spectantes  immo  situm  lutetiae  unde 
auspiciis  secundis  tantae  consurgent  humanae  stirpes,  antiquissimam 
flaminum  amhorium  Jordani  et  Jamhaptistae  mentihus  revolvamus 
sapientiam:  totum  tute  fluvii  modo  mundo  fluere,  eadem  quae  ex 
aggere  fututa  fuere  iterum  inter  alveum  fore  futura,  quodlihet  sese 
ipsum  per  aliudpiam  agnoscere  contrarium,  omnem  demun  amnem 
ripis  rivalibus  amplecti^  —  recurrently  often,  when  him  moved  he 
would  cake  their  chair,  coached  rebelliumtending  mikes  of  his 
same  and  over  his  own  choirage  at  Backlane  Univarsity,  among  of 
which  pupal  souaves  the  pizdrool  was  pulled  up,  bred  and  bat- 

^  Will  you  walk  into  my  wave  trap?  said  the  spiter  to  the  shy. 
2  If  we  each  could  always  do  all  we  ever  did. 
^  Dope  in  Canorian  words  we've  made.  Spish  from  the  Doc. 
*  Basqueesh,  Finnican,  Hungulash  and  Old  Teangtaggle,  the  only  pure 
way  to  work  a  curse. 

287 


tered,  for  a  dillon  a  dollar,^  chanching  letters  for  them  vice  oVerse 
to  bronze  mottes  and  blending  tschemes  for  em  in  tropadores  and 
doublecressing  twofold  thruths  and  devising  tingling  tailwords 
too  whilest,  cunctant  that  another  would  finish  his  sentence  for 
him,  he  druider  would  smilabit  eggways^  ned,  he,  to  don't  say 
nothing,  would,  so  prim,  and  pick  upon  his  ten  ordinailed  ungles, 
trying  to  undo  with  his  teeth  the  knots  made  by  his  tongue, 
retelling  humself  by  the  math  hour,  long  as  he's  brood,  a  reel  of 
funnish  ficts  apout  the  shee,  how  faust  of  all  and  on  segund 
thoughts  and  the  thirds  the  charmhim  girlalove  and  fourther- 
more  and  filthily  with  bag  from  Oxatown  and  baroccidents  and 
proper  accidence  and  hoptohill  and  hexenshoes,  in  fine  the  whole 
damning  letter;  and,  in  point  of  feet,  when  he  landed  in  ourland's 
leinster^  of  saved  and  solomnones  for  the  twicedhecame  time,  off 
Lipton's  strongbowed  launch,  the  Lady  Eva^  in  a  tan  soute  of 
sails*  he  converted  it's  nataves,  name  saints,  young  ordnands, 
maderaheads  and  old  unguished  P.T.  Publikums,  through  the 
medium  of  znigznaks  with  sotiric  zeal,  to  put  off  the  barcelonas^ 
from  their  peccaminous  corpulums  (Gratings,  Mr  Dane!)  and 
kiss  on  their  bottes  (Master!)  as  often  as  they  came  within  blood- 
shot of  that  other  familiar  temple  and  showed  «m  the  celestine 
way  to  by  his  tristar  and  his  flop  hattrick  and  his  perry  humdrum 
dumb  and  numb  nostrums  that  he  larned  in  Hymbuktu,^  and  that 
same  galloroman  cultous  is  very  prevailend  up  to  this  windiest  of 
landhavemiseries  all  over  what  was  beforeaboots  a  land  of  nods,  in 
spite  of  all  the  bloot,  all  the  braim,  all  the  brawn,  all  the  brile,  that 
was  shod,  that  were  shat,  that  was  shuk  all  the  while,  for  our 
massangrey  if  mosshungry  people,  the  at  Wickerworks,^  still  hold 

^  An  ounceworth  of  onions  for  a  pennyawealth  of  sobs. 

2  Who  brought  us  into  the  yellow  world ! 

3  Because  it's  run  on  the  mountain  and  river  system. 

*  When  all  them  allied  sloopers  was  ventitillated  in  their  poppos  and, 
sliding  down  by  creek  and  veek,  stole  snaking  out  to  sea. 

^  They  were  plumped  and  plumed  and  jerried  and  citizens  and  racers,  and 
cinnamondhued. 

®  Creeping  Crawleys  petery  parley,  banished  to  his  native  Ireland  from 
erring  under  Ryan. 

'  Had  our  retrospectable  fearfurther  gatch  mutchtatches.^ 

288 


ford  to  their  healing  and^  byleave  in  the  old  weights  downupon 
the  Swanny,  innovated  by  him,  the  prence  di  Propagandi,  the 
chrism  for  the  christmass,  the  pillar  of  the  perished  and  the  rock 
o'ralereality,  and  it  is  veritably  belied,  we  belove,  that  not  allsods 
of  esoupcans  that's  in  the  queen's  pottage  post  and  not  allfinesof 
greendgold  that  the  Indus  contains  would  overhinduce  them, 
(o.p.)  to  steeplechange  back  once  from  their  ophis  workship  and 
twice  on  sundises,  to  their  ancient  flash  and  crash  habits  of  old 
Pales  time  ere  beam  slewed  cable^  or  Derzherr,  live  wire,  fired 
Benj ermine  Funkling  outa  th'Empyre,  sin  righthand  son;  which, 
cummal,  having  listed  curefully  to  the  interlocking  and  the  under- 
lacking  of  her  twentynine  shifts  or  his  continental's  curses,  pum- 
mel, apostrophised  Byrne's  and  Flamming's  and  Furniss's  and 
Bill  Hayses's  and  Ellishly  Haught's,  hoc,  they  (t.a.W.),  sick 
or  whole,  stiff  or  sober,  let  drop  as  a  doombody  drops,  with- 
out another  ostrovgods  word  eitherways,  in  their  own  lineal 
descendance,  as  priesto  as  puddywhack,^  coal  on:*  and,  as  we 
gang  along  to  gigglehouse,  talking  of  molniacs'  manias  and 
missions  for  mades  to  scotch  the  schlang  and  leathercoats  for 
murty  magdies,  of  course  this  has  blameall  in  that  medeoturanian 
world  to  say  to  blessed  by  Pointer  the  Grace's  his  privates  judges 
ments^  whenso  to  put  it,  disparito,  duspurudo,  desterrado,  des- 
pertieu^  or,  saving  his  presents  for  his  own  onefriend  Bevradge, 
Conn  the  Shaughraun;  but  to  return  for  a  moment  from  the 
reptile's  age^  to  the  coxswain  on  the  first  landing  (page  Ainee 
Riviere!)  if  the  pretty  Lady  Elisabbess,  Hotel  des  Ruines  —  she 
laid  her  batsleeve  for  him  two  trueveres  tell  love  (on  the  Ides  of 
Valentino's,  at  Idleness,  Floods  Area,  Isolade,  Liv's  lonely 
daughter,  with  the  Comes  Tichiami,  of  Prima  Vista,  Abroad, 
suddenly),  and  beauty  alone  of  all  dare  say  when  now,  uncrowned, 

^  That  is  to  sight,  when  cleared  of  factions,  vulgure  and  decimating. 
2  They  just  spirits  a  body  away. 
^  Patatapadatback. 

*  Dump  her  (the  missuse). 
^  Fox  him!  The  leggy  coh! 

*  Do  he  not  know  that  walleds  had  wars.  Harring  man,  is  neow  king.  This 
is  modeln  times. 


289 


dcceptered,  in  what  niche  of  time^  is  Shee  or  where  in  the  rose 
world  trysting,  that  was  the  belle  of  La  Chapelle,  shapely  Liselle^ 
and  the  peg-of-my-heart  of  all  the  tompull  or  on  whose  limbs-to- 
lave  her  semicupiose  eyes  now  kindling  themselves  are  brightning,^ 
O  Shee  who  then  (4.32  m.p.,  old  time,  to  be  precise,  according  to 
all  three  doctors  waterburies  that  was  Mac  Auliffe  and  poor  Mac- 
Beth  and  poor  MacGhimley  to  the  tickleticks,  of  the  synchron- 
isms, all  lauschening,  a  time  also  confirmed  seven  sincuries  later  by 
the  quatren  medical  johnny,  poor  old  MacAdoo  MacDollett,  with 
notary,^  whose  presence  was  required  by  law  of  Devine  Fore- 
sygth  and  decretal  of  the  Douge)  who  after  the  first  compliments* 
med  darkist  day  light,  gave  him  then  that  vantage  of  a  Blinken- 
sope's  cuddlebath  at  her  proper  mitts  —  if  she  then,  the  then  that 
matters,  —  but,  seigneur  I  she  could  never  have  forefelt,  as  she  yet 
will  fearfeel,  when  the  lovenext  breaks  out,  such  a  coolcold 
douche  as  him,  the  totterer,  the  four-flights-the-charmer,  doub- 
ling back,  in  nowtime,^  bymby  when  saltwater  he  wush  him  these 
iselands,  O  alorsl,  to  mount  miss  (the  wooeds  of  Fogloot!)  under 
that  chemise  de  fer  and  a  vartryproof  name,  Multalusi  (would  it 
wash?)  with  a  cheek  white  peaceful  as,  wen  shall  say,  a  single  pro- 
fessed claire's®  and  his  washawash  tubatubtub  and  his  diagonoser's 
lampblick,  to  pure  where  they  where  hornest  girls,  to  buy  her  in 
par  jure^  il  you  plait,  nuncandtunc  and  for  simper,  and  other  duel 
mavourneens  in  plurible  numbers  from  Arklow  Vikloe  to  Louth 
super  Luck,  come  messes,  come  mams,  and  touch  your  spottprice 
(for  'twas  he  was  the  born  suborner,  man)  on  behalf  of  an  oldest 
ablished  firma  of  winebakers,  Lagrima  and  Gemiti,  later  on,  his 
craft  ebbing,  invoked  by  the  unirish  title,  Grindings  of  Nash,'  the 

^  Muckross  Abbey  witli  the  creepers  taken  off. 
2  Joke  and  Jilt  will  have  their  tilt. 
^  Old  Mamalujorum  and  Rawrogerum. 
*  Why  have  these  puerile  blonds  those  large  flexible  ears.'' 
^  Pomeroy  Roche  of  Portobello,  or  the  Wreck  of  the  Ragamuffin. 
®  No  wonder  Miss  Dotsh  took  to  veils  and  she  descended  from  that 
obloquohy. 

'  The  bookley  with  the  rusin's  hat  is  Patomkin  but  I'm  blowed  if  I  knowed 
who  the  slave  is  doing  behind  the  curtain. 


290 


One  and  Only,  Unic  bar  None,  of  Saint  Yves  by  Landsend  com- 
wer,  man  —  ship  me  silver!,  it  must  have  been,  faw!  a  terrible 
mavrue  mavone,  to  synamite  up  the  old  Adam-he-used-to,  such  a 
finalley,  and  that's  flat  as  Tut's  fut,  for  whowghowho?  the  poour 
girl,  a  lonely  peggy,  given  the  bird,  so  inseuladed  as  Crampton's 
peartree,  (she  sail  eurn  bitter  bed  by  thirt  sweet  of  her  face!),  and 
short  wonder  so  many  of  the  tomthick  and  tarry  members  in  all 
there  subsequious  ages  of  our  timocracy  tipped  to  console  with  her 
at  her  mirrorable  gracewindow'd  hut^  till  the  ives  of  Man,  the 
O'Kneels  and  the  OTrayins  and  the  O'Hyens  of  Lochlaunstown 
and  the  O'Hollerins  of  Staneybatter,  hollyboys,  all,  burryripe 
who'll  buy?,^  in  juwelietry  and  kickychoses  and  madornaments 
and  that's  not  the  finis  of  it  (would  it  were!) — but  to  think  of  him 
foundling  a  nelliza  the  second,^  also  cliptbuss  (the  best  was  still 
there  if  the  torso  was  gone)  where  he  did  and  when  he  did,  re- 
triever to  the  last*  —  escapes  my  forgetness  now  was  it  dust- 
covered,  mm  de  Lieu !  on  lapse  or  street  ondown,  through,  for  or 
from  a  foe,  by  with  as  on  a  friend,  at  the  Rectory?  Vicarage  Road? 
Bishop's  Folly?  Papesthorpe?,  after  picket  fences,  stonewalls,  out 
and  ins  or  oxers  —  for  merry  a  valsehood  whisprit  he  to  manny  a 
lilying  earling;^  and  to  try  to  analyse  that  ambo's  pair  of  brace- 
leans  akwart  the  rollyon  trying  to  amarm  all^  of  that  miching 
micher's  bearded  but  insensible  virility  and  its  gaulish  mous- 
taches, Dammad  and  Groany,  into  her  limited  {tuff,  tuff,  que  tu  es 
pitrel)  lapse  at  the  same  slapse  for  towelling  ends'  in  their  dolight- 
ful  Sexsex  home,  Somehow-at-Sea  (O  little  oily  head,  sloper's 
brow  and  prickled  ears!)  as  though  he,  a  notoriety,  a  foist  edition, 
were  a  wrigular  writher  neonovene  babe !®  —  well,  diarmuee  and 

lOhcelOhce! 

^  Six  and  seven  the  League. 

^  It's  all  round  me  hat  I'll  wear  a  drooping  dido. 

*  Have  you  ever  thought  of  a  hitching  your  stem  and  being  ourdeaned, 
Mester  Bootenfly,  here's  me  and  Myrtle  is  twinkling  to  know. 
^  To  show  they  caught  preferment. 
^  See  the  freeman's  cuticatura  by  Fennella. 
'  Just  one  big  booty's  pot. 

®  Charles  de  Simples  had  an  infirmierity  complexe  before  he  died  a  natural 
death. 

291 


granyou  and  Vae  Vinctis^  if  that  is  what  lamoor  that  of  gentle 
breast  rathe  is  intaken  seems  circling  toward  out  yondest  (it's 
life  that's  all  chokered  by  that  batch  of  grim  rushers)  heaven 
help  his  hindmost  and,  mark  mo,  if  the  so  greatly  displeaced 
diorems  in  the  Saint  Lubbock's  Day  number  of  that  most  improv- 
ing of  roundshows.  Spice  and  Westend  Woman  (utterly  exhausted 
before  publication,  indiapepper  edition  shortly),  are  for  our  in- 
dices, it  agins  to  pear  like  it,  par  my  fay,  and  there  is  no  use  for  your 
pastripreaching  for  to  cheesse  it  either  or  praying  fresh  fleshblood 
claspers  of  young  catholick  throats  on  Huggin  Green^  to  take 
warning  by  the  prispast,  why?,  by  cows  * .  *  man,  in  shirt,  is  how 
he  is  piu  la  gonna  e  mobile  and  .  * .  they  wonet  do  ut;  and,  an  you 
could  peep  inside  the  cerebralised  saucepan  of  this  eer  illwinded 
goodfornobody,  you  would  see  in  his  house  of  thoughtsam  (was 
you,  that  is,  decontaminated  enough  to  look  discarnate)  what  a 
jetsam  litterage  of  convolvuli  of  times  lost  or  strayed,  of  lands 
derelict  and  of  tongues  laggin  too,  longa  yamsayore,  not  only  that 
but,  search  lighting,  beached,  bashed  and  beaushelled  d  la  Mer 
pharahead  into  faturity,  your  own  convolvulis  pickninnig  capman 
would  real  to  jazztfancy  the  novo  takin  place  of  what  stale  words 
whilom  were  woven  with  and  fitted  fairly  featly  for,  so;  and 
equally  so,  the  crame  of  the  whole  faustian  fustian,  whether  your 
launer's  lightsome  or  your  soulard's  schwearmood,  it  is  that, 
whenas  the  swiftshut  scareyss  of  our  pupilteachertaut  duplex  will 
hark  back  to  lark  to  you  symibellically  that,  though  a  day  be  as 
dense  as  a  decade,  no  mouth  has  the  might  to  set  a  mearbound  to 
the  march  of  a  landsmaul,^  in  half  a  sylb,  helf  a  solb,  holf  a  salb  on- 
ward^ the  beast  of  boredom,  common  sense,  lurking  gyrographi- 
cally  down  inside  his  loose  Eating  S.S.  collar  is  gogoing  of 
whisth  to  you  sternly  how  —  Plutonic  loveliaks  twinnt  Platonic 
yearlings  —  you  must,  how,  in  undivided  reawlity  draw  the  line 
somewhawre) 

^  Where  Buickly  of  the  Glass  and  Bellows  pumped  the  Rudge  engineral. 
2  Matter  of  Brettaine  and  brut  fierce. 

^  Bussmullah,  cried  Lord  Wolsley,  how  me  Aunty  Mag'll  row! 


292 


i 


teralterance  or 
e  Interplay  of 
ones  in  the 
'^omb. 


he  Vortex, 
mng  of Sprung 
erse.  The  Ver- 


Coss?  Cossist?  Your  parn!  You,  you  make 
what  name?  (and  in  truth,  as  a  poor  soul  is 
between  shift  and  shift  ere  the  death  he  has 
lived  through  becomes  the  life  he  is  to  die 
into,  he  or  he  had  albut  —  he  was  rickets  as  to 
reasons  but  the  balance  of  his  minds  was 
stables  —  lost  himself  or  himself  some  som- 
nione  sciupiones,  soswhitchoverswetch  had 
he  or  he  gazet,  murphy  come,  murphy  go, 
murphy  plant,  murphy  grow,  a  maryamyria- 
meliamurphies,  in  the  lazily  eye  of  his  lapis, 


WHY  MY  AS 
LIKEWISE 
WHIS  HIS. 


Vieus  Von  DVbLIn,  'twas  one  of  dozedeams 
a  darkies  ding  in  dewood)  the  Turnpike  under 
the  Great  Ulm  (with  Mearingstone  in  Fore 
ground).^  Given  now  ann  linch  you  take  enn 
all.  Allow  me!  And,  heaving  alljawbreakical 
expressions  out  of  old  Sare  Isaac's^  universal 
of  specious  aristmystic  unsaid,  A  is  for  Anna 
like  L  is  for  liv.  Aha  hahah.  Ante  Ann  you're 
apt  to  ape  aunty  annalive!  Dawn  gives  rise. 
Lo,  lo,  lives  love!  Eve  takes  fall.  La,  la,  laugh 
leaves  alass!  Aiaiaiai,  Antiann,  we're  last  to 
the  lost,  Loulou!  Tis  perfect.  Now  (lens 


^  Draumcondra's  Dreamcountry  where  the  betterlies  blow. 

2  O,  Laughing  Sally,  are  we  going  to  be  toadhauntered  by  that  old  Pantifox 

Sir  Somebody  Something,  Burtt,  for  the  rest  of  our  secret  stripture? 


293 


Sarga,  or  the 
path  of  outgoing. 


Docetism  and 
Didicism^  Maya- 
Thaya.  Tamas- 
Rajas-Sattvas, 


your  dappled  yeye  here,  mine's  presbyoperian, 
shill  and  wall)  we  see  the  copyngink  strayed- 
line  AL  (in  Fig.,  the  forest)  from  being  con- 
tinued, stops  ait  Lambday^:  Modder  ilond 
there  too.  Allow  me  anchore!  I  bring  down 
noth  and  carry  awe.  Now,  then,  take  this  in! 
One  of  the  most  murmurable  loose  caroUaries 
ever  Ellis  threw  his  cookingclass.  With  Olaf 
as  centrum  and  OlaPs  lambtail  for  his  spokes- 
man circumscript  a  cyclone.  Allow  ter!  Hoop! 
As  round  as  the  calf  of  an  egg!  O,  dear 
me!  O,  dear  me  now!  Another  grand  dis- 
cobely!  After  Makefearsome's  Ocean.  You've 
actuary  entducked  one!  Quok!  Why,  you 
haven't  a  passer!  Fantastic!  Early  clever, 
surely  doomed,  to  Swift's,  alas,  the  galehus! 
Match  of  a  matchness,  like  your  Bigdud  dadder 
in  the  boudeville  song,  Gorotsky  Gollovars 
Troubles^  raucking  his  flavourite  turvku  in 
the  smukking  precincts  of  lydias,^  with  Mary 
Owens  and  Dolly  Monks  seesidling  to  edge 
his  cropulence  and  Blake-Roche,  Kingston 
and  Dockrell  auriscenting  him  from  afurz,  our 
papacocopotl,^  Abraham  Bradley  King.^  (tirig 
ting!  ting  ting!)  By  his  magmasine  fall.  Lumps, 
lavas  and  all.'*  Bene!  But,  thunder  and  turf,  it's 
not  alover  yet!  One  recalls  Byzantium.  The 
mystery  repeats  itself  todate  as  our  callback 
mother  Gaudyanna,  that  was  daughter  to  a 
tanner,^  used  to  sing,  as  I  think,  now  and  then 
consinuously  over  her  possetpot  in  her  quer 


^  Ex  jup  pep  off  Carpenger  Strate.  The  kids'  and  dolls'  home.  Makeacake- 
ache. 

^  A  vagrant  need  is  a  flagrant  weed. 

^  Grand  for  blowing  off  steam  when  you  walk  up  in  the  morning. 
*  At  the  foot  of  Bagnabun  Banbasday  was  lost  on  one. 
^  We're  all  found  of  our  anmal  matter. 


294 


ft/ 

ml 


The  Vegetable 
\Cell  and  its  Pri- 
vate Properties, 


^he  haves  and 
le  havenots:  a 
Istinction, 


homolocous  humminbass  hesterdie  and  ist- 
herdie  forivor.^  Vanissas  Vanistatums !  And 
for  a  night  of  thoughtsendyures  and  a  day.  As 
Great  Shapesphere  puns  it.  In  effect,  I  re- 
mumble,  from  the  yules  gone  by,  purr  lil  mur- 
rerof  myhind,  so  she  used  indeed.  When  she 
give  me  the  Sundaclouths  she  hung  up  for 
Tate  and  Comyng  and  snuffed  out  the  ghost 
in  the  candle  at  his  old  game  of  haunt  the 
sleepper.  Faithful  departed.  When  Fm  dream- 
ing back  like  that  I  begins  to  see  we're  only 
all  telescopes.  Or  the  comeallyoum  saunds. 
Like  when  I  dromed  I  was  in  Dairy  and  was 
wuckened  up  with  thump  in  thudderdown. 
Rest  in  peace!  But  to  return.^  What  a  wonder- 
ful memory  you  have  too!  Twonderful 
morrowy !  Straorbinaire !  Bene!  I  bring  town 
eau  and  curry  nothung  up  my  sleeve.  Now, 
springing  quickenly  from  the  mudland  Loosh 
from  Luccan  with  AUhim  as  her  Elder  tetra- 
turn  a  somersault.  All's  fair  on  all  fours,  as 
my  instructor  unstrict  me.  Watch !  And  you'll 
have  the  whole  inkle.  Allow,  allow!  Gyre  O, 
gyre  O,  gyrotundo!  Hop  lala!  As  umpty 
herum  as  you  seat!  O,  dear  me,  that  was  very 
nesse!  Very  nace  indeed!  And  makes  us  a 
daintical  pair  of  accomplasses !  You,  alius  for 
the  kunst  and  me  for  omething  with  a  handel 
to  it.  Bevel  Now,  as  will  pressantly  be  felt, 
there's  tew  tricklesome  poinds  where  our 
twain  of  doubling  bicirculars,  mating  approxe- 
metely  in  their  suite  poi  and  poi,  dunloop 
into  eath  the  ocher.  Lucihere. !  I  fee  where  you 


^  Sewing  up  the  beillybursts  in  their  buckskin  shiorts  for  big  Kapitayn 
Killykook  and  the  Jukes  of  Kelleiney. 

2  Say  where !  A  timbrelfill  of  twinkletinkle. 


Zweispaltung  as 
Fundemaintalish 
of  IViederher- 
stellung. 


mea.  The  doubleviewed  seeds.  Nun,  lemmas 
quatsch,  vide  pervoys  akstiom,  and  I  think  as 
Fm  suqeez  in  the  limon,  stickme  punctum,  but 
for  semenal  rations  I'd  likelong,  by  Araxes, 
to  mack  a  capital  Pee  for  Pride  down  there 
on  the  batom^  where  Hoddum  and  Heave,  our 
monsterbilker,  balked  his  bawd  of  parodies. 
And  let  you  go,  Airmienious,  and  mick  your 
modest  mock  Pie  out  of  Humbles  up  your 
end.  Where  your  apexojesus  will  be  a  point 
of  order.  With  a  geing  groan  grunt  and  a 
croak  click  cluck.^  And  my  faceage  kink  and 
kurkle  trying  to  make  keek  peep.^  Are  you 
right  there,  Michael,  are  you  right.'^  Do  you 
think  you  can  hold  on  by  sitting  tight.'^  Well, 
of  course,  it's  awful  angelous.  Still  I  don't  feel 
it's  so  dangelous.  Ay,  I'm  right  here.  Nickel, 
and  I'll  write.  Singing  the  top  line  why  it 
suits  me  mikey  fine.  But,  yaghags  hogwarts 
and  arrahquinonthiance,  it's  the  muddest  thick 
that  was  ever  heard  dump  since  Eggsmather 
got  smothered  in  the  plap  of  the  pfan.  Now, 
to  compleat  anglers,  beloved  bironthiarn  and 
hushtokan  hishtakatsch,  join  alfa  pea  and 
pull  loose  by  dotties  and,  to  be  more 
sparematically  logoical,  eelpie  and  paleale  by 
trunkles.  Alow  me  align  while  I  encloud 
especious!  The  Nike  done  it.  Like  pah,'*  I  peh. 
Innate  little  bondery.  And  as  plane  as  a  poke 
stifT.^  Now,  aqua  in  buccal.  I'll  make  you  to 
see  figuratleavely  the  whome  of  your  eternal 


^  Parsee  ffrench  for  the  upholdsterer  would  be  delightered. 
2  I'll  pass  out  if  the  screw  spliss  his  strut. 

^  Thargam  then  goeligum?  If  you  sink  I  can,  swimford.  Suksumkale 
*  Hasitatense? 

^  The  impudence  of  that  in  girl's  things! 

296 


jlm 


hi 


Destiny i  In- 
fluence of Design 
upon. 


Prometheus  or 
the  Promise  of 
Provision, 


geomater.  And  if  you  flung  her  headdress  on 
her  from  under  her  highlows  you'd  wheeze 
whyse  Salmonson  set  his  seel  on  a  hexen- 
gown.i  Hissssl,  Arrah,  go  on!  Fin  for  fun! 
You've  spat  your  shower  like  a  son  of  Sibernia 
but  let's  have  at  it!  Subtend  to  me  now!  Pisk! 
Outer  serpumstances  beiug  ekewilled,  we  care- 
fully, if  she  pleats,  lift  by  her  seam  hem  and 
jabote  at  the  spidsiest  of  her  trickkikant  (like 
thousands  done  before  since  fillies  calpered. 
Ocone !  Ocone !)  the  maidsapron  of  our  A.L.P., 
fearfully !  till  its  nether  nadir  is  vortically  where 
(allow  me  aright  to  two  cute  winkles)  its  naval's 
napex  will  have  to  beandbe.  You  must  proach 
near  mear  for  at  is  dark.  Lob.  And  light 
your  mech.  Jeldy !  And  this  is  what  you'll  say.^ 
Waaaaaa.  Tch !  Sluice  1  Pla  1  And  their,  redneck, 
(for  addn't  we  to  gayatsee  with  Puhl  the  Pun- 
kah's bell?)  mygh  and  thy,  the  living  spit  of 
dead  waters,^  fastness  firm  of  Hurdlebury  Fenn, 
discinct  and  isoplural  in  its  (your  sow  to 
the  duble)  sixuous  parts,  flument,  fluvey  and 
fluteous,  midden  wedge  of  the  stream's  your 
muddy  old  triagonal  delta,  fiho  miho,  plain 
for  you  now,  appia  lippia  pluvaville,  (hop  the 
hula,  girls  1)  the  no  niggard  spot  of  her  safety 
vulve,  first  of  all  usquiluteral  threeingles,  (and 
why  wouldn't  she  sit  cressloggedlike  the  lass 
that  lured  a  tailor.^)  the  constant  of  fluxion, 
Mahamewetma,  pride  of  the  province^  and 
when  that  tidied  boare  rutches  up  from  the 
Afrantic,  allaph  quaran's  his  bett  und  bier!^ 

^  The  chape  of  Dona  Speranza  of  the  Nacion. 
2  Ugol  egal  ogle.  Mi  vidim  Mi. 
^  It  is,  it  is  Sangannon's  dream. 
*  And  all  meinkind. 

^  Whangpoos  the  paddle  and  whiss  whee  whoo. 
297 


Ambages  and 
Their  Role, 


Ecclasiasdcal 
and  Celestial 
Hierarchies.  The 
Ascending.  The 
Descending. 


The  peripatetic 
periphery.  Its 
Alio  thesis. 


Paa  lickam  laa  lickam,  apl  Ipa!  This  it  is  an  her. 
You  see  her  it.  Which  it  whom  you  see  it  is 
her.  And  if  you  could  goaneggbetter  we'd  soon 
see  some  raffant  scrumala  riffa.  Quicks  herit 
fossyending.  Quef !  So  post  that  to  your  pape 
and  smarket !  And  you  can  haul  up  that  languil 
pennant,  mate.  Fve  read  your  tune's  dimissage. 
For,  let  it  be  taken  that  her  littlenist  is  of  no 
magnetude  or  again  let  it  be  granted  that  Doll 
the  laziest  can  be  dissimulant  with  all  respects 
from  Doll  the  fiercst,  thence  must  any  what- 
youlike  in  the  power  of  empthood  be  either 

greater  THa  N  or  less  THaN  the  unitate  we 
have  in  one  or  hence  shall  the  vectorious  ready- 
eyes  of  evertwo  circumflicksrent  searclhers 
never  film  in  the  elipsities  of  their  gyribouts 
those  fickers  which  are  returnally  reprodictive 
of  themselves.^  Which  is  unpassible.  Quarrel- 
lary.  The  logos  of  somewome  to  that  base  any- 
thing, when  most  characteristically  mantissa 
minus,  comes  to  nullum  in  the  endth:-  orso, 
here  is  nowet  badder  than  the  sin  of  Aha  with 
his  cosin  Lil,  verswaysed  on  coverswised,  and 
all  that's  consecants  and  cotangincies  till  Per- 
perp  stops  repippinghim  since  her  redtangles 
are  all  abscissan  for  limitsing  this  tendency  of 
our  Frivulteeny  Sexuagesima^  to  expense  her- 
selfs  as  sphere  as  possible,  paradismic  peri- 
mutter,  in  all  directions  on  the  bend  of  the 
unbridalled,  the  inflnisissimalls  of  her  facets 
becoming  manier  and  manier  as  the  calicolum 
of  her  umdescribables  (one  has  thoughts  of 
that  eternal  Rome)  shrinks  from  schurtiness 

*  I  enjoy  as  good  as  anyone. 

*  Neither  a  soul  to  be  saved  nor  a  body  to  be  kicked. 
^  The  boast  of  the  town. 

298 


f; 
0, 
fl 


Canine  Venus 
sublimated  to 
Aulidic 
Aphrodite, 


Exclusivism:  the 
Ors,  Sors  and 
Fors^  which^ 


to  scherts.^  Scholium,  there  are  trist  sigheds  to 
everysing  but  ichs  on  the  freed  brings  euchs  to 
the  feared.  Qued?  Mother  of  us  all!  O,  dear 
me,  look  at  that  now!  I  don't  know  is  it  your 
spictre  or  my  omination  but  Fm  glad  you 
dimentioned  it!  My  Lourde!  My  Lourde!  If 
that  aint  just  the  beatenest  lay  I  ever  see!  And 
a  superpbosition!  Quoint  a  quincidence!  O.K. 
Omnius  Kollidimus,  As  Ollover  Krumwall 
sayed  when  he  slepped  ueber  his  grannya- 
mother.  Kangaroose  feathers.  Who  in  the  name 
of  thunder'd  ever  belevin  you  were  that  bolt.^ 
But  you're  holy  mooxed  and  gaping  up  the 
wrong  palce^  as  if  you  was  seeheeing  the  gheist 
that  stays  forenenst,  you  blessed  simpletop 
domefool!  Where's  your  belested  loiternan's 
lamp?  You  must  lap  wandret  down  the  bluish- 
ing  refluction  below.  Her  trunk's  not  her  brain- 
box.  Hear  where  the  bolgylines,  Yseen  here  the 
puncture.  So  he  done  it.  Luck!  See  her  good. 
Well,  well,  well,  well!  O  dee,  O  dee,  that's 
very  lovely !  We  like  Simperspreach  Hammel- 
tones  to  fellow  Selver tunes  O'Haggans.^  When 
he  rolls  over  his  ars  and  shows  the  hise  of  his 
heels.  Vely  lovely  entilely!  Like  a  yangsheep- 
slang  with  the  tsifengtse.  So  analytical  plaus- 
ible !  And  be  the  powers  of  Moll  Kelly,  neigh- 
bour topsowyer,  it  will  be  a  lozenge  to  me  all 
my  lauffe.*  More  better  twofeller  we  been  speak 
copperads.  Ever  thought  about  Guinness's.^ 
And  the  regrettable  Parson  Rome's  advice.'^ 

^  Hen's  bens,  are  we  soddy  we  missiled  her? 
^  I  call  that  a  scumhead. 

^  Pure  chingchong  idiotism  with  any  way  words  all  in  one  soluble.  Gee 
each  owe  tea  eye  smells  fish.  That's  U. 

*The  Doodles  family,  PI,  A  ,  O  ,  A,  C.  Hoodie  doodle, 
fam.? 


299 


Primanouriture 
and  Ultimo- 
geniture, 


No  Sturm,  No 
Drang. 


Want  to  join  the  police.^  You  know,  you  were 
always  one  of  the  bright  ones,  since  a  foot 
made  you  an  unmentionable,  fakes !  You  know, 
you're  the  divver's  own  smart  gossoon,  aequal 
to  yoursell  and  wanigel  to  anglyother,  so  you 
are,  hoax!  You  know,  you'll  be  dampned,  so 
you  will,  one  of  these  invernal  days  but  you 
will  be,  carrotty!^ 

Wherapool,  gayet  that  when  he  stop  look 
time  he  stop  long  ground  who  here  hurry  he 
would  have  ever  the  lothst  word,  with  a  sweet 
me  ah  err  eye  ear  marie  to  reat  from  the  jacob's^ 
and  a  shypull  for  toothsake  of  his  armjaws 
at  the  slidepage  of  de  Vere  Foster,  would  and 
could  candykissing  P.  Kevin  to  fress  up  the 
rinnerung  and  to  ate  by  hart  (Jeo  I  read,  such  a 
Spanish,  escribibis^  all  your  mycoscoups)  wont 
to  nibbleh  ravenostonnoriously  ihs  mum  to 
me  in  bewonderment  of  his  chipper  chuthor 
for,  while  that  Other  by  the  halp  of  his  creac- 
tive  mind  offered  to  deleberate  the  mass  from 
the  booty  of  fight  our  Same  with  the  holp 
of  the  bounty  of  food  sought  to  delubberate 
the  mess  from  his  corructive  mund,  with  his 
muffetee  cuffes  ownconsciously  grafficking 
with  his  sinister  cyclopes  after  trigamies  and 
spirals'  wobbles  pursuiting  their  rovinghamil- 
ton  selves  and  godolphing  in  fairlove  to  see 
around  the  waste  of  noland's  browne  jesus* 
(thur  him  no  quartos  I)  till  that  on  him  poorin 
sweat  the  juggaleer's  veins  (quench  his  quill!) 
in  his  napier  scrag  stud  out  bursthright  tam- 


SICK  us  A 

SOCK  WITH 
SOME  SEDI- 
MENT IN  IT 
FOR  THE 
SAKE  OF  OUR 
DARNING 
WIVES. 


^  Picking  on  Nickagain,  Pikey  Mikey? 

2  Early  morning,  sir  Dav  Stephens,  said  the  First  Gentleman  in  youreups, 

^  Bag  bag  blockcheap,  have  you  any  will? 

*  What  a  lubberly  whide  elephant  for  the  men-in-the  straits! 


300 


I 


Ik 


I 
I 


hi 


h 
kl 


Illustration.  quam  taughtropes.  (Spry  him!  call  a  blood- 

lekar!  Where's  Dr  Brassenaarse?)  Es  war  itwas 
in  his  priesterrite.  O  He  Must  Suffer!  From  this 
misbelieving  feacemaker  to  his  noncredible 
fancyflame.i  Ask  for  bosthoon,  late  for  Mass, 
pray  for  blaablaablack  sheep.  (Sure  you  could 
Wright  anny  pippap  passage,  Eye  bet,  as  foyne 
as  that  moultylousy  Erewhig,  yerself,  mick! 
Nock  the  muddy  nickers  Christ's  Church 
varses  Bellial!)  Dear  and  he  went  on  to  scripple 
Ascription  of  the  gentlemine  born,  milady  bread,  he  would  pen 
Active,  for  her,  he  would  pine  for  her,^  how  he  would 

patpun  fun  for  all*  with  his  frolicky  frowner 
so  and  his  glumsome  grinner  otherso.  And  how 
are  you,  waggy?^  My  animal  his  sorrafool! 
And  trieste,  ah  trieste  ate  I  my  liver!  Se  non  e 
vero  son  trovatore,  O  jerry!  He  was  soso,  harriot 
all!  He  was  sadfellow,  steifel!  He  was  mister- 
mysterion.  Like  a  purate  out  of  pensionee  with 
a  gouvernament  job.  All  moanday,  tearsday, 
wailsday,  thumpsday,  frightday,  shatterday  till 
the  fear  of  the  Law.  Look  at  this  twitches! 
He  was  quisquis,  floored  on  his  plankraft  of 
shittim  wood.  Look  at  him!  Sink  deep  or 
touch  not  the  Cartesian  spring!  Want  more 
ashes,  griper.'^  How  diesmal  he  was  lying  low 
on  his  rawside  laying  siege  to  goblin  castle. 
And,  bezouts  that,  how  hyenesmeal  he  was 
laying  him  long  on  his  laughside  lying  sack 
to  croakpartridge.  (Be  thou  wars  Rolaf 's  intes- 


Proscription  of 
the  Passive, 


^  And  she  had  to  seek  a  pond's  apeace  to  salve  her  suiterkins.  Sued ! 

2  Excuse  theyre  christianbrothers  irish? 

^  When  she  tripped  against  the  briery  bush  he  profused  her  allover  with 
curtsey  flowers. 

*  A  nastilow  disigraible  game. 

^  Dear  old  Erosmas.  Very  glad  you  are  going  to  Penmark.  Write  to  the 
comer.  Grunny  Grant. 


Ensouling  Fe- 
male Sustains 


man. 


tions,  quoths  the  Bhagavat  biskop  Leech)  Ann 
opes  tipoo  soon  ear!  If  you  could  me  lendtill 
my  pascol's  kondyl,  sahib,  and  the  price  of  a 
plate  of  poultice.  Punked.  With  best  apolojigs 
and  merrymoney  thanks  to  self  for  all  the 
clerricals  and  again  begs  guerdon  for  bistris- 
pissing  on  your  bunificence.  Well  wiggy- 
Agonising  Over-  wiggywagtail,  and  how  are  you,  yaggy?  With 
a  capital  Tea  for  Thirst.  From  here  Buvard  to 
dear  Picuchet.  Blott. 

Now,  (peel  your  eyes,  my  gins,  and  brush 
your  saton  hat,  me  elementator  joyclid,  son  of 
a  Butt!  She's  mine,  Jow  low  jure,^  be  Skibber- 
ing's  eagles,  sweet  tart  of  Whiteknees  Arch- 
way) watch  him,  having  caught  at  the  bi- 
furking  calamum  in  his  bolsillos,  the  onelike 
underworp  he  had  ever  funnet  without  diffi- 
cultads,  the  aboleshqvick,  signing  away  in 
happinext  complete,  (Exquisite  Game  of  in- 
spiration !  I  always  adored  your  hand.  So  could 
I  too  and  without  the  scrope  of  a  pen.  Ohr  for 
oral,  key  for  crib,  olchedolche  and  a  lunge  ad 
lib.  Can  you  write  us  a  last  line.'^  From  Smith- 
Jones-Orbison.'^)  intrieatedly  in  years,  jirry- 
alimpaloop.  And  i  Romain,  hup  u  bn  gd  grl.^ 
Unds  alws  my  thts.  To  fallthere  at  bare  feet 
hurryaswormarose.  Two  dies  of  one  raffle- 
ment.  Eche  bennyache.  Outstamp  and  dis- 
tribute him  at  the  expanse  of  his  society.  To 
be  continued.  Anon. 

And  ook,  ook,  ook,  fanky!  All  the  charic- 
tures^  in  the  drame!  This  is  how  San  holy- 


Sesama  to  the 
Rescues,  The 
Key  Signature 


WHEN  THE 
ANSWERER 
IS  A  LEMAN. 


ALL  SQUARE 
AND 


*  I  loved  to  see  tlie  Macbeths  Jerseys  knacking  spots  of  the  Plumpduffs 
Pants. 

2  Lifp  year  fends  you  all  and  moe,  fouvenirs  foft  as  fummer  fnow,  fweet 
willings  and  forget-uf-knots. 
^  Gag  his  tubes  yourself. 

302 


II 


tk 


Force  Centres  of 
the  Fire  Serpen- 
tine: hearty 
throaty  navely 
spleeny  sacraly 
fontanellay  inter- 
temporal eye. 

Conception  of  the 
Compromise  and 
Finding  of  a 
Formula, 


n 


Ideal  Present 
Alone  Produces 
Real  Future, 


polypools.  And  this,  pardonsky!  is  the  way 
Romeopullupalleaps.^  Pose  the  pen,  man, 
way  me  does.  Way  ole  missa  vellatooth  fust 
show  me  how.  Fourth  power  to  her  illpogue! 
Bould  strokes  for  your  life !  Tip !  This  is  Steal, 
this  is  Barke,  this  is  Starn,  this  is  Swhipt,  this  is 
Wiles,  this  is  Pshaw,  this  is  Doubbllinnbbay- 
yates.2  This  is  brave  Danny  weeping  his  spache 
for  the  popers.  This  is  cool  Connolly  wiping 
his  hearth  with  brave  Danny.  And  this,  regard ! 
how  Chawleses  Skewered  parparaparnelligoes 
between  brave  Danny  boy  and  the  Connolly. 
Upanishadem !  Top.  Spoken  hath  L'arty  Ma- 
gory.  Eregobragh.  Prouf  !^ 

And  Kev  was  wreathed  with  his  pother. 

But,  (that  Jacoby  feeling  again  for  fore- 
bitten  fruit  and,  my  Georgeous,  Kevvy  too  he 
just  loves  his  puppadums,  I  judge!)  after  all  his 
autocratic  writings  of  paraboles  of  famellicurbs 
and  meddlied  muddlingisms,  thee  faroots  hof 
cullchaw  end  ate  citrawn  woodint  wun  able 
rep  of  the  triperforator  awlrite  blast  through 
his  pergaman  hit  him  where  he  lived  and  do  for 
the  blessted  selfchuruls,  what  I  think,  smarter 
like  it  done  for  a  manny  another  unpious  of 
the  hairydary  quare  quandary  firstings  till  at 
length,  you  one  bladdy  bragger,  by  mercy- 
stroke  he  measured  his  earth  anyway.'^  could 
not  but  recken  in  his  adder's  badder  cadder 
way  our  frankson  who,  to  be  plain,  he  fight 
him  all  time  twofeller  longa  kill  dead  finish 
bloody  face  blong  you,  was  misocain.  Wince 


ACCORDING 
TO  COCKER. 


TROTHBLOWERS, 
FIG  AND 
THISTLE 
PLOT  A  PIG 
AND 

WHISTLE. 


^  He,  angel  that  I  thought  him,  and  he  not  aebel  to  speel  eelyotripes.,  Mr 
Tellibly  Divilcult! 

^  When  the  dander  rattles  how  the  peacocks  prance ! 

^  The  Brownes  de  Browne  -  Browne  of  Casdehacknolan. 


303 


Service  super- 
seding self. 


Catastrophe  and 
Anabasis. 

The  rotary  pro- 
cessus and  its 
reestablishment 
of  reciprocities. 


wan's  won!  Rip!^  And  his  countinghands 
rose. 

Formalisa.  Loves  deathhow  simple! 
Slutningsbane^. 

Thanks  eversore  much,  Pointcarried !  I  can't 
say  if  it's  the  weight  you  strike  me  to  the 
quick  or  that  red  mass  I  was  looking  at  but  at 
the  present  momentum,  potential  as  I  am,  I'm 
seeing  rayingbogeys  rings  round  me.  Honours 
to  you  and  may  you  be  commended  for  our 
exhibitiveness !  I'd  love  to  take  you  for  a 
bugaboo  ride  and  play  funfer  all  if  you'd  only 
sit  and  be  the  ballasted  bottle  in  the  porker 
barrel.  You  will  deserve  a  rolypoly  as  long 
as  from  here  to  tomorrow.  And  to  hell  with 
them  driftbombs  and  bottom  trailers!  If  my 
maily  was  bag  enough  I'd  send  you  a  toxis. 
By  Saxon  Chromaticus,  you  done  that  lovely 
for  me!  Didn't  he  now,  Nubilina.'*  Tiny  Mite, 
she  studiert  whas?  With  her  listeningin  coif- 
fure, her  dream  of  Endsland's  daylast  and  the 
glorifires  of  being  presainted  maid  to  majesty.^ 
And  less  is  the  pity  for  she  isn't  the  lollypops 
she  easily  might  be  if  she  had  for  a  sample 
Virginia's  air  of  achievement.  That  might 
keep  her  from  throwing  delph.*  As  I  was  saying, 
while  retorting  thanks,  you  make  me  a  reborn 
of  the  cards.  We're  offals  boys  ambows.^ 
For  I've  flicked  up  all  the  crambs  as  they 
crumbed  from  your  table  um,  singing  glory 
allaloserem,  cog  it  out,  here  goes  a  sum.  So 


WITH  EBONISER. 
IN  PIX. 
EUCHRE 
RISK,  MERCI 
BUCKUP,  AND 
MIND  WHO 

you're 

PUCKING, 
FLEBBY. 


^  A  byebye  bingbang  boys!  See  you  Nutcracker  Sunday! 
2  Chinchin  Childamanl  Chapchopchap ! 
^  Wipe  your  glosses  with  what  you  know. 

*  If  I'd  more  in  the  cups  that  peeves  thee  you  could  cracksmith  your  rows 
tureens. 


^  Alls  Sings  and  Alls  Howls. 


304 


Ik 
h 

^^ 

ftit 


The  Twofold 
Truth  and  the 
Conjunctive  Ap- 
petites of  Oppo- 
sitional Orexes. 


Trishagion, 


read  we  in  must  book.  It  tells.  He  prophets 
most  who  bilks  the  best. 

And  that  salubrated  sickenagiaour  of  yaours 
have  teaspilled  all  my  hazeydency .  Forge  away, 
Sunny  Sim!  Sheepshopp.  Bleating  Goad,  it  is 
the  least  of  things,  Eyeinstye  I  Imagine  it,  my 
deep  dartry  dullard!  It  is  hours  giving,  not 
more.  I'm  only  out  for  celebridging  over  the 
guilt  of  the  gap  in  your  hiscitendency.  You  are 
a  hundred  thousand  times  welcome,  old  wort- 
sampler,  hellbeit  you're  just  about  as  culpable 
as  my  woolfell  merger  would  be.  In  effect  I 
could  engage  in  an  energument  over  you  till 
you  were  republicly  royally  toobally  prussic 
blue  in  the  shirt  after.^  Trionfante  di  bestial  And 
if  you're  not  your  bloater's  kipper  may  I  never 
curse  again  on  that  pint  I  took  of  Jamesons. 
Old  Keane  now,  you're  rod,  hook  and  sinker, 
old  jubalee  Keane!  Biddy's  hair.  Biddy's  hair, 
mine  lubber.  Where  is  that  Quin  but  he  sknows 
it  knot  but  what  you  that  are  my  popular  end- 
phthisis  were  born  with  a  solver  arm  up  your 
sleep.  Thou  in  shanty !  Thou  in  scanty  shanty! ! 
Thou  in  slanty  scanty  shanty!!!  Bide  in  your 
hush!  Bide  in  your  hush,  do!  The  law  does 
not  aloud  you  to  shout.  I  plant  my  penstock 
in  your  postern,  chinarpot.  Ave!  And  let  it  be 
to  all  remembrance.  Vale.  Ovocation  of  maid- 
ing waters.^  For  auld  lang  salvy  steyne.  I 
defend  you  to  champ  my  scullion's  praises. 
To  book  alone  belongs  the  lobe.  Foremaster's 
meed^  will  mark  tomorrow  when  we  are 
making  pilscrummage  to  whaboggeryin  with 


COME  SI 

COMPITA 

CUNCTITI- 

TITILATIO.'^ 

CONKERY 

CUNK, 

THIGH- 

THIGHT- 

TICKELLY- 

THIGH,  LIG- 

GERILAG, 

TITTERITOT, 

LEG  IN  A  TEE, 

LUG  IN  A 

LAW,  TWO 

AT  A  TIE, 

THREE  ON  A 

THRICKY 

TILL  OHIO 

OHIO 

lOIOMISS. 


^  From  three  shellings.  A  bluedye  sacrifice. 

2  Not  Kilty.  But  the  manajar  was.  He!  He!  Ho!  Ho!  Ho! 

^  Giglamps,  Soapy  Geyser,  The  Smell  and  Gory  M  Gusty. 


staff,  scarf  and  blessed  wallet  and  our  aureoles 
round  our  neckkandcropfs  where  as  and  when 
Heavysciusgardaddy,  parent  who  offers  sweet- 
meats, will  gift  uns  his  Noblett's  surprize. 
Abnegation  is  With  this  laudable  purpose  in  loud  ability  let 
Adaptation,  us  be  singulfied.  Betwixt  nnie  and  thee  hung 

cong.  Item,  mizpah  ends. 

But  while  the  dial  are  they  doodling  dawd- 
ling over  the  mugs  and  the  grubs?  Oikey, 
Impostolopulos?^  Steady  steady  steady  steady 
steady  studiavimus.  Many  many  many  many 
many  manducabimus.^  We've  had  our  day  at  triv 
and  quad  and  writ  our  bit  as  intermidgets.  Art, 
literature,  politics,  economy,chemistry,  human- 
ity, &c.  Duty,  the  daughter  of  discipline,  the 
Great  Fire  at  the  South  City  Markets,  Belief  in 
Giants  and  the  Banshee,  A  Place  for  Every- 
thing and  Everything  in  its  Place,  Is  the  Pen 
Mightier  than  the  Sword?  A  Successful  Career 
in  the  Civil  Service,^  The  Voice  of  Nature  in 
the  Forest,*  Your  Favorite  Hero  or  Heroine, 
On  the  Benefits  of  Recreation,^  If  Standing 
Stones  Could  Speak,  Devotion  to  the  Feast  of 
the  Indulgence  of  Portiuncula,  The  Dublin 
Metropolitan  Police  Sports  at  Ballsbridge,  De- 
scribe in  Homely  Anglian  Monosyllables  the 
Wreck  of  the  Hesperus,^  What  Morals,  if  any, 
can  be  drawn  from  Diarmuid  and  Grania?^  Do 
Alcibiades.  you  Approve  of  our  Existing  Parliamentary 

Lucretius,  System?  The  Uses  and  Abuses  of  Insects,  A 


Cato. 
Nero, 

Saul.  Aristotle. 
Julius  Caesar. 
Pericles. 
Ovid, 

Adam,  Eve, 
Domitian,  Edipus, 

Socrates. 
Ajax. 

Homer. 

MarcusAurelius. 


ENTER  THE 

COP  AND 

HOW. 

SECURES 

GUBERNANT 

URBIS 

TERROREM. 


^  The  divvy  wants  that  babbling  brook.  Dear  Auntie  Emma  Emma  Eates. 
2  Strike  the  day  off,  the  nightcap's  on  nigh.  Goney,  goney  gone! 
^  R.  C,  disengaged,  good  character,  would  help,  no  salary. 

*  Where  Lily  is  a  Lady  found  the  nettle  rash. 

*  Bubabipibambuli,  I  can  do  as  I  like  with  what's  me  own.  Nyamnyam. 
*•  Able  seaman's  caution. 

'  Rarely  equal  and  distinct  in  all  things. 


306 


Id 
Em 


Uk 
im. 

fm 
kl 
lli 
14. 

im 


Noah,  Plato, 
Horace,  Isaac, 
Tiresias, 
Marius, 
Diogenes, 
Procne,  Philo- 
mela, Abraham, 
Nestor,  Cincin- 
natus,  Leonidas, 
Jacob, 
Theocritus, 
Joseph, 

Fabius,  Samson, 

Cain, 

Esop, 

Prometheus, 

I  Lot,  Pompeius  Magnus, 
Miltiades  Strategos, 
Solon, 

Castor,  Pollux, 
Dionysius, 
Sappho. 
Moses,  Job, 
Catilina, 
Cadmus,  Eiekiel, 
Solomon,  Themistocles. 
Vitellius,  Darius. 


Visit  to  Guinness'  Brewery,  Clubs,  Advan- 
tages of  the  Penny  Post,  When  is  a  Pun  not  a 
Pun?  Is  the  Co-Education  of  Animus  and 
Anima  Wholly  Desirable?^  What  Happened  at 
Clontarf?  Since  our  Brother  Johnathan  Signed 
the  Pledge  or  the  Meditations  of  Two  Young 
Spinsters,^  Why  we  all  Love  our  Little  Lord 
Mayor,  Hengler's  Circus  Entertainment,  On 
Thrift,^  The  Ketde-Griffith-Moynihan  Scheme 
for  a  New  Electricity  Supply,  Travelling  in  the 
Olden  Times,'*  American  Lake  Poetry,  the 
Strangest  Dream  that  was  ever  Halfdreamt.^ 
Circumspection,  Our  Allies  the  Hills,  Are 
Parnellites  Just  towards  Henry  Tudor?  Tell  a 
Friend  in  a  Chatty  Letter  the  Fable  of  the 
Grasshopper  and  the  Ant,^  Santa  Claus,  The 
Shame  of  Slumdom,  The  Roman  Pontiffs 
and  the  Orthodox  Churches,'  The  Thirty 
Hour  Week,  Compare  the  Fistic  Styles  of 
Jimmy  Wilde  and  Jack  Sharkey,  How  to 
Understand  the  Deaf,  Should  Ladies  learn 
Music  or  Mathematics?  Glory  be  to  Saint 
Patrick!  What  is  to  be  found  in  a  Dustheap, 
The  Value  of  Circumstantial  Evidence, 
Should  Spelling?  Outcasts  in  India,  Collecting 
Pewter,  Eu,^  Proper  and  Regular  Diet 
Necessity  For,^  If  You  Do  It  Do  It  Now. 


^  Jests  and  the  Beastalk  with  a  little  rude  hiding  rod. 
^  Wherry  like  the  whaled  prophet  in  a  spookeerie. 
^  What  sins  is  pirn  money  sans  Paris? 

*  I've  lost  the  place,  where  was  I? 

^  Something  happened  that  time  I  was  asleep,  torn  letters  or  was  there 
snow? 

®  Mich  for  his  pain,  Nick  in  his  past. 

^  He  has  toglieresti  in  brodo  all  over  his  agrammatical  parts  of  face  and  as  for 
that  hippofoxphiz,  unlucky  number,  late  for  the  christening  1 

^  Eh,  Monsieur?  Ou,  Monsieur?  Eu,  Monsieur?  Nenni  No,  Monsieur! 

*  Ere  we  hit  the  hay,  brothers,  let's  have  that  response  to  prayer! 

307 


Xenophon, 


Pantocracy. 
Bimutualism. 
Interchangeahil- 
ity.  Naturality, 
Superfetation, 
Stabimobilism, 
Periodicity, 
Consummation. 
Inter penetrative- 
ness.  Predicam- 
ent, Balance  of 
the  factual  by  the 
theoric  Boox  and 
Cooxy  Amallaga- 
mated. 


Delays  are  Dangerous.  Vitavite!  Gobble 
Anne:  tea's  set,  see's  eneugh!  Mox  soonly 
will  be  in  a  split  second  per  the  chancellory 
of  his  exticker. 

Aun 

Do 

Tri 

Car 

Cushi 

Shay 

Shockt 

Ockt 

Ni 

Geg2 

Their  feed  begins. 


MAWMAW, 
LUK,  YOUR 

beeeftay's 

FIZZIN  over! 


KAKAO- 

POETIC 
LIPPUDENIES 
OF  THE 
UNGUMP- 
TIOUS. 


NIGHTLETTER 

With  our  best  youlldied  greedings  to  Pep 
and  Memmy  and  the  old  folkers  below  and 
beyant,  wishing  them  all  very  merry  Incar- 
nations in  this  land  of  the  livvey  and  plenty 
of  preprosperousness  through  their  coming 
new  yonks 

from 

jake,  jack  and  little  sousoucie 
(the  babes  that  mean  too) 


*  Kish  is  for  anticheirst,  and  the  free  of  my  hand  to  him ! 


*  And  gags  for  skool  and  crossbuns  and  whopes  he'll  enjoyimsolff  over 
our  drawings  on  the  line! 

308 


It  may  not  or  maybe  a  no  concer^j  of  the  Guinnesses  but. 

That  the  fright  of  his  light  in  tribalbalbutience  hides  aback  in 
the  doom  of  the  balk  of  the  deaf  but  that  the  height  of  his  life 
from  a  bride's  eye  stammpunct  is  when  a  man  that  means  a  moun- 
tain barring  his  distance  wades  a  lymph  that  plays  the  lazy  win- 
ning she  likes  yet  that  pride  that  bogs  the  party  begs  the  glory  of 
a  wake  while  the  scheme  is  like  your  rumba  round  me  garden, 
allatheses,  with  perhelps  the  prop  of  a  prompt  to  them,  was  now 
or  never  in  Etheria  Deserta,  as  in  Grander  Suburbia,  with  Finn- 
fannfawners,  ruric  or  cospolite,  for  much  or  moment  indispute. 

Whyfor  had  they,  it  is  Hiberio-Miletians  and  Argloe-Noremen, 
donated  him,  birth  of  an  otion  that  was  breeder  to  sweatoslaves, 
as  mysterbolder,  forced  in  their  waste,  and  as  for  Ibdullin  what  of 
Himana,  that  their  tolvtubular  high  fidelity  daildialler,  as  modern 
as  tomorrow  afternoon  and  in  appearance  up  to  the  minute,  (hear- 
ing that  anybody  in  that  ruad  duchy  of  Wollinstown  schemed 
to  halve  the  wrong  type  of  date)  equipped  with  supershielded  um- 
brella antennas  for  distance  getting  and  connected  by  the  magnetic 
links  of  a  Bellini-Tosti  coupling  system  with  a  vitaltone  speaker, 
capable  of  capturing  skybuddies^  harbour  craft  emittences,  key 
clickings,  vaticum  cleaners,  due  to  woman  formed  mobile  or 
man_made  static  and  bawling  the  whowle  hamshack  and  wobble 
down  in  an  eliminium  sounds  pound  so  as  to  serve  him  up  a  mele- 
goturny  marygoraumd,  eclectrically  filtered  for  allirish  earths  and 

309 


ohmes.  This  harmonic  condenser  enginium  (the  Mole)  they 
caused  to  be  worked  from  a  magazine  battery  (called  the  Mimmim 
Bimbim  patent  number  1132,  Thorpetersen  and  Synds,  Joms- 
borg,  Selverbergen)  which  was  tuned  up  by  twintriodic  singul- 
valvulous  pipelines  (lackslipping  along  as  if  their  liffing  deepunded 
on  it)  with  a  howdrocephalous  enlargement,  a  gain  control  of 
circumcentric  megacycles,  ranging  from  the  antidulibnium  onto 
the  serostaatarean.  They  finally  caused,  or  most  leastways  brung  it 
about  somehows,  (that)  the  pip  of  the  lin  (to)  pinnatrate  inthro 
an  auricular  forfickle  (known  as  the  Vakingfar  sleeper,  mono- 
fractured  by  Piaras  UaRhuamhaighaudhlug,  tympan  founder, 
Eustache  Straight,  Bauliaughacleeagh)  a  meatous  conch  culpable 
of  cunduncing  Naul  and  Santry  and  the  forty  routs  of  Corthy 
with  the  concertiums  of  the  Brythyc  Symmonds  Guild,  the 
Ropemakers  Reunion,  the  Variagated  Peddlars  Barringoy  Bni- 
brthirhd,  the  Askold  Olegsonder  Crowds  of  the  O'Keef-Rosses 
and  Rhosso-Keevers  of  Zastwoking,  the  Ligue  of  Yahooth  o.s.v. 
so  as  to  lall  the  bygone  dozed  they  arborised  around,  up  his 
corpular  fruent  and  down  his  reuctionary  buckling,  hummer, 
enville  and  cstorrap  (the  man  of  Iren,  thore's  Curlymane  for 
you !),  lill  the  lubberendth  of  his  otological  life. 

House  of  call  is  all  their  evenbreads  though  its  cartomance 
hallucinate  like  an  erection  in  the  night  the  mummery  of  whose 
deed,  a  lur  of  Nur,  immerges  a  mirage  in  a  merror,  for  it  is  where 
by  muzzinmessed  for  one  watthour,  bilaws  below,  till  time  jings 
pleas,  that  host  of  a  bottlefilled,  the  bulkily  hulkwight,  hunter's 
pink  of  face,  an  orel  orioled,  is  in  on  a  bout  to  be  unbulging  an 
o'connell's,  the  true  one,  all  seethic,  a  luckybock,  pledge  of  the 
stoup,  whilom  his  canterberry  bellseyes  wink  wickeding  indtil 
the  teller,  oyne  of  an  oustman  in  skull  of  skand.  Yet  is  it,  this 
ale  of  man,  for  him,  our  hubuljoynted,  just  a  tug  and  a  fistful  as 
for  Culsen,  the  Patagoreyan,  chieftain  of  chokanchuckers  and  his 
moyety  joyant,  under  the  foamer  dispensation  when  he  pullupped 
the  turfeycork  by  the  greats  of  gobble  out  of  Lougk  Neagk. 
When,  pressures  be  to  our  hoary  frother,  the  pop  gave  his  sullen 
bulletaction  and,  bilge,  sled  a  movement  of  catharic  emulsipotion 

310 


J. 


^  lugger.  Stolp,  tief,  stolp,  come  bag  to  Moy  Eireann!  And  the 
^ <2l       Norweeger's  capstan  swaradeed,  some  blowfish  out  of  schooling: 

All  lykkehud !  Below  taiyor  he  ikan  heavin  sets.  But  they  brokenht^^^-^^*^ 
waters  and  they  made  whole  waters  at  they  surfered  bark  to  the 
lots  of  his  vauce.  And  aweigh  he  yankered  on  the  Norgean  run  so 
that  seven  sailend  sonnenrpunders  was  he  breastbare  to  the  brina- 
bath,  where  bottoms  out  has  fatthoms  full,  fram  Franz  Jose  \\(y<^ 
Land  til  Cabo  Thormendoso,  evenstarde  and  risingsoon.  Up  the 
Rivor  Tanneiry  and  down  the  Golfe  Desombres.  Farety  days  and 
fearty  nights.  Enjoy  yourself,  O  maremen!  And  the  tides  made, 
veer  and  haul,  and  the  times  marred,  rear  and  fall,  and,  holey 
bucket,  dipned  he  raign! 

—  Hump!  Hump!  bassed  the  broaders-in-laugh  with  a  quick 
piddysnip  that  wee  halfbit  a  second. 

— I  will  do  that,  sazd  Kersse,  mainingstaying  the  rigout  for  her 
wife's  lairdship.  Nett  sew.'*  they  hunched  back  at  the  earpicker. 

But  old  sporty,  as  endth  lord,  in  ryehouse  reigner,  he  nought 
feared  crimp  or  cramp  of  shore  sharks,  plotsome  to  getsome.  It 
was  whol  niet  godthaab  of  errol  Loritz  off  his  Cape  of  Good 
Howthe  and  his  trippertrice  loretta  lady,  a  maomette  to  his 
monetone,  with  twy  twy  twinky  her  stone  hairpins,  only  not, 
if  not,  a  queen  of  Prancess  their  telling  tabled  who  was  for  his  —  "  > 
seeming  a  casket  through  the  heavenly,  nay,  heart  of  the  sweet 
(had  he  hows  would  he  keep  her  as  niece  as  a  fiddle!)  but  in  the 
meal  tub  it  was  wohl  yeas  sputsbargain  what,  rarer  of  recent,  an 
occasional  conformity,  he,  with  Muggleton  Muckers,  alwagers 
allalong  most  certainly  allowed,  as  pilerinnager's  grace  to  peti- 
tionists  of  right,  of  the  three  blend  cupstoomerries  with  their 
customed  spirits,  the  Gill  gob,  the  Burklley  bump,  the  Wallisey 
wanderlook,  having  their  ceilidhe  gailydhe  in  his  shaunty  irish. 
Group  drinkards  maaks  grope  thinkards  or  how  reads  rotary, 
jewr  of  a  chrestend,  respecting  the  otherdogs  churchees,  so  long 
plubs  will  be  plebs  but  plabs  by  low  frequency  amplification  may  ^ 
later  agree  to  have  another.  For  the  people  of  the  shed  are  the  ,^ 
^-^e.  sure  ads  of  all  quorum.  Lorimers  and  leathersellers,  skinners  and 
salters,  pewterers  and  paperstainers,  parishclerks,  fletcherbowyers, 

312 


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I 


I 


I 


i 


( 


girdlers,  mercers,  cordwainers  and  first,  and  not  last,  the  weavers. 
Our  library  he  is  hoping  to  ye  public,  f^^i^ 
Innholder,  upholder. 

—  Sets  on  sayfohrt!  Go  to  it,  agitator!  they  bassabosuned  over 
the  flowre  of  their  hoose.  Godeown  moseys  and  skeep  thy  beeble 
bee!  - 

—  I  will  do  that,  acordial,  by  mine  hand,  sazd  Kersse,  piece 
Cod,  and  in  the  flap  of  a  jacket,  ructified  after  his  nap  of  a  blankit 
their  o'cousin,  as  sober  as  the  ship's  husband  he  was  one  my  god- 
father when  he  told  me  saw  whileupon  I  am  now  well  and  jurily 
sagasfide  after  the  boonamorse  the  widower,  according  to  rider, 
following  pnomoneya,  he  is  consistently  blown  to  Adams.  So 
help  me  boyg  who  keeps  the  book ! 

Whereofter,  behest  his  suzerain  law  the  Thing  and  the  pilsener 
had  the  baar,  Recknar  Jarl,  (they  called  him  Roguenor,  Irl  call 
him)  still  passing  the  change-a-pennies,  pengeypigses,  a  several 
sort  of  coyne  in  livery,  pushed  their  whisper  in  his  hairing, 
(seemed,  a  some  shipshep's  sottovoxed  stalement,  a  dearagadye, 
to  hasvey  anyone  doing  duty  for  duff  point  of  dorkland  compors) 
the  same  to  the  good  ind  ast  velut  discharge  after  which  he  had 
exemptied  more  than  orphan  for  the  ballast  of  his  nurtural  life. 
And  threw  a  cast.  A  few  pigses  and  hare  you  are; and  no  chicking, 
tribune's  tribute,  if  you  guess  mimic  miening.  Meanly  in  his  lewd- 
brogue  take  your  tyon  coppels  token,  with  this  good  sixtric 
from  mine  runbag  of  juwels.  Nummers  that  is  summus  that  is 
toptip  that  is  bottombay  that  is  Twomeys  that  is  Digges  that  is 
Heres.  In  the  frameshape  of  hard  mettles.  For  we  all  would  fain 
make  glories.  It  is  minely  well  mint. 

Thus  as  count  the  costs  of  liquid  courage,  a  buUyon  gauger, 
stowed  stivers  pengapung  in  bulk  in  hold  (fight  great  finnence ! 
brayvoh,  little  bratton!)  keen  his  kenning,  the  queriest  of  the 
crew,  with  that  fellow  fearing  for  his  own  misshapes,  should  he  be 
himpself  namesakely  a  foully  fallen  dissentant  from  the  peripu- 
lator,  sued  towerds  Meade- Reid  and  Lynn-Duff,  rubbing  the 
hodden  son  of  a  pookal,  leaden  be  light,  lather  be  dry  and  it  be 
drownd  on  all  the  ealsth  beside,  how  the  camel  and  where  the 

313 


deiffel  or  when  the  finicking  or  why  the  funicking,  who  caused 
the  scaffolding  to  be  first  removed  you  give  orders,  Labeling, 
were  their  reidey  meade  answer  when  on  the  cutey  (the  cores- 
pondent) in  conflict  of  evidence  drew  a  kick  at  witness  but 
(missed)  and  for  whom  in  the  dyfflun*s  kiddy  removed  the 
planks  they  were  wanted,  boob.  '-^•^  t/^/ a  ch, 
Bump!  ^/  K(hf^^ 

Bothallchoractorschumminaroundgansumuminarumdrum- 
strumtruminahumptadumpwaultopoofoolooderamaunsturnup! 

—  Did  do  a  dive,  aped  one. 

—  Propellopalombarouter,  based  two. 

—  Rutsch  is  for  rutterman  ramping  his  roe,  seed  three.  Where 
the  muddies  scrimm  ball.  Bimbim  bimbim.  And  the  maidies 
scream  all.  Himhim  himhim. 

And  forthemore  let  legend  go  lore  of  it  that  mortar  scene  so 
cwympty  dwympty  what  a  dustydust  it  razed  arboriginally  but,  y 
luck's  leap  to  the  lad  at  the  top  of  the  ladder,  so  sartor's  risorted 
why  the  sinner  the  badder!  Ho  ho  ho  hoch!  La  la  la  lach!  Hillary 
rillarry  gibbous  grist  to  our  milleryl  A  pushpull,  qq:  quiescence, 
pp:  with  extravent  intervulve  coupling.  The  savest  lauf  in  the 
world.  Paradoxmutose  caring,  but  here  in  a  present  booth  of  Balla- 
clay,  Barthalamou,  where  their  dutchuncler  mynhosts  and  serves 
them  dram  well  right  for  a  boors'  interior  (homereek  van  hohm- 
ryk)  that  salve  that  selver  is  to  screen  its  auntey  and  has  ringround 
as  worldwise  eve  her  sins  (pip,  pip,  pip)  willpip  futurepip  feature 
apip  footloose  pastcast  with  spareshins  and  flash  substittles  of 
noirse-made-earsy  from  a  nephew  mind  the  narrator  but  give  the 
devil  his  so  long  as  those  sohns  of  a  blitzh  call  the  tm;in£_tuone  and 
thonder  alout  makes  the  thurd.  Let  there  be.  Due.        )  , 

—  That's  all  murtagh  purtagh  but  whad  ababs  his  dopter.^ 
sissed  they  who  were  onetime  ungkerls  themselves,  (when  the 
youthel  of  his  yorn  shook  the  bouchal  in  his  bed)  twilled  along- 
side in  wiping  the  rice  assatiated  with  their  wetting.  The  lappel 
of  his  size.^  His  ros  in  sola  velnere  and  he  sicckumed  of  homnis 
terrars.  She  wends  to  scoulas  in  her  slalpers.  There  were  no  pea- 
nats  in  her  famalgia  so  no  wumble  she  tumbled  for  his  famas 


JudL  A^r 


(^roalls  davors.  Don't  him  forget!  A  butcheler  artsed  out  of  Cullege 
Trainity.  Diddled  he  daddle  a  drop  of  the  cradler  on  delight 
mebold  laddy  was  stetched?  Knit  wear?  And  they  addled,  (or 
ere  the  cry  of  their  tongues  would  be  uptied  dead)  Shufflebotham 
asidled,  plus  his  ducks  fore  his  drills,  an  inlay  of  a  liddle  more 
lining  maught  be  licensed  all  at  ones,  be  these  same  tokens,  for- 
giving a  brass  rap,  sneither  a  whole  length  nor  a  short  shift  so 
full  as  all  were  concerned.  i 

Burniface,  shjply  efter,  shoply  after,  at  an  angle  of  lag,  let  flow, 
brabble  brabble  and  brabble,  and  so  hostily,  heavyside  breathing, 
came  up  with  them  and,  check  me  joule,  shot  the  three  tailors, 
butting  back  to  Moyle  herring,  bump  as  beam  and  buttend,  roller  i'  ^^Ta  iji^ 
and  reiter,  after  the  diluv's  own  deluge,  the  seasant  samped  as 
skibber  breezed  in,  tripping,  dripping,  threw  the  sheets  in  the 
wind,  the  tights  of  his  trunks  at  tickle  to  tackle  and  his  rubmelucky 
truss  rehorsing  the  pouffed  skirts  of  his  overhawl.  He'd  left  his 
stickup  in  his  hand  to  show  them  none  ill  feeling.  Whatthough  for 
all  appentices  it  had  a  mushroom  on  it.  While  he  faced  them 
front  to  back.  Then  paraseuls  round,  quite  taken  atack,  sclaiming, 
Howe  cools  Eavybrolly! 

—  Good  marrams,  sagd  he,  freshwatties  and  boasterdes  all,  as 
he  put  into  bierhiven,  nogeysokey  first,  cabootle  segund,  jilling 
to  windwards,  as  he  made  straks  for  that  oerasound  the  snarsty  weg 
for  Publin,  so  was  his  horenpipe  lug  in  the  lee  off  their  mouths 
organs,  with  his  tilt  too  taut  for  his  tammy  all  a  slaunter  and  his 
wigger  on  a  wagger  with  its  tag  tucked.  Up.  With  a  good  easter- 
ing  and  a  good  westering.  And  he  asked  from  him  how  the  hitch 
did  do  this  my  fand  sulkers  that  mone  met  the  Kidballacks  which 
he  suttonly  remembered  also  where  the  hatch  was  he  endnew 
strandweys  he's  that  fond  sutchenson,  a  penincular  fraimd  of 
mind,  fordeed  he  was  langseling  to  talka  holt  of  hems,  clown 
toff,  tye  hug  fliorten.  Cablen:  Clifftop.  Shelvling  tobay  oppe- 
long  tomeadow.  Ware  cobbles.  Posh. 

—  Skibbereen  has  common  inn,  by  pounautique,  with  poke- 
way  paw,  and  sadder  raven  evermore,  telled  shinshanks  lauwering 
frankish  for  his  kicker  who,  through  the  medium  of  gallic 

315 


—  Pukkelsen,  tilltold. 

That  with  some  our  prowed  invisors  how  their  ulstravoliance  led 
them  infroraids,  striking  down  and  landing  alow,  against  our 
aerian  insulation  resistance,  two  boards  that  beached  ast  one,  wid- 
ness  thane  and  tysk  and  hanry.  Prepatrickularly  all,  they  summed. 
Kish  met.  Bound  to.  And  for  landlord,  noting,  nodding,  a  coast 
to  moor  was  cause  to  mear.  Besides  proof  plenty,  over  proof. 
While  they  either  took  a  heft.  Or  the  other  swore  his  eric.  Heaved 
two,  spluiced  the  menbrace.  Heirs  at  you,  Brewinbaroon!  Weth 
a  whistle  for  methanks. 

—  Good  marrams  and  good  merrymills,  sayd  good  mothers 
gossip,  bobbing  his  bowing  both  ways  with  the  bents  and  skerries, 
when  they  were  all  in  the  old  walled  of  Kinkincaraborg  (and  that 
they  did  overlive  the  hot  air  of  Montybunkum  upon  the  coal 
blasts  of  Mitropolitos  let  there  meeds  be  the  hourihom),  hibernia- 
ting  after  seven  oak  ages,  fearsome  where  they  were  he  had  gone 
dump  in  the  doomering  this  tide  where  the  peixies  would  pickle 
him  down  to  the  button  of  his  seat  and  his  sess  old  soss  Erinly 
into  the  boelgein  with  the  help  of  Divy  and  Jorum's  locquor  and 

f'^L  shut  the  door  after  him  to  make  a  rarely  fine  Ran's  cattle  of  fish. 
Morya  Mortimor!  Allapalla  overus!  Howoft  had  the  ballshee 
tried!  And  they  laying  low  for  his  home  gang  in  that  eeriebleak 
mead,  with  fireball  feast  and  turkeys  tumult  and  paupers  patch 
to  provide  his  bum  end.  The  foe  things  your  niggerhead  needs 
to  be  fitten  for  the  Big  Water.  He  made  the  sign  of  the  ham- 
mer. God's  drought,  he  sayd,  after  a  few  daze,  thinking  of  all 
those  bliakings,  how  leif  pauses !  Here  you  are  back  on  your  haw- 
kins,  from  Blasil  the  Brast  to  our  povotogesus  portocall,  the  furt 
on  the  turn  of  the  hurdles,  slave  to  trade,  vassal  of  spices  and  a 
dragon-the-market,  and  be  turbot,  lurch  a  stripe,  as  were  you 
soused  methought  out  of  the  mackerel.  Eldsfells!  sayd  he.  A 
kumpavin  on  iceslant !  Here's  open  handlegs  for  one  old  faulker 
from  the  hame  folk  here  in  you's  booth!  So  sell  me  gundy,  sagd 
the  now  waging  cappon,  with  a  warry  posthumour's  expiation, 
shoots  ogos  shootsle  him  or  where's  that  slob.'^  A  bit  bite  of 
keesens,  he  sagd,  til  Dennis,  for  this  jantar  (and  let  the  dobblins 

316 


roast  perus,)  or  a  stinger,  he  sagd,  t.  d,,  on  a  doroughbread  ken- 
nedy's  for  Patriki  San  Saki  on  svo  fro  or  my  old  relogion's  out 
of  tiempor  and  when  I'm  soured  to  the  tipple  you  can  sink  me 
lead,  he  sagd,  and,  if  I  get  can,  sagd  he,  a  pusspull  of  tomtar- 
tarum.  Thirst  because  homing  hand  give.  Allkey  dallkey,  sayd 
the  shop's  housebound,  for  he  was  as  deep  as  the  north  star  (and 
could  tolk  sealer's  solder  into  tankar's  tolder)  as  might  have  sayd 
every  man  to  his  beast,  and  a  treat  for  the  trading  scow,  my  cater 
million  falls  to  you  and  crop  feed  a  stall !  Afram.  And  he  got  and 
gave  the  ekspedient  for  Hombreyhambrey  wilcomer  what's  the 
good  word.  He  made  the  sign  on  the  feaster.  Cloth  be  laid !  And 
a  disk  of  osturs  for  the  swanker!  Allahballah!  He  was  the  care- 
lessest  man  I  ever  see  but  he  sure  had  the  most  sand.  One  fish- 
ball  with  fixings !  For  a  dan  of  a  ven  of  a  fin  of  a  son  of  a  gun  of 
a  gombolier.  Ekspedient,  sayd  he,  sonnur  mine,  Shackleton  Sul- 
ten!  Opvarts  and  at  ham,  or  this  ogry  Osier  will  oxmaul  us  all, 
sayd  he,  like  one  familiar  to  the  house,  while  Waldemar  was 
heeling  it  and  Maldemaer  was  toeing  it,  soe  syg  he  was  walking 
from  the  bowl  at  his  food  and  the  meer  crank  he  was  waiting  for 
the  tow  of  his  turn.  Till  they  plied  him  behaste  on  the  fare.  Say 
wehrn! 

—  Nohow  did  he  kersse  or  hoot  alike  the  suit  and  solder  skins,  \ 
minded  first  breachesmaker  with  considerable  way  on  and  / 

—  Humpsea  dumpsea,  the  munchantman,  secondsnipped  cutter 
the  curter. 

— A  ninth  for  a  ninth.  Take  my  worth  from  it.  And  no  mistaenk, 
they  thricetold  the  taler  and  they  knew  the  whyed  for  too.  The 
because  of  his  sosuch.  Uglymand  fit  himshemp  but  throats  fill  us 
all!  And  three's  here's  for  repeat  of  the  unium!  Place  the  scaurs 
wore  on  your  groot  big  bailey  bill,  he  apullajibed,  the  O' Colonel 
Power,  latterly  distented  from  the  O' Conner  Dan,  so  promonitory 
himself  that  he  was  obliffious  of  the  headth  of  hosth  that  rosed 
before  him,  from  Sheeroskouro,  under  its  zembliance  of  mardal 
mansk,  like  a  dun  darting  dullemitter,  with  his  moultain  haares 
stuck  in  plostures  upon  it,  (do  you  kend  yon  peak  with  its  coast  so 
green .'^)  still  trystfully  acape  for  her  his  gragh  knew  well  in  pre- 

317 


cious  memory  and  that  proud  grace  to  her,  in  gait  a  movely  water, 
of  smile  a  coolsome  cup,  with  that  rarefied  air  of  a  Montmalency 
and  her  quick  little  breaths  and  her  climbing  colour.  Take  thee 
live  will  save  thee  wive?  I'll  think  uplon,  lilady.  Should  anerous 
enthroproise  call  homovirtue,  duinnafear!  The  ghem's  to  the 
ghoom  be  she  nere  zo  zma.  Obsit  nemon!  Floodlift,  her  ancient 
of  rights  regaining,  so  yester  yidd,  even  remembrance.  And 
greater  grown  then  in  the  trifle  of  her  days,  a  mouse,  a  mere 
tittle,  trots  off  with  the  whole  panoromacron  picture.  Her  young- 
free  yoke  stilling  his  wandercursus,  jilt  the  spin  of  a  curl  and  jolt 
the  broadth  of  a  buoy.  The  Annexandreian  captive  conquest. 
Ethna  Prettyplume,  Hooghly  Spaight.  Him  her  first  lap,  her  his 
fast  pal,  for  ditcher  for  plower,  till  deltas  twoport.  While  this 
glowworld's  lump  is  gloaming  off  and  han  in  hende  will  grow. 
Through  simpling  years  where  the  lowcasts  have  aten  of  amilikan 
honey  and  datish  fruits  and  a  bannock  of  barley  on  Tham  the 
Thatcher's  palm.  O  wanderness  be  wondernest  and  now!  Listen- 
eath  to  me,  veils  of  Mina !  He  would  withsay,  nepertheloss,  that 
is  too  me  mean.  I  oldways  did  me  walsh  and  preechup  ere  we  set 
to  sope  and  fash.  Now  eats  the  vintner  over  these  contents  oft 
with  his  sad  slow  munch  for  backonham.  Yet  never  shet  it  the 
brood  of  aurowoch,  not  for  legions  of  donours  of  Gamuels.  I 
have  performed  the  law  in  truth  for  the  lord  of  the  law,  Taif 
Alif.  I  have  held  out  my  hand  for  the  holder  of  my  heart  in  Anna- 
polis, my  youthrib  city.  Be  ye  then  my  protectors  unto  Mussa- 
botomia  before  the  guards  of  the  city.  Theirs  theres  is  a  gentle- 
meants  agreement.  Womensch  plodge.  To  slope  through  heather 
till  the  foot.  Join  Andersoon  and  Co.  If  the  flowers  of  speech 
valed  the  springs  of  me  rising  the  hiker  I  hilltapped  the  murk  I 
mist  my  blezzard  way.  Not  a  knocker  on  his  head  nor  a  nick- 
number  on  the  manyoumeant.  With  that  coldtbrundt  natteldster 
wefting  stinks  from  Alpyssinia,  wooving  nihilnulls  from  Memo- 
land  and  wolving  the  ulvertones  of  the  voice.  But  his  spectrem 
onlymergeant  crested  from  the  irised  sea  in  plight,  calvitousness, 
loss,  nngnr,  gliddinyss,  unwill  and  snorth.  It  might  have  been 
what  you  call  your  change  of  my  life  but  there's  the  chance  of  a 

318 


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i 


i 

I 


i 


I 


4 


night  for  my  lifting.  Hillyhollow,  valleylow!  With  the  sounds 
and  the  scents  in  the  morning.  <^o^jk4.e\ 

—  I  shot  be  shoddied,  throttle  me,  fine  me  cowheel  for  ever, 
usquebauched  the  ersewild  aleconner,  for  bringing  briars  to  Bem- 
bracken  and  ringing  rinbus  round  Demetrius  for,  as  you  wrinkle 
wryghtly,  bully  bluedomer,  it's  a  suirsite's  stircus  haunting  hes- 
teries  round  old  volcanoes.  We  gin  too  gnir  and  thus  plinary 
indulgence  makes  collemullas  of  us  all.  But  Time  is  for  talerman 
tasting  his  tap.  Tiptoptap,  Mister  Maut. 

He  made  one  summery  (Cholk  and  murble  in  lonestime)  of  his 
the  three  swallows  like  he  was  muzzling  Moselems  and  torched 
up  as  the  faery  pangeant  fluwed  down  the  hisophenguts,  a  slake 
for  the  quicklining,  to  the  tickle  of  his  tube  and  the  twobble  of 
his  fable,  O,  fibbing  once  upon  a  spray  what  a  queer  and  queasy 
spree  it  was.  Plumped. 

Which  both  did.  Prompt.  Eh,  chrystal  holder.'^  Save  Ampster- 
dampster  that  had  rheumaniscences  in  his  netherlumbs. 

—  By  the  drope  in  his  groin,  Ali  Slupa,  thinks  the  cappon, 
plumbing  his  liners,  we  were  heretofore. 

—  And  be  the  coop  of  his  gobbos,  Reacher  the  Thaurd,  thinks 
your  girth  fatter,  apopo  of  his  buckseaseilers,  but  where's  Horace's 
courtin  troopsers.^ 

—  I  put  hem  behind  the  oasthouse,  sagd  Pukkelsen,  tuning 
wound  on  the  teller,  appeased  to  the  cue,  that  double  dyode 
dealered,  and  he's  wallowing  awash  swill  of  the  Tarra  water.  And 
it  marinned  down  his  gargantast  trombsathletic  like  the  marousers  of 
the  gulpstroom.  The  kersse  of  Wolafs  on  him,  shitateyar,  he  sagd  in 
the  fornicular,  and,  at  weare  or  not  at  weare,  I'm  sigen  no  stretcher, 
for  I  carsed  his  murhersson  goat  in  trotthers  with  them  newbuckle- 
noosers  behigh  in  the  fire  behame  in  the  oasthouse.  Hops !  sagd  he. 

—  Smoke  and  coke  choke !  lauffed  till  the  tear  trickled  drown  a 
thigh  the  loafers  all  but  a  sheep's  whosepants  that  swished  to  the 
lord  he  hadn't  and  the  starer  his  story  was  tailed  to  who  felt  that, 
the  fierifornax  being  thurst  on  him  motophosically,  as  Omar 
sometime  notes,  such  a  satuation,  debauchly  to  be  watched  for, 
would  empty  dempty  him  down  to  the  ground. 

^  319 


—  And  hopy  dope !  sagd  he,  anded  the  enderer,  now  dyply 
hypnotised  or  hopeseys  doper  himself.  And  kersse  him,  sagd  he, 
after  inunder  tarrapoulling,  and  the  shines  he  cuts,  shinar,  the 
screeder,  the  stitchimesnider,  adepted  to  nosestorsioms  in  his 
budinholder,  cummanisht,  sagd  he,  (fouyoufoukou!)  which  goes 
in  the  ways  smooking  publics,  sagd  he,  bomboosting  to  be  in 

p^,^lc>^  thelitest  civille  row  faction  for  a  dubblebrasterd  navvygaiterd, 

(flick  off  that  hvide  aske,  big  head !)  sagd  he,  the  big  bag  of  my 
hamd  till  hem,  tollerloon,  sagd  he,  with  his  pudny  bun  brofkost 
when  he  waits  meet  the  bangd.  I  will  put  his  fleas  of  wood  in  the 
flour,  and  he  sagd,  behunt  on  the  oatshus,  the  not  wellmade  one, 
sagd  he,  the  kersse  of  my  armsore  appal  this  most  unmentionablest 
of  men  (mundering  eeriesk,  if  he  didn't  scalded  him  all  the 
shimps  names  in  his  gitter!)  a  coathemmed  gusset  sewer,  sagd  he, 
his  first  cudgin  is  an  innvalet  in  the  unitred  stables  which  is  not 
feed  tonights  a  kirtle  offal  fisk  and  he  is  that  woe  worstered 
wastended  shootmaker  whatever  poked  a  noodle  in  a  clouth! 
,  '  So  for  the  second  tryon  all  the  meeting  of  the  acarras  had  it. 

How  he  hised  his  bungle  oar  his  shourter  and  cut  the  pinter  off  his 
pourer  and  lay  off  for  Fellagulphia  in  the  farning.  From  his 
dhruimadhreamdhrue  back  to  Brighten-pon-the-Baltic,  from  our 
lund's  rund  turs  bag  til  threathy  hoeres  a  wuke.  Ugh! 

—  Stuff,  Taaffe,  stuff!  interjoked  it  his  wife's  hopesend  to  the 
, '  \       boath  of  them  consistently.  Copie  back  to  May  Aileen. 

—  lid  luck  to  it!  blastfumed  the  nowraging  scamptail,  in  flating 
furies  outs  trews  his  cammelskins,  the  flashlight  of  his  ire  wacker- 
ing  from  the  eye  winker  on  his  masttop.  And  aye  far  he  fared  from 
Afferik  Arena  and  yea  near  he  night  till  Blawland  Bearring, 
baken  be  the  brazen  sun,  buttered  be  the  snows.  And  the  sea 
shoaled  and  the  saw  squalled.  And,  soaking  scupper,  didn't  he 
drain  , 

A  pause.  •  ^  r,  /       ,  er-^ 

Infernal  machinery  (serial  number;  BuUysacre,  dig  care  a  dig) 
having  thus  passed  the  buck  to  billy  back  from  jack  (finder  the 
keeper)  as  the  baffling  yarn  sailed  in  circles  it  was  now  high  tide 
for  the  reminding  pair  of  snipers  to  be  suitably  punished  till  they 

320 


(iff  rJ  ^ 


/ 


had,  like  the  pervious  oelkenner  done,  liquorally  no  more  powers 
to  their  elbow.  Ignorinsers'  bliss,  therefore,  their  not  to  say  rifle 
f^fip  c<  ■  butt  target,  none  too  wisefoUy,  poor  fish,  (he  is  eating,  he  is  spun, 
is  milked,  he  dives)  upholding  a  lampthorne  of  lawstift  as  wand 
of  welcome  to  all  men  in  bonafay,  (and  the  corollas  he  so  has 
saved  gainsts  the  virus  he  has  thus  injected !)  dijcoastedself  to  that 
kipsie  point  of  its  Dublin  bar  there,  breaking  and  entering,  from  the 
outbagk's  dead  heart,  Glasthule  Bourne  or  Boehernapark  Nolagh, 
by  wattsismade  or  bianconi,  astraylians  in  island,  a  wellknown 
tall  hat  blown  in  between  houses  by  a  nightcap  of  that  silk  or  it 
might  be  a  black  velvet  and  a  kiber  galler  dragging  his  hunker, 
were  signalling  gael  warnings  towards  Wazwollenzee  Haven  to 
give  them  their  beerings,  east  circular  route  or^^gant^jcentral 
highway.  Open,  'tis  luck  will  have  it!  Lifeboat  AUoe,  Noeman's 
Woe,  Hircups  Emptybolly !  With  winkles  whelks  and  cocklesent 
f\V3^  jelks.  Let  be  buttercup  eve  lit  by  night  in  the  Phoenix!  Music. 
And  old  lotts  have  funn  at  Flarjimagen's  ball.  Till  Irinwakes  from 
Slumber  Deep.  How  they  succeeded  by  courting  daylight  in 
saving  darkness  he  who  loves  will  see. 
Business.  His  bestness.  Copeman  helpen. 
Contrescene.  /4  ^/&- 

^  He  cupped  his  yea^  to  catch  me's  to  y^  in  what's  yours  as 
minest  to  hissent,  giel  as  gail,  geil  as  gaul,  Odorozone,  now  our- 
menial  servent,  blanding  rum,  milk  and  toddy  with  I  hand  it 
to  you.  Saying  whiches,  see  his  bow  on  the  hapence,  with  a  pat- 
tedyr  but  digit  here,  he  scooped  the  hens,  hounds  and  horses 
biddy  by  bunny,  with  an  arc  of  his  covethand,  saved  from  the 
drohnings  they  might  oncounter,  untill  his  cubid  long,  to  hide  in 
dry.  Aside.  Your  sows  tin  the  topple,  dodgers,  trink  me  dregs! 
Zoot! 

And  with  the  gust  of  a  spring  alice  the  fossickers  and  swaggelers 
with  him  on  the  hoof  from  down  under  piked  forth  desert  roses  in 
that  muUigar  scrub. 

Reenter  Ashe  Junior.  Peiwei  toptip,  nankeen  pontdelounges. 
Gives  fair  day.  Cheroot.  Cheevio! 
Off. 

321 


— Take  off  thatch  whitehat  (lo,  Kersse  come  in  back  bespoking 
of  loungeon  off  the  Boildawl  stuumplecheats  for  rushirishis  Irush- 
Irish,  dangieling  his  old  Conan  over  his  top  gallant  shouldier  so 
was,  lao  yiu  shao,  he's  like  more  look  a  novicer  on  the  nevay). 

—  Tick  off  that  whilehot,  you  scum  of  a  botch,  (of  Kersse  who, 
as  he  turned  out,  alas,  hwen  ching  hwan  chang,  had  been  mocking 
his  hollaballoon  a  sample  of  the  costume  of  the  country). 

—  Tape  oaf  that  saw  fouU  and  sew  wrong,  welsher,  you  suck  of 
a  thick,  stock  and  the  udder,  and  confiteor  yourself  (for  bekersse 
he  had  cuttered  up  and  misfutthered  in  the  most  multiplest 
manner  for  that  poor  old  bridge's  masthard  slouch  a  shook  of 
cloakses  the  wise,  hou  he  pouly  hung  hoang  tseu,  his  own  fitther 
couldn't  nose  him). 

Chorus:  With  his  coate  so  graye.  And  his  pounds  that  he 
pawned  from  the  burning. 

—  And,  haikon  or  hurlin,  who  did  you  do  at  doyle  today,  my 
horsey  dorksey  gentryman.  Serge  Mee,  suit!  sazd  he,  tersey  ker- 
sey. And  when  Tersse  had  sazd  this  Kersse  stood  them  the  whole 
koursse  of  training  how  the  whole  blazy  raze  acurraghed,  from 
lambkinsback  to  sliving  board  and  from  spark  to  phoenish.  And 
he  tassed  him  tartly  and  he  sassed  him  smartly,  tig  for  tager,  strop 
for  stripe,  as  long  as  there's  a  lyasher  on  a  kyat.  And  they  peered 
him  beheld  on  the  pyre. 

And  it  was  so.  Behold. 

—  Same  capman  no  nothing  horces  two  feller  he  feller  go 
where.  Isn't  that  effect.'^  gig  for  gag,  asked  there  three  newcom- 
mers  till  knockingshop  at  the  ones  upon  a  topers  who,  while  in 
admittance  to  that  impedance,  as  three  as  they  were  there,  they  had 
been  malttreating  themselves  to  their  health's  contempt. 

—  That's  fag  for  fig,  metinkus,  confessed,  mhos  for  mhos,  those 
who,  would  it  not  be  for  that  dielectrick,  were  upon  the  point  of 
obsoletion,  and  at  the  brink  of  from  the  pillary  of  the  Nilsens  and 
from  the  statutes  of  the  Kongbullies  and  from  the  milestones  of 
Ovlergroamlius  libitate  nos,  Domnial! 

—  And  so  culp  me  goose,  he  sazd,  szed  the  ham  muncipated  of 
the  first  course,  recoursing,  all  cholers  and  coughs  with  his  beauw 

322 


I 


on  the  bummell,  tlie  bugganeering  wanderducken,  he  sazd,  (that 
his  pumps  may  ship  awhoyle  shandymound  of  the  dussard),  the 
coarsehair  highsaydighsayman,  there's  nice  tugs  he  looks,  (how 
you  was,  Ship  Alouset?)  he  sazd,  the  bloedaxe  bloodooth  baltxe- 
bec,  that  is  crupping  into  our  raw  lenguage  navel  through  the 
lumbsmall  of  his  hawsehole,  he  sazd,  donconfounder  him,  voyag- 
ing after  maidens,  belly  jonah  hunting  the  polly  joans,  and  the 
hurss  of  all  portnoysers  befaddle  him,  he  sazd,  till  I  split  in  his  flags, 
he  sazd,  one  to  one,  the  landslewder,  after  Donnerbruch  fire. 
Reefer  was  a  wenchman.  One  can  smell  off  his  wetsments  how  he 
is  coming  from  a  beach  of  promisck.  Where  is  that  old  muttiny, 
shall  I  ask?  Free  kicks  he  will  have  from  me,  turncoats,  in  Bar 
Hartley  if  I  wars  a  fewd  years  ago.  Meistr  Capteen  Gaascooker,  a 
salestrimmer!  As  he  was  soampling  me  ledder,  like  pulp,  and  as 
I  was  trailing  his  fumbelums,  like  hulp,  he'll  fell  the  fall  of  me 
faus,  he  sazd,  like  yulp!  The  goragorridgorballyed  pushkalsson, 
he  sazd,  with  his  bellows  pockets  fulled  of  potchtatos  and  his  fox 
in  a  stomach,  a  disagrees  to  his  ramskew  coddlelecherskithers' 
zirkuvs,  drop  down  dead  and  deaf,  and  there  is  never  a  teilwrmans 
in  the  feof  fife  of  Iseland  or  in  the  wholeabelongd  of  Skunkinabory 
from  Drumadunderry  till  the  rumnants  of  Mecckrass,  could  milk 
a  colt  in  thrushes  foran  furrow  follower  width  that  a  hole  in  his 
tale  and  that  hell  of  a  hull  of  a  hill  of  a  camelump  bakk.  Fadgest- 
fudgist! 

Upon  this  dry  call  of  selenium  cell  (that  horn  of  lunghalloon, 
Riland's  in  peril!)  with  its  doomed  crack  of  the  old  damn  ukonnen  & 
power  insound  in  it  the  lord  of  the  saloom,  as  if  for  a  flash  sala- 
magunnded  himself,  listed  his  tummelumpsk  pack  and  hearinat 
presently  returned  him,  ambilaterally  alleyeoneyesed,  from  their 
uppletoned  layir  to  his  beforetime  guests,  that  bunch  of  palers  on 
their  round,  timemarching  and  petrolling  how,  who  if  they  were 
abound  to  loose  a  laugh  (Toni  Lampi,  you  booraascal !)  they  were 
abooned  to  let  it  as  the  leashed  they  might  do  when  they  felt  (O, 
the  wolf  he's  on  the  walk,  sees  his  sham  cram  bokk!)  their  joke 
was  coming  home  to  them,  the  steerage  way  for  stabling,  ghus- 
torily  spoeking,  gen  and  gang,  dane  and  dare,  like  the  dud  spuk 

323 


of  his  first  foetotype  (Trolldedroll,  how  vary  and  likely!),  the  filli- 
bustered,  the  fully  bellied.  With  the  old  sit  in  his  shoulders,  and 
the  new  satin  atlas  onder  his  uxter,  erning  his  breadth  to  the  swelt 
of  his  proud  and,  picking  up  the  emberose  of  the  lizod  lights,  his 
tail  toiled  of  spume  and  spawn,  and  the  bulk  of  him,  and  hulk  of 
him  as  whenever  it  was  he  reddled  a  ruad  to  riddle  a  rede  from  the 
sphinxish  pairc  while  Ede  was  a  guardin,  ere  love  a  side  issue. 
They  hailed  him  cheeringly,  their  encient,  the  murrainer,  and 
wallruse,  the  merman,  ye  seal  that  lubs  you  lassers,  Thallasee  or 
Tullafilmagh,  when  come  of  uniform  age. 

—  Heave,  coves,  emptybloddy! 

And  ere  he  could  catch  or  hook  or  line  to  suit  their  saussyskins, 
the  lumpenpack.  Underbund  was  overraskelled.  As 

—  Sot!  sod  the  tailors  opsits  from  their  gabbalots,  change  all 
that  whole  set.  Shut  down  and  shet  up.  Our  set,  our  set's 
allohn. 

And  they  poured  em  behoiled  on  the  fire.  Scaald! 

Rowdiose  wodhalooing.  Theirs  is  one  lessonless  missage  for 
good  and  truesirs.  Will  any  persen  bereaved  to  be  passent  bring- 
back  or  rumpart  to  the  Hoved  politymester.  Clontarf,  one  love, 
one  fear.  Ellers  for  the  greeter  glossary  of  code,  callen  hom: 
Finucane-Lee,  Finucane-Law. 

Am.  Dg. 

Welter  focussed. 

Wind  from  the  nordth.  Warmer  towards  mufiinbell.  Lull. 

As  our  revelant  Colunnfiller  predicted  in  last  mount's  chattiry 
sermon,  the  allexpected  depression  over  Schiumdinebbia,  a  bygger 
muster  of  veirying  precipitation  and  haralded  by  faugh  sicknells, 
(hear  kokkenhovens  ekstras!)  and  umwalloped  in  an  unusuable 
suite  of  clouds,  having  filthered  through  the  middelhav  of  the 
same  gorgers'  kennel  on  its  wage  wealthwards  and  incursioned  a 
sotten  retch  of  low  pleasure,  missed  in  some  parts  but  with  lucal 
drizzles,  the  outlook  for  tomarry  (Streamstress  Mandig)  beamed 
brider,  his  ability  good. 

What  hopends  to  they? 

Giant  crash  in  Aden.  Birdflights  confirm  abbroaching  nub- 

324 


I 


i 

I 


tials.  Burial  of  Lifetenant-Groevener  Hatchett,  R.I.D.  Devine's 
Previdence. 
Ls.  De. 

Art  thou  gainous  sense  uncompetite!  Limited.  Anna  Lynchya 
Pourable !  One  and  eleven.  United  We  Stand,  even  many  offered. 
Don't  forget.  I  wish  auspicable  thievesdayte  for  the  stork  dyrby. 
It  will  be  a  thousand's  a  won  paddies.  And  soon  to  bet.  On  drums 
of  bliss.  With  hapsalap  troth,  hipsalewd  prudity,  hopesalot  hon- 
nessy,  hoopsaloop  luck.  After  when  from  midnights  unwards  the 
fourposter  harp  quartetto.  (Kiskiviikko,  Kalastus.  Torstaj,  tanssia. 
Perjantaj,  peleja.  Lavantaj  ja  Sunnuntaj,  christianismus  kirjallisuus, 
kirjallisuus  christianismus.)  Whilesd  this  pellover  his  finnisch. 

—  Comither,  ahorace,  thou  mighty  man  of  valour,  elderman 
adaptive  of  Capel  Ysnod,  and  tsay-fong  tsei-foun  a  laun  bricks- 
number  till  I've  fined  you  a  faulter-in-law,  to  become  your  son- 
to-be,  gentlemens  tealer,  generalman  seelord,  gosse  and  bosse, 
hunguest  and  horasa,  jonjemsums  both,  in  sailsmanship,  szed  the 
head  marines  talebearer,  then  sayd  the  ships  gospfather  in  the  scat 
story  to  the  husband's  capture  and  either  you  does  or  he  musts 
and  this  moment  same,  sayd  he,  so  let  laid  pacts  be  being  betving 
ye,  he  sayd,  by  my  main  makeshift,  he  sayd,  one  fisk  and  one  flesk, 
as  flat  as,  Aestmand  Addmundson  you,  you're  iron  slides  and  so 
hompety  domp  as  Paddley  Mac  Namara  here  he's  a  hardy  canooter, 
for  the  two  breasts  of  Banba  are  her  soilers  and  her  toilers,  if  thou 
wilt  serve  Idyall  as  thou  hast  sayld.  Brothers  Boathes,  brothers 
Coathes,  ye  have  swallen  blooders'  oathes.  And  Gophar  sayd  unto 
Glideon  and  sayd  he  to  the  nowedding  captain,  the  rude  hunner- 
able  Humphrey,  who  was  praying  god  of  clothildies  by  the  seven 
bosses  of  his  trunktarge  he  would  save  bucklesome  when  she 
wooed  belove  on  him,  comeether,  sayd  he,  my  merrytime  mare- 
lupe,  you  wutan  whaal,  sayd  he,  into  the  shipfolds  of  our  quad- 
rupede  island,  bless  madhugh,  mardyk,  luusk  and  cong!  Blass 
Neddos  bray!  And  no  more  of  your  maimed  acts  after  this  with 
your  kowtoros  and  criados  to  every  tome,  thick  and  heavy,  and 
our  onliness  of  his  revelance  to  your  ultitude.  The  illfollowable 
staying  in  wait  for  you  with  the  winning  word  put  into  his  mouth 

325 


or  be  the  hooley  tabell,  as  Horrocks  Toler  hath  most  cares  to  call 
it,  I'll  rehearse  your  comeundermends  and  first  mardhyr  you  en- 
tirely. As  puck  as  that  Paddeus  picked  the  pun  and  left  the  lollies 
off  the  foiled.  A  Trinity  judge  will  crux  your  boom.  Pat  is  the 
man  for  thy.  Ay  ay!  And  he  pured  him  beheild  of  the  ouishguss, 
mingling  a  sign  of  the  cruisk.  I  popetithes  thee,  Ocean,  sayd  he, 
Oscarvaughther,  sayd  he,  Erievikkingr,  sayd  he,  intra  trifum 
triforium  trifoliorum,  sayd  he,  onconditionally,  forfor  furst  of  giel- 
gaulgalls  and  hero  chief  explunderer  of  the  clansakiltic,  sayd  he, 
the  streameress  mastress  to  the  sea  aase  cuddycoalman's  and  let 
this  douche  for  you  as  a  wholly  apuzzler's  and  for  all  the  puk- 
kaleens  to  the  wakes  of  you,  sayd  he,  out  of  the  hellsinky  of  the 
howtheners  and  be  danned  to  ye,  sayd  he,  into  our  roomyo  con- 
nellic  relation,  sayd  he,  from  which  our  this  pledge  is  given,  Tera 
truly  ternatrine  if  not  son  towards  thousand  like  expect  chrisan 
athems  to  which  I  osker  your  godhsbattaring,  saelir,  for  as  you 
gott  kvold  whereafter  a  gooden  diggin  and  with  gooder  enscure 
from  osion  buck  fared  agen  fairioes  feuded  hailsohame  til  Edar 
in  that  the  loyd  mave  hercy  on  your  sael!  Anomyn  and  awer. 
Spickinusand. 

—  Nansense,  you  snorsted.'^  he  was  haltid  considerable  agenst 
all  religions  overtrow  so  hworefore  the  thokkurs  pokker  the  big- 
bug  miklamanded  storstore  exploder  would  he  be  whulesalesolde 
daadooped  by  Priest  Gudfodren  of  the  sacredhaunt  suit  in 
Diaeblen-Balkley  at  Domnkirk  Saint  Petricksburg.^  But  ear  this: 

— And  here,  aaherra,  my  rere  admirable  peadar  poulsen,  sayd 
he,  consistently,  to  the  secondnamed  sutor,  my  lately  lamented 
sponsorship,  comesend  round  that  wine  and  lift  your  horn,  sayd 
he,  to  show  you're  a  skolar  for,  winter  you  likes  or  not,  we 
brought  your  summer  with  us  and,  tomkin  about  your  lief  eurek- 
ason  and  his  undishcovery  of  americle,  be  the  rolling  forties,  he 
sayd,  and  on  my  sopper  crappidamn,  as  Harris  himself  says,  to  let 
you  in  on  some  crismion  dottrin,  here  is  the  ninethest  pork  of  a  man 
whisk  swimmies  in  Dybblin  water  from  Ballscodden  easthmost 
till  Thyrston's  Lickslip  and,  sayd  he,  (whiles  the  heart  of  Lukky 
Swayn  slaughed  in  his  icebox  for  to  think  of  all  the  soorts  of 

326 


smukklers  he  would  behave  in  juteyfrieze  being  forelooper  to  her) 
praties  peel  to  our  goodsend  Brandonius,  ^zAW  of  a  Cara,  spouse 
to  Fynlogue,  he  has  the  nicesth  pert  of  a  nittlewoman  in  the 
house,  la  chito,  la  chato,  la  Charmadouiro,  Tina-bat-Talur,  cif  for 
your  fob  and  a  tesura  astore  for  you,  eslucylamp  aswhen  the  surge 
seas  sombren,  that  he  daughts  upon  of  anny  livving  plusquebelle, 
to  child  and  foster,  that's  the  lippeyear's  wonder  of  Totty  go, 
Newschool,  two  titty  too  at  win  winnie  won,  tramity  trimming  and 
funnity  fare,  with  a  grit  as  hard  as  the  trent  of  the  thimes  but  a 
touch  as  saft  as  the  dee  in  flooing  and  never  a  Hyderow  Jenny  the 
like  of  her  lightness  at  look  and  you  leap,  rheadoromanscing  long 
evmans  invairn,  about  little  Anny  Roners  and  all  the  Lavinias  of 
ester  yours  and  pleding  for  them  to  herself  in  the  periglus  glatsch 
hangs  over  her  trickle  bed,  it's  a  piz  of  fortune  if  it  never  falls  from 
the  stufFel,  and,  when  that  mallaura's  over  till  next  time  and  all  the 
prim  rossies  are  out  dressparading  and  the  tubas  tout  tout  for  the 
glowru  of  their  god,  making  every  Dinny  dingle  after  her  down 
the  Dargul  dale  and  (wait  awhile,  blusterbuss,  you're  marchadant 
too  forte  and  don't  start  furlan  your  ladins  till  you' ve  learned  the 
lie  of  her  landuage!),  when  it's  summwer  calding  and  she  can  hear 
the  pianutunar  beyant  the  bayondes  in  Combria  sleepytalking  to 
the  Wiltsh  muntons,  titting  out  through  her  droemer  window 
for  the  flyend  of  a  touchman  over  the  wishtas  of  English  Strand, 
when  Kilbarrack  bell  pings  saksalaisance  that  Concessas  with 
Sinbads  may  (pong!),  where  our  dollimonde  sees  the  phantom 
shape  of  Mr  Fortunatus  Wright  since  winksome  Miss  Bulkeley 
made  loe  to  her  wrecker  and  he  took  her  to  be  a  rover,  O,  and 
playing  house  of  ivary  dower  of  gould  and  gift  you  soil  me 
peepat  my  prize,  which  its  a  blue  loogoont  for  her  in  a  bleakeyed 
seusan  if  she  can't  work  her  mireiclles  and  give  Norgeyborgey 
good  airish  timers,  while  her  fresh  racy  turf  is  kindly  kindling  up 
the  lower  with  the  flu,  with  a  roaryboaryellas  would  set  an  Eri- 
weddyng  on  fire,  let  aloon  an  old  Humpopolamos  with  the  boomar- 
poorter  on  his  brain,  aiden  bay  scye  and  dye,  aasbukividdy, 
twentynine  to  her  dozen  and  coocoo  him  didulceydovely  to  his 
old  cawcaws  huggin  and  munin  for  his  strict  privatear  which 

327 


there's  no  pure  rube  like  an  ool  pool  roober  when  your  pullar 
beer  turns  out  Bruin  O'Luinn  and  beat  his  barge  into  a  battering 
pram  with  her  wattling  way  for  cubblin  and,  be  me  fairy  fay,  sayd 
he,  the  marriage  mixter,  to  Kersse,  Son  of  Joe  Ashe,  her  coax- 
fonder,  wiry  eyes  and  winky  hair,  timkin  abeat  your  Andraws 
Meltons  and  his  lovsang  of  the  short  and  shifty,  I  will  turn  my 
thinks  to  things  alove  and  I  will  speak  but  threes  ones,  sayd  he, 
my  truest  patrions  good  founter,  poles  a  port  and  zones  asunder, 
tie  up  in  hates  and  repeat  at  luxure,  you  can  better  your  tooblue 
prodestind  arson,  tyler  bach,  after  roundsabouts  and  donochs  and 
the  volumed  smoke,  though  the  clonk  in  his  stumble  strikes  warn, 
and  were  he  laid  out  on  that  counter  there  like  a  Slavocrates 
amongst  his  skippies,  when  it  comes  to  the  ride  onerable,  sayd  he, 
that's  to  make  plain  Nanny  Ni  Sheeres  a  full  Dinamarqueza,  and 
all  needed  for  the  lay,  from  the  hursey  on  the  montey  with  the 
room  in  herberge  down  to  forkpiece  and  bucklecatch,  (Elding, 
my  elding!  and  Lif,  my  lif!)  in  the  pravacy  of  the  pirmanocturne, 
hap,  sayd  he,  at  that  meet  hour  of  night,  and  hop,  sayd  he,  and  the 
fyrsty  annas  everso  thried  (whiles  the  breath  of  Huppy  Hulles- 
pond  swumped  in  his  seachest  for  to  renumber  all  the  mallyme- 
dears'  long  roll  and  call  of  sweetheart  emmas  that  every  had  a 
port  in  from  CoxerJiagen  till  the  brottels  on  the  Nile),  while 
taylight  is  yet  slipping  under  their  pillow,  (ill  omens  on  Kitty 
Cole  if  she's  spilling  laddy's  measure!)  and  before  Sing  Mattins  in 
the  Fields,  ringsengd  ringsengd,  bings  Heri  the  Concorant  Erho, 
and  the  Referinn  Fuchs  Gutmann  gives  us  77/  Bell  the  Welled  or 
The  Steeplepoy  s  Revanger  and  all  Thingavalley  knows  for  its 
never  dawn  in  the  dark  but  the  deed  comes  to  life,  and  raptist  bride 
is  aptist  breed  (tha  lassy!  tha  lassy!),  and,  to  buoy  the  hoop 
within  us  springing,  'tis  no  timbertar  she'll  have  then  in  her  arms- 
brace  to  doll  the  dallydandle,  our  fiery  quean,  upon  tlie  night  ot 
the  things  of  the  night  of  the  making  to  stand  up  the  double 
tet  of  the  oversear  of  the  seize  who  cometh  from  the  mighty 
deep  and  on  the  night  of  making  Horuse  to  crihumph  over  his 
enemy,  be  the  help  of  me  cope  as  so  pluse  the  riches  of  the  roed- 
shields,  with  Elizabeliza  blessing  the  bedpain,  at  the  willbedone 

328 


I 


III 


of  Yinko  Jinko  Randy,  come  Bastabasco  and  hippychip  eggs,  she 
will  make  a  suomease  pair  and  singlette,  jodhpur  smalls  and  tailor- 
less,  a  copener's  cribful,  leaf,  bud  and  berry,  the  divlin's  own  little 
mimmykin  puss,  (hip,  hip,  horatia!)  for  my  old  comrhade  salty- 
mar  here,  Briganteen — General  Sir  A.  I.  Magnus,  the  flapper- 
nooser,  master  of  the  good  lifebark  Ulivengrene  of  Onslought, 
and  the  homespund  of  her  hearth,  (Fuss  his  farther  was  the  norse 
norse  east  and  Muss  his  mother  was  a  gluepot)  and,  gravydock  or 
groovy  anker,  and  a  hulldread  pursunk  manowhood,  who  (with 
a  chenchen  for  his  delight  time  and  a  bonzeye  nappin  through  his 
doze)  he  is  the  bettest  bluffy  blondblubber  of  an  olewidgeon  what 
overspat  a  skettle  in  a  skib.  ' 

Cawcaught.  Coocaged.  -  ^ 

And  Dub  did  glow  that  night.  In  Fingal  of  victories.  Cann- 
matha  and  Cathlin  sang  together.  And  the  three  shouters  of 
glory.  Yelling  halfviewed  their  harps.  Surly  Tubal  smiled  upon 
drear  Darthoola:  and  Roscranna's  bolgaboyo  begirlified  the 
daughter  of  Cormac.  The  soul  of  everyelsesbody  rolled  into  its 
olesoleself.  A  doublemonth's  licence,  lease  on  mirth,  while  hooney- 
moon  and  her  flame  went  huneysuckling.  Holyryssia,  what  boom 
of  bells!  What  battle  of  bragues  on  Sandgate  where  met  the  bobby 
mobbed  his  bibby  mabbing  through  the  ryce.  Even  Tombs  left 
doss  and  dunnage  down  in  Demidoff 's  tomb  and  drew  on  the 
dournailed  clogs  that  Morty  Manning  left  him  and  legged  in  by 
Ghoststown  Gate,  like  Pompei  up  to  date,  with  a  sprig  of  White- 
boys  heather  on  his  late  Luke  Elcock's  heirloom.  And  some  say 
they  seen  old  dummydeaf  with  a  leaf  of  bronze  on  his  cloak 
so  grey,  trooping  his  colour  a  pace  to  the  reire.  And  as  owfally 
posh  with  his  halfcrown  jool  as  if  he  was  the  Granjook  Meckl  or 
Paster  de  Grace  on  the  Route  de  I'Epee.  It  was  joobileejeu  that 
All  Sorts'  Jour.  Freestouters  and  publicranks,  hafts  on  glaives. 
You  could  hear  them  swearing  threaties  on  the  Cymylaya 
Mountains,  man.  And  giving  it  out  to  the  Ould  Fathach  and  louth- 
mouthing  after  the  Healy  Mealy  with  an  enfysis  to  bring  down 
the  rain  of  Tarar.  Nevertoletta !  Evertomind!  The  grandest 
bethehailey  seen  or  heard  on  earth's  conspectrum  since  Scape 

329 


the  Goat,  that  gafr,  ate  the  Suenders  bible.  Hadn't  we  heaven's 
lamps  to  hide  us?  Yet  every  lane  had  its  lively  spark  and  every 
spark  had  its  several  spurtles  and  each  spitfire  spurtle  had  some 
trick  of  her  trade,  a  tease  for  Ned,  nook's  nestle  for  Fred  and 
a  peep  at  me  mow  for  Peer  Pol.  So  that  Father  Matt  Hughes 
looked  taytotally  threbled.  But  Danno  the  Dane  grimmed.  Dune. 
'Twere  yeg  will  elsecare  doatty  lanv  meet  they  dewscent  hyemn 
to  cannons'  roar  and  rifles'  peal  vill  shantey  soloweys  sang!  For 
there  were  no  more  Tyrrhanees  and  for  Laxembraghs  was  pass- 
thecupper  to  Our  Lader's.  And  it  was  dim  upon  the  floods  only 
and  there  was  day  on  all  the  ground. 

Thus  street  spins  legends  while  wharves  woves  tales  but  some 
family  fewd  felt  a  nick  in  their  name.  Old  Vickers  sate  down  on 
their  airs  and  straightened  the  points  of  their  lace.  Red  Rowleys 
popped  out  of  their  lairs  and  asked  what  was  wrong  with  the 
race.  Mick  na  Murrough  used  dripping  in  layers  to  shave 
all  the  furze  off  his  face.  The  Burke-Lees  and  Coyle-Finns 
paid  full  feines  for  their  sinns  when  the  Cap  and  Miss  Coolie 
were  roped. 
(/^A^^^^:^::^  ,Rolloraped. 

With  her  banbax  hoist  from  holder,  zig  for  zag  through  pool 
and  polder,  cheap,  cheap,  cheap  and  Laughing  Jack,  all  augurs 
scorenning,  see  the  Bolche  your  pictures  motion  and  Kitzy 
Kleinsuessmein  eloping  for  that  holm  in  Finn's  Hotel  Fiord, 
Nova  Norening.  Where  they  pulled  down  the  kuddle  and  they 
made  fray  and  if  thee  don't  look  homey,  well,  that  Dook  can  eye 
Mae. 

He  goat  a  berth.  And  she  cot  a  manege.  And  wohl's  gorse 
mundom  ganna  wedst. 

Knock  knock.  War's  where!  Which  war.'*  The  Twwinns. 
Knock  knock.  Woos  without!  Without  what?  An  apple.  Knock 
.  knock. 

rv  kilder  massed,  one  then  and  uhindred,  (barefoot,  birdy- 

hands,  herringabone,  beesknees),  and  they  barneydansked  a 
kathareen  round  to  know  the  who  and  to  show  the  howsome. 
Why  was  you  hiding,  moder  of  moders?  And  where  was  hunty, 

330 


I 

II 


poppa  the  gun?  Pointing  up  to  skyless  heaven  like  the  spoon  out 
of  sergeantmajor's  tay.  Which  was  the  worst  of  them  phaymix 
cupplerts?  He's  herd  of  hoarding  and  her  faiths  is  altared.  Becom- 
ing ungoing,  their  seeming  sames  for  though  that  liamstone 
deaf  do  his  part  there's  a  windtreetop  whipples  the  damp  off  the 
mourning.  But  tellusit  allasif  wellasits  end.  And  the  lunger  it 
takes  the  swooner  they  tumble  two.  He  knows  he's  just  thrilling 
and  she's  sure  she'd  squeam.  The  threelegged  man  and  the  tulip- 
pied  dewydress.  Lludd  hillmythey,  we're  brimming  to  hear!  The 
durst  he  did  and  the  first  she  ever?  Peganeen  Bushe,  this  isn't  the 
polkar,  catch  as  you  cancan  when  high  land  fling!  And  you  Tim 
Tommy  Melooney,  I'll  tittle  your  barents  if  you  stick  that  pigpin 
upinto  meh! 

So  in  the  names  of  the  balder  and  of  the  sol  and  of  the  holli- 
chrost,  ogsowearit,  trisexnone,  and  by  way  of  letting  the  aandt 
out  of  her  grosskropper  and  leading  the  mokes  home  by  their 
gribes,  whoopsabout  a  plabbaside  of  plobbicides,  alamam  alemon, 
poison  kerls,  on  this  mounden  of  Delude,  and  in  the  high  places 
of  Delude  of  Isreal,  which  is  Haraharem  and  the  diublin's  owld 
mounden  over  against  Vikens,  from  your  tarns,  thwaites  and 
thorpes,  withes,  tofts  and  fosses,  fells,  haughs  and  shaws,  lunds, 
garths  and  dales,  mensuring  the  megnominous  as  so  will  is  the 
littleyest,  the  myrioheartzed  with  toroidal  coil,  eira  area  round 
wantanajocky,  fin  above  wave  after  ducky  do  wndivvy,  trader  arm 
aslung  beauty  belt,  the  formor  velican  and  nana  karlikeevna, 
sommerlad  and  cinderenda,  Valtivar  and  Viv,  how  Big  Bil  Brine 
Borumoter  first  took  his  gage  at  lil  lolly  lavvander  waader  since 
when  capriole  legs  covets  limbs  of  a  crane  and  was  it  the  twylyd 
or  the  mounth  of  the  yare  or  the  feint  of  her  smell  made  the  seo- 
men  assalt  of  her  (in  imageascene  all:  whimwhim  whimwhim).  T^^"/ 
To  the  laetification  of  disgeneration  by  neuhumorisation  of  our  i  ^^^^' 
kristianiasation.  As  the  last  liar  in  the  earth  begeylywayled  the 
first  lady  of  the  forest.  Though  Toot's  pardoosled  sauve  I'hum- 
mour!  For  the  joy  of  the  dew  on  the  flower  of  the  fleets  on  the 
fields  of  the  foam  of  the  waves  of  the  seas  of  the  wild  main  from 
Borneholm  has  jest  come  to  crown.  5^2'  iC> 

331 


Snip  snap  snoody.  Noo  err  historyend  goody.  Of  a  lil  trip 
trap  and  a  big  treeskooner  for  he  put  off  the  ketyl  and  they 
^<SL         made  three  (for  fie!)  and  if  hec  dont  love  alpy  then  lad  you 
annoy  me.  For  hanigen  with  hunigen  still  haunt  ahunt  to  finnd 
^  their  hinnigen  where  Pappappapparrassannuaragheallachnatull- 

\\\  ^0 '  aghmonganmacmacmacwhackfalltherdebblenonthedubblandadd- 
.        y doodled  and  anruly  person  creeked  a  jest.  Gestapose  to  parry 
^  ?\off  cheekars  or  frankfurters  on  the  odor.  Fine  again,  Cuoholson! 
.  C        ^l^eace,  O  wiley! 

Such  was  die  act  of  goth  stepping  the  tolk  of  Doolin,  drain 
and  plantage,  wattle  and  daub,  with  you'll  peel  as  Fll  pale  and 
we'll  pull  the  boath  toground  togutter,  testies  touchwood  and 
shenstone  unto  pop  and  puma,  calf  and  condor,  under  all  the 
gaauspices  (incorporated),  the  chal  and  his  chi,  their  roammerin 
over,  gribgrobgrab  reining  trippetytrappety  (so  fore  shalt  thou 
flow,  else  thy  cavern  hair!)  to  whom  she  (anit  likenand  please- 
thee!).  Till  sealump  becamedump  to  bumpslump  a  lifflebed, 
(alto la,  allamarsch!  O  gue,  O  gue!).  Kaemper  Daemper  to  Jetty 
de  Waarft,  all  the  weight  of  that  mons  on  his  litde  ribbeunuch! 
Him  that  gronde  old  mand  to  be  that  haard  of  heaering  (afore 
said)  and  her  the  petty  tondur  with  the  fix  in  her  changeable 
eye  (which  see).  Lord,  me  lad,  he  goes  with  blowbierd,  leedy, 
plasheous  stream.  But  before  that  his  loudship  was  converted  to 
a  landshop  there  was  a  little  theogamyjig  incidence  that  hoppy- 
go-jumpy  Junuary  morn  when  he  colluded  with  the  cad  out  on 
the  beg  amudst  the  fiounaregal  gaames  of  those  oathmassed 
fenians  for  whome  he's  forcecaused  a  bridge  of  the  piers,  at 
InverlefFy,  mating  pontine  of  their  engagement,  synnbildising 
graters  and  things,  eke  ysendt.'^  O  nilly,  not  all,  here's  the  first 
cataraction!  As  if  ever  she  cared  an  assuan  damm  about  her 
harpoons  sticking  all  out  of  him  whet  between  phoenix  his 
calipers  and  that  psourdonome  sheath.  Sdrats  ye,  Gus  Paudheen ! 
Kenny's  thought  ye,  Dinny  Oozle!  While  the  cit  was  leaking 
asphalt  like  a  suburbiaurealis  in  liis  rure  was  tucking  to  him  like 
old  booths,  booths,  booths,  booths. 

Enterruption.  Check  or  slowback.  Dvershen. 

332 


^'-^ 


/ 


&  4.  tiff    I  ^^^^ 


Why,  wonder  of  wenchalows,  what  o  szeszame  open,  v  doer  s  t 
doing?  V  door  s  being.  But  how  theng  thingajarry  miens  but  this 
being  becoming  n  z  doer?  K?  An  o.  It  is  ne  not  him  what  foots 
like  a  glove,  shoehandschiner  Pad  Podomkin.  Sooftly,  anni 
slavey,  szszuszchee  is  slowjaneska. 

The  aged  crafty  nummifeed  confusionary  overinsured  ever- 
lapsing  accentuated  katekattershin  clopped,  clopped,  clopped, 
darsey  dobrey,  back  and  along  the  danzing  corridor,  as  she  was 
going  to  pimpim  him,  way  boy  wally,  not  without  her  comple- 
ment of  cavarnan  men,  between  the  two  deathdealing  allied 
divisions  and  the  lines  of  readypresent  fire  of  the  corkedagains  up- 
stored,  taken  in  giving  the  saloot,  band  your  hands  going  in,  bind 
your  heads  coming  out,  and  remoltked  to  herselp  in  her  serf's 
alown,  a  weerpovy  willowy  dreevy  drawly  and  the  patter  of  so 
familiars,  farabroads  and  behomeans,  as  she  shure  sknows,  boof 
for  a  booby,  boo:  new  uses  in  their  mewseyfume.  The  jammesons 
is  a  cook  in  his  hair.  And  the  juinnesses  is  a  rapin  his  hind.  And 
the  Bullingdong  caught  the  wind  up.  Dip. 

And  the  message  she  braught  belaw  from  the  missus  she 
bragged  abouve  that  had  her  agony  stays  outsize  her  sari  chemise, 
blancking  her  shifts  for  to  keep  up  the  fascion  since  the  king  of 
all  dronnings  kissed  her  beeswixed  hand,  fang  (pierce  me,  hunky, 
I'm  full  of  meunders!),  her  fize  like  a  tubtail  of  mondayne 
clothes,  fed  to  the  chaps  with  working  medicals  and  her  birthright 
pang  that  would  split  an  atam  like  the  forty  pins  in  her  hood,  was 
to  fader  huncher  a  howdydowdy,  to  mountainy  mots  in  her 
amnest  plein  language,  from  his  fain  a  wan,  his  hot  and  tot  lass, 
to  pierce  his  ropeloop  ear,  how,  Podushka  be  prayhasd,  now  the 
sowns  of  his  loins  were  awinking  and  waking  and  his  dorter  of 
the  hush  lillabilla  lullaby  (lead  us  not  into  reformication  with  the 
poors  in  your  thingdom  of  gory,  O  moan!),  once  after  males, 
nonce  at  a  time,  with  them  Murphy's  puffs  she  dursted  with 
gnockmeggs  and  the  bramborry  cake  for  dour  dorty  dompling 
obayre  Mattom  Beetom  and  epsut  the  pfot  and  if  he  was  whishtful 
to  licture  her  caudal  with  chesty  chach  from  his  dauberg  den 
and  noviny  news  from  Naul  or  toplots  talks  from  morrienbaths 

333 


or  a  parrotsprate's  cure  for  ensevelised  lethurgies,  spick's  my 
spoon  and  the  veriblest  spoon,  'twas  her  hour  for  the  chamber's 
ensallycopodium  with  love  to  melost  Panny  Kostello  from 
X.Y.  Zid  for  to  folly  billybobbis  gibits  porzy  punzy  and  she  was 
a  wanton  for  De  Marera  to  take  her  genial  glow  to  bed. 

—  This  is  time  for  my  tubble,  reflected  Mr  *  Gladstone 
Browne'  in  the  toll  hut  (it  was  choractoristic  from  that  'man  of 
Delgany').  Dip. 

—  This  is  me  vulcanite  smoking,  profused  Mr  'Bonaparte 
Nolan'  under  the  natecup  (one  feels  how  one  may  hereby  reekig- 
nites  the  'ground  old  mahonagyan').  Dip. 

—  And  this  is  defender  of  defeater  of  defaulter  of  deformer 
of  the  funst  man  in  Danelagh,  willingtoned  in  with  this  glance 
dowon  his  browen  and  that  born  appalled  noodlum  the  panellite 
pair's  cummal  delimitator,  odding:  Oliver  White,  he's  as  tiff  as 
she's  tight.  And  thisens  his  speak  quite  hoarse.  Dip. 

In  reverence  to  her  midgetsy  the  lady  of  the  comeallyous  as 
madgestoo  our  own  one's  goff  stature.  Prosim,  prosit,  to  the 
krk  n  yr  nek  I 

O  rum  it  is  the  chomicalest  thing  how  it  pickles  up  the  punchey 
and  the  jude.  If  you'll  gimmy  your  thing  to  me  I  will  gamey  a  sing 
to  thee.  Stay  where  you're  dummy!  To  get  her  to  go  ther.  He 
banged  the  scoop  and  she  bagged  the  sugar  while  the  whole 
pub's  pobbel  done  a  stare.  On  the  mizzatint  wall.  With  its  chromo 
for  all,  crimm  crimms.  Showing  holdmenag's  asses  sat  by  Allme- 
neck's  men,  canins  to  ride  with  em,  canins  that  lept  at  em,  woollied 
and  flundered. 

So  the  katey's  came  and  the  katey's  game.  As  so  gangs  sludge- 
nose.  And  that  henchwench  what  hopped  it  dunneth  there  duft 
the.  Duras. 

(Silents) 

Yes,  we've  conned  thon  print  in  its  gloss  so  gay  how  it  came 
from  Finndlader's  Yule  to  die  day  and  it's  Hey  Tallaght  Hoe  on 
the  king's  highway  with  his  hounds  on  the  home  at  a  turning. 
To  Donnicoombe  Fairing.  Millikin's  Pass.  When  visiting  at 
Izd-la-Chapelle  taste  the  lipe  of  the  waters  from  Carlowman's  Cup. 

334 


* 


^  

i 


.4^'  AT 


It  tellyhows  its  story  to  their  six  of  hearts,  a  twelve-eyed  man; 
for  whom  has  madjestky  who  since  is  dyed  drown  reign  before 
the  izba. 

Au!  Au!  Aue!  Ha!  Heish!    r^^"'^     r  M?.-e/t7 
As  stage  to  set  by  ritual  rote  for  the  grimm  grimm  tale  of  the 
four  of  hyacinths,  the  deafeeled  carp  and  the  bugler's  dozen  of  l^^-^ 
leagues-in-amour  or  how  Holispolis  went  to  Parkland  with 
mabby  and  sammy  and  sonny  and  sissy  and  mop's  varlet  de 
shambles  and  all  to  find  the  right  place  for  it  by  peep  o'skirt  or     /  . 
pipe  a  skirl  when  the  hundt  called  a  halt  on  the  chivvychace  of     '  ,  ,  ,  / 
^■^1    the  ground  sloper  at  that  ligtning  lovemaker's  thender  apeal  till, 

between  wandering  weather  and  stable  wind,  vastelend  hosteil-  B 
end,  neuziel  and  oltrigger  some,  Bullyclubber  burgherly  shut 
the  rush  in  general.  ' 

Let  us  propel  us  for  the  frey  of  the  fray!  Us,  us,  beraddy !  /  t 

Ko  Niutirenis  hauru  leish!  A  lala!  Ko  Niutirenis  haururu  ^^^^ 
laleish!  Ala  lala!  The  Wullingthund  sturm  is  breaking.  The 
sound  of  maormaoring.  The  Wellingthund  sturm  waxes  fuer- 
cilier.  The  whackawhacks  of  the  sturm.  Katu  te  ihis  ihis !  Katu  ^  ^ 
te  wana  wana!  The  strength  of  the  rawshorn  generand  is  known 
throughout  the  world.  Let  us  say  if  we  may  what  a  weeny 
wukeleen  can  do. 

Au!  Au!  Aue!  Ha!  Heish!  A  lala! 

—  Paud  the  roosky,  weren't  they  all  of  them  then  each  in  his 
different  way  of  saying  calling  on  tha.^e_in  the  same  time 
hibernian  knights  underthaner  that  was  having,  half  for  the  laugh  ^kxi-A  % 

of  the  bliss  it  sint„barbaras  another  doesend  end  once  tale  of  a        '  ^  " 
tublin  wished  on  to  him  with  its  olives  ocolombs  and  its  hills 
owns  ravings  and  Tutty  his  tour  in  his  Nowhare's  yarcht.  It  was 
before  when  Aimee  stood  for  Arthurduke  for  the  figger  in  pro- 
fane and  fell  from  grace  so  madlley  for  fill  the  flatter  fellows. 
(They  were  saying).  And  it  was  the  lang  in  die  shirt  in  the  green 
of  the  wood,  where  obelisk  rises  when  odalisks  fall,  major  threft  \^^^ 
on  the  make  and  jollyjacques  spindthrift  on  the  merry  (O  Mr 
Mathurin,  they  were  calling,  what  a  topheavy  hat  you're  in!  And  '^^^/^^f 
there  aramny  maeud,  then  they  were  saying,  these  so  piou- 


335 


pious!).  And  it  was  cyclums  cyclorums  after  he  made  design  on 
the  corse  and  he  want  to  mess  on  him  (enterellbo  add  all  taller 
Danis),  back,  seater  and  sides,  and  he  applied  (I'm  amazingly 
sorracer!)  the  wholed  bould  shoulderedboy's  width  for  fullness, 
measures  for  messieurs,  messer's  massed,  (they  were  saycalling 
again  and  agone  and  all  over  agun,  the  louthly  meathers,  the 
loudly  meaders,  the  lously  measlers,  six  to  one,  bar  ones). 
And  they  pled  him  beheighten  the  firing.  Dope. 
/^iiJfi^  Maltpmeetim,  alltomatetam,  when  a  tale  tarries  shome  shunter 

shove  on.  Fore  auld  they  wauld  to  pree. 
Pray. 

Of  this  Mr  A  (tillalaric)  and  these  wasch  woman  (dapple- 
hued),  fhronehflord  and  feeofeeds,  who  had  insue  keen  and  able 
and  a  spindlesong  aside,  nothing  more  is  told  until  now,  his 
awebrume  hour,  her  sere  Sahara  of  sad  oakleaves.  And  then.  Be 
old.  The  next  thing  is.  We  are  once  amore  as  babes  awondering 
in  a  wold  made  fresh  where  with  the  hen  in  the  storyaboot  we 
start  from  scratch. 

So  the  truce,  the  old  truce  and  nattonbuff  the  truce,  boys. 
Drouth  is  stronger  than  faction.  Slant.  Shinshin.  Shinshin. 

—  It  was  of  The  Grant,  old  gartener,  qua  golden  meddlist, 
Publius  Manlius,  fuderal  private,  (his  place  is  his  poster,  sure,  they 
said,  and  we're  going  to  mark  it,  sore,  they  said,  with  a  carbon 
caustick  manner)  bequother  the  liberaloider  at  his  petty  corpore- 
lezzo  that  hung  caughtnapping  from  his  baited  breath,  it  was  of 
him,  my  wife  and  I  thinks,  to  feel  to  every  of  the  younging  fruits, 
tenderosed  like  an  atalantic's  breastswells  or,  on  a  second  wreath- 
ing, a  bright  tauth  bight  shimmeryshaking  for  the  welt  of  his 
plow.  And  where  the  peckadillies  at  his  wristsends  meetings  be 
loving  so  lightly  dovessoild  the  candidacy,  me  wipin  eye  sinks, 
of  his  softboiled  bosom  should  be  apparient  even  to  our  illicterate 
of  nullatinenties. 

All  to  which  not  a  lot  snapped  The  Nolan  of  the  Calabashes 
at  his  whilom  eweheart  photognomist  who  by  this  sum  taken 
was  as  much  incensed  by  Saint  Bruno  as  that  what  he  had  con- 
summed  was  his  own  panegoric,  and  wot  a  lout  about  it  if  it  was 

336 


only  a  pippappofF  pigeon  shoot  that  gracesold  getrunner,  the 
man  of  centuries,  was  bowled  out  by  judge,  jury  and  umpire  at 
batman's  biff  like  a  witchbefooled  legate.  Dupe. 

His  almonence  being  alaterelly  in  dispensation  with  his  three 
oldher  patrons'  aid,  providencer's  divine  cow  to  milkfeeding 
mleckman,  bonafacies  to  solafides,  what  matter  what  all  his 
freudzay  or  who  holds  his  hat  to  harm  him,  let  hutch  just  keep 
on  under  at  being  a  vanished  consinent  and  let  annapal  livibel 
prettily  prattle  a  lude  all  her  own.  And  be  that  semeliminal 
salmon  solemonly  angled,  ingate  and  outgate.  A  truce  to  lovecalls, 
dulled  in  warclothes,  maleybags,  things  and  bleakhusen.  Leave 
the  letter  that  never  begins  to  go  find  the  latter  that  ever  comes 
to  end,  written  in  smoke  and  blurred  by  mist  and  signed  of 
solitude,  sealed  at  night. 

Simply.  As  says  the  mug  in  the  middle,  nay  brian  nay  noel, 
ney  billy  ney  boney.  Imagine  twee  cweamy  wosen.  Suppwose 
you  get  a  beautiful  thought  and  cull  them  sylvias  sub  silence. 
Then  inmaggin  a  stotterer.  Suppoutre  him  to  been  one  bigger- 
master  Omnibil.  Then  lustily  (tutu  the  font  and  tritt  on  the  boks- 
woods  like  gay  feeters's  dance)  immengine  up  to  three  longly 
lurking  lobstarts.  Fair  instents  the  Will  Woolsley  Wellaslayers. 
Pet  her,  pink  him,  play  pranks  with  them.  She  will  nod  ampro- 
perly  smile.  He  may  seem  to  appraisiate  it.  They  are  as  piractical 
jukersmen  sure  to  paltipsypote.  Feel  the  wollies  drippeling  out 
of  your  fingathumbs.  Says  to  youssilves  (floweers  have  ears, 
heahear!)  solowly:  So  these  ease  Budlim!  How  do,  dainty  dau- 
limbs.^  So  peached  to  pick  on  you  in  this  way,  prue  and  simple, 
pritt  and  spry!  Heyday  too,  Malster  Faunagon,  and  hopes  your 
hahititahiti  licks  the  mankey  nuts!  And  oodlum  hoodlum  dood- 
lum  to  yes,  Donn,  Teague  and  Hurleg,  who  the  bullocks  brought 
you  here  and  how  the  hillocks  are  ye.'* 

We  want  Bud.  We  want  Bud  Budderly.  We  want  Bud  Budderly 
boddily.  There  he  is  in  his  Borrisalooner.  The  man  that  shunned 
the  rucks  on  Gereland.  The  man  thut  won  the  bettUe  of  the 
bawll.  Order,  order,  order,  order!  And  tough.  We  call  on  Tan- 
cred  Artaxerxes  Flavin  to  compeer  with  Barnabas  Ulick  Dunne. 

337 


Order,  order,  order!  Milster  Malster  in  the  chair.  We've  heard  it 

( 

^'  sinse  sung  thousandtimes.  How  Burghley  shuck  the  rackushant 

Germanon.  For  Ehren^  boys,  gobrawl!      ^  ^^^T  J^ft^^r 

A  public  plouse.  C  itizen  soldiers.    ^  -«  ,  ^  ^ 

TAFF  (a  smaTt  hoy^  of  the  peat  freers^  thirty  two  eleven^  looking 
through  the  roof  towards  a  relevution  of  the  karmalife  order  privious 
^^v^    to  his  hoisting  of  an  emergency  umber olum  in  hyway  of paraguastical 
solation  to  the  rhyttel  in  his  hedd).  All  was  flashing  and  krashning 
Qj^"^^^  biurty  moriartsky  blutcherudd.'^  What  see,  buttywalch.'^  Tell  ever 

yr^^  so  often  .'^ 

BUTT  {mottledged  youthy  clergical  appealance^  who,  as  his  pied 
friary  is  supposing  to  motto  the  sorry  dejester  in  tifftaff  toffiness  or 
to  he  digarced  from  ever  and  a  daye  in  his  accounts^.  But  da.  But 
dada,  mwilshsuni.  Till  even  so  aften.  Sea  vaast  a  pool! 

TAFF  {porumptly  helping  himself  out  by  the  cesspull  with  a  yellup 
yurrupy  puts  up  his  furry  furied  hare).  Butly  bitly!  Humme  to  our 
mounthings.  Conscribe  him  tillusk,  unt,  in  his  jubalant  tubalence, 
the  groundsapper,  with  his  soilday  site  out  on  his  moulday  side 
^  in.  The  gubernier-gerenal  in  laut-lievtonant  of  Baltiskeeamore, 

~^ '  amaltheouse  for  leporty  hole!  Endues  paramilintary  langdwage. 

The  saillils  of  the  yellavs  nocadont  palignol  urdlesh.  Shelltoss 
and  welltass  and  telltuss  aghom!  Sling  Stranaslang,  how  Malo- 
razzias  spikes  her,  coining  a  speak  a  spake!  Not  the  Setanik  stuff 
that  slimed  soft  Siranouche!  The  good  old  gunshop  monowards 
for  manosymples.  Tincurs  tammit!  They  did  oak  hay  doe  fou 
Chang-li-meng  when  that  man  d'airain  was  big  top  tom  saw  tip 
side  bum  boss  pageantfiller.  Ajaculate!  All  lea  light!  Rassamble 
the  glowrings  of  Bruyant  the  Bref  when  the  Mollies  Makehal- 
pence  took  his  leg  for  his  thumb.  And  may  he  be  too  an  intrepida- 
tion  of  our  dreams  which  we  foregot  at  wiking  when  the  morn 
hath  razed  out  limpalove  and  the  bleakfrost  chilled  our  ravery! 
Pook.  Sing  ching  lew  mang!  Upgo,  bobbycop!  Lets  hear  in 
remember  the  braise  of.  Hold! 

BUTT  {drawling  forth  from  his  blousom  whereis  meditabound  of 
his  minkerstaryy  switches  on  his  gorsecopper  s  fling  weitoheito  long- 
thorny  fed  up  the  grain  oils  of  Aerin,  while  his  laugh  neighs  banck  as 

338 


tAat  flashermind' s  rays  and  his  Rpponease  longuewedge  wambles). 
Ullahbluh!  Sehyoh  narar,  pokehole  sann!  Manhead  very  dirty  by 
am  anoyato.  Like  old  Dolldy  Icon  when  he  cooked  up  his  iggs 
in  bicon.  He  gatovit  and  me  gotafit  and  Oalgoak's  Cheloven  gut 
a  fudden.  Povar  old  pitschobed!  Molodezrious  of  metchennacht 
belaburt  that  pentschmyaso  I  Bog  carsse  and  dam  neat,  sar,  gam 
cant!  Limbers  affront  of  him,  lumbers  behund.  While  the  bucks 
bite  his  dos  his  hart  bides  the  ros  till  the  bounds  of  his  bays  bell 
the  warning.  Sobaiter  sobarkar.  He  was  enmiyallupped.  Chro- 
mean  fastion.  With  all  his  cannoball  wappents.  In  his  raglanrock 
and  his  malakoiffed  b^ulbsbyg  and  his  varnashed  roscians  and  his 
cardigans  blousejagged  and  his  scarlett  manchokuffs  and  his  tree- 
coloured  camiflag  and  his  perikopendolous  gaelstorms.  Here 
weeks  hire  pulchers!  Obriania's  beromst!  From  Karrs  and 
Polikoff's,  the  men's  confessioners.  Seval  shimars  pleasant 
time  payings.  Mousoumeselles  buckwoulds  look.  Tenter  and 
likelings.  f  y  v 

TAFF  (all  Perssiasterssias  shookatnaratatattar  at  his  waggon- 
horchers^  his  bulgeglarying  star  gapers  ranledanlingly  full  of  eyes^  ^  j 
full  of  balls  y  full  of  holes^  full  of  buttons^  full  of stains  ^  full  of  medals  ^  ?   ? '  ^ 
full  of  blickblackblobs).  Grozarktic!  Toadlebens!  Some  garment-  / 
guy!  Insects  appalling,  low  hum  clang  sin!  A  cheap  decoy!  Too 
deep  destroy!  Say  mangraphique,  may  say  nay  por  daguerre!  \ 

BUTT  (if  that  he  hids  foregodden  has  nate  of  glo:^ery  farused  ameet 
theflorahs  of  thefpllest^  his  spent  fish's  livid  smile  giving  allasundery 
the  bumfit  of  the  doped).  Come  alleyou  jupes  of  Wymmingtown 
that  graze  the  calves  of  Man!  A  bear  raigning  in  his  heavenspawn 
consomation  robes.  Rent,  outraged,  yewleaved,  grained,  bal-  - 
looned,  hindergored  and  voluant!  Erminia's  capecloaked  hoo-  V 
doodman!  First  he  s  s  st  steppes.  Then  he  st  stoo  stoopt.  Lookt.  ' 

TAFF  {strick  struck  strangling  like  aleal  lusky  Lubliner  to  merum- 
her  by  the  cycl  of  the  cruise  who  strungled  Attahilloupa  with  what 
empoisoned  El  Monte  de  Zuma  and  failing  wilnaynilnay  that  he 
was  pallups  barn  in  the  minkst  of  the  Krumlin  hefodt  he  was  pop- 
soused  into  the  monkst  of  the  vatercan^  makes  the  holypolygon  of 
„<?/?f„l4lJJ-.^^^-y'^^/^^r,  a  little  farther,  a  little  soon^  a  lettera- 
339 


cettera^  oukraydoubray).  Scutterer  of  guld,  he  is  retourious  on 
every  roudery!  The  lyewdsky  so  so  sewn  of  a  fitchid!  With  his 
walshbrushup.  And  his  boney  bogey  braggs. 

BUTT  {after  his  tongues  in  his  cheeks^  with  pinkpoker  pointing 
out  in  rutene  to  impassible  abjects  beyond  the  mistomist  towards 
Lissnaluhy  such  as  the  Djublian  Alps  and  the  Hoofd  Ribeiro  as 
where  he  and  his  trulock  may  ever  make  a  game).  The  field  of 
karhags  and  that  bloasted  tree.  Forget  not  the  felled!  For  the 
lomondations  of  Oghrem!  Warful  doon*s  bothem.  Here  furry 
glunn.  Nye?  Their  feery  pass.  Tak!  With  guerillaman  aspear 
aspoor  to  prink  the  pranks  of  primkissies.  And  the  buddies  be- 
hide  in  the  byre.  Allahblah  I 

TAFF  (a  blackseer^  he  s troves  to  regulect  all  the  straggles  for  wife 
in  the  rut  of  the  past  through  the  widnows  in  effigies  keening  after  the 
blank  sheets  in  their  faminy  to  the  relix  of  old  decency  from  over 
draught).  Oh  day  of  rath!  Ah,  murther  of  mines!  Eh,  selo  moy! 
Uh,  Zulu  luy!  Bernesson  Mac  Mahahon  from  Osro  bearing  nose 
easger  for  sweeth  prolettas  on  his  swooth  prowl! 

BUTT  {back  to  his  peatrol  and paump:  swee  Gees  wee  rest:  no 
more  applehooley:  dodewodedook).  Bruinoboroff,  the  hooney- 
moonger,  and  the  grizzliest  manmichal  in  Meideveide!  Whose 
annal  livves  the  hoiest!  For  he  devoused  the  lelias  on  the  fined 
and  he  conforted  samp,  tramp  and  marchint  out  of  the  drumbume 
of  a  narse.  Guards,  serf  Finnland,  serve  we  all ! 

TAFF  {whatwidth  the  psychophannies  at  the  front  and  whetwadth 
the  psuckofumbers  beholden  the  fair ^  Ulcer tain^  between  his  bulchri- 
chudes  and  the  roshashanaral^  where  he  sees  Bishop  Ribboncake  plus 
his  pollex  priced  going  forth  on  his  visitations  of  mirrage  or  Miss 
Hori^onj  justso  all  our  fannacies  daintied  her^  on  the  curve  of  the 
camber^  unsheathing  a  showlaced  limbaloft  to  the  great  consternations). 
Divulge!  Hyededye,  kittyls,  and  howdeddoh,  pan!  Poshbott  and 
pulbuties.  See  that  we  soli  or  let  dargman  be  luna  as  strait  a  way 
as  your  ant's  folly  me  line  while  ye  post  is  goang  from  Piping 
Pubwirth  to  Haunted  Hillborough  on  his  Mujiksy's  Zaravence, 
the  Riss,  the  Ross,  the  sur  of  all  Russers,  as  my  farst  is  near  to 
hear  and  my  sackend  is  meet  to  sedon  while  my  whole's  a  peer's 

340 


i 


aureolies.  We  should  say  you  dones  the  polecad.  Bang  on  the 
booche,  gurg  in  the  gorge,  rap  on  the  roof  and  your  flup  is  unbu... 

BUTT  (at  the  signal  of  his  act  which  seems  to  sharpnel  his 
irmermals  menody^  playing  the  spool  of  the  little  brown  jog  round  the 
wheel  of  her  whang  goes  the  millner).  Buckily  buckily,  blodestained 
boyne!  Bimbambombumb.  His  snapper  was  shot  in  the  Rumjar  c/vvwv^A-<j^ 
Journaral.  Why  the  gigls  he  lubbed  beeyed  him. 

TAFF  (obliges  with  a  two  stopyogacoga  sumphoiyon  the  bones  for  ivory 
girl  and  ebony  boy),  The^balacleivka !  Trovatarovitch !  I  trumble! 

BUTT  (with  the  sickle  of  a  scygthe  but  the  humour  of  a  hummer  ^  0, 
howorodies  through  his  cholaroguled^  fumfing  to  a  fullfrength  with 
this  wallowing  olfact).  Mortar  martar  tartar  wartar!  May  his 
boules  grow  wider  so  his  skittles  gets  worse!  The  aged  monad  '■.o  '  .J 
making  a  venture  out  of  the  murder  of  investment.  I  seen  him 
acting  surgent  what  betwinks  the  scimitar  star  and  the  ashen 
moon.  By  their  lights  shalthow  throw  him!  Piff  paff  for  puffpufF 
and  my  pife  for  his  cgar!  The  mlachy  way  for  gambling. 

\Up  to  this  curkscraw  bind  an  admirable  verbivocovisual pre- 
sentment of  the  worldrenownced  Caerholme  Event  has  been  being 
given  by  The  Irish  Race  and  World.  The  huddled  and  aliven  stable- 
crashers  have  shared  fleetfooted  enthusiasm  with  the  paddocks 
dare  and  ditches  tare  while  the  mews  was  combing  ground,  Hippo- 
hopparray  helioscope  flashed  winsor  places  as  the  gates  might  see, 
Meusdeus!  That  was  (with  burning  briar)  Mr  Twomass  Noho- 
holan  for  their  common  contribe  satisfunction  in  the  purports  of 
amusedment  telling  the  Verily  Roverend  Father  Epiphanes 
shrines hriver  of  Saint  DhorougK s  (in  browne  bomler)  how 
(assuary  as  there  s  a  bonum  in  your  osstheology!)  Backlegs 
shirked  the  racing  kenneldar.  The  saintly  scholar  is  t's  roastering 
guffalawd  of  nupersaturals  holler  at  this  metanoic  excomologosis 
tells  oj  the  chestnut  s  (once  again^  Wittyngtom!)  absolutionally 
romptyhompty  successfulness.  A  lot  of  lasses  and  lads  without 
damas  or  dads^  but  fresh  and  blued  with  collecting  boxes.  One 
aught  spare  ones  trifle ts^  to  be  shut:  it  is  Coppingers  for  the 
children.  Slippery  Sam  hard  by  them^  physically  present  how- 

341 


somedever  morally  absent^  was  slooching  about  in  his  knavish 
diamonds  asking  GmaXy  Knox  and  the  Dmuggies  (a  pinnance  for 
your  toughts^  turffers/)  to  deck  the  ace  of  duds,  Tomtinker  Tim^ 
howbeity  his  unremitting  retainer^  {the  seers  are  the  seers  of 
Samael  but  the  heers  are  the  heers  of  Timoth)  is  in  Booker  s 
Gloom,  soalken  steady  in  his  sulken  tents.  Baldawl  the  curse, 
baledale  the  day!  And  the  frocks  of  shick  sheeples  in  their  shum- 
mering  insamples!  You  see:  a  chiefsmith,  semperal  scandal 
stinkmakers^  a  middinest  from  the  Casablanca  and^  of  course^ 
Mr  Fry.  Harass!  Pardon  the  inquisition^  causas  es  quostas?  It 
is  Da  Valorem* s  Dominical  Brayers.  Why  coif  that  weird  hood? 
Because  among  nosoever  circusdances  is  to  be  apprehended  the 
dustungwashed  poltronage  of  the  lost  Gabbarnaur-Jaggarnath. 
Pamjab!  Gross  Jumpiter^  whud  was  thud?  Luckluckluckluck- 
luckluckluck!  It  is  the  Thousand  to  One  Guinea-Gooseberry  s 
Lipperfull  Slipver  Cup.  Hold  hard,  ridesiddle  titelittle  Pitsy 
Riley!  Gurragrunch,  gurragrunch!  They  are  at  the  turn  of  the 
fourth  of  the  hurdles.  By  the  hross  of  Xristos^  Holophullopopu- 
lace  is  a  shote  of  excramation!  Bumchub!  Emancipator,  the 
Creman  hunter  {Major  Her  my n  C.  Entwhistle)  with  dramatic 
effect  reproducing  the  form  of  famous  sires  on  the  scene  of  the 
formers  triumphs^  is  showing  the  eagle's  way  to  Mr  JVhayte- 
haytes  three  buy  geldings  Homo  Made  Ink,  Bailey  Beacon 
and  Ratatuohy  while  Furstin  II  and  The  Other  Girl  {Mrs 
'Boss*  Waters^  Leavybrink)  too  early  spring  dabbles^  are  showing 
a  clean  pairofhids  to  Immensipater.  Sinkathinks  to  oppen  here! 
To  this  virgins  tuft^  on  this  golden  of  evens!  I  never  sought  of 
sinkathink.  Our  lorkmakor  he  is  proformly  annuysed.  He  is 
shinkly  thinkly  shaking  in  his  schayns.  Sat  will  be  off follteedee. 
This  ^ejj^reme  has  being  efferedyou  by  Bett  and  Tipp.  Tipp  and 
Bett,  our  swapstick  quackchancers^  in  From  Topphole  to  Bot- 
tom o/The  Irish  Race  and  World.] 

TAFF  {awary  that  the  first  sports  report  of  Loundin  Reginald 
has  now  been  after  thoughtfully  colliberated  by  a  saggind  spurts 
flash,  takes  the  dipperend  direction  and^  for  tasing  the  tiomor  of 

342 


y 


malaise  after  the  pognency  of  orangultoniay  orients  by  way  of  Sagit- 
tarius towards  Draco  on  the  Lour),  And  you  collier  carsst  on  him, 
the  corsar,  with  Boyle,  Burke  and  Campbell,  I'll  gogemble  on 
strangbones  tomb.  You  had  just  been  cerberating  a  camp  camp 
camp  to  Saint  Sepulchre's  march  through  the  armeemonds  re- 
treat with  the  boys  all  marshalled,  scattering  giant's  hail  over  the 
curseway,  fellowed  along  the  rout  by  the  stenchions  of  the 
corpse.  Tell  the  coldspell's  terroth!  If  you  please,  commeylad! 
Perfedes  Albionias!  Think  some  ingain  think,  as  Teakortairer 
sate  over  the  Galwegian  caftan  forewhen  Orops  and  Aasas  were 
chooldrengs  and  micramacrees !  A  forward  movement,  Miles  na 
Bogaleen,  and  despatch! 

BUTT  {slinking  his  coatsleeves  surdout  over  his  squad  mutton 
shoulder  so  as  to  loop  more  life  the  jauntlyman  as  he  scents  the 
^^SS^^B^^  y^P  behound  their  whole  scoopchinas  desperate  noy's 
totalage  and  explaining  aposteriorly  how  awstooloo  was  valde- 
somhre  helowes  hero  and  he  was  in  a  greak  esthate  phophiar  an 
erixtion  on  the  soseptuple  side  of  him  made  spoil  apriori  his  popo- 
porportiums).  Yass,  zotnyzor,  I  don't  think  I  did  not,  pojr.  Never 
you  brother  me  for  I  scout  it,  think  you !  Ichts  nichts  on  nichts ! 
Creates  Schtschuptar !  Me  fol  the  rawlawdy  in  the  schpirrt  of  a 
schkrepz.  Of  all  the  quirasses  and  all  the  qwehrmin  in  the  tra- 
gedoes  of  those  antiants  their  grandoper,  that  soun  of  a  gun- 
nong,  with  his  sabaothsopolettes,  smooking  his  scandleloose  at 
botthends  of  him!  Foinn  duhans!  I  grandthinked  after  his  obras 
after  another  time  about  the  itch  in  his  egondoom  he  was  legging 
boldylugged  from  some  pulversporochs  and  lyoking  for  a  stool- 
eazy  for  to  nemesisplotsch  allafranka  and  for  to  salubrate  himself 
with  an  ultradungs  heavenly  mass  at  his  base  by  a  suprime  pomp- 
ship  chorams  the  perished  popes,  the  reverend  and  allaverred 
cromlecks,  and  when  I  heard  his  lewdbrogue  reciping  his  cheap 
cheateary  gospeds  to  sintry  and  santry  and  sentry  and  suntry  I 
thought  he  was  only  haftara  having  afterhis  brokeforths  but  be 
the  homely  Churopodvas  I  no  sooner  seen  aghist  of  his  frighte- 
ousness  then  I  was  bibbering  with  vear  a  few  versets  off  fooling  for 
fjorg  for  my  fifth  foot.  Of  manifest  'tis  obedience  and  the.  Flute! 

343 


TAFF  {though  the  unglucksarsoon  is  giming  for  to  git  him^  jotning 
in,  hoghly  ligious,  hapagodlap,  like  a  soldierry  sap,  with  a  pique  at 
his  cue  and  a  tyr  in  his  eye  and  a  bond  of  his  back  and  a  croak  in  his 
cry  as  did  jolly  well  harm  lean  o'er  him)  Is  not  athug  who  would. 
Weepon,  weeponder,  song  of  sorrowmon!  Which  goatheye 
and  sheepskeer  they  damnty  well  know.  Papaist!  Gambanman! 
Take  the  cawraidd's  blow!  Yia!  Your  partridge's  last! 

BUTT  {giving  his  scimmianised  twinge  in  acknuckledownedgment 
of  this  cumulikick,  strafe  from  the  firetrench,  studenly  drobs  led,  sa- 
toniseels  ouchyotchy,  he  changecors  induniforms  as  he  is  lefting  the 
gat  out  of  the  big:  his  face  glows  green,  his  hair  greys  white,  his 
hleyes  bcome  broon  to  suite  his  cultic  twalette).  But  when  I  seeing 
him  in  his  oneship  fetch  along  within  hail  that  tourrible  tall 
with  his  nitshnykopfgoknob  and  attempting  like  a  brandylogged 
rudeman  cathargic,  lugging  up  and  laiding  down  his  livepelts 
so  cruschinly  like  Mebbuck  at  Messar  and  expousing  his  old 
skinful  self  tailtottom  by  manurevring  in  open  ordure  to  renew- 
murature  with  the  cowruads  in  their  airish  pleasantry  I  thanked 
he  was  recovering  breadth  from  some  herdsquatters  beyond  the 
carcasses  and  I  couldn't  erver  nerver  to  tell  a  Hard  story  not  of  I 
knew  the  prize  if  from  lead  or  alimoney.  But  when  I  got  inoccu- 
pation of  a  full  new  of  his  old  basemiddelism,  in  ackshan,  pagne 
pogne,  by  the  veereyed  lights  of  the  stormtrooping  clouds  and 
in  the  sheenfiare  of  the  batdeaxes  of  the  heroim  and  mid  die 
shieldfails  awail  of  the  bitteraccents  of  the  sorafim  and  caught  the 
pfierce  tsmell  of  his  aurals,  orankastank,  a  suphead  setrapped, 
like  Peder  the  Greste,  altipaltar,  my  bill  it  forsooks  allegiance 
(gut  bull  it!)  and,  no  lie  is  this,  I  was  babbeing  and  yetaghain 
bubbering,  bibbelboy,  me  marrues  me  shkewers  me  gnaas  me 
fiet,  tob  tob  tob  beat  it,  solongopatom.  Clummensy  if  ever  mis- 
used, must  used  you's  now!  But,  meac  Coolp,  Arram  of  Eirze- 
rum,  as  I  love  our  Deer  Dirouchy,  I  confesses  withould  pride- 
jealice  when  I  looked  upon  the  Saur  of  all  the  Haurousians  with 
die  weight  of  his  arge  fullin  upon  him  from  the  travaillings  of 
his  tommuck  and  rueckenased  the  fates  of  a  bosser  there  was  fear 
on  me  the  sons  of  Nuad  for  him  and  it  was  heavy  he  was  for  me 

344 


II 


I 


then  the  way  I  immingled  my  Irmenial  hairmaierians  ammon- 
gled  his  Gospolis  fomiliours  till,  achaura  moucreas,  I  adn't  the 
arts  to. 

TAFF  (as  a  marrcr  off  act,  prepensing  how  such  waldmanns  from 
Burnias  seduced  country  clowns^  he  is  preposing  harangaparang 
after  going  knowing  what  he  is  doing  after  to  see  him  pluggy  well 
moidered  as  a  murder  effect^  you  bet  your  hlowie  knife^  before  he 
doie  soie^  sopprused  though  he  is)  Grot  Zot!  You  hidn't  the  hurts? 
Vott  Fonn ! 

BUTT  {hearing  somrother  sudly  give  twor three  peevish  sniff  snuff 
snoores  like  govalise  falseleep  he  waitawhishts  to  see  might  he  stirs 
and  then  goes  on  kuldrum  like  without  asking  for  pepeace  or  anysing 
a  soul).  Merzmard!  I  met  with  whom  it  was  too  late.  My  fate!  O 
hate!  Fairwail!  Fearwealing  of  the  groan!  And  think  of  that 
when  you  smugs  to  bagot. 

TAFF  (who  meanwhilome  at  yarns  length  so  as  to  put  a  nodje 
in  the  poestcher^  by  wile  of  stoccan  his  hand  and  of  rooma  makin 
her  getting  umptyums  gatherumed  off  the  skattert^  had  been  lavish- 
ing^ lagan  on  lighthouse^  words  of  silent  power^  susu  glouglou  biri- 
biri  gongoSj  upon  the  repleted  speechsalver  ^s  innkeeping  right  which^ 
thanks  giveme  and  naperied  norms  nonobstaclant,  there  can  be  little 
doubt y  have  resulted  in  a  momstchance  ministring  of  another  guid- 
ness,  my  good^  to  see)  Bompromifazzio !  Shumpum  for  Pa-li-di 
and  oukosouso  for  the  nipper  dandy!  Trink  off  this  scup  and  be 
bladdy  orafferteed !  To  bug  at? 

BUTT  (he  whipedoff's  his  chimbley  phot^  as  lips  lovecurling  to  the 
tongueopener ^  he  takecups  the  communion  of  sense  at  the  hands  of 
the  foregiver  of  trosstpassers  and  thereinofter  centelinnates  that 
potifex  miximhost  with  haruspical  hospedariaty  proferring  into  his 
pauses  somewhot  salt  bacon),  Theres  scares  knud  in  this  gnarld 
warld  a  fully  so  svend  as  dilates  for  the  improvement  of  our 
foerses  of  nature  by  your  very  ample  solvent  of  referacting  upon 
me  like  is  boesen  fiennd. 

\The  other  foregotthened  abbosed  in  the  Mullingaria  are 
during  this  swishingsight  teilweisioned.  How  the  fictionable  world 

345 


in  Fruiian  Creamtartery  is  loading  off  heavy  furses  and  affubling 
themselves  with  muc kins  tushes.  The  neatschknee  Novgolosh.  How 
the  spinach  ruddocks  are  being  tatoovatted  up  for  the  second 
comings  of  antigreenst.  Hehencros  for  Aromal  Peace.  How 
Alibey  Ibrahim  wisheths  Bella  Suora  to  a  holy  cryptmahs  while 
the  Arumbian  Knives  Riders  axecutes  devilances  round  the 
jehumispheure.  Learn  the  Nunsturk,  How  Old  Vales  beys  is 
making  reholutions  for  the  cunning  New  Yirls,  never  elding^ 
still  begiddingj  never  to  mate  to  lend^  never  to  ate  selleries  and 
never  to  add  soulleries  and  never  to  ant  sulleries  and  never  to  aid 
sillcries  with  sucharow  with  sotchyouroff  as  Burkeleys  Show's 
a  ructiongetherall.  Phone  for  Phineal  toomellow  aftermorn  and 
your  phumeraVs  a  roselixion.] 

TAFF  (now  as  he  has  been  past  the  buckthurnstock  from  Peadhar 
Piper  of  Colliguchuna^  whiles  they  all  are  bealting  pots  to  dubrin 
din  for  old  daddam  dombstom  to  tomb  and  wamb  humbs  lumbs 
agamb^  glimpse  agam^  glance  agen^  rise  up  road  and  hive  up  hill^ 
and  find  your  pollyvoulley  foncey  pitchin  ingles  in  the  parler).  Since 
you  are  on  for  versingrhetorish  say  your  piece!  How  Buccleuch 
shocked  the  rosing  girnirilles.  A  ballet  of  Gasty  Power.  A  hov 
and  az  ov  and  off  like  a  gow!  And  don't  live  out  the  sad  of  tearfs, 
piddyawhick!  Not  offgott  affsang  is  you,  buthbach?  Ath  yet- 
heredayth  noth  endeth,  hay?  Vaersegood!  Buckle  to!  Sayyessik, 
Ballygarry.  The  fourscore  soculums  are  watchyoumaycodding 
to  cooll  the  skoopgoods  blooff.  Harkabuddy,  feign!  Tliingman 
placeyear  howed  wholst  somwom  shimwhir  tinkledinkledelled. 
Shinfine  deed  in  the  myrtle  of  the  bog  tway  fainmain  stod  op  to 
slog,  free  bond  men  lay  lurkin  on.  Tuan  about  whattinghim! 
Fore  sneezturmdrappen !  'Twill  be  a  rpnice  pscliange,  arrah,  sir.'^ 
Can  you  come  it,  budd? 

BUTT  (who  in  the  cushlows  of  his  goods  for  seeking  hoarth^  ever 
fondlinger  of  his  pimple  spurk^  is  a  niallist  of  the  ninth  homestages^ 
the  babybell  in  his  baggutstract  upper  going  off  allatwanst,  begad, 
lest  he  should  challenge  himself  beygoad,  till  angush).  Horrasure, 
toff!  As  said  as  would.  It  was  Colporal  Phailinx  first.  Hittit  was 

346 


I 


I 


i 


of  another  time,  a  white  horsday  where  the  midril  met  the  bulg, 
sbogom,  roughnow  along  about  the  first  equinarx  in  the  cholon- 
der,  on  the  plain  of  Khorason  as  thou  goest  from  the  mount  of 
Bekel,  Steep  Nemorn,  elve  hundred  and  therety  and  to  years 
how  the  krow  flees  end  in  deed,  after  a  power  of  skimiskes, 
blodidens  and  godinats  of  them,  when  we  sight  the  beasts,  (heg- 
heg  whatlk  of  wraimy  wetter!),  moist  moonful  date  man  aver 
held  dimsdzey  death  with,  and  higheye  was  in  the  Reilly  Oirish 
Krzerszonese  Milesia  asundurst  Sirdarthar  Woolwichleagues, 
good  tomkeys  years  somewhile  in  Crimealian  wall  samewhere 
in  Ayerland,  during  me  weeping  stillstumms  over  the  freshprosts 
of  Eastchept  and  the  dangling  garters  of  Marrowbone  and  daring 
my  wapping  stiltstunts  on  Bostion  Moss,  old  stile  and  new  style 
and  heave  a  lep  onwards.  And  winn  again,  blaguadargoos,  or 
lues  the  day,  plays  goat,  the  banshee  pealer,  if  moskats  knows 
whoss  whizz,  the  great  day  and  the  druidful  day  come  San 
Patrisky  and  the  grand  day,  the  excellent  fine  splendorous  long 
agreeable  toastworthy  cylindrical  day,  go  Sixt  of  the  Ninth,  the 
heptahundread  annam  dammias  that  Hajizfijjiz  ells  me  is  and 
will  and  was  be  till  the  timelag  is  in  it  that's  told  in  the  Bok  of 
Alam  to  columnkill  all  the  prefacies  of  Erin  gone  brugk.  But 
Icantenue.  And  incommixtion.  We  was  lowsome  like  till  we'd 
took  out  after  the  dead  beats.  So  I  begin  to  study  and  I  soon 
show  them  day's  reasons  how  to  give  the  cold  shake  to  they 
blighty  perishers  and  lay  one  over  the  beats.  All  feller  he  look 
he  call  all  feller  come  longa  villa  finish.  Toumbalo,  how  was 
I  acclapadad!  From  them  banjopeddlars  on  the  raid.  Gidding 
up  me  anti  vanillas  and  getting  off  the  stissas  me  aunties. 
Boxerising  and  coxerusing.  And  swiping  a  johnny  dann 
sweept  for  to  exercitise  myself  neverwithstanding  the  topkats 
and  his  roaming  cartridges,  orussheying  and  patronning,  out 
all  over  Crummwiliam  wall.  Be  the  why  it  was  me  who  haw 
haw. 

TAFF  {all  for  letting  his  tinder  and  lighting  be  put  to  beheiss  in 
the  feuer  and^  while  durblinly  obasiant  to  the  felicias  of  the  skivis, 
still  smolking  his  fulvurite  turfkish  in  the  rooking  pressance  of 

347 


laddios),  Yaa  hoo  how  how,  col?  Whom  battles  joined  no  bottles 
sever!  Worn't  you  aid  a  comp? 

BUTT  (in  his  difficoltous  tresdobremient^  he  feels  a  bitvalike  a 
baddlefall  of  staot  but  falls  a  batforlake  a  borrlefull  of  bare).  And 
me  awlphul  omegrims!  Between  me  rassociations  in  the  postlea- 
deny  past  and  me  disconnections  with  aplompervious  futules 
I've  a  boodle  full  of  maimeries  in  me  buzzim  and  medears  runs 
sloze,  bleime,  as  I  now  with  platoonic  leave  recoil  in  (how  the 
thickens  they  come  back  to  one  to  rust!)  me  misenary  post  for 
all  them  old  boyars  that's  now  boomaringing  in  waulholler,  me 
alma  marthyrs.  I  dring  to  them,  bycorn  spirits  fuselaiding,  and 
you  cullies  adjutant,  even  where  its  contentsed  wody,  with 
absents  wehrmuth.  Junglemen  in  agleement,  I  give  thee  our 
greatly  swooren,  Theoccupant  that  Rueandredful,  the  thrown- 
fullvner  and  all  our  royal  devouts  with  the  arrest  of  the  whole 
inhibitance  of  Neuilands !  One  brief  mouth.  And  a  velligoolap- 
now !  Meould  attashees  the  currgans,  (if  they  could  get  a  kick  at 
this  time  for  all  that's  hapenced  to  us!)  Cedric  said  Gormleyson 
and  Danno  O'Dunnochoo  and  Conno  O'Cannochar  it  is  this 
were  their  names  for  we  were  all  under  that  manner  barracksers 
on  Kong  Gores  Wood  together,  thurkmen  three,  with  those 
khakireinettes,  our  miladies  in  their  toileries,  the  twum  plum- 
yumnietcies,  Vjeras  Vjenaskayas,  of  old  Djadja  Uncken  who 
was  a  great  mark  for  jinking  and  junking,  up  the  palposes  of 
womth  and  wamth,  we  war,  and  the  charme  of  their  lyse  brocade. 
For  lispias  harth  a  burm  in  eye  but  whem  it  bames  fire  norone 
screeneth.  Hulp,  hulp,  huzzars!  Raise  ras  tryracy!  Freetime's 
free!  Up  Lancesters!  Anathem! 

TAFF  (who  still  senses  that  heavinscent  houroines  that  enter- 
trained  him  who  they  were  sinuorivals  from  the  sunny  Espionia  but 
plied  wopsy  with  his  wallets  in  thatthack  of  the  bustle  Bakerloo^ 
(11.32),  passing  the  uninational  truthbosh  in  smoothing  irony  over 
the  multinotcher ailed  infructuosities  of  his  grinner  set).  The  rib,  ^ 
the  rib,  die  quean  of  oldbyrdes,  Sinya  Sonyavitches!  Your 
Rhoda  Cockardes  that  are  raday  to  embrace  our  ruddy  inflamtry 
world!  In  their  ohosililesvienne  biribarbebeway.  Till  they've 

348 


kinks  in  their  tringers  and  boils  on  their  taws.  Whor  dor  the  pene 
lie,  Mer  Pencho?  1st  dramhead  countmortial  or  gonorrhal  stab? 
Mind  your  pughs  and  keaoghs,  if  you  piggots,  marsh!  Do  the 
nut,  dingbut!  Be  a  dag!  For  zahur  and  zimmerminnes!  Sing  in 
the  chorias  to  the  ethur: 

[In  the  heliotropical  noughttime  following  a  fade  of  trans- 
formed Tuff  and,  pending  its  viseversion,  a  metenergic  reglow 
of  beaming  Batt,  the  hairdhoard  bombardment  screen,  if  taste- 
fully taut  guranium  satin,  tends  to  teleframe  and  step  up  to 
the  charge  of  a  light  barricade.  Down  the  photoslope  in  syncopanc 
pulses,  with  the  bitts  bugtwug  their  teffs,  the  missledhropes, 
glitter aglatteraglutt,  borne  by  their  carnier  waive.  Spraygun 
rakes  and  splits  them  from  a  double  focus:  grenadite,  damny- 
mite,  alextronite,  nichilite:  and  the  scanning  firespot  of  the 
sgunners  traverses  the  rutilanced  illustred  sunksundered  lines. 
Shlosshf  A  gaspel  truce  leaks  out  over  the  caeseine  coatings. 
Amid  a  fluorescence  of  spectracular  mephiticism  there  caoculates 
through  the  inconoscope  stealdily  a  still,  the  figure  of  a  fellow- 
chap  in  the  wohly  ghast,  Popey  O' Donos hough,  the  jesuneral 
of  the  russuates.  The  idolon  exhibisces  the  seals  of  his  orders: 
the  starre  of  the  Son  of  Heaven,  the  girtel  of  I-^odella  the  Calot- 
tica,  the  cross  of  Michelides  Apaleogos,  the  latchet  of  Jan  of 
Nepomuk,  the  puffpuff  and  pompom  of  Powther  and  Pall,  the 
great  belt,  hand  and  bucklings  of  the  Martyrology  of  Gorman. 
It  is  for  the  castomercies  mudwake  surveice.  The  victar.  Pleace 
to  notnoys  speech  above  your  dreadths,  please  to  doughboys.  Hll, 
smthngs  gnwrng  wthth  sprsnwtch!  He  blanks  his  oggles  because 
he  confesses  to  all  his  tellavicious  nieces.  He  blocks  his  nosoes  be- 
cause that  he  confesses  to  everywheres  he  was  always  putting  up  his 
latest  faengers.  He  wollops  his  mouther  with  a  sword  of  tusk  in  as 
because  that  he  confesses  how  opten  he  used  be  obening  her  howonton 
he  used  be  under ing  her.  He  boundles  alltogotter  his  manucupes 
with  his  pedarrests  in  asmuch  as  because  that  he  confesses  before 
all  his  handcomplishies  and  behind  all  his  comfoderacies.  And 
Qiereis  cant  came  back  saying  he  codant  steal  no  lunger,  yessis, 

349 


ca^^  corm  buck  beqitzs  he  caudant  stall  awake)  he  touched  upon 
this  tree  of  livings  in  the  middenst  of  the  garerden  for  inasmuch 
as  because  that  he  confessed  to  it  on  Hillel  and  down  Dalem  and 
in  the  places  which  the  lepers  inhabit  in  the  place  of  the  stones 
and  in  pontofert  jusfuggading  amoret  now  he  come  to  think  of  it 
jolly  well  ruttengenerously  olyovyover  the  ole  blucky  shop.  Pugger 
old  Pumpey  0*  Dungaschifff  There  will  be  a  hen  collection  of  him 
after  avensung  on  the  field  of  Hanar.  Dumble  down^  looties  and 
gengstermen!  Dtin^  dtin^  dtin^  dtin/] 

BUTT  (with  a  gisture  expansive  of  Mr  Lhugewhite  Cadderpollard 
with  sunflawered  beautonhole  pulled  up  point  blanck  by  mailbag 
mundaynism  at  Oldbally  Court  though  the  hissindensity  buck  far 
of  his  melovelance  tells  how  when  he  was  fast  marking  his  first 
lord  for  cremation  the  whyfe  of  his  bothem  was  the  very  lad's  thing 
to  elter  his  mehind).  Prostatates,  pujealousties!  Dovolnoisers, 
prayshyous!  Defense  in  every  circumstancias  of  deboutcheries 
no  the  chaste  daffs !  Pack  pickets,  pioghs  and  kughs  to  be  palsey- 
putred !  Be  at  the  peme,  prease,  of  not  forgetting  or  mere  betoken 
yourself  to  hother  prace!  Correct  me,  pleatze  commando,  for 
cossakes  but  I  abjure  of  it.  No  more  basquibezigues  for  this  pole 
aprican!  With  askormiles'  eskermillas.  I  had  my  billyfell  of 
duckish  delights  the  whole  pukny  time  on  rawmeots  and  juliannes 
with  their  lambstoels  in  my  kiddeneys  and  my  ramsbutter  in 
their  sassenacher  ribs,  knee  her,  do  her  and  trey  her,  when 
th'osirian  cumb  dumb  like  the  whalf  on  the  fiord  and  we  prey- 
ing players  and  pinching  peacesmokes,  troupkers  tomiatskyns 
all,  for  Father  Petrie  Spence  of  Parishmoslattary  to  go  and  leave 
us  and  the  crimsend  daun  to  shellalite  on  the  darkumen  (scene 
as  signed,  Slobabogue),  feeding  and  sleeping  on  the  huguenottes 
(the  snuggest  spalniel's  where  the  lieon's  tame!)  and  raiding 
revolations  over  the  allbegeneses  (sand  us  and  saint  us  and 
sound  as  agun!).  Yet  still  in  all,  spit  for  spat,  like  we  chantied  on 
Sunda  schoon,  every  warson  wearrier  kaddies  a  komnate  in 
his  schnapsack  and  unlist  I  am  getting  foegutfulls  of  the  rugi- 
ments  of  savaliged  wildfire  I  was  gamefellow  willmate  and  send 

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us  victorias  with  nowells  and  brownings,  dumm,  sneak  and 
curry,  and  all  the  fun  I  had  in  that  fanagan's  week.  A  strange 
man  wearing  abarrel.  And  here's  a  gift  of  meggs  and  teggs.  And 
as  I  live  by  chipping  nortons.  And  'tis  iron  fits  the  farmer,  ay. 
Arcdesedo!  Renborumba!  Then  were  the  hellscyown  days  for 
our  fellows,  the  loyal  leibsters,  and  we  was  the  redugout  raw- 
recruitioners,  praddies  three  and  prettish  too,  a  wheeze  we  has 
in  our  waynward  islands,  wee  engrish,  one  long  blue  streak, 
jisty  and  pithy  af  durck  rosolun,  with  hand  to  hand  as  Homard 
Kayenne  was  always  jiggilyjugging  about  in  his  wendowed 
courage  when  our  woos  with  the  wenches  went  wined  for  a  song, 
tsingirillies'  zyngarettes,  while  Woodbine  Willie,  so  popiular 
with  the  poppyrossies,  our  Chorney  Choplain,  blued  the  air. 
Sczlanthas!  Banzaine!  Bissbasses!  S.  Pivorandbowl.  And  we  all 
tuned  in  to  hear  the  topmast  noviality.  Up  the  revels  drown  the 
rinks  and  almistips  all  round!  Paddy  Bonhamme  he  vives!  En- 
core! And  tig  for  tag.  Togatogtug,  My  droomodose  days  Y  loved 
you  abover  all  the  strest.  Blowhole  brasshat  and  boy  with  his 
boots  off  and  the  butch  of  our  bunch  and  all.  It  was  buckoo 
bonzer,  beleeme.  I  was  a  bare  prive  without  my  doglegs  but  I 
did  not  give  to  one  humpenny  dump,  wingh  or  wangh,  touching 
those  thusengaged  slavey  generales  of  Tanah  Kornalls,  the 
meelisha's  deelishas,  pronouncing  their  very  flank  movemens 
in  sunpictorsbosk.  Baghus  the  whatwar!  I  could  always  take  good 
cover  of  myself  and,  eyedulls  or  earwakers,  preyers  for  rain  or 
cominations,  I  did  not  care  three  tanker's  hoots,  ('sham!  hem! 
or  chafHt!)  for  any  feelings  from  my  lifeprivates  on  their  reptro- 
grad  leanins  because  I  have  Their  Honours  booth  my  respectables 
soeurs  assistershood  off  Lyndhurst  Terrace,  the  puttih  Misses 
Celana  Dalems,  and  she  in  vinting  her  angurr  can  belle  the  troth 
on  her  alliance  and  I  know  His  Heriness,  my  respeaktoble  me- 
dams  culonelle  on  Mellay  Street,  Lightnints  Gundhur  Sawabs, 
and  they  would  never  as  the  aimees  of  servation  let  me  down. 
Not  on  your  bludger  life,  touters!  No  peeping,  pimpadoors! 
And,  by  Jova,  I  never  went  wrong  nor  let  him  doom  till,  risky 
wark  rasky  wolk,  at  the  head  of  the  wake,  up  come  stumblebum 

351 


(ye  olde  cottemptable!),  his  urssian  gemenal,  in  his  scutt's  rudes 
unreformed  and  he  went  before  him  in  that  nemcon  enchelonce 
with  the  same  old  domstoole  story  and  his  upleave  the  fallener 
as  is  greatly  to  be  petted  (whitesides  do  his  beard !)  and  I  seen  his 
brichashert  offensive  and  his  boortholomas  vadnhammaggs  vise 
a  vise  them  scharlot  runners  and  how  they  gave  love  to  him 
and  how  he  took  the  ward  from  us  (odious  the  fly  fly  flurtation 
of  his  him  and  hers!  Just  mairmaid  maddeling  it  was  it  he  was!) 
and,  my  oreland  for  a  rolvever,  sord,  by  the  splunthers  of  colt 
and  bung  goes  the  enemay  the  Percy  rally  got  me,  messg^r,  (as 
true  as  theirs  an  Almagnian  Gothabobus!)  to  blow  the  grand  off 
his  aceupper.  Thistake  it 's  meest!  And  after  meath  the  dulwich. 
We  insurrectioned  and,  be  the  procuratress  of  the  hory  synnotts, 
before  he  could  tell  pullyirragun  to  parrylewis,  I  shuttm,  missus, 
like  a  wide  sleever!  Hump  to  dump!  Tumbleheaver! 

TAFF  {camelsensing  that  sonce  they  have  given  Iron  a  nuhlan 
the  volkar  boastsung  is  heading  to  sea  vermelhion  but  too  wellbred 
not  to  ignore  the  umiemlianess  of  his  rifaVs  preceedings^  in  an  effort 
towards  autosotorisation^  effaces  himself  in  favour  of  the  idiology 
alwise  behounding  his  lumpy  hump  off  homosodalism  which  means 
that  if  he  has  lain  amain  to  lolly  his  liking -cabronne!  -he  may  pops 
lilly  a  young  one  to  his  herth  -  combrune  -)  Oholy  rasher,  I'm  be- 
liever! And  Oho  bullyclaver  of  ye,  bragadore-gunneral !  The 
grand  ohold  spider!  It  is  a  name  to  call  to  him  Umsturdum  Vonn! 
Ah,  you  were  shutter  reshottus  and  sieger  besieged.  Aha  race  of 
fiercemarchands  counterination  oho  of  shorpshoopers. 

BUTT  {miraculising  into  the  Dann  Deafir  warcry,  his  bigotes 
bristling^  as,  jittinju  triggity  shittery  pet,  he  shouts  his  thump  and 
feeh  fauh  foul  finngures  up  the  heighohs  of  their  ahsl)  Bluddy- 
muddymuzzle!  The  buckbeshottered!  He'll  umbozzle  no  more 
graves  nor  horne  nor  haunder,  lou  garou,  for  gayl  geselles  in 
dead  men's  hills!  Kaptan  (backsights  to  his  bared!).  His  Cum- 
bulent  Embulence,  the  frustate  fourstar  Russkakruscam,  Dom 
Allaf  O'Khorwan,  connundurumchuff. 

TAFF  (who,  asbestas  can,  wi^  the  healps  of  gosh  and  his  blu^id 
maikar,  has  been  sulphuring  to  himsalves  all  the  pungataries 


II 

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of  sin  praktice  in  failing  to  furrow  theogonies  of  the  dommed). 
Trisseme,  the  mangoat!  And  the  name  of  the  Most  Marsiful, 
the  Aweghost,  the  Gragious  One!  In  sobber  sooth  and  in  souber 
civiles?  And  to  the  dirtiment  of  the  curtailment  of  his  all  of  man? 
Notshoh? 

BUTT  [maomant  scoffin^  hut  apoxyomenously  deturbaned  but 
thems  bleachin  banes  will  be  after  making  a  bashmans  haloday  out 
of  the  euphorious  hagiohygiecynicism  of  his  die  and  be  diademmed). 
Yastsar!  In  sabre  tooth  and  sobre  saviles!  Senonnevero!  That 
he  leaves  nyet  is  my  grafe.  He  deared  me  to  it  and  he  dared  me 
do  it,  and  bedattle  I  didaredonit  as  Cocksnark  of  Killtork  can 
tell  and  Ussur  Ursussen  of  the  viktaurious  onrush  with  all  the 
rattles  in  his  arctic!  As  bold  and  as  madhouse  a  bull  in  a  meadows. 
Knout  Knittrick  Kinkypeard!  Olefoh,  the  sourd  of  foemoe 
times!  Unknun!  For  when  meseemim,  and  tolfoklokken  rolland 
allover  ourloud's  lande,  beheaving  up  that  sob  of  tunf  for  to 
claimhis,  for  to  wollpimsolff,  puddywhuck.  Ay,  and  untuoning 
his  culothone  in  an  exitous  erseroyal  Deo  Jupto.  At  that  instuUt 
to  Igorladns!  Prronto!  I  gave  one  dobblenotch  and  I  ups  with 
my  crozzier.  Mirrdo!  With  my  how  on  armer  and  hits  leg  an 
arrow  cockshock  rockrogn.  Sparro ! 

\The  abnihilisation  of  the  etym  by  the  grisning  of  the  grosning 
of  the  grinder  of  the  grunder  of  the  first  lord  of  Hurtreford  ex- 
polodotonates  through  Parsuralia  with  an  ivanmorinthorrorumble 
fragoromboassity  amidwhiches  genejoL  uttermosts  confussion  are 
perceivable  moletons  shaping  with  mulicules  while  Coventry 
plumpkins  f airly gosmother themselves  in  the  Landaunelegants 
of  Pinkadindy,  Similar  scenatas  are  proj ec tills ed from  Hullulullu^ 
Bawlawayo,  empyreal  Raum  and  mordern  Atems.  They  were 
precisely  the  twdves^f^clocks^  noon  minutes^  none  seconds,  //.  +  O  f 
At  someseat  of  Oldanelangs  Konguerrig,  by  dawnybreak  in  ^  /O^^oq 
Aira.] 

TAFF  (skimperskamper^  his  wools  gatherings  all  over  cromlin 
what  with  the  birstol  boys  artheynes  and  is  it  her  tour  and  the 
crackery  of  the  fullfour  fivefirearms  and  the  crockery  of  their  dam- 

353 


dam  domdom  chumbers).  Wharall  thubulbs  uptheaires!  Shatta- 
movick? 

BUTT  {pulling  alast  stark  daniel  with  alest  doog  at  doorak  while 
too  greater  than  pardon  painfully  the  issue  of  his  mouth  diminuen- 
doing,  vility  of  vilities,  he  becomes,  allasvitally,  faint).  Shurenoff! 
Like  Faun  MacGhoul ! 

BUTT  and  TAFF  (desprot  slave  wager  and  foeman  feodal  un- 
sheckled,  now  one  and  the  same  person,  their  fight  upheld  to  right 
for  a  wee  while  being  baffled  and  tottered,  umbraged  by  the  shadow 
of  Old  Erssias  magisquammythical  mulattomilitiaman,  the  living 
by  owning  over  the  surfers  of  the  glebe  whose  sway  craven  minnions 
had  caused  to  revile,  as,  too  foul  for  hell,  under  boiling  Mauses^ 
burning  brand,  he  falls  by  GolVs  gillie,  but  keenheartened  by  the 
circuminsistence  of  the  Parkes  0' Rarely s  in  a  hurdly  gurdly  Cicilian 
concertone  of  their  fonngeena  barney  brawl,  shaken  everybothy  s 
hands,  while  S.  E,  Morehampton  makes  leave  to  E.  N.  Sheil- 
martin  after  Meetinghouse  Lanigan  has  embaraced  Vergemout 
Hall,  and,  without  falter  or  mormor  or  blathrehoot  of  sophs  terliness, 
pugnate  the  pledge  of  fiannaship,  dook  to  dook,  with  a  commonturn 
oudchd  of  fest  man  and  best  man  astoutsalliesemoutioun  palms  it 
off  like  commodity  tokens  against  a  cococancancacacanotioim). 
When  old  the  wormd  was  a  gadden  and  Anthea  first  unfoiled  her 
limbs  wanderloot  was  the  way  the  wood  wagged  where  opter 
and  apter  were  samuraised  twimbs.  They  had  their  mutthering 
ivies  and  their  murdhering  idies  and  their  mouldhering  iries  in 
that  muskat  grove  but  there'll  be  bright  plinnyflowers  in  Calo- 
mella's  cool  bowers  when  the  magpyre's  babble  towers  scorching 
and  screeching  from  the  ravenindove.  If  thees  lobed  the  sex  of 
his  head  and  mees  ates  the  seep  of  his  traublers  he's  dancing 
figgies  to  the  spittle  side  and  shoving  outs  the  soord.  And  he'll 
be  buying  buys  and  go  gulling  gells  with  his  flossim  and  jessim 
of  carm,  silk  and  honey  while  myandthys  playing  lancifer  lucifug 
and  what's  duff  as  a  bettle  for  usses  makes  coy  cosyn  corollanes* 
moues  weeter  to  wee.  So  till  butagain  budly  shoots  thon  rising 
germinal  let  bodley  chow  the  fatt  of  his  anger  and  badley  bide 
the  toil  of  his  tubb. 

354 


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II 


[The  pump  and  pipe  pingers  are  ideally  reconstituted.  The 
putther  and  bowls  are  peterpacked  up.  All  the  presents  are  deter- 
mining  as  regards  for  the  future  the  howabouts  of  their  past 
absences  which  they  might  see  on  at  hearing  could  they  once  smell 
of  tastes  from  touch.  To  ought  find  a  values  for.  The  must  over- 
listingness.  When  ex  what  is  ungiven.  As  ad  where,  Stillhead, 
Blunk.] 

Shutmup.  And  bud  did  down  well  right.  And  if  he  sung  dumb 
in  his  glass  darkly  speech  lit  face  to  face  on  allaround. 

Vociferagitant.  Viceversounding.  Namely,  Abdul  Abulbul 
Amir  or  Ivan  Slavansky  Slavar.  In  alldconfusalem.  As  to  whom  the 
major  guiltfeather  pertained  it  was  Hercushiccups'  care  to  educe. 
Beauty's  bath  she's  bound  to  bind  beholders  and  pride,  his  purge, 
has  place  appoint  in  penance  and  the  law's  own  libel  lifts  and 
lames  the  low  with  the  lofty.  Be  of  the  housed !  While  the  Hersy 
Hunt  they  harrow  the  hill  for  to  rout  them  rollicking  rogues 
from,  rule  those  racketeer  romps  from,  rein  their  rockery  rides 
from.  Rambling. 

Nightclothesed,  arooned,  the  conquerods  sway.  After  their 
battle  thy  fair  bosom. 

—  That  is  too  tootrue  enough  in  Solidan's  Island  as  in  Mol- 
tern  Giaourmany  and  from  the  Amelakins  off  to  date  back  to 
land  of  engined  Egypsians,  assented  from  his  opening  before  his 
inlookers  of  where  an  oxmanstongue  stalled  stabled  the  well- 
nourished  one,  lord  of  the  seven  days,  overlord  of  sats  and  suns, 
the  sat  of  all  the  suns  which  are  in  the  ring  of  his  system  of  the 
sats  of  his  sun,  god  of  the  scuffeldfallen  skillfilledfelon,  who  (he 
contaimns)  hangsters,  who  (he  constrains)  hersirrs,  a  gain  chang- 
ful,  a  mintage  vaster,  heavy  on  shirts,  lucky  with  shifts,  the  top- 
side humpup  stummock  atween  his  showdows  fellah,  Misto  Tee- 
wiley  Spillitshops,  who  keepeth  watch  in  Khummer-Phett,  whose 
spouse  is  An-Lyph,  the  dog's  bladder,  warmer  of  his  couch  in 
fore.  We  all,  for  whole  men  is  lepers,  have  been  nobbut  won- 
terers  in  that  chill  childerness  which  is  our  true  name  after  the 
allfaulters  (mug's  luck  to  em !)  and,  bespeaking  of  love  and  lie 
detectors  in  venuvarities,  whateither  the  drugs  truth  of  it,  was 

355 


there  an  iota  of  from  the  faust  to  the  lost.  And  that  is  at  most  re- 
doubtedly  an  overthrew  of  each  and  ilkermann  of  us,  I  persuade 
myself,  before  Gow,  gentlemen,  so  true  as  this  are  my  kopfinpot 
astrode  on  these  is  my  boardsoldereds. 

It  sollecited,  grobbling  hummley,  his  roundhouse  of  seven 
orofaces,  of  all,  guiltshouters  or  crimemummers,  to  be  sayd  by, 
codnops,  advices  for,  free  of  gracies,  scamps  encloded,  com- 
petitioning  them,  if  they  had  steadied  Jura  or  when  they  had 
raced  Messafissi,  husband  of  your  wifebetter  or  bestman  botcha- 
lover  of  you  yourself,  how  comes  ever  a  body  in  our  taylorised 
world  to  selve  out  thishis,  whither  it  gives  a  primeum  nobilees 
for  our  notomise  or  naught,  the  farst  wriggle  from  the  ubivence, 
whereom  is  man,  that  old  offender,  nother  man,  wheile  he  is 
asame.  And  fullexampling.  The  pints  in  question.  With  some  by- 
spills.  And  sicsecs  to  provim  hurtig.  Soup's  on ! 

—  A  time.  And  a  find  time.  Whenin  aye  was  a  kiddling.  And 
the  tarikies  held  sowansopper.  Let  there  beam  a  frishfrey.  And 
they  sodhe  gudhe  rudhe  brodhe  wedhe  swedhe  medhe  in  the 
kanddledrum.  I  have  just  (let  us  suppraise)  been  reading  in  a 
(suppressed)  book  —  it  is  notwithstempting  by  meassures  long 
and  limited — the  latterpress  is  eminently  legligible  and  the  paper, 
so  he  eagerly  seized  upon,  has  scarsely  been  buttered  in  works  of 
previous  publicity  wholebeit  in  keener  notcase  would  I  turf  aside 
for  pastureuration.  Packen  paper  paineth  whomto  is  sacred 
scriptured  sign.  Who  straps  it  scraps  it  that  might,  if  ashed,  have 
healped.  Enough,  however,  have  I  read  of  it,  like  my  good  bedst 
friend,  to  augur  in  the  hurry  of  the  times  that  it  will  cocommend 
the  widest  circulation  and  a  reputation  coextensive  with  its  merits 
when  inthrusted  into  safe  and  pious  hands  upon  so  edifying  a 
mission  as  it,  I  can  see,  as  is  his.  It  his  ambullished  with  expurga- 
tive  plates,  replete  in  information  and  accampaigning  the  action 
passiom,  slopbang,  whizzcrash,  boomarattling  from  burst  to 
past,  as  I  have  just  been  seeing,  with  my  warmest  venerections, 
of  a  timmersome  townside  upthecountrylifer,  (Guard  place  the 
town!)  allthose  everwhalmed  upon  diat  preposterous  blank  seat, 
before  the  wordcraft  of  this  early  woodcutter,  a  master  of  vignett- 

356 


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iennes  and  our  findest  grobsmid  among  all  dieir  orefices,  (and, 
shukar  in  chowdar,  so  splunderdly  English!)  Mr  Aubeyron 
Birdslay.  Chiabgoodchob,  arsoncheep  and  wellwillworth  a  triat! 
Bismillafoulties.  But  the  hasard  you  asks  is  justly  ever  behind  his 
meddle  throw!  Those  sad  pour  sad  forengistanters,  dastychappy 
dustyrust!  Chaichairs.  It  is  that  something,  awe,  aurorbean  in  that 
fellow,  hamid  and  damid,  (did  he  have  but  Hugh  de  Brassey's 
beardslie  his  wear  mine  of  ancient  guised)  which  comequeers  this 
anywhat  perssian  which  we,  owe,  realisinus  with  purups  a  dard 
of  pene.  There  is  among  others  pleasons  whom  I  love  and  which 
are  favourests  to  mind,  one  which  I  have  pushed  my  finker  in  for 
the  movement  and,  but  for  my  sealring  is  none  to  hand  I  swear, 
she  is  highly  catatheristic  and  there  is  another  which  I  have 
fombly  fongered  freequuntly  and,  when  my  signet  is  on  sign 
again  I  swear,  she  is  deeply  sangnificant.  Culpo  de  Dido !  Ars  we  rj 
say  in  the  classics.  Kunstful^  we  others  said.  What  ravening  shadow ! 

What  dovely  line!  Not  the  king  of  this  age  could  richlier  eyefeast  ^  ^  

in  oreillental  longuardness  with  alternate  night  joys  of  a  thousand 
kinds  but  one  kind.  A  shahrryar  cobbler  on  me  when  I  am  lying ! 
And  whilst  (when  I  doot  my  slidjng  panel  and  I  hear  cawcaw)  I  ' -uh^ 
have  been  idylly  turmbing  over  the  loose  looves  leaflefts  jaggled 
casuallty  on  the  lamatory,  as  is  my  this  is,  as  I  must  commit 
my  lips  to  make  misface  for  misfortune,  often,  so  far  as  I  can 
chance  to  recollect  from  the  some  farnights  ago,  (so  dimsweet  is 
that  selvischdischdienence  of  to  not  to  be  able  to  be  obliged  to 
have  to  hold  further  anything  than  a  stone  his  throw's  jruit^  .c  p^coT^^p^ 
JalH)  when  I,  if  you  wil  excuse  for  me  this  informal  leading  down  ^^di^-H^ 
of  inexpressibles,  enlivened  toward  the  Author  of  Nature  by  the 
natural  sins  liggen  gobelimned  theirs  before  me,  (how  differen- 
ded  with  the  manmade  Eonochs  Cunstuntonopolies !),  weather- 
ed they  be  of  a  general  golf  stature,  assasserted,  or  blossomly 
emblushing  thems  elves  underneed  of  some  howthern  folleys, 
am  entrenched  jipxontemplating  of  myself,  wiz  my  naked  I,  for 
relieving  purposes  in  our  trurally  virvir  vergitabale  (garden)  I  ^ 
sometimes,  maybe,  what  has  justly  said  of  old  Flannagan,  a  wake 
from  this  or  huntsfurwards,  with  some  shock  (shell  I  so  render 

357 


it?)  have  (when  I  ope  my  shylight  window  and  I  see  coocoo)  a 
notion  quiet  involuptary  of  that  I  am  cadging  hapsnots  as  at 
murmurrandoms  of  distend  renations  from  ficsimilar  phases  or 
dugouts  in  the  behindscenes  of  our  earthwork  (what  rovining 
shudder!  what  deadly  loom!)  as  this  is,  at  no  spatial  time  pro- 
cessly  which  regards  to  concrude  chronology  about  which  in 
fact,  at  spite  of  I  having  belittled  myself  to  my  gay  giftname  of 
insectarian,  happy  burgages  abeyance  would  make  homesweets- 
town  hopeygoalucrey,  my  mottu  propprior,  as  I  claim,  cad's 
truck,  I  coined,  I  am  highly  pelaged  and  deeply  gluttened  to 
mind  hindmost  hearts  to  see  by  their  loudest  reports  from  my 
threespawn  bottery  parts  (shsh!)  that,  colombophile  and  corvino- 
phobe  alike,  when  I  have  remassed  me,  my  travellingself,  as  from 
Magellanic  clouds,  after  my  contractual  expenditures,  through 
the  perofficies  of  merelimb,  I,  my  good  grief,  I  am,  I  am  big 
altoogooder. 

He  beached  the  bark  of  his  tale;  and»  set  to  husband  and  vine: 
and  the  harpermaster  told  all  the  living  conservancy,  know 
Meschiameschianah,  how  that  win  a  gain  was  in  again.  Flying 
the  Perseoroyal.  Withal  aboarder,  padar  and  madar,  hal  and  sal, 
the  sens  of  Ere  with  the  duchtars  of  Iran.  Amick  amack  amock  in 
a  mucktub.  Qith  the  tou  loulous  and  the  gryffygryffygryffs,  at 
Fenegans  Wick,  the  Wildemanns.  Washed  up  whight  and  de- 
li veried  rhight.  Loud  lauds  to  his  luckhump  and  bejetties  on  jo- 
nahs!  And  they  winxed  and  wanxed  like  baillybeacons.  Till  we 
woksed  up  oldermen. 

From  whose  plultibust  preaggravated,  by  baskatchairch  theo- 
logies (there  werenighn  on  thaurity  herouns  in  that  alraschil 
arthouducks  draken),  they  were  whoalike  placed  to  say,  in  the 
matters  off  ducomans  nonbar  one,  with  bears'  respects  to  him  and 
bulls'  acknowledgments  (come  on  now,  girls!  lead  off,  O  cara, 
whichever  won  of  you  wins!  The  two  Gemuas  and  Jane  Agrah 
and  Judy  Tombuys!)  disassembling  and  taking  him  apart,  the 
slammocks,  with  discrimination  for  his  maypole  and  a  rub  in 
passing  over  his  hump,  drogueries  inaddendance,  frons,  fesces 
and  frithstool:  i)  he  hade  to  die  it,  the  beetle,  2)  he  didhithim  self, 

358 


) 


I 


hod's  fush,  3)  all  ever  the  pelican  huntered  with  truly  fond  bull- 
pen backthought  since  his  toork  human  life  where  his  personal 
low  outhired  his  taratoryism,  the  orenore  under  the  self  hide  of  his 
bessermettle,  was  forsake  in  his  chiltern  and  lumbojumbo,  4)  he 
was  like  Fintan  fore  flood  and  after  sometimes  too  damned 
merely  often  on  the  saved  side,  saw  he  was,  5)  regarding  to 
prussyattes  or  quazzyverzing  he  wassand  no  better  than  he  would 
have  been  before  he  could  have  been  better  than  what  he  warrant 
after,  6)  blood,  musk  or  haschish,  as  coked,  diamoned  or  pence- 
loid,  and  bleaching  him  naclenude  from  all  cohlorine  matter, 
down  to  a  boneash  bittstoff,  he's,  tink  fors  tank,  the  same  old 
dustamount  on  the  same  old  tincoverdull  baubleclass,  totstitty- 
winktosser  and  bogusbagwindburster,  whether  fitting  tyres  onto 
Danelope  boys  or  fluttering  flaus  for  laurettas,  whatever  the 
bucket  brigade  and  the  plug  party  says,  touchant  Arser  of  the 
Rum  Tipple  and  his  camelottery  and  lyonesslooting  but  with  a 
layaman's  brutstrenth,  by  Jacohob  and  Esahur  and  the  all  saults 
or  all  sallies,  what  we  warn  to  hear,  jeff",  is  the  woods  of  chirpsies 
cries  to  singaloo  sweecheeriode  and  sock  him  up,  the  oldcant 
rogue. 

Group  K,  /  ^ 

You  have  jest  (a  ham)  beamed  listening  through  (a  ham  pig) 
his  haulted  excerpt  from  John  Whiston's  fiveaxled  production. 
The  Coach  With  The  Six  Insides^  from  the  Tales  of  Yore  of  the 
times  gone  by  before  there  was  a  hofdking  or  a  hoovthing  or  a 
pinginapoke  in  Oreland,  all  sould.  Goes  Tory  by  Eerie  Whigs  is 
To  Become  Tintinued  in  Pearsons  Nightly  in  the  Lets  All  Wake 
Brickfaced  In  Lucan.  Lhirondella,  jaunty  Ihirondella!  With  tirra 
lirra  rondinelles,  atantivy  we  go ! 
Attention!  Stand  at!!  Ease!!! 

We  are  now  diffusing  among  our  lovers  of  this  sequence  (to 
you!  to  you!)  the  dewfolded  song  of  the  naughtingels  (Alys! 
Alysaloe!)  from  their  sheltered  positions,  in  rosescenery  hay- 
dyng,  on  the  heather  side  of  waldalure.  Mount  Saint  John's, 
Jinnyland,  whither  our  allies  winged  by  duskfoil  from  Moore- 
parque,  swift  sanctuary  seeking,  after  Sunsink  gang  (Oiboe! 

359 


Hitherzither!  Almost  dotty!  I  must  dash!)  to  pour  their  peace  in 
partial  (floflo  floreflorence),  sweetishsad  lightandgayle,  twittwin 
twosingwoolow.  Let  everie  sound  of  a  pitch  keep  still  in  reson- 
ance, jemcrow,  jackdaw,  prime  and  secund  with  their  terce  that 
whoe  betwides  them,  now  full  theorbe,  now  dulcifair,  and  when 
we  press  of  pedal  (sof!)  pick  out  and  vowelise  your  name. 
A  mum.  You  pere  Golazy,  you  mere  Bare  and  you  Bill  Heeny,  and 
you  Smirky  Dainty  and,  more  beethoken,  you  wheckfoolthe- 
nairyans  with  all  your  badchthumpered  peanas!  We  are  gluck- 
glucky  in  our  being  so  far  fortunate  that,  bark  and  bay  duol  with 
Man  Goodfox  inchimings  having  ceased  to  the  moment,  so  allow 
the  clinkars  of  our  nocturnefield,  night's  sweetmoztheart,  their 
Carmen  Sylvae,  my  quest,  my  queen.  Lou  must  wail  to  cool  me 
airly!  Coil  me  curly,  warbler  dear!  May  song  it  flourish  (in  the 
underwood),  in  chorush,  long  make  it  flourish  (in  the  Nut,  in  the 
Nutsky)  till  thorush !  Secret  Hookup. 

—  Roguenaar  Loudbrags,  that  soddy  old  samph!  How  high 
is  vuile,  var.'* 

To  which  yes  he  did,  capt,  that  was  the  answer. 

—  And  his  shartshort  trooping  its  colours !  We  knows  his 
ventruquulence. 

Which  that  that  rang  ripprippripplying. 

— Bulbul,  bulbulone !  I  will  shally.  Thou  shalt  willy .  You  wouldnt 
should  as  youd  remesmer.  I  hypnot.  'Tis  golden  sickle's  hour. 
Holy  moon  priestess,  we'd  love  our  grappes  of  mistellose!  Moths 
the  matter?  Pschtt!  Tabarins  comes.  To  fell  our  fairest.  O  gui,  O 
gui !  Salam,  salms,  salaum !  Carolus !  O  indeed  and  we  ware !  And 
hoody  crow  was  ere.  I  soared  from  the  peach  and  MissmoUy 
showed  her  pear  too,  onto  three  and  away.  Whet  the  bee  as  to 
deflowret  greendy  grassies  yellowhorse.  Kematitis,  cele  our  er- 
dours!  Did  you  aye,  did  you  eye,  did  you  everysee  suchaway, 
suchawhy,  eeriewhigg  airywhugger.'^  Even  to  the  extremity  of 
the  world?  Dingoldell!  The  enormanous  his,  our  littlest  little! 
Wee  wee,  that  long  alancey  one!  Let  sit  on  this  anthill  for  our 
frilldress  talk  after  this  day  of  making  blidie  inveiled  tlie  heart 
before  our  groatsupper  serves  to  us  Panchomaster  and  let  har- 

360 


leqwind  play  peeptomine  up  all  our  colombinations !  Wins 
won  is  nought,  twigs  too  is  nil,  tricks  trees  makes  nix,  fairs  fears 
stoops  at  nothing.  And  till  Arthur  comes  againus  and  sen  pea- 
trick's  he's  reformed  we'll  pose  him  together  a  piece,  a  pace. 
Shares  in  guineases!  There's  lovely  the  sight!  Surey  me,  man 
weepful!  Big  Seat,  you  did  hear?  And  teach  him  twisters  in 
tongue  irish.  Pat  lad  may  goh  too.  Quicken,  aspen;  ash  and  yew; 
willow,  broom  with  oak  for  you.  And  move  your  tellabout.  Not 
nice  is  that,  limpet  lady!  Spose  we  try  it  promissly.  Love  all. 
Naytellmeknot  tennis !  Taunt  me  treattening !  But  do  now  say  to 
Mr  Eustache!  Ingean  mingen  has  to  hear.  Whose  joint  is  out  of 
jealousy  now.'*  Why,  heavilybody's  evillyboldy's.  Hopping  Gra- 
cius,  onthy  ovful !  O  belessk  mie,  what  a  nerve !  How  a  mans  in 
his  armor  we  nurses  know.  Wingwong  welly,  pitty  pretty  Nelly ! 
Some  Poddy  pitted  in,  will  anny  petty  pullet  out?  Call  Kitty 
Kelly!  Kissykitty  Killykelly!  What  a  nossowl  buzzard!  But  what 
a  neats  ung  gels ! 

Here  all  the  leaves  alift  aloft,  full  o'liefing,  fell  alaughing  over 
Ombrellone  and  his  parasollieras  with  their  black  thronguards 
from  the  County  Shillelagh.  Ignorant  invincibles,  innocents  im- 
mutant!  Onzel  grootvatter  Lodewijk  is  onangonamed  before  the 
bridge  of  primerose  and  his  twy  Isas  Boldmans  is  met  the  bluey- 
bells  near  Dandeliond.  We  think  its  a  gorsedd  shame,  these  go- 
doms.  A  lark  of  limonladies!  A  lurk  of  orangetawneymen !  You're 
backleg  wounted,  budkley  mister,  bester  of  the  boyne ! 

And  they  leaved  the  most  leavely  of  leaftimes  and  the  most 
folliagenous  till  there  came  the  marrer  of  mirth  and  the  jangthe- 
rapper  of  all  jocolarinas  and  they  were  as  were  they  never  ere. 
Yet  had  they  laughtered,  one  on  other,  undo  the  end  and  enjoyed 
their  laughings  merry  was  the  times  when  so  grant  it  High  Hila- 
rion  us  may  too ! 

Cease,  prayce,  storywalkering  around  with  gestare  romano- 
verum  he  swinking  about  is  they  think  and  plan  unrawil 
what. 

Back  to  Droughty!  The  water  of  the  face  has  flowed. 
The  all  of  them,  the  sowriegueuxers,  blottyeyed  boys,  in  that 

361 


pig's  village  smoke,  a  sixdigitarian  legion  on  druid  circle,  the 
Clandibblon  clam  cartel,  then  pulled  out  and  came  off  and  rally 
agreed  them,  roasted  malts  with  toasted  hurleys,  in  condomnation 
of  his  totomptation  and  for  the  duration  till  his  repepulation, 
upon  old  nollcromforemost  ironsides,  as  camnabel  chieftain,  since, 
as  Sammon  trowed  to  explain  to  summon,  seeing  that,  as  he  had 
contracted  out  of  islands  empire,  he  might  as  coolly  have  rolled 
to  school  call,  tarponturboy,  a  grampurpoise,  the  manyfathom 
brinegrogm  with  the  fortyinch  bride,  out  of  the  cuptin  klanclord 
kettle  auction  like  the  soldr  of  a  britsh  he  was  bound  to  be  and 
become  till  the  sea  got  him  whilask,  from  maker  to  misses  and 
what  he  gave  was  as  a  pattern,  he,  that  hun  of  a  horde,  is  a  finn 
as  she,  his  tent  wife,  is  a  lap,  at  home  on  a  steed,  abroad  by  the 
fire  (to  say  nothing  of  him  having  done  whatyouknow  howyou- 
saw  whenyouheard  whereyouwot,  the  kenspeckled  souckar, 
generose  as  cocke,  greediguss  with  garzelle,  uprighter  of  age  and 
most  umbrasive  of  yews  all,  under  heaviest  corpsus  exemption) 
and  whoasever  spit  her  in  howsoever's  fondling  saving  her 
keepers  that  mould  the  bould  she  sould  to  hould  the  wine  that 
wakes  the  barley,  the  peg  in  his  pantry  to  hold  the  heavyache  off 
his  heart.  The  droll  delight  of  deemsterhood,  a  win  from  the 
wood  to  bond.  Like  the  bright  lamps,  Thamamahalla,  yearin  out 
yearin.  Auspicably  suspectable  but  in  expectancy  of  respectable- 
ness.  From  dirty  flock  bedding,  drip  dropping  through  the  ceil- 
ing, with  two  sisters  of  charities  on  the  front  steps  and  three  eva- 
cuan  cleansers  at  the  back  gaze,  single  box  and  pair  of  chairs 
(suspectable),  occasionally  and  alternatively  used  by  husband 
when  having  writing  to  do  in  connection  with  equitable  druids 
and  friendly  or  other  societies  through  periods  of  dire  want  with 
comparative  plenty  (thunderburst,  ravishment,  dissolution  and 
providentiality)  to  a  sofa  allbeit  of  hoarsehaar  with  Amodicum 
cloth,  hired  payono,  still  playing  off,  used  by  the  youngsters  for 
czurnying  out  oldstrums,  three  bedrooms  upastairs,  of  which 
one  with  fireplace  (aspectable),  with  greenliouse  in  prospect  (par- 
ticularly perspectable). 

And  you,  when  you  kept  at  Dulby,  were  you  always  (for  that 

362 


time  only)  what  we  knew  how  when  we  (from  that  point  solely) 

were  you  know  where?  There  you  are!  And  why?  Why,  hitch  a 

cock  eye,  he  was  snapped  on  the  sly  upsadaisying  coras  pearls 

out  of  the  pie  when  all  the  perts  in  princer  street  set  up  their 

tinker's  humn,  (the  rann,  the  rann,  that  keen  of  old  bards),  with 

them  newnesboys  pearcin  screaming  off  their  armsworths.  The 

boss  made  dovesandraves  out  of  his  bucknesst  while  herself  i^^^TiXifyrclu^ 

wears  the  bowler's  hat  in  her  bath.  Deductive  Almayne  Rogers  ^ ,  f 

disguides  his  voice,  shetters  behind  hoax  chestnote  from  exexive. 

Heat  wives  rasing.  They  jest  keeps  rosing.  He  jumps  leaps  rizing. 

Howlong! 

You  known  that  tom?  I  certainly  know.  Is  their  bann  boths- 
tiesed?  Saddenly  now.  Has  they  bane  reneemed?  Soothinly  low. 
Does  they  ought  to  buy  the  papelboy  when  he  footles  up  their 
suit?  He's  their  mark  to  foil  the  flouter  and  they  certainty 
owe. 

He  sprit  in  his  phiz  (baccon!).  He  salt  to  their  bis  (pudden!). 
He  toockled  her  palam  (so  calam  is  solom!).  And  he  suked  their 
friends'  leave  (bonn/ck  lass,  fair  weal !) 

—  Guilty  but  fellows  culpows !  It  was  felt  by  me  sindeade,  that 
submerged  doughdoughty  doubleface  told  waterside  labourers.  | 
But  since  we  for  athome's  health  have  chanced  all  that,  the  wild  /fl^^^ 
whips,  the  wind  ships,  the  wonderlost  for  world  hips,  unto  their 
foursquare  trust  prayed  in  aid  its  plumptylump  piteousness 
which,  when  it  turtled  around  seeking  a  thud  of  surf,  spake  to 
approach  from  inherdoff  trisspass  through  minxmingled  hair. 
Though  I  may  have  hawked  it,  said,  and  selled  my  how  hot  peas  l^^^^-^^-^ 
after  theactrisscalls  from  my  imprecurious  position  and  though   '  l^-^"^ 
achance  I  could  have  emptied  a  pan  of  backslop  down  drain  b}^ 
whiles  of  dodging  a  rere  from  the  middenprivet  appurtenant 
thereof,  salving  the  presents  of  the  board  of  wumps  and  pumps, 
I  am  ever  incalpable,  where  release  of  prisonals  properly  is  con- 
cerned, of  unlifting  upfallen  girls  wherein  dangered  from  them 
in  thereopen  out  of  unadulteratous  bowery,  with  those  hintering 
influences  from  an  angelsexonism.  It  was  merely  my  barely  till 
their  oh  offs.  Missaunderstaid.  Meggy  Guggy's  giggag.  The 

363 


code's  proof!  The  rebald  danger  with  they  who  would  bare  white- 
ness against  me  I  dismissem  from  the  mind  of  good.  He  can  tell 
such  as  story  to  the  Twelfth  Maligns  that  my  first  was  a  nurss- 
maid  and  her  fellower's  a  willbe  perambulatrix.  There  are  twingty 
to  twangty  too  thews  and  leathermail  coatschemes  penparing  to 
hostpost  for  it  valinnteerily  with  my  valued  fofavour  to  the  post 
puzzles  deparkment  with  larch  parchels'  of  presents  for  future 
branch  offercings.  The  green  approve  the  raid!  Shaum  Baum's 
bode  he  is  amustering  in  the  groves  while  his  shool  comes  merg- 
ing along!  Want  I  put  myself  in  their  kirtlies  I  were  ayearn  to 
leap  with  them  and  show  me  too  bisextine.  Dear  and  lest  I  for- 
get mergers  and  bow  to  you  low,  marchers!  Attemption!  What 
a  mazing  month  of  budsome  misses  they  are  making,  so  wingty- 
wish  to  flit  beflore  their  kin !  Attonsure !  Ears  to  hears !  The  skall 
of  a  gall  (for  every  dime  he  yawpens  that  momouth  you  could 
park  your  ford  in  it)  who  has  papertreated  him  into  captivities 
with  his  inside  man  by  a  hocksheat  of  starvision  for  an  avrageto- 
peace  of  parchment,  cooking  up  his  lenses  to  be  my  apoclogypst, 
the  recreuter  of  conscraptions,  let  him  be  asservent  to  Kinahaun ! 
For  (peace  peace  perfectpeace !)  I  have  abwaited  me  in  a  water  of 
Elin  and  I  have  placed  my  reeds  intectis  before  the  Registower  of 
the  perception  of  tribute  in  the  hall  of  the  city  of  Analbe.  How 
concerns  any  merryaunt  and  hworsoever  gravesobbers  it  is 
perensempry  sex  of  fun  to  help  a  dazzle  off  the  othour.  What  for 
Mucias  and  Gracias  may  the  duvlin  rape  the  handsomst!  And  the 
whole  mad  knightmayers'  nest!  Tunpother,  prison  and  plotch! 
If  Y  shoulden  somewhat,  well,  I  am  able  to  owe  it,  hearth  and  chem- 
ney  easy.  They  seeker  for  vannflaum  all  worldins  merkins.  V\\ 
eager  make  lyst  turpidump  undher  arkens.  Basast!  And  if  my  liti- 
gimate  was  well  to  wrenn  tigtag  cackling  about  it,  like  the  sally 
herd  she  is,  to  abery  ham  in  the  Cutey  Strict,  (I  shall  call  upon 
my  first  among  my  lost  of  lyrars  beyond  a  jingoobangoist,  to 
overcast  her)  dismissing  mundamanu  all  the  riflings  of  her  vic- 
tuum  gleaner  (my  old  chuck!  she  drakes  me  druck!  turning  out, 
gay  at  ninety!)  and  well  shoving  off  a  boastonmess  like  lots  wives 
does  over  her  handpicked  hunsbend,  as  she  would  be  calling,  well, 

364 


i 


for  further  oil  mircles  upon  all  herwayferer  gods  and  reanounc- 
ing  my  deviltries  as  was  I  a  locally  person  of  caves  until  I  got  my 
purchase  on  her  firmforhold  I  am,  I  like  to  think,  by  their  sacre- 
ligion  of  daimond  cap  daimond,  confessedly  in  my  baron  gentil- 
homme  to  the  manhor  bourne  till  ladiest  day  as  panthoposopher, 
to  have  splet  for  groont  a  peer  of  bellows  like  Bacchulus  shakes  a 
rousing  guttural  at  any  old  cerpaintime  by  peaching  (allsole  we 
are  not  amusical)  the  warry  warst  against  myself  in  the  defile  as 
a  lieberretter  sebaiscopal  of  these  mispeschyites  of  the  first  virgi- 
nial  water  who,  without  an  auction  of  biasement  from  my  part, 
with  gladyst  tone  ahquickyessed  in  it,  overhowe  and  under- 
where,  the  totty  lolly  poppy  flossy  conny  dollymaukins.  Though 
I  heave  a  coald  on  my  bauck  and  am  could  up  to  my  eres  hoven 
sametimes  I  used  alltides  to  be  aswarmer  for  the  meekst  and  the 
graced.  You  are  not  going  to  not.  You  might  be  threeabreasted 
wholenosing  at  a  whallhoarding  from  our  Don  Amir  anent  villa- 
yets  prostatution  precisingly  kuschkars  tarafs  and  it  could  be 
double  densed  uncounthest  hour  of  allbleakest  age  with  a  bad  of 
wind  and  a  barran  of  rain,  nompos  mentis  like  Novus  Elector,  what 
with  his  Marx  and  their  Groups,  yet  did  a  doubt,  should  a  dare, 
were  to  you,  you  would  do  and  dhamnk  me,  shenker,  dhumnk  you. 
Skunk.  And  fare  with  me  to  share  with  me.  Hinther  and  thonther, 
hant  by  hont.  By  where  dauvening  shedders  down  whose  rovely 
lanes.  As  yose  were  and  as  yese  is.  Sure  and  you  would,  Mr  Mac 
Gurk!  Be  sure  and  you  would,  Mr  O'Duane!  To  be  sure  and  you 
would  so,  Mr  MacElligut!  Wod  you  nods.^  Mom  mom.  No  mum 
has  the  rod  to  pud  a  stub  to  the  lurch  of  amotion.  My  little  love 
apprencisses,  my  dears,  the  estelles,  van  Nessies  von  Nixies  voon 
der  pool,  which  I  had  a  reyal  devouts  for  yet  was  it  marly  lowease 
or  just  a  feel  with  these  which  olderman  K.K.  Alwayswelly  he 
is  showing  ot  the  fullnights  for  my  palmspread  was  gav  to  a 
parsleysprig,  the  curliest  weedeen  old  ocean  coils  around,  so  spruce 
a  spice  for  salthorse,  sonnies,  and  as  tear  to  the  thrusty  as  Tay- 
lor's Spring,  when  aftabournes,  when  she  was  look  like  a  little 
cheayat  chilled  (Oh  sard!  ah  Mah!)  by  my  tide  impracing,  as 
Beacher  seath,  and  all  the  colories  fair  fled  from  my  folced  cheeks ! 

365 


Popottes,  where  you  canceal  me  you  mayst  forced  guage  my 
bribes.  Wickedgapers,  I  appeal  against  the  light!  A  nexistence  of 
vividence!  Panto,  boys,  is  on  a  looser  inloss;  ballet,  girls,  suppline 
thrown  tights.  I  have  wanted  to  thank  you  such  a  long  time  so 
much  now.  Thank  you.  Sir,  kindest  of  bottleholders  and  very  dear 
friend,  among  our  hearts  of  steel,  froutiknow,  it  will  befor  you, 
me  dare  beautiful  young  soldier,  winninger  nor  anyour  of  rudi- 
mental  moskats,  before  you  go  to  mats,  you  who  have  watched 
your  share  with  your  sockboule  sodalists  on  your  buntad  nogs  at 
our  love  tennis  squats  regatts,  suckpump,  when  on  with  the  balls 
did  disserve  the  fain,  my  goldrush  gainst  her  silvernetss,  to  say, 
biguidd,  for  the  love  of  goddess  and  perthanow  as  you  reveres 
your  one  mothers,  mitsch  for  matsch,  and  while  I  reveal  thus  my 
deepseep  daughter  which  was  bourne  up  pridely  out  of  meds- 
dreams  unclouthed  when  I  was  pillowing  in  my  brime  (of  Satur- 
nay  Eve,  how  now,  woren't  we't?),  to  see,  I  say,  whoahoa,  in  stay 
of  execution  in  re  Milcho  Melekmans,  increaminated,  what  you 
feel,  oddrabbit,  upon  every  strong  ground  you  have  ever  taken 
up,  by  bitterstiff  work  or  battonstaff  play,  with  assault  of  turk 
against  a  barrakraval  of  grakeshoots,  e'en  tho'  Jambuwel's  defe- 
calties  is  Terry  Shimmyrag's  upperturnity,  if  that  is  grace  for  the 
grass  what  is  balm  for  the  bramblers,  as  it  is  as  it  is,  that  I  am  the 
catasthmatic  old  ruffin  sippahsedly  improctor  to  be  seducint  tro- 
vatellas,  the  dire  daffy  damedeaconesses,  like  (why  sighs  the 
sootheesinger)  the  lilliths  oft  I  feldt,  and,  when  booboob  brutals 
and  cautiouses  only  aims  at  the  oggog  hogs  in  the  humand,  then, 
(Houtes,  Blymey  and  Torrenation,  upkurts  and  scotchem!)  FU 
tall  tale  tell  croon  paysecurers,  sowill  nuggets  and  nippers,  that 
thash  on  me  stumpen  blows  the  gaff  off  mombition  and  thit  thides 
or  marse  makes  a  good  dayle  to  be  shattat.  Fall  stuff. 
His  rote  in  ere,  afstef,  was. 

And  dong  wonged  Magongty  till  the  bombtomb  of  the  warr, 
thrusshed  in  his  whole  soort  of  cloose. 

Whisht  who  wooed  in  Weald,  bays  of  Bawshaw  binding.  The 
desire  of  Miriam  is  the  despair  of  Marian  as  Joh  Joseph's  beauty 
is  Jacq  Jacob's  grief.  Brow,  tell  nun;  eye,  feign  sad;  mouth,  sing 

366 


r 


mim.  Look  at  Lokman!  Whatbetween  the  cupgirls  and  the 
platterboys.  And  he  grew  back  into  his  grossery  baseness:  and 
for  all  his  grand  remonstrance:  and  there  you  are. 

Here  endeth  chinchinatibus  with  have  speak  finish.  With  a 
haygue  for  a  halt  on  a  pouncefoot  pause.  Pink,  pleas  pink,  two 
pleas  pink,  how  to  pleas  pink. 
Punk. 

Mask  one.  Mask  two.  Mask  three.  Mask  four.  J  --rL  ^  '  ^^^i^ 
U^^t.  R  ^ 

—  Look  about  you,  Tutty  Comyn!  y^^^  ^^hJL^ 

—  Remember  and  recall,  KuUykeg! 

—  When  visiting  Dan  Leary  try  the  corner  house  for  thee. 

—  I'll  gie  ye  credit  for  simmence  more  if  ye'll  be  lymphing.  t^^^^^^ 
/  OurJ*(mr^ayunculusts. 

/     And,  since  threestory  sorratelling  was  much  too  many,  they 
/  maddened  and  they  morgued  and  they  lungd  and  they  jowld. 
/    Synopticked  on  the  word. 
Till  the  Juke  done  it. 
CjDown;) 

Like  Jukoleon,  the  seagoer,  when  he  bore  down  in  his  perry 
boat  he  had  raised  a  slide  and  shipped  his  orders  and  seized  his 
pullets  and  primed  their  plumages,  the  fionnling  and  dubhlet,  the 
dun  and  the  fire,  and,  sending  them  one  by  other  to  fare  fore  forn, 
he  had  behold  the  residuance  of  a  delugion:  the  foggy  doze  still 
going  strong,  the  old  thalassocrats  of  invinsible  empores,  maskers 
oLthe  waterworld,  facing  one  way  to  another  way  and  this  way 
on  that  way,  from  severalled  their  fourdimmansions.  Where  the 
lighning  leaps  from  the  numbulous;  where  coold  by  cawld  breide 
lieth  langwid;  the  bounds  whereinbourne  our  soiled  bodies  all 
attomed  attaim  arrest:  appoint,  that's  all.  But  see  what  follows. 
Wringlings  upon  wronglings  among  incomputables  about  an 
uncomeoutable  (an  angel  prophetethis.'^  kingcorrier  of  beheasts.^  .  ^ 

the  calif  in  his  halifskin.'^  that  eyriewinging  one?)  and  the  voids 
bubbily  vode's  dodos  across  the  which  the  boomomouths  from 
their  dupest  dupes  were  in  envery  and  anononously  blowing 
great. 

367 


J) 


Guns. 

Keep  backwards,  please,  because  there  was  no  good  to  gundy 
running  up  again.  Guns.  And  it  was  written  up  in  big  capital. 
Guns.  Saying  never  underrupt  greatgrandgosterfosters !  Guns. 
And  whatever  one  did  they  said,  the  fourlings,  that  on  no  acounts 
you  were  not  to.  Guns. 

Not  to  pad  them  behaunt  in  the  fear.  Not  to  go,  tonnerwatter, 
and  bungley  well  chute  the  rising  gianerant.  Not  to  wandly  be 
woking  around  jerumsalemdo  at  small  hours  about  the  murketplots, 
smelling  okey  boney,  this  little  figgy  and  arraky  belloky  this  little 
pink  into  porker  but,  porkodirto,  to  let  the  gentlemen  pedesta- 
rolies  out  of  the  Monabella  culculpuration  live  his  own  left  leave, 
cullebuone,  by  perperusual  of  the  petpubblicities  without  inwok- 
ing  his  also's  between  (sic)  the  arraky  bone  and  (sue)  the  okey 
bellock.  And  not  to  not  be  always,  hemmer  and  hummer,  treeing 
unselves  up  with  one  exite  but  not  to  never  be  caving  nicely,  pre- 
cisely, quicely,  rebustly,  tendrolly,  unremarkably,  forsakenly,  hal- 
tedly,  reputedly,  firstly,  somewhatly,  yesayenoUy  about  the  back 
excits.  Never  to  weaken  up  in  place  of  the  broths.  Never  to  vvol- 
lusslleepp  in  the  pleece  of  the  poots.  And,  allerthings,  never  to  ate 
the  sour  deans  if  they  weren't  having  anysin  on  their  consients. 
And,  when  in  Zumschloss,  to  never,  narks,  cease  till  the  finely 
ending  was  consummated  by  the  completion  of  accomplishment. 

And  thus  within  the  tavern's  secret  booth  The  wisehight  ones 
who  sip  the  tested  sooth  Bestir  them  as  the  Just  has  bid  to  jab  The 
punch  of  quaram  on  the  mug  of  truth. 

K.C.  jowls,  they're  sodden  in  the  secret.  K.C.  jowls,  they  sure 
are  wise.  K.C.  jowls,  the  justicestjobbers,  for  they'll  find  another 
faller  if  their  ruse  won't  rise.  Whooley  the  Whooper. 
_Theieistasee.  Squarish  large  face  with  the  atlas  jacket.  Brights, 
brownie  eyes  in  bluesackin  shoeings.  Peaky  booky  nose  over  a 
lousiany  shirt.  Ruddy  stackle  hair  besides  a  strawcamel  belt. 
Namely.  Gregorovitch,  Leonocopolos,  Tarpinacci  and  Duggel- 
duggel.  And  was  theys  stare  all  atime.^  Yea  but  they  was.  Andor- 
ing  the  games,  induring  the  studies,  undaring  the  stories,  end  all. 
Ned.-^  Only  snugged  then  and  cosied  after  one  percepted  nought 

368 


while  tuffbettle  outraged  the  waywords  and  meansigns  of  their 

hinterhand  suppliesdemands.  And  be  they  gone  to  splane  splica- 

tion?  That  host  that  hast  one  on  the  hoose  when  backturns  when 

he  facefronts  none  none  in  the  house  his  geust  has  guest.  You  bet  ^  - 

they  is.  And  nose  well  down. 

With  however  what  sublation  of  compensation  in  the  radifica- 
tijon  of  interpretation  by  the  byeboys.'^  Being  they.  Mr  G.  B.  W.'j 
Ashburner,  S.  Bruno's  Toboggan  Drive,  Mr  Faixgood,  Bell-/ 
chimbers,  Carolan  Crescent,  Mr  LJL  Chattaway,  Hilly  Gape^^^^  »^ 
PQ,  Poplar  Park,  Mr  Q.  P.  Dieudonney,  The  View,  Gazey  PeerA 
Mr  T.  T.  Erchdeakin,  Multiple  Lodge,  Jiff  Exby  Rode,  Mr  W.  K.  | 
Ferris-Fender,  Fert  Fort,  Woovil  Doon  Botham  ontowhom 
adding  the  tout  that  pumped  the  stout  that  linked  the  lank  that 
cold  the  sandy  that  nextdoored  the  rotter  that  rooked  the  rhymer 
that  lapped  at  the  hoose  that  Joax  pilled. 

The.y  had  heard  or  had  heard  said  or  had  heard  said  written. 


Fidelisat.       p^'^dM^  l-l^  7^-^-^ 


That  there  first  a  rudrik  kingcomed  to  an  inn  court;  and  the 
seight  of  that  yard  was  a  perchypole  with  a  loovahgloovah  on  it; 
last  rmnnarks  m  when  wandshift  winneth  womans:  so 

how  would  it  hum,  whoson  of  a  which,  if  someof  aswas  to  start 
to  stunt  the  story  on.'^ 

So  many  needles  to  ponk  out  to  as  many  noodles  as  are  com- 
pany, they  noddling  all  about  it  tutti  to  tempo,  decumans  numbered 
too,  (a)  well,  that  the  secretary  bird,  better  known  as  Pandoria 
PauUabucca,  whom  they  thought  was  more  like  a  solicitor  general, 
indiscriminatingly  made  belief  mid  authorsagastions  from  Schelm 
the  Pelman  to  write  somewords  to  Senders  about  her  chilikin 
puck,  laughing  that  Poulebec  would  be  the  death  of  her,  {l>)  that, 
well,  that  Madges  Tighe,  the  postulate  auditressee,  when  her 
daremood's  a  grownian,  is  always  on  the  who  goes  where,  hoping 
to  Michal  for  the  latter  to  turn  up  with  a  cupital  tea  before  her 
ephumeral  comes  off  without  any  much  father  which  is  parting 
parcel  of  the  same  goumeral's  postoppage,  it  being  lookwhyse  on 
the  whence  blows  weather  helping  mickle  so  that  the  loiter  end  of 
that  leader  may  twaddle  out  after  a  cubital  lull  with  a  hopes  soon 

369 


to  ear,  comprong?  (c)  becakes  the  goatsman  on  question,  or  what- 
ever the  hen  the  humbler  was,  feeling  not  up  to  scratch  bekicks 
of  whatever  the  kiddings  Payne  Inge  and  Popper  meant  for  him, 
thoughy  onced  at  a  throughlove,  true  grievingfrue  danger,  as  a 
nirshe  persent  to  his  minstress,  devourced  the  pair  of  them 
Mather  Caray's  chucklings,  pante  blanche^  and  skittered  his  litters 
like  the  cavaliery  man  in  Cobra  Park  for  ungeborn  yenkelmen, 
Jeremy  Trouvas  or  Kepin  O'Keepers,  any  old  howe  and  any  old 
then  and  when  around  Dix  Dearthy  Dungbin,  remarking  sceni- 
cally  with  laddylike  lassitude  upon  what  he  finally  postscrapped, 
{d)  after  it's  so  long  till  I  thanked  you  about  I  do  so  much  now 
thank  you  so  very  much  as  you  introduced  me  to  fourks,  (e)  will, 
these  remind  to  be  sane?  (/)  Fool  step!  Aletheometry?  Or  just 
zoot  doon  floon? 

Nut  it  out,  peeby  eye!  Onamassofmancynaves. 

But.  Top. 

You  were  in  the  same  boat  of  yourselves  too,  Getobodoff  or 
Treamplasurin;  and  you  receptionated  the  most  diliskious  of 
milisk;  which  it  all  flowowered  your  drooplin  dunlearies:  but 
dribble  a  drob  went  down  your  rothole.  Meaning,  Kelly,  Grimes, 
Phelan,  Mollanny,  O'Brien,  MacAlister,  Sealy,  Coyle,  Hynes- 
Joynes,  Naylar-Traynor,  Courcy  de  Courcy  and  Gilligan-Goll. 

Stunner  of  oddstodds  on  bluebleeding  boarhorse!  What 
soresen's  head  subrises  thus  tous  out  of  rumpumplikun  oak  with, 
well,  we  cannot  say  whom  we  are  looking  like  through  his  now- 
face.'^  It  is  of  Noggens  whilk  dusts  the  bothsides  of  the  seats  of  the 
bigslaps  of  the  bogchaps  of  the  porlarbaar  of  the  marringaar  of  the 
Lochlunn  gonlannludder  of  the  feof  of  the  foef  of  forfummed 
Ship-le-Zoyd. 

Boumce!  It  is  polisignstunter.  The  Sockerson  boy.  To  pump 
the  fire  of  the  lewd  into  those  soulths  of  bauchees,  havsouse- 
dovers,  tillfellthey  deadwar  knootvindict.  An  whele  time  he  was 
rancing  there  smutsy  floskons  nodunder  ycholerd  for  their 
poopishers,  ahull  onem  Fyre  maynoother  endnow!  Shatten  up 
ship!  Bouououmce!  Nomo  clandoilskins  cheakinlevers !  All 
ashored  for  Capolic  Gizzards!  Stowlaway  there,  glutany  of 

370 


stainks !  Porterfillyers  and  spirituous  suncksters,  oooom  oooom ! 

As  these  vitupetards  in  his  boasum  he  did  strongleholder, 
bushbrows,  nobblynape,  swinglyswanglers,  sunkentrunk,  that 
from  tin  of  this  clucken  hadded  runced  slapottleslup.  For  him 
had  hord  from  fard  a  piping.  As?  Of? 

Dour  douchy  was  a  sieguldson.  He  cooed  that  loud  nor  he 
was  young.  He  cud  bad  caw  nor  he  was  gray  Like  wather  parted 
from  the  say.  J 

Ostia,  lift  it!  Lift  at  it,  Ostia!  From  the  say !  Away  from  the  say! 

Himhim.  Himhim. 

Hearhasting  he,  himmed,  reromembered  all  the  chubbs,  chipps, 
chaffs,  chuckinpucks  and  chayney  chimebells  That  he  had  mistri- 
buted  in  port,  pub,  park,  pantry  and  poultryhouse.  While  they, 
thered,  the  others,  that  are,  were  most  emulously  concerned  to 
cupturing  the  last  dropes  of  summour  down  through  their 
grooves  of  blarneying.  Ere  the  sockson  locked  at  the  dure.  Which 
he  would,  shuttinshure.  And  lave  them  to  sture. 

For  be  all  rules  of  sport  'tis  right  That  youth  bedower'd  to 
charm  the  night  Whilst  age  is  dumped  to  mind  the  day  When 
wather  parted  from  the  say. 
cfy-  The  humming,  it's  coming.  Insway  onsway. 

Fingool  MacKishgmard  Obesume  Burgearse  Benefice,  He  was 
bowen  hem  and  scrapin  him  in  recolcitrantament  to  the  right- 
about And  these  probenopubblicoes  clamatising  for  an  extinsion 
on  his  hostillery  With  his  chargehand  bombing  their  eres.  Tids, 
genmen,  plays,  she  been  goin  shoother  off  almaynoother  on- 
awares. 

You  here  nort  farwellens  rouster?  Ashiffle  ashuffle  the  wayve 
they. 

From  Dancingtree  till  Suttonstone  There's  lads  no  lie  would! 
filch  a  crown  To  mull  their  sack  and  brew  their  tay  With  wather 
parted  from  the  say.  J 

Lelong  Awaindhoo's  a  selverbourne  enrouted  to  Rochelle 
Lane  and  liberties  those  Mullinguard  minstrelsers  are  marshal- 
sing,  par  tunepiped  road,  under  where,  perked  on  hollowy  hill,  that 
poor  man  of  Lyones,  good  Dook  Weltington,  hugon  come  er- 

371 


rindwards,  had  hircomed  to  the  belles  bows  and  been  cutat- 
trapped  by  the  mausers.  Now  is  it  town  again,  londmear  of  Dub- 
lin !  And  off  coursse  the  toller,  pies  the  dotter  of  his  eyes  with 
her:  Moke  the  Wanst,  whye  doe  we  aime  alike  a  pose  of  poeter 
peaced?  While  the  dumb  he  shoots  the  shopper  rope.  And  they 
all  pour  forth.  Sans  butly  Tuppeter  Sowyer,  the  rouged  engene- 
rand,  a  barttler  of  the  beauyne,  still  our  benjamin  liefest,  some- 
time franklin g  to  thise  citye,  whereas  bigrented  him  a  piers  half 
subporters  for  his  arms,  Josiah  Pipkin,  Amos  Love,  Raoul  Le  Feb- 
ber,  Blaize  Taboutot,  Jeremy  Yopp,  Francist  de  Loomis,  Hardy 
Smith  and  Sequin  Pettit  followed  by  the  snug  saloon  seanad  of 
our  Cafe  Beranger.  The  scenictutors. 

Because  they  wonted  to  get  out  by  the  goatweigh  afore  the  sheep 
was  looset  for  to  wish  the  Wobbleton  Whiteleg  Welshers  kailly- 
kailly  kellykekkle  and  savebeck  to  Brownhazelwood  from  all  the 
dinnasdoolins  on  the  labious  banks  of  their  swensewn  snewwes- 
ner,  turned  again  weastinghome,  by  Danesbury  Common,  and 
they  onely,  duoly,  thruely,  fairly  after  rainydraining  founty- 
buckets  (chalkem  up,  hemptyempty !)  till  they  caught  the  wind 
abroad  (alley  loafers  passinggeering !)  all  the  rockers  on  the 
roads  and  all  the  boots  in  the  stretes. 

Oh  dere!  Ah  hoy! 

Last  ye,  lundsmin,  hasty  hosty!  For  an  anondation  of  miri- 
fication  and  the  lutification  of  our  paludination. 

His  bludgeon's  bruk,  his  drum  is  tore.  For  spuds  we'll  keep  the 
hat  he  wore  And  roll  in  clover  on  his  clay  By  wather  parted 
from  the  say. 

Hray !  Free  rogue  Mountone  till  Dew  Mild  Well  to  corry  awen 
and  glowry!  Are  now  met  by  Brownaboy  Fuinnninuinn's  former 
for  a  lyncheon  partyng  of  his  burgherbooh.  The  Shanavan 
Wacht.  Rantinroarin  Batteries  Dorans.  And  that  whistling  thief, 
O'  Ryne  O'Rann.  With  a  catch  of  her  cunning  like  and  nowhere 
a  keener. 

The  for  eolders  were  aspolootly  at  their  wetsend  in  the  mailing 
waters,  trying  to.  Hide!  Seek!  Hide!  Seek!  Because  number  one 
lived  at  Bothersby  North  and  he  was  trying  to.  Hide!  Seek!  Hide! 

372 


Seek!  And  number  two  digged  up  Poors  Coort,  Soother,  trying 
to.  Hide!  Seek!  Hide!  Seek!  And  nomber  three  he  sleeped  with 
Lilly  Tekkles  at  The  Eats  and  he  was  trying  to.  Hide!  Seek! 
Hide!  Seek!  And  the  last  with  the  sailalloyd  donggie  he  was 
berthed  on  the  Moherboher  to  the  Washte  and  they  were  all  try- 
ing to  and  baffling  with  the  waiters  of,  hoompsydoompsy  waiters 
of.  High!  Sink!  High!  Sink!  Highohigh!  Sinkasink! 
Waves. 

The  gangstairs  strain  and  anger's  up  As  Hoisty  rares  the  can 
and  cup  To  speed  the  bogre's  barque  away  O'er  wather  parted 
from  the  say. 

Horkus  chiefest  ebblynuncies ! 

—  He  shook  be  ashaped  of  hempshelves,  hiding  that  shepe  in 
his  goat.  And  for  rassembling  so  bearfellsed  the  magreedy 
prince  of  Roger.  Thuthud.  Heigh  hohse,  heigh  hohse,  our  kin- 
dom  from  an  orse!  Bruni  Lanno's  woollies  on  Brani  Lonni's 
hairyparts.  And  the  hunk  in  his  trunk  it  would  be  an  insalt  foul 
the  matter  of  that  cellaring  to  a  pigstrough.  Stop  his  laysense. 
Ink  him !  You  would  think  him  Alddaublin  staking  his  lordsure  like 
a  gourd  on  puncheon.  Deblinity  devined.  Wholehunting  the  pairk 
on  a  methylogical  mission  whenever  theres  imberillas !  And  call- 
ing Rina  Roner  Reinette  Ronayne.  To  what  mine  answer  is  a 
lemans.  Arderleys,  beedles  and  postbillers  heard  him.  Three 
points  to  one.  Ericus  Vericus  corrupted  into  ware  eggs.  Dummy 
up,  distillery!  Broree  aboo!  Run  him  a  johnsgate  down  jameses- 
lane.  Begetting  a  wife  which  begame  his  niece  by  pouring  her 
youngthings  into  skintighs.  That  was  when  he  had  dizzy  spells. 
Till  Gladstools  Pillools  made  him  ride  as  the  mall.  Thanks  to  his 
huedobrass  beerd.  Lodenbroke  the  Longman,  now  he  canseels 
under  veerious  persons  but  is  always  that  Rorke  relly!  On  con- 
sideration for  the  musickers  he  ought  to  have  down  it.  Pass  out 
your  cheeks,  why  daunt  you!  Penalty,  please!  There  you'll  know 
how  warder  barded  the  bollhead  that  parssed  our  alley.  We  just 
are  upsidedown  singing  what  ever  the  dimkims  mummur  alla- 
lilty  she  pulls  inner  out  heads.  This  is  not  the  end  of  this  by  no 
manners  means.  When  you've  bled  till  you're  bone  it  crops  out 

373 


in  your  flesh.  To  tell  how  your  mead  of,  mard,  is  made  of.  All  old 
Dadgerson's  dodges  one  conning  one's  copying  and  that's  what 
wonderland's  wanderlad'll  flaunt  to  the  fair.  A  trancedone  boy- 
script  with  tittivits  by.  Ahem.  You'll  read  it  tomorrow,  marn, 
when  the  curds  on  the  table.  A  nigg  for  a  nogg  and  a  thrate  for 
a  throte.  The  auditor  learns.  Still  pumping  on  Torkenwhite  Rad- 
lumps,  Lencs.  In  preplays  to  Anonymay's  left  hinted  palinode 
obviously  inspiterebbed  by  a  sibspecious  connexion.  Note  the 
notes  of  admiration!  See  the  signs  of  suspicion!  Count  the  hemi- 
semidemicolons !  Screamer  caps  and  invented  gommas,  quoites 
puntlost,  forced  to  farce !  The  pipette  will  say  anything  at  all  for 
a  change.  And  you  know  what  aglove  means  in  the  Murdrus  due- 
luct !  Fewer  to  feud  and  rompant  culotticism,  a  fugle  for  the  glee- 
men  and  save,  sit  and  sew.  And  a  pants  outsizinned  on  the 
Doughertys'  duckboard  pointing  to  peace  at  home.  In  some, 
lawanorder  on  lovinardor.  Wait  till  we  hear  the  Boy  of  Biskop 
reeling  around  your  postoral  lector!  Epistlemadethemology  for 
deep  dorfy  doubtlings.  As  we'll  lay  till  break  of  day  in  the  bunk  of 
basky,  O!  Our  island,  Rome  and  duty!  Well  tried,  buckstiff!  Batt 
in,  boot !  Sell  him  a  breach  contact,  the  vendoror,  the  buylawyer ! 
One  hyde,  sack,  hie!  Two  stick  hoist.  Lucky!  Finnish  Make  Goal! 
First  you  were  Nomad,  next  you  were  Namar,  now  you're  Nu- 
mah  and  it's  soon  you'll  be  Nomon.  Hence  counsels  Ecclesiast. 
There's  every  resumption.  The  forgein  ofhls  is  on  the  shove  to 
lay  you  out  dossier.  Darby's  in  the  yard,  planning  it  on  you,  plot 
and  edgings,  the  whispering  peeler  after  cooks  wearing  an  infor- 
mation. The  find  of  his  kind !  An  artist,  sir !  And  dirt  cheap  at 
a  sovereign  a  skull!  He  knows  his  Finsbury  Follies  backwoods 
so  you  batter  see  to  your  regent  refutation.  Ascare  winde  is  rifing 
again  about  nice  boys  going  native.  You  know  who  was  wrote 
about  in  the  Orange  Book  of  Estchapel?  Basil  and  the  two  other 
men  from  King's  Avenance.  Just  press  this  cold  brand  against 
your  brow  for  a  mow.  Gainfully!  The  sinus  the  curse.  That's  it. 
Hung  Ghung  Egglyfella  now  speak  he  tell  numptywumpty  top- 
sawys  belongahim  pidgin.  Secret  things  other  persons  place  there 
covered  not.  How  you  fell  from  story  to  story  like  a  sagasand 

374 


far 


to  lie.  Enfilmung  infirmity.  On  the  because  alleging  to  having  a 
finger^  fudding  in  pudding  and  pie.  And  here's  the  witnesses. 
Glue  on  to  him,  Greevy!  Bottom  anker,  Noordeece!  And  kick 
kick  killykick  for  the  house  that  juke  built!  Wait  till  they  send 
you  to  sleep,  scowpow!  By  jurors'  cruces!  Then  old  Hunphy- 
dunphyville'll  be  blasted  to  bumboards  by  the  youthful  herald 
who  would  once  you  were.  He'd  be  our  chosen  one  in  the  matter 
of  Brittas  more  than  anarthur.  But  we'll  wake  and  see.  The  wholes 
poors  riches  of  ours  hundreds  of  manhoods  and  womhoods.  Two      ^  ^yiiAJj<- 
cents,  two  mills  and  two  myrds.  And  it's  all  us  rangers  you'll  be       fti  f^'^ 
facing  in  the  box  before  the  twelfth  correctional.  Like  one  man, 
gell.  Between  all  the  Misses  Mountsackvilles  in  their  halfmoon 
haemicycles,  gasping  to  giddies  to  dye  for  the  shame.  Just  hold 
hard  till  the  one  we  leapt  out  gets  her  yearing!  Hired  in  cameras, 
extra!  With  His  Honour  Surpacker  on  the  binge.  So  yelp  your 
guilt  and  kitz  the  buck.  You'll  have  loss  of  fame  from  Wimme- 
^ame's  fake.  Forwards !  One  bully  son  growing  the  goff  and  his 
twinger  read  out  by  the^Nazi  Priers.  You  fought  as  how  they'd 
never  woxen  up,  did  you,  crucket.'^  It  will  wecker  your  earse,  that 
itwiUl!  When  hives  the  court  to  exchequer  'tis  the  child  which 
gives  the  sire  away.  Good  for  you,  Richmond  Rover!  Scrum 
around,  our  side!  Let  him  have  another  between  the  spindlers!  A 
grand  game!  Dalymount's  decisive.  Don  Gouverneur  Buckley's         ^  jl^^^jC 
in  the  Tara  Tribune,  sporting  the  insides  of  a  Rhutian  Jhanaral  ^"^^trS^^ 
and  little  Mrs  Ex-Skaerer-Sissers  is  bribing  the  halfpricers  to  pray  ^^^^ 
for  her  widower  in  his  gravest  embazzlement.  You  on  her,  hosy    >  * 
jigses,  that'll  be  some  nonstop  marrimont!  You  in  your  stolen     l'1^^6?  S 
mace  and  anvil,  Magnes,  and  her  burrowed  in  Berkness  cirrchus  ^^,^J^.^^k^^.J^ 
clouthses.  Fummuccumul  with  a  graneen  aveiled.  Playing  down 
the  slavey  touch.  Much  as  she  was  when  the  fancy  cutter  out  col-  ,  ^ 

lecting  milestones  espied  her  aseesaw  on  a  fern.  So  nimb,  he  said, 
a  dat  of  dew.  Between  Furr-y-Benn  and  Ferr-y-Bree.  In  this  tear 
Vikloe  vich  he  lofed.  The  smiling  ever.  If  you  pulls  me  over  pay 
me,  prhyse  !  A  talor  would  adapt  his  caulking  trudgers  on  to  any 
shape  at  see^Address^  deceitfold  of  wovens  weard.  The  wonder 
of  the  women  of  the  world  together,  moya!  And  the  lovablest 


375 

3 


Lima  since  Ineen  MacCormick  MacCoort  MacConn  O'Puckins 
MacKundred.  Only  but  she  is  a  little  width  wider  got.  Be  moving 
abog.  You  cannot  make  a  limousine  lady  out  of  a  hillman  minx.  ^(Pf 
Listun  till  you'll  hear  the  Mudquirt  accent.  This  is  a  bulgen 
heresies,  this  is  wollan  indulgencies,  this  is  a  flemsh.\Tik^  Scapu- 
lars, beads  and  a  stump  of  a  candle,  Hubert  was  a  Hunter,  chemins 
I  f  de  la  croixes  and  Rosairette's  e_ggj,all  the  trimmings  off  the  tree 
that  she  picked  up  after  the  Clontarf  voterloost  when  O' Bryan 
MacBruiser  bet  Norris  Nobnut.  Becracking  his  cucconut  be- 
tween his  kknneess.  Umpthump,  Here  Inkeeper,  it's  the  doater- 
een's  wednessmorn!  Delphin  dringing!  Grusham  undergang! 
And  the  Real  Hymemians  strenging  strong  at  knocker  knocker! 
Holy  and  massalltolled.  You  ought  to  tak  a  dos  of  frut.  JiL' 
Sauss.  You're  getting  hoovier,  a  twelve  stone  hoovier,  fullends 
a  twelve  stone  hoovier,  in  your  corpus  entis  and  it  scurves  you 
right,  demnye!  Aunt  as  unclish  ams  they  make  oom.  ButNichtia 
\  f\,  frxt'  you  bound  not  to  loose's  gone  on  Neffin  since  she  clapped  her 
charmer  on  him  at  Gormagareen.  At  the  Gifting  Munting  Hunt- 
ing Putting.  The  eitch  is  in  her  blood,  arrah !  For  a  frecklesome 
freshcheeky  sweetworded  lupsqueezer.  And  he  shows  how  he'll 
pick  him  the  lock  of  her  fancy.  Poghue!  Poghue!  Poghue!  And 
a  good  jump,  Powell !  Clean  over  all  their  heads.  We  could  kiss 
him  for  that  one,  couddled  we,  Huggins?  Sparkes  is  the  footer^ 
^^•2-  (  '  J^^  hance  off  nancies.  Scaldhead,  pursue !  Before  you  bunkledoodle 
down  upon  your  birchentop  again  after  them  three  blows  from 
time,  drink  and  hurry.  The  same  three  that  nursed  you.  Skerry, 
Badbols  and  the  Grey  One.  All  of  your  own  club  too.  With  the 
fistful  of  burryberries  were  for  the  massus  for  to  feed  you  living 
in  dying.  Buy  bran  biscuits  and  you'll  never  say  dog.  And  be 
in  the  finest  of  companies.  Morialtay  and  Kniferope  Walker  and 
Rowley  the  Barrel.  With  Longbow  of  the  lie.  Slick  of  the  trick 
and  Blennercassel  of  the  brogue.  Clanruckard  for  ever!  The 
Fenn,  the  Fenn,  the  k inn  of  all  Fenns!  Deaf  to  the  winds  when 
for  Croonacreena.  Fisht!  And  it's  not  now  saying  how  we  are 
where  who's  softing  what  rushes.  Merryvirgin  forbed!  But  of 
they  never  eat  soullfriede  they're  ating  it  now.  With  easter 

376 


■rrr  i^f 


p 


greeding.  Angus!  Angus!  Angus!  The  keykeeper  of  the  keys  of 
the  jesj^n  doors  of  the  dreamadoory  in  the  house  of  the  house- 
hold^ of  ^tjecech^)saysaith.  Whitmore,  whatmore?  Give  it  over, 
give  it  up!  Mawgraw!  Head  of  a  helo,  chesth  of  champgnon, 
of  a  gull!  What  you'd  if  he'd.  The  groom  is  in  the  greenhouse, 
gattling  out  his.  Gun!  That  lad's  the  style  for.  Lannigan's  ball! 
Now  a  drive  on  the  naval!  The  Shallburn  Shock.  Never  mind 
k/^eyour  gibbous.  Slip  on  your  ropen  collar  and  draw  the  noosebag 
on  your  head.  Nobody  will  know  or  heed  you,  Postumus,  if  you 
skip  round  schlymartin  by  the  back  and  come  front  sloomutren 
to  beg  in  one  of  the  shavers'  sailorsuits.  Three  climbs  three- 
quickenthrees  in  the  garb  of  nine.  We'll  split  to  see  you  mouldem 
imparvious.  A  wing  for  oldboy  Welsey  Wandrer!  Well  spat, 
witty  wagtail!  Now  piawn  to  bishop's  forthe!  Moove.  There's 
Mumblesome  Wadding  Murch  cranking  up  to  the  hornemooni- 
um.  Drawg  us  out  Ivy  Eve  in  the  Hall  of  Alum !  The  finnecies  of 
j)oetry  wed  music.  Feeling  the  jitters?  You'll  be  as  tight  as  Trivett 
when  the  knot's  knutted  on.  Now's  your  never !  JPgena  and,  p 
^^ueena  are  duetting  a  giggle-for-giggle  and  the  brideen  Alan- 
nah  is  lost  in  her  diamindwaiting.  What  a  magnificent  gesture  j 
you  will  show  us  this  gallus  day.  Clean  and  easy,  be  the  hooker  !^  PGl.  ® 
And  a  free  for  croaks  after.  Dovlen  are  out  for  it.  So  is  Rathfinn. 
And,  hike,  here's  the  hearse  and  four  horses  with  the  interpro- 
vincial  crucifixioners  throwing  lots  inside  to  know  whose  to  be 
their  gosson  and  whereas  to  brake  the  news  to  morhor.  How 
our  myterbilder  his  fullen  aslip.  And  who  will  wager  but  he'll 
Shonny  Bhoy  be,  the  fleshlumpfleeter  from  Poshtapengha  and  all 
he  bares  sobsconcious  inklings  shadowed  on  soulskin.  Its  segnet  "  J 
yores,  the  strake  of  a  hin.  Nup.  Laying  the  cloth,  to  fore  of  them. 
And  thanking  the  fish,  in  core  of  them.  To  pass  the  grace  for 
Gard  sake!  Ahmohn.  Mr  Justician  Matthews  and  Mr  Justician 
Marks  and  Mr  Justician  Luk  de  Luc  and  Mr  Justinian  Johnston- 
Johnson.  And  the  aaskart,  see,  behind !  Help,  help,  hurray !  All- 
sup,  allsop!  Four  ghools  to  nail!  Cut  it  down,  mates,  look  slippy! 
They've  got  a  dathe  with  a  swimminpull.  Dang!  Ding!  Dong! 
Dung!  Dinnin.  Isn't  it  great  he  is  swaying  above  us  for  his  good 

377 


and  ours.  Fly  your  balloons,  dannies  and  dennises!  He's  door- 
knobs dead!  And  Annie  Delap  is  free!  Ones  more.  We  could 
ate  you,  par  Buccas,  and  imbabe  through  you,  reassuranced  in 
the  wild  lac  of  godiness.  One  fledge,  one  brood  till  hulm 
culms  evurdyburdy.  Huh  the  throman!  Huh  the  traidor.  Huh 
the  truh.  Arrorsure,  he's  the  mannork  of  Arrahland  over- 
sense  he  horrhorrd  his  name  in  thuthunder.  Rrrwwwkkkrrr ! 
And  seen  it  rudden  up  in  fusefiressence  on  the  flashmurket. 
P.R.C.R.L.L.  Royloy.  Of  the  rollorrish  rattillary.  The  lewd- 
ningbluebolteredallucktruckalltraumconductor!  The  unnamed 
nonirishblooder  that  becomes  a  Greenislender  overnight!  But 
we're  molting  superstituettes  out  of  his  fulse  thortin  guts.  Tried 
mark,  Easterlings.  Sign,  Soideric  O'Cunnuc,  Rix.  Ad  versed  ord, 
Magtmorken,  Kovenhow.  There's  a  great  conversion,  myn !  Cou- 
cous!  Find  his  causcaus!  From  Motometusolum  through  Bulley 
and  Cowlie  and  Diggerydiggerydock  down  to  bazeness's  usual.'^ 
He's  alight  there  still,  by  Mike!  Loose  afore!  Bung!  Bring  forth 
your  deed!  Bang!  Till  is  the  right  time.  Bang!  Partick  Thistle 
agen  S.  Megan's  versus  Brystal  Palace  agus  the  Walsall !  Putsch ! 
Tiemore  moretis  tisturb  badday!  The  playgue  will  be  soon  over, 
rats!  Let  sin!  Geh  tont!  All  we  wants  is  to  get  peace  for  posses- 
sion. We  dinned  unnerstunned  why  you  sassad  about  thurteen 
to  aloafen,  sor,  kindly  repeat!  Or  ledn  us  alones  of  your  lungorge, 
parsonifier  propounde  of  our  edelweissed  idol  worts!  Shaw  and 
Shea  are  lorning  obsen  so  burgle  up,  gandfarder,  and  gurgle  me 
gurk.  You  can't  impose  on  frayshouters  like  os.  Every  tub  here 
spucks  his  own  fat.  Hang  coersion  everyhow!  And  smotther- 
mock  Gramm's  laws!  But  we're  a,drippindhrue^ayleague  all  at 
"ones'.  In  the  buginning  is  the  T^oid,  in  the  muddle  is  the  sound- 
dance  and  thereinofter  you're  in  the  unbewised  again,  vund 
vulsyvolsy.  You  talker  dunsker's  brogue  men  we  our  souls 
speech  obstruct  hostery.  Silence  in  thouglit!  Spreach !  Wear 
anartful  of  outer,  noceiise !  Pawpaw,  wowow!  Momerry  twelfths, 
noebroed!  That  was  a  good  one,  ha!  So  it  will  be  quite  a  material 
what  May  farther  be  unvuloped  for  you,  old  Mighty^  when  it's 
aped  to  foul  a  delfian  in  die  Malinung.  Ha  ha!  Talk  of  Paddy- 

378 


: 


barke's  echo!  Kick  nuck,  Knockcastle!  Muck!  And  you'll  nose  it, 
O  you'll  nose  it,  without  warnward  from  we.  We  don't  know  the 
sendor  to  whome.  But  you'll  find  Chiggenchugger's  taking  the 
Treaclyshortcake  with  Bugle  and  the  Bitch  pairsadrawsing  and 
Horssmayres  Prosession  tyghting  up  under  the  threes.  SXQJ^ 
Press  stop.  To  press  stop.  AIL  to  press  stop.  And  be  the  seem 
talkin  wharabahts  hosetanzies,  dat  sure  is  siillibrated  word !  Bing 
bong !  Saxolooter,  for  congesters  are  salders'  prey.  Snap  it  up  in 
the  loose,  patchy  the  blank!  Anyone  can  see  you're  the  son  of  a 
gmmdl.  Fellow  him  up  too,  Carlow!  Woes  to  the  worm- 
quashed,  aye,  and  wor  to  the  winner!  Think  of  Aerian's  Wall  and 
the  Fall  of  Toss.  Give  him  another  for  to  volleyholleydoodlem ! 
His  lights  not  all  out  yet,  the  liverpooser!  Boohoohoo  it  oose! 
With  seven  hores^ always  in  the  home  of  his  thinkingthings,  his 
nodsloddledome  of  his  noiselisslesoughts.  Two  Jdas,  two  Eyas^ 
two  Nessies  and  Rubyjuby.  Phook!  No  wonder,  pipes  as  kirles, 
that  he  sthings  like  a  rheinbok.  One  bed  night  he  had  the  dely- 
siums  that  they  were  an^queens  mobbing  him.  Fell  stiff.  Oh, 
ho,  ho,  ho,  ah,  he,  he!  Abedicate  yoursglf.  It  just  gegs  our  goad. 
He'll  be  the  deaf  of  us,  pappappoppopcuddle,  samblind  daiy- 
£udder.  Yus,  sord,  fathe,  you  woll,  putty  our  wraughther! 
What  we  waits  be  after  Whyfore  we  come  agooding.'^  None  of 
you,  cock  icy!  You  keep  that ^enayearn  and  her  fortycantle  glim 
iookbehinder.  We  might  do  with  rubiny  leeses.  But  of  all  your 
wanings  send  us^.Qut  your  peppydecked  ales  and  you'll  not  be 
such  a  bad  lot.  The  rye  is  well  for  whose  amind  but  the  wheateny 
one  is  proper  lovely.  B  E  N  K!  We  sincerestly  trust  that  Missus 
with  the  kiddies  of  sweet  Gorteen  has  not  B  I  N  K  to  their  very 
least  tittles  deranged  if  in  B  U  N  K  and  we  greesiously  augur  for 
your  Meggers  a  BEN  K  B  A  N  K  B  O  N  K  to  sloop^in  with 
all  sorts  of  adceterus  and  adsaturas.  It's  our  last  fight,  Megantic, 
fear  you  will!  The  refergee's  took  to  hailing  to  time  the  pass. 
There  goes  the  blackwatchwomen,  all  in  white,  flaxed  up,  pur- 
gad!  Right  toe,  Armitage!  Tem  for  Tam  at  Timmotty  Hall! 
We're  been  carried  away.  Beyond  bournes  and  bowers.  So  we'll 
leave  it  to  Keyhoe,  Danelly  and  Pykemhyme,  the  three  muskrat- 

379 


) 


4-  y  A*/^ 


eers,  at  the  end  of  this  age  that  had  it  from  Variants'  Katey 
Sherratt  that  had  it  from  Variants'  Katey  Sherratt's  man  for  the 
bonnefacies  of  Blashwhite  and  Blushred  of  the  Aquasancta,  Liffey 
Patrol  to  wind  up  and  to  tells  of  all  befells  after  that  to  Mocked 
Majesty  in  the  Malincurred  Mansion. 

So  you  were  saying,  boys?  Anyhow  he  what? 

So  anyhow,  melumps  and  mumpos  of  the  hoose  uncommons, 
after  that  to  wind  up  that  longtobechronickled  gettogether 
thanksbetogiving  day  at  Glenfinnisk-en-la-Valle,  the  anniver- 
sary of  his_finst  Jiomy  commulion,  after  that  same  barbecue  bean- 
feast was  all  over  poor  old  hospitable  corn  and^eggfactor,  King 
Roderick  O'Conor,  the  paramount  chief  polemarch  and  last  pre- 
electric  king  of  Ireland^  who  was  anything  you  say  yourself  be- 
tween fiftyodd  and  fiftyeven  years  of  age  at  the  time  after  the 
socalled  last  supper  he  greatly  gave  in  his  umbrageous  house  of 
the  hundred  bottles  with  the  radio  beamer  tower  andjts  hangars, 
^himbneys  and_ecjuilines  or,  at  least,  he  was'nt  actually  the  then 
last  king  of  all  Ireland  for  the  time  being  for  the  jolly  good 
reason  that  he  was  still  such  as  he  was  the  eminent  king  of  all 
Ireland  himself  after  the  last  preeminent  king  of  all  Ireland,  the 
whilom  joky  old  top  that  went  before  him  in  the  Taharan  dy- 
nasty. King  Arth  Mockmorrow  Koughenough  of  the  leathered 
leggions,  now  of  parts  unknown,  (God  guard  his  generous 
comicsongbook  soul!)  that  put  a  poached  fowl  in  the  poor  man's 
pot  before  he  took  to  his  pallyass  with  the  weeping  eczema  for 
ftJ^i  ■  better  and  worse  until  he  went  under  the  grass  quilt  on  us,  never- 
theless, the  year  the  sugar  was  scarce,  and  we  to  lather  and  shave 
and  frizzle  him,  like  a  bald  surging  buoy  and  himself  down 
to  three  cows  that  was  meat  and  drink  and  dogs  and  washing 
to  him,  'tis  good  cause  we  have  to  remember  it,  going  through 
summersultryngs  of  snow  and  sleet  witht  the  widow  Nolan's 
goats  and  the  Brownes  girls  neats  anyhow,  wait  till  I  tell  you, 
what  did  he  do,  poor  old  Roderick  O'Conor  Rex,  the  aus- 
'  picious  waterproof  monarch  of  all  Ireland^  when  he  found  him- 

self all  alone  by  himself  in  his  grand  old  handwedown  pile  after 
all  of  them  had  all  gone  off  with  themselves  to  their  castles  of 

380 


I 


mud,  as  best  they  cud,  on  footback,  owing  to  the  leak  of  the 
McCarthy's  mare,  in  extended  order,  a  tree's  length  from  the 
longest  way  out,  down  the  switchbackward  slidder  of  the  land- 
sown  route  of  Hauburnea's  liveliest  vinnage  on  the  brain,  the  ^ 
unimportant  Parthalonians  with  the  mouldy  Firbolgs  and  the 
Tuatha  de  Danaan  googs  and  the  ramblers  from  Clane  and  all 
the  rest  of  the  notmuchers  that  he  did  not  care  the  royal  spit  out  \m 
of  his^stensible  mouth  about,  well,  what  do  you  think  he  did, 
sir,  but,  faix^  he  just  went  heeltapping  through  the  winespilth 
and  weevily  popcorks  that  were  kneedeep  round  his  own  right  ^^^jL«^ 
royal  round  rollicking  toper's  table,  with  his  old  Roderick  Ran-  f 
dom  pullon  hat  at  a  Lanty  Leary  cant  on  him  and  Mike  Brady's 
shirt  and  Greene's  linnet  collarbow  and  his  Ghenter's  gaunts  and 
his  Macclefield's  swash  and  his  readymade  Reillys  and  his  pan- 
prestuberian  poncho,  the  body  you'd  pity  him,  the  way  the  world 
is,  poor  he,  the  heart  of  Midleinster  and  the  supereminent  lord  of  ^ 
them  all,  overwhelmed  as  he  was  with  black  ruin  like  a  sponge 
out  of  water,  allocutioning  in  bellcantos  to  his  own  oliverian 
society  MacGuiney's  Dreans  of  Ergen  Adams  and  thruming 
through  all  to  himself  with  diversed  tonguesed  through  his  old 
tears  and  his  ould  plaised  drawl,  starkened  by  the  most  regal  of 
belches,  like  a  blurney  Cashelmagh  crooner  that  lerking  Clare 
air,  the  blackberd's  ballad  Pve  a  terrible  errible  lot  todue  todie 
todue  tootorribleday^  well,  what  did  he  go  and  do  at  all.  His  Most  j 
Exuberant  Majesty  King  Roderick  O'Conor  but,  arrah  bedamnbut, 
he  finalised  by  lowering  his  woolly  throat  with  the  wonderful 
mo  i/^cmidnight  thirst  was  on  him,  as  keen  as  mustard,  he  could  not  tell 
what  he  did  ale,  that  bothered  he  was  from  head  to  tail,  and, 
wishawishawish,  leave  it,  what  the  Irish,  boys,  can  do,  if  he  did'nt 
go,  sliggymaglooral  reemyround  and  suck  up,  sure  enough,  like 
a  Trojan,  in  some  particular  cases  with  the  assistance  of  his  vene- 
rated tongue,  whatever  surplus  rotgut,  sorra  much,  was  left  by  the 
lazy  lousers  of  maltknights  and  beerchurls  in  the  different  bot- 
toms of  the  various  different  replenquished  drinking  utensils  left 
there  behind  them  on  the  premisses  by  that  whole  hogsheaded 
firkin  family,  the  departed  honourable  homegoers  and  other  sly- 

381 


grogging  suburbanites,  such  as  it  was,  fall  and  fall  about,  to  the 
brindishing  of  his  charmed  life,  as  toastified  by  his  cheeriubi- 
cundenances,no  matter  whether  it  was  chateaubottled  Guiness's 
or  Phoenix  brewery  stout  it  was  or  John  Jameson  and  Sons  or 
Roob  Coccola  or,  for  the  matter  of  that,  O'Connell's  famous  old 
Dublin  ale  that  he  wanted  like  hell,  more  that  halibut  oil  or 
jesuits  tea,  as  a  fall  back,  of  several  different  quantities  and  quali- 
ties amounting  in  all  to,  I  should  say,  considerably  more  than  the 
better  part  of  a  gill  or  naggin  of  imperial  dry  and  liquid  measure 
till,  welcome  be  from  us  here,  till  the  rising  of  the  mom,  till  that 
hen  of  Kaven's  shows  her  beaconegjg,  and  Chapwellswendows 
stain  our  horyhistoricold  and  Father  MacMichael  stamps  for 
aitch  o'clerk  mess  and  the  Litvian  Newestlatter  is  seen^  sold  and 
delivered  and  all's  set  for  restart  after  the  silence,  like  his  ancestors  I 
to  this  day  after  him  (that  the  blazings  of  their  ouldmouldy  gods 
may  attend  to  them  we  pray!),  overopposides  the  cowery  lad  in 
the  corner  and  forenenst  the  staregaze  of  the  cathering  candled, 
that  adornment  of  his  album  and  folkenfather  of  familyans,  he 
came  acrash  a  crupper  sort  of  a  sate  on  accomondation  and  the 
very  boxst  in  all  his  composs,  whereuponce,  behome  the  fore 
for  cove  and  trawlers,  heave  hone,  leave  lone,  Larry's  on  the 
focse  ^d  Faugh  MacHugh  O'Bawlar  at  the  wheel,  one  to  do  and 
one  to  dare,  par  by  par,  a  peerless  pair,  ever  here  and  over  there, 
/  with  his  fol  the  dee  oil  the  doo  on  the  flure  of  his  feats  and  the 

/     feels  of  the  fumes  in  the  wakes  of  his  ears  our  wineman  from 

V     Barley  home  he  just  slumped  to  throne.         '  t  ^ 

So  sailed  the  stout  ship  Nansy  Hans.  From  Liff  away.  For 
Nattenlaender.  As  who  has  come  returns.  Farvel,  farerne  1  Good- 
bark,  goodbye! 

Now  follow  we  out  by  Starloe! 


382 


♦ 


( 


—  Three  quarks  for  Muster  Mark! 

Sure  he  hasnt  got  much  of  a  hark 

And  sure  any  he  has  it's  all  beside  the  mark. 

But  0,  Wreneagle  Almighty,  wouldn't  un  he  a  sky  of  a  lark 

To  see  that  old  bu^ard  whooping  about  for  uns  shirt  in  the  dark 

And  he  hunting  round  for  uns  speckled  trousers  around  by  Palmer- 

stown  Park? 
Hohohoho^  moulty  Mark! 

You  re  the  rummest  old  rooster  ever  flopped  out  of  a  Noah's  ark 

And  you  think  you  re  cock  of  the  wark. 

Fowls y  up!  Tr  'utys  the  spry  young  spark 

That'll  tread  her  and  wed  her  and  bed  her  and  red  her 

Without  ever  winking  the  tail  of  a  feather 

And  that's  how  that  chap's  going  to  make  his  money  and  mark! 

Overhoved,  shrillgleescreaming.  That  song  sang  seaswans. 
The  winging  ones.  Seahawk,  seagull,  curlew  and  plover,  kestrel 
and  capercailzie.  All  the  birds  of  the  sea  they  trolled  out  rightbold 
when  they  smacked  the  big  kuss  of  Trustan  with  Usolde. 

And  there  they  were  too,  when  it  was  dark,  whilest  the  wild- 
caps  was  circling,  as  slow  their  ship,  the  winds  aslight,  upborne 
the  fates,  the  wardorse  moved,  by  courtesy  of  Mr  Deaubaleau 
Downbellow  Kaempersally,  listening  in,  as  hard  as  they  could,  in 
Dubbeldorp,  the  donker,  by  the  tourneyold  of  the  wattarfalls, 
with  their  vuoxens  and  they  kemin  in  so  hattajocky  (only  a 

383 


quartebuck  askull  for  the  last  acts)  to  the  solans  and  the  sycamores 
and  the  wild  geese  and  the  gannets  and  the  migratories  and  the 
mistlethrushes  and  the  auspices  and  all  the  birds  of  the  rockby- 
suckerassousyoceanal  sea,  all  four  of  them,  all  sighing  and  sob- 
bing, and  Hstening.  Moykle  ahoykling! 

They  were  the  big  four,  the  four  maaster  waves  of  Erin,  all 
listening,  four.  There  was  old  Matt  Gregory  and  then  besides  old 
Matt  there  was  old  Marcus  Lyons,  the  four  waves,  and  oftentimes 
they  used  to  be  saying  grace  together,  right  enough,  bausnabeatha, 
in  Miracle  Squeer:  here  now  we  are  the  four  of  us:  old  Matt  Gre- 
gory and  old  Marcus  and  old  Luke  Tarpey:  the  four  of  us  and 
sure,  thank  God,  there  are  no  more  of  us:  and,  sure  now,  you 
wouldn't  go  and  forget  and  leave  out  the  other  fellow  and  old 
Johnny  MacDougall:  the  four  of  us  and  no  more  of  us  and  so 
now  pass  the  fish  for  Christ  sake.  Amen:  the  way  they  used  to  be 
saying  their  grace  before  fish,  repeating  itself,  after  the  interims 
of  Augusburgh  for  auld  lang  syne.  And  so  there  they  were,  with 
their  palms  in  their  hands,  like  the  pulchrum's  proculs,  spraining 
their  ears,  luistening  and  listening  to  the  oceans  of  kissening,  with 
their  eyes  glistening,  all  the  four,  when  he  was  kiddling  and 
cuddling  and  bunnyhugging  scrumptious  his  colleen  bawn  and 
dinkum  belle,  an  oscar  sister,  on  the  fifteen  inch  loveseat,  behind 
the  chieftaness  stewardesses  cubin,  the  hero,  of  Gaelic  champion, 
the  onliest  one  of  her  choice,  her  bleaueyedeal  of  a  girl's  friend, 
neither  bigugly  nor  smallnice,  meaning  pretty  much  everything 
to  her  then,  with  his  sinister  dexterity,  light  and  rufthandling, 
vicemversem  her  ragbags  et  assaucyetiams,  fore  and  aft,  on  and 
offsides,  the  brueburnt  sexfutter,  handson  and  huntsem,  that  was 
palpably  wrong  and  bulbubly  improper,  and  cuddling  her  and 
kissing  her,  tootyfay  charmaunt,  in  her  ensemble  of  maidenna 
blue,  with  an  overdress  of  net,  tickled  with  goldies,  Isolamisola, 
and  whisping  and  lisping  her  about  Trisolanisans,  how  one  was 
whips  for  one  was  two  and  two  was  lips  for  one  was  three,  and 
dissimulating  themself,  with  his  poghue  like  Arrah-na-poghue, 
the  dear  dear  annual,  they  all  four  remembored  who  made  the 
world  and  how  they  used  to  be  at  that  time  in  the  vulgar  ear 

384 


I 


( 

f 

I 


cuddling  and  kiddling  her^  after  an  oyster  supper  in  CuUen's  barn, 
from  under  her  mistlethrush  and  kissing  and  listening,  in  the  good 
old  bygone  days  of  Dion  Boucicault,  the  elder,  in  Arrah-na- 
pogue,  in  the  otherworld  of  the  passing  of  the  key  of  Two- 
tongue  Common,  with  Nush,  the  carrier  of  the  word,  and  with 
Mesh,  the  cutter  of  the  reed,  in  one  of  the  farback,  pitchblack 
centuries  when  who  made  the  world,  when  they  knew  O'Clery, 
the  man  on  the  door,  when  they  were  all  four  collegians  on  the 
nod,  neer  the  Nodderlands  Nurskery,  whiteboys  and  oakboys, 
peep  of  tim  boys  and  piping  tom  boys,  raising  hell  while  the  sin 
was  shining,  with  their  slates  and  satchels,  playing  Florian's  fables 
and  communic  suctions  and  vellicar  frictions  with  mixum  mem- 
bers, in  the  Queen's  Ultonian  colleges,  along  with  another  fellow, 
a  prime  number,  Totius  Quotius,  and  paying  a  pot  of  tribluts 
to  Boris  O'Brien,  the  buttler  of  Clumpthump,  two  looves,  two 
turnovers  plus  (one)  crown,  to  see  the  mad  dane  ating  his 
vitals.  Wulf !  Wulf !  And  throwing  his  tongue  in  the  snakepit.  Ah 
ho!  The  ladies  have  mercias!  It  brought  the  dear  prehistoric 
scenes  all  back  again,  as  fresh  as  of  yore.  Matt  and  Marcus,  natu- 
ral born  lovers  of  nature,  in  all  her  moves  and  senses,  and  after 
that  now  there  he  was,  that  mouth  of  mandibles,  vowed  to  pure 
beauty,  and  his  Arrah-na-poghue,  when  she  murmurously,  after 
she  let  a  cough,  gave  her  firm  order,  if  he  wouldn't  please  mind, 
for  a  sings  to  one  hope  a  dozen  of  the  best  favourite  lyrical 
national  blooms  in  Luvillicit,  though  not  too  much,  reflecting  on 
the  situation,  drinking  in  draughts  of  purest  air  serene  and  re- 
velling in  the  great  outdoors,  before  the  four  of  them,  in  the  fair 
fine  night,  whilst  the  stars  shine  bright,  by  she  light  of  he  moon, 
we  longed  to  be  spoon,  before  her  honeyoldloom,  the  plaint  effect 
being  in  point  of  fact  there  being  in  the  whole,  a  seatuition  so 
shocking  and  scandalous  and  now,  thank  God,  there  were  no  more 
of  them  and  he  poghuing  and  poghuing  like  the  Moreigner 
bowed  his  crusted  hoed  and  Tilly  the  Tailor's  Tugged  a  Tar  in  the 
Arctic  Newses  Dagsdogs  number  and  there  they  were,  like  a 
foremasters  in  the  rolls,  listening,  to  Rolando's  deepen  darblun 
Ossian  roll,  (Lady,  it  was  just  too  gorgeous,  that  expense  of  a 

385 


lovely  tint,  embellished  by  the  charms  of  art  and  very  well  con- 
ducted and  nicely  mannered  and  all  the  horrid  rudy  noisies  locked 
up  in  nasty  cubbyhole!)  as  tired  as  they  were,  the  three  jolly 
topers,  with  their  mouths  watering,  all  the  four,  the  old  connu- 
bial men  of  the  sea,  yambing  around  with  their  old  pantometer, 
in  duckasaloppics,  Luke  and  Johnny  MacDougall  and  all  wishen- 
ing  for  anything  at  all  of  the  bygone  times,  the  wald  times  and 
the  fald  times  and  the  hempty  times  and  the  dempty  times,  for  a 
cup  of  kindness  yet,  for  four  farback  tumblerfuls  of  woman 
squash,  with  them,  all  four,  listening  and  spraining  their  ears  for 
the  millennium  and  all  their  mouths  making  water. 

Johnny.  Ah  well,  sure,  that's  the  way  (up)  and  it  so  happened 
there  was  poor  Matt  Gregory  (up),  their  pater  familias,  and  (up) 
the  others  and  now  really  and  (up)  truly  they  were  four  dear 
old  heladies  and  really  they  looked  awfully  pretty  and  so  nice  and 
bespectable  and  after  that  they  had  their  fathomglasses  to  find 
out  all  the  fathoms  and  their  half  a  tall  hat,  just  now  like  the  old 
Merquus  of  Pawerschoof,  the  old  determined  despot,  {quiescents 
in  bragef)  only  for  the  extrusion  of  the  saltwater  or  the  auctioneer 
there  dormont,  in  front  of  the  place  near  O'Clery's,  at  the  darku- 
mound  numbur  wan,  beside  that  ancient  Dame  street,  where  the 
statue  of  Mrs  Dana  O'Connell,  prostituent  behind  the  Trinity 
College,  that  arranges  all  the  auctions  of  the  valuable  colleges, 
Bootersbay  Sisters,  like  the  auctioneer  Battersby  Sisters,  the  pru- 
misceous  creaters,  that  sells  all  the  emancipated  statues  and 
flowersports,  James  H.  Tickell,  the  jaypee,  off  Hoggin  Green, 
after  he  made  the  centuries,  going  to  the  tailturn  horseshow,  be- 
fore the  angler  nomads  flood,  along  with  another  fellow,  active 
impalsive,  and  the  shoeblacks  and  the  redshanks  and  plebeians 
and  the  barrancos  and  the  cappunchers  childerun,  Jules,  every- 
one, Gotopoxy,  with  the  houghers  on  them,  highstepping  the 
fissure  and  fracture  lines,  seven  five  threes  up,  three  five 
sevens  down,  to  get  out  of  his  way,  onasmuck  as  their  witliers 
conditions  could  not  possibly  have  been  improved  upon, 
(praisers  be  to  deeseesee !)  like  hopolopocattls,  crumping  oround 
their  Judgity  Yaman,  and  all  the  tercentenary  horses  and  priest- 

386 


♦ 


hunters,  from  the  Curragh,  and  confusionaries  and  the  authori- 
ties, Noord  Amrikaans  and  Suid  Aferican  cattleraiders  (so  they 
say)  all  over  like  a  tiara  dullfuoco,  in  his  grey  half  a  tall  hat  and 
his  amber  necklace  and  his  crimson  harness  and  his  leathern  jib 
and  his  cheapshein  hairshirt  and  his  scotobrit  sash  and  his  para- 
pilagian  gallowglasses  (how  do  you  do,  jaypee,  Elevato !)  to  find 
out  all  the  improper  colleges  (and  how  do  you  do,  Mr  Dame 
James?  Get  out  of  my  way!),  forkbearded  and  bluetoothed  and 
bellied  and  boneless,  from  Strathlyffe  and  Aylesburg  and  North- 
umberland Anglesey,  the  whole  yaghoodurt  sVeepstakings  and 
all  the  horsepowers.  But  now,  talking  of  hayastdanars  and 
wolkingology  and  how  our  seaborn  isle  came  into  exestuance, 
(the  explutor,  his  three  andesiters  and  the  two  pantellarias)  that 
reminds  me  about  the  manausteriums  of  the  poor  Marcus  of  Lyons 
and  poor  Johnny,  the  patrician,  and  what  do  you  think  of  the  four 
of  us  and  there  they  were  now,  Hstening  right  enough,  the  four 
saltwater  widowers,  and  all  they  could  remembore,  long  long  ago 
in  the  olden  times  Momonian,  throw  darker  hour  sorrows,  the 
princest  day,  when  Fair  Margrate  waited  Swede  Villem,  and  Lally 
in  the  rain,  with  the  blank  prints,  now  extincts,  after  the  wreak 
of  Wormans'  Noe,  the  barmaisigheds,  when  my  heart  knew  no 
care,  and  after  that  then  there  was  the  official  landing  of  Lady 
Jales  Casemate,  in  the  year  of  the  flood  1132  S.O.S.,  and  the 
christening  of  Queen  Baltersby,  the  Fourth  Buzzersbee,  accord- 
ing to  Her  Grace  the  bishop  Senior,  off  the  whate  shape,  and 
then  there  was  the  drowning  of  Pharoah  and  all  his  pedestrians 
and  they  were  all  completely  drowned  into  the  sea,  the  red  sea, 
and  then  poor  Merkin  Cornyngwham,  the  official  out  of  the 
castle  on  pension,  when  he  was  completely  drowned  off  Erin 
Isles,  at  that  time,  suir  knows,  in  the  red  sea  and  a  lovely 
mourning  paper  and  thank  God,  as  Saman  said,  there  were  no 
more  of  him.  And  that  now  was  how  it  was.  The  arzurian  deeps 
o'er  his  humbodumbones  sweeps.  And  his  widdy  the  giddy  is 
wreathing  her  murmoirs  as  her  gracest  triput  to  the  Grocery 
Trader's  Manthly.  Mind  mand  gunfree  by  Gladeys  Rayburn! 
Runtable's  Reincorporated.  The  new  world  presses.  Where  the 

387 


old  conk  cruised  now  croons  the  yunk.  Exeunc  throw  a  darras 
Kram  of  Llawnroc,  ye  gink  guy,  kirked  into  yord.  Enterest  at- 
tawonder  Wehpen,  luftcat  revol,  fairescapading  in  his  natsirt. 
Tuesy  tumbles.  And  mild  aunt  Liza  is  as  loose  as  her  neese.  Ful- 
fest  withim  inbrace  behent.  As  gent  would  deem  oncontinent. 
So  mulct  per  wenche  is  Elsker  woed.  Ne  hath  his  thrysting.  Fin. 
Like  the  newcasters  in  their  old  plyable  of  A  Royenne  Devours. 
Jazzaphoney  and  Mirillovis  and  Nippy  she  nets  best.  Fing.  Ay, 
ay!  Sobbos.  And  so  he  was.  Sabbus. 

Marcus.  And  after  that,  not  forgetting,  there  was  the  Flemish 
armada,  all  scattered,  and  all  officially  drowned,  there  and  then,  on 
a  lovely  morning,  after  the  universal  flood,  at  about  aleven  thirty- 
two  was  it.^  off  the  coast  of  Cominghome  and  Saint  Patrick,  the 
anabaptist,  and  Saint  Kevin,  the  lacustrian,  with  toomuch  of  tolls 
and  lottance  of  beggars,  after  converting  Porterscout  and  Dona, 
our  first  marents,  and  Lapoleon,  the  equestrian,  on  his  whuite 
bourse  of  Hunover,  rising  Clunkthurf  over  Cabinhogan  and  all 
they  remembored  and  then  there  was  the  Frankish  floot  of  Noahs- 
dobahs,  from  Hedalgoland,  round  about  the  freebutter  year  of 
Notre  Dame  1132  P.P.O.  or  so,  disumbunking  from  under 
Motham  General  Bonaboche,  (noo  poopery!)  in  his  half  a  grey 
traditional  hat,  alevoila  come  alevilla,  and  after  that  there  he  was, 
so  terrestrial,  like  a  Nailscissor,  poghuing  her  scandalous  and  very 
wrong,  the  maid,  in  single  combat,  under  the  sycamores,  amid 
the  bludderings  from  the  boom  and  all  the  gallowsbirds  in  Arrah- 
na-Poghue,  so  silvestrious,  neer  the  Queen's  Colleges,  in  1132 
Brian  or  Bride  street,  behind  the  century  man  on  the  door.  And 
then  again  they  used  to  give  the  grandest  gloriaspanquost  univer- 
sal howldmoutherhibbert  lectures  on  anarxaquy  out  of  doxarch- 
ology  (hello,  Hibernia!)  from  sea  to  sea  (Matt  speaking!)  accord- 
ing to  the  pictures  postcard,  with  sexon  grimmacticals,  in  the 
Latimer  Roman  history,  of  Latimer  repeating  himself,  from  the 
vicerine  of  Lord  Hugh,  the  Lacytynant,  till  Bockleyshuts  the  rah- 
jahn  gerachknell  and  regnumrockery  roundup,  (Marcus  Lyons 
speaking!)  to  the  oceanfuls  of  collegians  green  and  high  classes 
and  the  poor  scholars  and  all  the  old  trinitarian  senate  and  saints  and 

388 


I 


I 


II 


sages  and  the  Plymouth  brethren,  droning  along,  peanzanzangan, 
and  nodding  and  sleeping  away  there,  like  forgetmenots,  in  her 
abijance  service,  round  their  twelve  tables,  per  pioja  at  pulga 
bollas,  in  the  four  trinity  colleges,  for  earnasyoulearning  Erin- 
growback,  of  Ulcer,  Moonster,  Leanstare  and  Cannought,  the 
four  grandest  colleges  supper  the  matther  of  Erryn,  of  Killorcure 
and  Killthemall  and  Killeachother  and  Killkelly-on-the-Flure, 
where  their  role  was  to  rule  the  round  roll  that  Rollo  and  Rullo 
rolled  round.  Those  were  the  grandest  gynecollege  histories 
(Lucas  calling,  hold  the  line!)  in  the  Janesdanes  Lady  Anders- 
daughter  Universary,  for  auld  acquaintance  sake  (this  unitarian 
lady,  breathtaking  beauty,  Bambam's  bonniest,  lived  to  a  great 
age  at  or  in  or  about  the  late  No.  1 132  or  No.  1 169,  bis,  Fitzmary 
Round  where  she  was  seen  by  many  and  widely  liked)  for  teach- 
ing the  Fatima  Woman  history  of  FatimiHafamilias,  repeating  her- 
self, on  which  purposeth  of  the  spirit  of  nature  as  difinely  deve- 
loped in  time  by  psadatepholomy,  the  past  and  present  (Johnny 
MacDougall  speaking,  give  me  trunks,  miss!)  and  present  and 
absent  and  past  and  present  and  perfect  arma  virumque  romano,  ^^^Lj^ 
Ah,  dearo,  dear!  O  weep  for  the  hower  when  eve  aleaves  bower! 
How  it  did  but  all  come  eddaying  back  to  them,  if  they  did  but 
get  gaze,  gagagniagnian,  to  hear  him  there,  kiddling  and  cuddling 
her,  after  the  gouty  old  galahat,  with  his  peer  of  quinnyfears  and 
his  troad  of  thirstuns,  so  nefarious,  from  his  elevation  of  one 
yard  one  handard  and  thartytwo  lines,  before  the  four  of  us,  in 
his  Roman  Catholic  arms,  while  his  deepseepeepers  gazed  and 
sazed  and  dazecrazemazed  into  her  dullokbloon  rodolling  olo- 
sheen  eyenbowls  by  the  Cornelius  Nepos,  Mnepos.  Anumque, 
umque.  Napoo. 
Queh.^  Quos? 

Ah,  dearo  dearo  dear!  Bozun  braceth  brythe  hwen  gooses 
gandered  gamen.  Mahazar  ag  Dod!  It  was  so  scalding  sorry  for  all 
the  whole  twice  two  four  of  us,  with  their  familiar,  making  the  toten, 
and  Lally  when  he  lost  part  of  his  half  a  hat  and  all  belongings  to 
him,  in  his  old  futile  manner,  cape,  towel  and  drawbreeches,  and 
repeating  himself  and  telling  him  now,  for  the  seek  of  Senders 

389 


Newslaters  and  the  mossacre  of  Saint  Brices,  to  forget  the  past, 
when  the  burglar  he  shoved  the  wretch  in  chumeroil,  and  con- 
tradicting all  about  Lally,  the  ballest  master  of  Gosterstown,  and 
his  old  fellow,  the  Lagener,  in  the  Locklane  Lighthouse,  earing  his 
wick  with  a  pierce  of  railing,  and  liggen  hig  with  his  ladder  up,  and 
that  oldtime  turner  and  his  sadderday  erely  cloudsing,  the  old 
croniony,  Skelly,  with  the  lether  belly,  full  of  neltts,  full  of  keltts, 
full  of  lightweight  beltts  and  all  the  bald  drakes  or  ever  he  had  up 
in  the  bohereen,offArtsichekes  Road,  with  Moels  and  Mahmullagh 
Mullarty,  the  man  in  the  Oran  mosque,  and  the  old  folks  at  home 
and  Duignan  and  Lapole  and  the  grand  confarreation,  as  per  the 
cabbangers  richestore,  of  the  filest  archives,  and  he  couldn't  stop 
laughing  over  Tom  Tim  Tarpey,  the  Welshman,  and  the  four 
middleaged  widowers,  all  nangles,  sangles,  angles  and  wangles. 
And  now,  that  reminds  me,  not  to  forget  the  four  of  the  Welsh 
waves,  leaping  laughing,  in  their  Lumbag  Walk,  over  old  Battle- 
shore  and  Deaddleconch,  in  their  half  a  Roman  hat,  with  an  an- 
cient Greek  gloss  on  it,  in  Chichester  College  auction  and,  thank 
God,  they  were  all  summarily  divorced,  four  years  before,  or  so 
they  say,  by  their  dear  poor  shehusbands,  in  dear  byword  days, 
and  never  brought  to  mind,  to  see  no  more  the  rainwater  on  the 
floor  but  still  they  parted,  raining  water  laughing,  per  Nupiter 
Privius,  only  terpary,  on  the  best  of  terms  and  be  forgot,  whilk  was 
plainly  foretolk  by  their  old  pilgrim  cocklesong  or  they  were  sing- 
ing through  the  wettest  indies  As  I  was  going  to  Burrymecarott  we 
fell  in  with  a  lout  hy  the  name  of  Peebles  as  also  in  another  place  by 
their  orthodox  proverb  so  there  was  said  thus  That  old  fellow 
knows  milk  though  he's  not  used  to  it  latterly.  And  so  they  parted. 
In  Dalkymont  nember  to.  Ay,  ay.  The  good  go  and  the  wicked 
is  left  over.  As  evil  flows  so  Ivel  flows.  Ay,  ay.  Ah,  well  sure, 
that's  the  way.  As  the  holymaid  of  Kunut  said  to  the  haryman 
of  Koombe.  For  his  humple  pesition  in  odvices.  Woman.  Squash. 
Part.  Ay,  ay.  By  decree  absolute. 

Lucas.  And,  O  so  well  they  could  remembore  at  that  time,  when 
Carpery  of  the  Goold  Fins  was  in  the  kingship  of  Poolland,  Mrs 
Dowager  Justice  Squalchman,  foorsitter,  in  her  fullbottom  wig 

390 


and  beard,  (Erminia  Reginial)  in  or  aring  or  around  about  die 
year  of  buy  in  disgrace  1132  or  1169  or  1768  Y.W.C.A.,  at  the 
Married  Male  Familyman's  Auctioneer's  court  in  Arrahnacuddle. 
Poor  Johnny  of  the  clan  of  the  Dougals,  the  poor  Scuitsman, 
(Hohannes !)  nothing  if  not  amorous,  dinna  forget,  so  frightened 
(Zweep!  Zweep!)  on  account  of  her  full  bottom,  (undullable 
attraxity!)  that  put  the  yearl  of  mercies  on  him,  and  the  four 
maasters,  in  chors,  with  a  hing  behangd  them,  because  he  was 
so  slow  to  borstel  her  schoon  for  her,  when  he  was  grooming  her 
ladyship,  instead  of  backscratching  her  materfamilias  proper,  Hke 
any  old  methodist,  and  all  divorced  and  innasense  interdict,  in 
the  middle  of  the  temple,  according  to  their  dear  faithful.  Ah,  now, 
it  was  too  bad,  too  bad  and  stout  entirely,  all  the  missoccurs;  and 
poor  Mark